Chapter Text
The whole thing about Pride month is that Dennis gets it. He understands why it’s important and how it helps people feel comfortable in their own skin. It’s very important and it took Dennis a year after earning his theology degree to understand.
In school, then, he learned… a lot. There was a lot he tried to understand and tried to figure out. The college he’d gone to hadn’t been private. It hadn’t been Christian or Catholic like his parents wanted, but it was cheap enough and Dennis was able to get scholarships to help stave off the loans. It helped. A lot.
There were plenty of queer (“It’s not bad,” one of his classmates told him over coffee, “Well—scratch that. Context matters. A random guy shouting it from their truck? Bad. A friend shouting ‘yo, queer’? Fine.”) students on campus. A lot of them stood out to Dennis purely because of their dyed hair and piercings. He learned it didn’t always mean they were part of the community, but that they were just more… outspoken. In a way no one back home really was.
Not that it was bad. Just different. Different in a way Dennis thought he liked.
In any case, Pride month was good. Trinity loved Pride month. She talked about it all during the last two weeks of May. Her plans, where she wanted to go, and she even looked up what vendors would be there. Dennis tried to be supportive, but he didn’t know how to navigate this sort of thing.
Growing up, there had only been one option: marry a woman. There were no other choices and Dennis couldn’t really think of a time he learned about anything else. Well, he learned about the word “queer” and “fag”. (“Fag is worse.” the classmate had set his mug down as he spoke. “You don’t ever say fag. Got it?” Dennis nodded frantically. “Queer can be an identity. Faggot is just a slur.”) Those were insults, though, and Dennis didn’t like how the words made him feel so he never said them.
After Dennis left for theology school and got taught everything, he sat with it. Thought about why God would make His people this way and then forbid it. And there were a lot of reasons for Him to make so many rules. This was one he really couldn’t understand. It was just love. A love born of two consenting individuals who cared deeply for each other.
And it didn’t just happen in people! It happened in animals. Something baser. Something that only had their instincts to listen to. If it was okay with God to make the animals that way, why wasn’t it okay for Him to make those in his own image that way?
Dennis knew God had only created it out of love. The people who loved that way were still God’s children. They were worthy of His love and therefore, Dennis’ teachings.
Except he kinda fucked it all when he went into being a doctor after. It hadn’t been his plan. Not really, but he wanted to help people. Everything he saw happen on the farm as a kid with the nearest hospital being so far made him want to help in more ways than words. He knew how helpful a good preacher could be. It just wasn’t the route he wanted to go.
Besides, his words helped while in the Pitt. Quoting Isaiah seemed to help Doctor Robby. It had made his eyes crinkle and a short laugh (giggle? Dennis didn’t think the man giggled, but it seemed similar) escape him. It made Dennis warm to think about how he had helped someone.
Trinity didn’t like to hear the words Dennis had to share and he understood. There were a lot of hard things that happened in life and some people couldn’t reconcile it with religion. He wasn’t sure if Trinity had a religion. Dennis made sure to be respectful of Robby’s religion. He quoted things from the Tanakh and even found a few rabbi’s teachings he liked.
In any case, Dennis had reconciled his religion with people in the queer community. It wasn’t something to be scared of or hateful of. It was something beautiful and while Dennis still didn’t understand all the minutiae of it all, he knew Trinity was lesbian and she had gotten three days off specifically for Pride and recovery after.
And for some reason, she wanted Dennis to go.
“I don’t know, Trin,” he said. Instead of looking at her, he stared down at the tablet in his hands. He shifted on his feet. While doing research, he found that some people in the queer community didn’t like allies being at Pride. It was a whole debate. Should they be in the space or not?
On one hand, it helped those in the community feel safe. There were people who went with their kids to show their support. Some people even wore shirts that said things like “Free Mom/Dad Hugs!” (Dennis thought that sounded nice, even if they weren’t for him.)
On the other, there were those in the community who thought allies being at Pride and Pride events were making the month about themselves. Like the allies there wanted a gold star, or something. Dennis was horrified at that. That wasn’t the point of Pride at all. It was to make sure those who had to fight for their rights were seen and heard. There was still progress to be done, Dennis knew that. So he also knew he didn’t know everything about this whole debacle.
“I already said I’d pay,” Trinity said. Victoria looked interested in their conversation now, creeping closer. “And don’t even think about feeling guilty. You’re not guilty about all my fruits you’ve massacred.”
“What are we talking about?” Victoria asked, finally close enough to properly join the conversation. Dennis gave her a smile before staring back down at the tablet. If he could get even a few seconds of silence, he’d be able to read the chart of his patient in central nine.
“Huckleberry doesn’t want to go to Pride,” Trinity sighed. It sounded much sadder than Dennis knew it actually was.
“Oh!” Victoria stood a little straighter. “Would it be your first one? My first Pride was when I was sixteen and I was really nervous, but my dad took me and that helped. It’s really fun!”
“It’s not that I don’t want to go,” Dennis said, “I just know there’s that whole… debate? So I think it’s best if I sit it out.” Victoria’s brows furrowed as she tilted her head. Dennis blinked at the confused look. When he looked to Trinity to see what he’d said wrong, she looked confused as well.
“What are you talking about?” Trinity asked. Her arms did that thing where they went limp. Like for once her body didn’t know what kind of exaggerated movement to make. Dennis shifted on his feet.
“You know,” he said, “That whole thing about if allies should be at Pride or not?”
“Wh….” Victoria snapped her mouth shut. She shook her head and raised her hands as if recalibrating. Dennis panicked.
“Am I… Is that not a thing anymore?” Dennis asked. His eyes turned to Trinity. Her mouth hung open as she stared at him, looking him up and down. “Should I not be saying that? Is there something wrong with… ally?”
“Nope.” Trinity popped the p. She frowned and shook her head. “Nothing wrong with that at all. Um. Just… I think me and Vic figured you were queer.”
For a moment Dennis’ heart stopped. The negative connotations that came with that word slammed into him. Every time he heard his brothers say it or their friends hit him. Often, it was directed at him and back then he didn’t know why it felt bad, but now he knew.
But this came from Trin. She was a friend and lesbian. She could say it. She was allowed and it was a general catch all term. Right. That was what Dennis learned back in college from his friend. It was fine because Trinity said it.
“Why?” Dennis asked. He didn’t mean for it to come out defensive. “I mean… I just… I’m curious. Is all.”
“It’s cool, Huckleberry,” Trinity said, though her eyes drifted over his shoulder as she straightened. He tilted his head and looked behind him, but the only person there was Doctor Robby looking down at his own tablet. His face looked a little red and Dennis wondered if he’d just come back from a difficult patient. They always seemed to make Robby’s face red. “We’ll, uh. Talk at home?” Dennis didn’t think there was anything to talk about.
“Okay,” he said anyway, “Sure.”
Wine was poured and Dennis drank from his own glass, a little nervous. Trinity didn’t do serious. The last time she had been serious was when Dennis found her on the floor of her bathroom staring at her razor for shaving as if… contemplating. He sat with her and she started crying and told Dennis everything.
They didn’t talk about it much. It had been one of the times Dennis tried to use what he learned in theology to help calm her and it worked. Somehow, those words got through to her that time and she relaxed in his hold. Dennis made her promise to tell him if she ever contemplated again or if she ever relapsed. She made him promise not to judge her.
“Never.” Dennis told her with a kiss to the crown of her head. “I would never.”
Now, she had a very serious look on her face as she sighed and sat on the opposite side of the couch, her own glass in hand. She looked and Dennis with narrowed eyes and he tried not to squirm under her gaze. Sometimes he thought she might be able to see right through him and to his core. He hoped not. He thought his core might be tainted by everything he grew up learning.
“Alright,” Trinity said, “You’re not gay.”
“No.” Dennis said. “I am not.”
“You’re sure?”
“Pretty sure, Trin.” Trinity eyed him then took a swig from her glass. She set it down before grabbing her computer. Whatever she looked for after booting it up, she found fast. She took his glass halfway to his mouth and plopped her computer in his lap before scooting close to him.
“Okay, take this,” she said. Dennis stared down at the screen.
“I am not taking a gay quiz,” he said, “This is stupid. I’m straight.”
“So take it and prove it.” Dennis wanted to argue that wasn’t how it worked, but Trinity just pointed at the first question and started reading out loud.
Dennis huffed and answered it with a click. The quiz automatically moved on to the next one. A question about his celebrity crush. He clicked his answer and Trinity snorted next to him.
“What!” Dennis asked, looking away.
“No, keep going,” she said.
“Look, everyone has a celebrity man-crush. That’s normal.”
“Jennifer Aniston was right there!”
“Jennifer Aniston isn’t Sebastian Stan!” Trinity flapped her hand and Dennis looked back at the quiz.
They made it through the rest of quiz with Trinity still giving out her commentary. Dennis hesitated on a few of the questions. One of them asked how he felt about seeing same-gender couples holding hands. The mouse hovered over “It makes me want to know what that feels like” for a long time. That question, Trinity had been entirely silent on.
It wasn’t because it was a gay couple. It was just because Dennis had never really been in a relationship. Those were hard to get into and hard to determine if someone liked him. There were plenty of women he could have asked out in college, but he was focused on his studies. On the professors at the front of the class. That was where his focus had been.
And when he was younger it wasn’t a priority. There was no need for marriage yet, just practice, but Dennis worked hard on the farm. The practice he needed was making sure he could provide for a family. Because he would marry a woman and have a few kids and that would be that.
It was his only option.
The website loaded and Dennis felt a weird sense of dread and anxiety before the screen popped up.
“Nope,” Dennis said, shoving the computer to Trinity, “Find another one. That one’s broken.” His heart hammered in his chest at the flag for gay pride. It had a question mark in the middle. The caption started off with something about questioning or just starting to understand his sexuality.
Dennis felt queasy.
“Den—” Trinity tried.
“Find a different one.” Dennis demanded. Trinity hummed and went back to her search. Dennis pointed to one that looked more silly. Obviously, if it was more silly it would be easier. That meant it would be easier to answer and it would be faster to get through.
There were a few similar questions. Some of them were definitely put in as jokes. Those were a bit fun to answer. Trinity looked away for some of them to grab her drink and Dennis answered a bit faster when her head was turned.
“Okay, this question is stupid,” Dennis muttered. His face was hot as he read it over again: Do you had a man-crush on a male authority figure in your life?
“Well, do you?” Trinity poked his side. “It’s just a dumb quiz, right?” Dennis swallowed as he stared at the question.
“I don’t… Look, there’s like one male authority figure in my life.”
“Mmm. Still not an answer.” Dennis squeezed his eyes shut as he selected yes. When he dared to open one eye, the gay pride flag was there again.
There were tears swimming in his eyes. It was weird. This wasn’t a bad thing. It was just… a thing. It was two dumb quizzes that really didn’t mean anything. The internet didn’t know Dennis better than he knew himself. Dennis knew himself perfectly well, thank you very much. He wanted to marry a woman, in a church, and have a nice picket fence with three kids.
That thought made his stomach roll worse than the result on the first quiz.
The laptop moved from his thighs and Dennis’ hands hovered where the keyboard had been. It didn’t make sense. Dennis lived for almost twenty-seven years knowing himself. He knew himself. He should know himself well enough to understand what he liked. What he knew.
Dennis kind of wanted Robby to help him like he’d helped the man during Pittfest. He wanted someone to pull him from the ground and get him walking again because he was worried the world would tilt under his feet.
He didn’t stand. He didn’t even try as he turned and collapsed into Trinity’s waiting arms.
She didn’t make any comments or jokes while he cried. Just hugged him tight and let him get everything out. It was a lot like that night on the bathroom floor. She knew what he needed and didn’t push for him to talk. Just let him cry and hug her and be hugged. It wasn’t something he got from his family when he’d been younger. Things like this were ignored.
“I was twelve,” Trinity said when Dennis’ sobs finally turned into sniffles, “All of the girls in my class were giggling about which boys they thought were cutest. Like, Jacob had dark hair and Edward had piercing eyes.”
“Those are Twilight characters,” Dennis interrupted.
“Shut up. I’m telling a story.” Dennis went quiet ad Trinity took in a deep breath. “Anyway, I thought to myself ‘Well, Bella is a lot cuter than them. Her hair is curly and she has a cute bump on her nose.’ I said something like that and all of the girls just sort of… stopped and looked at me. Like I was freak.”
“You’re not a freak.”
“Neither are you.” Trinity’s fingers found the bottom of Dennis’ curls. The mullet she made him grow out. His eyes fluttered shut as she rubbed the hair between her fingers. “You don’t have to come out. To anyone. Not even yourself, really. We can just… pretend this didn’t happen. Put on like… The Notebook or something.”
“We are so not watching The Notebook.” Dennis sniffed and relaxed a little. There was no pressure here. If he wanted, if he really wanted, they would just ignore it. Ignore the fact that two stupid quizzes had been what made Dennis realize this about himself. It sounded nice. He still had a full glass of wine.
A realization hit him.
“Oh my God.” Dennis groaned and hid his face in Trinity’s neck as he spoke. “I’m attracted to Doctor Robby.”
Trinity laughed.