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A deep black was covering all the usually bright stars, and the grey clouds crying out were accompanying the thunder grumbling every few seconds. Dan had his arms wrapped around himself as he was hurriedly walking down the dirt road leading to the edge of the city, soaked to the bone and shaking like a leaf.
The raindrops were covering the tears running down his face but you didn’t even need to see the tears to realise he’s been crying for a long time.
He took a left, almost tripping on the stone path leading to the door of the stone building sitting in the middle of the property. Seeing the convent, standing tall and steady even in this thunderstorm made him even more certain in his decision, that he needed to be a part of it to save his soul, that his future was tied to this place somehow.
He took the last steps leading to the door and started knocking. He knew it was the middle of the night but someone had to be awake, right?
Then, the door opened. A nun stood in the doorframe; the warm, inviting light from inside the convent framed her figure like a halo, her voice was empathetic and bittersweet as she asked:
“Are you alright, child?”
It felt like seeing the finish line of a marathon, where you didn’t have any food or water or aid or were even sure there was a finish line. It felt like finally seeing land after being stranded in a vast ocean with nothing to help him float.
Dan fell to his knees and started sobbing.
-
It was a couple hours later now, Dan’s soaked clothes were drying by the fireplace as he sat in borrowed clothes, holding a warm cup of tea in his shaking hands though he was no longer cold.
“Please, Sister. I know this is highly unusual but you have to help me. I want to heal, and I feel like I need to live like one of you for that. I feel the purpose of my soul lying in this convent.”
“Daniel… I can’t… I mean, what you’re asking is simply not possible. Men can’t be nuns and you very well know that.”
Daniel put his cup on the ornate coffee table and looked at Sister Maria with tears in his eyes.
“Please, Sister. This is the only way I can be cured of my twisted desires. I know that here I can repent and pray for forgiveness, and be healed. And when I am finally free of this sickness I can learn how to be a priest. I want to learn the way of God, I want to be a part of this convent and earn my way into the pearly gates of Heaven. I know the Devil can’t tempt me in here. Please.”
Sister Maria took a deep breath and rubbed her temples.
“I suppose we can give it a try. But, if I hear or see a shred of disobedience or anything inappropriate you will be banished forever from this convent.”
“I promise, Sister. Thank you. Thank you so much.” And just like that, for the first time in a long while, Daniel’s tears weren’t because of the sadness in his heart.
-
“So, Daniel. You’ve been here for a couple of weeks now. How have you been holding up?”
“Thank you, Sister. I’ve been adjusting okay. I still get urges but I’ve been trying to pray them away like you taught me. It’s hard but I’ve been getting better, I promise.”
Sister Daniel and Sister Maria were sitting in Sister Maria’s room. Since Daniel joined the convent they've been meeting once every couple of days to track Sister Daniel’s progress.
Sister Daniel had easily accustomed to the convent life. He was excelling at his chores, participating in Bible studies and attending Sunday masses, even reading Bible and religious texts in his free times.
“I did notice you fit in quite easily. I thought there would be more complaints from the other Sisters but they all seem to like you well enough. Good job on learning to be a part of our family here quickly, Sister.” Sister Maria slowly took off her glasses and put her notebook down.
“They all have been very accommodating to me, I really feel like I belong here thanks to them and of course, you, Sister Maria.” Sister Daniel said as he fiddled with the hem of his cornette.
“Alright then, Sister. I think that's it for the day. Unless you have something you want to say.” Sister Maria said as she watched Daniel squirm nervously in his seat.
“Actually Sister, I was wondering… Is there a place where I can pray alone in the garden? I found I like hearing the sounds of nature during my prayers, being surrounded by His other creations makes me feel closer to God.”
“Hmm…” Sister Maria stood thinking for a second, then pulled out a map of the premises from her desk drawer. “ I don't usually share this spot with other attendees because it's a bit of a hike and the girls here prefer not having to walk so much to pray but I suppose you could benefit from it.”
She slowly laid the map on the table as she kept talking. “ You see this path right here? It starts just a few steps behind the greenhouse. If you follow it, you will find a small hill. There is a bench over there that is perfectly positioned for a quiet prayer session. I believe that place could be good for you, you can go after the Bible study this afternoon.”
“Oh, it sounds perfect Sister, thank you so much. I will see you at the study then.” Daniel nodded slightly and left the room to attend to his chores until the study.
He knew the life he was living here was an unconventional life for a boy like him but he also knew that the only way he could be cured of his… disease was to find the light of God and let it guide his life.
As he walked to the library, he thought about his old life. About his father, his mother, the other boys at school. He thought about the way he was treated, the things he had to go through, the bullying and the abuse. He knew he had to be cured to be treated with respect and kindness from others, so he had gone to the only place he could think of, the only place he’d visited every Sunday since he was a little kid where he was told he could find the forgiveness he was looking for.
He liked his simple life here. He liked having something to get up for every day. He liked his chores and how the other Sisters treated him with kindness even if he wasn't one of them. He liked reading the Bible, even if he didn't feel the belief for God the other Sisters and the Father talked about yet he knew it would find him in time, and that if he was good and fulfilled all his duties, He would fill his heart with the warmth and love he desired.
So, Sister Daniel went to his Bible study with the other Sisters, and they learned about God, and how everything was created in His image, and that His grace and compassion was beyond all, and that He loved all his creations equally, and how to be a good human so He wouldn't punish you with eternal damnation. And then finally it was time for Daniel to visit his new prayer place for the first time.
As he walked up the path he realized why other Sisters probably wouldn't want to visit this place much. The path was muddy and uphill, and it would be a challenge even if he wasn't in an ankle length skirt. Though once he reached the bench Sister Maria mentioned it all felt like it was worth it. The bench itself was made of a white marble and had beautiful carvings all around. It was in front of a green hedge that had beautiful pink roses growing on it. The view from the bench was simply beautiful, with a huge field laying as far as the eye can see, and having the added beauty of the sunset lights was only improving it all. Daniel took a deep breath, his lungs filled with the fresh oxygen and the smell of the roses, and he listened to the sound of the birds chirping nearby. Sister Maria was right, this was exactly what he was looking for.
He sat down on the bench and put his hands together in front of his face, then he started praying.
“Dear God, please let me be free of this sickness. I am trying to be a better person, I am learning about your ways. The Sisters are helping me a lot. After I am done with my… treatment here, I will learn how to be a Priest. Please let me be free of the impure thoughts that have been plaguing me. I want to find the way to Heaven, I want to be guided by your light, please… Send me a sign that you’re by my side, please.”
As Daniel wiped the tears from his face, he first felt a faint wind caress his face, then felt a sense of serenity surrounding him, slowly seeping into the depths of his body, his brain, his soul. When he opened his eyes, he was first greeted by a pair of big, beautiful, unblinking eyes, the color of the ocean right where it meets the sea, sprinkled with little bits of the prettiest of plants known to humans and glazed by a little bit of the warmest rays of sunshine.
Daniel was frozen in place, staring at the eyes of the figure in front of him. As the figure slowly backed away, he let out a breath he didn't realize he was even holding. He realized the figure looked human, with a tall and lean build; white, almost silver hair and was wearing a white, sleeveless shirt, white pants and some gold accessories. Its skin was white like untouched snow and it had a soft glow from underneath, but the most striking thing about the figure was its wings. The figure had two huge wings hanging from his back, feathers white like clouds on a sunny day and shimmering underneath the now almost gone sunlight. It was staring at him with a sort of brightness in his eyes, the brightness you see in the eyes of little kids who ask endless questions to learn about the world around them.
“What..?” Daniel stared at the figure in front of him, the question he didn't know how to finish dying on his lips as his eyes wandered over every aspect of the absurd scene in front of him.
“Hello… Sister. I hear you need some help from upstairs, is that true?” The figure flashed Daniel a smile, its tongue sticking out in a way that completely messed up any train of thought that Daniel had left.
“Yes, I- What? What do you mean? Who are you?” Daniel spit out in a single breath, his eyebrows creased. His expression was of a small kid caught by his mother doing something he knew he wasn't supposed to, full of guilt and awaiting the punishment he was sure to receive.
“My name is Philip but feel free to call me Phil. I am more interested in you, though. How did a boy such as yourself become a nun?” The figure, Phil, tilted his head slightly as he stared at Daniel.
“I… I needed to repent. For my sins. Learn the way of God. Are you…” Daniel traced the edges of Phil’s wings with his eyes before he continued. “ An angel?”
Phil giggled, covering his mouth with his hand, eyes crinkling and Daniel felt he was witnessing the prettiest scene that has ever occurred on Earth, he was hearing the most beautiful sound a human would ever hear.
“Yes, I am. Why do you look so surprised? I thought you were asking for some otherworldly assistance.“ Phil stared into Daniel’s eyes intensely and Daniel felt his breath being taken away again, until Phil burst into another fit of giggles.
“I mean… Yes, I was but I didn't expect to get an actual angel to answer me I guess.” Daniel looked down, biting at his bottom lip.
“Well, you got it. What’s your name?” Phil was still staring deep into Daniel’s eyes as he spoke.
“Dan. Daniel. Sister Daniel now, I suppose.” Daniel furrowed his brows again, hand fixing the little bit of his curly fringe that had managed to escape from his cornette.
“Well, Dan. What did you need some heavenly intervention about?” Phil smiled brightly as he sat down on the grass right in front of the bench.
“I… Well…” Dan started chewing on his bottom lip as he watched the angel shuffle around to get comfortable on the grass.
“You said you needed to repent for your sins. What kind of sins have you committed, Dan?” Phil said as he leaned forward, looking up at Dan as he smiled slightly.
Dan gulped as he felt a blush rise to his face. “I need to rid myself of some thoughts, Angel.” He said as he slumped his shoulders, his body trying to hide his figure from the embarrassment he was feeling.
“Huh, no one’s ever actually just called me angel before. Perks of living amongst other angels, I suppose. I kinda like that.” Phil giggled again, deepening the blush on Dan’s face. “Well, what kind of thoughts are we talking here?” He tilted his head.
“Well, I can’t talk to you about them!” Dan furrowed his brows once more. “Can’t you just erase any impure thoughts from my mind or whatever?” He started biting down on his bottom lip again.
Phil tsked as he reached up to Dan’s face and lightly traced his bottom lip with his thumb. “You’ll make your lips bleed if you keep chewing them like that.” He said as Dan’s eyes widened and his lips parted slightly. “Is something wrong?”
“What? No. Sorry.” Dan quickly shook his head.
“That’s not how it works, you know.” Phil smiled as he shook his head. “I don't just… Like, read your mind at all times or anything. I’m not omnipotent. I can if you let me, though.” Phil leaned back in, placing his hands on the bench, right next to Dan’s thighs. Dan felt like the sky was closing in on him, the air around felt thicker like honey, sticking to his throat and lungs. He felt he’d say yes to pretty much anything Phil asked him at this point, and the thought scared him immensely.
“Can you clear out my thoughts if I let you in?” Dan asked, his eyes stuck to the very small gap standing between his thighs and Phil’s hand.
“I’m pretty sure I could help you out with at least some of them.” Phil’s eyes were twinkling with a spark Dan couldn't quite understand.
“How would I… “Let you in” then? Do I have to do like a ritual or something?”
“No, no. Nothing like that. All you have to do is…” Phil got up on his knees right in front of Dan, moving closer, and lifted his hands up to Dan’s face without actually touching. “Let me touch you.”
Dan felt his breath hitch and felt the blush on his face grow even deeper. There was only one thing the angel would see if he looked into his thoughts right now. So he shook his head ever so slightly, scared to make contact with Phil’s hands.”I don't think that's a good idea.”
“Come on, Dan. I can only help you if you let me. I can solve all your problems, give you everything you want, even more than you can imagine. You just have to say the word.” Phil moved his face even closer to Dan's, whose whole body was trembling, trying to catch up with his mind.
Phil was too close. Dan could feel the warmth of his hands on his face, his breath on his lips and the softness of his thighs pressed to his legs. He blinked a few times to help clear his head but Phil was clouding his every thought with his ocean eyes, snowy skin and lips that looked impossibly pink.
“You're not gonna smite me or anything, are you?” Dan managed to ask shakily, earning himself another giggle that Dan felt in his whole body.
“I will never hurt you, Dan.” Phil gave a soft smile, which then turned into a smirk. “Unless you ask me to, of course. So… May I?” He tilted his head slightly.
Dan took a deep breath before nodding. “Okay, I trust you. Go ahead.”
Phil slowly placed his hands on Dan’s cheeks and stared straight into Dan’s eyes. Dan felt his head start to spin as he felt Phil seep into his thoughts. In just an instant, his whole life was spread in front of him, every thought, every memory, every emotion. He was watching all his memories from far away, holding onto Phil as his only tether to the physical world. Every moment they walked through together brought tears to Dan’s eyes.
“I am so sorry for the way Earth has treated you, Dan. You didn't deserve it at all. Don't worry, I will take your pain away now.” Phil said, voice barely above a whisper.
With every passing moment Dan felt himself get lighter, the sadness and the doubt in his mind lift off as his grip on Phil’s arms loosened. “But… I thought…” Dan’s disbelief was evident in his voice when he finally spoke.
“There is nothing wrong with you, Dan. It's okay. They were wrong for making you feel that way.” Phil caressed Dan’s cheeks with his thumbs, wiping away his tears.
“I don't have to be..? “ Dan’s voice carried years of denial, pain and suffering in his question, his voice cracking at the end.
“You don't have to be anything you don't want to be, Dan. It's ok to be who you are, want what you want. I promise.” Phil’s voice was even softer now, soft enough to fill up any cracks that might be left in the safe space he built in Dan’s mind from the bricks he forged from his suffering. They stared into each other's eyes, watching Dan’s whole life pass around them.
Then, without any warning, the memories came to an end. After a couple more seconds in silence, Dan felt his gaze drop down from Phil’s eyes to his lips. “I think you should get out of my head now.” He whispered to Phil’s lisp, voice raspy.
“Oh? Why's that?” Phil's voice was almost as rough as Dan’s, gaze locked to his lips, now shiny from the tears that were spilling down his eyes minutes ago.
“Now that I know it's okay I don't think I can hold my thoughts back, especially when you're standing this close…” Dan chuckled, eyes crinkling as he moved even closer.
“Well in that case, now I definitely need to see more.” Phil chuckled. “But instead of me looking for it in your mind, why don't you just show me instead?”
“We both would definitely enjoy that more.” Dan smiled against Phil’s lips and finally closed whatever gap that was left between them. His lips were softer than he even imagined, and he tasted like the faintest hint of marshmallows.
The kiss started out slow, every move healing something in Dan he didn't even know was broken. He had never kissed a boy before but he knew that even if he did it would never compare to kissing Phil.
He was deliberate in his moves, giving Dan exactly what he needed. He slowly moved his hands from Dan’s cheeks to his hair, his fingers traveling between the strands and grabbing as the kissing got more heated. Dan trailed his hands down Phil’s sides, stopping just above his hips as he moved down from the bench. He pulled Phil closer from his hips in a swift move and pressed their bodies together, and the broken moan he heard from Phil in return made him lose any inhibitions he had left.
He moved his hands to Phil’s chest and pushed him down and then pulled his skirt up just enough to straddle Phil comfortably without breaking their kiss. His hands found the hems of Phil’s shirt and slowly made their way underneath, feeling the coolness of his skin on his fingertips, goosebumps trailing where his fingers touched. Phil tilted his head back with a moan, breaking their kiss as he pulled Dan’s head towards his neck. Dan buried his face in Phil’s neck right underneath his ear, peppering wet kisses as he went down, his hands spread out over Phil's back right below his wings, pulling him even closer.
Dan’s every thought was occupied by Phil, his skin underneath his, his sounds, even his smell surrounding him was driving Dan crazy. He knew he was safe by Phil’s side, and that felt like the only thing he’d need to know ever again.
Before they knew it it was dark, the stars were blinking in the clear night sky. They were unaffected by the cold even as their clothes laid discarded somewhere on the grass thanks to Phil’s wings wrapped around their cuddling bodies like a warm blanket as they watched the night sky pass by.
“So… Do you think you’ll continue living as Sister Daniel?” Phil asked as he played with the curls on Dan’s head.
“No, I don’t think the convent life is for me.” Dan chuckled. “I guess I’ll go and find a place where I can be myself.”
“Sounds good… How would you feel about having an angel by your side in your new life, then?” Phil asked, and he could almost hide how important the answer was to him.
Dan got up from Phil’s chest and looked deep into his eyes. “I was actually kind of counting on it.”