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My teammates and I sat around the bench as our coach called us over. “Alright boys, we have a situation.” He spoke sternly, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Exams are approaching, so you know what that means, right?” He looked at Hinata and Kageyama, shooting them a glare.
“You need to pass.” He said, directing it at them. Hinata flinched and I brought my knees to my chest. I knew I was failing, which was a shocker because I passed the first semester with flying colours.
I guess when the next semester started, they threw a bomb at me. Everything got significantly worse. Or, maybe it was my mental health that got worse. Sometimes I wonder…
What would have happened if I never focused on my mental health?
Would I still be passing?
I guess we’ll never know.
“If you don’t, we won't go to the training camp in Tokyo.” Coach Ukai kept going on but now I was really worried. My energy was so low, there was only one way I could wake myself up completely.
I don’t want to tell you how, but you’ll learn eventually.
“Tsukishima!!” Hinata’s voice snapped me out of my trance. Him and Kageyama were staring at me and Tadashi. “Can you help us study?” Help you? I’m struggling too. I’m useless. “Not a chance.” He crawled onto my lap, holding his hands together. “Please!!” I shoved him off of me and stood up, almost losing my balance.
“Fine.” I scoffed, pushing up my glasses. “But we’re doing it at my place.”
Hinata looked excited, and then I gazed at Kageyama, he was… blushing? Looks like the king has fallen for the orange. Not surprising honestly. I waved them forward, heading to the club room.
I changed into more comfortable clothes, putting my glasses away because it was getting dark. I pulled my bag out of the locker, but that’s when a pair of scissors fell out of it. I started to panic, worried that they would see, but they didn’t. Thankfully.
I shut my locker, gripping the blade of the scissors in my hoodie pocket. My hand felt wet after a few minutes. It was probably bleeding, but I didn’t care. I couldn’t feel anything anyways.
I led them over to my place, realizing that there was no car in the driveway. “I guess we have the house to ourselves.” I say, opening the front door. I take off my shoes and I lead them to my bedroom where we were going to “study.”
“What do you need help with?”
“English.”
“Maths”
They said in unison. Luckily, I was fluent in English, so I could help Hinata. Despite passing with a 97 in Maths last semester, I’m not very skilled, but Tadashi is, so he could help Kageyama. “Tsukki. You know what you need to do.”
I flinch, knowing exactly what he means. “Please no…”
“You’re failing all-“
“Shut up. I know. I know. Studying won’t fix it.”
“You could try.”
“With my attention span? No way!”
Yamaguchi leaned across the table, grabbing my jaw forcefully. “Tsukishima Kei. You need to focus.” He let go of my jaw, leaning down to help Kageyama. Hinata looked up at me as I was on the verge of tears. I was too tired for this.
I could write all day if I wanted to, but school work was the only thing I struggled with. I know exams are coming up and we’re finally working on our final assignments, but my mind is swirling with so many different things. It hurts.
I refuse to ask for help because nothing makes sense. I could ask and all they’ll say is “read the question over” or “I taught you this.” Yeah, I know, but I still don’t understand. Have you ever considered that regular work could be too much for me?
It’s painful, really. It feels like they’re giving me tasks that are impossible to complete because the imposter is right beside you waiting for their cooldown.
I hate it.
“Hey, Hinata? Can I talk to you out in the hall for a sec?” I say, holding in my tears. He looked at me, not really knowing why, but he agreed. “Sure.” I stood up, exiting the room with Hinata following. “Is something wrong?”
I collapsed onto the floor, holding onto the wall to try and stop me but it wasn’t much help. I looked up at Hinata, forcing a smile. “Do you ever want to die but you know you can’t because the people in your life will get mad at you if you do?”
Hinata looked concerned, reaching out to help me up. “Kei-“
Yamaguchi’s voice echoed through the hall as he yelled at me. “TSUKKI!!” I looked down, fixing my position so I was leaning on the wall, bringing my knees to my chest. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” I didn’t respond. He was mad, so I let him lash out on me.
“Answer me, goddamnit.”
“I’m sorry.”
“If something is wrong, just tell me. I can help.”
“You can't." My voice was small and quiet.
“What?”
“You can’t help me!”
Yamaguchi knelt down to my level, putting his hands on my shoulders. “Please don’t kill yourself.” He pulled me into a hug, but I couldn’t cry anymore. I was sad, but I ran out of empathy.
“No promises. You know where I am right now.”
“Can’t you message a hotline or something?” Kageyama suggested, kneeling down beside me, trying to sound helpful. “No. They don’t actually help you. All they do is say “oh, I’m sorry you’re going through that. Blah blah blah.” They never actually talk you out of it.”
Kageyama nodded, ruffling his hair.
“I’ve tried everything. I can’t do it anymore.”
Hinata hugged my shoulder, planting his face in my shirt. “We need you.” Tears stained my face, the burning sensation was killing me. “No. You really don’t.” Kageyama copied Hinata and grabbed my arm, hugging it tightly. “Yes. We do. Really.”
Yamaguchi lifted my chin, making me look up at him. “They’re both right. We do need you.”
“How? How am I useful to any of you? And don’t say volleyball!”
…
Nothing. Nobody said anything. The silence was deafening. It just made everything worse. “Exactly. You don’t actually need me.”
I stood up, pushing off Hinata because Kageyama had already let go. I walked down the hall and into the kitchen where I grabbed the sharpest knife. A filet knife.
Yamaguchi ran down the hall, racing to catch me. I cut a line down the center of my chest. Once, twice, thrice, it started to bleed.
I put the knife away once I saw blood, but Yamaguchi had already pulled me away from the counter. “Tsukki! Please!”
“Look at me. Watch me bleed.”
My chest was bare, scars painted along my collarbone and chest. I had more cuts on my legs but I wouldn’t show them. The newly bleeding cut I had just made leaked down my chest. Usually I’d try to stop it, but I didn’t. “You… avoided your arms?”
“Our jerseys have short sleeves. I wanted to hide this so none of you would worry about me, so of course I avoided them.”
“If you didn’t want us to worry, then why did you ask Hinata that question?”
“Because I was going to commit tonight. But then you guys had to-“
“EX-FUCKING-SCUSE ME?!?”
“Ouch…”
Yamaguchi grabbed my arm, yanking me out of the kitchen. He dragged me back to Hinata and Kageyama who were sitting on the wall in the hallway. “Why? Tell me now.”
“I don’t have to.”
“Tsukishima.”
Yamaguchi shot daggers as he glared at me. He was mad. I was right. I knew he’d get mad. They all do. It’s always “be honest” until you actually tell the truth. Then they’ll assume you’re lying or they’ll get pissed at you. It’s a never ending cycle with humanity.
“I can’t take it anymore. Exams are coming up, I’m tired, my energy is at an all time low, nothing makes sense anymore, I’m failing every class and my family will get mad at me if I don’t get my grades up. If I fail this semester, my life is over.”
“Is… is that what they taught you?”
“YES!!”
“Tsukki…”
“I want to die because I can’t be the perfect child for them. I want to die because I know that they’ll be disappointed with me. I want to die because I know my limits but everyone keeps pushing me. I want to die because nobody actually cares. I want to die because I hate myself for who I’ve grown to become. I want to die because I don’t understand myself and nobody will allow me to. I want to die because I’m scared that everyone is lying to me. I want to die because I’m scared that all my friends are fake and they all actually hate me. I hate myself.”
Yamaguchi started to cry. Kageyama traced my scars and cuts with his eyes, sitting there in shock. Hinata was staring into space. I don’t even know if he was listening.
“Tsukki… we’re not fake.”
“I don’t know that.”
Hinata snapped back into reality, standing up and hugging me tightly. “But you do. We’re right here, aren’t we?”
Kageyama sighed and hugged me as well. “Truth be told, I really care about you. Even though I have a hard time showing that I do.”
Yamaguchi grabbed my jaw again, lightly this time and planted a small kiss on my lips. “And I love you.”
“We are here for you. Okay?”
“Please don’t kill yourself.”
“I won’t.”