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Everybody who knew Soobin and Beomgyu thought they were dating. Even people who just saw them in a passing would've taken them for a couple.
It's been like that from the beginning of high school, they randomly got close during the second year and haven't left each other's sides since then. They were attached by the hip, sharing everything, everywhere. They knew each other's passwords for both phones and all their accounts, acted like those lovesick couples from romcoms. If one of them wasn't coming to school, you could bet however much you wanted on the fact that the other won't show up too.
It may seem sickeningly sweet but they never put a label on what their relationship was.
They weren't dating, yet whenever Soobin mentioned a girl hitting on him, they would fight.
“So what, you're just gonna leave me for her?” Beomgyu accused. It was ridiculous and ugly, the jealously he felt. Eating at his insides, gnawing his heart, rotting his brain.
“Beomie, you know that's not how it is!” Soobin's voice was raised, ringing through the empty school halls. If anyone happened to pass by, they'd hear way more than they wished they did. “It's just one date, I said yes because I didn't want her to be sad!”
“What about me, Soobin? What about me being sad, huh?” Beomgyu scoffed.
“It's always me! me! me! with you, Beomgyu, I'm sick of it! I'm sick of you!” those words always slipped out without Soobin actually meaning them.
Then again, for a person who allegedly wasn't sick of his friend (if Beomgyu could be called just that) he sure said he was a lot. And every time it stung the same.
It's a cycle: Soobin gets asked out by a girl, they fight, sometimes Beomgyu slaps him, they don't talk for a few days and Soobin comes back on his knees begging for forgiveness. Despite his better judgement, Beomgyu always lets him back in.
He can't function well when Soobin isn't with him. He doesn't eat, doesn't get enough of sleep, stops leaving his room till Soobin reaches out again.
There even was a time when he stole his father's alcohol bottle from his study, drank the whole thing and texted Soobin about how much he hates that he can't hate him. They never addressed it but it weighs heavy on their hearts, creeping up every time the dread of the other leaving them settles low in their stomachs.
Beomgyu got them matching necklaces, those Lego ones that make a heart when put together. He was a sucker for cliché and cheesy things like this, sue him.
Soobin looked like he wore it out of obligation, just so it wouldn't cause another fight. It did anyway, with Beomgyu accusing him of not wanting to wear it because it would chase all of his girls away.
“What is it to you, Beomgyu? We're not dating, I don't have to be wearing some lousy necklace all the time because you're feeling insecure!”
As ironic as it was, they were having this conversation in the quiet of Beomgyu's bedroom with lips swollen and breaths ragged from kissing.
The whole argument started when Soobin pushed Beomgyu down on his bed and the latter watched a necklace dangle in his face. It wasn't the one from him, no, it was from the girl Soobin was on a date with. It made Beomgyu feel disgusted with himself. Did it all really mean nothing to Soobin? Was he just someone's experiment again?
He didn't understand how Soobin could just dismiss him like that. He used him as a distraction while Beomgyu himself physically couldn't live without Soobin.
When he stayed silent too long for Soobin's liking, he only got pulled into another kiss.
“C'mon puppy, you know you're the only one for me,” Soobin whispered, kisses descending to the column of his throat.
“Take it off then,” Beomgyu pushed him away, moving up on the bed. “Take off the necklace from her.”
“It's just a necklace.”
“Why aren't you wearing the one I gave you, then?” he all but cried. Every word was making his throat burn with built up anger, anxiety and disgust.
“Because–” Soobin tried to reason but he got cut off by Beomgyu pulling on the silver chain around his throat till it broke from the force and he threw it across his room, making it hit the mirror above the vanity table. “What the fuck?” Soobin snarled, staring at the crack that the necklace formed in the mirror.
“She's not gonna take you away from me,” Beomgyu whispered and threw himself at Soobin again, knocking them both over. Their lips met in a heated kiss, tinted with rage and hatred but it was mixed with raw longing and need.
“Beomie–”
“Say it.”
“I can't.”
“Why not?” Beomgyu's expression fell even more, if that was even possible.
“I'm not– yours, Beomgyu,” Soobin swallowed. “And you're not mine. You're free to see whoever you want to, too, it's not just me.”
What if I don't wanna see anyone else? Was the first thing that went through Beomgyu's mind. How could Soobin be thinking about other people when Beomgyu was the one who was kissing him?
It's always been like this, the constant push and pull. Soobin says that every time yet he's also the one to crawl back to Beomgyu and apologise. He showers him with so much affection then that it makes Beomgyu forget about the whole argument. But it also has him wondering why it can't be like that the whole time. Why does Soobin have to hurt him so much?
“Don't look at me like that, puppy,” Soobin sighed, rubbing his face with his hands. “I'm sorry, okay? You know I am.”
“Why do you keep doing it then? I'm tired, Soobin.”
“I don't know,” it was true. Soobin himself was confused, too. About his feelings, their relationship, how it all ended up. “I just thought– that's how we are?”
“Right, that's how we are,” Beomgyu only nodded. Neither of them ever wanted to talk about it. They didn't know how.
“Come here, puppy,” Soobin hummed in that honey-laced voice of his and suddenly everything was forgotten again. The fight, the necklaces, the broken mirror across the room.
Now all that mattered to Beomgyu was how big Soobin's hand felt against his cheek as he pulled him in for a kiss.
When they kissed, it was Beomgyu who would try to be rough, pour all of his frustrations through it and Soobin would respond in the most gentle way known to humanity, as if to make up for all the times he treated Beomgyu like dirt. It worked for the time being, but the feeling would resurface soon enough.
Still, Soobin's sudden gentleness pissed Beomgyu off. The contrast between his actions and words was what stung the most. He kissed him anyway, straddling his hips as Soobin's hands wandered under his shirt.
“My mom is working the night shift today,” Beomgyu whispered. “Can you stay the night? I'll be scared here alone,” he used that excuse often, just to keep Soobin close, make him feel bad a little if he so much as dared to say no.
“Of course, puppy, I'm not leaving your side,” Soobin nuzzled his nose against Beomgyu's cheek before trying to take a bite out of it. “Are we ordering food again?”
“Mm, I wanted to make something myself,” Beomgyu offered, baring his neck to give Soobin better access.
“Oh? And what will my puppy make for us?”
“I can make crêpes? Mom finally taught me how to,” he smiled excitedly.
“Sure, pup, whatever you want,” Soobin scratched Beomgyu's chin before helping him get up from the bed.
Cooking things together was the most domestic thing people could do, at least it was for Beomgyu, that's why he loved doing it with Soobin. It was the closest they could get, with flour fights and splashing water at each other. And it was exclusively theirs.
Even if he knew that after the weekend there would be another girl trying to flirt with Soobin and him reciprocating it to be nice, as he called it, the peace he got during their little impromptu sleepover comforted him.
The jealously that has been seated low in his heart was bound to resurface soon but now he's the one who has Soobin by his side, stealing kisses from him and calling him his favourite pet names. Now he's the one who's feeding him and who's gonna fall asleep and wake up in Soobin's arms. For just a moment, Beomgyu is living his perfect life.
For just a moment, Beomgyu has everything he's wanted since he met Soobin.
And that night, falling asleep enveloped by Soobin's warmth and the scent of his cologne mixed with the crepes they made earlier, Beomgyu started to wonder why had he never tried to get back at Soobin before. Surely if he gave him a taste of his own medicine it would open Soobin's eyes and make him realise his mistakes, right? Besides, the guy chasing after him wasn't bad looking at all. Was his name Yeonjun? That didn't matter much to Beomgyu. What mattered to him was that Soobin was definitely not a fan of his. Perfect opportunity for revenge, isn't it?
At the end of the day, he's not Soobin's and he can do whatever he wants with whoever he wants.
To put it lightly, Soobin wasn't fond of the idea that brewed in Beomgyu's mind at night. That was exactly the point of it though, so Beomgyu was more than satisfied seeing the look on his hyung's face when he told him he has a date with no one other than Choi Yeonjun himself.
They fought over it, because of course they did. And Soobin's words from the day before came to bite him right in the ass. He himself has just told Beomgyu that they're both free to see whoever they want. Not even 24 hours later here he was, being a hypocrite and regretting every single word.
To Soobin, it was obvious that whatever he had going on with those girls who flirted with him wasn't serious and he did it just for fun. That's what he always told Beomgyu, too, when they fought. What wasn't obvious to him, however, was how Beomgyu treated Yeonjun. Was he serious about him? Was it a joke? A way to get back at Soobin for refusing to wear that childish necklace? Because he could put it on right now and never take it off again if that's what it would take for his friend to tell Yeonjun to fuck right off.
It's not that he hated the guy for whatever reason there could be, he just didn't like the thought of other people liking his Beomgyu. Because before Beomgyu met Soobin, he was a loner at school. That's why a part of Soobin felt entitled to him, like Beomgyu was only his to hang out with.
Only his to have.
A sick part of him wished he could lock him up somewhere only he'd have access to but he always told himself it was the unserious part of his brain speaking.
What he felt for Beomgyu was truly gross, he didn't just like him, it was becoming an unhealthy obsession. He tried to distance himself a few times, mostly after they fought over another one of Soobin's admirers. It felt reasonable. Letting go before he physically will not be able to anymore. At the same time he felt like he's reached that point already. He couldn't stay away from Beomgyu for more than five days when they were fighting. He was always the one reaching out first, crawling back like a pathetic, good for nothing dog whose owner had enough of it. The worst part? He liked it.
He liked it because he knew that despite Beomgyu treating him like dirt whenever he begged for forgiveness, he would always give in. They both needed each other equally as much to function like normal human beings.
Still, Beomgyu hanging out with someone that wasn't Soobin, let alone someone who openly admitted to being into him countless times before, filled him with unexplainable amounts of dread.
But Beomgyu wasn't his and he wasn't Beomgyu's, he said so himself.
That's why not even two days after Beomgyu's so-called date with Yeonjun, Soobin was back at his doorstep apologising for trying to be controlling and kissing Beomgyu stupid till he earned his forgiveness. Just the usual.
This time, though, he'd let himself litter Beomgyu's neck and collarbones with purplish red hickeys so that everyone could know who he belonged to. Beomgyu complained about it, of course, almost turning the whole ordeal into another fight but the whimpers he tried to hold back so hard spoke for themselves. And, just like any other time, all it took for Beomgyu to become a pliant putty in Soobin's hands was him getting called puppy. Something about that pet name turned him into a pleading mess nine out of ten times.
It was truly a sight straight from Soobin's most perverted fantasies. And, at this point, he wasn't even embarrassed to admit it anymore.
He let Beomgyu ruin him, take out all of his pent up frustration on Soobin's body. Whether it was Beomgyu's open palm against his red cheek again or a fist in his hair, pulling so hard it almost drew blood when they kissed. They were both sick for enjoying it equally as much but it was something so uniquely theirs. It was something no one else could give them. Not Yeonjun, not the girls chasing after Soobin.
Nobody would ever understand what they had going on but that was the point. It was exactly why they needed each other and no one else could compare.
The next few weeks were peaceful. A bit too peaceful, if you will. Soobin didn't go on any more dates after that and him and Beomgyu both ended up at the top of Fortune's wheel with how good their relationship was going. It was just like how they were at the beginning, when they barely knew each other yet were already attached like old lovers.
Something shifted between them after that night, this much was obvious.
But what Soobin didn't expect was for Beomgyu to start ignoring him out of nowhere on a random Tuesday, just when he allowed himself to think that things were finally going good between them. He went up to Beomgyu to greet him as always but the latter just walked past him like he never existed. It was so random Soobin didn't even know what to say. So he texted him only after he got back home.
me: beomie wtf was that
me: puppy
me: did i do something wrong again
One thing about Soobin is he never triple texts. Hell, he doesn't even double text. But Beomgyu ignoring him had him in shambles and so he sent fifteen more texts after that, all left unanswered.
The sky was so pretty that night and he couldn't stop thinking about Beomgyu.
Because, ironically, the reason they started talking was the sunset they'd watched together on a class trip to the seaside. The teacher put them in random pairs then and it ended up being the perfect match. The sunset that day had painted the clouds with a sweetly pink hue and Soobin had fallen in love with the way the last rays of the sun reflected in Beomgyu's irises. The memory of that sight still keeps him up at night sometimes, when he misses Beomgyu so much he feels his heart squeeze in his chest painfully.
And he knows he will never forget the words the younger had uttered to him then, albeit quiet with embarrassement but memorable anyway.
“I'll always think of you when the sky is pink from now on.”
That was how it all began and Soobin couldn't understand how he found himself in a situation where Beomgyu was deliberately ignoring him.
Did he think of him tonight when the sky's beauty almost reached the level of Beomgyu's?
me: beomgyu why did u ignore me again
me: i thought we were all good
He wondered what he had done wrong, maybe Beomgyu thought he was flirting with the girl who asked to copy his homework?
When the answer came, it was more devastating than the silence.
puppy: idk
puppy: i forgot already
me: you looked pretty today
me: wanted to tell you that but i thought you'd just ignore me once more
puppy: i wouldn't have
me: no?
puppy: no
me: i'll tell you that tomorrow then
me: please don't ignore me
To say Soobin was confused would be an understatement. He should be used to the silent treatment coming from Beomgyu by now but before this, the silence always came after a big fight. Now it came out of nowhere and it made Soobin panic. Was he losing his Beomgyu?
The next day, Beomgyu didn't ignore him but he was drier than ever, spoke only when necessary and kept his answers short. It wasn't the Beomgyu he knew and this time his usual tactics didn't work. Nothing would make Beomgyu budge and Soobin was running out of ideas.
Truth be told, Beomgyu didn't have any particular reason to be ignoring Soobin. He did it just to spite him, make him desperate. He was hurting himself with that too but God did it make him feel satisfied. He got off on Soobin's confusion and willingness to make amends. It was almost cute but not nearly enough.
He wanted Soobin to suffer the way he did whenever Soobin would go on dates with girls from school and even outside of it. He was tired of tumbling around like a clown and getting ridiculed. Tired of getting humiliated every time Soobin reminded him they weren't in a committed relationship. Tired of falling back into Soobin's arms so easily.
Spending his days without Soobin was bland, though. His favourite food tasted like cardboard, strawberry milk seemed watered down and the series they started together wasn't that funny anymore.
He stole the vodka from his father's cabinet again and downed the entire bottle himself.
The last thing he remembered before blacking out was seeing Soobin's texts.
binnie: puppy please talk to me
binnie: i miss you so much
binnie: don't you miss hyung?
binnie: i love you puppy
do you want to block binnie?
yes no
He woke up with the worst hangover of his life but it still didn't make him feel as bad as the fact that Soobin wasn't there with him. And that to get him back now, Beomgyu would have to be the one to reach out first. So, as devastated as he is, he won't talk to Soobin.
And it seems Soobin has already moved on too, seeing how the girl that gave him the necklace they fought over was blowing up his Instagram DMs talking about how she won Soobin over.
It wasn't true. Beomgyu just gave him away for charity like some run down item he doesn't need anymore but is too attached to throw it away for good.
They don't talk again. The stolen glances they share in a passing during classes speak a lot and not nearly enough at the same time. It's awkward, the permanent silence between them.
Even their classmates are confused as to what happenned, everybody notices the distance and empty stares thrown the other's way.
Beomgyu convinces himself it was Soobin's fault for giving up on him so easily. Because if he didn't fight to get him back, did what they had ever mean something to him?
And that's how Beomgyu spends his last year of high school. How he celebrates his 18th birthday. How he studies for his finals.
Without Soobin by his side.
He tries dating Yeonjun after letting Soobin go but the guy just laughs into his face and says he's not a big fan of being a replacement. They do end up as friends though.
He dreams about Soobin almost every night, hears his voice when he gets high with Yeonjun at a yet another party, almost moans his name when having sex with a third different guy this month and the calendar on his bedside table only marks the 5th day.
He unblocked Soobin a week after they stopped talking for good, wanted to see if the other would try to reach out again. It didn't happen.
Beomgyu keeps telling himself he moved on yet the photos he took of Soobin two years ago still sit at the back of his camera roll, hidden from intruder's eye. The photobooth film on which their first ever kiss is captured remains glued to his wall just above his desk and he has to stare at it every time he tries to study or wants to play a video game.
He can't fall asleep if he isn't hugging the stuffed bear Soobin got him for their last Valentine's day together.
He cries himself to sleep every night, hoping that when he wakes up he'll be back in high school and this time he'll know better.
His longing soon turns into hatred and now, a full year since graduation, 365 days since he's last seen Soobin, Yeonjun has to beg him to attend the meeting their ex class president offered to host to celebrate the anniversary of graduating.
He doesn't wanna go. He doesn't want to see Soobin anymore.
A part of him is scared he will break down the moment their eyes meet.
He's well aware his heart hasn't moved on at all, no matter how hard he tries to convince Yeonjun he doesn't care.
Beomgyu agrees to the class meeting just to indulge his friend. It's the least he can do after the emotional warfare he's put him through while trying to forget about Soobin.
That's how his ends up at his old classmate's place, empty beer cans and soju bottles scattered around him as he drunkenly holds small talk with one of his high school acquaintances. He doesn't even remember their name, he's never cared enough about anyone except for Soobin.
Speaking of, Soobin is seated on the other side of the room, surrounded by the regular group of girls. Some things never change. It's the reason Beomgyu opens yet another bottle, drinking straight from it without even offering a sip to anyone else.
Their eyes meet once. Then twice. Something twists low in Beomgyu's gut.
Two more times and Soobin is getting up from the couch, leaving the girls behind as he disappears into the guest's bedroom.
Beomgyu finishes off his third bottle of soju alone before following Soobin's footsteps.
“I didn't think you'd actually come,” is what Soobin greets him with the moment the door shuts closed behind him. Beomgyu doesn't say a word, mind too hazy with the alcohol in his system and anger mixed with desperate longing rushing through his veins.
Instead, he does what he's best at: he closes the distance between him and Soobin, kissing him feverishly as if to make up for the lost time. Their teeth bump against each other but neither of them cares. Beomgyu tugs at Soobin's lower lip enough to make it hurt before his tongue is in his mouth, lapping at the taste he missed so much. One nothing compares to.
Soobin's surprised whimpers spur him on and soon enough he's pulling away to mark the column of the other's throat. What he doesn't expect is the taste of metal on his lips as he reaches the junction where Soobin's neck meets his shoulder. That's when he notices it.
The lousy lego necklace he gifted Soobin almost two years ago.
His first reaction is to tear up but he manages to hold his composure and tugs on the necklace, forcing Soobin to look at him. And, God, is he a sight to behold. Pupils blown wide, cheeks flushed, lips glistening with spit. Beomgyu's spit.
Oh, he has to ruin him.
“So now you can wear it?” Beomgyu scoffs and Soobin shrieks.
“Puppy…”
“You don't get to call me that anymore.”
“Beomgyu, you're the one who blocked me and refused to talk to me!” Soobin's raised voice rings in his ears, making him swallow.
“And you treated me like dirt, so what?”
“I didn't- I was trying to be good, you know that,” Soobin looks at him with pleading eyes.
“Do I, now?” Beomgyu tilts his head, letting go of the necklace.
“Pup- Beomgyu, please. I missed you so much,” he chokes out. Despite being physically bigger, he feels small now. “I still love you, always have, I barely made it this far without you, I'm sorry for letting you go like that I should've- I should've worked harder to get you back,” there are tears streaming down his face but Beomgyu still doesn't budge.
Not until Soobin gets down to his knees, hands holding onto Beomgyu's hips, pushing his shirt up and, oh. Beomgyu got that belly button piercing he's been talking about since forever.
“Pathetic,” slips out of Beomgyu's mouth as he notices the awe-struck look on Soobin's face. His hand sneaks up to hold Soobin's chin in a tight grip, slipping his thumb between his lips to make him open up. He gathers some spit on his tongue before letting it fall down straight into Soobin's wanting mouth. And Soobin swallows it all before Beomgyu gets to say anything. He opens his mouth again, tongue peeking out, asking for more. “Pervert,” Beomgyu murmurs. “Do you get on your knees like that for everyone?”
“No, puppy, I haven't- with anyone- it's only ever been you, I swear.”
“And why would I believe you?”
“You can ask around, go through my phone, anything, just- don't leave me like that again. I can't live without you,” not a single soul has ever seen Soobin beg like that. It was a sight reserved only for Beomgyu and the thought of it brings him sick satisfation. Just like how seeing Soobin suffer does. “Baby, please, let me make this right.”
“Don't call me that.”
“I'm sorry. Hyung's so sorry, Beomie.”
And Choi Beomgyu's drunk mind isn't strong enough to keep refusing him.
That's why he levels himself with Soobin, crashing their lips together once again. He would be lying if he said he didn't miss it, no matter how fucked up their relationship was.
“Hyung's gonna make it right, puppy,” Soobin whispers, voice more gentle than ever. “I promise, just don't leave like that again.”
“I missed you,” Beomgyu's eyes open just to become blurry with tears. “No one felt as right as you do, hyung.”
Deep down, he's always known he would end up in Soobin's arms, sooner or later.
It was all a part of their relationship's cycle, after all.
On again. Off again.
Push and pull.
Beomgyu would always supplicate himself into Soobin's hands in the end.