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“Alright, here we are!” Robin announces as she and Sunday enter the energetic horde of people. All around them, people are dressed in a vibrant rainbow of colors, many of them wearing colorful hats and facepaint as well. Most of them are waving rainbow flags and signs as well, and practically everyone is wearing a bright smile.
Sunday’s first impression is that it’s… a lot. The crowd’s huge, and he’s just another person within it. The people are excited and lively, and even though this isn’t really Sunday’s scene, their spirit is infectious.
Next to him, Robin, wearing vibrant colored sunglasses and a giant sunhat over her braided hair to conceal her identity, beams at him expectantly.
“It’s very lively,” he notes. “Thank you for bringing me here… er, Sparrow.”
Robin acts unfazed by the codename they’d agreed upon, but knowing his sister, she’s probably concealing a laugh. “Of course, Monday! Though… I know this must feel like a lot for you. You don’t have to pretend it’s not.”
“I’m fine,” he insists. He then remembers the agreement they’d had about not concealing their problems or worries from each other ever again. Sunday wouldn’t want to break that promise with his little sister so soon. “Well, what I meant was, it’s a lot, but I’m okay. Large, excited gatherings aren’t really my thing… but staying with the Astral Express has helped me enjoy them more. They’re fun even if they can be tiring. Also, everyone here is so spirited.”
“Okay. Just let me know when you’ve had enough,” Robin says.
They start walking through the parade, and Sunday mentally takes note of everything he sees, from the way people walk with such confidence to the way they wave at the spectators as if they’re old friends.
In truth, he feels a little out of place here.
It’s only recently that he realized he actually found men more attractive than women, and frankly, he’s not even sure if that much is even true. He can’t help but wonder if he made that up inside his head, just as a way to convince himself that he was as far from the strict Oak Family and the Order as he could possibly be. Just… some kind of silly lie to trick himself into believing he was free when he never really was.
On the other hand, Robin has been out for years. Sunday didn’t hear about it until a year after her initial post on social media coming out as sapphic, but in hindsight, it made sense. She never had the phase where she was, in Mr. Gopher Wood’s words, “a pitiful, boy-crazy clown.”
(He never liked how Gopher Wood worded that.)
“Hey, you good?” Robin asks, poking his shoulder. “We can stop by a cafe and rest for a bit, if that’s what you want.”
“My apologies,” Sunday says. “I was spacing out.”
“Hm,” Robin nods. She opens her mouth to say something, then pauses and closes it.
This confuses Sunday. Robin has always been relatively outspoken, especially compared to him. It’s rare that she second-guesses herself, at least not in a way that other people can see.
“Did you want to say something?” Sunday asks, mildly concerned about his little sister.
“Sorry,” Robin quickly responds. “I didn’t mean to worry you. I was going to ask something but…”
Her voice fades, leaving only the cheering and laughter of the crowd resounding around them.
“I’m just not sure if this is the right time or place,” Robin finally finishes. “Gosh, I made that sound so serious. It’s not anything severe or urgent. It’s fine, I just wanted to ask… You were spaced out. What were you thinking about? Were you worried that you… don’t belong here?”
Sunday smiles at Robin, which doesn’t do anything to smooth the worried crease in her brow. “Why are you so good at reading people?”
“You’re good at it, too! It just comes from years of interaction and observation and–” she pauses, narrowing her eyes at him. “Hey, don’t avoid the question. Anyways, you absolutely belong here! Nobody’s going to reject you for…” She pauses, vaguely gesturing with her hands. “… stuff? I mean, no one knows who you are.”
“But you do,” Sunday points out. “So do I. It’s not the judgement of others I’m thinking about. It’s just that… everyone here looks at home, in a way. Like they’re unafraid to show who they are, even if it’s just for this one parade. But I don’t know if this is who I am.”
Robin gives him an understanding smile, and for a moment, it pains him to think that she has to be the one listening to his troubles. However, he then thinks of their agreement. This was Robin’s choice to choose to listen to him, and they’re far from being little kids now; maybe, he should trust her decisions more.
She lightly pulls him to the edge of the parade where they step out of the moving crowd. After a bit of navigating through the spectating people, Robin somehow finds a quaint cafe that she pulls Sunday into.
Here, the people are few, and those who are there all seem to be from the festivities. Most noticeably, the loud bustle of the parade is considerably muted.
Robin takes Sunday to a window seat where they can keep watching the parade outside.
“I figured you needed a break,” she explains. “And a quieter place for us to chat.”
Sunday smiles. “Thank you, Robin. You didn’t have to. Honestly, I didn’t even realize I needed this. I… appreciate the gesture.” He pauses, suddenly remembering the time March 7th playfully yelled at him for “always being so formal and using big words nobody understands.” Dan Heng responded to her with something like, “Don’t generalize that to everyone if you don’t understand.”
It’s an entertaining memory, though he’s not sure why he just thought of it.
“I didn’t realize the parade would overwhelm you,” Robin continues. “I didn’t think of the unnecessary stress or worries it would cause. I’m sorry, S– Monday, I should’ve thought of that.”
“Don’t stress yourself out over this,” Sunday says. “You don’t have infinite foresight. Honestly, even I didn’t expect this. Don’t–” He pauses, chuckling to himself. “Don’t become too much like me, okay?”
Robin blinks in surprise before laughing. “You’re funnier than I remember you to be. It seems the Astral Express really has been taking good care of you.” She pauses, expression sobering. “But… what were you thinking about?”
Sunday sighs. He feels a lot more awkward now that he has to speak his thoughts out loud. “I don’t really know if…” He stops himself and restarts. “A pride parade is a way to celebrate identity, right? People march for their right to be who they are. That’s a beautiful thing.”
“It is,” Robin agrees.
“But in a way, I’m not sure my identity is something… real. Seeing everyone here makes me wonder if my identity is something I imagined just to fit in. What I mean is, everyone here looks so free and proud to show their identity even if they can’t elsewhere. I don’t know if my identity is something I made up just to pretend I’m free from…”
His voice trails off, but he can tell from Robin’s expression that she knows exactly what he’s talking about, even with her disguise on.
“I think I get what you mean. You’re wondering if it’s something you found in yourself, or something you wanted to find, right?”
“I suppose,” Sunday sighs. “It… doesn’t really make sense, does it? It’s not like queer people have ever been treated equally, at least, not in any of the major nations across the cosmos. It’s never been something desirable.”
“I don’t know if this will help you,” Robin admits, “but I don’t think a queer identity is something you can ‘trick’ yourself into believing. In any case, it’s okay to be unsure. It’s okay to not know what you want or to be filled with uncertainty. After all, identity is something that changes and grows along with us, as people. If you realize tomorrow that you don’t feel the way you do today, that’s okay. It doesn’t make what you feel now invalid. Whatever you feel right now is always valid. And if you don’t know what you feel, then that’s okay too. Oh, and one more thing. Don’t assume that everyone else has it figured out, too.”
Sunday blinks in surprise. “I’m starting to think you’re using tuning on me.”
Robin lets out a relaxed chuckle. “Don’t worry, big brother. I would never peer into your thoughts that way. Besides, you’re way better at it than me. You’d stop me before I’d get a peak at a single thought of yours.”
She shakes her head with a smile. “Anyways, here’s what I meant to say: I bet half the people at this parade don’t have themselves all figured out the way you’d think they might.”
They both pause to look outside. The people are still marching with the same pride and energy that they had been when he and Robin left. She’s right: If Sunday used tuning on this crowd, he’d imagine a surge of varying desires and emotions, each with their own conflicts and comforts.
“You don’t need to be a perfect human to have the right to be proud of yourself. Being a mess of a person is okay. It’s okay to be unlabeled, too. Just… don’t think that you are a fraud just because you don’t see everything clearly yet. You don’t even ever have to achieve that perfect clarity because we, as people, aren’t perfect.”
She pauses, staring at the table before looking at Sunday again. “I’ve talked a lot, but I hope this helped at least a little?”
Sunday nods. “It did. I feel more comfortable now. Thank you, R– Sparrow. Do you want to order something from the cafe? Your throat must be sore.”
She smiles in response. “Really?”
He pauses, realizing the irony of what he said.
Robin just laughs at him. “Sorry,” she giggles, “Didn’t mean to laugh. Sure, I’d love to order something. Let’s go see what they have~”