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Mingi and Yunho were two names that always came together. Where Yunho went, there went Mingi, and where Mingi went, Yunho was following like an energetic puppy. They were always by each other’s side, no matter what. Yunho had to go to his academy lessons? Mingi would be there even if he didn’t need the extra studying. Mingi was having lunch alone because he was too slow? Of course Yunho would be eating by his side and keeping him company.
Until one day, Mingi and Yunho became Mingi, Yunho, and whatever partner Yunho had at the time. But maybe it is too soon to talk about that.
Mingi knew from the start that there was something about Yunho that made him feel different about him. He couldn’t put a name on it, he had never felt something quite like it before so he was trying to ignore it to not make things weird; or better said to keep his mind from going places while they were together. But there was something, something strong, that he wasn’t sure he could really hide.
But he kept on hanging with him, because they were friends, best friends, it wasn’t like he could just stop meeting him, that would make everything worse. And probably, with time, he would feel normal about Yunho and everything would go perfectly fine. Of course.
He could ignore the way his heart beat faster when Yunho was playing by his side or put his head on his shoulder. He could ignore the way Yunho’s laugh sounded better than any other sound he had ever heard. He could ignore the way Yunho looked at him when he thought Mingi wasn't looking. He could ignore how Yunho smelled better than anyone and how he wanted to just put his nose against his neck to take in as much of him as he could.
He could also ignore the way they had been about to kiss once, at that party none of them had drunk a single drop of alcohol yet they were acting like the most drunk people at the place. But he didn’t want to, just as he didn’t want to ignore how Yunho had told him he had cried on the way home for some reason he never explained.
But Mingi didn’t ask, he wanted to respect Yunho, because if he wanted to tell him something, he would, right? They had that kind of friendship where they could tell each other anything, so if Yunho had something to tell him he would. That was what Mingi always told himself, what he wanted to believe.
If Yunho was hiding something, Mingi had no right to fight about it since he was also hiding things from him. What exactly? He wasn’t even sure, and maybe he was using that as an excuse to not touch that topic. Mingi was only… Being reasonable, or at least that was what he thought. He just wanted to keep things normal, and fair, and he couldn’t ask Yunho to do things he was not doing.
So Mingi just stayed as he was, by Yunho’s side. He listened, he stayed there with him, went out, and acted as he had always done.
Because. He. Had. No. Reason. To. Do. Things. Differently.
They still messaged each other every night, and no one could really tell something was happening, or at least no one was saying anything about it, so Mingi thought he had nothing to worry about. He had to just keep his feelings inside him, because not only did he know they would only bring problems, but also he wasn’t sure exactly which feelings he had.
He did write some things here and there in his personal diary, he liked to process his emotions like that. In some way, writing what he was feeling and thinking was like saying everything out loud, getting rid of that suffocating feeling of keeping everything inside; and it also helped with understanding and analyzing them. He wasn’t being that successful with that, though. But his heart felt less heavy, and that was enough for him.
However, and like anything that’s being kept hidden, there comes a time when things start to leak, tearing everything as they escape their enclosure, and for Mingi that moment was when one random night, at 3AM as he was messaging back and forth with Yunho, he told him he had been seeing someone.
Yunho:
We made out in the kitchen, he’s so fucking hot…
Was what Yunho had said, as if it didn’t hurt Mingi. Because of course, Yunho didn’t know it hurt Mingi, how could he know if Mingi had never said anything?
Mingi:
“Nice,”
was everything Mingi said, as he started to fall apart. His heart started beating faster, his hands to sweat as his whole body trembled in bed. HIs phone fell from his hands onto his chest as tears started to form at the corner of his eyes. Breathing? It became really hard. Swallowing? A knot formed inside his throat, making him feel like he was choking on nothing.
He couldn’t scream, of course, so he just sat on his bed as he looked at Yunho’s message again, and again, and again. It almost felt as if he was torturing himself, it might be, actually. But it wasn’t like he could stop, so he just looked at it until his eyes hurt and he ended up looking at the wall, phone blocked in his hands. How was he supposed to deal with things he couldn’t name? He had had a girlfriend, of course, but he wasn’t even sure he had ever really liked her, so he didn’t know what the hell what he was feeling was. Only that it hurt, everything hurt,
He heard a soft knock, it was his mom. It wasn’t usual for her to be up that late, so trying to stay calm and not letting her see his tears, he smiled at her. But she was too smart, and she saw right through him.
“I heard you scream, in my mind. I could tell you were hurting.”
That was all she needed to say before Ming fell right into her arms to make up some excuse about a book he had been reading online that had been too sad for his liking. Mingi had always been someone prone to reading, so it was no news, it was believable, even though Mingi wasn’t sure his mom had bought it. She didn’t say anything about it, though.
And that way, suddenly, the inseparable duo became a trio, and Mingi's biggest fear became a reality: things started to get weird. Because how was he supposed to act around Yunho as if nothing happened when he could feel his heart begging for help? Screaming and bleeding inside of his chest?
But if Yunho noticed, he didn’t say anything, like no one was saying anything about everything that was going on. Every single thing ending up under the imaginary rug they had somehow created because they thought it was the best option, because they thought it would keep them safe. From what? From what ended up happening anyway.
Suddenly, on a random day, Yunho announced that he had broken up with his partner.
He didn’t sound sad, not even hurt, and Mingi, for a bit, felt like he could breathe again. It was as if nothing had happened, even though Mingi knew a lot of things were yet to be said. But he stayed quiet, and helped his friend go through the breakup even though it was obvious that his partner was the most hurt one of the two.
Still, no one said anything, and life went back to normal just as spring turned into Summer, and Mingi wanted to die every time his body betrayed him while looking at Yunho under the Sun. But no one said anything, again.
And maybe they should have, maybe everything would have been better if they had. But who was the right person to do so? It was complicated, for everyone.
In the middle of summer, Yunho got a new partner. This one was different, though, it was a man, almost as tall as him, and that everyone could tell he resembled someone they knew even though they couldn’t point out who exactly that person reminded them of. They just accepted the new man into their group, being the sweet menace they always were, they made sure the new addition felt included.
And of course, Mingi’s nights went back to how they had been during Yunho’s last relationship: crying while trying to stay normal as Yunho told him everything he was planning, about his feelings for this man.
It didn’t last. The one after that didn’t last either, nor the one after that, or the next, and suddenly it was winter and a new year had just started. A whole year had almost gone by, Mingi realized one day, since Yunho had started dating people, since Mingi felt a knot on his throat for the first time ever.
And in the blink of an eye, he found himself going through the same 3AM conversation once again.
Yunho:
Actually, I’ve been meeting someone for some time. It’s nothing serious so I didn’t invite him to our Christmas party, but oh did we have our own ‘party’ last night.”
Mingi saw red. He wasn’t sure what exactly took over him that made him write that message, but before he could even realize what he had written, before he could delete it, it had been sent and Yunho had read it.
Mingi:
Why can’t you just shut the fuck up about your stupid partners? I’m tired.
Mingi felt mortified when he realized it wouldn’t make a difference if he were to delete it since Yunho had seen him, and not only that, but he was also responding already.
Yunho:
Ouch.
Wtf is going on with you?
Aren’t you my friend?
How was Mingi supposed to respond to that? ‘Yes, but I don’t think I want to be your friend anymore.’ Of course he couldn’t answer that, and if he were to be honest, he was too angry, sad and tired to even think about arguing at a time like that, so tiredness took over him completely and he just turned off his phone and fell asleep.
The next thing he was aware of, was his mom waking him up, looking and sounding very stressed as she repeated his name and told him to wake up, patting his shoulders and his legs.
“What… Am I late for class? Did uni start?” He was too sleepy to even check the time on his digital watch by his bed.
“No… No baby. Yunho is at the door asking for you, I think you should go talk to him, he says he won’t leave until you two have a talk.” The woman walked back a couple of steps as her son finally sat on the bed, processing the words.
“Ok… Ok I’ll go.” Mingi yawned before putting on his slippers and walking towards the door. What could Yunho want at that hour? Mingi could tell it was late from how dark the sky looked out of the window as he checked it while walking towards the door.
“I’ll give you privacy.” His mom, after walking half of the way behind him, finally left and went back into her room, trusting Mingi would be fine on his own. It was only Yunho, after all.
Mingi had imagined plenty of options. Yunho stressed, Yunho smiling at him, maybe even angry. But not trembling at his door, completely drenched and hugging himself in his pajamas. Why did he look like that? Had he run all the way there? No, that was… But it would explain why he looked that way, so of course Mingi went into the bathroom to get a towel before even saying hello.
However, as he was about to put the towel over Yunho’s head, the taller man held his wrist, stopping him.
“Are we friends, Mingi?” What. Why was Yunho asking that instead of letting him help? He could get sick if he didn’t dry his hair.
“Yunho, you will get a cold if you don’t let me dry your hair and change into some dry clothes.” Mingi tried to get rid of Yunho’s hold, but it felt like a clamp, long fingers surrounding his wrist, the difference between their hands becoming more noticeable to Mingi and almost distracting him from what he was trying to do.
“I don’t give a fuck, Mingi. I’d rather have a cold than not get an answer. Are we friends? You didn’t answer when I asked you.” He hadn’t answered, that was right, he had left Yunho on read. He. Oh. “You know we promised not to do that, to leave conversations like that.”
Mingi didn’t want to look into Yunho’s eyes, not when he felt like he could fall into them and drown inside, even though it didn’t feel like a bad option since they were Yunho’s eyes.
“I… To be honest, I don’t even know. Not anymore.” If dealing with his feelings had been hard, saying those words out loud felt like stabbing himself with the sharpest knife in the world, so sharp that only when it reached the end did he feel the pain of the cut.
“Ok. I’ll leave then, thank you.” Yunho lowered his head and finally let go of Mingi’s wrist. But it was Mingi who didn’t want him to leave, not anymore, so it was his turn to keep him from doing so by holding his hand. “What now? You told me already, you don’t know if we’re friends anymore so I’ll just leave you alone.”
“You…” Mingi could’ve used an excuse, he could’ve simply said he didn’t want him to leave like that, soaked. But Mingi knew that was not the answer, that it was time to finally face the truth he had been trying so hard to hide. “You don’t fucking understand, Jeong Yunho!” Mingi didn’t even realize the moment his voice raised to a point where it became a scream. Maybe that was how loud his feelings were while he tried not to listen to them. “I’m in love with you, you asshole! That’s why I don’t fucking know anything anymore!”
The whole house fell into a silence so loud no one dared to break.
Not knowing exactly what was the best thing to do after confessing that, after finally putting into words what he had been denying to himself, he let go of Yunho’s hands and finally managed to put the towel over Yunho’s head and started drying his hair carefully. He could tell Yunho was looking at him, how could he not, when Yunho was the only thing he could focus on.
Mingi didn’t realize the moment Yunho’s hands found a place to rest on his cheeks, nor when Yunho’s breath was so close to his face that he felt tickles on his lips. But he did notice the moment their lips crashed into a soft peck, a caress, a touch. But it tasted so sweet that Mingi started crying even though he wasn’t sure why.
“I’m so, so sorry, Mingi…” What?
Oh.
Yunho was probably about to reject him, wasn’t he? That was the only reason he could be apologizing for. He didn’t reciprocate his feelings but he had kissed him just to make him feel better about the rejection. Ok. He could… He would try to deal with that, yeah.
“No, no it’s.. I mean I didn’t expect you to tell me that you love me back, or anything like that… No hard feelings! Haha…” He was about to laugh again, when he felt those lips on his again, but this time for a few seconds longer. He closed his eyes, wanting the sensation to last as much as possible. “I… I don’t understand? Why are you kissing me if you’re about to reject me?”
“Because I’m not, you idiot.” Yunho’s hands were still on his cheeks, his thumbs caressing his skin with so much love Mingi felt like he was about to explode. “I’m apologizing for not saying it before…”
“I’m confused, Yunho…” Mingi sighed, all his energy leaving his body, but with his hands still on Yunho’s head. He didn’t want to let go.
“I… I was there, when you broke up with your ex and went all ‘I’m never doing this again, I’m done with love, fuck it, I won’t ever fall in love,’” Yunho, even though it was a tense situation, tried to imitate Mingi’s voice as he repeated those words Mingi remembered well. “So I just thought it would be better if I simply stayed quiet. But I see now that maybe I should have told you that I’m in love with you.”
Mingi went pale. It was really late, that must definitely be a dream because there was no way Yunho was there and telling him all that. There was simply no way.
“You’re not real, this is a dream.” Why had he said that out loud? Probably because his brain, after such a different bunch of emotions, was completely overloaded.
“I am real, Mingi… If only I had told you… I even dated other people because I wanted to stop loving you! How stupid can I be?” Yunho let out a nervous laugh, bittersweet, as he lowered his gaze towards their feet. The water was still dripping from his body, wetting the floor. Great.
“I feel… I feel so stupid right now, Yunho.” Another thought that came out of his mouth without his permission. He didn’t know what to do, but he also didn’t want to leave Yunho there, or for him to leave when it was pretty clear that there was a strong storm outside. “Why don’t… Why don’t you come inside, I lend you some clothes and we just… Just talk?”
“That actually sounds really good…” And as if his answer wasn’t enough, a full-force sneeze told both of them everything they needed to know: Yunho was probably getting sick.
“I’m sure mom will be happy to make you something warm. Let’s go.”
Yunho took his good time in the shower, minutes that gave both of them more than enough time to relax for a little bit, even though what helped Mingi the most was actually his mom’s presence as he helped her cook something fast for Yunho to get warm.
That night, none of them slept, but the next morning they felt more refreshed than ever. They talked for hours about everything and nothing at all. Feelings, ideas, secrets… Everything finally left the comfort of their minds to become something tangible, something real. And most importantly, they shared all the kisses they had been dying to give the other, desperate as they had been.
They would never keep things from each other again, not anymore.