Chapter Text
The had won. It was over. Caddaric stood there, panting, barely able to stand. But he had done it. He had killed Tapyt for good. Tear pricked at the edges of his eyes as his body relaxed.
He had done it. And he had lived to see it! Caddaric had never felt so overcome with joy than in that moment. One he hoped to be dwarf by future events.
He just had to make this way back to the others. He had to see his friends. Caddaric had to see Riel, tell him that he had done it and that he had survived.
The worst was over.
The feeling comes over him suddenly. Like a hand has reached inside of him, clawing and desperate. His chest burns. Pain is overwhelming. If he is screaming, Caddaric doesn't process it. He's clutching at his chest, trying to stop whatever is happening, but he can't. He can't. A voice echoes in his mind;
"If I go, I'm taking you with me."
His vision blurs and spins. Caddaric can't focus. Something is being ripped out of him. Torn away. There's red on the ground. Is he bleeding? Where? From where? Oh, he's coughing it up. Staining his hands as he tries to keep it in. His chest is burning. His body is aching. The hand tightens and pulls, tears itself back out of him.
People are rushing towards him, but Caddaric can't see them, can't hear them. There is only a ringing in his ears as he starts to fade. His vision darkens.
Finally, the pain is gone, leaving him numb and empty. For a brief moment, he is okay again. Then his vision is gone. His hearing is gone. There is nothing left. His body crumples into a heap on the ground.
Caddaric Cindersong is dead.
Victory was theirs. The fight was over!
Riel had not been in the thick of it as he wasn't a fighter, but he had done what he would from the sidelines. Giving out orders, helping direct people where they needed to be. With both Blade and Caddaric fighting, it had fallen onto Riel to be defend their stronghold. It had gotten dicey at a few points, to the point Riel actually regretted never taking Caddaric up on his offer to train him a little. Just enough to outrun enemies. He could use a gun to defend himself, but at the end of the day Riel was dependent on the soldiers who remained with him.
And because he was far away from the battle, certain information made it way back to him slower than other sections. Thankfully with plenty of Mages around and those who were quick on their feet, information sharing was never at a snail's pace. So when there were reports that there was a blinding flash of light at the area where Caddaric and the darkchild were fighting, and that most demons either stopped fighting or straight up died, it wasn't difficult to guess what had occurred.
Relief flooded Riel's chest. He started to move without really thinking, moving as fast as a man with a cane could. A nearby Mage, probably making a guess at where Riel was headed, offered to teleport him closer. She had been working with Red and was fairly decent at translocation. Despite his aversion to touching someone, Riel nodded. If it would bring him closer to seeing Caddaric again, it would be worth the temporarily touch. She grabbed his hand and soon enough they were standing near the top of a large hill. She nodded, heading off probably to assist someone else. Riel let the sensation of transporting fade. He shook his hand as if he could shake off the feeling of the woman's hand. When a minute or so passed, Riel headed in the direction he assumed Caddaric would be.
He was not the only person heading in that direction. But instead of familiar faces of close friends or faces full of joy, there was an edge of fear and tension. Several healers were rushing by, their expressions completely serious.
Something had gone wrong.
Fear coiled in the pit of his stomach as Riel hurried on, nearly tripping as his cane slipped on the road. He caught snippets of conversations, dread increasing with each word that reached him.
"- isn't breathing-"
"- yes, there's no heartbeat currently-"
"We shouldn't assume the worst but-"
"-might be dead-"
"Commander Cindersong is unresponsive, covered in blood, so we can-"
"Dead-"
"He's dead."
Climbing the hill was a difficult task on a typical day, but it was worse when Riel found himself trying to run towards where everyone was gathering.
A flash of Caddaric's face, giving Riel the saddest smile, with the promise that he'd come back to him safe, had Riel crying out. Just a single pained cry, as he nearly tumbled over his feet again. Had he known? Had he gone into this fight with the knowledge that he wasn't going to make it, lying to Riel, trying to reassure him.
Riel had always know that Caddaric was willing to give his life. He just had hoped that he'd change his mind. That he'd choose living. That he'd choose Riel and the future they were planning.
"I promise you, my heart, I'll make it back to you. No matter what."
Liar.
Finally, he had reached the top, stopping to catch his breathe, but eyes scanning the whole area. Looking for him. For a moment, nothing and then. Riel can't see past the several bodies of healers that had collected on the hill, expect for the sliver of orange and white hair.
His blood turns cold. Despite what he had heard on the way here, he still didn't want to believe it. Even now, as fear and grief clutched at him, making room in his throat and chest, Riel couldn't accept this. No, it wasn't possible. It wasn't right. They had won. They had done the impossible. He had done the impossible. Tapyt was gone. This was supposed to be a victory. Everyone had been celebrating.
And Caddaric's body was lying here. Their savior. Dead.
Why was everything falling apart?
Elemnestra spotted Riel's approach, her gaze at first surprised, and then annoyed, and then hardening as she turned to a fellow healer.
"Keep Commander Syndran away!"
Indignant rose in his chest. Keep him away? That was his fiance dead on the ground! What right did they have to stop him? Riel ignored the words, but very quickly two healers moved to block him from the scene.
"We're sorry Commander. We can't let you get closer."
"I don't think you'd want to see this."
Riel scowled so deeply both of the healers flinched, but they stood their ground. Perhaps they were more terrified of Elemnestra in this moment than of Riel. It didn't matter. He was going to get past them. But before he could find some way to physically remove the barrier between himself and Caddaric, he noticed someone else running past him.
Liefred.
Red was let through the crowd, looking to the healers who had been using magic on Caddaric. He refused to think of him as just a body, even with the words "he's dead" echoing nonstop in his mind. He wasn't dead. If he was dead, they would say something. They would be acting differently. There was a tension in the air, so thick it covered the scene in a fog, but Riel could feel that everything wasn't hopeless.
Caddaric was not dead.
"Why is Captain Antiqua let through?"
"He's going to teleport Commander Cindersong's body-"
"Do not refer to him as a body."
One of them flinched again, practically backing away. The two of them glanced at each other, their expressions clearly regretting being the ones chosen to block Riel. But soon enough it wasn't needed. Red had teleported Caddaric and Elemnestra away from the battlefield and probably to the infirmary.
Riel gave the two healers a sneer before turning away. He moved as fast as he could across the battlefield, back to the Shepherd's tower, but unlike earlier he was given no help to get there. Most people were giving him a wide berth. This gave Riel plenty of time to think about what just happened.
The whiplash of victory, of celebration; of the relief that Caddaric had destroyed the world's biggest threat and that he was finally free of his destiny, so quickly tarnished by reports of him dying, of him lying dead with no heartbeat, made Riel feel nauseous. He would not throw up. It was beneath him to vomit publicly. He had to remain strong, confident, that Caddaric was going to make it out of this. If he allowed himself any weakness, it would be like he was giving up on him.
But more than the whiplash of emotions, there was the question of what happened. No one else had been with Caddaric during the confrontation. Everyone's main goal had been to fight the Endarkened that had surrounded the place. Let Caddaric focus on the single goal of defeating the darkchild. It was possible that another Mage could use their magic to try and see how the fight went, but Riel was not a Mage. He could only guess at what might had occurred. The likeliest of situations was that using the Word was not enough. That destroying Tapyt included a sacrifice. Bitterness filled Riel, heavy on his tongue, at the thought that what the Gods had given Caddaric was not enough despite their claims otherwise. He still didn't believe in what Caddaric had been told all that time ago, so perhaps he was not told the whole truth.
Another scenario was that Caddaric had been too grievously hurt during the fight. He had assumed that like with some of the Faceless Lords, he'd need to damage Tapyt's vessel enough that that the Word could work as a finishing blow. Caddaric was an incredible fighter, especially when he gave it his all, but he wasn't perfect. And he wasn't invulnerable. The isolation of the fight working against him, so that help came too late.
There were plenty of theories on what could have happened, but in the end none of it matter. All that mattered was Caddaric surviving.
He had to.
He just had to.
Finally, Riel was back at the Shepherd's Tower, easily navigating his way to the infirmary. He was not the first person here though. Trouble leaned back against the wall across from the door, looking irritated and worried. He looked up when Riel draw closer, their eyes meeting. The exchange told Riel all that he needed to know. Trouble had been banned from entering the room and he had no idea what was happening in there. Despite them trying to keep Riel away earlier and Trouble being barred from the room, Riel turned to open the door.
The moment his hand tried to turn the handle, someone burst out of it, quickly blocking any view of the inside of the room.
"Commander Syndran. We've been expecting you."
"How is he?"
"I'm sorry. We're not able to share specifics-"
"How is he?"
The healer, a man this time that Riel hadn't seen earlier, frowned. He glanced back into the room as if trying to ask how much he could give. He looked over Riel to Trouble, who had perked up and was watching the interaction with fervent interest. He sighed, nodding, and then exited the room, blocking the room.
"Commander Cindersong will make it. Currently, he is still unconscious and we are working on repairing any injuries and monitoring him for any lingering effects of his temporary death."
"Can you tell us what happened to him" Trouble asked. His voice was strained.
"I've been told not to give too many details to anyone close to Commander Cindersong, but I suppose some of it won't hurt. I know Commander Syndran was there when his body was transported."
"He died." Riel spoke plainly. He was not doing to dance around this.
The man frowned again, nodding. "Yes. He had been dead for an unknown amount of time before a healer found him and began to revive him. His heart had stopped beating." Riel noticed there was something about the way he said that, that he was leaving out details. Something had happened to Caddaric's heart. "He had several other injuries on his person which have been taken care of as well. There is the possibility that due to the length of time between his death and his revival he might have some permanent health issues, but we can't confirm anything at this moment."
"Can we see him," Trouble asked, moving towards the two of them.
Another frown, but this time it looked like he had been dreading that question.
"While we are working on monitoring his condition, we cannot allow anyone to enter his room. We hope you understand."
Riel bit back the comment he wanted to make. He did not need to understand anything. Caddaric was his fiance, he should be able to see him. Surely the magic used to revive him and heal him had already done it's work, so why was he being barred from entering? What more needed to be done?
But despite his obvious fear of telling them that they weren't allowed in, this man also looked like he was prepare to block them from going in. Would he even fight them? Trouble could probably get past him if he wanted to.
"We'll let you know the second you can enter."
The man nodded, and glancing from Riel to Trouble, dashed back inside, slamming the door close with a speed that surprised Riel.
And so the waiting began.
A half an hour or so passed with nothing. Riel and Trouble did not speak to one another as they lingered in the hallway. It wasn't as if the atmosphere between them was tense, but more like the fact that neither knew what to say to the other. Riel was aware of how much Caddaric cared about Trouble, how close the two of them were. There was a specific kind of jealousy that crept in from time to time. Caddaric was affectionate with him, had told Trouble that he loved him. It was not the same as his relationship with Riel, but Trouble was important to Caddaric. There was no doubt about that.
"Do you think we'll be out here all day?"
"I should hope not."
Trouble spoke again, quieter. "If they only let one person in, you should go first."
"Of course. Was there any question about that?"
Trouble had been looking down at the ground, but at Riel's comment, he looked over at him with a hard expression. His jaw tightened and then relaxed. Was Trouble upset? Ridiculous. He knew as well as Riel did that Riel had to be the one to see Caddaric first. So why get upset over Riel's response?
"You're not the only one who felt like your world was over when people were saying Caddaric had died."
Riel scoffed. He didn't need this. He didn't need Trouble to tell him things he already knew. But he didn't understand it either. He could never understand how it felt for Riel when he heard those people talking, saying that he was dead. They stared at each other, time slowing down as both considered what to say next, if they even should.
"Hey!"
The tension shattered. Briony was running up to the pair, Chase and Shery on her heels. Riel was surprised that Ayla or Halek weren't with them, but there had been a lot of chaos after the fighting. They might be tied up with something or recovering themselves.
"Did they say anything about Caddaric's condition? I heard that he's-" Briony stopped, covering her mouth. It was easy to see the fear on her face. How far did the reports of Caddaric dying go? Were there rumors spread throughout the rest of the battlefield, circulating until everyone was talking about the demise of Blest's savior?
Trouble seemed to have deflated, a tired smile now on his face at the appearance of the others. "They said he's recovering right now. No one's been let in to see him. I know they threw Red out. Not sure where he is." Trouble snapped, a sheepish expression on his face. "Actually they let Blade in before you got here Riel."
"Blade's in there?"
He didn't mean to get angry again. He was so tired of these emotional outbursts. But after they had prevented Riel from seeing Caddaric over and over, he felt like he deserved to be indignant.
"He should be. We haven't seen him leave yet."
"Why is he allowed in but not the two of you," Shery asked, sort of cowering behind Chase. She had gotten braver over time, something that made Riel proud, but his clear anger must have scared her. He was making quite the mess.
"I don't know."
"If I had to make a guess, it would be that they would find the two of us distracting."
Chase snickered at that and for a brief second Riel saw red. He did not see what was so funny. Chase smirked at him, unfazed by the death glare.
"Are they wrong? Trouble's a known troublemaker, no pun intended, and you look like you're ready to strangle the nearest person if they so dare to say something negative about him."
He wasn't sure, but Riel would not give him the joy of responding. Instead, he paced a little bit, wishing that he had something to rest on. It wouldn't be good if he collapsed before Caddaric woke up. He had to see him as soon as he was awake.
Luckily in the next half an hour, Briony figured out that the wait was going to take longer than any of them thought it would. She brought back a bench after five minutes of disappearing, from who knew where. Riel was just relieved to have something to sit on. Briony flashed him a nervous smile, nearly patting him on the shoulder, but holding back at the last second.
"We're all worried about him. But Caddaric's strong. Resilient. He'll be okay."
It was meant to be a comfort, but as the time ticked on, Riel only found it to be meaningless platitudes. If no one was allowed to see him after all this time, then was he really okay? What was happening in there.
An hour. Another hour before Blade emerged from the door. He looked as dour as ever, looking between Trouble and Riel before setting on the rest of the Shepherds who had slowly over time collected. Ayla and Red and Halek were all here. Only Tallys and Lavinet weren't here, but he had heard it wasn't of their own choices.
"Riel. Trouble. You can come in now."
Riel hurried in, but once more excitement and relief turned sour, shifting into disappointment. Caddaric looked fine, but he was still asleep. He turned to Blade who had returned to the room after saying something else to the others outside. He took note of Elemnestra writing something, giving the three men little attention as she worked.
"I thought be might be awake," Trouble said, voicing both of their thoughts. "Has he woken up?"
"No." Elemnestra had replied to the question, peering at the three of them. "Caddaric has been unconscious this entire time. But it's not unusual for someone who had died and been revived to remain unconscious for a long time."
"He'll be staying here until he's awake. You are free to stay with him, but you're both high ranking members of the Shepherds. There's a lot of work still to do now that the battle is over. With Caddaric out of commission, we'll have to share what would have been his workload Riel, alongside Lavinet, who will be temporary replacing him as Commander."
Caddaric had selected Lavinet as the person to act in his place if needed, but the thought of someone replacing Caddaric still made Riel feel sort of sick. The nausea from earlier, rising again. Threatening to spill over just as the rage and anguish bubbling at the surface did. Perhaps if he vomited people would be more sympathetic.
"You both should get some rest."
"I think I'll stay here for right now."
Elemnestra eyed Riel with a wary look. "You can't sleep here."
"I wouldn't think of it."
She didn't look like she believed him. Fine. That didn't matter. As Riel settled at Caddaric's side, reaching out to hold his hand, taking a sharp inhale at how warm it felt, nothing else mattered at that moment.
He fell asleep at his bedside within the hour. No one woke him or made him leave.
The next morning, Caddaric still wasn't awake.
Days turned to weeks, turned into a month.
Caddaric did not wake.
There was no sign that he would wake up.
Elemnestra was worried, checking on him often. "Nothing is physically wrong with him. His body has healed completely. If he's not waking up, there is something else going on."
"Like what?"
"He often fell unconscious when using these Words, correct? I know that it was never for this length of time, do not start with me, but it's possible this is a side effect."
"Killing Tapyt had to have taken a lot out of him," Briony reasoned. While she hadn't essentially made the infirmary her second home like Riel and Trouble had, she had come to visit almost every day. She lingered at the end of the bed, watching Caddaric's unconscious face. "I mean the amount of power going into that! It makes sense he's going to be out for longer, right?"
"A month just feels too long," Trouble pointed out.
"Maybe we can ask someone about what's going on. Like Mimir!"
Riel didn't like that idea. He didn't hate the woman but he still found her unsettling. Mimir had changed, though, recently. She seemed far more lucid and aware of her surroundings and herself. She hadn't left Haven, either. She had talked about continuing her search for her Sisters, but like many others, she had stuck around. Waiting for Caddaric to wake up.
The whole month it felt like the entire Tower was holding it's breathe. Waiting for him to wake. You couldn't walk for five minutes, without others whispering about when they thought he was going to wake. If he was going to wake up. Anyone discussing that quickly learned to avoid anyone an officer or higher. Riel had chewed out a recruit so badly, they had to resign because the sight of him made them shake in fear. He was not sorry for it, but he did apologize and promise not to "threaten" anyone else.
He did not want to ask Mimir because it felt like it they asked her what was going on, it would confirm that something abnormal was happening. After all, what could Mimir tell them that someone like Elemnestra or any of the other healers here, not?
"Do you think she could see when he wakes up," Trouble asked, sounding more excited about this idea than Riel did. Knowing how long would be good. The weight of not knowing how long they had to weight, being lifted, given a clear answer. One could see why people would be tempted.
It was not difficult to inquire after Mimir's whereabouts nor request her presence. She seemed to be interested in Caddaric's wellness. Blade had arrived with her, making the room a little crowded.
Immediately Mimir reacted to Caddaric. She started muttering to herself, drawing closer to him. Peering over his sleeping body as if looking at a fascinating work of art. None of them spoke as Mimir examined him, even as Riel's patience wore thin. She was always quick to speak of what she saw, and these days with her future sight being stable or as stable as it could be, it shouldn't take her too long to learn what they wanted to know. Finally, she nodded and turned to the others.
"His soul has been damaged."
"What?"
"His soul. His essence. What makes him up. A part of it was ripped from him. Snatched away. There is a hole there where it should be, frayed at it's edges. What a terrible thing to have been done to him." Mimir did look sad when she spoke.
"How do you know this? I thought you could only see the future?"
"It is difficult to explain," Mimir started. She paused, taking her time to collect her thoughts. "He always was too bright for me too look at. It was his nature as the kithma. It wasn't just that he was difficult to perceive, with branching futures so vast and varied, weaving in and out of one another. It was that he was something beyond what we are. A part of that was taken from him. I wish…" Mimir paused again. "I wish I could explain it easier, tell you how to see it too."
"What does that mean for Caddaric?"
"His body is repaired, yes? But his soul is not. His soul will need time. I can see it, stretching out before me. There is no future where he wakes before it finishes healing."
"How long."
The question. The only question. How long must they wait? How long will he be asleep for, his soul mending itself back together, closing in the hole that was torn into his very being.
How long.
"I don't know."
This was not an answer any of them wanted. She took the yelling and cursing as if it was not happening, waiting for them all to calm down.
"No one future has the same length of time. It could be weeks, it could be months. In some of them, he is asleep for years."
Years. Caddaric could be comatose for years. Panic was rising in Riel. He felt like he was drowning, the voices of the others fading out as he envisioned Caddaric, unresponsive, just laying there, for years. They were supposed to celebrate this victory together, to begin planning their wedding, their future, and it was all crumbling before him. Sickness climbed his throat, threatening to spill over.
He barely heard the others leave, did not register if they spoke to him, if Mimir had any more insight. She had said enough. Riel simply collapsed onto the seat next to Caddaric, watching his face, a mask of neutrality. No emotions, no signs of life.
Years.
He would wait.
Two months in, Riel demanded that they move Caddaric to his house.
"It'll be Caddaric's house soon enough too. I'm sure he'll want to recover at home."
"His condition needs to be monitored."
Riel was prepared for this discussion since he learned of Caddaric's coma. He was not going to back down. Elemnestra knew this and yet she rose to the challenge.
"It can still be monitored. If needed, I can hire one of the healers here as a nurse. Pay for transportation from my home to the Tower. Whatever needs to be done. But he deserves to wake up somewhere that isn't a hospital room."
Riel meant it. Moving Caddaric was a selfish act, he would not deny that, but he also wanted to do it for his benefit. How often had Caddaric awoken here, how often had he come to in this place? If he was going to be comatose for an unknown amount of time, Riel wanted him to be comfortable. He wanted him to wake up in a place that wasn't just familiar but also wouldn't make him feel like he had been sick.
He wasn't sick.
"If he's at our home," and Riel made sure to call it theirs, "then I can watch over him easier. I've already been given permission to do all my work from home unless it's absolutely necessary for me to be here. If he wakes up, I want to be the first person he sees."
"You'll have to keep an eye on him. Make sure that his condition doesn't decline."
"His condition hasn't changed in two months, correct?" Riel already knew this. He knew everything about what was going on with Caddaric. "There is no sign that there is anything else going on with him besides the fact that he will not wake. If I recall, I heard you discussing with one of the other healers that it is a miracle that he has remained completely medically the same since being revived and healed. No changes at all to his functions or brain waves."
Elemnestra frowned. She did not seem to enjoy being challenged like this. It didn't matter. Riel was desperate to have Caddaric at home.
"You'll either need someone to feed and bathe him and clean up his waste or do it yourself. Are you willing to do this?"
Riel knew this too. He had watched as they fed Caddaric's comatose body, mostly a slurry so that he could just swallow it. It looked disgusting. He had protested a little when a healer bathed him the first time, but it was just another part of the job to him. Caddaric's body had to be kept clean. The waste was mostly taken care of using magic, but not always.
"I'll already need someone to monitor his condition. I'm no doctor myself. I cannot determine if something goes wrong medically. And I am willing to pay whatever is needed to have someone on hand. If they are willing to perform those duties or if I need to hire additional people, I am ready and willing. There is no price, nothing I won't do for him."
Elemnestra nodded. Her hardened expression faltered.
"I can't imagine what it must be like for you. To see the man you love bedridden, unable to communicate with him or reach him in any way. I just don't want you to take him from here without considering what it meant. He still has needs, as simple as they may be. If you believe it'll be better for him to stay with you, if you're willing to take on the responsibility, I can see no reason to deny you. Just be careful Commander."
Elemnestra left to talk to some of the other healers about working at Riel's place to take care of Caddaric. While he waited for them to finish, Riel moved back to Caddaric's side.
He almost hated how he was starting to get use to seeing him like this. If not for the movement of his chest, rising and falling in steady rhythm, nor the eye movements beneath the lids, indicating that he must be dreaming, nor the warmth of his body, the faint blush of his cheeks, proving he was alive, he was alive and healthy. If not for all of that, one could look upon him and think he was dead.
How often had Riel fallen asleep and then woken, checking over his body, ensuring that he was still alive, still there. Over and over and over again. Watching him with a gaze so intense it bordered on creepy. How he wished each time to pull Caddaric to time, to feel his warmth fully. To feel his skin against his own, softer than a warrior's skin should be. How he struggled to rest, not just from the stress but from the absence of another body against his own. He missed how Caddaric seemed to wrap himself around him, pinning him down in his sleep all the time.
"Wake up."
He gripped his hand tightly. There was no return to the hold.
"When you wake up, I'll be right there. No matter what. I'm waiting Caddaric. Don't keep me waiting for too long."
Riel released his hand as Elemnestra returned. He would be moved as soon as possible.
The month would continue on with no changes. Just more waiting.
The third and fourth months were painful.
Things had settled. There was still plenty of work to do. The amount of recruits had dwindled but had not stopped. Plenty of people were motivated by both the work that the Shepherds had done and by Caddaric's heroics. The amount of Endarkened dwindled every day too and so there really wasn't reason to expand the Shepherds. Riel spent endless meetings with Blade and Lavinet discussing what to do with the new recruits and the direction that the Shepherds would take.
The world was still unstable and there was plenty of chaos that had to be handled. A shift in priorities was on the horizon. Blade pointed out that they still had plenty of Mage crimes to handle. The world was unsteady and plenty of people found reason to capitalize on that. And with Caddaric out of commission, there were many who became bold.
Haven was still under repair as well. The Shepherds had offered their assistance, which meant there was plenty of paperwork about the cost of materials and the payment of workers. Some days Riel felt like he was drowning in work. It was almost preferable to the days when he had little to do.
Those days, he spent at Caddaric's bedside, taking over the tasks of feeding him. It felt routine after the fifth or so time, tipping the container to his lips, watching as he swallowed. The healer in charge of Caddaric's daily care, Leonic, had taught him how to do it without Caddaric choking. When he didn't need to be fed, Riel would read or sometimes bring in a table to play against himself. From time to time, he would try and strategize how Caddaric would play against him. He would nodded, pleased, when the ghost of Caddaric would claim victory over him. He always tried to throw games, not wanting to win "too much" or so he had said when he was called out. Now, he would not hold back. He would use all of his cleverness and intelligence to get one over on Riel. But the smug pride would quickly turn into frustration. None of these victories were his. No imaging of the man could ever compared to the real one.
Often, Riel would watch Caddaric. He would speak to him, telling him about what was happening. About how Lavinet was settling into her role as Commander. How the others were faring. What they were getting up to. How Blest was recovering in the aftermath. He'd tell him how tedious he found his work sometimes. How he tried to throw himself into one of his hobbies. How he wrote pages upon pages of Caddaric in his book, but then threw them all out. He couldn't handle seeing the tear stains on the paper. Or the way his hand shook when he wrote.
There was an emptiness to his work. An emptiness to his whole life. Things had started to return to as normal as they could be, but none of it was normal to Riel. He could see the spaces where Caddaric should be. Hear his voice, his laughter. Feel his touch on his hand or shoulder. Feel his kiss when he was sleep deprived enough, lost in his desperation and loneliness. The world was less without him in it, becoming droll and lifeless.
Or perhaps that was simply Riel.
The others were concerned for his well-being, but he dismissed them all. He was fine. He was not the person to worry after.
Only one person was able to push him to sleep or to eat or to go outside, only because he had to force himself to do the same.
The week that Caddaric had been moved into their home, Trouble had followed. He told Riel straight up that he could not handle taking care of him alone. If Riel had to leave for Shepherd business, then Trouble could be at his side, waiting for him to wake up.
"You're not the only one who felt like your world was over when people were saying Caddaric had died."
Trouble would not leave. He was just as bad as Riel was, staying by his bedside. Talking to him when he thought no one else was around. Showing off new inventions, some that he had coaxed Riel into helping him with. Yapping about bar fights and how Good Boy was doing. How Caine missed Caddaric so terribly and how he couldn't wait for him to wake up.
Between the two of them, Trouble appeared to be far more upbeat and energized, but Riel was an observant man. He could see how he was wilting, how he struggled. He was mourning too, grieving his best friend. He laughed at some stupid joke he'd make and then watch Caddaric's face, hoping to see even the hint of a smile. They were both broken men, waiting by the bedside of the man they loved. In different ways, sure, but it was love all the same.
They would sit together, on either side of Caddaric, and talk or exist in the same room. At first Riel balked at Trouble's presence, feeling like he was an intruder here, but eventually, just like with taking care of Caddaric and watching over him, he grew use to him. It was a sort of balm, to share in this bizarre feeling that no one else seemed to have. Even those who visited often, they did not feel the devastation, the emptiness, the way it had carved out a piece of them and left them wanting. Waiting to heal just like Caddaric's soul had to.
"You can live here."
Trouble nodded. He was already living her, already made a place in Riel's life now too. Riel had no idea what would happen once Caddaric was awake, what life would be like. He had, once, known what the future would look like. What he wanted it too. Now he would pay for the chance to know even a little what was going to happen.
Nothing changed. Nothing improved but nothing declined except for his soul and mind deteriorating piece by piece as time went on further. As he worked endlessly, waiting, hoping.
"What can we do?"
"Wait. That's what we were told. All we can do is wait. It's up to him when he wakes up."
The waiting was going to kill him. It was going to kill them both.
Five months in, a sense of dread started to creep in.
It was not as if Riel had not been stressed out nor concerned about Caddaric during the prior months. He had struggled immensely in taking care of himself. In feeling any sort of hope that things would pass by quickly, that the wait would be easy. That this hole in his chest would lessen.
Riel refused to give up hope. There was simply no possibility that Caddaric would never wake. That they would have to make the choice to do something. Something like let him go. No one had suggested such a thing, but the thought that the others could be thinking it, considering it. He was at risk of being paranoid. He had to remind himself that he was not the kind of person who went off on little evidence. He wasn't a fool either, though. Despite the claims that they were here for Riel and Trouble, and that they were sure Caddaric would "wake up any day now!" he could tell that a lot of them were believing it less and less. Everyone was starting to have doubts, starting to get scared.
Mimir had said it could be years, but what if it was never. What if, it was decades.
Trouble was worse. He had gotten into an altercation with someone, someone he would not name. Riel clicked his tongue disapprovingly at the sight of his bruises and black eye, but he didn't really disapprove. If he could do the same, Riel would.
Trouble had become something more than just a friend during this time, but it didn't mean that they didn't butt heads. The gnawing desperation and frustration taken out on the person nearest to them. Riel did feel better, though, when he had to leave Caddaric alone with him. He had to today, expecting the same sight of Trouble whittling away at something at Caddaric's side.
Riel entered the room and froze.
At some point in his absence, Trouble had moved Caddaric to a sitting position and had taken up the space behind him. At the very first glance, Riel could almost believe that Caddaric was awake. That he had sat up of his own accord. Anger griped him first at not being informed the second that it happened, but it was replaced by disappointment and frustration. Caddaric's eyes were still shut, in that mockery of sleep. Trouble had placed a pillow at his waist to keep him from slumping forward all the way.
"What are you doing?" Riel didn't hide the irritation in his tone or expression. But he pushed away the sorrow that threatened to consume him whenever he glanced at Caddaric's body.
"Brushing his hair." Trouble said it so simply. As if he was merely helping his hair with his hair. "It was starting to look tangled and I-" He faltered. "I didn't want him to wake up with knots in his hair, is all."
Riel ignored the pain on Trouble face as he brought the brush through the long locks of orange and white. It was starting to creep past his shoulders, a sign of time passing and Riel wanted to take scissors and correct that instantly. He ignored it, because if he let himself acknowledge Trouble's grief, he'd have to acknowledge his own.
"You know Caddaric takes good care of his hair."
"I know."
There was a long beat of silence. The brush stopped.
"I just want to take care of him. I don't know what else to do."
"I know."
Riel came to the side of the bed. He did not touch Trouble, reaching out to brush strands of Caddaric's hair. It was so soft, even after all this time. He could tell it wasn't the same quality as when Caddaric took care of it, washing it with specific shampoos and soaps.
"I was thinking I would bathe him tonight. You could come and help me."
Riel had done it before. The task was easier divided between the two of them. Like with the healers, he did not enjoy Trouble touching Caddaric's nude body, but there really was no reason to think he had ulterior motives. He really did just want to take care of him when he could not do it himself.
"Just don't splash me again. You nearly dropped him."
"I nearly dropped him. At least I don't have noodle arms. You can barely pick him up without me."
Riel huffed. He felt the urge to prove him wrong, but he knew better than that. He was trying to goad him into embarrassing himself. Riel would be the bigger man.
"Let's just get him into the bathroom. I'll find his things."
They washed Caddaric, slowly and carefully, cleaning him of all the grime that had accumulated. In performing the small task, it felt like they were scrubbing away the gloom from themselves.
Just for a while. Just until the next day came and it clawed its way back inside.
It was better than nothing.
"I can't believe it's been half a year."
Riel peered across the room at Trouble. He was cleaning out his guns, an argument they were both tired of having. That he should not do that in the same room where Caddaric was in case an accident happened. Trouble had assured him that he would never put Caddaric at risk like that. He was always careful.
"You can't predict accidents no matter how careful you are."
"I'm sure that's what your parents said about you."
There was no sting to his words, to any of their bickering. Sometimes Riel wondered if they did it just to try and work the other one up. It felt good, taking out their frustrations on each other still.
But it was getting old. Now it felt like routine, just like everything else did these days. A habit neither wanted to give up.
"It's hard to believe it's been six months. Haven starting to look good as new. Caddaric's going to be really impressed when he wakes up and sees all the work that's been done. Maybe we could give him a tour. In case he forgot anything." Trouble's voice dropped, softer and anxious. "Elemnestra said that his mind might be effected by the coma. I don't- He'll be the same no matter what happens. But it scares me."
It scared Riel too. The thought that Caddaric could wake up and be different. Someone said that sometimes people came out of comas with no memories of who they were. It didn't matter. He would remind Caddaric of who he was, of what they had. At this point it was clear to him, he'd do anything for the man. Anything to have him back. Even if he wasn't the same, he would always be his Caddaric.
"You should not worry over what-ifs. It serves no purpose."
"What should I focus on then?" There was an edge of a challenge to his tone.
"Cleaning your gun before you shoot yourself and I have to get Leonic to take care of you."
"Awww, is Caddaric the only one who gets special treatment? Don't want to help me with anything."
"Yes. Caddaric is my fiance. You are an uninvited freeloader."
"I contribute to the house! I take care of Caddaric and I get you up and moving. If it wasn't for me you'd have collapsed yesterday."
"Says the man who nearly starved himself."
The room fell quiet except for the sounds of the two men, each trying to focus on other things. Instead of each other. Instead of the silent third man in the room.
"He's missed his birthday. We talked about what we wanted to do for it before… before everything. He never liked celebrating it. Said it had too many bad memories. I think he was really looking forward to this one though. I…" Trouble laughed, but it sounded wet.
Both of them had cried over Caddaric. Had sobbed until their throats were hoarse and their eyes were burning. But never in front of the other.
Riel wasn't sure if he could handle watching Trouble cry over Caddaric. If it would not break him further. If he would not wish that it was all over.
"It's our turn to have a bad memory of his birthday," Riel finished. He set down his book, looking to Caddaric and then to Trouble. "We'll celebrate when he's awake."
"All three of us."
"If we must."
"Maybe his waking could be a new birthday."
The thought was strange yet it made perfect sense. A new birthday. Caddaric might like that.
"Happy Birthday Caddaric."
"Happy Birthday."
"Wake up for the next one."
Seven months.
Seven months Riel finally broke and went to Red.
"I want you to teleport me into his dreams."