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Every piece of Cater Diamond’s identity is fake. He fakes his interests, or at the very least exaggerates or downplays them in order to appeal to different people. He fakes what food he likes, eating whatever he’s given so as not to cause a problem. Now he’s scared that he’s faking his sexuality too. Granted, he hasn’t told anyone that he thinks he’s aroace, but he can’t help but worry. He got his phone case because it was popular. Haircut? Popular. Fashion? Popular. Everything about him was a reflection of trends. Historians could study his life and learn everything they needed to know about what was all the rage at any given time. That’s why he wanted to make sure that this one thing, this core piece of his being, was actually his and not just a cheap copy.
He first heard about being asexual from a classmate (Trey), and after some of his own research he came across the term aroace. It seemed to describe him perfectly. Little to no romantic/sexual attraction? He’d never felt either in his life, as far as he knew. He didn’t really know what falling in love felt like, so he couldn’t justifiably know if he’d felt it or not, and he was pretty sure no one his age was legitimately thinking about sex (they’re teenagers, for goodness’s sake), so he also couldn’t know that for certain. And did he really feel this way, or was he just copying someone he admired? Actually, maybe he wasn’t so sure at all. How could he really say he did or didn’t feel something if he couldn’t tell what it was?
Come to think of it, how did he feel about Trey? The way the media made it out to be, they should’ve been in love. Trey didn’t mind listening to Cater yap while he baked, and Cater actively sought out Trey’s company. Trey was the first person Cater thought when he thought about who he’d want to spend time with, Trey was who Cater constantly brought up in conversations with other people, Trey was the only person he’d made a playlist for, filled with songs that reminded him of their friendship. Out of everyone in the world, Trey was who Cater felt the closest to. He was the person Cater wanted to spend the majority of his time with, the person he felt most comfortable with. Heck, Trey knew about Cater’s thing with sweets, and Cater hadn’t even had to tell him. He’d just observed and remembered. And that’s all Cater wanted. To be noticed and known made him indescribably happy.
But Trey was asexual, and Cater was… Cater, so that couldn’t be it.
So what was it?
Cater didn’t think he’d ever really had a crush before. The closest he could come up with was when he’d first met Lilia. He was so intrigued by the fairy’s style of dress that he just had to find out what sort of person wore such cool clothes, because surely he had an equally cool personality. Carter wasn’t wrong, and now they were totes besties. Was that… sort of what it felt like with love? But just… more? It was a bit hard for him to wrap his head around. Dating in high school didn’t make much sense to him in general. People dated to marry, right? Because you were in love and wanted to spend your whole life with someone. So why date in high school, when you’re way too young for that sort of thing, and when the relationship probably won’t last?
Cater sighed. He’d been doomscrolling Magicam for way too long, and this time it wasn’t helping block out his thoughts. It was better to just go to sleep and deal with this in the morning (or never).
In the end, Cater decided that just being Cater was enough. He didn’t need to know anything right away, and he’d let stuff happen at its own pace. Whether it happened at all or not wasn’t up to him, so there was no point in worrying about it.