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“Are you sure you want another?” the words slipped out of Andy’s mouth before she could stop herself. Emily looked at her in disbelief as a genuine expression of hurt flashed across her face.
“I am quite capable of making my own decisions, thank you.” she said defensively.
Andy was horrified by her own comment. She didn’t mean to hurt Emily, she was simply concerned for her friend. She apologized then politely smiled at the waiter as she declined another drink for herself. Emily wasn’t visibly drunk but her ex-colleague noticed that she was starting to become more and more unraveled by the minute.
They have been hanging out more or less every week ever since Emily asked her to lunch 6 months ago. The conversation always flowed easily and Andy liked having Emily around her again. She felt guilty for not returning her phone call 20 years ago and often wondered how different their lives could have been if they had stayed in touch after she left Runway. She had always admired Emily, how effortlessly funny she was, how easily she handled every impossible task Miranda had given her. Of course, she didn’t think Emily would want to be friends with her. She had never shown any interest in Andy’s life and after what she did to her with Paris, Andy never thought Emily would even want to speak to her again. Then, when Emily finally told her the truth, it rocked Andy’s world. She started looking at her differently. Started to notice the cracks that would shine through her hard exterior. Emily was a strong woman. She would never intentionally let anyone see her vulnerable side, but the more time they had been spending together, the more Andy could begin to see the real Emily shining through. She was fascinated by her. Although Andy was famous for her rambling, when she was with Emily, she often turned out to be the quiet one. Emily was an excellent storyteller, making every little thing sound interesting and Andy was always hanging on to her every word. Despite all of this, it took an embarrassing amount of time for Andy to realize that she was in love with Emily. There had been signs of course, ever since she saw her at Dior a year ago. Nigel had caught her staring at her ex-coworker multiple times at parties and on their work trip in Milan but never explicitly said anything about it to Andy. He knew of course, everyone who saw how Andy’s eyes lit up when she was talking about Emily did.
Out of all their nights spent together, this was different. It was the first time they drank together and the alcohol mixed with the sudden feeling of familiarity Emily felt with Andrea was doing something to her that made her depressingly honest. She was going on about her ex husband, Frank, who was utterly useless when it came to parenting; how she felt she was a horrible mother and how lost she was trying to navigate work and motherhood and everything in between. How all her relationships had failed because she believed that she would never be known and loved. Andy was horrified listening to her friend sound so not like the Emily she was used to. She knew Emily was struggling but she hadn’t suspected just how grave it was. Although part of her was glad that she finally learned about the extent of Emily’s struggles and could offer a helping hand to the woman she loved.
“You know, I’m always here to help you.”
“That’s nice of you, Andrea but I believe I have problems so deep inside me that no external force will solve.” said Emily cynically.
“Em, I’ll take care of you.” insisted Andy.
Emily shook her head while staring ahead.
“It’s rotten work.” she said quietly.
Andy placed one of her hands on top of Emily’s which forced her to look up into Andy’s eyes. Emily expected her to smile but her expression was serious.
“Not to me. Not if it’s you.” said Andy.
Tears started to fill up Emily’s eyes. The sincerity in Andy’s tone suddenly made it hard to breathe and she had to look away. Because this was a declaration of love. And no one has ever truly loved her before.
Andy gently took both of her hands and started caressing them. They shared a moment of silence but it wasn’t the awkward kind, the one that needs to be filled. Emily, despite desperately fighting against it, felt the tears streaming down her face. Andy let go of Emily’s hands, which prompted Emily to look at her. Andy saw her piercingly blue glistening eyes and thought this might be the most beautiful Emily has ever looked. Not because of her sadness, but because something has finally broken inside of her, and she let Andy see a part of herself that she had never allowed anyone else to. Andy raised her hand to Emily’s face to wipe her tears away. When her thumb met her cheek, Emily shivered under the touch, the unfamiliarity of this closeness was making her uneasy. But she didn’t look away. She kept staring into Andy’s loving eyes, as the brunette carefully wiped all her tears away.
Emily almost jumped when the waiter arrived with her drink and slammed it on the table with a loud thud. She quickly pulled away from Andy, embarrassed by the fact that a stranger could see her in this vulnerable state.
“Jesus. How hard is it to put a bloody drink down normally?” she shouted after the waiter. Then she turned to Andy and in a much softer tone said: “Andy, can we go? I don’t want this anymore.” she pointed at her drink.
“Sure, I’ll get the bill, you just wait here.” said Andy reassuringly.
They left the bar in a hurry and Andy quickly hailed a cab. The car ride to Andy’s place was silent, both of them were painfully aware of the driver sitting in front of them and knew they couldn’t continue this conversation with anyone else present.
As soon as the apartment door shut behind them, Andy pulled Emily into a close embrace. Emily resisted at first, but after a few seconds, she completely melted into Andy and let herself be held. Andy caressed her back and rocked her gently. After what probably lasted more than 10 minutes but felt like only a few seconds to Emily, Andy placed a small kiss on her head then pulled away just a little so she could look into Emily’s eyes. She held onto Emily with one hand on her arm and the other cupping her face.
“I love you.” said Andy with such ease it made Emily’s insides quiver.
“Please don’t say that.” said Emily, trembling.
“Why?” asked Andy, surprised.
“Because you don’t mean it… at least not in the way I want you to mean it.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Emily couldn’t bring herself to answer, so she freed herself from Andy’s grasp, walked into the living room and sat down on the couch. She buried her face in her hands. Andy followed her almost instantly and sat down next to her, careful not to touch her because she could feel her closing off again.
“Emily, what’s wrong? Talk to me, please.”
“I..can’t.” was all Emily could utter.
Andy started thinking about what Emily had said to her. What could she have meant that she didn’t love her the way Emily wanted her to? She was in love with Emily Charlton, that she was sure of. Could that be the type of love Emily was after? She found that hard to believe.
Andy stayed silent for so long that Emily started to panic. She suddenly got up and headed towards the door. Andy quickly grabbed her wrist and pulled her back onto the couch.
“Emily, wait! Don’t go, please. Em, I love you. I am in love with you. I don’t know if that’s the kind of love you want, but it is how I feel.” Emily gasped at her. “Ever since I first saw you again at Dior, all I could think about was you. I felt jealous every time I saw you with Benji. But I thought, for sure, you don’t feel the same way. But what you said just now… do you feel the same way? Or were you afraid I did and you just wanted to be friends? Please tell me, Em, but know that whatever it is, I will always be here for you, I will love you either way.”
For the first time in forever, Emily was speechless. She tried to speak but only strange sounds came out of her mouth. Andy waited patiently. When Emily could finally form a sentence she whispered: “Andy, I’m really hard to love.”
“Loving you is as easy as breathing.” said Andy without any hesitation.
When Emily heard her say those words, she quickly leaned forward and placed her lips on Andy’s. Andy kissed her back immediately, while a wave of relief washed over her. Emily felt braver than ever before when she realized Andy returned her kiss. She grabbed Andy’s waist and pulled her closer to herself. Andy held Emily’s head carefully, her fingers tangled in her hair. The kiss was gentle and slow, they were really savoring every second of it. All those years of yearning, the sleepless nights they had spent thinking about each other without the other knowing. It was all in that kiss.
A smile slowly crept up on Emily’s face which Andy immediately noticed. She pulled away and smiled back at Emily who was turning all kinds of shades of red when she felt Andy’s gaze on her.
“Em, you’re blushing.” said Andy, laughing.
“Oh, shut up.” said Emily. She rolled her eyes, but her tone was soft, almost laughing.
“I-I love you, Andy.” she said, stuttering a little.
Andy couldn’t stop smiling.
“I love you, Em.”