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Kaidan. Two Months Ago.
It was supposed to be a getaway, a month of laying low and just being together. It had…devolved slightly.
"Is everything okay?"
Her eyes were sharp when she looked up. The bar was crowded, members of several species enjoying themselves. He wasn't paying attention to any of it. He had tunnel vision, like he often did with her.
"Why wouldn't it be?" She asked, voice measured. "It's not like we're hiding us from the public or anything."
"Jane…" He started, anticipating the same conversation, the same turn of events, and the same outcome. It would end with her angry and him frustrated, neither of them willing to budge on the issue. But he knew she'd never intentionally expose them to the world without his knowledge or consent. "We can't. You know we can't."
"I'm a Spectre," She argued in a hushed tone. "We could. They can't touch me, Kaidan."
"Yeah," He said. "They can't touch you. That doesn't apply to me."
"So quit," She shot back. "I make enough money. You could quit."
"We need to go," He said, standing up and tossing some credits down. "You've had enough."
"Why does that bother you so much? It's practical, it keeps you out of harm's way—"
"That's the problem," He said, pulling her up. "I need to be here. I have troops, too."
She stumbled a little, righting herself almost immediately. He still held out an arm, and she refused it, scowling.
"Babe."
"No, no. No calling me 'Babe'. We're in public, remember?" Jane said, her voice fighting to fall into a slur. She looked at him, a challenge written all up and down her face. "Can't have anyone knowing."
"Jane," He said, placing a hand on her back, pulling her gently into his side. "Let's talk about this in the room, okay?"
"Oh, by all means," she said sarcastically. "Let's talk it over."
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Jane. Two Months Ago.
She'd tried her best to "talk it over," but his refusal to match her volume, plus the alcohol, had pissed her right off. He was sitting on the couch while she paced around the room, letting her work through the energy she'd been itching to release all evening.
"Jane," He said calmly, for the umpteenth time. "With the threat of the Reapers growing, do you really expect me to retire? Now?"
"Yes! No, I don't know. I just… I'm tired of it."
"Of what? Me?"
"The hiding! The pretending that we mean nothing to each other! Watching random women fuck you with their eyes and not being able to do anything about it. That doesn't bother you?"
"I guess I don't notice it."
"Oh, you don't notice half the women in any given space basically salivating over you?"
"No, Jane, I don't," He said quietly, padding over, planting himself in front of the path she was cutting in the carpet. He took her hands gently, bringing them up so she could see them joined. "You know why? Because I'm looking at you. Okay?"
She nodded slowly, a bomb defused, sagging against him. He held her for a while, face buried in her hair, before pulling away.
"I know it's hard. Trust me, it kills me too, and once the war is over…once we finish this thing, I'll take a good look at getting out. I promise. Jane, look at me—" He cupped her face in his hands, tilting her face up towards his. "I promise. Just…I love you. Everything might be uncertain, but please know that."
"I love you too," She said seriously. "We'll figure it out."
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Kaidan. One Month Ago.
"Add Joker to the list of people who've noticed how much time we spend together. " She sighed, sliding on to her desk, perched next to his computer. He was lost in thought, typing away, working on the mountain of post-mission reports still left after the battle for the Citadel. .
"Joker isn't going to say anything, though," she continued. "Neither is Chakwas, though she did give me the whole 'be safe' talk."
"Are we being too obvious?" he asked simply. He didn't look up from his work, didn't risk eye contact. "This could be a big deal. Shore leave is one thing, but fraternization on an Alliance ship? That's a whole new game."
"It's fine," She reassured him. "No one who cares knows. Like I said, Joker isn't going to tell anyone."
"What about Adams? What if Tali tells him? What if Garrus or Liara slips up while talking to Pressly? What if Wrex thinks he's making polite human conversation with Anderson and mentions it?"
"Do you really see Wrex trying to make polite human conversation?" She said, smiling slightly.
"Not the point, Jane."
"What do you want me to do about it?" She asked, standing to her full height. He didn't look up.
"How are people finding out?"
"Hell if I know. I'm not telling them."
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Jane. One Month Ago.
People know because they have eyes. She thought, denying any involvement. It was true, she wasn't telling people. But people were finding out because it was obvious. He didn't seem to notice that.
"I know you think you're subtle," She started, and his head snapped up, eyes slightly narrowed. "But you aren't. You come along on every single mission, every single errand. I love that, I love having you around, but it's not like we're taking great steps to distance ourselves."
"I'm your lieutenant," he said.
"You're in my room right now," She pointed out. "You sleep here."
"Should I not?"
"That's not what I'm saying, I'm just pointing out that we haven't been the most careful of crew perception."
"Maybe I should leave, then," He said, banishing the computer screen and grabbing his omni-tool. "I'll sleep in the crew barracks."
"Wait, Kaidan, I didn't mean—"
"I'm not mad at you, Jane. I just can't risk my career right now."
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Kaidan. One Hour Ago.
The entire ship shook wildly, a few of the crew falling out of their bunks at the impact. He struggled to stay upright, shoving on his armor and sprinting towards the bridge.
"What's going on?" He shouted in the general direction of where Pressly was usually stationed. No answer. He kept running, directing swaths of soldiers and crew members to the escape pods. "Where's Shepard?"
He saw her then, wreathed in flame, her helmet firmly in place. She tossed him a fire extinguisher, the gesture completely insane given the sheer amount of wreckage around them. The ship lurched, throwing them together, and she caught him. "Is everyone on the escape pods?"
She was deadly calm, fully in Commander Shepard mode. He could see her eyes through the mask, and they were focused.
"Joker's still in the cockpit!" He heard himself say. "I'll go—"
"No," she interrupted, turning towards the unblocked door behind her. "Make sure everyone else gets out. We'll take the pod by the cockpit."
"Jane—"
"That's an order!" She snapped, turning back towards him. "Go!"
He turned and ran.
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Kaidan. Now.
News came. Joker arrived, right after they did, pale and trembling, his body fractured in multiple places. But he was alive.
"She's gone," He mumbled the second Kaidan came over. "Kaidan, I'm so sorry, man, she's gone."
The world stood still. Medics were still rushing around, Chakwas barking orders in the distance. He'd told Garrus to help coordinate survivors, and he'd employed the help of Wrex. They were moving from pod to pod in his periphery. At a normal time, he'd be happy that they were getting along. Tali was helping to assess the pods for damage, looking for communicators, rations, anything.
People were talking around him, and eventually to him, but it was like they were underwater, muffled by the time they got to him. Chakwas, satisfied that no one was grievously injured, finally made her way over. Her hand was warm on his back, rubbing large circles that were meant to be soothing, but he barely felt it.
"Kaidan? Lieutenant Alenko?" She tried, and he turned mechanically, the pounding in his head subsiding just enough to hear her. "In the Commander's…absence…chain of command dictates that you assume the role. I've checked over the crew, and no one is in need of life-saving medical intervention. I have it on multiple accounts that Pressly has been killed in action, leaving us without an executive officer serving as navigator. Tali has found some communicators that appear to be in working order. What are our orders?"
"What kind of funeral do you even hold?" He whispered, looking at her.
"A good one," she answered kindly, her voice wavering a bit. "A very good one."
He straightened, pulling himself together long enough to give his orders.
"Get the engineers to start transmissions to the Citadel. Anyone they can get a hold of. Ration out food and medical supplies until then. Organize a search party to make sure everybody ended up here. I don't want anyone unaccounted for. KIAs need to be verified by eyewitness accounts. Other than that, we find anyone who's missing." He said numbly.
"Yes, sir," Chakwas said, turning and beginning to give orders. The world went quiet again, soft around the edges. He looked up to the sky, the debris of the Normandy and the fire from the explosions, still roiling in the vacuum of space.
He couldn't reach her.