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When I wake up I know it’s going to be one of those days. I dreamed about my life on Earth and with little to do on the ship headed to Erid with only Rocky to talk to, it’s all I’m going to be thinking about.
“Good morning Grace,” Rocky chimes while I eat my tasteless breakfast. “Grace sleep well, question?”
I shrug. There’s no point in lying. But it doesn’t mean I want to talk about it. “I had a strange dream.”
Grace perks up in curiosity. Dreams were an unfamiliar concept to him, but since I explained it he wants to know all about the stories I live in my sleep. He finds it very fascinating. I think he might secretly be a bit jealous. “Was it a bad dream, question?”
“Not per se.” I abandon my breakfast and Rocky follows me in his xenonite ball to the Don’t Go Crazy room. “It was actually a pleasant dream,” I tell him on the way. “It’s just… It reminded me that I’ll never be able to go back to Earth, you know? It was a good dream while it lasted, but once I woke up…”
I open the door and let Rocky enter the room before following. The screens all around us are black. When I close the door behind me, I’m engulfed in darkness. “Mary,” I ask the ship’s AI, “can you show me my classroom?”
It comes as a shock when I suddenly see the familiar walls and decorations around me. I didn’t think the ship could actually show it to me, I couldn’t imagine someone actually went to my classroom to take pictures of everything. Yet someone must have. Who am I kidding, I definitely have Stratt to thank for this.
“This is where Grace taught science to children, question?” Rocky asks quietly. He’s pointing the device around that tells him what the screen is showing.
I wipe the tears out of my eyes. “Yeah… It looks exactly how I left it. Someone must have…” Someone must have cleaned it out by now. I look up. There’s my model of the solar system that someone will have taken down by now. I point it out to Rocky. “That line of red tape between Venus and the sun represents the Petrova line.”
I keep my eyes on the ceiling. It’s strange to look at the place I spent so much of my time in. It’s hard to imagine being there, and I’m glad for it. I don’t want to look at the empty seats and the whiteboard that has my writing on it. Far away from here, there are children who have never known me sitting in those seats listening to a different teacher. The children I knew are older now.
“Classroom make Grace sad,” Rocky observes.
“Yes,” I sniffle, “but that’s okay.” I sit down next to him. “I know I shouldn’t dwell on the past. I can’t change it. But still, I sometimes wonder what would’ve happened if I weren’t… here.”
“Everyone on Earth would die,” Rocky tells me like I’ve told him before. “Everyone on Erid would die. Grace and Rocky would not have met.”
I glance at him. The way he brings it, it’s like our meeting is as important as the survival of both our planets. In a way it is, because together we have the expertise to save the planets – but I know that’s not what Rocky means. He means our friendship. Our friendship is just as important as the survival of our species.
“I know.” I sigh. “But just imagine astrophage didn’t exist. Imagine the world wasn’t in danger and we didn’t need to go to space. What would I have done with my life? You would be living the white picket fence life, so to say, with Adrian. And I…” I clench my teeth and stare unseeingly at my writing on the whiteboard. “I would still be living in my stupid apartment, trying to get a bunch of kids to see me as the cool teacher.” There’s a familiar hollow feeling in my chest that I haven’t told Rocky about. I’ve never talked to anyone about it, in fact.
“Not helpful to think ‘what if’,” Rocky says, shuffling closer to me. “If astrophage were no problem, maybe there were other problems. Illness, for example, or storm that destroyed house. Grace cannot know.”
I suppose he’s right. Things could have been better or they could have been worse, it’s equally as likely. “And no matter how hard we wish or dream, we cannot change the facts,” I add.
This surprises Rocky. “What is Grace thinking about, question? Grace not happy with Rocky as friend, question?”
“No, no, of course I’m happy to have met you!” I hurry to reassure him. “Meeting you has been the best thing that’s ever happened to me, by far!”
Rocky bounces a little in relief. “Meeting Grace is best thing to happen to Rocky too!” He pauses. “Then why Grace still sad, question?”
“Mary? Can you show me… a park? With people?”
The classroom disappears and is replaced with the vibrant greens of a park in the summer. I hear birdsong, rustling leaves, footsteps and people chatting. In the distance I can hear children scream and laugh.
“This,” I say to Rocky. “This is why I’m sad. This is what I’ll never have again.” I point to a bench that shows a young couple holding hands. “I’ll never meet new people.”
“Grace is sad because Grace has no mate.” It’s not a question, but if it were, I don’t know what the answer would be.
We listen to the summer day in the park.
“I never got it,” I say after a while. “I always thought there was something wrong with me. Maybe there is.”
“No understand.”
“Relationships.” I turn to rest my back against Rocky’s ball. It’s easier to talk about it when I can’t see him, even though I know he can still ‘see’ my face. “As I got older everyone around me got in relationships. And we have all these books and movies and songs about romance. It always seemed so… wonderful. Perfect. And I… I always wanted that. I fantasised about having a girlfriend. You know, I dated a girl once and I thought I was in love with her, but in hindsight I think I just loved the feeling of being seen and appreciated. I think I’m unable to love, in a romantic sense. And-” I choke up and let the tears stream. “And I always hoped I would meet someone I could fall in love with. To prove myself wrong, to- to prove I wasn’t broken. But now that’ll never happen.” I bury my face in my arms and sob.
“Grace,” Rocky says. I can feel him bump against the xenonite behind me. “Grace.”
I wipe my eyes and turn around. “What?”
“Rocky love Grace.”
It’s sweet that he tries to cheer me up and I can’t help but smile. “I love you too, Rocky.”
But Rocky sways from side to side, his imitation of when I shake my head. “Grace no understand. Rocky love Grace as much as Rocky love Adrian. Eridians have no romantic love. Love for friends is same as love for mates.”
I stare at him. “Are you saying all Eridians are aromantic?”
“Yes, Grace is not broken. Grace is like Eridians!”
My heart swells at that and my tears- I don’t think they ever stopped rolling down my cheeks. Grace is like Eridians. I fit in with them. Suddenly Rocky’s ‘I love you’s mean a lot more. I embrace the ball with Rocky inside. “I love you, Rocky.”
Rocky presses against the xenonite. “Love for friends no less important than love for mate. Grace will make lots of friends on Erid.”
Last night’s dream presents itself again. There was no Petrova line. I was in the park with a stranger, but in my dream I knew she was my partner. We held hands and it felt perfect. But now that I’m awake, I know that feeling is one of longing for things that can never be. Rocky is right, it’s not helpful to constantly think in hypotheticals.
And maybe that longing was never for the romantic love that everyone felt and I somehow missed out on – maybe that longing was just for a good friend like Rocky. Someone who would prioritise me, someone who valued their friends as much as their partner.
I suddenly feel hope returning. The past doesn’t matter. I look forward to meeting the Eridians.