Archive of Our Own

In every universe, I long for you. In every lifetime, I choose you.

Ron no longer remembered how many lives he had lived, nor how many times he had walked this earth.

For centuries, he wandered through the world like a lost soul searching for something,

Or someone.

He lived for a single purpose: to wait for that person to return. To be born again and again until fate brought them back to him.

And so he waited.

Through passing years, changing cities, and lifetimes that blurred together. He waited for the moment their paths crossed once more.

Because in every universe, in every lifetime, it had always been him.

And it always would be.

Even after centuries had passed, Ron still loved him. Time had never managed to dull his feelings, nor had it lessened the ache of longing that lingered in his chest. If anything, it had only become a part of him, woven so deeply into his existence that he could no longer tell where the love ended and where he began.

He remembered their final moments together as clearly as if they had happened yesterday.

The trembling smile, the warmth of his hand slowly slipping away from Ron's grasp, and the promise they had made to each other in the face of an inevitable goodbye.

“Let’s meet again.”

The promised they made to meet again, to find each other again one more time.

They would find each other and fall in love all over again. Again. And again. Just like before.

Ron had clung to those words ever since.

Years passed. Then decades. The world changed around him in ways he could no longer keep count of. Kingdoms vanished from history, cities transformed beyond recognition, and generations lived and died before his eyes. Yet through all of it, Ron remained.

He waited. He searched. And he hoped.

His lover continued to leave him behind, lifetime after lifetime.

Every time Ron found him, every time he fell in love with him again, fate eventually took him away. A different name. A different face. A different life. Yet the same soul.

And every single time, Ron loved him.

Perhaps that was the curse of immortality. It wasn't the endless years or the loneliness that came with them. It was having to watch the person he loved die over and over again while he stayed behind. Unable to follow. Unable to join him.

Because Ron never died.

He simply remained on this earth, carrying memories that no one else remembered and promises that only he still kept.

He continued to wander through the centuries, chasing the faint hope that somewhere, in another lifetime, he would find him again.

After all, in every universe and every life he had lived, Ron had only ever loved one person.

And no amount of time would ever change that.

Won’t you let me in? It’s our secret

An attraction you can't resist

The moment his eyes met those familiar gray ones, Ron knew.

It was him.

The soul he had spent decades searching for.

His love. His only love.

Nearly fifty years had passed since Ron had last seen him, yet recognition came instantly, as naturally as breathing. Lifetimes could change a person's face, their name, even the way they spoke, but the soul remained the same.

Ron would recognize that soul anywhere.

His entire body froze. The bustling streets of Tokyo seemed to disappear around him, It all faded into the background until there was nothing left but those gray eyes staring back at him.

He wanted to tell him how much he had missed him. He wanted to pull him into his arms and hold him close.

He really wanted to tell him that he had spent the last fifty years searching every crowded street, every unfamiliar city, hoping for a glimpse of him.

The words died in his throat. He couldn't bring himself to do anything. Because he knew that the love standing right in front of him had no memory of him. To him, Ron was just a stranger.

"Are you okay?"

The voice sent a painful ache through Ron's chest. He remembered that voice, it somehow unchanged by time. The recognize the warmth and gentleness. The instinctive concern that had always belonged to him.

Ron blinked and realized he was still sitting on the ground.

It had been a stupid accident. Distracted by his own thoughts, he had been walking through one of Tokyo's busiest streets and collided with someone in the crowd. The impact had sent him stumbling backward before he lost his balance completely.

And now the person he had been waiting half a century for was standing in front of him, offering him a hand.

"People can be so rude sometimes," he muttered, glancing toward the crowd. "Walking around without watching where they're going." Then he looked back at Ron, concern softening his expression. "You're okay, right?"

Ron stared at the outstretched hand.

Fifty years.

He had waited for fifty years.

Fifty years of loneliness. Fifty years of living without him. Fifty years spent carrying memories that belonged to only one of them.

Every day, every year, he had wondered if they would ever meet again.

And now he was here, standing right in front of him.

Smiling at him with the same smile that keep haunted his dream every night. Completely unaware that he had already been the center of Ron's universe for several lifetimes.

With trembling fingers, Ron reached for his hand. Feeling a familiar warmth. It hit him with nostalgic feelings.

"I'm okay. Thanks."

At last, Ron managed to find his voice.  He let his love pull him back to his feet, their hands clasped together for a brief moment that felt far too precious.

It seemed that no matter what lifetime they found themselves in, his love was always shorter than him. The thought almost made him laugh.

Almost. Instead, it only deepened the ache in his chest.

How he had missed him.

"Oh." Concern immediately crossed his love's face. "Your hand. It's bruised."

Ron glanced down. He had only been wearing a short-sleeved shirt, leaving the scrape on his arm fully visible. A little blood stained his skin where he had hit the pavement.

Earlier, he had gone out for a walk in hopes of quieting his restless thoughts. Thoughts that had, as always, circled back to the same person. Never in a million years had he expected the universe to be so kind.

Yet here he was. Standing right in front of love.

"No, it's okay," Ron said gently. "It doesn't hurt."

"But you're bleeding."

The concern in his voice made Ron's heart ache.

It was adorable. Even now, even when Ron was nothing more than a stranger to him, he still cared. Still worried and reached out to help. Some things never changed.

"I'll treat it later." Ron assured him.

The scrape truly didn't hurt. Not compared to the wound he had carried for the last fifty years. Not compared to the endless longing that had grown inside him with every passing day they spent apart.

His love frowned. "No. Let's find a convenience store and get something for that."

Before Ron could protest, warm fingers wrapped around his hand, and then he was being led through the crowded streets of Tokyo.

Ron stared at their joined hands.

His love didn't know him. Didn't remember him. Didn't know about the promises they had made beneath a starlit sky lifetimes ago.

Didn't know that Ron had spent decades searching for him.

But he still offered his hand so easily. Still treated him with the same kindness Ron had fallen in love with countless lifetimes before.

Because that was who he was. The kindest person Ron had ever known. The gentlest soul he had ever loved.

A smile found its way onto Ron's face.

And for the first time in fifty years, he felt as though he could finally breathe again.

"Isshiki Totomaru."

Ron repeated the name silently in his head. So that was his name in this lifetime.

Isshiki Totomaru.

It suited him. The name rolled off Ron's tongue with surprising ease, as though he had been saying it for years.

Perhaps, in a way, he had.

Different names. Different lives. Different faces.

Ron wanted to call his name, over and over again. Every day in this lifetime.

A small smile tugged at Ron's lips. "Then I'll call you Toto."

His love—Toto—blinked. "Toto?" his gray eyes widened slightly in surprise. "Why Toto?"

"Totomaru is a bit of a mouthful," Ron replied, resting his chin against his hand as he watched him from across the table. "I prefer Toto."

The nickname felt familiar. As though it had belonged to him long before this lifetime.

"Do you mind?"

Toto shook his head. "Not really." A faint smile appeared on his face. "My grandma calls me that."

Ron smiled. The nickname fit him perfectly.

After treating Ron's wound, Toto had insisted on accompanying him to a nearby convenience store. Ron, in turn, had offered to buy him coffee as a thank-you.

That had somehow turned into the two of them sitting together in a small cafe tucked away from the crowded streets.

Ron wasn't complaining.

The scent of freshly brewed coffee lingered in the air while the evening sun filtered through the windows, painting golden streaks across Toto's face.

Ron couldn't stop looking at him.

Don't blame Ron. He had missed his love for far too long. All he wanted was to spend every moment he could with Toto, to live the life they had been denied together. That was all he had ever wished for.

"So, what do you do, Toto?"

Toto straightened slightly in his seat. "I work for the Metropolitan Police Department," he said with a small smile. "What about you, Ron?"

The name slipped so naturally from Toto's lips that Ron almost forgot how to breathe.

His heart ached. For decades, he had waited to hear that voice again. Waited to hear his name spoken by the person he loved most in this world.

And now it was finally happening. The sound was exactly as he remembered.

It sounds beautiful.

Ron insisted that Toto drop the surname and call him simply Ron. What he wanted most was to hear his name on Toto's lips once again.

After fifty years of silence, he wanted to hear his name from Toto's lips again.

"I own an apartment building nearby." Ron replied.

"Wowza!" Toto's eyes widened immediately, the reaction was so genuine that Ron couldn't help chuckling. "That's amazing."

Ron found himself smiling. Toto still looked exactly the same whenever he got excited about something. The expression changed from lifetime to lifetime.

"Not as amazing as you." The words escaped before Ron could stop them.

For a moment, silence settled between them.

Toto blinked. "W-What? I’m not that good."

Ron gave him a puzzled look.

He genuinely didn't understand.

Why did Toto always seem so surprised whenever someone complimented him? Why did he never see himself the way Ron saw him?

"Why are you so shocked?" Ron asked.

Toto looked down at his coffee. For a moment, he seemed oddly uncomfortable.

"Actually..." He laughed awkwardly. "I'm not that good at my job."

Ron frowned immediately. "What makes you think that?"

Toto shrugged. "A lot of people have told me that being a detective doesn't suit me." He forced a smile. "And I've never really been good at deductions either."

The words hit Ron harder than they should have. Because even after all these years, some things never changed—Toto had always been too hard on himself.

Did everyone treat you badly when I wasn't with you, love?

The question died in Ron's throat. He didn't have the courage to say it out loud. It hurt him to think that he hadn't been there to protect Toto.

Even though he knew Toto had never liked being protected. From the past to the present, Toto had always believed he was capable of handling everything on his own. Still, all Ron wanted was to give him a happy life.

Ron simply hummed. "I don't think they've seen how amazing you are."

Toto blinked and stared at him in surprise. "You've never even seen me at work. How can you know I'm amazing?" he asked with an awkward laugh.

Ron smiled, "I don't need to see it."

Toto looked unconvinced.

"Everyone has strengths and weaknesses," Ron continued softly. "Some people may not be good at certain things, but they're exceptional at others. Maybe the people around you just haven't had the chance to see the side of you that shines."

His gaze softened as he looked at Toto. "But I'm sure it's there."

He had lived through every one of the lives the man before him had lived.

Again and again, Isshiki Totomaru had been reborn as someone new, wearing a different face, a different name, yet carrying the same soul. And not once had Ron ever seen a side of him that made him think less of him.

Because Toto possessed the gentlest soul Ron had ever known.

Toto let out a small laugh. "You're too kind," he said. "For someone I just met, you've already managed to leave quite an impression, Ron."

A smile immediately spread across Ron's face. "I'm glad it's a good one."

More than you'll ever know, he thought.

After all, he had spent fifty years searching for him. The last thing Ron wanted was for Toto's first impression of him to be a bad one.

You and I under the moonlight
The sun is behind the night
Tonight will be forever

Just as he had always wanted, he was getting closer and closer to Toto.

The distance between them was shrinking little by little, with every conversation. With every moment they spent together.

It felt like something long missing had finally begun to return to him. Like he finally was becoming whole again.

Toto might not know who Ron was. He might have no memories of the lives they had shared before, no recollection of the promises they had made beneath different skies and in different lifetimes.

Unlike Ron, he had never carried those memories with him.

But that was alright.

It was the price Ron had chosen to pay.

If forgetting meant Toto could be born again without the weight of countless past lives on his shoulders, then Ron would carry those memories alone.

If remembering was the burden fate had given him, he would bear it gladly.

Because Toto was here.

That was enough.

It wasn’t.

It was enough. Ron would fall in love with him again.

Just as he always did.

Now, Ron was learning this Toto.

Not how to love him, that part had never been a problem, Ron had loved him for centuries.

He had loved him through countless names, countless faces, and countless lifetimes. Loving Toto had become as natural as breathing.

What Ron was learning now was this version of him.  The little differences that made this lifetime unique.

Surprisingly, Toto hadn't changed much. He still couldn't stay angry for long. Still pouted whenever he was concentrating too hard. Still worried about everyone except himself.

The biggest difference was probably the way he spoke. His mannerisms had shifted slightly over the years, shaped by a different upbringing and a different life.

But he was still Toto. The same soul Ron had fallen in love with over and over again.

"Do you think it's good enough?" Toto looked down at the pasta he had just finished making, uncertainty written all over his face.

Ron glanced at the plate. "Meh. It needs more kuromitsu."

Toto immediately narrowed his eyes. "Don't add kuromitsu to everything, Ron!"

"There are very few problems in life that can't be solved with kuromitsu."

"That's not true." Toto argued back.

"It is."

"It's really not."

Ron laughed.

Weeks had passed since their first meeting, and somehow Toto had only grown closer to him.

He had worried at first. Feared that Toto would eventually pull away, or that he would remain a stranger.

But instead, Toto kept finding reasons to spend time with him.

Ron was grateful for every second of it. After fifty years of absence, even the simplest moments felt precious.

God. How badly he wanted to hug him.

To pull him close and bury his face in his shoulder, and to tell him how much he had missed him.

How many nights had he spent staring into the darkness, wondering if they would ever meet again? Wondering whether fate would be kind enough to return Toto to him, or whether he was destined to spend the rest of eternity waiting.

Ron reached over and flicked Toto lightly on the forehead.

Toto immediately yelped. "Ron!"

The indignation on his face made Ron laugh even harder.

Yes. This was the person he loved. The person he had loved before, the person he loved now, and the person he would always love.

"Now, now, Toto. Let's enjoy the pasta you just made."

Somehow, Toto always found himself at Ron's apartment these days, and Ron certainly wasn't complaining.

Tonight, Toto had shown up carrying a bag full of ingredients and a determined expression, insisting that he was going to cook dinner after discovering just how terrible Ron's eating habits were.

Ron had tried arguing for approximately thirty seconds.

Then Toto had started listing every unhealthy thing Ron had eaten that week, and Ron had wisely surrendered.

If only Toto knew there had once been years when Ron barely ate at all.

Years when getting out of bed felt pointless. Years when he had stared at untouched meals and wondered whether simply refusing to live would eventually be enough.

He thought death might be better than what he had to endure. He wanted to stop waiting, wanted the loneliness to end.

All he wanted was just to see Toto again.

Back then, Ron had still believed there might be a way.

Too bad that Ron couldn't die. No matter how much time passed or how much he suffered. He remained the same; alive, breathing, immortal.

He waited and waited. Until Toto found his way back to him once again.

Perhaps that was why Ron couldn't find it in himself to complain when Toto fussed over him, because Toto had always been his reason to keep living.

They sat across from each other at the dining table, two plates of pasta resting between them.

The meal looked wonderful. Though if Ron was being honest, he had spent more time looking at Toto than the food.

"Please eat." There was a hint of nervousness in his voice.

Ron raised an eyebrow. "Why do you look so worried?"

Toto rubbed the back of his neck. "I don't know if you'll like it."

Ron almost laughed.

Oh, Toto.

Sweet, wonderful Toto.

He was worried about entirely the wrong thing. Toto could have served him a poison and Ron would still drink it.

Ron twirled pasta around his fork and took a bite. Toto couldn’t take his eyes off of him, waiting, just to see his reaction.

"Toto."

Toto stiffened. "It's bad?"

"No." A smile spread across Ron's face. "It's perfect."

The tension left Toto's shoulders instantly.

Relief flooded his expression, followed by a small smile that made something ache inside Ron's chest.

There it was.

That smile. The one he had searched for. The one he had missed. The one he would recognize in every lifetime.

Ron found himself smiling back.

He instantly thought that he would gladly spend another fifty years waiting if it meant being rewarded with moments like this.

They spent the rest of dinner talking about everything.

Toto rambled about work, about a senior who kept assigning him paperwork, about a convenience store near the station that sold surprisingly good melon bread.

He also told him a story about his childhood, and his grandmother. Ron felt a small sense of relief knowing that Toto had grown up surrounded by love, carrying happy memories from his childhood.

Even if Ron hadn’t been there.

Even if he had missed every single moment of it.

At least Toto hadn’t been alone.

At least in this life, he had been loved properly, gently, the way he deserved to be loved.

Ron listened to every word.

Every now and then, Toto would laugh at his own jokes, only to immediately become embarrassed when Ron laughed too hard.

It was endearing.

Familiar.

Ron found himself memorizing everything.

"I have to go home. It's getting late."

After dinner was over, Toto helped him clean everything up. They laughed while washing the dishes, and Ron found himself wanting nothing more than to move closer to him, to close every unnecessary distance between them.

But time passed too quickly. Unlike when he wasn’t with Toto.

"It's almost twelve. There are no more trains," Ron said, his eyes fixed on Toto standing in front of him, looking like he was about to leave. "You can stay here."

Stay here.

Stay forever.

Just a bit longer. A minute more. An hour more.

If he couldn’t have Toto’s eternity, then he would take whatever fragments of time were offered to him.

A sharp ache settled in Ron’s chest. He wanted to keep Toto close. Always close.

"I can take a cab. I don't want to disturb you." Toto said.

You never disturb me, love. You're the only thing I’ve ever wanted.

Ron smiled, forcing himself to look normal, to sound casual. "Well, I won’t charge you if you sleep here. I’ve got a couch you can use." he said, trying to joke.

Or my arms, he thought.

You could sleep in my arms.

Please lull me to sleep like you used to.

Please hold me tightly like you used to.

Please run your fingers through my hair like you used to.

Toto laughed. "So you really just let your guests sleep on the couch like that?"

"I also have the floor if you want," Ron added lightly. "It’s actually pretty comfortable."

Anything.

Anything as long as Toto stayed a little longer.

Before Toto could answer, all the lights in Ron’s house suddenly went out.

Everything plunged into darkness. No shapes, just an endless black, like a night sky without stars.

"Ron?" Toto’s voice rose slightly, startled. "What? Power outage?"

He stepped forward, trying to find Toto in the dark, moving carefully until his hand finally brushed against his. The moment their fingers met, Toto immediately gripped it tightly.

"I guess so. There was no warning." Ron replied calmly. He could feel Toto shifting closer.

"I can't see anything." Toto muttered.

And then he felt it, Toto pressing even nearer, clinging to his arm. "Are you scared of the dark?"

"What? No!" Toto answered quickly, but even in the darkness Ron could hear the faint embarrassment in his voice. His cheeks were probably red.

Cute. His love had always been a little afraid of the dark.

"Let's open the curtains first. At least we'll get some light in." Ron said gently.

He guided Toto toward the window, and Toto followed closely, still holding onto his hand like a lifeline. When Ron pulled the curtains open, soft city lights spilled into the room.

The city outside was dim and distant, glowing faintly under the night sky. And above it all, the moon hung quietly, casting its pale silver light through the glass.

Pretty.

Everything looked pretty like this. Beside him, Toto looked even prettier.

In the soft glow of the night, with shadows still clinging to the corners of the room, Ron thought he might never get used to this.

Getting to see him again. Getting to stand this close again.

Ron’s lips pressed into a thin line. He was holding himself back with everything he had—forcing himself not to reach out and touch Toto, not to feel that warmth against his skin directly.

Just a little.

Just one touch.

But even that felt too dangerous, like once he started, he wouldn’t be able to stop.

Toto was right there, standing so close, still slightly unsteady from what had just happened. His presence alone was enough to make Ron lose his usual control.

Ron’s hands curled into fists at his sides.

It’s unfair how much he wanted to make Toto remember—wanted to tell him that they had loved each other once, that they had loved each other every time they met.

But he couldn’t. He couldn’t say it.

Because if he did, he might lose Toto again.

Toto slowly loosened his grip on Ron’s hand, stepping closer to the wide window. It stretched across the room, showing the dark Tokyo skyline outside.

The black skies scattered with faint stars, the moon hanging quietly above. Toto placed his hand against the glass, letting out a small, soft woah as he focused on the view.

“It’s pretty.” he said.

Ron agreed silently. Because Toto, under the dim glow of the moonlight, had always been the most beautiful sight in his eyes.

“Toto,” Ron called gently.

Toto turned his head.

Hey, love, do you remember me?

“Uh… even if you already open the curtain, I still can’t see you clearly, Ron.” Toto complained lightly.

Ron was grateful for that. Maybe if Toto could see him properly, he would notice the sadness he was trying so hard to hide.

“Do you want me to turn on the candles?” Ron asked instead.

“Will it last long?”

Ron didn’t know. But he hoped it would.

“Do you have candles to light?” Toto asked.

“I’m not sure.”

Ron did have some, somewhere in a drawer, somewhere he had long forgotten, but he couldn’t even remember exactly where. It didn’t matter. It didn’t matter.

He stepped closer, and Toto didn’t move away. They stood so near now that Ron could see his face clearly in the dim light. His love. The person he had missed beyond reason.

Just this time.

Please hold me like you used to.

Please love me like we used to.

“Dance with me?” Ron asked softly.

Toto blinked, confused. “Huh? Dance wha—”

Before he could finish, Ron gently took his hand. Then the other. Guiding it to his shoulder, while his own hand settled carefully at Toto’s waist.

This was the person he had missed so much.

The person he had loved in every lifetime.

“Just follow me,” Ron hummed.

One. Two. Three.

Every step moved in sync with Ron’s heartbeat, which had never once stopped reacting to Toto’s presence.

Forward and back, under the dim glow of moonlight spilling through the window, they moved together in a quiet rhythm only the two of them seemed to understand.

Toto didn’t protest. Instead, he held Ron a little tighter.

That’s right, love. Hold me.

Hold me like you used to.

“You’re actually pretty good at dancing.” Ron whispered.

He could hear Toto’s shy laugh. “I’m only following you.”

I always follow you, Ron thought.

And for a moment, it felt like nothing had ever been lost at all.

He didn’t even know where Toto’s soul went when it was gone. He just knew that one day, Toto was no longer there.

And after that, Ron kept searching.

Always searching. Always hoping that universe was kind enough to let him meet his love one more time.

Because that was the only reason he kept living. To see him again. To love him again.

All he ever did was wonder when he would meet his love again. Day after day, lifetime after lifetime, that question never left him.

When would he see him again? When would he hear his voice again?

Between all that waiting, there was only silence that made every passing moment feel longer than the last.

But Ron kept waiting anyway.

Because waiting was the only thing he had left. And hope—fragile, stubborn hope—was the only thing that kept him from giving up completely.

Toto occasionally stepped on Ron’s feet, clumsy in the way he followed the rhythm, but Ron didn’t mind. He didn’t mind at all.

Instead, he pulled him closer.

Closer until Toto was resting against his chest, until Ron could feel the warmth of him properly.

A small smile formed on his lips. It didn’t matter how long he had to wait.

It didn’t matter.

“Hey, Ron…” Toto whispered.

“Hm?”

“I think…” Toto paused. Ron waited patiently. “I think I like you.”

And I love you, love.

That confession that Ron had heard over and over again never lost its meaning.

Time after time, in every life, in every meeting, in every fragile beginning, it always came back to him. And yet, he never grew tired of it.

If anything, he longed for it.

“Really?” Ron hummed softly, never stopping their slow dance.

“Yeah,” Toto continued quietly, resting his forehead against Ron’s shoulder. “I think I want this to last forever.”

Nothing lasts forever, love.

Nothing lasts forever, and Ron knew that better than anyone.

He had lived through it.

He had lost Toto, and then found him again. Watched him disappear, only to meet him once more in a different life, a different face, a different version of the same soul.

Forever didn’t apply to them.

It never had.

And maybe it never would.

“Me too,” Ron whispered. “Me too.”

But even knowing that, Ron still wanted it.

He still wanted forever.

He still wanted forever with Toto.

Ron didn’t know when he would get tired of this, or when this repeating cycle would finally end. He didn’t know when Toto would remember, or if he ever would.

But if Toto did, it meant they would have to say goodbye again.

Just stay with me.

Stay with me a little bit longer this time.

Ron pressed a kiss to Toto’s temple, holding it there longer than he should have.

Toto didn’t mind. He tilted his head up, looking at Ron with those gleaming eyes that Ron had always loved, the same eyes he had always dreamed of seeing again.

“Ron?” he called softly.

With just that one word, Ron felt it. Like something inside him quietly breaking and healing at the same time. Because no matter how many lifetimes passed, no matter how many times everything was lost and found again.

Toto’s voice saying his name would always feel like coming home.

Ron only gave a small smile, looking thin and fragile, but filled with an aching longing.

Oh, how was he supposed to tell this boy that Ron had loved him for eternity?

Let me hold you close
Fly this night above the rising moon
Crazy ovеr you, baby