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City lights. Crisp and clear in the winter night. Neon blues and greens with flashes of pink flittered through the backseat windows. Hifumi couldn’t stop staring at Doppo, a little thing squished into his corner in the back of the taxi. The lights caught his frantic eyes, slid over his pale hands. He held his briefcase tightly to his chest as if it were some kind of armor.
Purple lights flashed, and their eyes met.
“Where are we going?” Doppo asked. His voice was distant, his eye bags deeper than usual.
Hifumi’s heart dropped as he noticed this, but he covered it with a smile. “Somewhere special,” he said, shooting his friend a wink. “I’ve wanted to bring you here for a while now.”
“But it’s so far…”
He hummed in agreement. “But don’t worry. We’re almost there,” he said, resting a hand on Doppo’s shoulder. “Plus, it’ll be fun!”
Doppo only sighed, a weary half smile spreading across his face. He turned his attention back to the window a moment later, watching the buildings pass by with a little less tension in his body.
Hifumi let his hand stay there, rubbing small circles into Doppo’s shoulder as he smiled softly. Doppo’s eyes were drooping, encircled by deep eye bags like double black eyes. Guilt flickered through Hifumi. Was he selfish for asking Doppo out today? No, he couldn’t have been, as Doppo had always loved their nights out before. But he was selfish for thinking he could confess to Doppo on the same night.
His hand crawled further up Doppo’s shoulder until his fingers tickled the hair at the nape of his neck. What was he thinking? A confession? He did dozens of those for his job, the empty words tumbling so effortlessly from his lips. But now, as he thought about it, his throat was sealed with a sticky honey and his tongue tied into knots. Why was it so much harder when it actually counted? He figured it would have been the opposite since they knew each other so well…
Red lights glowed over them before fading into pink. Hifumi sighed quietly and let himself fully play with Doppo’s hair. It calmed his nerves. Maybe it was calming to Doppo too, since he didn’t seem to mind. Or maybe he was too tired to notice Hifumi twirling his hair around his finger. Dread seeped into Hifumi at the thought. What if his shoddy confession caused a tired Doppo even more stress?
Okay, you know what, he thought, squeezing his eyes shut. Let’s just try to enjoy the moment tonight instead.
“Ta-da!” Hifumi gestured joyously to the ice skating rink, framing it between his outstretched hands.
Dozens of people circled the rink, their skates scratching and tapping against the white ice. Families, friends, couples, all of them all together. Hifumi had a sinking thought that they would just be two friends on the ice. But he still kept his smile shining bright.
Doppo seemed to shrink two sizes, still holding his briefcase to his chest tightly. He didn’t say anything and only eyed the skate rental area, where several more people were mingling.
Hifumi quickly slid into his line of sight, smile straining. “Don’t worry, Doppochin! They don’t bite!” he said, internally hating how the nervousness leaked into his voice. “Plus, I can pay for both our skates.”
“But we don’t even know how to ice skate,” Doppo mumbled in response.
Hifumi glowed, his confidence immediately returning as he had a solid answer for once. “I’ve been practicing rollerblading at work, and the ladies absolutely love it!” He wrapped an arm around Doppo’s shoulders, squeezing him gently. “So I can teach you! What do you say, Doppochin?”
Doppo gave a shaky smile. “Sure…”
Hifumi winked at him, silently wondering if rollerblading would even translate to ice skating.
After renting and donning their ice skates, the pair claimed a little section of the rink by the railing. Doppo scootched forward on wobbly legs, his right hand trailing the rail. His left hand was clamped tightly around Hifumi's forearm.
“You’re doing amazing,” Hifumi said. “I knew you’d be good at this!”
Doppo glanced over at him with an airy, embarrassed laugh. “It's only because you're helping me so much.” His cheeks were pink.
Hifumi's breath caught at the sight. He's so cute, blasted through his mind, engulfing any other thoughts.
Noticing Hifumi's intense stare, Doppo let go of him and held his arm to his chest as if it were wounded. “Sorry,” he said, looking down. His eyes were dim with disappointment.
Without thinking, Hifumi took Doppo’s hand. “Never apologize,” he said, squeezing his hand lightly. “I will always support you—through anything.”
Doppo’s whole face lit up, his eyes bouncing wildly between their hands and Hifumi’s face.
Hifumi took in Doppo’s expression fully: his tentative smile, his deepening blush, his wide eyes. His heart fluttered. This was his chance. His lips parted. The words died on his tongue. Past Doppo’s exhaustion, past the weight of his burdens, there was a glimmer of hope, a wish that this moment would last forever. He couldn’t ruin that, now could he? So he swallowed his words, forcing the bubbling emotions down once more, and locked them behind a clenched jaw. He put on his brightest smile for Doppo.
“So,” Hifumi said, “do you want to prove yourself wrong and try skating on your own?”
Horror flashed across Doppo’s face. He glanced at the rail and back at Hifumi. “On my own?” he echoed.
“Don’t worry! If you fall, I’ll catch you,” Hifumi said, nodding.
With a hesitant nod, Doppo slowly lifted his hand from the rail. He straightened: back arching, chest puffing out, legs poising with a dancer’s grace. He pushed off and glided across the ice. But shortly, his legs began to buckle once more. His momentum slowed, and just as Hifumi rushed forward, Doppo’s feet slipped from under him.
Hifumi’s arms wrapped tightly around him, and Doppo’s back landed securely against Hifumi’s chest. They were the only pair on the ice, the sound of their skates echoing around the darkened rink. A single beam of golden light illuminated their figures as they glided slowly, in sync. Hifumi was too scared to breathe, lest he catch the scent of Doppo’s neck. He didn’t know what he would do if he did, as just holding Doppo’s waist was almost too much for him. It was foreign but familiar. Sure, they had hugged before, but this was close in a way he had never imagined. He could feel Doppo’s body shivering under his hands, Doppo’s heart beating into his chest, and his light breaths—
“Have you thought of this before?” Doppo suddenly said, his voice barely above a whisper.
“Thought of what?” Hifumi stuttered out.
“Holding me like this.” There was a boldness to his voice now.
Hifumi panicked. His hands shifted to Doppo's shoulders instead, pushing him off his chest. They continued their awkward glide across the ice, now looking like an incomplete conga line. Other skaters zipped past. Children laughed. Mothers called out worriedly after them. Couples giggled quietly to each other, whispering secrets.
He awkwardly patted Doppo's shoulders, laughing. “No, no!” he said. “Never!” His voice was loud, loud enough for almost everyone else to hear, loud enough to drown out his own thoughts.
“Never?” Doppo repeated quietly.
“Well, yes! You're my closest friend!” His next words faltered, his mouth opening and closing. He was never good at lying.
Doppo went rigid. He inverted his feet, stopping them in place. “I need to go. Now,” he said in an even tone.
Hifumi could only stare at the back of Doppo's head.
The image was burned into Hifumi’s eyes. Doppo's red hair against the stretch of white ice, blurred shapes of friends and happy couples flitting around him. When he closed his eyes, Doppo’s hair shifted to bright blue, and guilt wrapped him in a chokehold. Upon opening them, the grey ceiling of his darkened bedroom greeted him. Yet the nagging guilt remained, coiling tighter, stealing his breath.
He couldn’t sleep.
Never before had he been more glad that he and Doppo had separate rooms. In the past, he had wondered why they decided on that arrangement when they would fall asleep comfortably on the sofa together. How different would sharing a bed have been? But now he knew why. Now everything felt so different, so broken.
On the ride home, Doppo hadn’t spoken to him. He had shrunk away from Hifumi’s touch. As soon as they got back to their apartment, he locked himself away in his room.
Hifumi rubbed his eyes, hands sliding up his forehead before his fingers tangled in his hair. One stupid mistake had ruined everything—his stupid mistake. If only he had said something different. Why didn’t he think about anything? He just had to rush in again and—
A loud thump broke Hifumi from his rumination. He shot up in bed. It sounded nearby. Instinctively, he went to check on Doppo. Doppo's room was just across the hall, the door completely shut. Hifumi knocked hesitantly on the door.
“Doppochin?” he called quietly.
There was no answer, only an ominous creaking.
His breathing quickened as he threw open the door. Nothing could have prepared him for the sight within. A wooden chair lay on its side amongst crumpled papers scattered across the floor. Above them, Doppo’s feet kicked weakly. His hands fidgeted weakly with something dark around his neck. The ceiling fan creaked with his weight.
Hifumi opened his mouth to scream, but no sound came out. His vision blacked out as if his whole body rejected perceiving it. In the darkness he rushed forwards, bare feet slipping on stray papers. His movements were frantic, hoisting, pulling, grabbing at anything. The fan squeaked loudly. Two bodies thudded on the ground. Deep, rattling coughs cut through the air.
Was it relief? Anger? Guilt. Everything was muddled together, all pouring out at once. Hifumi’s tears were everywhere: on his face, on the floor, on Doppo. He held him tightly as they lay on the floor. Doppo was warm and heavy in his arms. He would have worried he was too late if not for the coughs rattling Doppo’s frame.
“Don’t do anything like this again,” Hifumi said in a tiny voice.
He didn’t need to ask Doppo why he did it. He knew. Their friendship was the most important thing in either of their lives, but he didn’t know quite how important it was to Doppo. He forgot to breathe. Soon, Hifumi’s sniffles became the only sound in the room. He pulled away to see Doppo staring straight ahead at him, teal eyes dull. Angry red marks bloomed on his neck.
“I’m calling Jakurai,” Hifumi said, getting to his feet.
“No,” Doppo said, voice hoarse. He didn’t bother looking up, still staring straight ahead on his side.
“He would understand!” he stuttered out. He ran a hand through his hair, on the verge of crying once more. “Can’t you care about yourself for once?”
“No,” Doppo said, a bit more forcefully. He curled into a ball on the ground.
Hifumi busied himself with making sure the room was safe. He picked up the discarded rope and tossed it into a far corner of the room like it was a half-dead snake. As he headed for the desk by the bed, he swept the papers aside to make a clear path. The desk itself was littered with more crumpled papers. When he brushed them aside to check for sharp objects, he noticed a white envelope addressed to him.
He took a quick glance over his shoulder at Doppo. His friend was still lying on the ground. Turning back to the envelope, he opened it carefully with shaking hands. Inside was a paper crumpled by dry tears, some parts of the page still damp. The handwriting was unmistakably Doppo’s but even more sprawling and hectic than usual, filling the entire page and crawling up the margins. Hifumi didn’t even know where to begin reading, but a smeared line near the top of the page caught his attention.
Dearest Hifumi, the letter began.
Today was my worst nightmare come to life. This thing that I have been keeping inside for so long has finally escaped me. It ruined our friendship. It’s all my fault. I should have tried harder to keep it hidden but now you know. You know what I think about. What I feel. It’s disgusting isn’t it? I’m disgusting. You hate me, don’t you? This is why I have to—
The rest of the sentence was smeared, the paper warped. The page crumpled under Hifumi’s hands, hot with sweat. He could barely bring himself to read the rest, just endless self-deprecation with some choice words he didn’t even know that Doppo knew how to use. But near the end, something caught his eye once again.
Shoved into the corner of the page, in the tiniest handwriting imaginable, were three words: I love you.
Hifumi’s heart skipped a beat, his vision flashing white. He whipped around to find Doppo missing from the floor. His breath accelerated. A muffled thud came from outside the door. He bolted out into the living area.
“Doppo!” he shouted. He glanced around. No trace of red was to be found. “Doppo!”
He ran around the whole apartment, checking every room, every closet. Where could he be? Where could he have gone? Why? With his heart sinking into dread, he crept towards the front door and found it was unlocked.
He didn’t waste any time, sprinting back to his room. Hifumi fumbled with his smartphone on the nightstand. He didn’t know why his phone was suddenly so slippery, why the dial pad was double-tapping numbers as if drenched in water. But finally, he was able to call Doppo. The phone rang for an eternity. He hit voicemail. He hung up and called again. And again. And again.
The call picked up.
“Doppo?” Hifumi said, his voice cracking and quivering. He cradled the phone to the side of his face with both hands. “Doppo..?”
There was no response—just the muted rumble of a train.
“Where are you?” he whispered.
The train rumbled on. Hifumi could have sworn he heard Doppo sniffling on the other end. Suddenly, a garbled chime rang out before the next stop was announced in English.
Before the Japanese next stop call played, the call hung up.
Hifumi shrieked. He watched the phone shake in his hands—or was it his hands that were shaking instead? He stared intently at it, tears streaking down his face, as if this would will the phone to ring again. His breath was trapped in his chest until he couldn’t breathe and was forced to gasp for air. He was a mess physically, but mentally, he knew what he needed to do.
Once he could breathe again, he tossed his phone into bed, grabbed a jacket, and ran out the door.
The night was all-encompassing, swallowing the sound of Hifumi’s footsteps. Cold prickled at his arms and snuck under the legs of his pajama pants. Curious gazes poked into him. But he continued on with a determination that scared himself. Doppo had to be there, at that station. If not, he was ready to turn over the entirety of Tokyo looking for him.
Finally, he reached the nearest train station and had one of the most stressful rides of his life before finally making it to the same station from the announcement. As soon as Hifumi stepped off the train, he called Doppo’s name.
A few people looked at him, some angrily.
Hifumi didn’t care. He walked down the platform and called out again, looking around frantically.
Soon, he spotted Doppo’s unmistakable shade of red hair hovering much too close to the railing overlooking the city. He almost fainted in relief. But then came the anger.
“Doppo,” Hifumi said firmly as he approached his friend, “never do anything like this again, either.”
Doppo didn’t look at him, only continuing to stare past the train tracks and at the street below. Neon lights shone on the horizon. “I didn’t think you would come,” he said.
He sputtered. “Didn’t think I’d come? Just who do you think I am? I was worried sick about you!”
“Why?”
“Why?” Hifumi echoed, his voice rising hysterically.
Doppo finally stood up and turned to face Hifumi. “I thought our friendship was over,” he said through gritted teeth. “Why else would I think you stopped caring about me?”
“Because things don’t work that way?” he shot back with furrowed brows. “I don’t unders—”
“You read my letter!” Doppo shouted abruptly. “I watched you do it. You know how I feel now. You would never feel the same!” He whipped back to the tracks, gripping the railing until his knuckles turned white. “I should just stick my head into the oncoming train!”
As if on cue, the rumbling of an approaching train grew louder and louder.
Hifumi’s mind blanked, his heart froze, but his body jolted into action. He grabbed Doppo’s shoulders and twirled him around into a kiss.
The train roared past, bringing a wall of wind that threatened to carry them away to some far-off land. Hifumi’s hands shifted from his shoulders to his back, pressing their bodies together, getting him further away from that train. Doppo was so warm, so soft, everything he had imagined.
He didn’t know when they pulled apart. Just that he was now staring at Doppo’s face, the thundering of the train masking his erratic heartbeat. The latter was unmoving, his expression slack save for a slight quiver of his bottom lip. Tears gathered in his teal eyes.
“Doppo?” Hifumi asked. “Are you—”
Doppo grabbed Hifumi’s face and slammed their lips together. Hifumi’s eyes went wide and then even wider as he felt a tongue slip into his mouth with the salty taste of tears. But it was all over just as quickly as it began.
“I’m sorry,” Doppo said shakily. “I’m sorry I made you do this.”
Hifumi wordlessly stared at him. He knew he needed to say words of comfort, but nothing came out. When he finally opened his mouth, Doppo cut him off.
“Let’s just go back home,” he said.
Still unable to find his voice, Hifumi nodded. He didn’t know what else to do. Everything felt so incomplete, so uncertain. But it was a puzzle for tomorrow. Exhaustion permeated his bones. Or maybe that was just the weight of the stares from everyone else on the platform on him. But that didn’t matter now either.
The only thing on Hifumi’s mind was that Doppo was safe and they would both be home soon.