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Carol slumped onto her bed and held her head. Today had been a hectic day. Not only was there the stress of the festival coming up, but now her daughter was going out with some tactless hooligan.
A tactless hooligan who apparently thinks it’s okay to touch other people’s things.
A tactless hooligan with no respect for the…
For the…
“Don’t you DARE finish that thought” Carol scolded herself “She’s alive. She HAS to be.”
Carol couldn’t take it anymore. She stood up and dug into her closet. “Where are they? Where are they?” She muttered to herself. It was unlike her to be a slight bit disorganized, but some days she just… couldn’t bring herself to do anything. Especially after she got home from the Town Hall, and the closet would feel miles away.
But no matter how disorganized the closet was, there was something in there she always kept. Something she always put back right where it was, no matter how heavy her body felt, how loud her thoughts were, how tired she was, she always put these objects back in the right place.
Carol’s hand brushed against something that felt like smooth plastic, and something that felt like firm, scratchy fabric. she carefully picked them up and pulled them out of the closet.
A portable dvd player, and a dvd storage holder.
Asgore and Toriel never seemed to understand why Carol was so quick to upgrade to the latest technology. “Those tapes are still perfectly good Carol!” Here “Surely that old computer has still got another few years on it” there.
Carol had given up trying to explain herself long ago. Asgore and Toriel just were never going to understand.
Tapes degrade and their footage fades. Computer hard drives burn out and take everything that they had been stored with down along with them.
Memories are forgotten.
Carol locked the door and opened the dvd case and player. She slid a disc in. She didn’t even need to look at the date. She had always put the discs back in the right order. She didn’t want to write on the discs, it might mess with the playback.
The dvd player turned on, and she heard the faint hum of a DVD playing.
The screen booted up to show a little black haired reindeer with pale fur. She shakily stood up, throwing her arms out for balance. Carol saw herself eagerly open her arms. Her hair was as bright as a golden sunbeam, and held in a ponytail. she was decked out in a colorful Christmas sweater and chunky jewelry. The only wrinkles on her face were formed from her warm bright smile.
“Come on December! You can do it! Just a few more big steps!” Carol heard herself happily encourage her daughter. If anyone else had heard it, they’d guess that it was a completely different person. “You’re almost there, Dess, just a few more steps to mommy!” She heard Rudy say.
The baby doe toddled towards her mother. Carol scooped up December and spun her around. “Hooraaaaay! You did it December! Mommy’s so proud of you!” The baby doe giggled. Carol went up to the camera, bouncing the doe. “Rudy! Rudy! Did you get that? PLEASE tell me you got it!”
A hearty laugh was heard from behind the camera, the monitor shook a little. “I got it Carol, I got it don’t worry.” The footage stopped, indicating the end of the recording.
A faint sad smile tugged on Carol’s lips. Most people today didn’t even know that the headstrong mayor of Hometown was even capable of being that happy.
If it weren’t for these DVDs, Carol wouldn’t even think she was capable of being that happy either. She replaced the dvd with a different one.
A frozen lake appeared on screen, the entire ground was covered in snow. Noelle was toddling along the ice, helped along by Rudy. Asriel was trying to keep his balance. Kris was pulling their brother along, giggling at his struggle to keep balance and trying to make him fall. December expertly skated across the ice, well, expertly for a kid, anyway.
The heavy clack of a tape-based camcorder opening was heard, and the camera shifted over to Asgore and Toriel holding hand, with Toriel using her free hand to hold the camera. “Tori, isn’t that camera a bit old? Don’t you think maybe it’s time for an upgrade?” Past Carol asked. Toriel gave an amused smile “Well, not all of us can afford the latest technology, Carol.” Carol heard her past self gasp in faux-shock “LATEST? You’re acting like compact discs were just invented yesterday!” Asgore chuckled “And you’re talking about magnetic tape like it’s ancient.”
A rough, energetic voice shouted off-camera “Mom! Mom! Watch this!” The camera turned over to December, who was excitedly waving her arms to get her mother’s attention. “I’m gonna do a triple axel!” The young deer zipped across the ice, she jumped into the air, and fell clumsily on her arm. “OWWWWWWWW!”
The camera was immediately set down, Carol saw her younger self run across the ice. “December! Baby, are you okay?” Rudy held out his hand in panic. “Carol! The ice!” His warning was too little too late though, Carol slipped onto the ice, but she still clumsily crawled towards her daughter. “Where does it hurt, are you alright?”
“Mom, are YOU okay?” Dess worriedly asked. “I thought I heard something crack!” Toriel’s voice was then heard “Maybe it’s best this isn’t recorded.” The camera then started shifting wildly, indicating Toriel was looking for the stop button. “How do you stop record- oh, found it!”
The footage stopped. Carol took out the dvd. She remembered had been so worried about Dess being hurt that she ended up breaking her hip on the ice.
Could December still get hurt? Could she still feel pain?
Or was it the opposite? Was December in a constant state of pain?
Carol shook her head, trying to snap herself out of it She placed a new DVD into the player
In the video, Dess and Noelle were proudly showing off their newly finished Angel statue. The sun was reflecting on it like holy light. Rudy's jubilant voice echoed from he speaker. "Wow girls, that's a beautiful Angel!" The camera panned over to a very nervous looking Asriel, hurriedly putting something together. "Krismas, Azzy, let's see your angel!"
"Wait! Hang on a minute, w-w-we're just putting on the finishing touches!" Kris giggled and snatched whatever Asriel was working on out of his hands. "W-wha? Kris!?"
Kris proudly showed off a pair of rainbow-colored angel wings to the camera. "Uh... Wow!" Rudy exclaimed "A tiny... invisible-to-the-naked-eye angel with... giant multicolored wings! Bold-bold artistic choice!"
Dess casually leaned into the camera's view with a mischievous smirk on her face "They were trying to make a 'God of Hyperdeath' but they only managed to make the wings." Asriel sputtered "DESS! Don't tell him that!"
Noelle's eyes lit up, as if she had been struck by a lightning bolt of inspiration. "Kris! Let's put the wings and the angel statue together! We can make a Hyperdeath Angel!" December gasped. "Elly, you're a freaking genius!" She quickly ran to the youth group art supply cabinet. "Guys! Help me find he hot glue gun!"
"Dess, wait, let me put the camera down and I'll ask Father Alvin to get it." The recording ended.
Carol slid the DVD out. She remembered when the doctors told her that Rudy would have to stay in the hospital long-term. She remembered feeling guilty for trying to pull the "I'm the mayor" card and ordering them to let Rudy come home. She only relented when the doctor's told her it that Rudy's condition was a matter of life or death.
The first day of Rudy's extended stay, Carol had brought him the Angel statue that Noelle and December made in youth group. Rudy couldn't stop saying "Are you SURE you want to keep this here honey? I know you like keeping everything the girls make at the house."
All Carol kept responding with was: "I've never been more sure of anything in my life."
In truth, Carol HAD wanted to keep the statue at home, but she couldn't bear the thought of Rudy rotting in the hospital, forgetting about The Dreemurrs, herself, Noelle, December. She had to give him SOMETHING. SOME reminder of who and what he was fighting for.
After all, he was the one who was there when the statue was made, not Carol.
Carol put another dvd into the player. The screen lit up with December's face scrunched in concentration. "Okay, let me see... is the- Oh! the red light's on, there we go!" Dess ran to the back of her room, revealing herself to be dressed up in a home-made punk outfit made with whatever she found in her closet. Asriel was also decked in punk clothing, but they were clearly borrowed from Dess. Asriel looked down at the lyrics sheet, concerned. "Dess, are you sure these lyrics are appropriate? Can I change a few things?"
Dess amusedly scoffed “What, you’d rather I sprinkle a few F-bombs in there?” she asked. Asriel blushed, looking downright scandalized by the mere suggestion. "N-nevermind! We can keep it the same!"
"That's what I thought." Dess replied. She picked up a red guitar, and a small black triangle that looked like it was made of hard lacquer. "Right, you ready?" she asked. Asriel gave a small nod. "Sweet." Dess answered. She tapped her hoof on the floor rhythmically, in a similar manner to a metronome. "1, 2. 1, 2, 3, 4!"
Dess started strumming the guitar. The acoustic tunes flowed through the dvd player's speakers like a starlit river. Dess played with the same vigor and confidence of a heavy metal rockstar on stage. Carol wondered if Dess played like that because she imagined herself in that very scenario? Spike-clad on a concert stage, in front of a crowd of fans screaming her name.
Carol would give anything to hear even one citizen of hometown say her daughter's name again, not just the month she and Rudy had named her after. She remembered back at the spelling bee championship, when she heard that word.
"DECEMBER"
When Noelle was little, She would always scream or cry whenever she got scared. But on that day, Noelle didn't cry, scream, or even whimper. She just stared ahead, falling to her knees. Carol wasn't even sure if Noelle was even looking at the crowd. She just seemed to stare into nothingness.
Asriel began to sing. He was clearly trying to sound 'metal' but his natural choir boy cadence kept slipping through.
'When the demon heart is crying, and the blood is gushing briiiiight. Raise up your bat for the burning fIIIIIIIGGGGGHHHT!" Asriel stopped and covered his mouth. Embarrassed by the voice crack. December stopped strumming and started dying laughing. "FAHAHAHAHAHAHA! What was THAT? You sounded like mouse who just inhaled a whole tank of helium!"
"D-don't laugh!" The goat said defensively. "Dad says it's perfectly natural! You know that I can't help it when my voice does that!"
December ignored his protests. She just continued to laugh. "FAHAHAHAHA! I'm sorry I'm sorry! It's just.. FAHAHAHA! The timing was just too perfect! I can't breathe! FAHAHAHAHA!"
Carol rewound the footage over and over again. Trying to burn the sound into her memory. The laugh was sharp, loud, and rough, like the edges of broken glass. It sounded like... a laugh. Carol kept replaying it. Hoping to overwrite the garbled mess of garbage noise that her eldest's laugh now sounded like.
Carol looked over at the last disc.
She always dreaded playing the last one.
But she knew she had to do it.
She couldn't let herself forget why she was doing this. She couldn't let herself forget why her daughter had turned into...that. She couldn't forget why she had made this plan.
Carol couldn't forget what she had done.
She wasn't allowed to.
Carol finally let the footage end. With shaky hands, she ejected the disc, and put the final disc in. She purposefully fiddled with the dvd player, as if she had conveniently forgotten how it worked.
Carol sighed "Don't draw it out. The sooner you do it, the sooner it will be over."
She put the disc in the player, and hit play.
The footage started with a shake, like the camera had fallen over and landed on the "record" button. The footage was off-center. Carol and December's torsos took up most of the camera. Carol heard herself screaming from the speakers, mid-rant.
"-BER HOLDIAY, YOU DO NOT TALK TO ME THAT WAY! DO YOU UNDERSTAND!?"
A scoff came through the speakers. "Oh, so you can scream at me and Elly all you want. But the minute one of us snaps back, it's 'disrespectful?' Why am I not surprised, mom?"
"Oh, do NOT pull the 'hypocrisy' card again! You know DAMN well why you can't talk to me that way!" Carol took something off the table. It was a busted up violin. "Look at this! First, you're sneaking out. Then the weird leaves. and now you're TRASHING THE INSTRUMENTS I GAVE YOU! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW EXPENSIVE THOSE WERE?!"
Carol didn't need to see the Dess's expression in the footage to know that her eyes rolled. "I don't care if they were $5 or $5000! I don't want to play those things. I WANT. TO PLAY. GUITAR!"
"But you love music! I see you playing guitar and writing songs all the time! What's wrong with the other instruments!? If you need a specific brand or they need to be tuned, I'll pay for it! Don't just trash them mindlessly."
Dess's arm was raised, to anyone else it'd be hard to tell what she was doing, but Carol could tell the girl was pinching her forehead in frustration. "Oh my fucking Angel..." She muttered. Her voice snapped back to a booming volume. "FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME! ITS NOT THE INSTRUMENTS! I PLAY GUITAR AND ENJOY IT BECAUSE I WANT TO PLAY IT!" She jabbed her finger towards the trashed violin. "I DON'T ENJOY PLAYING THAT OTHER CRAP BECAUSE YOU FORCE IT ONTO ME! HOW HARD IS THAT TO GET THROUGH YOUR THICK! FUCKING SKULL?!"
"Language! And I'm not forcing you to do anything! I'm trying to help you broaden your horizons!"
"Not that 'broaden your horizons' shit again." Dess started holding up her fingers and listing examples. "It was one thing when you signed me up for Hockey after I joined that figure skating team. Then as soon as I join the baseball team, you sign me up for every bat-based sport under the sun. Including wiffle ball, even though literally NOBODY OVER THE AGE OF 10 PLAYS WIFFLE BALL! DO YOU YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HUMILIATING IT IS TO PLAY IN A SPORTS TEAM WHERE ALL THE PLAYERS ARE 10 YEARS YOUNGER THAN YOU?!" Dess raised up her arms, exasperated. "AND NOW YOU'RE SIGNING ME UP FOR ALL THESE INSTRUMENT CLASSES BEHIND MY BACK! I BARELY HAVE TIME TO DO LITERALLY ANYTHING!"
"Alright December. If all these classes I'm signing you up for are sooooooooo inconvenient." Carol said, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "Then why didn't you just talk to me, hmm?"
"Talk to you? TALK TO YOU!? WHAT DO YOU THINK I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET YOUR ATTENTION FOR FOR PAST 3 MONTHS?! 'Hey Mom, can I talk to you about those music classes you signed me up for?' It's always either 'I'm busy." or 'Maybe later.' and when later FINALLY FUCKING COMES, IT'S IN ONE EAR OUT THE OTHER!"
"Well, I kept forgetting, okay December? I'm swamped with work every day!"
"Oh how convenient! You 'forgot'. As if you don't schedule everything down to the FUCKING MILLISECOND!"
Carol crossed her arms "So you decided to destroy your instruments. Is that it? You threw a tantrum to get my attention, like a child?"
"Well, it worked, didn't it?" December spat. "I asked nicely and that did jack shit. I wouldn't have done it if you took your head out of your ass for just 5 Angel-damn minutes!"
Carol sighed, frustrated. "I can't believe you, December." She threw up her arms again "WHY. CAN'T. YOU. JUST. TELL ME THINGS?! Why does everything have to be a big ordeal with you?"
December snapped. Her voice peaked through speakers. "BECAUSE YOU. JUST. DON'T LISTEN! YOU DON'T LISTEN TO ELLY! YOU DON'T EVEN LISTEN TO DAD! AND YOU ESPECIALLY DON'T LISTEN TO ME!"
Carol snapped too. "oh, I DON'T LISTEN?! YOU OF ALL MONSTERS HAVE THE NERVE TO SAY I DON'T LISTEN?! DECEMBER, IT IS LITERALLY MY JOB TO LISTEN TO PEOPLE!"
The screaming match seemed endless. Carol's head started to hurt. All she wanted to do was slam the dvd player right then and there. But she endured it. Her mouth felt dry as she braced herself for the worst part of the dvd. The part she always dreaded watching.
"Ugh, I feel like I'm talking to a wall." December tiredly growled through the speakers. She stormed off camera and stomped downstairs. "WHERE DO YOU THINK YOUR GOING?" Carol yelled.
"I'M GOING ON A WALK!" December shot back. "I CAN'T TALK TO YOU WHEN YOU'RE LIKE THIS!"
"Oh yeah. You can't talk to me when I'M like this. Because I'm sooooooo bad at listening." Carol said sarcastically.
Carol watched the footage with a looming dread. She knew what was coming. She knew what she was about to say next. That didn't make it any easier.
In the video, Carol turned, pointing to the front door. "You know what, December? I'm not even going to stop you. GO! Go on your little walk!"
December screamed "I WILL" and the slam of the door boomed through the speakers like a thunderclap. Carol sighed. She then finally noticed the camera and picked it up. "For Angel's sake. How long has this been recording?"
The footage finally ended.
Carol let out a shuddering breath. She slammed the dvd player and sat on the edge of the bed. She put her face in her hands. It felt like her skull was being squeezed. A tempest of emotions scattered through her head. Anger, guilt, misery, fear...and most of all, grief.
"Why..." Carol asked herself. "Why did I let her go?"
Carol stared at the other dvds. For a moment, if she squinted, she could make out December's face rather than her own reflection. A familiar phrase, one she should have said to Dess long ago, melted off of her mouth like hot, melting metal.
"December...Dess. I'm so... I'm so..."
Carol hitched a breath and stroked her hair back. "No." She internally chided. "You can say that a million times. It won't matter if she can't hear it."
Carol picked up her phone, and dialed the number at a lightning fast pace. She turned on the voice changer. She put her the phone up to her ear. Despite how heavy she felt, the reindeer strained her voice to sound as authoritative as possible.
"... don't forget, Kris..."
"... you promised."