Archive of Our Own

“Dr. Grace?” Grace looks up at the track. He has been so engrossed in his work, he didn’t even notice that someone was standing in front of his door before he spoke.

On the steps of the door of his office is a man in a work coat, black hair tied in a ponytail where some locks escape from it. He held a steaming cup in each hand; when he saw that he had captured his attention, a smile appeared on his face and lit his eyes.

“Sorry", he rose from his seat and tried to put some order in the papers scattered all over, “I totally forgot you were passing.”

Only after turning on himself to see where to put everything he ended up stashing it in a corner.

“So this cafe is really going to save you.”

Will his guest, while speaking his words, look at him making a fool of himself, hold out to him one of the cups right in his hand and place the second on the desk, before taking on the only other chair in his tiny office. Oh, that's right, he told him he didn't drink coffee last time. And he had remembered that he only functioned on caffeine and on sleepless nights.

“Can I call you Ryland? It's quite a month full to always call you Doctor."

Ryland tried to send him a hard look while looking right in the eyes of his interlocutor. Was there really a good reason for sending him a rebuke? Neither of them would take the offense seriously.

He said this as naturally as possible, as he sat on the chair in front of his desk. The place was far too narrow, their knees were touching, but not close enough for them both to be glued together like that, but he couldn't detach his mind from the heat where their bodies met.

“And I will say that it would be a privilege, as a tip for this delivery,” he said mindlessly, taking a sip of his cup. The coffee was hot, a little better than the one in the machine on the other side of the corridor.

“No.”

He always looked at him with that smile; he came up to his eyes and made them shine.

He bent down, and placed one on the top of Ryland's knee, and in a low, suave voice almost murmured to him.

"But if I invite you to dinner, on the other hand," he lets his hand slide down, higher and higher on his thigh before continuing, "You can thank me properly then." 

He didn't realise he was putting more pressure on this offensive hand that was exploring while he got lost in his brown eyes, then he realized where this was leading.

Grace was coughing, he almost strangled himself with that childishness of his. Trying to give him a murderous look, but he was not very convincing; he could not hold it against him. Could he really call it that? It was a grown-up game after all.

“It works every time.” 

He stood up, giggled a little by seeing in what state he had put the teacher with his hands. 

“I’ll be back after my shift. Bye Ryland.”

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What strange memories.

For some time now, Grace had flashes and memories he started to remember. The process wasn't unknown to him after all when he woke up on the Mary the first time he was amnesic, that even his own name was unknown to him.

But the reason behind this was. No, no, he was lying to himself; he knows why. When he was taking inventory, he found one of the crew bags, more precisely the one with his own name.

How long had he postponed doing that? Everything from the Hail Mary was in his house now, no more delaying.

Those bags have been his obsessive fear for a long time, some of them were some of the last belongings of Yao and Ilyukhina. The last time he went through them was when he made their funeral.

So there weren't any reasons for him to open them, then again and for the one with his name, well, it hurt each time they weren't much personal effect in it except some clothes and little moments that his last kids had given him and that went decorating his tiny office when he was working on the astrophages.

Then there was a pendant with a seed kept inside -"I wonder if it could grow on Erid" - it wasn’t his, he didn’t have a green thumb, but since he found it he’s been dreaming of a man who seemed to constantly taunt him. His name was on the tip of his tongue, he knew it.

“What is this question ?”

He was so engrossed in his own head that he didn’t hear Rocky approaching. His friend never had the need to knock; he had long abandoned the prospect of a closed door. Rocky once asked him why he had the need for it. He talked  about possible thieves and intruders, but what was needed for this when there were already engineers monitoring the biodome where he lives.

“Some kind of seed…but I think it's more a memento from my life on earth. It is important but not to me, it was his owner that was important…”

“Why does Grace have someone else belonging, question? Bad, Grace is thief.”

It always has been funny that Rocky always says he doesn’t understand human jokes, but he always had a caustic humor.

But a thief maybe he is, how would he know he is doubting his own memory he could have a Lucky Luciano-style phase at this point he couldn’t know. 

“I thought I had recovered most of my memories, Rocky, but apparently I was wrong. I forgot something and that was important for me. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have this.”

“You know Rocky, I didn't know at the time, but I think I lied to you.”

No sound to ask him questions, his friend must certainly intensively listen to what he was going to say next; it also meant that they were giving him time for him to find his words.

“I think I got someone back on earth, or gotten; I don't know, it's still fuzzy up there.”

Even after this, which still left him with shadows from his past, that he thought he was at peace with it – he had come to the idea that his memory could never fully return or reclaim it – but this kind of shadow, so important, should no longer be possible, right? No, the worst part is that he feels bad about being able to lie to Rocky, even if it was a lie by omission, even though Rocky is perfectly aware of his memory problems.

Instead, Rocky folded his legs under him and leaned against Grace, who was shrinking into the ground a bit more each time; tears were running down his face, already wet spots forming on his shirt. They never liked to see his human friend have a fragile heart, he thought, always caring, always in fractured pieces never entirely healing.

“I think I got a mate back there and I feel bad because I had completely forgotten about them for so long.”

I see you tomorrow. I know I will.

beat

“How can you forget someone that was that important…”

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The two were lying on a makeshift bed on the floor; they were a mess of legs and sheets.

They were hidden behind one of the only doors that had a lock on the inside; they had been doing that for months; no one would dare to come here before early tomorrow morning. 

A little place of makeshift heaven that wasn't too much here where they all work to ‘save the world’, or at least getting more time before the catastrophe gets too dire…

But now he can forget it just in an instant just when he, Ryland Grace, places his head on the bare chest of his companion, tightly listening to his heartbeat and his breathing, while the latter brushes absently his back with his fingertips.

"I feel like I’m back in college."

It was every time like this, strolling private time between two shifts, every free moment just to be in the presence of the other, getting late to meetings for indulging in an embrace or a kiss.

"Could you tell me more about how it was? I have never been to one?"

He got up a little, leaning on his elbows, seeing at the same time the red marks that were starting to pepper at the base of his neck. He felt a certain pride at the sight; it was him who had done it after all. He must be in no better stats. It’s moments like this where he was happy to wear loose clothes that allowed him to hide the majority of sweats and other marks that had started to mark his body. 

Ah, yes, his question; he nearly missed that he got rebuffed, bad distraction that this man was, and he knew it, and the worst he played with it.

“You're a technician, surely you have some degrees or something?”

“What if I say I learned everything on a boat by repairing engines since I was fifteen.”

"That I would really been impressed”, once again, he laughs a little at that. “I tell you If you tell me why you constantly walk around with this medallion, it seems to be important to you."

That almost could have been mistaken for jealousy. But both knew that wasn't the case, Ryland had always been the kind to talk before thinking; he would have been a bad detective to spill all the clues found before confronting the murderer.

"It’s just a seed from the garden where I grew up. It reminds me why I’m here."

Forget uni, forget this cupboard or his tiny office, that right they were there to learn about astrophage and to find a way to save the sun. -what a killer mood- they weren’t meant to indulge themselves like they do, they could get into trouble for that, worst if Start learn about that; she must already know about it maybe she is doing nothing yet because he didn’t let his work get troubled by this relationship (?) 

But she would use it the second she gets more utility to attending to her goal; that is how she works.

And it was also this moment that had become an additional reason for success, it was no longer just for the children that he did that, but his children and one more person.

"Perhaps when the sun is healed, we could replant it."

"We?"

The hand behind his back had stopped moving.

"Why not? I don’t have a green thumb. We shouldn’t expect a miracle..."

There was a sort of shock that his words had provoked. He tried to back pedal, his proposition was too absurd. Maybe he doesn't want to remember where he grew up; maybe it's a bad place with bad people. Though he never said much about it.

“Or not, what-”

He was cut off by the touch of a tongue in his mouth; he let himself be lost in sensation, his words forgotten, the hand at the base of the neck was grounding him.

There was so much love and tenderness. He never wanted to let it go.

Oh, ooh he said it without realising it, of course this smart, absolutely wonderful man I know what he had really said behind his babbling like always. He should have said it; it was the perfect time to say it:

“ █ ████ ███, █████ “

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Let's see what could be the strangest and most unexpected event that could happen on Erid. Let’s say rather that an unforeseen event made its appearance, but really of all the possibilities that it could have happened, this one was the most incongruous and improbable possible.

He does not say if this stranger had just landed while they were still in space on their spaceship. There could have been a better chance to understand and explain... but here we’re talking about a humanoid covered in blood, and probably not just his own, who popped out of nowhere into the only oxygen dome on this planet. 

Because he’s breathing oxygen as well, of course!

And he speaks English, of course.

It’s a rather powerful alignment of planets, the kind that could lead Zuul to appear in the middle of the kitchen, it wouldn’t be surprising at this point.

███,█████ ██ ███ ████ █ ██████ 

The first days of cohabitation had gone rather well in retrospect. It’s true that it was difficult to complain about someone who was asleep, then only conscious for a few minutes a day. The painkillers had prevented any coherent conversation of more than three sentences, which was a shame because his new roommate – yes, that’s how he decided to call him until he got him a best nickname –  was curious about his environment and the moments of consciousness he had, which amounted to asking him questions about Armando, himself, where he was, what happened to him medically, and so on.

Grace thanked the existence of medicine when he introduced Rocky, he expressed this childlike curiosity, exacerbated by the brain fog he was having. He couldn’t wait for it to be over, all three had so many questions to ask.

You should have been here it's was amazing. ███ ████ ███ █████ ██ ███████ ██ ██████ ███ █████

The man must be approximately the same height as him, with broad shoulders, dark brown medium-length hair that had to be cut will clean him up. 

Most of the damage was taken on the left side of his body, there were multiple burns. Most of them turned out to be caused by radiation. If the man stayed, they would need to watch out for that in future months.

The most notable feature is his missing left arm, which was nearly healed when he took care of it. His left shoulder and pectoral mer marred with a mark of tendrils, but whatever had left those marks didn’t leave any trace. The second thing was the bony outgrowth on his cheek down his jaw, that was more teeth-like, but nothing threatening at this point.

Until one day along his path of recovery it was time to unplug him from the nannybot.

It was certainly not pleasant, and there was still a long time before he was considered fully recovered, but he was well enough to begin to regain his autonomy. He even went so far as to let him change himself, offering him the little privacy available.

Tell me again what your class looked like. With those tiny planets on the ceiling.

But when he left the room with on his back what was closest to real clothing was the scraps of fabric assembled together than he wore when he arrived. Anyway, he had thrown them. There was nothing really fixable between the holes and the blood soaking them. But what really happened was that he stopped dead when he saw him, something rare, his jaw dropped and his brain stopped reacting. 

Ryland, you know you have a bed, right? You don't have to sleep on your desk. Or do you want me to tuck in?

The majority of the bandages on his face have been taken off, and his wounds are healing significantly better than he had anticipated, possibly even faster than normal.

He looked more human now if you skip, the all strange part. He looks more as- how could he not see it before, as it was so familiar.

Once this is over I will got a house, maybe not far from the coast, would you come live with me?

And that's how he let it slip.

“Simon…”

At this precise moment, there was no tenderness behind this face, only incomprehension and anger. It doesn’t stop the small pang in his heart from building to a dull ache at the sigh. He saw his muscles tense up, a fist clunch at his side as ready to punch at any given moment. Where his face has been open but still a little cautious, now he was barring his teeth.

“How do you know my name?”

That is how everyone would react, really that was comprehensible after all he never gave his name.

The little trust that both of them had managed to build, this very fragile little bubble had just burst with a crashing bang.

“I..I…”

I'm sorry Dr.Grace but, the name you gave me, Simon E. Klemann, his name, was among the victims of the explosion.

He had not made the connection until that moment, but this other human who had invited himself was also the one who haunted his dreams and his mind before that. He die in the explosion the same one that had sealed him for this mission.

How could his brain betray him like this? It's been weeks since he was trying to remember what had happened, what had been his name, and it's NOW that he finally remembered it. How can you tell someone that they are in your dreams as your deceased lover.

His eyes burn tears already forming. He can't, he can't; he keeps repeating himself. That is how his old instincts resurface, one he had buried a long time ago kicked in and he ran.There were not a thousand places where he could run and flee, especially for a long time. They would eventually come get him, but to hell with the reason. Right away, nothing mattered.

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In the last few days Rocky and Simon seem to get along and so he decided to leave the two alone most of the time; it was easier to just let them some time to get acquainted, but he was avoiding them both each time.

The few classes he has given to his students are kind enough not to point something out that was off; maybe they have ears of the second human, and he was acting strangely because of it. In a way, they wouldn't have been wrong.

He had been so happy for the kids to be there, not for him of course; they weren't there for him personally, only the lesson he provided, but how could he explain to them how grateful he's been for them to just exist and listen to his ‘earth rembling’. 

They have always been here and made him forget all the dark clouds in his head, if earth received the beetles, the caged 

biodome - he had a bad day that he felt like an animal in a cage - the fact he woke up in space alone with corpses left to die with them.

And here he was really happy to have a new roommate, that wasn't Rocky. 

Not that he doesn’t enjoy their company, they both traveled for years, at the beginning when he arrived on Erid, he was still dependent on their presence, but that had to change.

Man, they need to go back to their mate, they had been too long separated from Adrian, and the best thing is that they have waited for them. They should not lose their reunion to him.

And him, he needs… he needs to leave his past behind. It was no secret but also something they won't say out loud: he won't go back.

When he was not working or preparing his classes, he let his mind wander over a life that he had imagined for a moment, a reason why he did not want to leave the earth. On one hand, it’s true, he was a coward; he doesn’t face problems, he dodges them, but for a moment, he wanted to be selfish, and it was with Simon and now...

But this Simon, he only looks like the one he remembers, but he can look at him and not remember all those memories he had, the time they spent together. Right now he doesn’t really want to know him better, he only wants to indulge himself in the past.

No, no he should let that past where it belongs behind him.

Oh gosh he can't do that, last time it was easy to do it he had two worlds to save he didn't have time to mop on his feelings.

He had tried to rationalize what was going on, yet all the options he could find were in the ranks of the impossible. But that was what others had said about his theory of life without water until the day he encountered extraterrestrial life, which proved to him he was wrong.

Wormhole, parallel universe, some pocket dimension, some kind of rift, mirror universe, fluidic space, xanax reality… he passed through most of the theories he knew about and none of them gave him any comfort.

Rocky actually really wanted to get him out of his futile and silly habits, his own words. Adrian also tried to convince him but they were less insistent.

Their mate on the other hand , who is supposed to be his best friend, has befriended the enemy and more than once wakes him in the middle of the night for him to talk with Simon. “Humans are stupid," phrases had once too many times been used in those moments. But he holds tight, so he can play deaf again for fifty years if needed. 

“You're right buddy, humans are really stupid.”

Then he finally arrived to do it, and that signed his final day, where he gave his final breath. Or more he manages to corner him, making it impossible to escape. The worst was the treason, Rocky helped him by blocking the door, so now they were both in the same room. For a second he thought about jumping out of the window, but then remembered the inevitable fall from the cliff… and that it was not a real window but a glass wall.

At least he looks better now, more healthy even than when he unwired him from the nannybot. He could see he got some colour that wasn’t only the red radiation burn or the picky healed flesh from the healed wound. He was standing steadily on his feet now, no more limping, he was actually a bit shorter than him. Standing upright in front of him, he was determined that he could see it too.

“We need to talk.”

Of course they also have the same voice, he had forgotten this details, this conversation is going to be painful.

“Any conversation that starts like this never ends well.”

“Ok, stop talking and listen for a second.”

Grace shot his hands in front of him, showing her surrendering, then proceeded to sit in the middle of the room. It was better that he didn't search where to sit at this point, his heart was already beating crazy.

“Right.” He took a huge inspiration, was he nervous too?

“First: I’m sorry. I’m sorry if you thought I was going to hurt you. But you really scared me when you said my name. I thought I was actually back on one of the stations of the C.O.I. and that you had lied, and well…”

Simon passed in front of him, mumbling and cursing, biting his bottom lip as he was shearing for his next sentence, his hand always moving. He must have tried to make an order of what he wanted to say, but now it was chaotic. After a moment he stopped as he remembered something and started searching in his pocket.

“Rocky, the alien that was always there, he gave me this and said you were already acting strange when you found it.”

From it he gets out a pendant, the pendant, the one with the seed in it.

He didn’t have it? When did he lose it? Instinctively he patted himself to see if it was his, but there were no other pendants like this one on Erid. He was sure he keeps had it on him all the time.

Simon wasn't looking at him he was looking at it with so much melancholy, an indestructible mix of pain and sadness was written on his face. He was drowning in his memory at the sight of it.

With what looks like an incredible effort, he posed it in front of Grace for her to take. He doesn’t know why but he hesitates to take it at first, excepting Simon to despite taking it back, well he does’t really know why he would do that, but the look just then just proves him there is more to it. He shares way more than a name and a face.

“That medallion and the seed in it, he looked at the one I had. Everyone where I grew up had one, it was a reminder, it lost its appeal over time, just one more reminder of what we lost.”

Was Simon having something similar? It reminded him so much of his lover words he had chosen a similar one to describe the meaning of this pendant, but there was little chance that both had lived the same thing, right?

“It was on my left hand.”

He lowers his head, looking at the empty space where his arms once were.

“Before I lost it again,” he said in a whisper for himself.

He shook his head, “but you don’t want to hear those sad stories. I don’t know where you get this, or if you just invent everything -”

“Stop saying I just imagined it!”

He jumped on his feet, as if he were ready to fight. How disastrous he must look, he could feel his hairs living their lives on their own, his glasses were sliding away, thin as a twig he was. When the one in front of him half beatead as he was could break him in two.

“Ok, at first I thought that too but - but I have proof. Let me just-”

In a way he mentally thanks Rocky for having trapped him in this room precisely.

As if at first here or in his bedroom would have made a difference, but it's here he had found back the pendant weeks ago.

He just needs to got out a bag from a trap with the name Grace on it.

After searching, more like throwing out of it what he doesn't need. He finally gets out of it a photo with about ten people on it, six of them wearing a yellow jumpsuit with the logo he had seen several times, the emblem of the Hail Mary.

In the background, just behind, there was a man who wasn’t looking in the direction of the camera, he was looking at one person in particular. It was easy to know who... He had his arms folded in front of him, and there he saw the cord holding the receptacle. It was too far to discern what was inside, but there was no need, he already knew it.

How strange to see his own face like this, as if he had a twin or a life he didn't know about. No wonder Grace was that nervous around him and couldn't stay in the same room as him. Has they only looked the same or was there more than this? How could this even be possible?

“It must be fake. It can’t be true.”

The picture got snapped out of his hand, he must have been scared he tore it apart in an outburst - he wouldn't be wrong.

“You can't say that! Just because you don't want this", he threw his arms to show everything around them, "You can’t say it isn't true or whatever possibly isn't because it's for me! When they sent me here, they didn't leave me a choice: send me to die and take my memories with it. I always have this picture, it's isn't been long since I could name the people on it - and for some they aren't more than names - So you better deal, you're stuck here too, there's not a lot of alternatives.”

His heart was beating so faster, he could hear it beating in his ears.

"Say something!"

Simon was looking at him, he just realised he didn't see him much moving since the start of his tirade. He even wondered if he had even blink, even breathe as he was frozen in place. How can this man could make him so angry.

"I thought for a second you were going to throw me out."

“Wh- Why would I do that?! If I do that you will die, there's nothing outside. I don't want to have your death on my conscience or anyone for a fact."

Grace put a hand on his face, his glasses was dandling dangerously on an ear from this.

" I just…" he was trying to hold back tears, he can't always let this eat him alive,he has to let it go. "I know that you're you but you also look like someone I once knew. Can we just say that and start over?"

He takes a step forward and holds his right  hand in front of Simon. That he does in response a little move wondering what to do, looking especially at Grace's face waiting for what he was going to say next.

“I’m Dr. Ryland Grace, please call me Grace. Nice to meet you.”

After a moment of reflection if this was a test, from his remaining arm he took the hand offered.

“Simon.”

From the other side of the door, they could hear a chorus of chirping noises:

"Can Rocky do the introduction again too, question?"

"He can really hear from this far?"

Simon asked him.

"You have no idea."