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Was it normal to feel like this?
It had only been two months since Kinji and Yamato had officially begun dating, well, six months if Yamato thinking they already were counts too.. And overall, it had been more than great.
Uehara had always enjoyed spending time with Kisaragi, even when they were just friends, or even classmates. The inventor had always been a good company, and now, as partners, it somehow became even better.
He didn't feel so alone now, and even when he was, the priest always knew who he could go to to alleviate his solitude.. Sometimes even seeking out the inventor without even realizing it.
And Kisaragi was great on his own, too.
Even before getting to know him, Kinji already knew that.
Yamato, the ultimate high school level inventor, the heir to the Kisaragi foundation, the 79th class president and his now partner.
He had a great mind, which Kinji would forever admire.. And even though the white haired priest would never fully understand how the inventor's brain worked, not really. He always knew that the blue haired man would come up with something greater each time, to make the world a better place.
He was always kind, and carried a bright warm smile that managed to brighten up anyone’s mood. It was almost as if he always knew what he should do or say.
It was something almost out of a fairytale or dream..
So why did Uehara feel like this?
That feeling had appeared not long after they had begun dating.
It had started to bubble up inside of him.
And with it, it began to grow.
Quietly.
It didn't look like guilt, even if it sat heavy on his chest.. But it wasn't shame or disgust either, no matter how bitter it felt on his tongue when he thought about it.
He thought that if he maybe ignored it, it would go away, maybe it'd disappear on its own.. Instead it grew.
Whenever he and Yamato were together, it was there.
Watching.
It felt like a judging ever watching eye on his observed his every move, one that could see into his deepest thoughts and dreams, one that never blinked, and one that never slept.
It made him feel powerless.
And whenever he was alone with his own thoughts, it followed him too.
Like a parasite growing inside its host.
Whatever that feeling was, Kinji knew he didn't like it.
Yet, he never talked about it.
Not with Kisaragi.
Not with his classmates.
And not even during his confessions at the church.
Because how could he even begin to explain something he didn't even understand himself?
And perhaps hearing an answer scared him even more.. So he stayed quiet.
And the parasite then began to feed on that silence.. and began to grow.. it grew so strong it began to eat away at his thoughts.
Soon enough, the priest found himself fearing even the touch of his partner's hand.
Then he began making excuses to avoid it.
And started to create distance.. But it's not like he wanted distance, it was quite the opposite, and that was probably what frightened him the most.
Because the closer he got to Yamato, the louder those thoughts became.
“Is it right for a priest to conduct himself this way?”
“What would the church think if they knew?”
And soon enough, those intruding thoughts started to become his own.
“Is this even something I should be feeling?”
He would mutter every night as he kneeled against the ground of his dorm room, and as he would pray for any sort or sign, or guidance of what to do.. However, nothing ever came.
And every morning after he woke up, his feelings stayed the same. He was still in love with Yamato.
And eventually his avoidance began to show.
And Yamato noticed.
“Uehara, is everything alright?”
Kinji didn't meet his eyes.
The priest sat on the edge of his bed, hands laying on his lap, whilst Yamato stood in front of him.
A confrontation.
It was bound to happen eventually, as much as Uehara wished for it to not occur, the inventor wasn't oblivious, far from it.
If anything, Kisaragi paid too much attention to those he cared about.
“I don't understand what's wrong, but can we talk about it?”
His voice was gentle.
“I want to understand what's bothering you.“
Hearing that made something twist painfully inside of Uehara's chest. Because that was exactly what his distance was attempting to prevent, he didn't want Yamato worrying about him.
..And he didn't want that awful feeling spreading to him too.
“Uehara… please.”
The blue haired man stepped closer.
“Can you look at me?”
Warm fingers gently took hold of his hands.
Kinji’s stomach twisted, he didn't deserve this.. Especially not from someone like Yamato.
To be stared by those loving amethyst eyes.
He felt so dirty.
“..There’s nothing wrong… I'm sorry if I worried you. "
He pulled away.
“Then why have you been avoiding me? Even now it's like you don't want me near you.”
He sounded hurt, even whilst avoiding the inventor's gaze the priest could still see the tears forming under the other's eyes.
It's not like he didn't want him around, no, it was the complete opposite, he wanted to be near him more than anything…
“So please Uehara, talk to me. “
Finally, Kinji forced himself to look up and face the one in front of him.
“.. I… I don't feel.. No that's.. “
Yamato slowly lowered himself as he kneeled in front of the bed, patiently waiting for his reply.
“I feel like.. What I’m doing isn't right.“
Kinji began to fidget with his nails and with the buttoned sleeves of his suit.
Yamato didn't budge.
“It 's just.. Whenever we..”
He took a moment to gather his words.
“No..”
He tried again.
“Whenever I hold you.. Or have my eyes on you.. I feel like what I'm doing is.. Something I'm not supposed to.“
Yamato looked hurt, however his mouth still stayed shut.
“... It's not you.”
He added.
The idea of Yamato blaming himself for Uehara's own thoughts somehow made it even worse. It was as if his words were caught in his throat, Kinji was sweating, he was too warm, and his thoughts were too loud. Everything was too overwhelming. He felt as if he could barely think-
Then a gentle touch met his face.
The inventor's thumb brushed gently against his skin, carefully caressing the side of his cheek.
“Take your time, dear. I'm not going anywhere, alright?”
Uehara leaned into the touch almost unconsciously, and took a deep breath.
“..When I'm with you... There’s this.. feeling. This odd feeling, like what I'm doing will have some kind of consequence.“
Kisaragi nodded.
“It's like something bad is waiting, it feels like if I keep acting this way.. acting so.. Affectionate.. Something bad will happen.“
“Something bad to me?”
He nodded.
“Yea, to you..
…Because of me.“
“And why do you think that?”
Yamato's second hand joined the first, now carefully holding his beloved's face with both hands.
Uehara closed his eyes as he leaned into his partner's warmth.
“Sometimes at Church.. I hear things. The priests and the nuns... They talk.”
He could feel Kisaragi’s hands slightly tremble against his face.
“About people.. And the way God wants us to live. My father used to do the same.. But they.. They talk about the way we are meant to act.. And dress… And love... In a different way than what I thought was the right path.”
The priest placed his hand to caress the inventor’s own, who still rested against his face.
“How we are designed for a purpose. And how love exists for a reason.. Love between a man and a woman. Which would bring another generation of believers."
…
“And do you want that?”
Yamato broke the silence.
“No.”
In truth, Uehara wasn't really sure of what he wanted. He wasn’t one to aspire to many things in life, in his heart, he felt a comfortable and calm life to be enough, But outside from that, there wasn’t anything ambitious he wished for.. However, what he knew was that..
“I want to be with you.. And I don't really want any children.. We already have enough of them at the orphanage.”
Yamato let out a small giggle in response.
“Well then, what's the problem with doing it the way you wish to?”
“It's just.. My duty, my job.. my ultimate talent.. I have spent my life doing what I thought was right under God's word.. And to have that idea changed to something too extreme from my original idea of it, is difficult.. I thought spreading care and compassion to believers and non believers alike was what I was meant to do. And that has never been a problem.. But.. “
His thoughts seemed to arrive slower than his words, Kisaragi stayed quietly waiting.
“Ever since I moved to Japan, away from my father and the church in Italy.. Here, sometimes I feel like I'm walking two paths at once. One part knows exactly what I want.. Whilst the other keeps asking if I'm allowed to want it.“
“And do you think what you're doing is wrong?“
“..I don't know.”
He let go of the inventor's hand.. And Kisaragi felt his thumbs go cold from the loss of contact.
“Sometimes.. I pray for certainty. And sometimes, I worry that the reason I haven't yet gotten an answer, is because I already know it.”
Yamato's hand slipped away from Uehara's face.
“..I'm not sure of what I'm getting into.. Or what this feeling is.. but.. what I don't want to happen is for it to harm you Kisaragi.”
“Kinji..”
“You are kind, and you have a great mind, one that will surely bring good to this world and everyone in it. But me.. I don't want to stain you with this.. feeling. I'm an ugly being, Kisaragi. And I don't want you to ruin yourself because of my selfish emotions..”
Yamato frowned.
“Uehara.”
A serious tone caught his attention.
“Have you ever actually wanted to hurt someone?”
The question caught him off guard.
...
“Use someone?”
…
“Force someone?“
“...No.”
“Then what exactly are we talking about?“
Yamato leaned slightly forward, his face now closer to Uehara's.
“Because from where I'm sitting, the crime you have committed is… loving your boyfriend. “
He paused dramatically.
“Yamato..“
“No, seriously, that's what I'm trying to understand.”
“You care about people, you spend your free time helping others around the academy, you practically adopt every child that walks into that orphanage.. You put everyone before yourself.”
Kisaragi’s eyes flicker with what can only be described as worry.
“Yet you, that same kind individual, is worried about staining me with ‘sin’?”
Kinji looked away,
“..It's not that simple.“
“I know.“
“But I think you are being unfair to yourself.”
Uehara's hand clinged to the blankets under him tightly.
“.. I'm worried that they are right. “
His throat tightened.
“And that eventually there will be consequences.. “
“Not for me…
For you… “
That was something the priest had already accepted as a possibility, months ago when his doubts first started to manifest in his mind.. When he had accepted what he felt for Yamato.
“You have so much ahead of you. Your inventions.. The Kisaragi Foundation.. You'll help so many people..”
His voice began to break.
“And.. If something happens because you stayed with me-”
“Kinji.”
“-If people start treating you differently.. Or it stains your image in the foundation-”
“Kinji.”
“-or if one day you realize this was a mistake and that you don't want this-”
“Kinji!”
Yamato spoke loud enough to make the priest stop. And then the inventor sighed.
“That's what has been eating at you?“
Kinji regretted staring at Yamato then.
Because he looked devastated.
“You thought I was going to throw everything away because.. You are you..?“
“That isn't-”
“Yes it is. You basically spent ten minutes explaining why I deserve someone better.”
Kinji looked away.. He felt so ashamed.
“Uehara. Look at me.“
Reluctantly, he did. Big mistake..
Because Yamato looked close to tears.
“Do you really think so little of yourself?”
He sounded heartbroken.
And that broke Uehara's heart as well.
“I-”
The answer caught in his throat, he didn't want this.
And suddenly everything was too loud, too hot, too much. And the pressure was unbearable.
“Kinji?”
Yamato's voice sounded distant.
“I just..”
His breath became unsteady.
“..I just- I don't want anything to happen to you.. Because of someone like-”
His voice broke halfway through.
And before he could do anything to stop it, tears had already begun to fall from his eyes.
“Uehara-”
Yamato immediately moved.
“Hey, hey, hey-”
Warm callused hands grabbed his own, stopping the priest’s nails from digging their way into his own head. Something he hadn't realized he was even doing.
“Don't do that.”
Somehow that concern only made him cry harder.
“Uehara-”
The inventor looked completely lost for a second. Not because he didn't know what to do, but-
Because he had never seen the priest cry before.
And it almost seemed to short circuit something in his brain.
Then, almost immediately, he snapped back.
“Okay.”
The blue haired man carefully pulled him forward. With one of his hands now resting on his shoulder, almost in an attempt to ground them both.
“First things first.. you need to stop treating yourself like you are some kind of disaster waiting to happen.”
“Yamato-”
“No.”
“Stop right there.”
The inventor's expression had changed, with his eyes now shining with the same determination he had when he decided to work on a new invention… And apparently, that machine was Kinji’s self worth.
“Do you know what I have been hearing for the past 20 minutes?”
Uehara could only look down.
He stayed silent.
“I’ve been hearing my boyfriend tell me he's dangerous-
I’ve been hearing him say that he's ruining my future-
I’ve been hearing him say that I deserve someone better.”
He let out a deep breath.
“And Kinji, I hate hearing you talk about yourself like that.”
Uehara raised his head only slightly.
“Because I don't think any of that is true.”
“Yamato-”
“No. You listen to me this time.”
He said with a serious tone that almost made Kinji giggle. Because he knew that Yamato only spoke seriously like that when he was passionate about something.
“You keep acting like being with you is some kind of punishment, that I'm sacrificing something.”
His eyebrows furrowed.
“Do you know how ridiculous that sounds?”
“...”
“Uehara.”
“Yamato..”
“Uehara.”
It was almost childish.
If under different circumstances, it would have been funny.
Instead, it only made something ache deep into his chest.
Because Yamato was trying.
Trying so hard.
“When we started dating, did I seem unhappy?”
“... No..”
“Have I told you I regret it?”
“No..”
“Have I ever acted like you are holding me back?”
“No.”
Uehara finally lifted his head.
“Then why are you deciding all of this for me?”
Kinji opened his mouth, but nothing came out. Because he simply didn't have an answer.
“That's what I thought.”
Kisaragi smiled proudly.
And then the room fell silent.
Uehara knew he was dragging it, but at that point, the roots of that insecurity had installed themselves too deep to be so easily ripped out.
…
“... What if they are right?”
“About what?”
The priest stared at the floor.
“About it being sinful.”
Kinji could practically hear his own heartbeat as he awaited for a reply.
So he stood there, in silence waiting for a reply, waiting for judgement, or for Yamato to finally understand why it scared him so much. But instead-
“What if they are wrong?”
Uehara blinked slowly.
Confused.
“What?”
“What if they are wrong?”
He said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
“People can be wrong, Uehara, happens all the time.”
A small faint chuckle left the white haired man’s lips, along with a few more tears.
“I'm serious!”
The inventor teased.
“I know.”
“Good.”
“Because that's the thing I don't understand.. You keep talking like there's only one possibility. One interpretation.. One answer.. One way to correctly understand this. But there are billions of people in the world, thousands of churches, thousands of beliefs, thousands of interpretations..”
“That isn’t-”
“Isn't what?”
“How faith works.”
“Based on what?”
“My church's teachings?”
“Exactly. Your church's teachings.”
Not gods, nor the necessary truth. Just what he had been taught. He knew people disagreed, knew that not everyone believed in the same thing. Yet the voices in his head and of those around him always sounded so certain.
Even if it wasn't necessarily the case..
“Besides..”
Yamato's expression softened.
“Let's pretend for a second you are right.”
Kinji tensed up, Yamato noticed.
Of course he did.
“Hypothetically.”
“Let's pretend you are right and somehow loving me is enough to stain your soul.”
Uehara felt his chest tighten.
“Then let it stain me too.”
…
“What?”
“Because I'm here by choice. And I know exactly who I'm choosing.”
“Yamato-”
“And if there's really some dramatic cosmic consequence for loving the person I love?”
Kisaragi let out a soft smile.
“Then we can deal with it together.”
Uehara could feel the tears coming back once more.
The priest covered his face. Another sob escaped before he could stop it.
Immediately, arms wrapped around him.
And Kinji let himself lean into it. After spending so long avoiding that same touch, that same warm, familiar touch.
Uehara didn't like crying, because as soon as he started, it became difficult to stop.
“I'm sorry.”
His voice came out muffled against the inventor's shoulder. However it seemed like the inventor himself had heard it quite clearly.
“Nope. No apologizing.”
“Yamato..”
“You are quite literally having an emotional breakdown and having your beliefs deconstructed.. You can have this.”
Uehara let out a sigh as he sunk deeper into the inventor's shoulder. And Yamato seemed absurdly pleased by that.
“There we go.”
“Kisaragi..”
“Nope… Still not accepting apologies.”
The blue haired man shifted slightly, pulling him closer, almost as if proximity alone could fix the current predicament, and knowing Yamato, he probably believed he could, and he probably could find a way for it to work.
“It's been months.”
Uehara finally spoke up.
“Since when?”
“.. About two months since we have begun dating.. And maybe a bit before it as well.”
The inventor pulled back immediately, not completely, just enough to be able to stare at the priest.
“Months?”
Yamato's voice cracked.
“Months..???”
He sounded confused at his own words.
“..It's not so bad.”
Uehara averted his gaze.
“You have been dealing with these thoughts alone for months? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“.. Because I thought I could figure it out on my own. Though maybe, if I prayed hard enough, I'd eventually get an answer.”
His hands tightened on the white fabric of Yamato's coat.
“But it never came.”
He leaned closer to the inventor.
“..Every time I thought I'd made peace with it, it came back. Sometimes I thought I was being ridiculous, or maybe even going crazy.. But then I'd hear something again at the church, and everything would start all over again.”
…
“Uehara, you wanna know something?”
He gently reached out and brushed away a tear threatening to form under the priest's eyes.
“I don't think you are scared because you don't care about your faith, I think you are scared because you do. You care a lot.. Maybe even too much, you care so much you have been tearing yourself apart by trying to do the right thing.”
…
“Maybe.”
“Definitely.”
Yamato paused.
“No maybe.”
The correction was somehow.. Very Yamato.
A tiny smile tugged at Kinji's lips. Which Kisaragi didn't fail to take notice of, in which he looked very proud of himself for.
“As your incredibly intelligent boyfriend, I have decided that I'm right.”
“.. Don't get too confident, my grades are only behind you in Japanese, in everything else, I'm pretty close.”
“Or what if I get a lil confident?”
“You might get an ego..”
Uehara said teasingly.
“It's not an ego if I'm correct!”
He said it so naturally it came out unexpectedly. Well, at least to Uehara, who let out the biggest laugh he probably had ever had in his entire life.
And Yamato was left stunned.
“Was that a laugh?”
“Don't start.”
“It was!”
“Yamato.”
“You laughed! Like actually laughing! Not that quiet giggle thing you usually do!”
It was almost cute how excited the inventor looked over such a simple thing. It was almost like he had just witnessed an invention of what seemed to be impossible come to fruition.
“I'm serious..”
“You haven't laughed properly in ages!”
Uehara's cheeks grew warm.
“You are impossible..”
“I know!”
Yamato held him a bit closer.
“Feeling a little better?”
Kinji looked around quietly, as if for a second to consider it. He could see from the corner of his eye Yamato looking slightly worried.
“...Yes.”
“Good.”
The inventor now seemed to finally relax, his thumb gently brushing against Kinji's cheek.
“Because we are not solving the rest of this tonight.”
“What.”
“You spent months carrying this. You aren't allowed to solve this in one evening.”
“...When you put it that way. It doesn't sound very efficient.”
“Thank you.”
And for a while, neither of them spoke, and the inventor eventually shifted their position to now laying on the bed, gently pulling Kinji down beside him. The priest went down without protest, he was too exhausted to argue, not that he particularly wanted to.
A blanket was dragged over both of them.
Then another one..
“Yamato.”
“Yes?”
“We don't need two blankets…”
“Incorrect.”
The inventor adjusted them anyway, and pulled in the second blanket over them.
“Emotional support blankets.”
“.. I don't think that's actually a thing.”
“I'm an inventor, it is now.”
And then they laid there in silence, comfortable next to each other.
Kinji felt the inventor's fingers lace together with his own beneath the blankets. It was cheesy, but it made his chest feel a little bit lighter.
Uehara found himself staring at him, at that bright blue hair, now messy and falling into the inventor’s face, and at the faint shadows beneath those amethyst colored eyes.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
A small smile threatened to form at the priest's lips.
“You were staring.”
“I was thinking.”
“Dangerous.”
“Yamato.”
The inventor laughed softly.
Slowly, Kinji lifted a hand and brushed a loose strand of hair from Yamato's face.
Amethyst eyes shining immediately.
The inventor leaned into the touch without thinking.
“Dear?”
Yamato's voice was quiet.
And for a second the priest hesitated. Only for a second. Then he leaned forward.
And then their lips met.
When they pulled apart, the inventor blinked. Once.. Twice.. And then that familiar grin spread across his face.
“Oh.”
Kinji immediately regretted it.
His face was so warm he felt he could melt.
And Yamato didn’t look any better, as his face began to turn red at an alarming rate, and with that stupid smirk still plastered on his face.
“What does that mean?*
“Nothing.”
“That absolutely means something.”
“Nothing.”
“Yamato.”
“You kissed me first.”
The priest buried his face in a pillow.
And the inventor's delightful laughter filled the room.
“You’re impossible..”
Kinji's voice came out muffled by the pillow.
“I have been told that!”
…
“Hey Uehara..”
“Uhm?”
“I love you, sinner or not. And as long as you allow me too, I want to stay by your side.”
The inventor said, as he gently brushed away the priest’s white bangs to place a kiss on his forehead.
“Thank you Kisaragi… I love you too.”
Now, flooded with his partner’s love and affection, all that the priest could focus on was sinking deeper into that warmth. As that unbearable feeling grew less and less significant. It was still there, and it probably wouldn't go away so easily, but having someone to help him through it, made it bearable.
Uehara felt almost silly for not having spoken to him about this sooner.
But there was no point in dwelling on that now.
“Hey darling..”
Kisaragi whispered.
“Please tell me when something bothers you like this again okay? I don't think I can handle seeing you cry again haha!”
“..Yes of course, I'm sorry.”
Kisaragi kissed him once more, now gently on his cheek.
“Anything for you, my dearest Uehara.”
Sometimes Uehara forgot he was dating such a sappy fool.
The white haired man once again leaned forward and his lips met the inventor’s, who this time, leaned deeper into the kiss as he held him tighter.
“..We should cuddle more often.”