Archive of Our Own

You’re not sure what led to this.

One minute, you’re saying a quick goodbye to Tenna. The next, you’re slamming your car door and twisting the key in the ignition.

What was it? What was the change? Was it the shift in season, maybe? The rising of tides, perhaps? The change in moon’s orbit, perchance?

Hell if you know. What you do know is that you’re about ready to rip some trenches in the asphalt with your tires. Your hand claws the gear shift. It yanks down to ‘reverse’.

But you can’t get yourself to punch the gas pedal.

You steal a glance at your apartment. The blinds are closed but you can see light coming through the window, broken up by a hazy shadow lumbering towards the front. It lingers there for a minute, maybe two, before it recedes into the yellowish glow.

You sigh and turn off the engine, dropping your head against the back of your seat and rubbing your hands along your face. “God… how did this happen?” you groan. But that’s not a very good question, is it?

Because you do know what led to this, you just didn’t want to accept it.

So maybe now, in the quiet alone of your car, in the cool crisp of an autumn night, it’s time to face the truth.

Things aren’t as simple as you wanted to believe.

Life… life was starting to drag a little.

Which you never thought would happen. Never, ever, ever. Not with Tenna. Not with Tenna ever! He’s the reason your life’s been so good. Why there’s been any sort of excitement around here!

And maybe that’s the problem. He’s the only reason why life’s been good. The only one you’ve come to depend on. And that’s been hard. Really hard. And it’s gotten harder every day.

With the way things are, you can’t do much with him apart from activities inside. Conversation topics over the dinner table have worn thin. And you’ve come to realize… well… you don’t have much in common with him. You don’t have much in common with him at all. Talking about you has been all well and good— you discuss work, you describe your dreams and aspirations. But sometimes you want to talk about something other than that. Maybe about his life? He’s told you stories about his time as a host and performer, but he hasn’t had much of a life beyond the stage. You sense there might be more, you’re so sure that there’s more, but after a couple of attempts at coaxing that ‘more’ out that resulted in nothing, you chalk the feeling up to only a false hope. So maybe about his aspirations? But when you’ve asked him, he only replies with some variant of T.V.s not needing that sort of thing. “I’m here to support your dreams, darling!” he’d say, or something like it. So maybe about nothing? You just want to talk about the little things— the cute dog you saw on your way to the grocery store, the way the wind whipped through your hair one morning, the accident you saw on the highway that day. For the most part, he parrots your emotions on those matters, making you feel heard. But deep down, you know. He’s never actually experienced those things, so he doesn’t truly understand. You can’t even ask him how dinner tastes because he won’t eat! He can’t.

When there isn’t more to say (which has become more frequent), he simply watches you eat, which you found endearing at first, until it started to irk you as the days went on. Unlike him, you didn’t like feeling on display. So your gaze slowly migrated to the tablecloth, then to the food on your plate, and you counted down the carrots or peas you still had left, until you finally had enough, and you made up some excuse that work was keeping you busy lately and you had to start eating in your office. He insisted on cooking dinner for you regardless, but you told him no, thanks, you needed something easier to manage at your small desk, so you opted for microwaveables.

And… admittedly… your minute-meals had more flavor than anything he could ever make for you, anyway.

T.V. Time hadn’t fared much better. It was the same sort of thing as dinner— you were the one steering the conversations. He’d sprinkle in a few comments here and there, a little more when it was older stuff he recognized, but that was it. It wasn’t much different from just watching T.V. normally after a while. It didn’t feel like you were watching it with anybody. You were essentially… alone. So you started heading to bed early, T.V. Time getting shorter and shorter until there were days you just got up from your desk and staggered to bed, promptly falling asleep. You had asked Tenna that during those nights that he please not come in. It meant you had a hard day and needed time to rest. He offered to sleep beside you, since… it had been quite a while, but you told him no, please. You just need time to yourself to rest. “Promise me?”

He did.

But he didn’t always keep that promise. You knew that for certain because you’d wake up with a blanket over you when you’d forgotten to cover yourself. And one night, you weren’t asleep. You were just… tired. And you heard your bedroom door open. So you pretended. The footsteps weren’t heavy. They were no more than a whisper across the carpet, until they stopped in front of you. A soft lullaby played but you turned away from it, pretending to be in the throes of a small nightmare. Wrong move. Because you could feel the static of his screen come close to your face. So you pulled the blanket past your head. His kisses didn’t feel the same anymore. And you’d just… rather not be touched right now.

And that’s how everything had been going for at least the last few days. Weeks? Months?

You rest your chin on the steering wheel. However long it was, you were wrestling with these feelings for a while. Was it simply the passage of time that brought things to a head?

No.

Your mother had called.

Maybe a couple days ago, maybe three. During the day while you were out doing errands, so Tenna wasn’t there to hear it. It was best that he didn’t. She asked you if you found a nice young someone to hook up with yet. “We’re not getting any younger, you know,” she reminded you. “Same goes for you!” And you were so ready to tell her that yes, you in fact did meet someone, a wonderful someone, so she could stop asking you now, thank you very much.

And yet, you were distraught because you, in fact, could not tell her any of that. Because then she would ask for details— “What’s their name?”, “What’s their job?”, “What do they look like? Send pictures!” And you… you couldn’t do that. So instead, you gave her the same half-baked excuse you always gave about not meeting the right one yet and simply ended the conversation with a brief update on work and a superficial exchange of I Love You’s.

But though the conversation had ended, the feelings it dredged up still simmered under your skin and made you antsy.

So when Austin texted you tonight asking if you wanted to go for a stroll downtown, maybe go out for ice cream or catch a movie, it was just the push you needed to leave your apartment and take a breather.

But little did you know, it wasn’t going to be that easy.

After you hastily said goodbye, Tenna was quick to block the door, interrogating you on why you had to leave. “All I’m asking for is a simple answer to a simple question! Where are you going this late at night?”

You were just as quick to point out that it wasn’t much of his business where you were going, but it was to no place in particular. You just… needed to clear your head.

“But, why?” he pried. “Why do you have to leave and ‘clear your head’? I don’t understand! Is something bugging you? Huh? C’mon! You can tell me! We… we’re partners, aren’t we? … Aren’t we?”

You quickly assured him, though you couldn’t quite meet his gaze. Not that he seemed to notice.

“Right! Thought so!” He perked up instantly. “B-But… maybe I’m not holdin’ my end of the deal? I’ve gotta…! I’ve gotta be more supportive! I have to already know what you’re thinking without you telling me!! That’s it, isn’t it?”

“Tenna…” you said, “it’s not—"

“No, no! Don’t tell me! Don’t tell me! I got this! Let’s see. Is, uh… is work stressing you out? Is it work? Is it getting to be too much? Or… or m-maybe you’re coming down with something? Maybe you oughta take a few days off? … No, no! Not it, either, but I’m getting warmer! I can tell by your face! It’s uh…!” He snapped his fingers. “Your game! Your game! You haven’t talked about it in ages! You hit a roadblock? Need some help? As a connoisseur of all things gamey and T.V.-ey, I’m sure I can spark an idea or two! N-Not that your game isn’t already good! Because it is! So that’s not it, is it? But something to do with it, right?! No? So what is it? Is it… is it…?”

Even now, your grip on the steering wheel tightens as the memory of his incessant questioning boils your blood, but none more than the question he had asked next.

“Is it Austin?” His posture stiffened and his mouth tensed. “It’s him, isn’t it? Him and his stupid ‘critique’. I’m right, aren’t I? That’s what’s botherin’ ya! Well, you just send him my way and I’ll set him straight! Boy, will I set him straight! He’ll learn a thing or two about never messing with my Light—!”

“No!” you yelled. “No, it’s not him! It’s not any of that! Just… ugh! Stop! Okay? Stop,” you said, shooing Tenna away from the door.

He hesitated but eventually yielded.

You shook your head, your hand reaching for the handle. You were right there, just about to leave through the open door, but something bubbled in your chest, and you had to get it out. “You’re the only one bothering me…” you mumbled.

“What…?”

You wince. The acid from those words still laces your tongue, staining the spaces between your teeth. You tap the back of your head repeatedly against the headrest, questioning why, why, why you said that. Why did you say that? It just made things so much worse. And the strain it caused was evident by the pain in Tenna’s words.

“Wait, wait, wait. Let’s pause the music for a second. You… it’s… it’s me? It’s something I did?”

You didn’t confirm it. But you didn’t deny it, either. You only stared out into the night sky, hoping the wind would start raging and thrashing so you wouldn’t have to hear Tenna’s quickened breathing, the consequence of your carelessness.

“And what did I do? I’ve only… I’ve only ever listened to you. Only ever cared about you. What? Was I not supposed to? Wh-what am I missing here? … Wouldja turn around and talk to me? What am I missing?”

You turned to see him clutching at his shirt. You nearly lost your composure at seeing him so dejected, but your agitation kept you from crying. “Tenna, can we not do this right now? I have to go.”

“Oh, no you don’t! You brought it up!” He reached over and pushed the door closed. “We’re settling this now!”

“Don’t do that!” you snapped.

“Do what?”

“Don’t use your size to intimidate me! You don’t just shut doors whenever you want to! This is my place!”

A deflection. It was so much easier to handle. It was so much easier to be angry.

“Wh… I…” he stuttered. Then his shocked expression morphed into an uneasy grin. “Oh… Oh, I get it. You don’t think I’m pulling my weight around here. Or you think there’s too much weight for me to pull. Well, exUUUuuse me!” He bowed with an exaggerated wave of his hand. “In case you haven’t noticed, I’m a bit out of sorts during the day. But guess who’s doing the dusting and the dishwashing at night? I’ll give you one guess! That’s right! Me! I’m keeping this place together while you’re doing God knows what in your office!”

“Work! Obviously!” you fired back.

“Oh, please,” he sneered. “Don’t think I haven’t heard you on your little rectangle playing music videos or some such. What kind of Idiot Box do you take me for?”

“Ok, first, it’s called a ‘cellphone’,” you retorted. “Second, I’m entitled to a few minutes of break from work that actually keeps this place together!”

He put his hands together and forcefully smiled. “Well, then! If you’re taking a few minutes every few minutes! Then you can just as easily—!” He stomped off into your room and you heard him rustling around for something. He returned with a box held triumphantly over his head which he promptly dropped on the ground. “—get through these!”

“Hey—! You—!” You stared at the pile of wires Tenna so audaciously pulled from their home.

“I’ve been asking you. For. Months. To sort this out. Because you know how much this bothers me. But maybe because you know how much it bothers me, you never bothered to sort through them!”

“Work! Work! How many times do I have to tell you?! I’m busy! With work! I have absolutely zero time to do anything else—!”

Tenna made three quick clicks with his tongue as you spoke, spinning out half-circles with an index finger as he held his other hand up to look like a phone.

“… Ah, yes, hello? I have a Lightner here that would like to order some cheese with their whine. With a side entrée of spaghetti…” He picked at a loose wire and jiggled the bundle. “… and meatball.”

You threw your hands up in the air. “I can’t even talk to you right now! You’re being so ridiculous!”

Tenna gasped and put a hand to his chest. “I’m being ridiculous? I’m being ridiculous?! Maybe people don’t take too kindly to being called obsolete when they’re just doing their best to help you!”

“When did I ever say that! You’re calling yourself that! I never said that!”

“You implied it!”

“Gah!!”

From there, it swiftly devolved into a shouting match of jabs and ego-blows. You can’t remember a single word of it. It was just incoherent babble, really a competition of who could talk the loudest until you finally had enough.

“I don’t have time for this!” You grabbed your computer bag off the floor and slung it onto your shoulder. Forget Austin, you thought. Forget all that! “I have work to do!”

Tenna scoffed. “That’s rich. ‘Work’. What ‘work’? You work at home! Where—?!”

“I’m GOING to the LIBRARY!!”

You slammed the door. You stomped down to the parking lot. You think you may have heard something else slam as you walked away, but what did it matter? You're in your car now, replaying the events in your head.

It isn’t fair. It just isn’t fair. How could this relationship that had you walking on cloud 9 suddenly send you crashing down to earth with a landing so harsh it knocked the joy right out of anything you did with Tenna? And got you fighting with him, too?! The revelation gnaws at your stomach.

And you’re not the only one to notice it.

Tenna noticed this, too.

He thought things were going just swimmingly! Here he was, a boob tube without purpose, going from hand to hand for who knows how long, when you showed up, seeing him as more than a commodity. Sure, the initial purpose for getting him was… not what he’d ever hope for. But your intentions. Your intentions were only ever good because you only ever cared about him, since the first day you laid eyes on him. And that colored your every action. The way you’d smile when you thanked him for dinner, the way your nose crinkled when you’d laugh at one of his favorite sitcoms, and the way you’d… the way you’d kiss his set in the morning before you bunkered down for work.

And, of course, he couldn’t forget the nights in your bedroom. Sometimes he’d just play something to help you fall asleep as he laid there next to you, something quiet, nothing flashy or loud. But sometimes you insisted on just… seeing his face. And you’d just look at him. No programs playing or anything! Just him. And sometimes you’d trace out his smile, walk your fingers along his nose, and you’d giggle when he did the same to you, your face faintly glowing pink because of the light coming from him. And he couldn’t help but just hold you, if he could be so bold! But you never minded, simply curling up against his chest and falling asleep soon after.

One night, he felt the indent on his ring finger, and thought, “It really has been a long time since I’ve had a relationship like this, huh?” And how lucky was he to get another chance at it? He only wished he had some blank VCR tapes to record all those moments. Just for himself. Just so he could relive those moments exactly as they were. Because he didn’t realize how fleeting all this really was.

Because one day… you got kind of quiet. Your smile didn’t meet your eyes anymore, your laugh wasn’t quite as vibrant, and sometimes… you’d forget to even say good morning before doing your thing. Did it happen all at once? Or was it gradual until it was noticeable? He wasn’t sure, and he wasn’t sure what was eating you, but no way around but through, right? All couples hit a rough patch once in a while! So he gave you your space, he affirmed your feelings, he tried to keep things tidy while you worked so hard to keep the lights on.

But was it so selfish to want just a little interaction? Just a little bit…?

He got his wish. Boy, did he ever get his wish. The first time you really talked to him in forever, you blamed him for bugging you! What the heck?! Where in the flim hecking flam was this nonsense coming from?! Him being the problem?! As if! What? Was he a mosquito buzzin’ in your ear or something demanding attention? No! Absolutely not! But you certainly made him feel that way! That he was just some unwanted pest and not the extraordinary T.V. that’d been keeping you entertained since you got him.

Well! There were plenty of things about you that bothered him! Like those damn wires for a start! Dumped in a box and all forgotten until you needed them! Did you ever think of them? Ever think about how they weren’t all the same? How they all had some sort of use?!

And…! And…!

… That was all he could think of, admittedly. But that didn’t keep him from getting creative with his insults, whatever it was he said to you. He can’t remember. He just remembers feeling so angry, so upset! That when you left in a huff, he took all of that out with a POUND! to the nearest wall.

Which just happened to be the one behind the entertainment center.

Something rattled, and he turned just in time to see several knickknacks fall to their demise.

He was on his belly so fast to catch them all, his weight shook the ground and his belt buckle scraped the floor. He held those tchotchkes close to his chest and briefly scanned them for injuries.

Then he heard your car start.

He got up and walked to the window.

There you were. Headlights on and engine running, about to hightail it out of there.

And he couldn’t help but wonder if this was the last time he’d see you in a long while.

He looked back at the knickknacks in his arms. One of them was a ceramic T.V. set with a black and white picture inside of a happy couple, the man looking pleasantly surprised while his wife planted a kiss on his cheek.

Tenna sighed. “C’mon, Ralph and Alice. Let’s get you two squared away.”

And now here he is, trying his best to get everything back in order while he just… waits for sunup, he supposes. Which is hard to do.

Physically, he means.

He could shrink and grow, but he couldn’t change his proportions very well. He couldn’t quite reach the top shelf at ‘human size’ and hold things properly, so he crouches down instead and holds each figure between his thumb and index finger to place it perfectly, careful not to bungle things with too strong a grip or too quick a movement.

The ceramic T.V. set belonged in the sort of middle on the highest shelf… that glass piggy bank you won in the first grade went on the end… and the… the…

He studies the clay polymer figure in his hand a bit longer. It’s a depiction of a horse with gears and mismatched parts. A real spitting image of one of the ‘characters’ of your game, if he does say so himself!

He made that for you. You’d gotten some arts and crafts for him to busy himself with while you worked late one night, and when you saw what he made, well… hugging it close to you was about all you could do to keep the tears from coming.

He smiles, blushes swirling on his cheeks. A T.V.… make something. Who’da thunk it? Sure! He’s made shows and programs! But something a Lightner can hold and cherish? Never ever has that happened before! It keeps his thoughts away from the fight for a moment.

But just for a moment. Because it’s not enough, is it?

It’s hard for him to look at all these baubles as he puts them back. Most of these you got for him from various outings, all hand-curated with him in mind. It was flattering, just flattering! But… how much more amazing would it have been for him to go with you on these outings? The thought had crossed his mind before, but now it’s stronger than ever. And it makes his mouth curl in disgust.

“Dusting and dishwashing… what was I even talking about? Like that does very much good. They don’t need just that! They need… they need…”

… He’d been watching a lot of romance movies lately. It wasn’t something he had sought. Just kind of caught his interest when flipping through channels one of the nights you went to bed early. It had been a while since he’d seen anything like that— the kids never watched them, and Toriel and Asgore rarely did, either. And he’d never seen ones with humans before. But now that he found them, he couldn’t stop. He searched for them, liking the happier ones most. And he studied them, wondered about them. Saw the way the couples’d go out on long walks, shoot the breeze about anything, simply hold each other close and listen to the sound of one another’s heartbeat. Sure, they’d get in their little spats (if he had the stomach to watch those parts), but in the end, they always found… common ground…

But… you both are so different…

He couldn’t do any of that. His new world’s these four corners right here. As much as he had to remind himself that this world isn’t the same as his old one, that he isn’t just a Darkner anymore, it didn’t detract from the cruel, certain reality that he isn’t very different from before. That every sunrise he’d have to watch his body turn transparent until he’s reduced to nothing more than a large box plugged into a wall that’s stuck watching you in his dreamy sort of state as you went about your business. You’d go do your Light World things and have all these experiences while he… he’s left all alone in a silent apartment. How many times did he wish he had his arms just to hug you goodbye? How many times did he wish he had his legs so he could walk over and hold the door for you?

How can he ever expect you to be happy when he’s got you all cooped up with him?

He finishes putting things away, including the wires he dared to remove from your room (what was really the point of bringing that up? It wasn’t a big deal at all…) and simply sits on the coffee table with his head in his hands, shrinking down several sizes until his feet dangle over the edge.

“Well, Tenna ol’boy… it’s time to face facts. You’re a one-trick pony. And this pony’s just about outta commission. What were you really expecting from yourself, anyhow? You? Be partners with a Lightner? And a human, no less! It just can’t be done. You weren’t much of a partner then, and you’re not much of a partner now. They deserve better…” He shrunk down even more, discouraged, defeated, until he was only three inches tall. “I mean… what more can you really offer them…?”

It isn’t fair, is it? It just isn’t fair.

The way you treated him, and the way you treated him the many nights before… it weighs heavy on your heart. Tears sting your eyes.

Why were you expecting so much from him? He was doing everything right, right? The best that he could. It’s not his fault that everything is the way it is. It’s not his fault! But you made him feel like it is. How could you be so selfish to think he hadn’t noticed the changes?

You slap a palm to your forehead. “Ugh, the way he reacted— of course he reacted that way, dummy! You shut him out for this long and then you just leave?! Why did I…? Why…?”

Why did you never bother to talk to him about this? You’ve told him about your worries before. You’ve even cried in front of him and he comforted you. Why is this matter any different?

… Maybe because… unlike those times… there is no ‘light at the end of the tunnel’. Things just are. And you could talk about it all you want, but there will be no change. There can’t be. But then again, is it really better to leave it alone, all bottled up, until it finally explodes in some foamy mess that you can’t even begin to explain? You’ve gotten a small taste of the result. And it was nothing short of awful.

You remember his face. The distress you caused him when you told him he was the problem. A sharp pain shoots through your chest.

The last thing you ever wanted was to make Tenna feel like you resent him.

“Oh, Tenna… what am I doing? I… I have to—!” You shoot a quick text Austin’s way that something came up and you can’t make it. You run out of your car and back towards your apartment, wiping the tears from your eyes. There’s no time for that now. You need to talk to him first.

You get to the front door and you fumble with the lock as your hands shake, but finally you get inside and you call for him. “Tenna! Tenna!” You look around. He’s not in the entertainment center. He’s not in your bedroom or your office. He’s not in the kitchen, either. For a moment you think the last several months have all been in your head, but then you remember how small he can get, so you start crawling on your hands and knees, calling for him again as you search nooks and crannies until you hear—

“I thought you were going to the library?”

It was so quiet, but it was his voice, all right. It brings your attention to the coffee table, and he’s the smallest you’ve ever seen him, maybe no bigger than your thumb.

He stands up and tries to straighten up a bit, but he can’t quite find the strength to grow any bigger right now, so all he does is stand a bit straighter, his hands behind his back. He saw you come in, of course, but he wondered if he was even worth talking to in such a pathetic state.

But… he didn’t want to assume for you, so he called out to you, finally, and now you see him in all his glooby glory.

But you don’t care about that. You go to him and kneel by his side, spilling out words before you really think them through, and he does the same.

“Tenna… you… I didn’t… I mean, it’s… it’s just… I’ve been holding onto something for months—”

“No, no. It’s not… it’s just this understanding… there just being too big a difference between—"

“—maybe I’ve just been having trouble navigating but then I pinned it on you and—”

“—don’t know what I was thinking bringing all that up when by all accounts it didn’t make any sense—"

“—I—!”

“—I—!"

You cut each other off. You awkwardly chuckle. “I didn’t catch anything you said. Did you hear what I said?”

Tenna shook his head. “Nuh-uh.”

Silence hangs between you. You let it sit a few moments longer before you decide how best to approach this. “Tenna,” you start again, “can I talk to you? It’s… something I should have told you about earlier.”

He’s silent still, but he nods. You reach over to scoop him up, aiming to talk on the couch, but he steps away from your hand, and it reminds you of the night you rejected his affection.

Maybe you’re the one who should be more conscious of their size.

“It’s comfier on the couch…” you say, tapping your fingers together. “Am I okay to… bring you over there with me?” You offer your hand. He hesitates, but ultimately appreciates the gesture, taking a seat in your palm. He’s so delicate, his tail about as thin as sewing thread. You never actually held him before. He’s only ever held you. Seeing him vulnerable like this… it hurts you.

You make a short journey to the couch and let him slide off onto the cushion. He sits down, but you don’t. You continue to kneel, keeping your eyes level with him… maybe even a tad lower before you try to talk again.

And how hard it is to try again. It makes you feel uncomfortable to express what’s been going on, but… you try again anyway.

“… I haven’t been honest with you, Tenna. Something’s been going on with me for a while now. Just this feeling of… restlessness, I guess. I don’t know…” You look down at the carpet. “I just… I don’t know! I just wanted to stretch my legs or something. Just… get out of the apartment for a bit, and I got mad when I couldn’t. But it really wasn’t about you. It… it really wasn’t. I’m sorry.”

“That’s a sweet sentiment, darling,” he says. “But I think you’re not being honest with yourself.”

You look at him. He sits cross-legged, thumbing the prongs on his tail. His screen is dark. “Of course it’s about me. It’s about… us. We’re real different.” His head tilts back, the glare of the living room light briefly sliding across his face. “Our differences have finally caught up with us. And I think you’ve realized… I’ve realized… that I can’t provide what you need.”

“Tenna, what are you talking about?” you ask bewildered. “You’re doing tons of things for me! Like you said! Cooking, dishwashing, dusting! You get things set up for T.V. time, you always make sure the couch is in the right spot for watching, you—!”

“Darling.”

You stop talking. His face is back in view, and he’s frowning. It’s not an angry scowl, or a disappointed glare. It’s simply firm, aimed right at you. And you think…

All that stuff… it’s not what he’s talking about. And you realize that you’re sweeping things under the rug. Again.

You have to tell him everything. Even if it hurts.

You rub your arms and take in a slow, careful breath. “… Austin… messaged me today.”

His gaze doesn’t change.

You continue. “He wanted to go for ice cream, maybe go to the movies. I said yes, and… that’s where I was going tonight.”

He turns away, his head slowly nodding. “… He’s a good kid. And I think… I think he’s good for you. You two would be good together.”

“It’s not like that, though!” you say. “Austin’s a great friend, but I don’t like him that way. He’s… he’s not you.” And now that you think about it, it was good you canceled on him. Because all you would have thought about is how he isn’t Tenna, and that wouldn’t have been very fair to Austin, either. “We would have been miserable. Because all I would be thinking about is how I’m not doing this with you.”

“But I can’t do that. You need human interaction.” He wipes his nose. “You don’t need an old CRT slowing you down.”

Your fists clench. “Tenna, we’ve been through this. You’re not just some ‘old CRT’. You’re… you! You matter! You have thoughts and feelings, and you’ve had a life before all of this!” The tears are coming back again. “How can you still call yourself that after everything?”

“Because that’s all there is to me.” He limply shrugs. “That’s all I can be for you. But you don’t need that. You need—"

“Ugh, who cares what I need?”

“I do.”

“I KNOW!!”

He jumps at your voice, falling over on his back. You didn’t mean to do that, but you can’t stand this. You can’t stand this anymore.

“You care about me so much that you aren’t thinking about yourself and what you want! And I’ve never had that before! I don’t think anyone has had that by anybody in the history of ever! It’s not just the things you try to do, it’s the things you do without trying! You make me feel safe. You make me feel seen. You make me feel loved, even when I was in no condition to have it, you did anyway. And you’re the first one who’s ever taken me seriously by just listening to me… ramble on and on about me. And, yeah, there are things I talk about that you don’t understand, but you try! You really try! And that’s more than I can say for any human I’ve met my entire life! Even my own parents won’t do that! You try to meet me where I am, and what do I do to repay you? I avoid you. I… h-hide from you. I yell at you. And… and…”

Your back slides down the edge of the couch as you bury your face in your hands.

“Damn it. You love me so much, it burns. You make me want to shout out from the rooftops ‘I have someone who loves me more than anything in the whole world!’. You make me want to… to grab some rando off the street and say ‘Hey you! Meet the best thing that’s ever happened to me!’ You make me want you in every part of my life, and I want that! I want that so bad! That it’s killing me that there’s this stupid wall I can’t break through to get to you, to really know you. But why don’t I just… just stop for a second and appreciate what I do have? What I don’t deserve? Instead, I didn’t talk things through, and I just blamed you, as if you could do anything about it. What good partner does that?” Your hands grow wet with your tears. “I’m an idiot. You deserve someone… so so so much better than me.”

“Hey.”

A hand lands on your shoulder. You look up through teary eyes to see Tenna, staring firmly at you again, but this time above you.

“That’s my Lightner you’re beatin’ up. Don’t make me come over there. Because I will fight for them tooth and nail.” He smiles. “You just watch.”

A watery chuckle escapes you. More tears fall from your eyes. He then pats the seat next to him, and you get off the floor and sit down beside him. He gets up a second to reach over at the coffee table, before settling back down with you with a tissue in hand. You take it appreciatively and wipe your eyes.

“You know,” Tenna starts to say, “I think you see me in too much of a rosy light. I don’t gotta prefix of ‘ex’ in my descriptor for nothin’! Ha! Heh…” He scratches at his dials. That wasn’t as funny as he thought it would be, but it was his attempt to cool everything down. You don’t seem to put too much stock in it, continuing to wipe your eyes, so he lets it go and tries to be more careful with his words. “… In all fairness to you, I pushed this whole situation in some measure. I didn’t stop to think what this would all really mean and the kind of spot it’d put you in. I just thought… I just wanted you to see me and these… big feelings I have for you. After that, I didn’t think about it much. Not at all! Sort of expecting a ‘happily ever after’, I guess. But you’re the one doing the real heavy lifting. I mean, you gotta freeloader here that’s so big, he sits around the house!”

A rimshot plays from his head. That one landed better. You roll your eyes but smile. “Tenna…”

He sheepishly grins and holds out his hands defensively. “Okay, okay. Sorry! No more self-deprecation outta me. Promise!” He relaxes. “But, seriously. You have been doing more than you realize. What with all your work and letting me stay and keeping your feelings to yourself ‘cause you really can’t tell nobody. And here I am having a pity party— table for one! Of course you’d get frustrated! No one could blame you! I don’t blame you.” His thumb wipes away the last of your tears. “So stop blaming yourself. Please? Even if just for me? … Promise me?”

You lean into his hand and you smile in spite of yourself. “Aren’t I the one that started this? How is it that you’re comforting me?”

Tenna smiles. If you only knew— where he came from, he was often the one that had to be pulled out of a sour mood. It was better to be on the other side. “Guess I can’t help it. I don’t like seeing you so sad.”

You sigh. “I just… wish things weren’t so difficult, you know?”

“Same here.”

“But I don’t want things to end!”

“Neither do I!”

You lightly chuckle. “Well, guess that’s one thing we have in common then.” You put your hand over his. “We both don’t know what to do.”

He smiles weakly. “I just wish I could be with you wherever you went. That’s all I really want. Then everything will sort of… fall into place, you know? Do you…?” He was about to ask if you wanted the same, but with everything you said, of course you did. How could he be so self-pitying to ever doubt it again?

But you read his mind as he slightly turns his face away and blushes, and you don’t take it wrong at all. You’ll reassure him as many times as you need to. “Of course, I do.”

The silence is there again, but it’s soft and warm. You had let go of him and he had let go of you after a little while, but you both sit there in each other’s presence, comfortable, finally able to breathe again.

And you do some more thinking— what was really stopping you both from going out? In the evening, that is. Really what? The idea excites you and you bring it up to him. “It wouldn’t be that hard! So what if people see you? They’ll just think you’re in costume! We can go out before you turn back into a T.V. and—!”

Tenna chuckled. “It’s a real good thought, darling, but I’d be the albatross around your neck because every time, aside from constantly avoiding gawkers and rubbernecks, you ‘n me would have to race against the clock before I turn into a pumpkin. A heavy pumpkin, mind you! And you’d have to find a way to lug me back home! And heaven forbid someone actually sees that happen to me. How would you explain that?” He wryly smiles. “I can’t do that to you.”

He balances an elbow on his knee and rests his head in his hand, and he sighs. “If I was kind of a Lightner, or you were kind of a Darkner, things wouldn’t be so hard.” He perks up.” Or, at the very least! If I could take you to my world, it wouldn’t be unusual for us to be together. And I could be there for you all the time!” He brings his hands to his face as his nose-flower pops out. “Ah! The places I’d show you! The things we could do! The things I could do for you with my magic on full display! There’d be no limit to the possibilities!” Then the flower wilted and he slumped into the couch. “‘Course, that’ll never happen. It just can’t…”

A thought worms its way into your head and won’t leave. A weight starts to lift off your shoulders. “Why can’t it…?” you wonder.

“Hm? What?” he asks.

“Why can’t we try it?”

“Try what?”

“Try to go to your world!”

Tenna’s expression quirks up in surprise but then eases into a small grimace as he really takes in your suggestion. “Heh. If only, sweetheart. But it’s not gonna work—”

“Oh, c’mon! Do we really know that for sure? I mean, you’re a walking, talking T.V.-guy, for goodness’ sake! Existing in a world where that’s not supposed to be a thing. So we won’t know unless we try, right?” You bring your knees under you, lightly bouncing up and down in your seat with excitement. “What do we have to do? Sing a chant? Cast a spell? Invoke Cthulhu? C’mon! Let’s just give it a try!”

He stares at you incredulously, but maybe it’s that twinkle in your eyes or the way your mouth curves into a genuine, hopeful smile that he’s been missing so much that finally wins him over. He playfully boops you on the nose.

“Oh, alright! Can’t say ‘no’ to that face now, can I?”

You clap your hands, your heart beating fast. “Awesome! So should I go grab some candles or…?”

He gets up and stretches. “Not exactly an incantation. Way less steps, if you can believe it!” He takes you by the hand. “Come with me! I’ll show you!”

And surprisingly, yeah. It’s simpler than you thought.

And it’s unbelievable how close this is.

He leads you to the kitchen. You need a sharp object. “It could really be anything sturdy with a pointed edge, but knives are choice!”

You wince. “You mean, for like… bloodletting…?” you ask hesitantly.

“Oh geez!! NO, no, no, no!!” he quickly clarifies. He wipes at the digital sweat on his screen. “Way easier! You’ll need an object to stab into the ground.” He laughs at your baffled expression. “That’s just the way it goes! It’ll be the entry point to the Dark World.”

Very weird, but you’re overall relieved and quickly search for a suitable object. You choose the carving knife stuffed in the back of a drawer, flicking off the bits of pumpkin guts still stuck to it. Tenna’s surprised you didn’t go with a smaller option.

You shrug. “Go big or go home!”

“Just be careful where you swing that thing, ha ha!” he chuckles nervously.

With that aside, the second thing’s in order: darkness.

“We gotta get things dark. Like, really dark! Hence the name!” he notes. That means closing all the blinds and switching off all the lights. You even cover the peephole on the front door with duct tape. There’re still shreds of moonlight slipping through the windows, though, so you and Tenna pull some blankets out of storage and lay them over the mounting brackets, and soon the whole place smells like yesteryear’s fabric softener.

And the room goes completely and truly dark.

Of course, to see what you’re even doing, Tenna keeps his face on until it’s time.

And now comes the last step: Determination.

Supposedly, it’s only something you can muster up, which confuses you. You’ve heard of ‘determination’ in the context of school mottos and corporate slop slogans. And, yeah, you’ve been ‘determined’ to finish work or do house chores, but… to have determination. What are you supposed to feel? How are you supposed to use it?

Unfortunately, Tenna can’t explain it when you ask.

“I’ve heard it said that it’s ‘concentrating all your will’ into a singular point, or some such,” he states. “I don’t know what it feels like since, y’know, I can’t do it. But I’d imagine it’s a pretty strong feeling. Maybe a whole lot of feelings wrapped into one! Just, uh… focus on what you really want and firmly believe that you can get it! I suppose. And if that’s seeing my world, then that’s what you hold onto, then drive that sucker into the ground!”

You tap on the knife in thought. “Well… okay. Let’s do it! Just don’t stand too close. I don’t wanna stab this thing through your foot by accident.”

“You mean you might do it on purpose?”

You eye him. His thin smile bunches up into a smirk.

“Tenna! You know what I mean!” you snort.

“I know, I know!” he laughs, but he does as you tell him, shuffling back a few paces.

You briefly wonder if his remark was simply a light comment given the recent discourse, or something to ease the tension in what could potentially be a reality-altering event. Despite the joke, you know that he’s really hoping this will happen.

And you really want this, too.

“We’re gonna have a lotta new friends around here, that’s for sure!” he eagerly comments. Then, more quietly, adds, “Just… don’t be frightened when things… happen. It’s a bit of a shock at first. Just like a fountain, the entryway will spring up out of the ground as soon as you make contact. But I’ll be here right beside you! Don’t forget that.”

With that final reminder, his face winks off.

You think about everything as you kneel down and feel the fibers of your carpet. Your heart pounds. Your hands tremble.

You’re excited, yes. But more than that, you’re overjoyed at the thought of being closer to Tenna.

This’ll finally bridge that gap, won’t it? That space you both have worked so hard to cross? You both will really make it… won’t you?

But… you also tremble with fear.

Because what if this doesn’t work? Does that mean it’s over? Does it?

…No.

It wouldn’t be ‘over’. Because you don’t just want the world. You want him. And he wants you.

That’s all you want. To fall deeper into understanding each other.

The prospect of such a thing, a thing that many people can only dream of, that you are so lucky to have, moves you to bring the knife over your head.

The air seems to still. For a second. For two.

Then in one swift motion, your muscles fire, your breath escapes as a sharp growl, and your determination launches the knife into the earth.

And…

…

… And it makes a slit in the carpet.

Silence again.

Then you get up and rest the knife on one of the entertainment center’s shelves. You hear Tenna sigh. From the way he sounds, you’re sure his antennas are drooping and he’s shrunk down at least a couple inches. “See? I told you. We just can’t—”

“I see the Dark World,” you say.

“What?!” His face pops back in, the light beam swinging about as his neck swivels. “… Whaddya mean? I don’t see—”

“No, no. You won’t see it that way.” You raise your hand to cup the corner of his head and turn his face toward yours. “Turn off the light,” you beckon.

His screen briefly tints pink. Then he does as you ask.

“Now…” You hook your arm into his. “… Let’s see the sights.”

And you lead him to walk alongside you. For a while, you walk around in a circle, then you say, “My! You weren’t kidding about the glass on some of these buildings. Just breathtaking!” You give his arm a light squeeze. “Don’t you think?”

He doesn’t say anything at first. Frankly, he’s very confused. And for a second, he thinks you may be poking fun. But from the warmth in your words and from the tender way you’re holding him, he finally sees what you’re doing. He laughs and brings you closer to him. “Why, breathtaking doesn’t even begin to describe it! That color! That sheen! They really outdid themselves with the polish. Almost like they knew we were coming! Oh, oh! Look over there!”

He half-turns with you. “You catch the metro train? I think I just saw the conductor waving at us! And over there! Have you ever seen such sparkling lights? What a wonder!”

You giggle as he does several more spins and names out several other things he sees.

“Ah! But that’s just the outside, my dear! Wait until you see the inside! I got us reservations to the swankiest spot in town! Sashay with me, my dear! Sashay with me to the food of your dreams— whoops!”

His leg hits the coffee table. He chuckles. “Looks like we sashayed a little too harsh-ayed! We’re already here! Oh!” He takes hold of your waist and gently hoists you over the table. “Watch your step now! Don’t want you to repeat my mistake! There we are!”

You settle yourself on the carpet on the other side and wait patiently.

Tenna calls out to someone you don’t recognize the name of, but if you had to guess, it’s probably one of his friends he had back at home.

“Mike! Your most esteemed guests of honor are here and raring to go for something tasty!”

In a gruff falsetto, he says, “Food’s comin’ out lickety-split, Tenna, sir!”

“Excellent! And grab yourself a glass of water while you’re at it!”

He shrinks down a bit and seats himself across from you, steepling his hands. “Enjoying yourself, darling?”

You giggle. “Very.”

“Well, believe it or not, you’re about to enjoy it more because here’s the food! I’ll grab that from you! Thank you, my faithful comrade!” he says to the air beside him. He makes clinking noises with his mouth as he ‘sets’ the plates on the table. “Bon… appétit!” he says, ‘removing’ the lids off your food. You imagine your favorite dish and marvel at it.

“Wow! This can’t all be for us, can it?” you ask.

“But it can! And it is! Only the best for you, sweetheart!”

You happily scoop up bite after bite, miming those movements with precision and poise as Tenna tells more stories about the various sites and sceneries that make up his home. You don’t interrupt. You just listen.

It’s nice to listen for a change.

Then he gets quiet after a spell, and you casually look in his direction. You can’t see it in the dark, but you can feel it— him staring at you as you ‘eat’. It doesn’t feel like before, though. You welcome it this time. “What?” you ask with a shy smile.

He stiffens and chuckles sheepishly. “You can tell I was, uh…?” He clears his throat. “Silly, aren’t I? Trying to see your face in the dark like this. But I can imagine it. I’ve seen it many times at the dining table. I… I know it’s rude. Sorry for doing it so much. It’s just… it’s one of the only times I get to really see you. I’m ‘awake’ the last half of the day, but then you have to go to sleep not long afterwards. N-Not that I expect you to stay up for me! I just, uh…” He makes circles on the table. “Ignore me. I wasn’t thinking again.”

You continue to look at Tenna. You can see him in your mind’s eye with his head cradled between his hands as he looks at you with a dreamy kind of smile. So many times he’s done that, and he never once got tired of it.

You really are lucky, aren’t you?

You set down your ‘fork’. You push back the ‘plate’. Then you suddenly yell out, “Tenna! Oh my gosh!”

The table jostles as Tenna shoots up. “What! What? What happened?!”

“You didn’t tell me the band was playing tonight!” You’re pointing toward the entertainment center, you’re pretty sure, but all you ‘see’ is the band going on stage to play a tune. “C’mon!” you say, rising from your seat and walking up to the ‘front’. “Let’s dance!”

He laughs. “But what about the ‘food’?”

“Oh, we’ll take it to go, but we simply must dance.” You find his hands and lead him up with you and start to break it down. Of course, without music, you feel a bit off rhythm, but who really cares? It feels good to move after everything happening tonight, even if you do look kind of silly.

Tenna laughs again good-naturedly. “I can hear you busting out all sorts of moves! How about we pair it with a bit of actual music?” His face brightens a little, and you hear music playing from his head. It’s a jaunty, jazzy tune filled with instruments you’re not familiar with, but it puts your spirit in a swinging mood. He takes your hands this time. “Let me lead this one, huh?”

You nod once, too overwhelmed to give an answer, before being swept into a fast-paced whirlwind of small hops and spins, twirling behind him, twirling in front of him, and he has you do the same for him! But despite you knowing none of the moves, he never loses you, never hurts you. You’re just left breathless by the end.

You’re panting and laughing with him with the energy you have left. You aim to ask him the name of that dance, winded as you are, but you can’t find your words. You’re looking up at him, his face in full view, bright yet soft as the light reflecting off the moon. He’s still holding your hand. He brings it up. Brings it close. He shrinks down a little more to easily rest his other hand on the small of your back.

You rest your free hand on his arm.

And you and him take small sidesteps across the carpet, together.

You know it’s just pretend. You know it is.

But you swear…. you swear you see it.

Your living room is no longer a restaurant. It’s a ballroom, and the crowd around you is looking on in awe as the two of you glide across the floor. You open your hand. His hand opens with you. You feel his fingers line up against yours, all five closing the gap between skin and fabric.

And you think…

You both aren’t so different after all.

Your fingers intersect, then interlace.

And you just hold it like that for a time.

Then you move in closer. He’s blushing. And you’re so sure you’re blushing, too.

He moves a hand to your face. He traces out your brows, wanders down your nose. You lean into his touch.

Then you tip your head up and simply close your eyes.

And it takes but a single moment.

His hand rests under your chin. White light floods your vision, colored in by your closed eyelids, and you feel his lips press against yours, like the petals of a glass flower. Static stands your fine hair on end.

It’s not a ballroom anymore.

It’s simply you and him.

Him and you.

And you’re like that for who knows how long, in each other’s arms, safe, sound, and secure.

Why did you ever let this feeling go for so long?

Never again.

“Tenna?” you say, your voice quiet to barely disrupt the nice silence.

“Hm?” he responds in the same quiet sort of way.

“I’m going to make this work.” You look up to him again, your gaze determined and sure. “I don’t care how hard it’s going to be. I don’t care that it’s never been done before. And, honestly? I don’t care what happens after.” You bury your face in his chest. “I can’t imagine my life without you, and… I don’t even want to know what a future without you would look like.” Tears prick your eyes, and you hug him tighter. “I’m so sorry I made you think otherwise.”

He places his hand on your head and gently tips your face up to meet him again. “Hey, remember what I said?” He wipes away your tears and you smile despite your quivering lips. “We’re gonna make this work. We’ll figure something out. We just gotta take this one step at a time. You know, take things as they are. After all, I’m just a T.V.-guy, standing here, asking a human-pal to love him.”

You snort. “You get that from a movie?”

He rubs his neck. “Was it that obvious? Darn. Hoping I could make it my own! Ha ha!”

“But I get what you mean. We’re going to get through this. I’m so sure.”

“I’m so sure, too.”

And you stay in each other’s embrace until the first streams of sunlight peek out from the horizon.