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A sound jostled you awake. Your eyes barely fluttered open, and your mind started to come to. The room was still pitch black, only lit by the moonlight flooding through the blinds. After a few moments, you realized you were awake. You wondered what had awoken you.
But then, you heard a muffled noise again. You were still unsure of its origin. You shifted beneath the covers and saw Leon lying beside you still. The room remained still, everything in place as it had been when you fell asleep. Though as you head lay towards your lover, you noticed him twitch in his sleep, followed by the sound you had heard twice previously.
Now that you were nearly fully awake, you were able to discern the noise. You were sure they were stifled grunts coming from your—sleeping?—husband.
You moved closer to him, hoping to hear better. The groans increased and became louder. Whimpers were heard every now and then, and you could see his breathing quicken. You sat up straight, concern growing. You could see Leon’s eyes glued shut, his brows furrowed and his face unmoving. Now you were sure, he was having a nightmare. You hoped it didn’t get bad like the nights in the past, where he sometimes jolted awake loudly or started acting out his night terrors.
Your hand found his bicep, sliding it up and down lightly to attempt to wake him—to no avail. Leon’s body only twitched and he let out muffled gibberish.
“Leon,” You whispered. He didn’t wake.
Leon grew louder and more fervent, and you noticed that his face appeared less angry and more… upset.
You shook him more. You needed him to wake, but you didn’t want to scare him, so you continued to whisper his name quietly as you nudged him more fervently. “Leon, hey,” You spoke more loudly. He seemed to subtly respond to this, but he was still deep in his nightmare. You brought your hand to his face now, using your thumb to caress his cheek. You other hand grabbed at his shoulder. “Leon,” You spoke loud and clear. You pushed on his shoulder firmly. Leon’s face twitched and he awoke suddenly. Your husband was awake now, but his mind was certainly still in the nightmare.
His eyes shot open, and he looked around the room rapidly. He attempted to sit up, but the hand on his shoulder stopped him. “Hey, hey,” You said, Leon’s eyes finally finding your own. His chest was heaving, so you slid your hand down to lay there instead. “You’re okay,” You told him. Your husband attempted to speak, but nothing came out. His neck was craned, the muscles tense and taut. “Okay, lay back. Breathe sweetheart,” Leon obliged and laid his head against the pillow, staring at the ceiling and blinking. You noticed he had started to sweat; you must’ve awoken him at the climax of his night terror. “You’re alright, take a deep breath.” You said.
Leon closed his eyes and laid the back of his hand against his forehead and he attempted a deep breath. He attempted many more, but you could tell he couldn’t get out of his head.
“I can’t…” Leon mewled. He sat up rapidly, his head hanging low beneath his shoulders. His breathing quickened again and you saw the infancy of a panic attack beginning.
“Okay, okay…” You trailed off. You turned around and searched the room for anything to help him. You weren’t sure what you were looking for, but you had to find something. Finally, your eyes locked on the table that sat beside the bed. You quickly reached and grabbed the glass of water that was still there from the evening before. “Hey, drink,” You said, handing the water to Leon.
Your husband looked up and you brought the glass to his face. His hand rested on top of yours as you assisted him. Your other hand lay on his shoulder and rubbed it up and down soothingly. Leon’s Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed the cold water. When he finished, you placed the nearly empty glass back where it resided previously.
You returned to Leon’s side and placed your hand on his back, rubbing it up and down and in circles. He sat there still, his head down and eyes focused in his lap. “Look at me.” You commanded, placing your hand at his jaw and guiding his face gently toward you. Your husband put up no resistance. His expression conveyed regret and inner turmoil. You knew what he was thinking. “You know where you are?” He nodded slowly, his eyes focused on your lips. “Yeah… you’re alright,” You caressed his cheek. Right about now, he looked like he was about to cry. Your husband never cried. Especially not in front of you. Of course, he has in the past, but you could only count the amount of times it’s happened on one hand. You saw the tears begin to well at his waterline and you pulled him close to you. Your arms wrapped around his neck continued to rub his back soothingly. Leon’s arms came around you fully and his forehead laid on the muscle of your shoulder. “You’re okay,” You whispered, resting your head lightly against his own.
Leon clutched you tightly, as if you’d be taken away from him if he let go. You didn’t hear him cry, but you were sure he did. He nuzzled into you further, and your heart ached. Your hand then slid up to his hair and began massaging his scalp lightly.
“I’m sorry,” He said, picking his head up. He was turned away from you, subtly trying to wipe away his tears before you saw his face.
“Stop that,” You ordered. You squeezed his shoulder firmly. “Why don’t you go wash your face with cold water?” Leon nodded and turned away from you again, focusing on something across the room. “Then come back. Quickly please,”
Upon your command, Leon moved off of the bed and walked sleepily to the bathroom. He returned swiftly, as you requested. He looked much better. His eyes were puffy and eyelids heavy, but he had calmed down.
You remained on the bed, sat up against the headboard awaiting your husband. You fought sleep; you had to assure he’d make it back to you. In some instances, you found him at the sink, spiralling endlessly and approaching another panic attack. “Better?” You asked him, dipping beneath the covers.
“Yeah,” He said, his voice deep and gravelly. You moved to lay on your back and extended your arms open, welcoming him to you. As Leon placed even just his knee on the bed, the sight of you welcoming him to you had his face twisting in endearment. He looked as if he could cry again, but for a different reason this time.
He joined you instantly, laying his head against your neck and wrapping his arms tightly around your core. He lay there for a moment, before craning his neck and looking at you. His eyes crinkled at the corners and you saw the moonlight in them. As rough as he appeared, he looked handsome right now. You kissed him tenderly. “You’re too good to me…” he whispered.
“You deserve it,” you replied.
There were so many things you could’ve told him at that moment. That he didn’t need to worry. That he did all he could’ve. That he did save people. You could’ve told him that he can’t change what happened that night—the night he has terrors of. But right now, telling him what he deserves was all you could say.