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Dean never took Cas dying very well. That was the easy way to put it.
Any person would say he was downright suicidal. But Dean would deny, deny, deny and tell everyone he was “fine” with the same tone of voice someone would use when saying the words “fuck off”. It didn’t convince anyone.
Because of that, Sam decided that he needed to be babysat for a while. If he wouldn’t let his own brother cheer him up, then maybe someone else could or at least watch him to make sure he didn’t do something stupid.
“Are you kidding me? You can’t keep me here,” Dean argued as Sam was already half-way to the impala.
“No one is keeping you here,” Sam shrugged too casually. “You can come with me if you want, but Jody and Clare are going to be upset. They were hoping to spend some time with you. And Jody needs some help around the house that she doesn’t have the money to hire anyone for. You’re handy enough.”
“You’re handy enough,” Dean bit back childishly. “Why can’t you stay?”
“Because I already promised that I would be somewhere else.”
“Who?”
“Another hunter,” Sam opened the driver’s side door and climbed inside. “It’s okay, man. Take a break. I’ll come get you when it’s over.”
“I don’t want to,” Dean grumbled as Sam shut the door. With a teasing wave, Sam drove off leaving Dean behind to his fate.
Which, all things considered, wasn’t as bad as he thought it would be.
Jody really did need help around the house, that much was true. Dean worked on her car, then Claire’s car, then the damn neighbor’s. Dean was going to turn him down, but the guy seemed so old that he couldn’t get up and out of his chair without his cane. At the very least, Jody seemed happy when Dean was willing to help out.
It seemed that Jody’s goal was to keep him distracted with anything but hunting during the day.
Claire on the other hand, after doing her usual “I’m too cool for you” routine, started asking him a few questions about hunting which turned into a thousand more. Jody was going to gripe at him for indulging her, but bit her tongue once she saw how Dean seemed to relax the longer they talked.
Dean started to clam up once she started asking about more dangerous topics. Leviathans, angels, certain demons that Dean would rather not think about any time soon if ever again. He wasn’t even sure how she heard the name Alastair, but he would choke the life out of the bastard who told her.
To his complete shock and horror, after dinner, Jody put several small boxes on the table in front of them while they were discussing the easiest way to kill a werewolf. “Oh, come on,” Claire complained. “Again?”
Jody gave her a look that already had Clare opening the box in defeat. “It makes them happy, and if you’re going to keep talking about this then you two can work.”
“Uh… what are we doing?” Dean asked warily. Clare turned a box around and showed him with a frown on her face. “Friendship bracelets?”
“Bracelets, necklaces, take your pick. Either way, get to work. Claire can show you how to tie them when you’re done.”
“You’re joking,” Dean complained. But Jody gave him that same look and Dean was just as easily defeated. “Fine.”
Claire explained that the retirement home liked getting them for the holidays. Every holiday. Some of their kids were too busy to visit them, or they just needed someone to cheer them up every now and again. “Gives them something to look forward to,” Claire shrugged sympathetically. “I think it reminds them of their childhood. Friendship bracelets have been around forever. Jody said when she was younger, her and a bunch of her friends would actually go and make them with them. I refused to do that, so this is a compromise.” She gave Dean a mischievous smirk. “Though, maybe doing them with you counts as the same thing.”
“Yeah well… shut up,” Dean grumbled, not willing to come up with anything to say back.
Dean made four of them, while Claire got through ten of them easily. “Hey, this last one isn’t so bad,” She praised as she held up Dean’s last one. “We can probably throw the other ones away though.”
“Are you done? Isn’t it your bedtime or something?”
“Yes,” Jody said from the living room. “She has school in the morning.”
“Ha!” Dean pointed at her teasingly. She gave him the finger in retaliation. “Hey! You’re not old enough to do that!”
“Bite me,” She yelled back as she went to her room.
“She’s not really mad,” Jody told him with a yawn. “She’s just a teenager.”
“I wasn’t nearly as annoying,” Dean huffed. “I don’t know where she gets it from.”
“Uh huh.” Jody stood and stretched her arms above her head. “Listen, I’m gonna turn in early too. I have a long shift tomorrow. You think you can clean up?”
“Yeah, yeah,” Dean waved her off. “Go get your beauty sleep.”
“I don’t need beauty sleep. I need sleep-sleep. You kids are running me ragged.”
Dean shook his head with a smile as he watched her walk down the hall to her bedroom.
Finally, he was alone for the first time in what felt like forever. Even with the TV still on, it felt too quiet. The loneliness his family had been trying to keep at bay came creeping in second by second.
He tried to keep his hands busy to keep his mind off of it. He made another bracelet, a blue one, a white one, a black one, then another blue one and kept going until he realized it was midnight and he didn’t have many of the blue beads left.
“Figures,” Dean mumbles to himself. “Always gone when I need you…”
Dean felt lonelier than ever because of some stupid friendship bracelets.
He was about to put it all back when he got an idea. All it took was a quick, quiet trip to his duffle bag to find what he was looking for: A small black feather that fit in the palm of his hand.
One of Cas’.
Dean remembered fondly when he found it in the motel room. Cas rarely seemed embarrassed, but once Dean had picked it up and asked about it, the angel had turned as red as a tomato. Cas instantly demanded that he get rid of it, and after a bit of teasing, Dean pretended to but…
He couldn’t do it then for the same reason he couldn’t do it now.
Dean didn’t have much when it came to Cas. Maybe a few photos, but the guy didn’t keep material things. What was Dean supposed to use to mourn him? It wasn’t hurting anyone, and no one had to know.
Now, Dean was thankful he lied. If he hadn’t kept it, he would have nothing.
He had a whole trenchcoat to keep in the back of the impala the first time Cas died, now all he had was a feather.
“Stupid,” Dean mumbled to himself as his hands got to work before he could really think about it. By the time he was done, he had a necklace with blue and black beads, and a small angel feather hanging from the middle.
Cas’ feather.
It was tougher than it looked. Dean had kept it in his pocket for three weeks straight at one point and nothing ever happened to it, so he wasn’t worried about wearing it all the time.
Dean put it on and he felt like a fraction of the weight had lifted off his chest. It wasn’t much but it was better than nothing. At least he would be able to keep part of Cas with him. Better than keeping a trenchcoat in the car.
Some weeks later….
“Fucking ghosts,” Dean wheezed as he put his hand on his chest. He felt a sharp pain every time he took a breath, and when he took his hand away it was covered in blood. “Damn it.”
He tried to sit up, but the pain only got worse.
Probably broke something, pierced a lung or… damn it, Dean thought as he was forced to lay back down.
He heard a commotion in the other room; shouting, a gun going off, Sam reciting a spell. Dean had to squeeze his eyes shut as he tried to take another breath. He could pray to Cas, but Sam needed to be protected while he did the ritual. One mistake, and they would have to start all over.
Dean heard someone shout again, and suddenly it was over. The house went quiet right after the spirit was burnt into a crisp. “Help,” he tried to call, but it came out gurgled and he choked on his own blood.
Definitely a punctured lung then.
Cas? A little help? Dean finally prayed. Not even a moment later, Cas was by his side. With an immediate look of brief terror before Dean could feel Cas’ hand on his chest and his grace wash through him. He sucked in a deep breath making his head feel a little dizzy from the sudden intake of desperately needed oxygen.
Cas helped him sit up slowly. “Are you alright?”
Dean gave him a grateful smile to ease his nerves. “Yeah. Thanks, buddy.”
“You shouldn’t have run off like that.”
“Yeah, well, Sam needed it distracted for a little bit,” he shrugged, trying to figure out why his body still felt like it was full of grace. It lingered like a warm blanket keeping the chill at bay when he didn’t realize it was chilly in the first place.
“Still, it was dangerous,” Cas chided. “You could have been killed.”
Dean waved him off with his usual line. “Part of the job.”
“Isn’t it? Is that why you were so mad at me when I came back?” Cas’ words immediately soured the mood.
“I wasn’t mad,” Dean scoffed. “I was, um… um… I’m all good now, Cas. You don’t have to keep touching me.”
Cas seemed surprised to find his hand still on Dean’s freshly healed chest. He stared at it a second and pulled away slowly. “My apologies.”
“It’s fine,” Dean replied awkwardly, replacing his hand on his chest where Cas’ had been. When he noticed it had been torn to shreds, he groaned in disappointment, “Aw, man. I like this shirt.”
“I’m sure you can find a new one.”
“That’s not the point. Stupid friggin spirit,” he mumbled.
Cas watched as Dean pulled at the tear in his shirt to inspect the damage when he saw something hanging from his neck. “What’s that? I thought you got rid of the amulet.”
“What? Oh, nothing,” Dean said too quickly, trying and falling to hide the necklace in what was left of his shirt. “Don’t worry about it.”
Despite as hard as he tried, Dean simply couldn’t hide the necklace without making it more obvious that it was definitely not nothing.
“Is that mine?” Cas asked in bewilderment, reaching out to touch his feather without a care about Dean’s personal space
“No,” Dean argued, brushing Cas’ hand away. “You didn’t want it.”
“You were supposed to get rid of it,” Cas replied without a hint of judgement.
“Yeah, well… shut up.”
“Dean… you…” Cas actually looked away in embarrassment. Dean couldn’t remember the last time he saw him do that.
“I said it’s nothing,” Dean scoffed, taking it off. “If it bothers you so much then I– I’ll throw it away this time. For real.”
“That’s not what I’m saying,” Cas quickly grabbed hold of Dean’s wrist as he reached around his neck to take it off to stop him. “How would you feel if I went around with a lock of your hair around my neck?”
“People have done weirder things.” Dean didn’t meet his eyes when he said it.
Cas stared at Dean, hoping to meet his eyes. “I just don’t understand why you would keep it.”
Dean clenched his jaw, “Just take it back if it bothers you so much.”
“That’s not what I–” Cas took his hand away and sighed. “I just don’t understand.”
“Yeah, I guess you don’t,” Dean snapped, pulling his hand away. “Do you want it back or not?”
Cas opened his mouth to say something, but then changed his mind at the last second. “No. You keep it.”
Not even a week later, Dean walked up to Cas and shoved something in his hand with a rough, “Here,” before walking away.
It was a necklace of his very own. Green and black beads and a small lock of Dean’s hair tied at the end. It was long enough to hide in his shirt and following Dean’s example that is exactly what he did.
For an entire month after, he still didn’t understand.
They didn’t talk about it, Dean seemed determined to pretend that their conversation never happened at all. Though, while Cas was away, the angel would sometimes find himself touching his chest right where he knew the lock of hair was. It was almost like Dean was there with him, no matter how far apart they were.
Then, Dean went missing and Cas finally got it.
Demons, because of course it was, got their hands on the hunter and had hidden him away. Cas tried everything he could to try and find him, but wherever he was, Dean’s prayers didn’t seem to be reaching him.
At the time, Cas didn’t know if Dean was alive or not and that was the worst of all. In the quiet moments when he was alone, he took out his necklace and rubbed his thumb over the small lock of hair. His heart ached for Dean, and it was the only thing that could temporarily sooth the pain.
They got him back of course, and after another thorough scolding from Sam, he and Dean were left alone again.
“I’m sorry,” Cas started while Dean had his back turned toward him.
Dean unpacked his back while he talked. “Don’t worry about it. They got the upper hand on us. It happens. I shouldn’t have gone wandering off alone again. Lesson learned.”
“No, I’m sorry for leaving you like I did.”
“I said it was fine.”
Cas paused, trying to find the right words. “I’m sorry for dying and leaving you like I did.”
Dean’s hand froze while he pulled another shirt out of his bag.
“I get so frustrated with you when you rush off into danger, but I’m not any better.”
Turning, Dean stared at him wide eyed. “What brought this on? I didn’t die.”
“I didn’t know that.”
Dean looked away, unable to withstand the intensity of Cas’ gaze. “It’s fine.”
“It’s not fine. I wasn’t fine, and–” his hand touched the necklace where it hid in his shirt. “I get it now. Thank you, Dean.” Cas looked at Dean’s chest where he knew his feather was hidden. “For your gift.”
“Uh… yeah… no problem.” Dean cleared his throat then turned back to his clothes.
Cas wanted to say something more, to reach out and make Dean say something, but he knew it was best to leave the conversation where it was.
Without another word, Cas turned and walked out of Dean’s room with a soft smile on his face. It wasn’t much, but they would carry part of each other wherever they went now.