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Shadow Milk doesn't linger. He knows well when he isn't fully invited. He doesn't wish to remain, regardless of how Pure Vanilla had subtly tried to reassure his friends that things are different now.
Things are not different now. Shadow Milk is still the terror he used to be… just limited by his own health. He truly despises this, but what he despises most is the sad glance Pure Vanilla must not have realized Shadow Milk caught.
The topic of their little get-together is the last thing he wants to chat and cry over, anyway.
White Lily.
Shadow Milk doesn't feel guilty about it. He didn't kill her. He didn't kill Elder Faerie, either. But despite their well wishes, despite Pure Vanilla, the other three ancient heroes have always been apprehensive about him and the topic of her. To be fair, he despises White Lily.
She had taken ownership of his jail when Elder Faerie gave up his own life. She had been the one to reseal the tree, to keep him trapped for longer.
And now, she's dead. And he didn't do it.
The Vanilla Kingdom had already had it's celebration of life for her. Shadow Milk hadn't attended that, either, but he didn't exactly have a choice in that matter. Even if he'd been awake, he still would have chosen the same.
But what the heros are having is private. A sharing of memories.
It's certainly not grief that tinges Shadow Milk's scowl as he begins to sew again. He'd bothered Pure Vanilla into finding him fabric, scissors, and needles and thread. He's going to get back into making dolls, at least. He's going to relearn his precision and re-embrace his craft.
He isn't going to think about White Lily. He isn't going to think about how every hidden or partially obscured photo in Pure Vanilla's room is White Lily. He isn't going to think about her at all, or the fact that he hates her.
He isn't going to think of her. He is going to think only of his dolls. He is going to… going to… he isn't going to feel guilty. He didn't kill her. Technically, she killed herself! She had to have known that killing Dark Enchantress would signal her own end as well.
He needs to stop thinking about her. He is going to stop thinking about her. He-
He hisses as the needle's tip scrapes against his skin, drawing blood and making him freeze.
When Pure Vanilla checks in on him, he finds Shadow Milk staring at blood that's dried on his thumb. He hasn't moved an inch since he accidentally stabbed himself. He can still see her death in his mind, the other beasts already gone from Dark Enchantress' and Silent Salt's betrayal, and White Lily beginning to fade, her body crumbling into the wind as fate took her too.
Pure Vanilla is quiet. Heavy with the weight of grief as he sits down beside Shadow Milk in his room. A hand reaches out, and Shadow Milk stares as that single, tiny wound is healed. When Pure Vanilla pulls away, Shadow Milk sighs, licking the droplet of blood to rid himself of it. "Did you want something, Pure Vanilla?"
Pure Vanilla says nothing for a few long seconds. "I missed your presence, my apologies."
"Don't apologize for something stupid like that." Shadow Milk hisses, setting the needle, thread and fabric neatly to the side.
The air is tense with something unspoken. Pure Vanilla is surely looking at him with a strange expression, something remorseful that he's been hiding and suppressing since Timekeeper dragged Shadow Milk's limp body back into this timeline.
"Pure Vanilla?"
"Hm?"
"Tell me about her."
Pure Vanilla hesitates. "Are you sure? I know you aren't exactly fond of-"
"I'm sure." Shadow Milk turns to look at him, hoping his sincerity is visible on his face. "Just… I think it will do us both some good."
The hero still hesitates. Then- "I really think if things were different, you two would have been good friends."
"Really?" Shadow Milk asks, not to doubt his other half but to hide the feeling of something cracking within.
"Really." Pure Vanilla's smile is audible in his tone. "White Lily had this capacity for knowledge and learning that I've never seen in anyone else. When we used to sneak into the forbidden section of the library, she looked at me with this smile that always eased my worries, which always made getting caught by the teachers feel a little jarring."
"Ooh, so both of you were bad students."
"I suppose we're were considered bad students…" Pure Vanilla huffs, closing his eyes. "There was a time when we parted, and on the day of my coronation I finally saw her again. I didn't fully understand why until later, but that was one of my happiest days, just from seeing her again."
Shadow Milk swallows something bitter, an emotion he doesn't quite wish to put a name to.
"I wish I knew her better." Pure Vanilla mutters his shoulders sinking. "I couldn't tell any of them, not Dark Cacao, not Golden Cheese, not Hollyberry, but it really feels like I never truly understood her. I loved her without knowing her. I don't know."
Loved. Shadow Milk had known. It had been blatantly obvious from the start, but…
"I don't… I don't think I would have realized I loved you if I hadn't fallen in love with her first." Pure Vanilla mutters, wiping his eyes. "I'm sorry if that sounds strange."
"Don't apologize." If Shadow Milk's voice cracks oddly, it isn't because of the odd emotion swirling in his chest. Pure Vanilla likely doesn't realize what that statement sounds like. Idiot.
"Sorry."
Shadow Milk huffs, leaning against Pure Vanilla's shoulder. "Idiot."
"I know."
Pure Vanilla only stays silent for a bit.
"You were lost in thought when I arrived."
"Nothing good enough to share."
"Would you share it if I asked nicely?" Pure Vanilla smiles. "I could use a distraction."
"It was about White Lily." Shadow Milk admits, dropping his body down to rest in Pure Vanilla's lap. That, at least, will keep him here. "Not much of a distraction from her if I'm thinking of her."
"Tell me." Pure Vanilla whispers.
"I don't feel guilty at all about her." Shadow Milk closes his eyes as Pure Vanilla's hands cup his head. "I don't have a reason to. Her actions were her own. But I feel strange."
"Not guilt, but something adjacent." Pure Vanilla confirms softly.
"No… maybe? I don't know." He crosses his arms, the indignation a sharp ache. "It's like… anger? I guess?"
"Perhaps… you feel as if you missed out on something because she's gone." Pure Vanilla suggests, his tone soft as he cards his hands through Shadow Milk's bangs. "You are allowed to feel grief too, Bluebird."
"I'm not upset at her death."
"You aren't happy either."
Shadow Milk opens his eyes just to roll them, only to find himself face to face with Pure Vanilla's tears. "C'mon, you idiot, don't cry on me." He lifts his hand, swiping his thumb just beneath Pure Vanilla's eye to wipe at least some of the tears before they fall onto him. "That's what your stupid friends came here for, so you four can all cry and mope and celebrate her memory together."
"You're right, but you're forgetting something." Pure Vanilla chuckles, clenching his eyes shut with a small grin. "They aren't you, Bluebird."
Shadow Milk pauses. This is infuriating, this echo of a feeling he shouldn't be having, this grief Pure Vanilla thinks he sees in him… and the sap of a king, seeking the comfort of the Beast of Deceit…
Why does he feel trapped? He could easily wiggle his way out of Pure Vanilla's hold. He could make another portal, though it would drain his energy. He could escape. He still can escape.
Walls that Pure Vanilla did not build purposefully are closing around them, and Shadow Milk has the choice to break them down and ruin this peace.
"She would scold you for taking me in like this."
"I know."
"She'd question your state of mind for falling in love with me."
"I know."
"White Lily and I would not be friends."
"I know." Pure Vanilla hums, closing his eyes. "But if things were different, I truly believe you two would be."
"Whatever you say." Slowly, Shadow Milk untangles himself from Pure Vanilla’s hold. Needle in hand once more, he finds his hold on the doll is awkward while laying down. Too awkward. "You are infuriating. You know that?"
It's enough to pull a genuine laugh out of Pure Vanilla's tearful expression. "I'm aware, Bluebird. I hope you don't mind."
"I mind a lot."
Slowly, Pure Vanilla lifts him up, pouting despite the fact that he's the one choosing to stand. "They are likely waiting for me. Sorry, Bluebird."
"Yeah, go on. Leave me." Shadow Milk rolls his eyes, pointing his needle at him. "They need you more than I do."
"Bluebird?"
Shadow Milk looks up as Pure Vanilla grasps his hand. Gently, the hero kisses the back of it, all the care in the world with one action. "Thank you."
And Shadow Milk can only stare as Pure Vanilla leaves.
Pure Vanilla is an idiot. Even in grief, he lathers Shadow Milk with unearned affection. Pathetic. Insufferable. But… maybe that's just Pure Vanilla.
Later, Pure Vanilla coaxes him into the dining hall with the other three ancient heroes. Words must have been exchanged since then, because they don't look with Shadow Milk with as much hesitation as before. They're still talking, still sharing their memories of White Lily. And Shadow Milk is here, allowed to listen. Allowed to share this space.
Hollyberry has brought a couple bottles of wine. Golden Cheese procured five golden goblet each one decorated with the shape of vines and the shape of the soul jam of freedom etched into the base. Shadow Milk doesn't get one. He doesn't expect to, but no one complains when Pure Vanilla sneaks away and back again to get him a regular glass. Hollyberry even pours more into his glass when it empties.
The fifth golden goblet is placed at the empty seat at the table and filled with wine.
He shouldn't be allowed to share this space with them, to share this grief. To share these memories. He even thinks he sees Dark Cacao's eternal frown crack into a smile as Golden Cheese loudly recites a memory with her eyes closed.
White Lily would have been happy to see this, he thinks. Not him, of course, but the heroes. That complicated mind of hers would have likely found some temporary peace here.
And they talk. Pure Vanilla's words are always followed by a small, soft silence, as if he is leaving room for Shadow Milk to add something on. An hour passes, maybe two, and Golden Cheese is still blabbering, her stories of White Lily growing less and less concise. Dark Cacao's nodding has become less frequent, and Shadow Milk is positive the man is teetering on the edge of passing out. Hollyberry had been refilling all of their goblets and his glass, and Shadow Milk had watched as Dark Cacao failed to notice his goblet never fully emptied.
Hollyberry, of course, drank the most out of everyone, yet her absurdly high level of alcohol tolerance ensured the only effect so far was the flush on her cheeks. At least Shadow Milk knows to never challenge her to a drinking contest. He'd lose, and probably quickly too.
When the natural silence lingers for a little too long, Pure Vanilla glances over at him. Shadow Milk can't deny that something has been boiling on the edge of his tongue. A hand grips his beneath the table, reassuring, a thumb brushing over his knuckles in a grounding motion he's not entirely sure is for him.
"I think White Lily was an idiot." Shadow Milk keeps his eyes on the table, knowing that that sudden rustle of feathers is Golden Cheese reacting negatively to his words. "A smart idiot, I guess. She was able to track down Silent Salt pretty quickly… and she convinced that traitor to work with her to defeat Dark Enchantress." Even though that involved killing the rest of the Beasts. "I don't know where Silent Salt got the idea to stab me-" Self-defense, Shadow Milk had fully intended to kill him for what he was doing- "But she somehow knew before Dark Enchantress had enacted her final plan that us beasts and our soul jams would be needed for it. She was smart… I guess smarter than I was when it came to Dark Enchantress."
"Must you dishonor her memory like that?" Dark Cacao mutters, but doesn’t protest when Hollyberry leans heavily against him, her goblet in hand.
"Cacao, he called her a smart idiot! His memory is still a memory." She scolds him, and when Dark Cacao sighs Shadow Milk doesn't quite know what to say next.
"A smart idiot." Golden Cheese laughs, wiping at her eyes. "Yeah, alright, that's fair.
"And…" Shadow Milk sighs, leaning forward. "I suppose she did look good in that white dress."
"White dress?" Golden Cheese shoots up, leaning over the table. "She was in a white dress? When? Did she-"
"It was some weird magic bullshit when she used Elder Faerie's power to seal me back into the Silver Tree. Lots of butterflies. Not a marriage, don't worry your little feathers off!"
Well, he didn't mean to say all of that, but he'll gladly take another sip of wine. Right, wine affects judgment. Oh well. "Besides, I'm like half sure she had something going on with Elder Faerie. They kept looking at each other while they were fighting me. It was annoying."
Dark Cacao's eyes widen, and maybe, just maybe, that's what let's him keep talking. He speaks of what little he knew of her, not holding back on his vague insults. Some of them, Pure Vanilla laughs at, which results in the prickly glares of the other three dissolving.
His words are being understood. He d despises this, but doesn't fight it. Next time, he'll burn down the castle or something, but now the five of them are likely to drunk to get out in time…
He finishes his glass, nearly flinching when Hollyberry is leaving over the table, filling his glass without question. He's out of things to say, but they seem to have taken this as an opportunity. White Lily’s less than glamorous memories pour out between them, and all are met with miles or chuckles. She'd likely be embarrassed if she'd been here, but she isn't.
White Lily is gone, and her wine remains filled to the brim.
The meeting comes to a natural end when Dark Cacao's head finally hits the table, the sound of his crown falling into the wood echoing in the room. Hollyberry laughs, standing to haul him over her shoulder, her crown in his hands. "Same rooms as last time?"
"Everything is prepared." Pure Vanilla hums, wobbling slightly as he stands. "Golden Cheese, you recall where yours is, right?"
"Uh huh, down that way… and to the right?" Golden Cheese drawls, slumped over as she stares at the fifth goblet. Pure Vanilla helps her up with a chuckle, glancing at Shadow Milk with a look Shadow Milk can only describe as overly fond, if a little flushed from the alcohol.
"I'll be right back, Bluebird." Pure Vanilla's tone is soft. Too soft. Too warm. The least drunk sounding out of all of them, surprisingly.
Shadow Milk watches silently as Pure Vanilla helps Golden Cheese to her room. White Lily’s goblet remains, untouched since it had first been filled. It's tempting.
When Pure Vanilla returns, he looks at the goblet too and sighs. He grabs it gently, staring at it for a long moment before turning to the balcony doors. Shadow Milk stands, following him out with unsteady legs.
"She struck me as the type to hate being wasteful."
"She would have hated the fact that we poured this for her in the first place." Pure Vanilla hums, his eyes closed. "She would have been upset that Hollyberry filled it to the top, but if she'd actually been here it would have been poured half full."
"She didn't like drinking?"
"She didn't mind. I think she mostly did it so Hollyberry and Golden Cheese would stop pestering her to join us."
Pure Vanilla lifts the goblet to the wind, a silent toast to someone who can't see it, then turns it on it's side, letting the wine slowly spill out into the gardens below.
"But, Hollyberry was likely thinking about all the drinking White Lily is going to miss out on."
"Of course she was." Shadow Milk rolls his eyes, staring at the sight. "Still upset?"
"I'm feeling a lot better now, if that's what you're asking."
"Why would I ask that?"
Pure Vanilla huffs. When the goblet finally empties, he brings it back inside, setting it down in White Lily’s spot at the table before turning to Shadow Milk. "I'd like to get some sleep tonight. Join me?"
"You are insufferable. Needy." Shadow Milk hisses. "You know that, right?"
"I suppose I am… if that is alright with you."
"Shut up."
Shadow Milk follows him through the castle halls, his frown only growing as he watches Pure Vanilla's hair drift behind him. He shouldn't feel more comfortable after this. Maybe it's the wine. It has to be the wine. "I think you're still an idiot. Them too. All of you are idiots."
"You might be right." Pure Vanilla shifts on his heels in front of his bedroom door. "But, that just means you are too for indulging us."
Shadow Milk stares as Pure Vanilla enters, the door remaining open in wait for him to step in and close it. The first sweater Shadow Milk had been given rests on the side table, neatly folded and awaiting him. He wants to put it back on, to once again be formless and shapeless. To be less… him.
Pure Vanilla glances back at him, flushed face and all, and by some strange instinct Shadow Milk steps inside and shuts the door behind him. He grabs the sweater and retreats into the bathroom, carefully standing away from the mirror's gaze as he swaps the two acts of love he despises. Pure Vanilla, in his lighter sleep robes, greets him with a hug when Shadow Milk exits the bathroom.
He should leave. He shouldn't keep Pure Vanilla's hopes up like this. But… Pure Vanilla is tipsy. He's still not sure how Pure Vanilla handles his drinks, but Shadow Milk doesn't want to leave him and find out he retains no memories of being left in the morning.
How idiotic, for the Hero of Truth to fall in love with the Beast of Deceit.
Shadow Milk silently allows Pure Vanilla to guide him to the bed, and when Pure Vanilla holds him from behind as if he were some sort of plush he doesn't protest. He feels small like this, not necessarily trapped, but something close. Adjacent. Something… something he isn't sure he despises, despite the fact that he desperately wants to.
He should end this. He should want to end this… and maybe what really terrifies him is that he can't decide if he wants to.
The morning comes slowly. Pure Vanilla pretend to be much more awake than he is, but Shadow Milk watches him flinch at loud noises. At the very least, he knows he won't complain, at least not in the same intensity of Dark Cacao's glare at Hollyberry.
Breakfast is quiet but not tense. Most of the heros are slightly subdued from their hangovers, but conversation flows softly. It's a goodbye of sorts, a morning of mentally sorting themselves in each others presence before they have to return to their kingdoms. Shadow Milk is oddly included, and here and there Pure Vanilla and Hollyberry will turn to him and ask him for what he'd do in a certain situation or something stupid he'd deny answering if his head wasn't hurting.
Before they leave, Pure Vanilla guides the heros to the flower gazebo in the gardens, just outside the view from the front of the castle. Shadow Milk had known what it was the moment he'd seen it in Pure Vanilla's memories, but everyone else takes a deep breath in at the sight of the white lilies coating it. Golden Cheese is the one who asks, and Pure Vanilla agrees, setting down the fifth goblet right there on one of the seats.
Shadow Milk doesn't push himself in. He doesn't force himself to participate. He just lets put a small sigh, giving space for the memory of someone he should have destroyed.
"In another life, we would have been good rivals." Shadow Milk finally says to Pure Vanilla after the hero had seen his friends off. "The only thing we'd agree on would likely be you."
"I would make sure you two were friends."
"We both would have tore you apart." Shadow Milk crosses his arms. "Well, I would have. White Lily would be too weak for that."
"Thank you for coming to dinner with us." Pure Vanilla's chuckle is soft, a warmth that Shadow Milk hates to hear. "You didn't have to."
'You didn't give me a choice.' He's tempted to say. "I did it for the wine. You've drunken wine from Hollyberry's Kingdom, you can understand that."
"Of course." Pure Vanilla hums, lifting his hands. Shadow Milk watches as Pure Vanilla's eyes close, watches as the hero of light blindly hopes for Shadow Milk to offer his hands to be grabbed. "But you stayed. You spoke of her."
Shadow Milk's jaw tightens. Once more, White Lily and the thought of her hangs heavy in the air, like a string wrapped ever tighter around his neck. He hates this habit of Pure Vanilla's, this tendency to look beneath Shadow Milk's mask and assume the heart beneath is still beating. It's not, Shadow Milk knows. It's just a tangled mess of bitter pride and the soul jam of deceit keeping him alive.
"She was an idiot. I spoke the truth." Shadow Milk mutters, looking away from that blinding light in front of him. He does not comply with Pure Vanilla's silent request to hold hands. He's not pathetic. "Stubborn, over-achieving, self-righteous, soft idiot who would do whatever it took to fix her mistake, obsessive to the point of her own demise." Shadow Milk pauses when his tone drops an octave, and he bites his lip. "I wonder if she realized I was still alive in the pile of dead beasts."
"I don't think she did. I didn't until I realized what exactly the Light of Solidarity was aiming for." Pure Vanilla sighs, stepping just a bit closer to stand by his side. "The day was a lot. White Lily died, I thought you had died… the body you left us to find was too convincing. I really thought I lost you too that day."
"But you didn't." Shadow Milk mutters. "I'm too stubborn to die. I was too busy enacting my plans on this rotten existence to die."
He… he can't exactly tell Pure Vanilla how much he misses it, either. That body he'd ended up with, his tangle of arms too attention-grabbing for anyone to look anywhere else. The eyes that leaked from his face, another distraction.
"But you haven't left yet."
Shadow Milk turns to level his harshest glare at Pure Vanilla. He doesn't know if its affective or not, not past the longing in Pure Vanilla's eyes. So, he walks away. "I'm sleeping alone tonight. You're too clingy."
If Pure Vanilla has an far too soft response, Shadow Milk doesn't stay to hear it. He locks himself in his room and picks up the needle and thread once more, focusing on his dolls rather than the cold of his hands.