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Mika confused Yuu. Ever since they had met all those years ago when they were children, Yuu couldn’t wrap his head around his feelings for the other boy.
Mika was pretty. He made Yuu’s throat close and his gut twist every time he hung off of him or got too close to whisper something. He was so pretty that Yuu would get flustered if he stared at him too long. As an 8 year old who was from an unloving home and a not ideal environment, he didn’t know how to process these things. So, naturally, he just shoved them so deep in his mind that he pretended to forget about it. Yuu had always been good at that, pretending that something wasn't happening when it very much was.
But the shaking in his hands when he got close to Mika was undeniable and worrying. The way he ended up wanting to hold Mika close and keep him close was something that Yuu couldn’t comprehend. The way he wanted to press their faces close and lay next to him every time they slept next to each other kept him awake at night. He wanted to have physical contact with Mika at all times to the point that he would start useless arguments in order to brawl with him.
When the kids from their orphanage died, Yuu couldn’t understand why he had been so fixated on Mika specifically. He had spent time with each one equally, four years of his life, and had changed plenty of diapers and held many as they had nightmares. They were all family. So why was he so fixated on Mika’s death? Why did Mika’s death alone make life so unbearable and miserable?
Yuu was only able to breathe until he thought about Mika. He would be going about his day, planning his revenge on those stupid vampires and attempting to live, when Mika would suddenly cross his mind. He would have to stop what he was doing to catch his breath — to attempt to calm the aching sinking feeling in his stomach. No, time didn’t heal the wounds of losing his best friend. Time only made his outward appearance more stoic and undetectable as the storm raged inside of him.
Most days he could cover the sorrow in the thick layer of anger that coated his insides like ugly black tar. But most nights he was in agony and torment. He couldn’t come to terms with his death. He didn’t want to. How could everything have been ripped away from him? Every time he closed his eyes, even for the briefest moment, he was thrown back into that old nightmare. He was thrown into facing his current nightmare -- his reality without his loved ones.
Yuu had only known Mika for four years but he had left such a lasting impression. An unforgettable impression. And four long years after his death he still couldn’t forget about him. Not a day went by that he wasn’t completely swallowed in grief.
Fortunately (and as equally unfortunate), Mika frequented his dreams. There were heartbreaking dreams that were so full of happiness that he didn’t want to ever wake from them. They were both twelve in these dreams and they always spent the whole day together doing meaningless childish things. They were also not in this dreadful vampire filled apocalyptic world in Yuu’s dreams. They would always be in the field that Mika had somehow grown in Yuu’s mind — in his heart. They played by the small creeks and by the large beds of blossoming flowers.
All of his dreams were so peaceful and wonderful. Every time he woke up, he ached to just be able to close his eyes and return to the heaven that he had imagined in his mind. The real life world of torment around him could never possibly bring him an ounce of peace that these nights gave him.
Sometimes, the dreams would begin heavenly and turn into hell. They would star Mika drowning in the small lakes or being killed by some random animal that leapt out and attacked them. Of course Yuu had always been too weak to save him in the dreams, just as he had been that day.
But then... the next dream would be as if it didn’t even happen. Mika would show up and smile at him in such a loving way as if Yuu wasn’t the sole reason he had died. As if Yuu hadn’t failed him beyond words could comprehend. It was such a nauseating flip flop of heaven and hell but Yuu wouldn’t have it any other way if it meant that he could still see Mika. Whatever dream that he was brought to him in, good or bad, was still a moment in time that he could see him.
Sometimes, he distantly wondered if this was somehow Mika’s spirit coming to visit him in his dreams. It took everything in him to not hold onto that pathetic hope, unable to think realistically when it came to him. Because, well... if it really was the real Mika, he wouldn’t have continued to visit Yuu. The real Mika, wherever his spirit was, obviously hated him for how badly he had failed him. The real Mika probably hated how Yuu couldn’t show emotion as a child and therefore never loved him or any of their family the way they deserved.
Despite the dreams, it took Yuu four years to finally process his feelings for Mika. Yuu loved to pretend to be oblivious to things — shoving things out of sight until he couldn’t see them. Out of sight out of mind was his motto to live by every single day, and he lied to himself even more than he lied to others. Every single time that metaphoric window opened to attempt to shower him with a cold breeze, he slammed the window shut and ran into another room.
But Yuu couldn't run from the obvious forever, despite what he wanted to think. This cold night, May 1st to be exact, had that window slamming open so quickly that Yuu didn't have time to turn away from it. The cold breeze finally made contact with his skin, billowing into him face first.
He had been walking through the streets late one night, stupidly patrolling for the Four Horsemen of John, when he had seen them. Being so pent up with anger and sadness due to the day it was, he had decided to take a longer route and blow off some steam. He didn’t know that that decision would end up leaving him with some very unwanted clarity.
Two soldiers were kissing. That wasn’t anything new… Yuu loved to patrol late into the night when he couldn’t sleep and that was when the teenagers loved to sneak around and mess about with one another. So, as per usual with catching these teenagers in the act, Yuu continued to walk right past as if he hadn’t seen them at all. This was nothing that interested him in the slightest.
He was almost out of earshot when one of the people pulled away from their heavy kissing to ask their partner, “Did you hear those footsteps just now?”
Yuu was rounding the corner, almost completely out of sight, when another voice whispered back, “Looked like it was just one of those soldiers.”
At the sound of the second voice, Yuu’s heart leapt into his throat and he quickly sidestepped out of sight, pressing his back against the brick wall behind him. His knees had gone a little weak and he pathetically held himself up as best as he could. His hands shook and his heart beat wildly in his ears, his breath catching in his tight throat.
Oh, that was two boys.
Two boys. Two boys were kissing back there.
He had heard the insults about gay people all during his training. He heard the sergeants saying that real men, "strong men", weren’t gay. He heard the whispering between adolescent boys in disgusted voices as they gossiped behind teacher’s backs. He had heard every negative thought that everyone had about this topic for years. But, being completely uninterested in romance and so consumed with his own self hatred, he only stood up for those being bullied and never had a second thought about the matter.
Logically, he knew two boys could be together romantically, but he had never seen it. It had never been presented to him before, and especially no in any positive light.
It was…underwhelming. Despite the way he was panicking, the cold air that was once chilling just a moment earlier, was now unable to nip his skin now due to his dissociation. It was a simple and unremarkable thing he had just witnessed. They were just like the other couples that randomly decided to venture out into the dangerous nights to canoodle. If anything, plenty of them could have been gay as well, but Yuu had never heard them speak or had bothered to take a closer look. Why would he?
If it was so underwhelming, why was it hitting him so hard?
Well... maybe because it was so underwhelming. This couple was just in love and kissing. There was nothing special about them. They were unremarkable. There were no awful words on the matter being thrown around by ignorant people. They were just simply existing -- enjoying their own company and minding their business.
Intrusive thought after intrusive thought began to swim behind Yuu’s eyelids. He attempted to shake them off, holding his head between his shaking hands, but it was of no use. The pathetic thoughts and feelings that he had been fending off for years were spilling over that poor fucking excuse of a dam that he had created around himself. The window was open and the wind was howling and his feet weren't working to move away from it.
He had always wanted to be close to Mika, physically and mentally. He had always wanted to be close to him in ways that he couldn’t even begin to imagine with anyone else. Mika's presence in itself was just so alluring to him. He had always wanted to rub their faces together, lay with him, and just be…
Just be with him. It was childish and innocent but he had always wanted to be by his side. Forever.
He wanted to be unremarkable with him.
He ran home in a sprint, determined to have the chilly night air dissipate any of the feelings and emotions that were tipping into him with an annoyingly steady flow — feelings that had been repressed for years. He wanted to jump into bed and crawl under the covers and not deal with anything, just as he used to when he was a child. He wanted to slam the window shut and grab enough glue to cover every corner of it forever.
He wanted to be unremarkable with him.
~
“Yuu-chan,” A small voice sounded next to him, startling him. Yuu realized that he was sitting in the middle of a valley of flowers, clutching two stark white petals between his fingers. The small flower resembled a little bell, the blossom down turning and drooping off the long green stem. Yuu slowly rose his head to look sideways at Mika, who wasn’t looking at the beautiful flowers swaying in the light breeze around them at all. His piercing blue eyes were trained on the side of Yuu’s face, as if there wasn’t a whole damn field of gorgeous flowers around them. As if Yuu was the only remarkable thing in this whole place.
Mika was crouched next to Yuu, knees bent and shoes dirty from the soil beneath them. His golden hair danced in the light warm breeze and Yuu felt his throat close embarrassingly fast. He quickly turned his face to hide whatever varying shade of red that was bound to spill across his cheeks and nose.
“Yuu-chan, your butt is going to get so dirty. Look at my shoes!” Mika laughed, reaching out to gently touch the same flower that Yuu had between his fingertips. Before their fingers made contact, Yuu dropped his hand as if Mika had electrocuted him, terrified to touch the other boy. He was too flustered to even look at him let alone allow Mika to graze his skin with his small hand.
And Yuu didn’t deserve to touch Mika, anyway.
Not after he had let him die.
“This isn’t real anyway,” Now twelve year old Yuu muttered, his small hand dropping to grip sharply at the hem of his old worn shorts. He was only sometimes aware that he was in a dream during it, and he hated those. He hated knowing what had happened to Mika and instead enjoyed living in the faux haze of happiness whenever they just spent time together as small children.
Mika, also now twelve years old, stayed silent at his remark, carefully stroking the small flower petals with his fingertips. It took him a while to respond, as if he was mulling over his next words. “Do you know what flowers these are?”
“Of course not,” Yuu sighed, peering around at the overwhelming amount of the same flower around them. “I’ve never even seen these before.”
“They’re Lily of the Valley,” Mika stated with a sigh of annoyance, as if it was the most obvious answer in the world. He always got annoyed at Yuu, rightfully so. “Aren’t they pretty?”
“They’re just flowers,” Yuu muttered, despite confusion beginning to swirl around in his mind. Didn’t flowers mean something? He always heard young women gossiping about the meaning behind some of the flowers that they had received, but he had never paid any mind. But why would flowers he had never seen appear in such great quantities in this dream?
“And flowers are pretty,” Mika challenged, and Yuu desperately wanted to look up and see what kind of face Mika was making as he defended these poor flowers. Was he passionate about them or just desperate to tease Yuu like he normally did?
Yuu kept his head tilted away, deciding against peeking up at the boy. He didn’t deserve to look at him. He would allow this dream version of Mika to tease him about flowers all he wanted if that meant that they stayed together in this moment.
And stay together in this moment they did. A comfortable silence settled around them as Mika continued to examine the flowers and Yuu stared at the bugs crawling across the soft soil, looking for shelter and food.
“Why were you so scared of the boys kissing?”
Yuu jerked backwards, petrified at Mika’s sudden question. Sure, Mika did ask him about the current world in these dreams, but he had never asked him about something so embarrassing before – something so…personal!
“I was not scared,” Yuu snapped, hanging his head low and angrily snapping off a few of the bright white buds in front of him. But, as soon as he did, his chest swarmed with regret from the hasty action. Mika had been defending these dumb flowers and he had ruined it. Of course he had once more ruined something that Mika loved.
Thankfully, since it was his dream, he was able to carefully place the ripped buds back onto the stocks. They melted back into the green, somehow good as new. Oh, how he wished...
“You don’t always have to pretend to be brave,” Mika scolded, scooting closer to Yuu in a weird little shuffle as he kept his knees bent. Yuu had half a mind to laugh, and he probably would have if Mika’s question hadn’t thrown him so off guard.
“I’m not always brave!” Yuu challenged, still refusing to look at Mika despite him being much closer and causing his heart to become deafening in his ears. “I just wasn’t scared of the boys! It’s just kissing anyway!”
“But it did scare you,” Mika challenged back, his voice close to Yuu’s ear. His words were playful but there was an edge in his voice that Yuu couldn’t pinpoint. Yuu groaned in frustration, half tempted to reach out and once again rip apart the small flowers.
“You don’t know anything.”
“How did I know about the kiss then, huh?”
Yuu paused, contemplating his next argument. Was it worth challenging? Was he really going to spend this precious time arguing with Mika? How could he when these dreams could randomly stop at any time? He should be cherishing these moment and memories, and –
“Scaredy cat!”
Yuu whipped his head towards Mika, shocked and angry at his name calling. He parted his lips to retort, angry words dancing on his tongue, when Mika dove forward.
He hadn’t realized how close their faces were when he had first turned his head, but suddenly, Mika was in his face. He was too close, way too close, as if he had lunged forward to head butt him, but…
Mika pulled back, smiling softly. His cheeks were pink and bright under the soft sunlight. Yuu gaped at him in confusion and admiration, the two emotions fighting for dominance in his head. Mika’s beauty was distracting him from –
“See, it was just a kiss! There’s nothing to be scared of,” Mika said, his grin widening and his head tilting slightly sideways as he looked at him. He was smiling so wide that his blue eyes had shifted into crescent moons.
“You didn’t…” Yuu trailed off, his shaking fingers slowly coming up to touch his lips. He pressed against the soft flesh there, and yes, he could feel it. He hadn’t felt Mika when he had smashed their heads together. He hadn’t felt him at all. “You didn’t kiss me.”
Mika’s grin slipped, confusion pushing his light brows together. “Yes I did, Yuu-chan. I just kissed you right now.”
Yuu’s mind scrambled to make sense of the situation. He was so confused that he didn’t notice the intense red blush across his face, despite the heat making his cheeks hot and rosy. “No you didn’t.”
Mika’s confusion faded, his smile now small and soft but not unhappy. Not unhappy at all. He looked at Yuu as if he were the flowers that littered the field all around them. “Okay, I’ll do it again then.”
And Mika leaned forward, causing Yuu’s heart to leap into his throat. He didn’t move despite his mind screaming at him to move – that he didn’t deserve this – but his legs were glued firmly on the dirty soil below. Mika was close, his face up in Yuu’s, but again, he didn’t feel anything. Mika had even closed his eyes for this second attempt at a kiss, but Yuu kept his open, desperate to watch and make sure that Mika was really going to kiss him.
By the closeness of their proximity, Yuu should have felt something. He should have, but he didn’t. The air around them didn’t even rustle, as if Mika wasn’t there at all.
But no, Mika was there. He was crouching down next to him in this dirty soil, leaning forward and hovering in Yuu’s personal space.
Mika pulled away, another small smile dancing across his lips. “See? Didn’t you feel–”
Yuu’s hands reached out without his consent, grabbing and desperate. He pulled forward, his body raising and extending into Mika’s personal space. He felt like a flower drawn to sunlight, desperately reaching out towards his personal sun and demanding security and warmth.
But his hands ghosted right through Mika’s cheeks. His own face, which he had desperately pressed close to Mika’s in search of the kiss that he couldn’t feel, fell empty.
But Mika was right there…
Now, Mika’s small smile was indeed very sad. There were tears swimming in his eyes and Yuu could only stare in horror. They were so close now that their knees should have been knocking, their noses brushing, but Yuu couldn’t feel him.
“Yuu-ch–”
“Kiss me, Mika, come on, just–”
“You know I can’t,” Mika whispered, his lips shaking as he spoke. He reached up, just like Yuu was desperately and pathetically attempting to, but neither of their hands quite reached. Mika’s voice was loud and clear, his presence clearly there, but his body wasn’t. He wasn’t truly there at all. He hadn't been truly here for a very long time.
“We touch in my dreams all the time!” Yuu cried, sounding like a frightened child. Tears exploded in his own eyes as he grappled desperately in the air around Mika’s head, desperate to catch hold of those beautiful blonde locks. “Why can’t I touch you?!”
Mika’s own eyes, swimming with tears, only carefully watched him across the small space between them. He stayed silent as if there were no words to possibly explain what was going on. Maybe there wasn’t. Maybe there truly was nothing Mika could say, even though he had always been the smarter one between them.
Desperate to remedy the situation in any way, Yuu’s small shaking hands hung suspended in the air around Mika’s cheeks. Just by looking at them, one would think that he truly was cupping the other boy’s face. But truthfully, they were so far away, so utterly far. World’s apart.
Yuu stayed like that for a long time, close enough to Mika’s face where they should have been touching. Should have been…
Mika stared back, his eyes so familiar and so achingly comforting that it made Yuu’s breath still. He tried to breathe, he really did, but it was pointless. He didn’t know what to do. At this point, Yuu didn’t know anything. He hadn't known anything since he had lost everything.
The only thing he did know was that he had been in love with Mika this entire time.
How unfortunate.
And despite his revelation, there was nothing to be done. All he could do was live, despite not even deserving that. All he could do is power though and try to live.
He was sixteen in the real world and Mika would forever be twelve. That fact made him feel so guilty for feeling the way that he did, for realizing the feelings that he had. Mika was just a child, always would be, and Yuu was now a teenager who just realized how badly he had wanted to be with him. It would be easier and more appropriate to fall in love with someone his own age…someone alive.
He hadn’t had any romantic possibilities because he simply hadn’t wanted any. Yuu knew Shinoa liked him. He wasn’t an idiot. But acknowledging her feelings and having to explain to her that he didn’t feel the same would ruin everything. Shinoa was not the type of person to accept the rejection and continue on with their friendship. Mitsuba would most likely leave their friend group following Shinoa and Yuu couldn’t handle losing two important people to him. Not after losing everyone and finally finding another group of good people to surround him. He couldn’t handle going through that again. Not after last time.
He doubted that he could feel like that about anyone again, anyway. Mika was…unexplainable. There weren’t words to explain how Yuu had felt about him. Whatever they had shared, their love had been a once in a lifetime type of deal.
Once.
Most people didn’t even find one person to share this bond with, let alone two people. And besides, even if Yuu was to find someone else that he could share a bond like that again with, he wouldn’t want to. Mika couldn’t find anyone else. He was dead. Why should Yuu be able to find someone else? Why would he even want to?
Whatever Yuu had felt for Mika had been childish and innocent. After his death, after the sorrow filled his heart like the smoke from a burning field, he had dared to peek inside of that mess of feelings that he had stowed away. His love for Mika has blossomed in the ruin and chaos, fields of blooming flowers and beautiful scenery -- sights that would take your breath away. His love was no longer childish, but deep and meaningful. Overpowering. The scent of those blossoming flowers overtook Yuu’s lungs and suffocated him until he couldn’t smell anything else.
Mika had brought him a purpose in his life. All the children in the orphanage had. He hadn’t had a reason to live before, always having been told that he was a monster that should die had really been sowed deep into every crevice of his being. But Mika had cleared out all the old, dirty cobwebs in his brain. He had brought a wildfire to the chaos and left that 'life after death' feeling of hope.
God, Yuu had been so full of hope.
Even if he couldn’t properly express his emotions, especially as an emotionally damaged child, he sure as hell felt it. He would continue to feel Mika’s efforts for the rest of his life.
As the two twelve year old boys sat in that field of flowers, they began to burn and crumble, the smoke lifting high into the sky and billowing around them.
Yuu was more scared of ending the dream and taking his eyes off of Mika then he was of the fire at their ankles.
-