Chapter Text
Thankfully, things didn't get awkward again after Jason and Percy’s last make out session. They didn't really talk about it, but they had stopped ignoring each other in public, which was a start. Percy had also explained to Jason that the kissing made him feel guilty even though Annabeth was okay with it, so he and Jason hadn't kissed since the last time. Percy was definitely touchy, though. He liked to lay his head on Jason’s lap, or to rest his legs next to Jason's on the couch, or fall asleep curled into Jason’s chest. Jason liked it a lot, and it made him feel less alone — but every time, he couldn't help but think about what it would be like to do those things with Leo instead.
It had been a few months since Leo's disappearance, and there was still no sign of him. Whenever Nico went down to the Underworld to visit his dad, Jason would ask him to check if Leo was down there. Nico came back with the same answer every time: not in Asphodel, not in Elysium. Still, that didn't mean Leo hadn't died and chosen rebirth. The thought of a dead Leo always made Jason feel nauseous, so he tried not to focus on it too much. That was a tall order, though, considering half of Jason's brain space seemed to be taken up by Leo.
It would start with something small, like seeing Leo’s favorite chips (Extra Flamin’ Hot Cheetos), or hearing one of the songs Leo used to blast while building the Argo II (Shake It Off). But those small things would spiral into memory upon painful memory that would send Jason into a depressive episode if he wasn’t careful. He missed the stupid little things about Leo, like the engine grease that always seemed to be on his face or the way his hands smelled slightly metallic from the tools he used. Jason never thought he would miss the scent of metal, sweat, and motor oil, but now that Leo was gone, he wished he had a cologne with those notes.
Jason really did try not to think about it, at least most of the time. But that had been proven impossible one Tuesday in June; they served tacos for dinner in the dining pavilion, and Jason had immediately been reminded of the time that Leo had made him and Piper tacos while they were in the sewers. That memory then made Jason remember that it was Leo’s birthday in a few days. Leo’s sixteenth birthday, and he wasn’t even around to celebrate it.
Jason had left the dining pavilion while dinner was still being served. His stomach was too twisted up to possibly stomach any food that night. Instead, he went back to his cabin and silently cried until he passed out.
He had hoped that by sleeping, he could escape the awful feelings eating away at his heart — but he should’ve known better. Almost immediately, Jason’s peaceful slumber turned into a film festival of nightmares.
The nightmares flickered in and out, rapidly switching like the images in a Viewmaster toy. In the first one, Jason was standing in front of Leo’s burning headstone. A bouquet of red roses was leaning against it, the petals turning black from the flames and falling onto the soil below. The dirt on the grave was still fresh enough for Jason to smell it. He stepped forward and the ground gave away beneath him, sending him reeling into his next nightmare.
Jason and Leo were standing on the helm of the Argo II, floating somewhere unrecognizable, high above the rolling hills beneath them. Leo was arguing with Jason about something that Jason couldn’t process. He was frozen in place, all of Leo’s angry words flying through one ear and out the other while Leo paced around. Leo finally turned to face Jason, making a split second of eye contact before getting swept away by a gryphon. Leo’s screams and cries of help pierced the air, but Jason still couldn’t move. He couldn’t speak. He couldn’t do anything except watch Leo get carried away. Another gryphon grabbed the back of Jason’s shirt and threw him overboard.
Before Jason could hit the ground below, the nightmare changed. In this one, Jason was kneeling in the middle of a clearing. Campers were all around him, either bleeding or screaming or laying unresponsive on the ground. In Jason’s arms was Leo — or what had once been Leo, but was now a barely-recognizable, charred husk. Jason was screaming in the nightmare, begging to all of the gods he knew the names of to help, to bring Leo back. Jason was met with only bitter silence.
He woke up gasping for air, his arms clutched to his chest as if he were still holding Leo’s body. It was just nightmares, he tried to tell himself. Only nightmares. Leo hadn’t been captured (that he knew of) and Jason hadn’t witnessed him die. But repeating it to himself over and over didn’t change the fact that the nightmares had felt so gruesomely vivid, and Jason swore the scent of burning flesh was pervading the air.
He couldn’t stop himself from shaking the whole way to Percy's cabin.
Percy thankfully opened the door almost immediately. “Hey,” he said. His voice sounded distant, like he and Jason were standing on opposite sides of a ravine. “Come in.”
Jason somehow ended up on Percy’s couch, although he couldn’t quite remember how he got there. The television was on, playing a compilation of old Mickey Mouse cartoons. Jason couldn’t hear it. It felt like everything around him was blurry, including his own body. He realized with a start that he was digging his fingernails deep into his own pajama-pants-covered thighs, but he barely felt it.
“Jason, hey, Jason.” Percy’s voice sounded muffled, even though he was standing right in front of him. “Hey, it’s okay. You’re okay.”
He said some other things that Jason couldn’t quite understand. Some time passed — or maybe no time at all — and then Percy was prying Jason’s hands from his thighs and putting them on something softer. “It’s okay,” Percy kept saying. He put his hands on top of Jason’s, which Jason only knew about because he looked down. Percy's hands didn't feel like anything at all, and neither did the shark stuffed animal that Percy had apparently put in his lap. None of it was real, Jason thought. He was dreaming again.
Percy pushed the opening of a metal water bottle against Jason's lips. When had he let go of Jason’s hands? “Can you drink?” Percy asked, voice still distant. “Just have to sip for me, Jase, please.”
The cold water going down Jason's throat let him know that he was not, in fact, dreaming. He blinked and looked up at Percy, who was standing in front of him with a furrowed brow. “Good,” Percy said, his voice anxious. “You did good. It’s alright, Jase, you’re safe. I’m here.”
Jason tried to remember what he’d even come over here for, but it was like his brain was wading through fog. Percy sat next to him and put his hand on Jason’s again. He still couldn’t fully feel it, but he was at least aware of what Percy was doing.
Percy guided Jason’s fingers to the mouth of the shark stuffed animal and pressed them against the felt teeth. “Just feel that, okay?” Percy encouraged him. “Good job.”
Jason didn’t know how much time passed after that. Percy kept saying soft things to him and giving him more things to feel — a blanket, a fidget toy, a bracelet. It finally occurred to Jason that Percy was trying to ground him in reality. It worked, at least to a certain extent. Jason didn’t feel like he was fully back in his body, but at least the world wasn’t so fuzzy anymore.
“Can I have more water, please?” Jason managed to ask. His voice sounded weird to him, like it wasn’t even his.
Percy immediately handed him the metal water bottle. Jason took it and rubbed the fading stickers all around it while he sipped. Percy liked to collect stickers, especially ones that had to do with marine animals and the ocean. Maybe it was a bit cliché for a son of Poseidon, but Percy had apparently had a penchant for sea creatures since he was a little kid. He had an entire collection of marine stuffed animals back in his mom’s apartment, along with several posters to match. His water bottle was no different; Jason traced his fingertips over a dolphin, a shark, a turtle, and one with a whale that said Save the Seas.
Jason realized he was zoning out again. He closed the cap of the water bottle and handed it back to Percy.
Percy set the water bottle down and rubbed Jason’s shoulder. “You doing okay, man?”
“I don’t know,” Jason said honestly. He looked around Percy’s cabin. The television was off now, but his CD player was on at a low volume. Jason didn’t catch what song was playing, but it sounded calm. “It felt like I wasn’t real.”
Percy nodded. He was frowning a little. “Yeah, I…I get like that sometimes. Annabeth usually knocks me out of it, so I was just trying to remember what she does for me, but I didn’t know if it was helping or not.”
Jason leaned his head on Percy’s shoulder. He had the urge to cry, but he held it back. “You did. Thank you.”
Percy wrapped an arm around Jason’s back and held him close. “Did you have nightmares tonight?”
The horrible false images of Leo’s death flashed through Jason’s mind again. “Yeah,” he mumbled, but didn’t elaborate.
Percy didn’t make him, either. “Do you want to listen to something else?” he asked. “Or watch something?”
Jason shook his head, burying his face in Percy’s t-shirt sleeve. Percy hummed and rubbed Jason’s back, quiet for another few seconds.
“How about your birthday?” Percy asked. “Is there something you want as a present? Or something you want to do?”
Jason had been so focused on the fact that Leo’s birthday was coming up that he’d forgotten about his own. “Oh,” he said. The thought of celebrating without Leo made him want to throw up. “No.”
Percy sighed. “Not even a dessert you want?” he tried again. “I’ll get it from a fancy bakery in the city.”
“You don’t have to —”
“I want to.” Percy’s voice was firm. “Argus can drive, he’ll get me there in like fifteen minutes. C’mon, Jase. You want cake? Brownies? Cookies?”
Jason’s grip on Percy’s waist tightened a little. He and Leo had talked about birthdays once. Leo hadn’t celebrated his own in years, because of constantly being in foster care or on the run. But his eyes had lit up when Jason informed him that his birthday was only six days before Leo’s. We can celebrate our birthdays together, Leo had said. Go on a day trip someplace. Eat a fancy dinner. He had also talked about making a pastel imposible, or chocoflan, for his birthday. According to Leo, it was heavenly.
Can you bring me Leo back? was what Jason really wanted to ask Percy, but he didn’t. “Don’t know,” he mumbled into Percy’s shoulder. He didn’t need any sort of dessert for his birthday, but he had a feeling Percy would keep asking until Jason finally gave in. He might as well cut out the middle man. “Vanilla cake, I guess. Chocolate frosting.”
“You got it, Jase.” Percy stroked Jason’s hair. “I’ll get you the best damn vanilla cake with chocolate frosting in all of New York.”
Jason managed a smile, and he fell asleep on Percy’s shoulder shortly after.