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Chapter 1: Let Me Die
In an attempt to survive, sometimes one must become a different person. Or perhaps change is the result of survival, a cycle of wounds crusting over into scars, fading into pale memories that even the body soon forgets.
Surviving is baring your teeth, surviving is existence without reward. It’s a fear of death, a fear of letting go, and a stubbornness to prove that it was all worth it.
So, was it worth it?
As Jaiden looked up at the red sky above her, choking on her own blood, she asked herself that question. Over and over again, it repeated in her mind like a curse. It felt taunting, infuriating, because she was taking too long to answer.
It’s not like it was a test, her answer didn’t matter. She was stuck in Purgatory, dying on burning sand and sharp rocks. But it was loud in her mind, like a cuckoo-clock off schedule, unwound and crazy.
Was it worth it? Was it?
She turned to her side slowly and painfully, coughing up another clot of blood before gasping for air. Her body was trembling, responding terribly to her efforts; that awful stubbornness to keep going. There was no sound around her other than her rapid heartbeat, her shuddering breaths, the gushing blood spilling out of her wounds, and the dragging of her limbs. She sobbed pathetically, her voice barely making it through her teeth, like a hiss. Dirt was packed under her nails from her desperate clawing, almost tearing off of her nail-beds.
No, it wasn’t worth it. In no world, in no universe, would anyone ever look at her life and say it was worth the struggle. There was no point to it.
Her eyes became cloudy and glossy, making her vision fade uncomfortably. They stung bad, she could hardly keep them open. There was nothing to see other than red anyways, so why bother?
Death wasn’t as calming as she imagined it would be. She expected her body to feel lighter, for her eyes to shut and for her mind to remain in a dream for the rest of eternity. But she was stuck feeling heavier than ever, unable to move, and still in pain. The only thing holding her in an embrace were the heat waves rising around her in a dance.
At the same time, she should have seen it coming. Jaiden felt like her time was very limited ever since she could remember. It was funny, she was so strangely optimistic despite always anticipating the worst. She'd smile the brightest, laugh the hardest, and still remembered to mourn the moment before it ever ended. Because nothing ever lasts.
So accepting the ultimate end should be easy, right? It's what she was preparing for. She had lost everything already, what more could she give?
Jaiden choked again as more blood clogged her throat. It was thick, and disgustingly warm. It made her gag, and eventually it made her throw up, though there was not much there. Purgatory didn’t have enough resources for her to have a full stomach.
Her blood seeped into the ground under her, soaked up by the dry sand and dirt. It painted each grain a thick crimson red.
She was alone.
And nothing felt more humiliating than that.
Her chest sank with a shaky exhale, struggling to rise again. Then she felt a small pinch of panic settle on her shoulders. Her already labored and erratic breathing became more chaotic. There was a frustrating feeling of claustrophobia too, like she was trapped in her own useless body. The blood was relentless, making her suffocate. Jaiden called out for help again, without the word really leaving her mouth. It was just a sound, gurgling through, and painfully quiet.
The truth was that even though there was no other reason to live, there absolutely was something to fear. There were no words she could use to describe the terrible, disgusting doubt she felt as her mind raced with regrets and happy memories. The doubt came from not knowing if she'll see her family again, if she'd be able to join them wherever they've gone to rest, and if her body would become a burden to those who remained in life. Jaiden had held on this far, hoping to live a long life for Bobby. And although she wanted so badly to join him, who knew if it was possible to do so? How could she leave the only place that had traces of her child still lingering in the very air, in the grass, the animals.. with no guarantee she'd have any piece of him beyond this world?
So despite her heart and mind being molded by constant, devastating grief, despite being so hungry for someone to understand her.. Despite it not being worth the struggle, she wanted to keep watching the sun set beyond the horizon.
Who would watch it in her absence?
Who, if not her?
Jaiden's body suddenly stopped responding, her lungs froze in place, and her heart stopped beating. The light in her eyes ceased to exist. And her face relaxed, finally seeming at peace.
She remained limp like that, continuing to bleed out on the hot sand.
There was a sudden, soft breeze that brushed over her body, as if the universe was kissing her goodbye.
It was quiet.
Gentle.
Until..
The breeze came back, going the opposite direction.
There was a trickle in the puddle of blood surrounding her, before it stopped moving. Slowly, very slowly, the puddle flowed backwards, seeping back into Jaiden's body through the wounds.
Color returned to her face as the blood flowed backwards, giving her life again. Her lungs expanded, and her chest rose shakily, as shakily as the struggle from before. A blinding light entered her eyes, her vision still blurry and glossy. She was breathing, shallow and desperate. After a gasp, the puddle of blood she had gagged out rushed into her mouth and up her nose. Her eyes widened as her body convulsed with a sob, and then a choke, shifting onto her back and looking up at the sky… That damned red hell they had to live under.
She choked again, but this time the blood moved down her throat instead of up.
It all happened so fast..
Things were moving in reverse, like some kind of rewind on an old videotape.
Jaiden didn’t get enough time to think about it, feeling the trembling in her limbs returning.
After dragging herself backwards, with the ruble and sand underneath scratching her skin, she felt it… a blade entering her gut down into the ground beneath her, all the way to the cross-guard. It pulled out quickly before the same happened to her neck. The blood was rushing now, back into the individual veins it had spilled from.
She could breathe again, clearly and effortlessly.
Her body floated up unnaturally, almost to have her standing again, before she felt a sharp pain in her skull. Right.. Someone had struck her from behind.
The shattered bone flew back under her scalp and molded together as the blunt object pulled away. Her vision was clear again, and focused. The pain disappeared, as if nothing had ever happened. Jaiden’s body moved without permission and was forced to follow her previous steps, so her eyes couldn’t wander around the scene. She couldn’t make out who it was standing behind her, there wasn’t even a shadow to give her a hint.
Time seemed to stop once she was standing up right. It stayed like that for a few seconds, quiet and eerie. Jaiden’s heart was racing, or what felt to be her heart. She wasn’t sure how to feel or what to feel as everything stayed still.
What was happening? Why couldn’t she move?
Then, in a split second, the sound of the world returned to her. She was struck in the back of her head, sending a strong wave of pain through her body. Her eyes blurred from the force, and then from the pressure of her brain swelling almost immediately. She was stabbed in the neck the second she hit the ground, and then again in the stomach.
Though, she didn’t get far enough to turn to her side before everything reversed again. The sting of the sharp sword came and left like before, all the way back to where she was standing.
She was struck at the back of her head, sending pieces of her skull flying in the air as she fell. And then again, and again. It went back to her standing, to her being struck, to standing, and her skull shattering once more.
Jaiden wanted to scream, Jaiden wanted to die.
Why was this happening to her? Was this another torturing hour Purgatory had implemented? Was she meant to relive the last minute for that long? All just to die in the end? She couldn't handle that, she'd go insane.
Jaiden fell to the ground, her vision blurry once more.
It went on like that, repeating and reversing infinitely, enough for the events to mix up and intertwine. She’d throw up after falling, or cough up blood while standing. Her skull would fracture, her brain would swell, and the pieces would fly back before her brain could shrink down.
Her body started splitting from how fast time was reversing and advancing. She could see herself on the ground, being stabbed, while still standing. Or the other way around, where she’d watch her head explode from her spot on the ground.
Jaiden's body became two, and then three, and then four. They formed a pile, her blood flowing and making a lake around it. She could see bones splitting, then crashing together, muscles ripping just to be sewn back up. The pain was unbearable, and still, she couldn’t scream.
At some point. the ground split with earth-shaking fractures, there was a loud explosion, and fire everywhere. She saw flashes of light, the sight of a great ship, heard screams and panicked voices.. but was it something she had seen before?
No, this was their future.. a deadly explosion must have destroyed Purgatory. Perhaps it was always meant to be their end. Escape was a lie, and hope had been a sick fucking joke.
What was the point?
Why had they ever been alive?
Then the rumbling of the earth and the fire engulfing it stopped, with the clouds in the sky quickly stretching and dragging backwards. The earth itself was spinning against it's natural rotation, reversing the days and nights. Everything smeared together, until she appeared standing in front of Roier, with Bobby's Soul embedded in her abdomen. She could see his face, his tired eyes, the overgrown stubble across his jaw and chin. She wanted to hold his face, to wipe it of his sorrows, but she couldn't move outside of what already was.
Every other sounds was muffled by their breaths. A faint light from beyond the black and gray clouds made it through, bathing Roier in yellow sunlight she hadn't seen in weeks.
Jaiden smiled, walking further against the sword. Roier helped her fall gently, with the support of his arm around her. He had let her rest atop his lap as she waited to reset. Although they were on opposing teams, separated by Purgatory's rules, he was still her partner. His eyes had turned to slits as he hunted for for pray, for kills, and yet he looked at her with the same kindness he had shown her before it all went to hell. He could see her, he had always been able to see her.
For a moment, it felt like they were looking in a mirror, studying their reflections. It was private, and beautiful. Truly, as if they were the only ones in the world. Jaiden was usually bad at reading faces, but Roier's expressions were always clear.
But she wondered about what could have been going through Roier's mind. All that was circling Jaiden's was how indescribably sad she was for him, because all anyone could do was praise him. Sure, she was proud too, very proud. He was a beast, a warrior, a machine built for battle. But there was such a clear desperation in his eyes, masked with fatigue and anger.. a coldness unfitting of his person. Roier was stubbornly fighting to survive too, probably feeling just as sorry for her.
That was the last time she saw her partner, her best friend.
They never said goodbye.
Suddenly, the scene started blurring again, dragging and dragging, but nothing was recognizable. A ringing started in her ear, first like TV static, loud and distracting. It got impossibly louder, pulsing directly into her eardrums. There were words mixed into it, distant, so she couldn’t make sense of them.
Some of it was familiar, most of it meant nothing to her. But there was no end to it, making her ears bleed. It was too loud. It was scary.
Why was this happening to her?
What was there to do?
What could have spared her of this torture?
Just what?
She just wanted to die.
Then, everything went quiet and dark. Jaiden could feel something happening around her. It wasn’t physical, but there was a strong presence engulfing her. Almost like she was falling through an insurmountable abyss, while her body struggled to stay in one piece.
Down, down, down.
She fell further, feeling smaller with every second that passed by. And right after she saw a small dot of light above her, she felt like she was split right in half. And only half of her body continued to fall while the other stayed in place. Her insides stretched to keep the two pieces connected, driving another bone-shattering wave of pain throughout her entire existence.
There was dark water.
There was a pinch on her wrist.
And then nothing.
In and out, in and out.
She inhaled..
And then exhaled..
She breathed.
She breathed so smoothly, so openly, all of the air she took in almost made her choke. It didn’t sting, and it smelled fresh, like a breeze in an open field. Her eyelids fluttered from the sensation, but they were still a bit too heavy to open fully.
Jaiden tossed and turned gently, her arms sliding across soft silk and fluff, her head was being supported, and the wings behind her ears felt a coolness underneath that helped her relax. It was comfortable, very comfortable.
She realized she wasn’t in pain anymore. Not at all. Sure, there was the familiar sting from the scar on the right side of her body, but it was nothing compared to what she was now used to. Her legs curled up for her knees to meet her chest, and she tucked her face in. Her lips tugged at the corners, forming a small smile on her face. What was going on? There was no chance, no way in hell, not even a hope in her heart that she could be anywhere else but Purgatory. Especially not after the chaos she was thrown into just a minute ago.
This sense of peace was a facade, a simple trick to make her let her guard down. She will admit, this was a much needed break from all the trials she had to live through. She basked in the moment not knowing when it might be taken from her, stretching her limbs back out and flipping onto her stomach. The pillow smelt of fabric softener, flowers, and something else.. something familiar.
But.. that was impossible.
Jaiden's eyes shot open suddenly with a deep gasp as she simultaneously pushed herself up off of the mattress, suddenly remembering the choking sensation that had suffocated her moments before. But before she could dwell on the hell she lived through, her eyes met a painting hanging right above the bed frame, all while her fingers gripped the sheets tightly. Jaiden stared at the canvas, following each bump and groove formed by dry brush strokes and fingerprints as her chest rose and fell dramatically with each heavy breath. Small, smaller than she recalled.
In and out, in and out.
A twist of pain began in her heart, and her hand instinctively went to rub her chest. She then unwillingly let out a whine from deep within her throat, her heart was crying.
It couldn't be.
The burning sensation behind her eyes started slowly, before tears gathered on her waterline. Scared to look anywhere else, she stared at the painting for a while, stuck on the memory. Little, faint voices emerged from the back of her mind. Giggles and cheers, all circling her brain, a sound that had seeped into the walls of the house. But eventually, her watery eyes wandered. The room looked empty, but not the way it was the last time she was there, when she and Roier had gone home the day Bobby died. It felt new.. Clean. There was a sinking feeling in her gut, and something eerie in the air. It was a feeling she had never felt before, like comfort mixed with a desperate need to run away.
She hesitantly crawled out of the small bed, one that didn't smell like her baby, cautiously feeling the ground with her foot before fully putting her weight on it. She didn’t know if it was because she didn’t trust the floor, or if it was because she didn’t trust that her legs would support her. She wasn’t even sure of what she was seeing. Or she was at least pretending not to know. Because really, she knew. It was engraved in her mind. Once she looked out the window, it became clearer still. There were only trees and shrubs, the foundations of a castle wall, and the forest that existed before everything.
The land was untouched.
It was.. Nothing.
She could almost hear the world move. Slowly, subtly, but surely. Like the passage of time, only visible in the layers of sediment on a cliff’s edge, carved out by wind and sand.
Was this a dream or some kind of memory? Or was it the real thing?
For a short.. agonizing moment, she felt relieved. Seeing this sight was something she thought she'd never get to experience again.
Of course, she had pondered about it before.. the idea of starting over, of going back and fixing her mistakes. Jaiden often imagined a world in which had no monsters, no dangers, a place where she and her family could live happily. An alternate universe in which everything went right. She wished for a chance to see Bobby again, but it was unlikely to happen.
No, this had to be a short dream, and only a dream. She didn’t deserve another try.
Her relief didn't last long before it turned into fear.. into pure terror. Jaiden pinched her thigh, hard, twisting the surface of her skin while her hands started to tremble. It had to be a dream, there was no other explanation. Maybe it was a joke. It was funny, right? It was just her luck. Of course.. this would only happen to her.
To be pitied, to be laughed at, to be toyed with.. that was her destiny.
Jaiden lifted her hand and touched the window glass. The warmth of her palm left just the slightest bit of steam against it, before she let her hand fall, wiping it away. This was real, she was real. But was there anyone else here with her? Was she the only one that was sent back, or did the rest of her team come along with her?
“Mm?”
Jaiden froze.
The sound came from behind her, so small, peeking from the stair entrance to the room. She could tell by the sound, the distance, the slight echo.. She took a step back, involuntarily, as if she was physically pushed by the realization.
“Jaiden? You’re home?” Another voice, one she knew well.
Her breath hitched.
And finally, she turned to look at them, at the two bodies that produced those sounds. At the two faces who made the best parts of her. God, they looked so different back then. Compared to the last time she saw both of them, the two standing in front of her looked almost like porcelain dolls.. clean, bright, and perfect.
Her lips were parted, suddenly feeling very dry. Her palms grew sweaty, and her brows tensed. Every hair and feather on her body stood with chills, feeling like something had crawled up her spine. But she couldn’t say a word. It was as if all of her guilt and all of her sadness came back at once and sealed her throat shut. She couldn’t help but feel that something was extremely wrong, so wrong. How? Just how were they standing there, healthy and..
Countless times, she had thought she heard Bobby’s voice, only to turn and see no one. Countless times, her eyes would scan the horizon for any signs of him, her heart would ache and cry, searching right along with them. What her eyes could not see, her heart would not accept, and her mind was never at ease. Like a kid afraid of the dark, only a ray of light could calm her.. but her light had died down and faded long ago. So now, the only reasonable explanation would be that she lost her mind; or that at least, her mind gave up on trying to make the pill easier to swallow, and instead it chose to feed into her delusions. She went insane with desperation and sadness, that had to be it.
Even back then, when she saw Bobby’s corpse, the first thing she thought to do was to smell him. Like an animal, she was reduced to her most primal instincts, one of a mother she didn’t know she could be. She smelled his hair, his cheeks, his neck, his wrists and palms; all until the smell of her baby wore out. Nothing else was more important than memorizing his scent. Jaiden had to fight to stay with him for that long, ignoring the calls from her friends, their voices asking her to move. She couldn't remember what they said very well, but she remembered Roier's frustrated pacing, and Cellbit's attempts to calm him.
The three of them died that day, but only one of their hearts stopped beating. That cursed thing. If she could, she would have ripped hers out and given it to him.
Everything became gray for Jaiden after his death, except for all of the blue in the world. And Jaiden hated it, she'd hated seeing the ocean, seeing the sky. Every blue flower was a twist of the knife. It felt like the earth itself pitied her too, it was laughing at her.
Surely.
In and out, in and out.
She breathed, shaking.
She swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat.
And then, Jaiden smiled. She really wished she could laugh. Really. But she couldn’t, she only smiled, waiting for the sight in front of her to disappear. Waiting for the pain to come back, the itchy feeling on her skin.. the burning, the hunger, the fatigue. She hoped she would disappear. If this was Purgatory, it would be much easier to endure if it went back to being a rotten, red hell. She would rather be malnourished, laying in the sand with her throat cut up and aching. To be melting in acid rain, to be forced to fight, to have the sun burn her until she was nothing.. Anything else would be fine.
Not this.
This was too cruel. A curse. A punishment.
Too close to the only wish her heart desired.
Now she only wanted to die.
She wanted to lay lifeless for the rest of eternity until all of the stars in the sky fell and the ground beneath her ceased to exist. Just like what she had suggested to Roier after going home together.
To meet her fate in that explosion, one she was sure killed everyone she knew.
Jaiden moved her hands behind her back, holding them together. The tears that sat on the border of her waterline slowly calmed and went away as if they were never there to begin with, the wrinkle between her brows relaxed, her breathing steadied.. in and out, in and out, and a calm washed over her body.
It wasn't worth it.
Struggling was pointless.
Survival was impossible.
Living was impossible.
It wasn't meant to last.
Right?
“Yeah, I’m home.”