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Driver’s eyes shot open as he stared into the pillow, the only light in the room casting through the curtains of the garage’s closest window. He had been snatched out of peaceful REM sleep as his eyes blinked adjusting to the new brightness of awakeness. Immediately he felt the tightness in his chest as his body surged with a wave of tightness and heat. He felt his forehead well with sweat as he shifted under the sheets trying to get comfortable as his chest welled with uncomfortable heat. He gripped his thigh with the arm that wasn’t under his head as he laid on his right side.
He shifted, legs kicking the blankets slightly as his heart jumped uncomfortably skipping a few beats it probably should not have as his eyes, which had closed again, jolted open. His throat felt uncomfortable as he had another wave of heat begin to well in his chest and over his forehead. The nausea made him sit up onto his arm as he breathed in slowly. Since childhood he had gotten these strange moments of adrenaline where his body freaks out. They usually appear at the most inconvenient times might he add.
But currently the only inconvenience was the growing nausea in his throat as he wiped his forehead with a now shaky hand. Not now. He thought as his eyes, now adjusted to the lighting, turned to the side to look at the man beside him. So peaceful with his eyes closed, arms curled together around his body as he did often when Lars slept, even if he wasn’t always comfortable with Casey’s arms wrapped around his- Casey was very pleased to see Lars curled in on himself, breaths slow and content as he slept. Much different from Driver, who was now gripping his shirt with a shaky hand, rubbing his thigh in a soothing motion with the other as he felt another wave of adrenaline rush through his body, only adding to the nausea creeping up his throat as he blinked harshly, now completely upright and sitting in the bed.
He felt like a desperate baby as he turned to Lars’s sleeping form hoping somehow his silent suffering had awakened him and he could wake up with a soft grumble, and soothe and comfort Casey. Now- of course he knew he could literally reach over and tap on Lars’s shoulder in this very instant and wake him up, but that would only 1, embarrass Casey as he would have to deal with this new topic of conversation when the sun rose, and 2, he was in the middle of sweating bullets through his t-shirt and could not muster the energy to move either of his hands from their current positions.
He took a slow breath to try and subside the rapid heartbeat in his chest as his eyes darted around the garage. His hands were pathetically shaking now as his left rubbed his thigh. Granted it was doing nothing- and Casey was slowly starting to panic further than he already was in the past two minutes. He wiped his forehead as he let his shirt go. God he was so sweaty- he was so hot. Too hot.
His throat tightened as he dug his nails into his thigh. When he was a child- he would take his right thumb and press it as hard as he could into the skin crease between his pointer finger and the thumb of his left. He had done it so much he had a permanent little scar there. Now at this moment he chose his thigh.
This whole time he had been gritting his teeth together aggressively like that would suppress anything that came from the overwhelming nausea growing in his throat. No. He shook his head at the idea itself as his left hands nails pressed harder into his thigh enough to draw blood- he assumed. It was too dark to tell.
He was hit with another wave of heat flowing from his head to his toes. It was so overwhelming he shifted instantly with the sensation, kicking the sheets off of himself completely so his legs, only in Lars’s boxers, and the t-shirt were covering him.
It was still too much. He tried to take a deep breath in- like he had been taught. (5 seconds in- 5 seconds out through the mouth) and apparently it came out as a loud choking noise instead.
The body next to him shifted awake quickly as Lars pushed himself up from the curled position he was in as he looked around in the dark to the hunched form sitting next to him gripping his t-shirt with one hand, breathing heavily and quickly, jaw still locked as tight as it could possibly be.
“Casey?” Lars mumbled as he forced himself to wake up once he processed the sight. Sitting up onto his knees he moved over hurriedly to the man beside him.
“Casey?” He repeated, louder. “Are you okay-?” Driver shook his head hurriedly, the sweat beading on his forehead dripped slightly, as Lars put a hand to his forehead without even processing what he was doing- which was rare when it came to Lars. Even with all the practice they had been having- he was still pushing himself to show Casey how much he cared for him and it was hard erasing the years he spent avoiding just that.
“What’s wrong?” Lars asked as he eyed Casey’s thigh. “Casey- you’re bleeding-!” He said, prying his nails out of his thigh as Casey’s hand clenched and unclenched. He was breathing so quickly as Lars removed his hand from his forehead. He’s so hot. He thought- and apparently Casey had the exact same thought as he hurriedly gripped his hands under the hem of his t-shirt and ripped it over his head. Lars got even closer as his hands hovered sort of tumbling around Casey trying to decide where to put them.
Lars jumped up, “I’m getting you some water- I’ll be right back Case-” He said rushing to the kitchen as Driver- now only in boxers but still much too hot gripped his chest where the shirt used to be. God he was pathetic- he thought as he swallowed down the nausea. Which made him panic more. He had always hated throwing up. Honestly the overwhelming nausea he got from these instances is some of the reason he even had them. No. He shook his head again, teeth clenching as his throat did. He did not want to throw up. He wasn’t even sick. He hadn’t been sick in years, not since-. He cut his own thought off that thought most definitely would not help this situation, but then again he did think it before he even recognized that he did.
Lars had hurried over with the glass of water from the kitchen, pyjama pants that were a little too long for him- (Casey said it was cute so wear them Lars did-) dragging across the floor as he jumped onto the bed giving Casey the glass. “Drink baby-” He got an aggressive head shake in response.
A now stressed Lars sighed as he watched Casey shake cross legged on the bed, Lars took the wet washcloth he grabbed as well and put it to his forehead. He pushed the glass forward.
“Please, Baby- it’s just a panic attack. Water will help-” At least that is what it looked like. Lars had only had a few all of which consisting of him huddled in on himself trying to breathe. This looked somewhat similar- though Casey was much more pale. Lars had learned how to handle it- after months of hard counseling and a couple medications. And poor Casey was currently not handling it.
Casey looked around the room as he took another deep breath. He would not throw up on Lars’s bed. He kept shaking as his forehead pressed against the washcloth, Lars’s other hand on his bare back circling in slow strokes, even if Lars’s hands themselves were shaky. Casey shuddered as he gripped the sheets shaking his head at the nausea. He rubbed his face as he got a single second of reprieve before another wave hit.
“Casey?” His voice was too concerned, Casey shook his head- what time was it. Lars should sleep. He was cranky when he didn’t sleep. Casey always made sure he slept. His hand moved back to his thigh which was briskly pulled away as he shook uncontrollably. He tried the breathing technique again which was met with another sob through his clothed mouth. He felt it burn as he swallowed the bile back down. No. He felt Lars rub him harder.
“It’s okay.” It’s not. “Just breathe baby-” Easier said than done. Casey thought as he grabbed Lars’s hand holding the washcloth from his face and buried himself into his chest. Lars didn't even flinch as he wrapped the washcloth around the back of his neck. Casey then had another second of bliss as it subsided- then came back.
The thing about these moments- especially when he was alone- was that he could cause pain- release endorphins around his body and distract. Cause enough of it to where every ounce of adrenaline that had unfortunately taken over had subsided before he had even considered stopping. He wouldn’t- couldn’t do that to Lars. Especially when they had had those conversations before.
They had been in the same bed- it was earlier- a few months perhaps. And Lars had requested so kindly to see Casey. Just see him. That was all they ever did at the time, look at each other. Occasionally they would touch- not in any sexual sense. Even though Casey sometimes desired it more than anything. Lars wasn’t ready, and if he wasn’t neither was Casey
They had been on the bed, Lars in one of Casey’s shirts and boxers, and Casey in nothing, as Lar’s hands roamed his chest and legs, just scanning and digesting whatever he could, rubbing his fingers over the leather of Casey’s gloved hands, up his arms, over the many scars he had acquired throughout the years- whether it was from stuntwork or otherwise, he would run his hands along every single one. He got to the ones near the shoulders of Casey’s arms.
Raised, parallel, and meticulous, Casey had been with them. He always was careful with placement- like his sad lonely young adults self destructive habits were meaningful in any way. “What are these ones from?” Lars had asked like he did with all the others, even the ones under Casey’s pecs. Though he had told him about those before this instance. Lars liked listening. Hearing about his Casey.
“Nothin’ special.”
“They are all special Casey.” Lars said, running his finger horizontally along them.
“I did them to myself.” Driver had mumbled rather lazily as he didn’t want it to be a thing.
“Like- on purpose?”
He nodded.
“Oh Casey, why would you do that-?” Lars had said sitting up aggressively out of worry. Casey almost felt pitiful towards him. Of course he would care.
“That is not something you should ever do to yourself- even if it was a bit ago- oh-”
“Lars- it wasn’t,” Casey said a little too loudly, putting a hand up to stop his voice, dropping it instantly. He stopped, trying to find the right words. “It felt good- when I did it. Not that I do now.” He said, not wanting to reiterate anymore. “So don’t worry.”
“I will.”
He had laughed in the small- silent laugh that Casey always did. “Don’t laugh, this is serious.” Lars laid back down onto the mattress, the lamp illuminating Casey's body as Lars looked up and down, causing Casey to wiggle in awareness. Lars bit down a smile as he put his hand back down onto them.
“Do you have any more like that?” He muttered.
“No, not really.” Lars didn’t ask him to explain. He just nodded. “And if you wanted to…” He paused, rubbing two fingers along his mustache trying to find the words. “You would tell me?”
It took Casey a moment before he looked Lars into his eyes. He did not do that very often, another thing they practiced. “Yes.”
Now, as Lars rubbed Casey’s back, he spoke quietly, feeling his breathing slow. “See- it is all okay Casey.” He said looking down onto his person's sweaty bare back, at some of the other marks they had discussed those couple months ago, and those tattoos Lars loved so very much when he first discovered them. He had loved to practice his touching on them, much to Casey's quiet delight.
Casey blinked harshly as he fought the tiredness that had finally surged back into his body, going limp as he felt the sensations leave his body as quickly as they had jolted him away. He sighed softly into Lars’s clothed shoulder.
Lars reached behind him to the glass he had set on the nightstand, and brought it to Casey. He leaned back and shakily grabbed it. Taking a small sip, nodding a thank you as Lars smiled, and smoothed the blankets they had both messed up in their panic ridden state.
Casey watched as he put the glass on the nightstand, looking to the clock. 3:14. Thank God, they had time to fall back asleep. He felt pathetic for having to wake Lars up, intentional or not. He felt embarrassment rise up as Lars turned to him from sorting out the blankets and put a hand on Casey's chest to guide him into the mattress to lie down.
“It is okay Casey.” He said, laying down next to him, inching closer as he turned to lay on his side facing Casey. Casey blinked shakily as Lars tugged the blankets back up, and slowly reached an arm around Casey's waist pulling him close to him.
Casey widened his eyes giving him a look as Lars smiled at his own bravery. Normally comfort was the easiest way to touch Casey, though the other moments had been different than the one tonight. He let himself put his other arm to Casey too, who pressed forward.
“You okay?” Casey's gravely voice said as he had yet to use it these whole 15 minutes.
“Why are you asking me that?” Lars said- as Casey had been the one seemingly dying to an outsiders perspective.
He was so sweet. Lars thought to himself- the only time he had said it to Casey out loud that he had been met with a face of confusion and dumbfounded disbelief. Lars had giggled, Casey did not make many faces, so that one was particularly funny. But it was true. Casey was in fact sweet. And if it was only to Lars that made it all the more special, because Lars, if he was being honest, wanted Casey to be his and only his.
Casey only shrugged.