Chapter Text
I stand there, feet frozen to the concrete, as Garrett speeds away. My heart pounds in my chest and I can’t seem to catch my breath. The world around me is collapsing and I don’t know what to focus my panic on. I haven’t had to see Delaney since the court room. Hearing his name alone shook me to my core. Watching Garrett risk his entire career for my sake… yet another person I’ve destroyed. Garrett leaving… he left. He left me.
He broke up with me.
I can’t breathe.
I force my feet to turn and find myself running back into the school. I run until I can’t hear anyone else and I can allow my sobs to break free. My nerves are bouncing through every fiber of my being, my body shivering uncontrollably. Tears begin to stream down my face and I choke on another sob, leaning into the closest wall of the locker room and slide to the floor. I wrap my arms around my knees in an attempt to hold myself together… the way Garrett used to hold my broken pieces together.
It’s not the same.
Why would he risk everything for me? I hit my head back into the locker, squeezing my eyes shut as another round of tears leak through my lashes. I’m not worth it… my sobs work their way into hysterics now, my hands shaking as I vigorously rub them up and down my legs to release the rising nerves.
“Fuck!” I sob, gasping to catch my breath.
I don’t want to ruin anyone else’s life. I’m not worth -
“Hannah?”
I snap my eyes open and, to my absolute horror, I see Logan, Dean, and Tucker all standing around me. Logan is slowly crouching down to my level, his brow furrowed in concern. “What happened?” He asks. My sobs had come to an abrupt end, tears still wet on my cheeks, and I quickly shake my head, forcing an absurd smile to my face. “Don’t do that.” Logan adds gently.
“Did someone hurt you?” Dean asks, standing behind Logan. Dean’s voice is serious, unlike anything I’ve heard from him before.
I shake my head again, staring at my hands that rest on my knees, and I clear my throat before attempting to speak. “Sorry.” My voice cracks immediately and I regret talking at all. I clear it again, “I’m okay,” the words fly out quickly, “really, I’m -”
Logan rests his hand on my own and my smile falters. My eyes drift towards his. Logan’s chocolate eyes are soft, and concern is etched deeply among his features. “Hannah, you can talk to us…” He says gently.
“If you want to.” Tucker adds quietly. I glance towards Tucker, who stands beside Dean, looking distraught and like he might cry himself.
“Wellsy…” Dean speaks again, uncrossing his arms, and holds his hand out to emphasize his question as he continues, “did someone hurt you?”
My heart pounds in my chest and everything around me slows. Logan rubs his thumb over the back of my hand and tilts his head, his hair falling over his eyes, as his brows furrow. He opens his mouth to say something else, but I blurt out “yes” with another sob before I can think to do otherwise.
I can't control the sobs that rack through me after that admission. Logan sucks in a quick gasp before leaning forward and pulling me into his arms. I wrap my arms around him and allow myself to cry into his shoulder, tears flowing endlessly onto his sweatshirt.
I suddenly feel another hand rest on my back and begin running circles. Dean.
They’re all so kind and gentle and fiercely loving… I don’t deserve this. I broke Garrett. I can’t break them too. I suddenly jump to my feet, almost knocking Logan to the ground in the process. His reflexes are faster than me and he’s up before I can take a step.
“Hannah,” he starts, his hands up in surrender, an attempt to not frighten me.
“No,” I shout, “I can’t get you hurt too!” Tucker and Dean steal a glance at each other, clearly confused by my statement. “Nevermind,” I choke out a laugh, “this is ridiculous.” I go to turn, but Dean steps in front of me. Although he blocks my exit, the concern in his eyes emphasizes his loving intention.
“Hannah, let us help you.” He says. “Whatever it is, we want to help you.”
“Yeah, we’re here for you.” Tucker adds behind me. They stand around me as if trying to catch a stray cat. No one making any sudden movements in fear of scaring the wounded animal.
“Do you trust us?” I don’t know if Dean knew those were the words I’d need to hear, but it was the same thing Garrett had asked me in Malone’s all those weeks ago. My breath catches. Maybe… maybe they can help. But, Delaney is still Delaney. And Garrett still beat the hell out of him. And his career is on the line. And Garrett left me…
“I ruin everything.” I sob. Dean’s brows knit together. I throw my hands in the air in exasperation. “All of this is my fault.” I gasp, trying to control my breathing, fresh tears beginning to form. Dean slowly shakes his head. “It is!” I argue, although he hasn’t actually said anything. “It’s my fault he got into that fight, it’s my fault he broke -”
“How is that your fault?” Tucker asks, genuinely concerned how that could be true.
“Tuck.” Logan says his name as a warning, urging him to be quiet so that I can continue saying my piece.
“Because that was Delaney!” I say, gesturing weakly with my hands, as if they’re supposed to know what that means. Dean and Logan make eye contact before staring back at me. “And Delaney…”
They remain quiet.
“Delaney…” I try again, the tears silently continuing their endless stream down my face. “He…” I look between Logan and Dean and realize I can’t say the words while looking at them. I shut my eyes and whisper the reality aloud. “Delaney raped me.” My breath shudders and I wrap my arms around myself but, before I can say another word, I feel strong arms envelop me in a firm embrace. I know it’s Logan without even opening my eyes. He smells like motor oil and his long damp hair sticks to my cheek. I press my face deeper into his chest while wrapping my arms back around him.
“I’ll kill him.” Dean’s stern voice snaps me out of it and I push away from Logan in a panic.
“No!” I squeak. “Please, don’t.” I gasp, desperate for him to understand, and reach out and pull on his jacket to keep him rooted here.
“Wellsy, we’ve got this,” Tucker says matter-of-factly, still seeming more scared and unsure than the others, and yet equally committed to helping.
“No.” I say firmly. “I can’t handle anyone else ruining their future because of me.”
“What are you talking about?” Logan asks, his arm still gently around me.
“This is what happens…” Dean rests his hand on my shoulder and Logan pulls me back into his warm gathering. “When I tell people, everything gets all fucked up.” My words are muffled in Logan’s thick sweatshirt. “Garrett -” my voice cracks and I can’t bring myself to finish my sentence.
“That’s why he beat the shit out of him.” Tucker exhales, the realization breaking through his distraught demeanor. He finally understands Garrett’s actions, his friend’s behavior wasn’t random at all. They understand now.
“Oh shit.” Logan whispers.
“He’s suspended for four games.” Garrett had texted me immediately after his coach’s decision. The guilt pulls deep in my soul and I lean heavily onto Logan. He doesn’t budge.
“Fuck the games.” Logan huffs, exasperated. “I’ve got you.” His tone softens in my hair.
And I know he does.
“We all do Wellsy.” Dean adds, rubbing my back again.
“It’s my fault.” I whisper. Logan squeezes his arms tighter around me and I can feel his strength grounding me. My heart beat takes a slower pace, the weight in my chest easing ever so slightly.
“None of this is your fault.” He says firmly.
“Hannah, Delaney is the ass hole here.” Tucker adds, his voice the usual lightness it brings. “It’s not your fault.” He agrees.
“I’m sorry.” I mumble weakly, my tears having run dry and exhaustion settling heavily in my bones. “I’m so s-”
“No.” Logan pulls me back to look me square in the eyes. Our faces are inches apart, the typical warmth in his eyes having returned. “Don’t you apologize.” My breath comes out in ragged shudders and I grip my fingers tightly into his jacket. “What happened with Delaney isn’t your fault.” He doesn’t even know exactly what had happened that night, but he still says this with absolute resolution. “What happened tonight isn’t your fault either.”
“If we had known, we all would have done exactly what Garrett did.” Dean says.
“But -”
I can’t even finish my rebuttal before Tucker chimes in, “when someone you love gets hurt Wellsy, you have to defend them. You just -” he shakes his head, his curls bouncing lightly, “-you just have to.”
My lips part and I take a gentle breath in as the realization dawns around me. They love me too.
“He did the only thing he could’ve right then. I would have done it too, same with Dean, same with Tuck.” Logan breathes softly. I chuckle lightly and tighten my arms around Logan, squeezing my eyes shut in the process. He immediately reciprocates. “We’ve got you.” He repeats.
And, surprisingly enough, I find myself actually believing him. All roads have led me here. To this town, in this college, stumbling across Garrett Graham in that damn philosophy class, and into this small yet perfect family. I’ve done so much healing and processing with Carrol and my mom and myself and, yet, nothing has helped quite as much as this moment here.
I realize my grip is still vice-like around Logan and I slowly release my embrace. Logan automatically follows suit. I sniffle as our eyes drift towards one another again. I’m an ugly crier, I know this about myself, so I can only imagine what a mess I look like right now. And yet, Logan’s eyes simply stare evenly into my own. No judgement, no shame, just compassion and kindness. Just Logan.
He then gently places his hands on either side of my face and quietly wipes the tears away. I sniffle again while softly chuckling. He chuckles back, as Logan tends to do, and his familiar smile brings me back all the way. “Thanks.” I whisper. He drops his hands and gives a simple shrug, his smile still etched on his face.
“Any time.”
“All of you.” I add, looking at Dean and then Tucker, standing directly at our sides. They both smile as well, their dimples displaying brightly in their warmth.
I cross my arms, suddenly feeling embarrassed, and begin rubbing my arms to generate heat. I hadn’t realized how cold the locker room was until now. Then, with no words being spoken, Dean slides off his letterman jacket and puts it around my shoulders. The weight is comforting. “Thanks.” I chuckle once again and he nods with his typical smile.
A moment of silence passes before I clear my throat. They don’t seem to want to end the moment until I’m ready. I’m not ready. I don’t want them to leave. “So…” I don’t really know where to take that sentence.
“Do you want us to take you home?” Logan asks.
I would be grateful for his offer if I wasn’t terrified of being alone right now. I’m not quite ready to tell another person what happened to me and, if I go home, I know I’m going to have that conversation with Allie. I want to tell her. Just not tonight. What I really want… who I really want right now is Garrett. Against my will, fresh tears swell at the thought.
“Hannah?” Concern returns to Logan’s voice and he gently takes my shoulders in his hands, squeezing comfortingly. “What is it?”
“I’m just-” I shake my head, fighting the urge to break back down in sobs. My instinct is to say ‘nothing’ and try to collect myself as quickly as possible. But, I’ve already been as honest and painfully open as I can be. Why stop now? “I really just don’t want to be alone right now.” The words flow in short gasps and I can hear the pathetic whine in my voice as I say it. But, before I can regret getting it out, I realize they’ve all begun smiling again. My brow furrows in confusion.
“Wellsy,” the teasing tone evident in Logan’s chuckle, “I meant our home.”
Our home.
I’m dumbstruck. I can’t make out any words, so I just smile in return.
“If that’s what you want?” Tucker adds quickly.
I nod my head briskly with another soft laugh, the movement bouncing my tears across the damn of my eyelashes and back down my cheeks. “Yeah.” I say. “Yeah, I’d like that.”
“You thought we were going to just drop you off at your dorm after this?” Dean teases, incredulously. “You’re smarter than that Wellsy.” And now we’re all laughing.
I wipe the back of my hand, engulfed in Dean’s jacket, across my face to clear the tears. “Okay, yeah I guess not.” I retort, still smiling.
“Come on.” Logan takes my arm to lead me out of the locker room, but I plant my feet.
“I can’t.” I realize.
They all stare at me, confused at the change in mind.
“Garrett will be there… and he doesn’t want to see me.” I confess.
“That’s crazy,” Tucker chirps, “of course he will.”
“No…” I whisper. They don’t know. “We broke up.” Their mouths drop open in shock. “I mean, he broke up with me.” I correct myself. Fresh tears begin to well once more. The flips in mood are wearing on me and I can feel my energy drain out like an open tub.
“What?” Dean asks sharply. “You’re shitting me.”
“He’s doing it to protect me.” I quickly explain, although I know I don’t need protection from him. “He’s just scared.”
“Hannah,” Logan says softly, “is something else going on with him?” Our eyes lock and my lip trembles at the memory of Garrett crying in my arms on Thanksgiving. He’s been through so much. “Is he okay?”
It’s not my place to tell Logan or the others about Phil. But, at the very least, I can answer that last part. I shake my head while stifling another sob.
“He needs you.” Logan decides, taking my arm and guiding me along with them out of the locker room. And I let him. Because I need Garrett too.