Chapter Text
Flickering lights cast an eerie glow on the vacant halls of the circus.
Pomni has been here before, standing in front of Jax. But instead of the abstraction he’s become, he’s his old self again, sporting his usual grin and a carefree stance.
This is the Jax that Pomni was here for.
This is the Jax that Pomni had grown to care for, despite everything.
She stepped closer to him, afraid he might vanish if her eyes left him for even a second. Jax chuckled softly, eyes softening.
“What’s the matter, PomPom? Don’t you recognize me anymore?”
Her breath hitched, and before she knew it she sprinted toward him and embraced him. Jax got down on his knees, and she could feel his arms encircling her and holding her tight. He felt warm. He felt real.
“Jax, please come back to us,” she heard herself say between sobs.
She felt him tense.
“I don’t know how.”
“We can figure it out together.”
“What if I’m not capable of getting better?” he said, voice trembling.
“You can, Jax. You have to try, you can’t give up,” Pomni pleaded, pressing the side of her face into his chest.
Jax gently put his hands on Pomni’s shoulders and moved to look her in the eye.
“Why do you care so much about me? You’re not supposed to miss me, remember?”
Those words were like a bullet to the heart. “But Jax, I-”
Before she could finish her sentence, she watched in horror as his grin came back. The blacks of his eyes widened impossibly and began to glow and change colors. Before she knew what was happening, his shape morphed and his edges became ragged and glitchy.
As the abstraction loomed over her, she screamed, tried to run towards him, but her legs gave out. All of a sudden she was abstracting too and she couldn’t run from the pain, she couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t -
▴▿▴▿▴▿▴
“Pomni! Pomni, wake up!”
As soon as she opened her eyes, Pomni gasped and sat up straight, panting.
“Another nightmare?”
Adjusting to her surroundings, Pomni realized she was lying on one of the sofas in the circus - the real circus - and crouched next to her was a familiar red-headed doll. Concern was etched on her features, but it faded as Pomni nodded and smiled weakly. “I guess I must have fallen asleep here again.”
Pomni pulled her knees up to her chest to make room for Ragatha to sit next to her. ‘I must have been crying,’ Pomni realized as she rubbed her eyes.
The phantom pain from the nightmare lingered in her mind as Ragatha sighed.
“You can’t keep doing this Pomni,” Ragatha said gently. “This is the third night in a row you’ve ‘accidentally’ fallen asleep out here instead of in your room. We’re getting worried about you.”
“I know, it’s just…” Pomni trailed off, looking at the spot Jax had been before they moved him and the other abstractions to the dark room.
It had been about a couple weeks since Caine came back and everything had changed in the circus. At first, everyone was skeptical, of course. As time went on, though, everyone gained a sense of ease. Being able to choose whatever adventures they felt like was liberating, and Caine’s limitless childlike wonder of humans was, admittedly, growing on them. Although living in the circus was anything but normal, it seemed like everyone had moved on with their lives as best they could.
Pomni was happy for them, she really was, but she couldn’t say the same for herself no matter how hard she tried.
Instead, she found herself zoning out during conversations, sleeping long into the day, or staring at her ceiling all night long without a wink of sleep.
Last night was one of those sleepless nights. She couldn’t recall getting to the sofa and lying down. The last thing Pomni remembered was walking through the halls…thinking of Jax.
Lately she felt like she had fallen down a cold and bottomless pit. She couldn’t escape the thoughts in her own mind, like her anguish and guilt were echoing and amplifying in her head as time went on. There was nothing to keep her afloat but her friends.
But how could she explain it to them?
How could she begin to convey this all-consuming nothingness she felt? How could she put into words the way she felt everything and nothing all at once?
And worst of all, how could she keep herself from crumbling whenever she thought of him and how he chose her to open up to when it was already too late?
Pomni was shaken from her thoughts when Ragatha put a hand on her arm.
“Hey, are you…doing okay? I mean…I know these past few days have been a lot, especially for you, Pomni.”
Pomni smiled, despite the stubborn pain in her heart.
“I’ve been doing…ok, I think. But…” she sighed. “I keep going back to that day.” She let out a trembling sigh. “I just…I know he was too far gone by the time I went to him, but… I keep thinking I could’ve said more. I could have done more,” she muttered, shrinking in on herself.
Ragatha looked down at her hands solemnly. “I know it’s hard, but…in the end, Jax’s own actions were what caused him to abstract. No matter how much we try, some people can only get better if they’re willing to put in their own effort. There’s nothing any of us could have done. No one is to blame.”
Oh, how those words hurt Pomni’s soul. Mostly because she knew just how true it was.
Saving Jax was impossible if he wasn’t ready to be saved. And although it hurt to admit, Pomni had known that about him for a long time. It was why she never pushed him too much to open up. That had to be his decision.
And he made it when it was already too late. He was able to run and hide from his problems for so long, but they caught up to the rabbit at the very end. Jax didn’t have the last laugh this time, perhaps ironically.
As Pomni was thinking about this for the umpteenth time last night, wandering the corridors and contemplating, a thought plagued her mind. Maybe it was stupid, maybe it was the desperation talking, but no matter how hard she tried she spun it around in her head again and again, searching for something, anything, that could help her find the solution she so desperately sought.
Now, as that same thought popped into her mind, she opened her mouth to speak. Hesitated, then gathered the courage to finally ask:
“What if there’s a way to bring him back?”
The question took Ragatha by surprise, then a melancholy look spread over her features. “I’ve asked myself that, too. So many times.”
Now it was Pomni’s turn to look surprised. “Really? Then why not try to figure out how together?”
“Don’t you think if there was a way, Kinger would have found it by now?” Ragatha asked gently.
Pomni thought of Kinger’s wife, Queenie, and how she had abstracted too. How had Kinger been able to deal with that kind of pain all by himself for so long? ‘It certainly helps to mentally be somewhere else most of the time ’ Pomni thought to herself.
“I don’t know what Kinger knows,” Pomni confessed, “but how can we sit here and say that nothing can be done? I won’t accept that.”
Ragatha sighed sadly and looked away again. “I also want to believe there’s some way to fix them. We can talk to Kinger later, if it helps put your mind at ease.” She looked up at Pomni. “Listen, I know you’re hurting right now, but we can’t help others if we don’t take care of ourselves first. Right now you should focus on what can help you.”
Pomni couldn’t trust herself to speak without crying, so she just nodded.
After a moment of silence, Ragatha stood up and smiled gently, offering Pomni a hand.
“You know, Gangle mentioned an adventure she’s been wanting to go on for a while. How about we go together? I mean…if you’re up to it, of course. It could help take your mind off things for a while.”
Pomni looked up at the genuine kindness in Ragatha’s eyes and gave her a small smile.
“That sounds nice. I guess I can give it a try.”
As soon as Pomni took her hand, Ragatha pulled her in for a hug.
“It wasn’t your fault, Pomni. You can’t keep blaming yourself for it.” Ragatha whispered, hugging her hard.
Surprised, Pomni wrapped her arms around Ragatha too. A single tear escaped to roll down her cheek and onto Ragatha’s sleeve. “Thank you, Ragatha. I mean it.”
They stayed that way for a moment until Ragatha stepped back.
“So, shall we join them?” Ragatha asked eagerly.
“Indeed we shall,” Pomni replied, laughing softly. But when Ragatha turned around, her smile was gone.
The nightmare was still fresh in Pomni’s mind, but she knew Ragatha wasn’t wrong. The only way Jax could help himself was if he learned how. But Pomni had seen his memories. She knew he was capable of healing. In his abstracted state, though, there was nothing he could do. Pomni made a decision right then, a silent vow to herself.
You might be the only one able to save yourself, Jax. But until then, I’m going to find a way to give you that choice back. I promise.