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As much as Dennis loves Pittsburgh, there are parts of Nebraska he misses.
Doesn’t miss the house. Doesn’t miss the tension. Doesn’t miss tiptoeing around his Pa’s temper. Doesn’t miss stepping in to keep his Ma safe. Doesn’t always miss his older brothers, whose attitudes towards him ranged from cool apathy to outright torment. Doesn’t miss trying to be the perfect son and being reminded at every turn that he never would be. Because he was always wrong, broken in some fundamental way that even He couldn’t fix, no matter how many times he begged Him to. Thinks that’s why he went into medicine. To heal those that He turned His back on, because he knows what that feels like. To be scared and alone and want someone to just fix you.
No, he doesn’t miss the house. But he does miss home. Misses the fields, misses that one fence with the railing that always fell down, no matter how often they put it back up. Misses Daisy, the horse his Ma and Pa let them keep. Was the only one who ever took care of her, so she was basically his. His brothers were never into horses, not the way he was. Remembers sobbing into her mane, the day he left. Remembers saying I’m sorry, I can’t bring you with me, but you be a good girl, okay, you be good, I’ll miss you, I’m so sorry. Wonders if they even kept her, after he was gone. Probably not.
Misses the little tabby barn cat, the one he named Stella. Has no idea where she came from. Just showed up one day, half-starved. Used to sneak her the meat from his dinner, so she’d have something to eat until she was healthy again. Helped Ms. Johnson next door in her garden in exchange for some cat food, so he could keep her fed. Pa hated her, and he made sure to take her to Ms. Johnson before he left. Made her swear she wouldn’t let her outside again. Made her swear she wouldn’t let Stella anywhere near the farm, not when he wouldn’t be there to protect her. She’d promised, before she drove him to the bus station, that she’d keep her safe since he couldn’t anymore. Had sworn it on her husband’s grave, before giving him a kiss on the forehead and fare for his trip.
But what he misses most is the barn. Misses the nights when his Pa’s temper flared, turned acid words into flying fists. He’d always fled to the barn on those nights. Would hide in Daisy’s stall with her, sometimes. She always knew when something was wrong. Maybe she could smell the hurt, the fear, the blood. Would lie down, let him curl into her stomach. Would snuffle at his hair, offering the only form of comfort he ever got back then. Other nights, he’d climb up onto the roof. Sit on the edge, feet dangling over the side. Would look out over the fields, up at the stars. Would try to imagine a life where he was anywhere but where he was.
The roof of PTMC isn’t the barn back home. It’s much taller, for one, though his feet dangle over the side just as easily. And there’s no fields to gaze over, only building after building. People below who look like ants from up here. And he can’t see the stars, too much light pollution. But he can see the lights of an airplane in the distance, which he supposes is close enough. Kicks his feet, wishes Stella were here. She’d join him, sometimes, on the roof. Would curl up in his lap, try her best to keep him warm. Just two creatures no one wanted, trying their best to stay alive, to make it through one more night.
“Hey, sweetheart.”
He doesn’t startle at Robby’s voice. Knew it was coming, eventually. Knew he’d find his way up here to him, given enough time. Knows this is Robby and Abbot’s place, where they go to lick their wounds. Figured they wouldn’t mind if he used it for a little bit. Hears Robby approach, turns his head enough he can see him out of the corner of his eye. Watches as he ducks under the barrier. He doesn’t come closer, just leans back against it.
“What are you doing up there?”
“Thinking.”
“About what?”
“About home, mostly.”
“Wanna maybe think about home over here?”
“Not really.”
Robby nods, slowly comes closer. Dennis recognizes what he’s doing. Deescalation. Trying not to startle him, scared one wrong move is gonna have him jumping. Wants to explain to him that he’s not gonna do that. That that’s not why he’s up here, feet dangling one hundred and fifty feet above the ground. Isn’t here because of the siren song, the longing to make it all be quiet. Wants to explain that it’s different for him, being up here. It isn’t an end, the way it could be for Robby or Abbot. No, it’s a reminder that he got out. A reminder that he’s here and not there. That he got that other life he always wanted.
“Mind if I join you?”
“Don’t you dare. You could fall.”
He turns his head fully to look at him. Grins at Robby’s lifted eyebrow, the are you serious clear in his expression. Without a word, he twists, shuffles, so his feet are planted on the roof and he’s no longer near the edge. Looks up at Robby with a you happy now face. Watches as he exhales, relieved. Feels bad for making him worry. Holds out a hand, tugs him until he sits down on the ledge with him. Leans into his side, brings their joined hands up. Presses a kiss to the back of Robby’s hand. Feels lips on the top of his head. Tilts his chin up, kisses him because he’s here and not there, and he can.
Doesn’t have to worry about anyone finding them. Can kiss him and kiss him and kiss him and not have to worry about Pa catching them or one of his brothers seeing. Doesn’t have to worry about the broken part of himself being seen because there is no broken part. Took him a while to realize that’s why He never answered, never fixed him. Because there was nothing to fix, no jagged pieces to mend together. No inherent wrongness to correct. There was only Dennis. Only Dennis and the way He made him.
“Mel told me what happened,” Robby says, voice low, as he pulls back.
“It was nothing.”
“You should have told me.”
“It wasn’t worth being upset about.”
“Violence against healthcare workers won’t be tolerated, and that includes verbal abuse.”
Dennis shrugs, because it really wasn’t a big deal. So the guy called him a faggot. It’s not the first time he’s heard it, used to hear it all the time back in Nebraska. From his Pa, his brothers, kids at school. What was a first was hearing Mel lay into the guy. He doesn’t think he’s ever heard her be that harsh with someone, ever. It was kinda sweet, honestly, the way she came to his defense. Still so polite, but cutting all the same. Sir, we don’t use language like that in this hospital, and if you do it again, I’m going to have security escort you out, with force. It was harsh, for Mel. No cursing, but the threat of violence had been nice. So had the awkward half-hug she’d given him after, along with the promise not to make him go back into that patient’s room.
And yeah, maybe it had bothered him a little. Reminded him a little too much of days he’d rather not revisit. Which is why he came up here. Because old habits die hard, and rooftops always meant safety back home, he’d gone up, up, up. Sat on the edge, like he used to all those years ago. Kicked his feet, looked out over the city. Reminded himself he’s here and not there. Reminded himself that he’s not broken, that there’s nothing wrong with him. Had thought about Daisy and Stella and Ms. Johnson. Had let himself miss them, because they didn’t see him as something broken. They only ever loved him exactly as he was.
“Not the first time I’ve heard it. Won’t be the last, I’m sure.”
“Doesn’t make it okay.”
“Mmm.”
“You should have told me. I could have sicced Dana on him.”
“A fate worse than death. Don’t worry, Mel laid into him pretty good.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, turns out you don’t need to curse or even raise your voice to instill fear.”
“Hmm. Remind me to buy her a hot chocolate tomorrow.”
Dennis huffs out a laugh, turns to bury his face in Robby’s shoulder. Snuggles into him because he can. Feels his arm come around him, pull him harder into his side. And he loves Stella, but Robby is much warmer. Didn’t realize how cold he was until right now. Wonders how long he’s been up here. Long enough to be cold so awhile. Feels Robby squeeze him, drop another kiss onto his curls. Presses one to Robby's jaw, because it’s the only part of him he can reach without pulling away from his warmth. Does it again when Robby chuckles. Giggles a little too, cause his beard tickles. Accepts the kiss when Robby offers it, smiles into it.
“Ready to go home?”
“Yeah.”
“Thai for dinner?”
“Always.”
Robby stands first, helps him to his feet. Shrugs off his hoodie, bundles Dennis into it. Zips it for him, laces their fingers together. Tugs him towards the roof access door, pauses before he opens it to kiss him again. Dennis melts into it because he can. Because there’s no one here to see, no one to stop him, to punish him. Only him and Robby and a million stars he can’t see through the haze of the Pittsburgh lights. Just him and Robby and a hoodie two sizes too big for him. Just him and Robby and all the time in the world. Just him and Robby and the warmth between them. Just two creatures no one wanted, trying their best to stay alive, to make it through one more night.
“Hey, baby?” Dennis asks as they enter the stairwell.
“Yeah, Den?”
“What are your thoughts on us getting a cat?”
“A cat?”
“Yeah, a cat.”
“Well, I always figured I’d be a dad.”
And the cackle he lets out echoes all around them, only quieting when Robby pulls him into another kiss.