Chapter Text
"Good practice guys," I praised, standing with my hand outstretched as my soccer teammates walked past, each reciprocating my high five. The outside air had grown cold now that the sun had set past the dense forest surrounding the field. The breeze felt nice against my skin that was still warm from a recent shower.
Our rigorous practices often went on long past sundown and tonight would've been no different if it wasn't for our academy's end-of-semester party. I wasn't one to indulge in the more 'wild' college activities, but I knew the girls on my team had been looking forward to letting loose after a difficult semester. That's one of the reasons I decided to give them the rest of the night off.
"Please be safe tonight, guys," I shouted over to my teammates as they all headed back towards campus, only to receive a few unserious replies. Should've expected nothing less from them, though I would've appreciated a couple 'thank you's for letting them leave early. I didn't dwell on it too much.
Though, when I noticed one of our academy's cheerleaders leaning against the metal bleachers a few steps ahead of me, flipping her hair to one side when she caught my eye, I had a feeling at least one good thing might've come out of my decision.
"Yes, Yoona?" I asked, feigning innocence, though I already knew her intentions were anything but. "Can I help you with something?"
She smirked and I knew right then that I had fallen into her trap. "Oh, I'm sure you can help me with many things," her voice came out deeper than normal as she gave me a slow once over before biting her lip.
I fought to contain my reaction, not ready to give her the satisfaction of seeing me fold so quickly. Instead, I just crossed my arms over my chest and narrowed my eyes at her playfully.
She cleared her throat and stood up straight, realizing she'd have to put in more effort if she wanted me to play into her little game. "I wanted to see if you happened to be going to the party tonight."
I chuckled. Of course that's where her plan was leading. "Yeah, because you know me, the resident party animal," I said sarcastically. She let out a small laugh at my joke and began following me as I turned to head towards the parking lot. "No, I wasn't planning on it. But you already knew that, didn't you?"
"I did," she smiled to herself and waited for me to come to the edge of the bleachers before stepping in front of me. She placed her hand on the chainlink fence beside me, consequently blocking my path with her forearm. "Which is why I've come up with a list of some pretty convincing methods to change your mind."
A chill went up my spine as I stood there frozen, trapped under her tempting gaze. She tilted her head to the side and watched my reaction as her hand brushed down her own neck and tugged on the top of her uniform, revealing more of her skin to me. Even under the painfully white, artificial stadium lights, she looked undeniably gorgeous. Really, it was unfair how pretty she was with her smooth, flawless features and perfectly toned body sculpted from years being of on a cheer squad. It was no wonder why all the guys—and girls—in school would fumble over themselves simply to get her to look at them.
"Oh yeah, and what might those be?" I tested, unable to deny her at this point. Really, it was like the words slipped from my tongue before my brain could decide to stop them. Something about her was just so alluring, like even if I tried my hardest, there was no way I could resist her. It was strange, especially when I considered that I hadn't really noticed her until she started pursuing me.
She hummed, pretending like she was thinking while her hand reached out to my bicep. Her skin felt unnaturally cold against mine, but the thought seemed to leave my mind just as quickly as it had entered. In fact, it was hard to focus on anything in that moment besides her swirling eyes and sparkling skin as her hand moved over to my stomach. "I don't know..." Her fingertips slowly dragged down my shirt, leaving goosebumps in their wake before meeting the exposed skin just below my bellybutton. "I guess you'll just have to come back to my room to find out." She gripped my waistband and slowly pulled me into her, our lips now just a few inches apart. She looked down at mine while licking her own and I felt so intoxicated being this close to her.
I was beginning to lose all sense of my surroundings looking into Yoona's hypnotizing gaze when the sound of a throat clearing in the dead of night reeled me back down to reality.
Yoona stopped dead in her tracks and took a step back from me quickly, as if caught doing something she shouldn't have.
Before I even turned to look at who made the noise, the tingle that spread across my skin told me who it was.
The older woman was leaning back against a large SUV parked just a few yards away with her arms crossed over her chest in disappointment and it made me wonder how long she had been there. For my sake, hopefully not long. The black leather jacket and dark grey skinny jeans she wore along with her short black hair blended in with the vehicle behind her, creating the illusion that she was nothing but a shadow with a pale face.
"Haewon?" I asked, shock evident in my voice.
When our gaze finally met, I could practically see the jealousy dripping from her eyes. She tilted her head to the side slightly as her jaw went slack and looked me up and down. Except it wasn't in a flirtatious way like with Yoona. No, this was her way of expressing her displeasure with my actions while also reinforcing her possessiveness, as if saying 'I told you you're mine and this is what you choose to do with your time?'
Apparently impatient and over our little staring game, Yoona blurted out, "who is that?" Her tone was slightly irritated, probably from having the moment interrupted.
Haewon smiled sarcastically in a way that made my stomach twist. "Who am I?" She let out a huff of a laugh, yet there was no emotion behind her eyes. "No, no," she said after a pause, finally pushing herself off of the car. "Who," she took a few steps towards the cheerleader until they were just a foot apart, "are you?" Her last words were practically spat in Yoona's face, accompanied by an accusing finger a few inches away from pressing into the cheerleader's chest.
It quickly became evident in Haewon's darkened eyes and clenched jaw that Yoona's tone had fully sent her over the edge.
"Haewon," I said firmly, but Haewon was still laser focused on the woman in front of her, likely a few seconds from ripping her throat out with her teeth if I didn't intervene. Well, maybe not something that crazy, but I could never be too sure with Haewon—especially considering the way she'd been acting lately.
It didn't help that Yoona wasn't phased by Haewon at all and simply said, "is this who you choose to spend your time with?" The disappointment was evident in her voice and it made me feel a confusing mix of emotions.
Initially I felt defensive towards Haewon, wanting to reassure Yoona that she wasn't normally like this, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized Haewon was actually always like this. Specifically around people who tried to get close to me. Only, normally she wasn't this aggressive about it. Clearly something had set her off this time, so either I was missing something entirely or Haewon was being especially irrational since Yoona had been making advances towards me.
I wanted to try to explain to Yoona and apologize for Haewon's behavior, but I knew now wasn't the time. The most important thing was removing Haewon from the situation before things got worse. "Haewon, don't," I raised my voice this time and placed my forearm across her collarbones. She grabbed my arm, ready to resist, when I added, "it's not worth it. Please, let's just leave."
I couldn't be sure what it was, maybe the genuine pleading in my voice or the fact that I offered to leave with her, but Haewon finally gave in and let me pull her back. Well, so far as she could still maintain her glare with Yoona all the way back to her vehicle. I opened the driver side door for Haewon before getting in on the passenger side.
Before Haewon got in, she shot one last threatening look at the girl. "From here on out, if I smell even so much as a scent of your overly-priced perfume on her, I can promise you I won't think twice before hunting you down and ripping your throat out," Haewon yelled before sitting in the driver's seat and slamming the car door. Well, that confirms at least one suspicion.
—
Most of the drive back was filled with me avoiding Haewon's eyes peering at me through the rear-view mirror while she silently seethed with anger next to me.
It was ridiculous really. I should've been the only one who had the right to be angry after what happened, not her. I did nothing wrong. Neither did Yoona. So why did Haewon think it was okay to attack her and then be angry at me afterwards? Really, she was acting like a jealous girlfriend. Except there was one major problem with that... she wasn't my girlfriend.
"You really should stay away from that girl," Haewon said, as if she hadn't already made her stance on the matter entirely obvious. This only made me angrier.
"Why, just because you didn't like that she was flirting with me?" I replied harshly.
"No!" Haewon bit back defensively. "I could sense something off about her."
I scoffed. "Yeah, right."
She ignored my comment and added, "I told you, it's not safe to be out past sundown."
"What does that have to do with anything?" I exclaimed, quickly losing my temper with her. "Besides, what do you expect me to do... drop out of soccer? I've been on the team practicing after dark for months now and nothing has happened to me."
"But things are different now," Haewon replied, her voice firm.
"What, just because I know things now?" I raised my voice at her. "How could having knowledge put me in danger?"
"How could it not?" she countered, her voice just as loud as mine now. "You know things that you shouldn't and anyone could figure that out based on how much time you spend around me." Her hand gestured between us before returning to the steering wheel.
"Yeah but, now I know what to look out for and how to defend myself," I replied.
"Oh, you know how to defend yourself, do you?" She let out a sarcastic laugh and looked over at me like I was an idiot.
"Yes!" I yelled a little too loud, tone now defensive. I felt embarrassed immediately afterwards and tried to explain myself, but she cut me off.
"Do you realize that you're bleeding right now?"
"What?" I asked, completely caught off guard.
"There's a cut on your lower back," she said casually.
I hesitated a moment, wondering if she was messing with me, before giving in and turning in my seat to examine my body. Not finding anything on my left side, I was beginning to feel foolish. Surely I would've noticed if I was injured, this had to be some sort of trick she was playing.
"Other side," she added, like she could read my mind.
I turned to look at the opposite side of my body and lifted up my shirt. To my surprise, I noticed the start of a decent sized cut lining the skin on my back just above my right hip. "How did that..." pressing a finger to it drew a smear of blood and sent a significant sting of pain through my body. "How did I not notice-"
"Adrenaline," Haewon answered before I could even finish my sentence. "Typical human experience. Likely from the high intensity of your practice. You couldn't see the cut since it was on your back and you never felt it even when your hand inevitably grazed it while you were showering."
My mind was reeling, searching for the moment I got the cut and wondering how something so significant had gone unnoticed by me.
"Yet, I could smell it a mile away," Haewon said, sending a chill down my spine.
I was speechless. Suddenly it made perfect sense why she had brought it up. And I felt sick now understanding the implications.
"See that's the problem," Haewon started, knowing exactly what my silence meant. "You will never understand what it's like to be the hunter. And if you can't understand that, then how could you possibly know how to defend yourself as the hunted?"
The rest of the ride was silent after that. Haewon knew she had said enough and I knew there was no longer any point in defending myself.
—
We arrived at her place not long after. It was a large house made out of thick, dark wood with the few windows adorning it shielded by blackout curtains. Haewon insisted that I spent most of my nights here, claiming it was a 'fortress' that would keep me safe from anyone—or anything—that might be a potential threat. I knew all that meant was that she wanted to protect me herself. Besides, for it being a 'fortress,' I always thought it was a little ironic that it sat dead in the center of the woods that Haewon always demanded I stay away from. Though, Haewon making unconvincing excuses for things that could be clearly answered by her feelings towards those things was not a new occurrence in the slightest.
It was eerily quiet as I got out of the car and the intense darkness of the surrounding forest only added to that feeling. Haewon's eyes were scanning the tree line as she waited for me to head inside. She was in this cautious, overprotective mode so often, sometimes I wished she'd just settle down and relax along with me. But that was never an option in her mind.
When I reached the front door, a blur of movement flashed in front of me and suddenly Haewon's hand was on the doorknob. I jolted back out of instinct, only to find that her other hand had already been placed behind me, anticipating my reaction. Though it was such a small thing, the idea of her being prepared to catch me in any moment unexpectedly made my cheeks burn. And suddenly I hated how annoyingly human that was, being so quick to let one tiny thing impact my opinion of someone.
I should've still been mad at Haewon. I deserved to be mad at Haewon. Yet I couldn't help but reason that she truly had done everything to protect me.
And by the slight raise of her eyebrow and the hint of a smirk tugging at her lips when I hadn't moved after she opened the door told me she knew exactly what she was doing.
Once inside, she directed me towards the kitchen, muttering something about 'cleaning up my wound.' Now I knew she was intentionally doing things to try to win me over, cause how could I possibly make an argument against her while she was doctoring my wounds?
"Sit here," she pulled out a barstool from the counter before turning around to grab supplies.
With a sigh, I did as she asked, knowing she was too stubborn to try to deny. I waited patiently on the stool and watched as she walked back over to place the supplies neatly on the counter next to me. The sight of the rubbing alcohol made me wince.
"We have to get your wound clean, so it doesn't get infected," Haewon said in such a soft voice, her eyes now warm. It was hard to believe that she was the same woman who, just fifteen minutes ago, was seconds away from attacking someone.
I swallowed nervously and simply nodded my head it response.
"Take your shirt off," she said in a quiet voice.
"What?" I looked up at her with a blush and wide eyes, confused for a moment. Then it dawned on me that she needed access to my wound and I felt wildly embarrassed.
For once, Haewon sent me a genuine smile, clearly amused by my sudden panic. "I mean, unless you'd like me to assist you..." she said lowly, taking a step closer to me, never breaking eye contact. One step further and she'd be standing between my legs.
"No, no," I panicked further, placing my hand out to stop her and instantly regretting it when it landed on her stomach.
She looked down to where I was touching her and back up to me with a daring expression. Her eyes seemed to shift to a subtle shade of red and I could've sworn I caught the hint of two canines peeking out below her top lip when her mouth parted.
Her reaction caused me to instantly retract my hand. I was sure she could hear the blood rushing through my veins as my heart pumped unusually fast at her behavior. Barely anything had happened and yet both of us were entirely on edge.
Haewon had once briefly told me about the special intensity that came with the bond between a vampire and her mate, but I had yet to experience it in this way before. And now that I had, the only way I could possibly describe it was intoxicating.
I had to physically turn my head and pull myself away from her gaze to be able to resist her. And when I did, I almost fell off of the barstool, feeling dizzy and unstable like a drunk girl at a club.
The stool had spun the other way, so when Haewon reached out to grab me, her arm wrapped around the front of my torso and her body pressed against my back. I held onto her arm and the counter to right myself and felt her breath against my neck when I leaned back. I was thankful in that moment for her strong grip, because the feeling of her hugging me from behind with her lips this close to my neck nearly had me passing out on the spot.
"You okay?" she asked softly, not ready to let go of me quite yet.
Not being face-to-face with her helped me calm down just enough to respond. "Yeah," I said, breathless. I felt incredibly foolish in that moment being so affected by such a small incident. And, though she definitely knew the true cause of it, I attempted to cover it up with a lame excuse. "Just feeling a little lightheaded. I probably overdid it in practice today."
Instead of calling me out, Haewon hesitantly pulled away from me once I was steady and seemed to accept my excuse without asking any more questions.
I finally felt less embarrassed about taking my shirt off now that I was turned away from her and pulled it over my head to give her better access to my wound. I heard her take a deep breath at the sight of my bare back before her fingertips hesitantly landed on the skin surrounding the cut. The freezing cold sensation of her skin making contact with mine made a hiss leave my lips and my body retract away from her touch.
"Sorry. Did that hurt?" she asked, concern evident in her voice. "I didn't even touch the cut."
"No it's just-" I hesitated, hoping my comment wouldn't somehow be insulting to her, "your hands are freezing."
Surprisingly, Haewon laughed lightly in response. "Well, that does tend to happen when there's no blood circulating through your body."
I breathed out a short laugh, mostly in relief that she wasn't offended.
There was a beat of silence between us when neither of us really knew what to say before I heard her readying some supplies.
"It looks like the bleeding already stopped, so I'm gonna clean up the wound with just a wet rag first and then I'll dab some alcohol on it," Haewon explained.
I whispered a simple 'okay' in response and couldn't help the way my heart beat even stronger in my chest at the care that she was showing with me.
Focus, Y/N, I thought to myself. She just almost assaulted a woman who was nothing but nice to you. Maybe a little too nice, but still. Haewon was the one acting out of line.
Yet, focusing seemed utterly impossible with Haewon's smooth, cool hands handling me so carefully while cleaning my wound. I got a waft of the strong metallic smell of my blood and I couldn't help but think how painful it must've been for Haewon to resist. And yet she still insisted on helping me without a second of hesitation.
And there I did it again, letting just a small few kind actions cloud my judgement of her.
I sighed, exhausted by my own mind.
"Are you okay," Haewon asked, now placing the rag down.
"Yeah," I replied simply, too tired to come up with another excuse.
"Your heart is beating really fast," Haewon said lowly, her voice suddenly much closer to my ear.
I felt chills along my skin and suddenly grew ten times more nervous at the sudden comment. Really, in that moment, there was almost nothing I could say that would be a convincing excuse to her. She knew exactly why my heart was pounding. And I was beginning to think she enjoyed the power she had over me.
So I tried the only thing I could do to flip the script on her, replying, "Bleeding around a vampire who apparently has a special taste for my blood specifically doesn't exactly calm one's nerves."
She placed a hand on my hip from behind. "That's not really why you're nervous, is it?" Her voice came out as a whisper.
I instantly felt the tension from earlier return and I knew if I let her continue on like this I wouldn't be able to resist her for much longer. And I'll admit there was a part of me that was prepared to give in and allow her to claim me as her own no matter how toxic our relationship had been up until that point. But the more rational part of me fought to hold out and push Haewon to answer for actions. After all, something inside of me was telling me that the payout would be much more rewarding in the end.
"Are you almost finished?" I deflected, but admittedly felt a pang in my chest as Haewon backed away from me in response.
"Almost," she replied, not even attempting to hide the disappointment in her voice.
I heard more movement behind me and then, without any warning, I felt a soft, wet object press against my cut that sent a sharp sting of pain through my whole back.
"Ow, what the hell, Haewon?" I jumped off the stool, away from the source of the pain and turned around to see Haewon holding an alcohol soaked cotton ball, now tinted pink with blood.
"I told you I was gonna rub alcohol on it," she said plainly, eyes void of emotion. "At least let me put a bandage on it." She grabbed a package and started opening it.
I huffed out an annoyed sigh and turned around to let her apply the bandage.
"You know, you could've at least warned me before doing that," I said bitterly, feeling all the pent up anger and frustration I had for her finally bubble to the surface again.
Once she had secured the bandage over my wound, I went to grab my shirt.
"Right, like you've warned me so many times before doing something drastic yourself," she mumbled with an irritated expression, glancing at me while I was putting my shirt back on.
I almost didn't catch what she said and I had a feeling she was hoping I didn't. But I did, and if this was leading where I thought it was, I was about to lose my patience with her. "What's that supposed to mean?" I challenged, a hint of anger in my tone.
"Do you know a single thing about that girl?" Haewon asked, a dead serious expression on her face.
"You actually have to be kidding me right now," I laughed in astonishment. I had hoped that I was wrong and she had finally let the earlier incident go, but, here she was, proving me right again.
"Do you know where she's from or who her family is?" she continued, ignoring me. "Do you have any past memories of her around town or at school?"
"Why are you so stuck on this random girl?" I yelled.
"You're not listening to me," Haewon's voice lowered.
"And you're not listening to me!" I exclaimed, throwing my hands up in the air.
"I'm trying to protect you!" Haewon's voice raised to match the volume of mine. "And I get you just think I'm paranoid or whatever, but for once I think there's really something wrong-"
"You think there's 'something wrong' with everyone that gets close to me!" I cut her off. "And then you scare them away so I never even get the chance to figure out if they were good or not. But it's never really been about protecting me, has it?" I paused, only to be met with silence. "No, it's all been about you all this time and wanting to gatekeep me from the rest of the world! If you can't have me, then no one can, isn't that right?" I took a deep breath, struggling to keep voice steady. "Why can't you just let me live my life in peace?"
"I am letting you live your life," was all Haewon could say in response. She wasn't yelling anymore, now quieted by my outburst.
"Okay," I said, with less anger this time. "Then let me go to the party tonight."
"What?" She exclaimed, voice instantly raised again. "You don't even wanna go to that party!"
"You know, for a person so obsessed with spending all their time around me, you sure don't seem to know a thing about me," I bit back.
"What are you even saying?" she asked, baffled. "You've told me multiple times that you hate parties."
"Then maybe instead of being instantly so against the idea, you should ask me why my opinion has changed. Did you ever think of that?" I crossed my arms over my chest.
"I don't have to ask, cause I already know the reason," she said simply.
"Oh, and what's that?" I asked, sarcasm lacing my tone.
"To defy me," she answered, staring into my eyes.
"Seriously, Haewon?" I groaned in disappointment. "I know this seems impossible for you to believe, but I promise you not everything I do is just to spite you."
A soft knock on the door sounded before Haewon could argue back. I let out a much needed breath, truthfully relieved to have our fight broken up.
A whiff of air hit Haewon's nose and that was all it took for her to know who was on the other side of that door. "Oh great, just what I needed... another one of my ongoing problems," she said with an exaggerated roll of her eyes.
"Hey! Watch it." I pointed a finger at her. "You can be mean to me all you want, but the second you're mean to her..." I trailed off, figuring she could fill in the blanks of my threat. "And, in case you've forgotten, she has just as much right to be around me as you do."
"Oh, how could I possibly forget that?" Haewon replied in an over-exaggerated tone, sending me a sarcastic smile.
I ignored her and walked over to open the front door. A small woman with short blonde hair and slightly parted bangs that hung past her eyebrows stood on the other side. She nervously fiddled with the buttons on her light blue denim jacket while looking at the ground. When her head tilted up, I could've sworn I saw the sun itself in her bright smile.
"Hi," she said, still a bit awkward even after knowing me for over a month.
"Hi, Lily," I breathed out, admittedly feeling a fluttering warmth spread through my chest. Her presence alone always seemed to brighten my mood.
"Did your heart rate seriously just pick up right now?" Haewon whined from the living room.
Lily's smile faded as her eyes moved to Haewon, but I noticed a pink tint crawling up her cheeks at the comment.
"Ignore her, she's in a mood right now," I told her and gestured for her to come inside.
"Suppose you can't blame her..." Lily said, walking through the entryway, "being allergic to the sun and all."
Knowing Lily, she didn't mean this to be funny or insulting and yet it made me bust out laughing and had Haewon grumbling curse words underneath her breath. Lily smiled at the sound leaving my mouth.
"Or perhaps my mood turned sour at the unbearable stench of wet dog now invading my home," Haewon returned bitterly, sneering at Lily.
This made Lily look down and grab at the edge of her light grey crop top: something I noticed she did when she was feeling nervous or—more likely in this case—self-conscious.
A frown overtook my face at Lily's actions. "Really, Haewon? After what I just said?" I scolded, stepping towards Lily to place my hand on her back, feeling protective.
Haewon just gave a muttered 'sorry, but it's true' in response.
Lily brushed it off like she always did while I was one more snarky comment away from telling Haewon off.
"Why are you here, exactly?" Haewon squinted at Lily.
"I'm here to say you should let Y/N go to the party," Lily replied simply.
"Oh you have got to be kidding me! Did she put you up to th-" Haewon started, but I cut her off.
"You want me to go?" I asked, surprised. Surely she had just now heard us arguing from outside and wasn't on her way over here just to tell me that.
"Yes," Lily answered confidently with a small nod, as if it was the most obvious solution. "I think you deserve to live a normal life-" she paused as I wrapped my arms around her in a side hug. "a-as long as you're able to." Her voice stuttered when she noticed my gaze locked onto her face and she quickly tried to avoid my eyes. "A-and we can't be sure how long that is—given, you know—so you might as well treat every day like it's your last."
She finally looked up at me with a smile and I squeezed her shoulder affectionately before turning to Haewon. "See, maybe if you acted more like this, I might actually start falling for you."
"Oh, whatever," Haewon scoffed.
Next to me I could vaguely hear Lily quietly repeating the words 'falling for you...' to herself before Haewon's angered voice took over.
"You can feel free to follow her advice if you wanna get yourself killed, because going to a party in the middle of creature-infested woods with the scent of a vampire and a werewolf all over you might possibly be the stupidest idea I've ever heard."
I could feel Lily's shoulders droop in defeat underneath me and that's all the fuel I needed to take a step towards Haewon and yell, "what is wrong with you?"
Even after all our fighting, this took Haewon aback.
"She has done absolutely nothing but show you kindness and is clearly not a threat to me and yet you still insist on being so hateful towards her?" My cheeks had turned red with anger and I knew there was no stopping me now.
Haewon stood there in silence, her lightless eyes locked onto mine.
Lily looked up at me with a sympathetic glint in her eyes and placed a hand on my shoulder as she turned towards me. "No, it's okay," she said softly, "You don't have to-"
"No, it's not okay," I insisted. "You don't deserve to be treated this way and she should have to answer for her actions." I gestured towards Haewon. "For everything she's done lately," I added, making it clear this wasn't only about her treatment of Lily, but about all the fights and arguments and all the people she hurt in the crossfire. Because it was evident to me that there had to be some underlying grudge beneath it all that caused her to do all of this. And it was about time she finally admitted the real truth.
"You really want to know why?" Haewon asked, her voice surprisingly calm and her face suddenly neutral.
I raised an eyebrow at her, daring her to keep going and finally lay it all out on the table.
So she did.
"I treat her and you and everybody else this way, because I have spent what might as well be an eternity of searching and growing attached to people I thought might be you, only to be struck time and time again with the realization that they weren't you and, because of that, I had to live with knowing I'd never be able to fully love them in the way they deserved to be loved. Yet I never had the heart to leave them, so I stuck around no matter how excruciating it was to watch the people I loved grow old and wrinkle while my skin stayed the same until they inevitably fell ill and I was forced to sit at their bedside and watch helplessly as the light left their eyes completely." Haewon's words spilled out of her as she finally poured her emotions out.
I felt sick at the vivid detail and ultimate reality of Haewon's life and suddenly all my issues with her were so small and stupid and insignificant.
"And now that I've found you, I have to deal with loving you so deeply and painfully that even just watching you walk away every day makes my heart feel like it's being ripped from my chest because I can't ever know if it'll be the last time I see you," she went on, looking deep into my eyes with a sorrow I had never seen from her. "Only for her to show up one day," she turned her attention towards Lily, "and tell me that I apparently wasn't the only one fated to be with you." She paused with an uneasy breath before continuing. "So now we have to—I don't know—fight for your affection or divide our time in half with you or just wait until you decide to reject one of us. Or both of us for that matter."
My heart was racing at this point and I could feel all of my own emotions charging to the surface. All this time I thought Haewon was being the self-centered one, never thinking about my perspective and what I was going through. I hadn't even considered that I was doing the exact same thing with her. I just assumed she never brought up her past because of something bad occurring, and never thought to push her on it. But I could've never even fathomed this level of heartbreak and torture. How does someone even live through that? No wonder Haewon was the way she was.
"Haewon," I whispered, nearly on the verge of tears myself. I tried to reach for her, but she took a step away.
"It's okay," she said, her voice sounding hoarse. She cleared her throat before adding, "you don't have to say anything."
I opened my mouth to protest, but she cut me off.
"I didn't say all that to make you two pity me, okay?" she looked at me, her eyes softer now.
I just nodded in response, certain that dredging up the past just to admit all of that to us was difficult enough for her. She likely wanted to try to forget about it all over again.
"I was being unfair, getting mad at you—or rather, the situation—for something you couldn't even understand," Haewon admitted, letting out a deep breath. "Truthfully, I was never actually mad at you," she added, her voice quieter and more vulnerable now. "I was just afraid of losing you and didn't know how else to express that."
I felt the urge to hold her hand or touch her in any way that might bring her comfort, but I hesitated. In that moment, I realized I didn't even know how she liked to be comforted. Or whether she even wanted someone to comfort her. I figured the best thing was to wait for her to make that decision first.
"I'm sorry," Haewon said, finally sincere. She was looking at me initially, but her eyes soon turned to Lily, implying the apology was directed at both of us.
"I'm sorry, too," I said, frowning towards Haewon.
"No, you don't need to apologize," Haewon said immediately.
"But I do need to apologize," I insisted. "I honestly didn't even think to consider the real reason you were acting out," I shook my head, angry at myself for being so blind. "I should've realized you were suffering."
"You had no way of knowing," she insisted, sympathy in her eyes as she looked at me.
"I-I just wish you felt like you could've told me instead of pushing me away, that was my own fault for not making sure you knew you could talk to me," my voice wavered as I suddenly felt nervous about the idea of growing closer to Haewon. That last sentence was an impulsive response, but it made me realize that I really did want to her to be able to open up to me about anything. I was just afraid it would take time to build enough trust for that. Though, the hint of light that entered Haewon's eyes as she looked at me made me feel less afraid.
When she timidly took a step towards me, I stood frozen, afraid any sudden movements would scare her off. She reached out for me and I felt a spark ignite in my chest knowing she was finally seeking me out for comfort. Her hand was cold in mine, but I subconsciously hoped my warmth added to that comfort when I interlocked our fingers.
"I'll try harder this time," she said, her gaze leaving our clasped hands to meet my eyes. "For you."
The look she gave me struck me with nostalgia, bringing me back to the very first time we met. I hadn't seen that much warmth and kindness in her eyes since that day. I couldn't help but think how refreshing and relieving it was to have that Haewon back. The Haewon that was so full of hope and love.
The moment ended quicker than I would've liked when she released my hand. But I wasn't too disappointed when her gaze shifted over to Lily. I had a feeling opening up to accepting comfort would take longer with Haewon anyways.
"And, uh..." Haewon awkwardly gestured with one hand towards Lily while scratching the back of her neck with the other. "I promise I'll try to be nicer. Since-since, you know..." her eyes tried hard but failed to avoid staring at Lily's face for too long, "you've only been kind to me." She cleared her throat once she finished and forced herself to look away.
I initially read Haewon's behavior as her expressing discomfort with acting nice towards someone she's been jealous of for the past couple of months, but I was beginning to sense something else. In my experience, Haewon didn't stutter when she was uncomfortable with someone. In fact, she would speak quite eloquently when telling people off that she didn't like being around. So this had to be actual, genuine nervousness. And I had never seen her nervous around anyone before.
That, along with Lily's own reaction—fingers fidgeting, eyes focusing on everything but Haewon's face, tips of her ears turning red—had me doing a double-take, staring back and forth between the two of them. Had there been an entirely different reason Haewon was being rude to Lily all this time?
"I-I appreciate you saying that," Lily replied shyly, "but I never held it against you." The sincerity in her voice even made Haewon's eyes soften. "I know this is a really weird situation for both of us- well, all of us really," she gestured over to include me, "and I've been struggling a bit, too. So, I really can't blame you for the way you acted."
I watched Haewon's expression slowly fade to one of guilt as she listened to Lily.
"It still wasn't fair for me to take it out on you, though," Haewon sighed. "It's not your fault. Just as much as it's not mine or hers," she looked over at me. I gave her a sad smile that she reciprocated briefly before looking back at Lily. "And I know that. It just always felt easier to blame everything on someone else rather than admitting that it has all been fated since the beginning and things can't be changed."
"Perhaps there's a reason it has been fated," Lily suggested.
Both Haewon and I glanced at each other skeptically.
"I mean, maybe something amazing will come out of this that we didn't even think to be possible," Lily continued, her words brimming with optimism. "Of course, I couldn't even make a guess as to what that may be, but... I suppose that's the thrill in the unknown: we get to find out... together." She looked at both of us with an unsure smile on her lips, yet an unmissable sparkle of hope in her eyes as she held her arm out in front of her.
Truly, Lily's words felt like a reach, but her overflowing optimism was undeniably contagious and I could tell even Haewon was feeling it.
Reluctantly and with a roll of her eyes at the childishness of the younger girl, Haewon stepped forward and placed her hand on top of Lily's. They both looked over at me: Lily with a beaming smile both at Haewon actually being cordial for once and as an encouragement for me to join them. And Haewon with a raise of her eyebrows, telling me to get on with it so she didn't have to stand there, making contact with Lily for any longer than she had to.
I took a moment to look back at them before adding my hand, my heart feeling full in my chest witnessing them finally getting along—if that's what you could even consider it—and I knew now there was only one decision I could make. The one where I vowed to hold onto both of them. Even if things didn't work out. Even if I was totally misreading their cues and they actually end up hating each other in the end. I had to try. Even just for a little while. Because I owed it to them.
-
Coming up:
"Now, I think we should try a trust exercise and I have just the thing in mind," Lily suggested in a chipper tone.
Haewon immediately groaned and pulled her hand away from the pile.
I laughed at the two of them, just waiting for Lily to continue, having no idea what she was about to say.
"I think we should all go to the party together."