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Sam stood outside the door to Colby’s house.
The two had been friends for almost four years now and Sam can confidently say that Colby is one of his best friends (not that he had many, but still).
Clutched tightly in his shaky hands was a gift bag with tissue paper visible on the top. Today was a special day for Colby. Well, it’s always a special day when it’s your birthday, but this birthday was slightly more special. Today was Colby’s eighteenth birthday, meaning it’s the year of legal adulthood.
To be honest, Sam hasn’t really felt all that different when he turned eighteen. Not that he expected anything big, but he still felt like a kid. Which is understandable since you are technically still a teen.
Either way, being eighteen was something more than just being a legal adult. To Sam and Colby, it was the first step to their social media careers.
Honestly, it was a miracle that both their parents agreed to assist them on their journey.
“Hey Sammy,” a familiar mop of brown hair suddenly popped his head out from behind the door, interrupting his thoughts. “Come on in,” he said cheerfully as he held the door wide open for Sam to step in.
The blonde made his way into the brunette’s house as if it was his own home. And honestly? It kinda was with the amount of times he visited Colby. And vice versa.
The first thing Sam noticed when he entered the house was the sight of leftover cake and party decorations in the dining room. Colby had initially insisted for Sam to join him and his family for the celebration, but the blonde refused—not wanting to take away a special moment between him and his family. And besides, Sam states he’ll come later that day for the “after party.”
“Glad you made it,” Colby stated. “Thought you weren’t gonna show.”
“And miss seeing the birthday boy? Ha, you wish,” Sam joked.
Colby grinned, a faint blush appearing on his face. “C’mon, let’s go to my room and hangout for a bit.” Colby grabbed Sam’s sleeve to drag him up the stairs towards his room.
Although Sam basically knows the layout of Colby’s house, he finds it quite cute that Colby feels the need to take him to his room. Cute? Wow, Sam’s brain really is all over the place.
Arriving outside the door to Colby’s bedroom, the brunette dropped his hand from Sam’s sleeve to open the door using said hand. He beckoned Sam to come inside once he stepped in.
Once Sam stepped inside, Colby closed the door behind them. Circling back in front of the blonde, Sam could tell that he’s eyeing the gift bag that’s still clutched in his hand.
“Uhm, oh—here,” Sam stuttered out. “Happy birthday and new year,” he held the bag out towards Colby.
God. Why did he stutter there? He’s just giving his friend a present!
Colby smiled as he accepted the bag from Sam’s hands. “Happy new year to you too.”
Sam suddenly felt nervous as Colby rumbled through the gift bag. An excited expression fell on the birthday boy’s face as he picked off blue tissue paper, watching it fall onto his carpeted floor.
Once he successfully picked off all the paper, Colby stuck his hand in and pulled out the gift.
In his hand was a gray stuffed animal. A koala more specifically.
Colby blinked at the small toy in his hand, not saying anything.
Sam instantly felt a wave of embarrassment flooding through to him.
Does he like it? Damn, he knew he shouldn’t have bought something so… childish.
“D-do you like it?” Sam managed to say, filling in the awkward silence.
Colby only looked at the toy for a brief second before locking eyes with Sam’s. Sam threw his head down in embarrassment, not wanting to look Colby in the eyes. “I—,” Colby started. “I love it.”
Sam whipped his head up to look at him now. Eyes blown with disbelief. “You do?”
Colby gave a nod. “Of course I do. I mean, wow—how’d you know that koalas were my favorite animals?”
Sam gave a giggle, previous embarrassment fading away. “You mentioned it more than once actually,” he admitted.
Colby chuckled at that remark. “Well, thank you. I think I’ll put this little guy right…”
The brunette’s eyes wandered over his room before landing on his bed. Stepping forward, he places the toy near his pillows.
“…here,” he finished his sentence.
Sam smiled by how bold Colby was. That guy always made sure that Sam’s gestures were always appreciated, no matter how silly it may seem. Maybe it came with the territory of how much they trusted each other. That they can be themselves without judgment from the other. It’s laughable really—Sam spent his whole life pleasing others without getting much in return.
But here Colby was, making sure that everything Sam did was valued. Even if it’s something as small as a ‘thank you.’
Turning back on his heels, Colby faced Sam again. “Now he can watch me while I sleep.”
Sam gave a small laugh. Of course he said something like that.
Colby smiled before taking a step forward. Then another. “C’mere.”
Sam barely had time to react before Colby wrapped his arms around him in a hug. It wasn’t unusual. They hugged before, more often than Sam would admit, but this one felt different.
Sam stiffened for just a second before relaxing into it. Slowly, he raises his arms up before wrapping them around Colby in return. “…Happy birthday,” he mumbled, feeling the need to say it again.
Colby smiled against his shoulder. “Thanks.”
They didn’t pull away just yet. Neither of them felt the need to.
Sam wasn’t used to getting hugs all that much. Sure, his mom would usually give him a warm welcome when he returned home from school, and a few from his dad and siblings if he was lucky. But hugs from friends? Nah. It was uncommon for boys to hug their homies, except for the occasional side hugs and shoulder pats.
Colby suddenly leaned back slightly. Just enough to look at the blonde. Sam had already looked up at him when he noticed the movement.
They were close. Very close, but neither of them moved. It’s like something in the air shifted. Something—between the two.
Colby’s eyes flickered suddenly. Staring at Sam’s lips, his eyes, then lips again. Sam noticed the stare. He always does.
For a second they simply looked at each other, eyes softening half lidded now.
They just stared at each other, lost in each other’s eyes. Sam never realized how pretty Colby’s blue eyes were until now. What is happening?
Neither of them could find the words for what happened next. Slowly, they leaned toward each other until their noses brushed lightly.
Sam could practically feel Colby’s breath on his face.
The distance between the two slowly disappeared, inch by inch until finally—their lips met.
Soft, a bit uncertain, but gentle. So gentle that Sam could’ve swore he wasn’t kissing anyone.
The kiss only lasted for a few seconds, but it felt long, longer than it should’ve. Long enough that if Sam really started thinking, would mean something. The blonde could almost taste the sweetness of dessert on the brunette’s tongue. Cake? He guessed.
But before Sam had time to think, they both pulled back suddenly. Like it hit them both at the same time. Arms quickly detaching from one another.
“Oh—!”
“Uh…”
They stared at each other, eyes wide, breathing uneven.
Colby’s heart was pounding so fast like it might explode out of his body. Meanwhile, Sam’s face was red, really red.
Neither of them spoke for a second. Not knowing what to say.
Until finally, Sam broke the silence. He took a step back, almost too fast. “Uhm… well—I—”
He avoided Colby’s eyes completely now. “I better get going,” was all Sam could mumble out.
Colby opened his mouth, wanting to say something, anything—but no words came out.
Sam had already made his way towards the door, his hand already on the door handle. “Happy 18th,” he added quickly before twisting the handle open and stepping out. Softly closing the door behind him.
And just like that, he was gone.
Colby just stood there. Staring at the closed door. His lips parted slightly as he exhaled. “What just happened…?”
Slowly, without thinking, he lifted a hand to his lips. They still felt warm, soft almost.
His stomach flipped. It wasn’t his first kiss, not really. He knew what a kiss felt like. Truth be told he’d dated once during high school. He’d done this before.
But this? This felt… different. “What the hell,” he whispered under his breath.
Because his mind kept replaying it. His stupid mind that always thought of Sam more than he should. In ways that were anything but platonic.
But the way Sam looked at him. The way he stuttered. The way the blonde’s face flushed a deep shade of red when he’s embarrassed. The way neither of them pulled right away from the kiss.
And god his lips. Those same lips Colby had stared at way too many times without realizing.
“Why was it so—” Colby cut himself off, shaking his head hard. “No.”
He started panicking. “No, no, no—”
His chest tightened. Without thinking, he places his hands over his heart. “I can’t—”
His thoughts spiraled fast. Too fast for his liking.
He. Liked. It.
That was the problem. Not the kiss, nor the fact that it could be swept under the rug as an accident.
But the fact that he liked it. A lot, he might as well admit.
“No…,” he said again, louder this time.
His eyes darted around his room like he was looking for something to ground himself. And then—they landed on something on his desk. A small wooden cross necklace hanging off from his desk lamp.
His throat tightened as he stared at it. “It’s wrong,” he admitted, quieter now.
Colby swallowed hard, running a hand through his hair before walking towards his bed. He dropped to his knees on the floor. Elbows digging into his mattress as he pressed his hands together.
He then bowed his head. Just like how he used to do. Memories flooded back to when he was a kid in church. Every Sunday he remembered. It felt like hell back then, waking up so early just to listen to a boring lecture, doing a prayer, and the occasional confessions to which he had to make up, cause what kid commits sins at that age? But… as silly as it seems, it gave him purpose in a way. Like he belonged somewhere.
“Lord,” he started, his voice unsteady. “I—I’m sorry.”
His eyes squeezed shut. “It wasn’t my intention, I swear.”
His grip between his hands tightened. “I didn’t plan it. It just… happened.”
He paused for a second. His voice dropped suddenly before admitting, “but I liked it.”
That part was harder to say. Like admitting it made it more real, but so wrong at the same time. His chest ached at that thought.
“I can’t like it,” he whispered. “I’m not supposed to.”
Another pause. Longer this time. Colby’s posture relaxed now, like a giant weight lifted off his shoulders.
Colby let out a slow breath. It finally hit him. It wasn’t just a one off thing. Not some passing feelings, not a crush.
It was love. He was in love with Sam. His best friend no less.
His shoulders sagged at the realization. I’m in love with—. He lifted his head up, looking at his hands briefly before whispering quietly. “I think I’m in love with my best friend.”
The words hung heavy in the air. It left a sour taste in his mouth, but at least he got it off his chest. Things always felt better once you let the truth out, or at least that’s what his mama always said.
“Please forgive me,” Colby's voice rang out one last time in his bedroom walls. Tears stung his eyes before dropping onto his sheets. He hadn't realized he was crying until now.
Silence filled the room. No answer, like always.
Colby sighed before quietly getting off from the floor and crawling up under the sheets of his bed.
He turned his head and noticed the koala plush Sam gifted him. It sat there with its large black beaded eyes staring at him. Without thinking, he snuck his hand out from under the covers before grabbing the soft plush in his hand.
Holding it close to his chest, the tears finally flowed free. Large puddles of salty tears soaking his pillow instantly, but Colby couldn’t care less. Not when his prayers weren’t answered. Not when someone he doesn’t know supposedly had all the answers to life.
The only sounds filling the room were the quiet sobs of a heartbroken teen who occupied it.
If only Sam would realize what Colby was going through. If only his parents knew why Sam left their house so suddenly. If only God knew why he was feeling this way.
If only.
The day back to school felt awkward to say the least. All weekend Colby tried texting Sam about the uh—incident, but as expected, all his text messages were left on delivered.
Normally on school days, Colby would wait in front of Sam’s house so they could then make the journey to school together. They’d usually share the occasion family drama, dreams the other remembered, or new content ideas they can use for their joint Vine or Youtube account. However, considering how things went down in Colby’s place just a couple days ago, the brunette opted to just send a quick text to Sam saying he’ll meet him at school. Just to save the awkwardness.
It wasn’t until Colby was waiting near the front of the school, was when he got a reply from Sam.
‘We’ll talk later’
Ouch. Colby wonders what Sam meant by that. Either way, he trusts Sam enough that he’ll arrive at school instead of ditching. He isn’t that type of person.
Sighing, Colby pocketed his phone in his hoodie pocket before making his way inside the building.
It felt strange walking into school without the familiar blonde at his side. Sure, there had been the occasional sick days—those rare times when one of them was absent. Classmates and teachers alike would give Colby (or Sam) an odd look, as if seeing one without the other just felt wrong. But today wasn’t some random sick day.
Even with his head down, Colby could already feel some eyes on him as he walked towards his first period. Both him and Sam had similar schedules, well—similar is an understatement, they did have the same schedule. It was on purpose really. Since it was their senior year after all, they made sure that all their classes matched up nicely. Unlike the past years where they had a few classes without the other. Talk about codependent.
Colby made his way over to his usual spot in the classroom before looking over to the empty desk next to him. Sam and him always sat next to each other. They were lucky their school didn’t assign seats, unless you were a distraction to the class. Colby smiled at that one time Sam and him were being loud in the classroom, which made their teacher separate the two from across the room. Good times, Colby though.
Sam arrived at school as promised, but came late to first period. Nothing wrong there. Not like Colby was going to scold him for coming late.
However, the rest of the day felt… off.
Everything was still the same. Same classrooms. Same teachers. Same routine.
But between Sam and Colby? It didn’t feel the same.
Although they sat in their respective seats, the space between them felt wider. They barely spoke to each other. Not in classrooms, or hallways, not even during lunch.
Every now and then, one of them would glance over, but quickly look away once the other noticed.
Teachers noticed, even students. Especially students. Usually the duo would get the occasional side eyes during lunch when they have a Vine to film, which may or may not cause some mild annoyance.
But no one said anything. Just assumed it was some kind of argument they would resolve within the next day.
They had no idea.
After school, the halls slowly emptied. Sam was almost out the exit when he heard his name being called.
“Sam.” A hand suddenly grabbed his wrist. The blonde turned, already knowing who it was.
“Colby.”
Colby didn’t let go. “C’mon.”
Before Sam could protest, Colby tugged him along, leading him out of the school and down their usual path. He led them somewhere quieter, more secluded off trail.
Once Colby was sure no one would bother them, he finally let go.
A beat of silence soon followed.
Sam faced his friend, crossing his arms slightly. “What do you want, Colby?”
Colby was quickly taken aback by the tone. And I thought you wanted to talk later.
Letting out a deep breath, Colby started, “Listen, about the kiss—”
“Don’t.”
Colby blinked. “Don’t what?”
Sam looked away. He always does this when he doesn’t want to face the consequences. “Don’t apologize.”
“But Sam—”
“Just stop,” Sam cut in, a little sharper this time.
Colby went quiet. He never heard the blonde snap like that before. Sam was usually the more quiet of the two. Kept more to himself than spoke his mind.
Sam exhaled, trying to steady himself after that small outburst.
“We were both caught up in the moment,” he said, quieter now. “And so it just… naturally happened, I guess.”
Colby stared at him. “Oh.” That wasn’t what he expected. “Okay…”
Silence settled between them again. Neither of them really knew what to say next. Sam shifted his weight, eyes still not meeting Colby’s.
Then, in a small shaky voice, “that was my first kiss.”
Colby’s head snapped up. “What?” Okay, now that was something Colby didn’t expect. The brunette knew that Sam didn’t date during high school, but he did know that he did in middle school. Even though those relationships don’t really count as real ones per se… Colby thought he at least had a peck on the lips with his then girlfriend.
Sam gave a small, awkward shrug noticing Colby’s reaction. “Yeah.”
Colby blinked, still processing it. “Seriously?”
Sam nodded, a little embarrassed now that the confession was out. “Yeah.”
Colby ran a hand through his hair. “I… I didn’t know that,” was all he could say.
“Why would you?” Sam muttered with slight annoyance.
Colby looked at him. Really looked at him. Into those soft blue eyes that made him feel all warm inside. “Sam.”
Sam tensed slightly. Looking at Colby’s eyes, “yeah?”
Colby hesitated. Because truthfully, there was a lot he could say. About last night. About how he felt. Or about how confusing it all was to him, but instead, all what came out was—
“Are you okay?”
Sam blinked. That wasn’t what the blonde expected.
“…Yeah,” he said, though it came out quieter than he meant.
Colby didn’t look too convinced though. “That didn’t, like… mess anything up for you?” The statement came out more of a question than anything.
Sam gave a shrug. There was something vulnerable in his expression now. “I don’t know.”
It was honest. At least that was something they can both agree on.
“Me neither.”
They stood there, facing each other. Years of friendship between them. Years of being each other’s greatest accomplishment.
And now, there was something new. Something neither of them knew how to handle.
Sam let out a small breath. “Can we just pretend it didn’t happen?”
And there it was, that feeling Colby was scared would come. It hit him hard.
Colby hesitated. “You want to forget it?”
Sam looked away again. “I’m trying here Colby. I-I don’t know what else to do.”
Colby’s chest tightened. Because, yes, a part of him wanted to agree. Wanted to make things easy and go back to normal. But another part of him didn’t want to lose what that moment felt like.
But Colby didn’t want to push it. He didn’t want to force Sam into a situation he wasn’t comfortable with.
“Yeah,” he said finally. “…we can do that.”
Sam nodded, satisfied with the response. “Okay.”
Neither of them moved yet. Neither of them even smiled. Because even if they denied everything, they both knew this new found feeling is blooming between them, and there was no going back to what it was before.
Colby barely made it to his room before the tears started. The door shut behind him, and it was like everything he’d been holding in all day just—broke.
He dropped onto his bed, face pressing into his pillow to muffle the sound. “He wants to forget?” he whispered, voice shaking.
His chest hurts. Bad. As if his heart just physically broke from hearing those words.
Because that wasn’t just some random moment to him. It meant something. Sam meant something. And now the boy who blushes when he gets embarrassed, that adorable blonde boy who laughs at Colby’s corny jokes—wants to forget?
“I really thought he liked me…” he choked out.
His mind kept replaying everything.
The kiss.
The way Sam looked at him.
The way he didn’t pull away from the hug.
And then he heard those words, “Can we just pretend it didn’t happen?”
Colby squeezed his eyes shut. “Why would he say that?”
It didn’t make sense. Or maybe it did and his mind just didn’t want it to. Because if Sam truly didn’t feel the same—then what did that say about him?
About what he felt?
He wiped at his face quickly, but it didn’t help much.
Suddenly, a knock sounded at his door. “Colby?”
The voice was from his older brother Gage. Of course.
Colby sniffed, putting his face back into the pillow as he’s trying to pull himself together. “Go away,” he mumbled.
The door opened anyway. “Too late.”
Colby groaned softly, turning his face away from his unexpected visitor’s view. “Dude—”
Gage stepped inside, shutting the door behind him. “You okay, little bro?”
“N-no.”
That was enough to make Gage take it seriously. His inner older sibling was coming out from seeing his little brother so upset.
He walked over carefully, sitting on the edge of the bed once he got closer to Colby. “Something happened at school?”
Colby didn’t answer. He just stared at the wall. His expression blank with tears already drying from around his eyes.
Gage watched him for a second. He never saw his little brother so sad before. Colby rarely cried. And if it wasn’t about school, then maybe—
“Is it about Sam?”
Colby’s shoulders tensed. Not knowing how to respond to that statement. Because it technically was about Sam, but not for any bad reason.
“Kinda...”
Gage nodded slowly. Although the response was a bit odd, at this point was anything normal between those two? “Did he hurt you?”
Colby immediately shook his head, sitting up slightly as he locked eyes with Gage.
“W-what? No—! Never.” His voice came out more defensive than he meant, as if Gage had the audacity to even say that.
Colby turned his face slightly away from his brother’s view, suddenly feeling embarrassed. “We just had a fight. That’s all.”
Gage raised a brow. “A fight got you like this? Crying like a mess?”
Colby didn’t respond, he didn’t know how to, because this situation wasn’t just a fight. It was something much more that neither Gage nor anyone else would understand.
Gage waited patiently for Colby’s reply before he sighed quietly. “Alright. I’m not gonna push it.”
Colby slowly lifted his head, facing his brother again. His features relaxed just a little.
“But,” Gage added, “you are gonna talk to me eventually.”
Colby wiped at his face again, “maybe.” It was the honest truth. His older brother had always been the person that Colby would turn to growing up. Colby would never know how to face his problems if it wasn’t for Gage, but it was embarrassing that it had to involve his feelings. His very confused feelings.
Gage hesitated before reaching his hand out and nudged Colby lightly on the shoulder. “You guys have been glued together for years. One fight doesn’t just end that.”
Colby swallowed, blinking back tears that threatened to come out. “What if it does?”
Gage shook his head. “It won’t.”
Colby gave a dry laugh. “You don’t know that.”
“I know you,” Gage said. “And I’ve seen the way that kid looks at you.”
Colby froze slightly. Huh—? “What?”
Gage shrugged. “I’m not blind,” he stated lightly.
Colby’s heart started racing again. “What do you mean?”
Gage glared at him, not believing his act. “You really don’t see it?”
Colby didn’t answer. He didn’t know if he should, because if Gage saw something Colby was too scared to fully admit, then maybe Sam could see it too. And Sam knew everything about Colby just by looking at him. It would tear something deep within him if their relationship was suddenly strained, especially since they were planning on moving to LA after graduation.
Gage finally stood up from Colby’s bed, stretching a bit before giving him one last statement. “Look, whatever happened, just don’t ignore it, okay?”
Colby frowned slightly. “I’m not ignoring it”
Gage scoffed, “yeah right. You ignore stuff all the time, but this time it’ll only get worse.”
Colby thought about that for a moment. Okay sure, maybe he did, but this was something much more than pushing off missing homework. Man, why did his brother have to be so wise?
Gage ruffled Colby’s hair a bit before heading toward the door, he paused for a second as his hand hovered over the handle. Colby, who was already fully sitting up, stared at his brother to see what he was gonna say or do next.
Lifting his gaze into Colby’s eyes, he gave a small smile before saying, “talk to him. It’ll make you feel better.” And then, he left.
The room fell quiet again. Colby sat there, staring at the door. He felt like he was having déjà vu from the time Sam ran out of his room.
Colby laid his head back down onto the mattress before grabbing his pillow again and groaning into it. His mind was still spinning from the conversation with his brother. “He looked at me like that?” Colby thought out loud. The thought lingered, but enough to keep him from completely breaking.
After a moment of silence, Colby slowly lifted the pillow from his face and peered beside him, his eyes landing on the koala plush. It still sat beside his pillows, even through the crisis Colby was having all weekend on trying to figure out his feelings, the little plushie seems to ground him—at least a little.
Colby reached his hand out and softly stroked its fur. He closes his eyes and lets his thoughts spiral back to the conversation with Gage. His brother might be annoying, but he wasn’t wrong.
Colby stayed there for a moment, replaying everything over and over again.
“Just don’t ignore it,” his brother’s words whispered in his head. True, avoiding it wasn’t helping. Pretending it didn’t happen wasn’t the solution.
If anything, it made it worse.
“I need to talk to him,” Colby muttered. He needed to talk to Sam. Not later, nor someday. Right now.
Sitting back up on his mattress now, he grabbed his phone out from his hoodie pocket. Hands still a little shaky as he opened his previous text conversation.
He hesitated for a second, then typed— ‘we need to talk’
His thumb hovered over the send button before pressing it. It’s all or nothing, right?
Minutes passed as Colby stared at the unread message. He was about to put his phone down, already losing hope when suddenly, he noticed the three little dots appeared.
A message from Sam popped up soon after. ‘we already did’
Colby’s jaw tightened from that response.
No. That wasn’t enough. Not even close. The conversation they just had after school gave him more confusion than closure.
He typed again, faster this time— ‘no. I need to tell you something’
Colby paused before typing another quick reply once more— ‘meet me at our abandoned playground. I'll cya there’
He hit send before he could overthink it. Colby stared at the screen. No response yet.
He exhaled slowly. Colby didn’t even know if Sam would show, regardless, he stuffed his phone back into his hoodie and headed for the door.
The abandoned playground was something special to Sam and Colby. To any regular person, it looked like a place that was just forgotten. Rusted swings, cracked pavement, but the quiet emptiness was what made it feel like it belonged to just them.
Colby stood in the middle of it all, staring at the run-down swing set. His hands were shoved into his pockets, and his heart pounding harder with every second that passed.
What if Sam didn’t come?
What if he did, and Colby would make everything worse?
What if—. The soft sound of footsteps interrupted his thoughts.
Colby turned to look at the source of the sound. It was Sam.
He stopped a few feet away, a little out of breath like he’d ran to get there.
“You’re here,” Colby said.
“Yeah,” Sam replied, panting slightly.
An awkward silence soon followed. Sam crossed his arms slightly. “What do you wanna tell me?”
Colby swallowed. God, why must he be friends (and in love) with the most bratty person ever?
Colby looked over at Sam. How do you even start a conversation like this?
“I—we can’t pretend it didn’t happen.”
Sam’s gaze dropped suddenly. “Colby—”
“No,” Colby said, shaking his head. “Just listen, okay?”
Sam hesitated. Then nodded softly.
Colby gave him a long look before taking a breath.
“That kiss—” He stopped, trying to find the right words. “…It meant something to me.”
Sam’s head lifted slightly.
Colby held his gaze this time.
“I know you said it was just… a moment. And maybe it was to you.” His eyes started to sting.
“But it didn’t feel like that to me.”
Sam’s expression shifted. Colby couldn’t quite make out what he was thinking.
“Colby, you’re—”
“I liked it,” Colby admitted, his voice cracking. The words came out more raw than he expected. “I really liked it.” Hot tears were now streaming down his face. No. Why was he crying? Why now?
Colby’s quiet sobs now filled the empty silence. He couldn’t control the emotions he was facing right now. He buried his face in his hands just to give himself some sort of comfort. Peeking between his fingers, Sam’s eyes widened just a little at him.
The blonde didn’t know what to do, what to say. Colby rarely cried in front of him, and if he did, it would usually be because of something minor—like if he failed a test or if someone got on his nerves. Those were usually tears of frustration, but this? Sam didn’t know how to handle tears of sadness, especially if it’s directed towards him.
Before Sam could try to resolve the situation, Colby took a steady breath and gathered the bit of confidence he had left, “and I-I think… I think I like you.”
There it was. The confession was out. No taking it back now.
Sam froze in disbelief, like he was trying to put together a puzzle in his head. Like it was too unreal, too foreign for Colby to say those words to him.
“You what?”
Colby let out a shaky breath. Removing his hands from his face before quickly wiping his eyes with his sleeve. “I don’t get it, okay? I’ve been trying to make it make sense all day and I can’t…”
He paused a bit, lowering his head down as he stared at his shoes, “but I know how I feel. And I, uhm—don’t wanna pretend that it didn’t happen.”
Sam looked like he might die right then and there. You gotta cut him some slack, okay? How would you respond after your best friend just confessed their love to you?
“I, uhh—didn’t think you’d feel that way,” Sam said softly.
Colby gave a groan before taking a step back and letting his back hit the swing set pole. He slid down as he sat on the dead grass below. He drew his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around them before burying his face in the space between his knees.
Although things were awkward now, Sam couldn’t help but smile at the boy’s antics. He’s still Colby, isn't he?
Sam stared at Colby’s frame before crouching down to face the brunette’s eye level, then reached his hand out to grasp his shoulder. “Hey now, let’s not do that.”
“Sorry,” Colby mumbled as he lifted his head up so Sam could hear.
“You got nothing to apologize for Colby. Listen, I'm not mad, just—erm, a little shocked that’s all,” Sam replied softly, like he was trying not to scare the distraught teen if he said the wrong words.
Colby picked at the grass between his fingers now, keeping his gaze below. “Gage said talking would make me feel better,” Colby mumbled under his breath.
“Well,” Sam started. “How do you feel?”
Colby only gave a small shrug. “Anxious. Scared. Kinda sweaty.”
Sam gave a soft laugh. Okay, maybe this wasn’t a laughing matter, but Colby really does have a way of making situations feel less serious. “Dude, don’t be sweaty man,” Sam punched his arm lightly.
Colby lifted his gaze just a bit. Eyebrows raised in confusion before he decided to join in the small laugh. Sue him for wanting to share a moment with the man he loved. “Well, I can’t control it, you know.”
Sam gave a small chuckle before deciding to join him on the grass. Their knees touched slightly as the blonde sat close to him. Colby gave a small blush before ducking his head down once more. Sam decided to pretend he didn’t notice.
“That was—that was my first kiss you know,” Sam interjected.
Colby's brows lifted slightly. He hadn't expected Sam to bring that up again. For a moment, he just looked at him before his expression softened. “I know,” he said gently. “I'm sorry.”
Sam swallowed. “You really gotta stop apologizing Colbs. Listen, I… also have something to say to you.”
Colby kept his mouth shut this time.
For a few seconds, neither of them spoke. Sam rubbed the back of his neck, suddenly finding the grass interesting as well. “Uhm, when I got home that day,” he began quietly, “I kept thinking about it.” His cheeks started to burn. God, this was embarrassing. “I thought I was upset because it was my first kiss. And I was, at first.” Sam let out a nervous laugh. “I spent hours staring at my ceiling trying to figure out why I couldn't stop thinking about it.”
Colby watched him carefully, afraid to interrupt.
Sam finally looked up. “And I think I realized something. I wasn't replaying it because I hated it, or that it was from a boy.”
The confession hung heavy between them. “I kept replaying it because...” He swallowed. “Because it was from you, and—I think I like you too.”
Colby's eyes widened. Sam noticed his expression changed and immediately groaned, now it was his turn to be embarrassed as he covered his face with both hands, “Wow. Saying that out loud is somehow worse than I imagined.” Sam admitted. A surprised laugh suddenly escaped Colby. “Well, now you know how I feel.”
Sam lowered his hands just enough to peek at him. “I’m trying my best here, okay?” he protested, pointing an accusing finger in Colby's direction. “Please don’t make this any more embarrassing.”
Colby lifted his hands in mock surrender, a small smile tugging at his lips. The teasing faded from his expression as he reached over and rested a gentle hand on Sam's knee. "I guess we're both idiots then, huh?"
Sam didn't answer right away. Instead, he hesitated for a moment before reaching over and resting his hand atop Colby's.
“Guess so,” Sam answered.
Silence passed between the two. It didn’t feel uncomfortable anymore.
For the first time since the talk, neither of them felt like they had to speak. Their hands remained where they were, neither one pulling away.
Colby's thumb absentmindedly brushed softly against the side of Sam's hand.
"I've..." Colby started before sighing. "I've been praying every night actually."
Sam was shocked to hear that from Colby. Sam knew about Colby’s Christian background, but it was more of a faith than anything. He didn’t think the brunette would ever pray again since childhood, especially now since the two aren’t that… innocent.
"I kept asking God to take these feelings away,” Colby continued. The confession came with a humorless laugh. "I figured if I prayed hard enough, I'd wake up and the feelings would all be gone."
Sam looked down at their joined hands, then back at Colby. "Did it work?"
Colby smiled sadly. "No."
"If anything..." He rubbed the back of his neck with his free hand. "The more I prayed, the worse I felt. I started thinking that maybe something was wrong with me. That maybe I wasn't trying hard enough." His voice dropped quieter now. "I felt guilty every time I thought about you in a different way."
Sam's heart twisted painfully. He turned his hand over until their fingers naturally intertwined. "Colbs… You shouldn’t pray the pain away.” Sam gave his hand a small squeeze.
Colby frowned slightly at those words. He never heard those words be used against prayers. If his old church ever heard Sam say that—well, things would get ugly.
"If you're hurting..." Sam searched for the right words. "Pray for peace if you want. Pray for guidance. But please Colbs, don't ask God to make you stop being you.” He paused for a second, then stared into Colby’s blue eyes, “…It’ll only keep destroying you.”
Colby stared at him. Searching Sam’s face with wide eyes.
Sam let out a nervous chuckle. "I don't know what I’m talking about really. I'm terrible at giving advice."
"No." Colby's voice spoke quickly. "You're really not." The corners of his mouth lifted in a half smile. "You always know what to say."
Sam scoffed before rolling his eyes. "I literally made that up as I went."
“Still the best advice I’ve ever heard,” Colby countered back.
Sam smiled at the compliment. For a moment the two just basked into each other’s company, liking the closeness from the other as they continued holding each other’s hand.
After another moment, Colby swallowed before speaking once more. “Can I ask you something?" he hesitated.
Sam nodded cautiously. Not knowing what the brunette will say, but trusted him enough that it won’t be anything stupid.
"Can I kiss you again?"
Sam looked into Colby's eyes for a long moment before a shy smile found its way onto his face.
"Yeah…"
Colby moved slowly, leaning in ever so slightly to give Sam a chance to change his mind. He let go of Sam's hand and instead brought both of his hands up to cradle his face, his thumbs resting lightly against his warm cheeks. Their foreheads were only inches apart when he paused. "Still okay?"
Sam answered by closing the remaining distance himself.
Colby lets out a surprised sound before melting into the kiss. Sam’s lips were so soft, so warm. Like it was his first kiss all over again.
Sam gave a small hum against their lips. His hands instinctively came up, hooking around the back of Colby’s neck, and pulling him closer. Like he didn’t want there to be any space between them.
Colby’s grip tightened slightly, his left hand detaching itself from Sam’s cheek, then went up to grasp at the soft blonde locks. Sam gasped by the slight tug of his scalp, but it was immediately replaced with a small whimper.
The kiss only lasted for a few seconds before they separated again, a string of saliva connected their lips as it hung between them. They both smiled at each other before either of them realized.
"I think..." Sam laughed under his breath. "I definitely like it now."
Colby couldn't help but laugh with him. "Good," he chuckled. "Because I do too."
The happiness only lasted a moment until Sam's expression faltered. “What… what happens now?"
Colby's smile faded. His hands dropped from Sam’s face to come rest on his lap.
Sam looked at his change of expression before redirecting himself. "I mean, what if people find out?"
The blonde swallowed slightly before continuing, "you know what Kansas is like."
He didn't need to explain further. Colby knew what he meant by that. Kansas wasn’t a home to be an openly gay individual. Although people would claim they’re changing their outdated ways, there would still be whispers. Still judgment. Still people who believed two boys couldn't love each other without it being something God had to fix.
Sam let out a quiet sigh. "I don't want people looking at us differently."
"They won't matter forever," Colby said gently, his hand reaching out to grasp at the blonde’s hand once more.
"They matter right now," Sam admitted.
Colby couldn't argue with that.
"My parents..." Sam trailed off, rubbing the back of his neck. "I don't even know how they'd react. Maybe they'd be okay. Maybe they wouldn't. I just..." He shook his head. "I don't want to find out while we're still here."
Colby nodded in understanding. "We don't have to, you know?"
Sam blinked up at him. "We’ll keep this between us," Colby continued. "Just us."
Sam searched his face. "For how long?"
“Until we’re ready,” Colby said gently. "We're already planning on moving to LA after graduation anyway," Colby added. "It's different there."
"Different how?" Sam questioned.
Colby thought for a moment before quietly adding, "Well, we'll have more freedom there." The words came out with more certainty than Colby expected.
Sam looked down at their intertwined hands. A small smile tugged at his lips, "That actually sounds... quite nice."
Colby chuckled. “Yeah, it does.”
The words echoed warmly in Sam's chest. They stayed where they were, sitting side by side in the overgrown grass with the rusted swing set at their backs, their hands still intertwined. Colby found himself looking toward the fading evening sky, taking in the last of the daylight.
"I love you, Sam." The words left Colby's mouth so quietly he almost wasn't sure he'd said them out loud.
Sam turned to look at Colby, his expression softening. After holding his gaze for a moment, he looked towards the fading sky as well, a small smile tugging at his lips. "I love you too, Colby."
For days Colby had begged God to take these feelings away. Yet somehow, they had only grown stronger. Maybe he'd been asking the wrong questions. Or maybe faith wasn't about pretending his heart didn't exist.
Maybe… This had been part of God’s plan all along.
And maybe someday, he’ll tell the world that Sam was his. ‘Cause no one knew—
how special this was.