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As a rule, Thrawn did not cry. Not any more. It was a sign of a weakness, and Thrawn had none of those. At least, that had been the plan. After all, with everyone he knew far away in wild space, there was no way any attachment could stand in the way of his duty, to the Empire or the Ascendancy.
Thrawn sighed. Damn you, a small, largely insignificant part of his brain hissed, you should have just let him go back to Lysatra. For a moment, a foolish, broken moment, he indulged the thought. Certainly, had he done so, his current predicament would never had come to pass, but neither would he have risen so far or so quickly through the ranks of the Empire. Indeed, most likely his attempt to join the Empire would have ended swiftly and decisively before he had even graduated from the Imperial Academy.
Another tear followed the first, rolling slowly down Thrawn’s cheek. He made no attempt to wipe it away; nobody was watching, he had made sure of that. Dejectedly, he continued to rest his gaze on the man sleeping in front of him. Lieutenant Commander Eli Vanto. It had been yet another of those missions. Thrawn hadn’t been happy about the plan; he was sure neither Eli or Faro had been elated about it either, but it had been the most tactically sound plan, considering the circumstances. The worst thing was he couldn’t even reject it without risking shedding some more of the covers on his already badly concealed secret. For the only reason he hated the plan was Eli’s part, and Eli had promptly agreed to his role, seeing immediately the tactical merits of the plan. Counteracting that would be both an insult to Eli’s own skills, for he was perfectly capable of his task, and another morsel of evidence for an already suspicious crew, of his secret. So he had let Eli get captured and resigned himself to speeding up the tasks the rest of The Chimera’s crew had to preform before they could begin the rescue process as much as possible.
It hadn’t gone well, and Thrawn knew that it was because of him: his weakness. Every one of those fresh scars on his aide’s body was because Thrawn couldn’t keep him safe. And the mission had proven to him that his weakness hindered him from completing the missions assigned to him. So he had had to make the decision. For him, there was no other choice, and yet the decision tore at his soul. It is for The Empire. His mind whispered to him, and, despite giving it a moment’s consideration, he tossed the thought away. No, it is not for The Empire. It is for the Ascendancy, then. This thought was entertained longer, but still, ultimately, cast away, though with not such surety as the earlier thought. It is for Eli. By instinct, he made to crush the thought, before it compromised him further, but stopped short. Why did he need to, if he was to indeed go ahead with his plan? “Yes,” he whispered, barely loud enough for him to hear it himself, “Yes, it is for Eli.”
In a gesture that startled himself, he lowered himself to Eli’s level and, slipping his arms beneath the unconscious body and lifting him up. He was equally startled when Eli snuggled into his arms, not waking. Thrawn couldn’t suppress a small smile as he gazed down at his aide, savouring the feel of his body against Thrawn’s own and the gentle, synchronised, rise and fall of their chests.
He stood there for a while, jumping when his comm unexpectedly pinged. Loathe to lose the moment, he tried to reach for it while still holding Eli, hoping wildly that it was some unimportant message about something that could be easily rescheduled. It was Faro. Cursing in his head, he answered it. “A message from Governor Pryce is waiting for you in your office. It says it’s urgent.” Faro’s voice came through the comm. She paused for a minute, before adding cautiously, “Admiral, how is Commander Vanto?”
“He is recovering well, Commodore.” Thrawn replied, his voice cold, with no hint of the deep emotion he felt, and certainly no indication that the Commander was curled up on his lap, “But, although the wounds are healing, he is still unconscious.” Faro didn’t reply, but he could imagine that she was trying to gauge a deeper meaning from his words. She seemed to want to say something more, but when he pressed her, lightly, she simply repeated that Governor Pryce’s message was waiting for him.
He was reluctant to set Eli back down on the bed, but that was nothing compared to the reluctance he felt to leave the recovering Commander alone. However, his unreciprocated feelings for the young human were a threat to both of them, and however much he longed for this not to be the last time he held him, he knew this was how it would be, how it should be. Eli would never know how much Thrawn loved him, and it as safer for him that way. Safer for the both of them.
Nevertheless, Thrawn couldn’t stifle the regret in his heart before it forced him to steal another glance at Eli from the doorway. Lying where Thrawn had placed him, he looked so peaceful, so beautiful. It took all Thrawn’s strength not to return to his side and hold him until he regained consciousness, then beg him to give him a chance, to let him love him. But he didn’t. He didn’t even glance back as the door swished shut behind him.