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Since highschool, Kageyama always stuck to those he was closest to, in which consisted of; Hinata, Yachi, Yamaguchi, and very unfortunately, Tsukishima.
He and Tsukishima's very first meeting was memorable for sure, but in a bad way. Ever since then, the two never stopped bickering. But, after a while, the bickering turned more.. affectionate, rather than irritating. It was weird, really weird. What was especially weird was when Kageyama started actually caring for Tsukishima, he was sure he hated him, hated his face, hated his voice, his laugh, his stupid smirk, everything. So, why did he find them endearing? Everytime Tsukishima laughed, smiled while teasing him, his heart would feel weird. Beating uncontrollably, while his face felt hot.
It was something Kageyama wasn't used to at all. I mean, all he's ever known is volleyball. The more he and Tsukishima hang out, the more his heart would pound in his chest, but for what reason? Kageyama was sure, sure that he wasn't.. that he doesn't have feelings for Tsukishima. Why would he? Again, they hate each other. But, it felt different. Tsukishima's eyes visibly softened at the sight of Kageyama, even while teasing him. Was this still hate? Feelings are confusing.
The first time the two hung out with each other was awkward to say the least. Now that the other first years weren't there, they didn't know how to act around each other. Tsukishima muttered an insult under his breath which resulted in their usual bickering, Kageyama never felt.. happier? Why did he feel happy? He's with someone he hates, someone he despises, so why should he feel happy about being stuck with him?
His feelings only got more complicated the more they were together, every little thing Tsukishima did sent a jolt through Kageyama's heart. He wasn't supposed to be feeling this way, he refused to acknowledge it. He completely avoided Tsukishima, which unfortunately went noticed by the guy in question. That time was the most confusing moment of his life.
When Tsukishima confronted Kageyama about it, all his feelings just poured out. His uncomfortably beating heart whenever he sees Tsukishima, the hot feeling on his cheeks, the unconscious care for the blonde, the "hate" he apparently has for him. Tsukishima stood frozen that time, simply staring down at the shorter guy in front of him. Tsukishima was smarter than Kageyama, so he immediately understood whatever the setter was babbling about. Tsukishima placed his hands on Kageyama's shoulders, holding him steady as he looked into his eyes.
The words "I like you, too." escaped Tsukishima's mouth, making Kageyama freeze instantly. The two stood in awkward silence, just staring into the others' eyes. Kageyama didn't even know he was crying until Tsukishima panicked about it. The blonde wrapped his arms around the shorter, pulling him into a tight hug. It was obvious Tsukishima wasn't used to physical affection, his hands were unsure of where to rest on Kageyama's back. The sudden embrace only made the setter cling on to the middle blocker, crying into his shoulder as he babbled something along the lines of "stupid", "no", and other things incoherent.
Kageyama jolted awake, sitting upright on his bed next to Hinata. He glanced at his "boyfriend's" sleeping face, his gaze filled with guilt. The setter place his head in his hands, the same dream over and over again. Starting from the very first time he met.. Tsukishima, and ending with his "confession". It was all too repetitive, too much.
Kageyama stood from he and Hinata's shared bed, head pounding as he directed his walking to the kitchen. His thoughts were filled with him. When were they not? He felt the sudden pang of hurt hit his heart, remembering his sister's words; "Tobio, I know you like him, but he isn't good for you. I've seen the way he treats you when no one else is around, he treats you like you don't even have feelings at all! Break up with him, 'bio. I won't ask you again."
He never wanted this, he never wanted to be with Hinata, he never wanted to let go of Tsukishima. But what can he do? He can't just go against his sister, she knows best after all. But, does best have to hurt this much?
"Tobio? Why are you awake? Come back to bed." Hinata muttered from behind, yawning. Kageyama flinched at his voice, guiltily wishing it was Tsukishima's instead.
"Yeah, I'll be there." Hinata simply nodded, turning his heel and heading back into their room. Kageyama slumped to the floor, tears pouring out of his eyes as he sobbed. His heart hurts, it hurts so much. Why couldn't it have just been you? I already had you, I already had you in my arms. Why did I have to let you go?
Tsukishima was happy, happy with Yamaguchi. Past is past, right? He doesn't have to deal with Kageyama anymore, he doesn't have to think of him anymore, doesn't have to.. love.. him anymore.. But, why does his heart feel empty? Like, a piece of him was lost. He's happy, is he not? Happy with the way Yamaguchi treats him, happy.
Back then, he and Kageyama always got into fights— playful ones —which always resolved in them laughing in each other's faces then either hugging or kissing. It was.. all he ever wanted. All he was used to. They were both each others' first. First relationship, first kiss, first time, first everything.
Yamaguchi's head rested on Tsukishima's lap, peacefully asleep while Tsukishima mindlessly scrolled on his phone. It was late, midnight late to be exact. He froze, blinking. He snatched his glasses from his bedside table, clumsily putting them on as his vision focused.
His eyes landed on Kageyama, Kageyama Tobio of all people. Then suddenly, all of his pushed back feelings rushed forward. It was a picture Oikawa posted on Instagram, him at his house hosting what seemed to be a party. Oikawa's arm was slung over Kageyama's shoulders, who seemed to be pretty out of it.
Kageyama was pretty, so, so pretty. When was he not? All of the longing he had for Kageyama rushed back, tears daring to fall. Tsukishima wished he was Oikawa in that picture, wished he was next to Kageyama, wished he was still with Kageyama. Then, finally, his eyes glanced towards Yamaguchi. Guilt flashed in his eyes, he thought he was over Kageyama, thought he was done with him now. But, why? Why did he have to haunt him once more?
Tsukishima and Kageyama both devised the same thought, they were both breaking up with their boyfriends.
Kageyama couldn't dare to fool Hinata, he's been his best friend since highschool. He refuses to lead anyone on, at least, not anymore.
Tsukishima was filled with guilt, he's been friends with Yamaguchi for years, possibly decades now. He won't let Yamaguchi cling onto someone who doesn't even feel the same way he does.
It's guilt, regret, and longing that's only for the two of them to drown in. Bringing in others would only fuel regret and guilt even more. It's disgusting, really.