Parodia 

The camp of the Achaians on the shores of Ilion lay in deep shock. A week ago, the brain of the entire operation, wily Odysseus, designated city-destroyer, had vanished without a trace. He was assumed dead or lost or worse – a traitor.

Brave Diomedes, best comrade to the presumed deceased, at long last had decided to host the funeral games and speech, even if they had no body to burn, not even a speck of blood in the sand; and the Achaian host assembled en masse to hear him speak.

“Friends, Achaians, countrymen, lend me your ears.”

In the second row, Little Ajax sneezed loudly.

“I have come to mourn Odysseus, not to praise him! We all know Odysseus would screw you up whenever he could, like when he ratted out Achilles hiding… I’m telling you, Odysseus was a sly little shit, but… believe me or not… he was also a religious man!

Most of you are here because of him. Didn't he talk you all into swearing that oath of protection to Helen’s marriage? He was my friend, but I’m still not over falling into that particular trap… But nevertheless, let me tell you! He was a very religious man!

That idea with the horse he’s been cooking up? Might just work like a charm; too bad he’s not gonna be here to see it happen. Let’s shed a tear in his honor and pour some wine on the ground for him and his Patron… He would have wanted it; he was a very religious man!

And now this fucked up idea of the two of us sneaking into Ilion and grabbing Pallas Athena’s statue right from her temple’s altar? Vital for the cause? Ilion can’t fall with the statue inside it, the prophets said. And Odysseus the dork, of course, volunteers to get his grubby paws all over Athena’s statue; of course! He’s a very, very, very religious man!

“Cut the crap, Dio!” Neoptolemus shouted. “We all know he vanished right after that mission to steal the Palladium. What the fuck happened out there?”

~o~

Seven days earlier

Why is it always Diomedes who gets drafted into the most deranged missions?

Take the chariot race against Aphrodite and Ares, for example. That’s not on Odysseus, no – the douche doesn’t even own a chariot! But their patron goddess loves them horses, of course, and she’s too good to fight in the dust today, not wanting to get her fancy golden sandals all mucked up, so now it’s on Diomedes to scream like a girl from her manic driving and to hurl his spears against the two gods and hope this whole affair won’t come back to bite his ass later. 

And all the time Athena won’t shut up about how heroic Odysseus looks, holding his own against a line of Ilians, and how he’s dedicated yesterday’s finest ewe sacrifice to her and what a religious man he is.

And now?

Now Diomedes is standing in Ilion’s temple to Athena, holding a lamp and really needing a leak after his rich dinner. 

And in front of him are the Palladium and Odysseus and Athena, heads stuck together and going off about “Bla… bla… bla… Strategy… bla… bla… bla… Horses… bla… bla… bla… Fuck Poseidon.”

“Look, can we just bag the thing and be off?” asks Diomedes who wants to be out of here, or he’ll commit a sacrilege in his Patron’s temple at any moment.

He tries to stuff the statue into one of the sacks they have brought for precisely this goddamn purpose, but Odysseus swats his hand away from the ancient wood and carefully cradles the statue in his own arms.

“That’s not proper, Dio!” he says, and one of his hands is on the statue’s thigh and one on her breast, and Pallas Athena’s face is turning bright golden in the lamplight, and she shifts her stance, leaning heavily on her spear. Odysseus is such a fucking religious poser.

They send Diomedes ahead with the lamp, and he can hear them whispering behind him again. “Strategy! Honor! Victory!” goes Athena. “Sacrifice… Devotion… Most beautiful Goddess…” warbles Odysseus, and Diomedes really knows he wouldn’t even qualify as the third wheel on their wagon.

And then they are down the ropes and down from the high walls, and Odysseus the religious paragon is still cradling the blasted statue, bridal style, while Diomedes relieves himself against the wall and Pallas Athena stares off into the stars.

"Please," Dio hears Odysseus whisper to her in the distance, whiney little shit he is. “Let me take that virginity of yours… It’s for religious purposes of course.”

And Athena’s voice, honest to… someone… is practically singing back to that joke of a man. “Well… okay? If it is part of a sound strategy, then… maybe… I can let you, can I not?”

When Diomedes turns around, they are both gone, and just the Palladium is there on the ground, and he stuffs it into one of the sacks that they have brought for this specific goddamn purpose and shuffles back to the Achaian camp alone.

He’ll pick a different patron tomorrow.