Archive of Our Own

Rui’s seat was empty.

Tsukasa frowned. It’s been empty for weeks. He hasn’t been showing up for Wonderlands x Showtime meetings either, and the group chat with all four members was devoid of Rui’s usual messages.

Rui had messaged him a few weeks earlier, telling him that there was something urgent that came up and he probably would be unavailable for a while. Tsukasa had expected Rui’s absence to be a few days, not over half a month.

Today though, Tsukasa can’t shake the feeling that something was deeply wrong. He couldn’t focus on what his teacher was saying at all, and his hands kept finding their way back to his phone. He pushed the feeling down the best he could, but still his notebook remained empty.

As soon as his teacher dismissed them, Tsukasa jumped from his seat and almost bolted out of the door. He didn’t even know where he was going, he just felt like he needed to go.

“Tsukasa-kun!” Rin’s voice calls. Tsukasa pulled out his phone to see her and MEIKO. “Have you seen Rui-kun recently?”

Tsukasa shakes his head. “I haven’t– I haven’t heard from him in weeks.”

MEIKO and Rin glance at each other, but Tsukasa is too focused on something he caught from the corner of his eye. MEIKO clears her throat to try and get his attention. “Maybe you should wait a little longer before going to see—”

“Rui?!” Tsukasa spots his blue, blue cardigan from the window. Rui’s back was to him, talking with Nene. Tsukasa couldn’t even find it in him to be upset that Rui had not texted Tsukasa that he was back in school; he was just so happy to see him again. Happier than one normally should be when separated from a friend for a few weeks, but neither Tsukasa or Rui have ever been normal, right?

He immediately runs downstairs to greet him, completely forgetting that Rin and MEIKO were still in his hand. 

“Rui! There you are! I haven't heard from you in weeks and you just show up to school out of the blue?!” He shouts as he approaches Nene and Rui.

As soon as she sees him though, a look comes across Nene’s face that couldn't be described in any other way than utterly horrified and panicked. “Tsukasa, wait…!”

Rui turns to look at him too, and for a brief moment, Tsukasa is overjoyed to have his friend back. But Rui's eyes don't light up like they normally do. And he doesn't smile as Tsukasa draws even closer. He doesn't even greet him with the “Tsukasa-kun, hello!” Tsukasa was looking forward to.

Instead, Rui's face crinkles in confusion, eyes scanning Tsukasa as if he were a stranger and not his favorite person to bother on the daily. (Or at least, Tsukasa hopes he is Rui's favorite person to bother.)

Tsukasa’s smile drops a bit, looking at Rui, then Nene, then to Rin and MEIKO still in his hands. “What… what's wrong? Nene? Rui?”

Nene doesn't meet his eyes, looking… guilty almost.

Rui clears his throat and finally speaks, the first time Tsukasa has heard him in three whole weeks.

“I apologize but… do I know you?”

…

Tsukasa is still reeling from the shock of it all as he sat on the rooftop across from a Rui that treated him like a stranger.

His head buzzed as he watched him sketch designs for robots and other inventions into his sketchbook, not paying attention to a word of what Rin, MEIKO or Nene was telling him.

“Hey.” Nene shakes his arm, making Tsukasa snap back into reality. “You okay?”

“How did he… Why can't Rui remember me?”

Nene sighs, clearly having told Tsukasa before but he wasn't paying attention then. Even so, she still explains it all over again. “Rui… he had surgery. It messed him up a bit and now he…”

“Surgery?” Tsukasa wasn't told. He wasn't told anything. “What kind of surgery— surgery shouldn't mess up his memories!”

Nene winces. “The surgery Rui had… it… Memory loss was one of its side effects. He really didn't want to go through with the surgery but… I guess he didn't want to die more.”

“Rui was…?” Tsukasa’s jaw clicks shut. He can't even finish the sentence. He didn't… Rui never told him about any surgery and definitely didn't tell Tsukasa that he was in threat of dying. Rui had been coughing a lot before he disappeared, but he assured Tsukasa that it was just a bug he caught. Was it not…? “I… didn't know.”

He doesn't like talking about this, about anything too medical. When he was younger, he trained himself to never talk about anything medical related so he wouldn't slip up in front of Saki. Back then, Saki hated getting her blood drawn, hated knowing when her surgery dates were and especially hated hearing anything related to her illness.

Back then, she was young and ill and always short of breath due to her blood not working as it should. Even still, she always somehow found the energy to throw tantrums, especially at times where she was especially struggling to get through treatment, and as a result Tsukasa had learned to not talk about treatment or illness so Saki would smile a little easier.

She doesn't throw these tantrums anymore, and she's grown to be strong and happy, if not quite healthy. Saki has gotten more comfortable talking about her condition and things surrounding it as she got older but Tsukasa… continued to not.

Perhaps a part of him doesn't like to talk about it because he's reminded of how easily Saki can die compared to most people. Even if she has made peace with her limited time on earth and wants to live life to the fullest, Tsukasa has not. As childish as it is, Tsukasa doesn't want anyone he cares about to die.

And yet, here he was. Confronted with the fact that Rui had been so close to dying, to the point of needing surgery, and Tsukasa had no clue. What if Rui had died? What if the surgery was delayed or didn't work or—

“He didn't tell anybody. I didn't find out until he was already being operated on.” Nene grits her teeth. “I don't know what he told his parents but…”

“Am I the only one he doesn't remember?” Tsukasa whispers, watching Rui talk with Rin on his phone like he often does. He didn't seem surprised at all to see her or MEIKO, and he was talking with Nene like how he usually would too… It was Tsukasa, only Tsukasa, who Rui didn't recognize at all.

He squeezes his eyes shut when Nene opens her mouth to answer. Desperately, maybe even selfishly, Tsukasa wishes Rui forgot someone else too. Maybe Sakurako or Reki or even his own father, just so Tsukasa could feel better for not being the only one.

But Nene responds as if she already knows for sure. “Well… uh… maybe not…?” She tries to reassure him. Somehow, it hurts even more with Nene lying to him than her just telling Tsukasa outright that Rui remembered everyone but him.

How unimportant was he to Rui that he was the only one he forgot?

Tsukasa swallows the heavy pressure in his throat, turning to face him. “Rui… how much do you remember about MEIKO and the others? Do you… know who the Sekai belongs to?”

“Hm?” Rui lifts his head. “I remember everyone. Miku-kun, KAITO-san, and the rest too. And… the Sekai is Wonderlands x Showtime's Sekai. It’s made out of… feelings.”

“But whose feelings? Whose specifically?” Tsukasa stresses, trying to jog his memory. Rui opens his mouth but nothing comes out.

The answer is literally right in front of him but Rui struggles to answer, like Tsukasa and only Tsukasa has been erased from Rui's memory completely. Tsukasa can almost hear Rui responding, “Why, your feelings of course, Tsukasa-kun.” but he doesn't and that's what's upsetting.

“Tsukasa, it's no use.” Nene shakes her head but Tsukasa refuses to believe it.

“He still remembers the Sekai and he remembers Wonderlands x Showtime. I’m sure I’m also buried in the back of his mind somewhere.” Tsukasa reasons. “We just need to jog his memory.”

“I’ve tried already. He doesn’t remember y– anything.”

“Then I’ll keep trying until he remembers.” Tsukasa says, determined. “He’s our director but more than that, he’s our friend. I’m sure Rui would want to remember everything too, right?” He looks at Rui.

Rui just sits there, looking a bit confused on why Tsukasa would be so determined to get his memories back. In all honesty, Tsukasa isn’t too sure himself, but if he knows one thing it’s that he does not want to be forgotten, least of all by Rui.

“I think it’s a great idea!” MEIKO speaks up from Rui’s phone.

“MEIKO-san, you think so?” Rui asks.

“I do!” MEIKO nods solemnly. Beside her, Rin also nods but with much more vigor.

“Rui-kun has not been acting like Rui-kun. Not really!” She adds. “Rui-kun would not be himself if he did not remember his precious friends, especially Tsukasa-kun!”

Using their words as encouragement, Tsukasa surges forward and grabs one of Rui’s hands. “Listen here, Rui! I don't know what happened or why you didn't tell me anything, but I'm here now! I'll help you remember me. I'll help you remember anything you've forgotten, you hear?

Rui is quiet for a minute, then he chuckles, albeit quietly. “I’m curious about how you think you could. To me, I really don't remember you all. There's not even a space or anything, you're just… not there. It's strange. I don't… even remember that I was sick or had any surgery in the first place.”

“I'll help you remember!” Tsukasa insists again even though he doesn't know how either. “After all, I promised to give you 12,000%!”

“For shows and stuff like that.” Nene points out. Her brow was furrowed, indicating that she was stressed out or at least thinking hard about something. “Tsukasa, you… this…”

She visibly struggles, trying to find the right words but eventually gives up. “If he doesn't remember then you shouldn't force it. It might just hurt him in the long run.”

“How would it hurt me?” Rui tilts his head. “Has Tsukasa-san hurt me before? Recently?”

Tsukasa almost bites the tip of his tongue off at hearing how Rui addressed him. “Tsukasa-san” he said, so neutral that it hurts him to his core.

Though… “hurt him in the long run,” Nene said. What does that mean?

“Kind of… But not… Not… intentionally.” Nene answers Rui after some hesitation. “Never intentionally.”

Tsukasa had hurt Rui? Tsukasa really tries to not bite through his tongue but he tastes blood anyway.

He knows that, in the early days of Wonderlands x Showtime and in Rui and Tsukasa's friendship, Tsukasa wasn't the most pleasant person to Nene, Emu or Rui. Especially Nene.

Both Nene and Rui have long forgiven Tsukasa for that though, and they haven't had a disagreement as bad since the Halloween show they did.

He can't recall anything he's done recently that might have hurt Rui. Maybe sneaking a few vegetables into the bento box he made for him… but Rui picked them all out anyways and stuck out his tongue when Tsukasa scolded him.

That was normal… or so Tsukasa had thought. Did he actually make Rui upset by doing that? “Nene… have I…?”

“If Tsukasa-san would never hurt me intentionally, then I think it's okay.” Rui shrugs. “Also… I'm curious. I really don't remember anything about Tsukasa-san but you're so familiar with him, Nene. He knows about the Sekai, knows about Miku-kun and the others. Tsukasa-san and I, we must have been close, right?”

Nene shakes her head, a fond smiling making its way across her face. “You have no idea.”

“Then… there’s no issue.” Rui looks at Nene, as if asking her to tell him he’s wrong, but Nene just shrugs. What… does she know?

Tsukasa looks at Rui, finding him looking back. Tsukasa startles just the slightest bit.

“Well then,” Rui smiles at him. Not his usual smile, the one gives to Tsukasa, the one he was starting to miss, but one he gave to acquaintances and work associates. “I'll be in your care, Tsukasa-san.”

“Ah…” He was so unused to Rui addressing him like this, so formal. He recovers as quick as he can and tries his best to smile. “Ah! Yes! You’ll be remembering me in no time, Rui! Here, why don’t we start with our classroom and make our way to the rooftop?”

Tsukasa holds out his hand but Rui doesn’t take it. Just stares and tilts his head, confused. Tsukasa’s not sure how much more of this he’ll be able to take.

…

Nothing worked. This was rapidly becoming one of the worst days of his life.

Tsukasa had dragged Rui all over the school. Pointing at their shared classroom, their usual lunch spot on the roof, the scorch marks Rui's latest invention left on the outside of the gym. Rui… remembered these spots but he doesn't remember that Tsukasa was right there beside him the whole time.

Tsukasa really tried his best to remind him, telling story after story of them running from teachers or Rui getting them both in trouble or them putting on an embarrassing birthday show for Nene.

No matter how much detail Tsukasa went into, it didn’t seem like Rui believed him at all.

“I told you, he can’t remember.” Nene says, as they watch Rui perform his greening committee duties with a practiced ease. “To him, it's like… you never existed.”

Tsukasa presses his nails into his arm. “That's not fair. Why's it only me that he forgot?” 

Nene doesn't say anything, though she clearly knows something he doesn't. Tsukasa wanted to yell at her, that this was no time to be keeping secrets— but, was it truly that serious in the first place?

Tsukasa takes a deep breath, calming down as best he could. If Nene didn't want to tell him then it must be for a reason, he trusted her, but he wasn't going to sit back and do nothing.

Rui had to remember Tsukasa. He had to.

His phone buzzed with a text from a fellow disciplinary committee member, Tsukasa had his own duties to see to.

“I won't give up on him.” Tsukasa tells Nene as he tucked his phone away. “I… was important to him, right? If he'd have forgotten you or Emu, I'd try just as hard to get him to remember.”

“You were important to him, Tsukasa. You were.” Nene lightly squeezes his forearm in reassurance. “It's just… his brain is a little mixed up.”

“Is…” Tsukasa swallows, "Is there a chance that this… might be permanent? That… he really forgot me and all those memories we made together, everything we did as a pair… all those feelings… they're all gone for good?”

“...I don't know. I really hope not.” She confesses in a quiet voice. “But if anyone were to get him to remember, it'd be you, Tsukasa.”

“You're not against this anymore? What happened to I'll hurt him if I force him to remember?”

“Not like you'd listen.” Nene scoffs. “...I don't want you to misunderstand. I'm not happy that Rui had this surgery either. I hate that he didn't tell me, or Mizuki, or any of us before he did.”

“I mean, I get why he did, the only other option was to d—” Nene glanced at Tsukasa and cleared her throat. “But for him to forget things that are most precious to him… I don't know if I could have made the same choice.”

“I want him to remember you too, but he just got cleared to go back to school. I don't want you to push too hard and… and for Rui to end up having a relapse of his illness or something.”

“I'll be careful.” Tsukasa promises. He's read about cases about patients who weren't given enough care or time to heal completely after surgery had whatever good the operation did immediately reversed by the illness coming back even more aggressively. The last thing he wants is that to happen to Rui. “I won't push him more than what he can handle, I swear.”

“...Yeah.” She nods. Nene trusted him as well. “...And if it doesn’t work?”

Tsukasa's phone buzzed again in his pocket. “I'll figure it out. See you tomorrow, Nene.”

He walks a stride or two before he remembers something, turning back. “Nene, don't you have library committee things to do?”

“Oh— shit!” Nene curses, scrambling to gather her belongings. “Fucking— Fuck, I need to stop talking to you and Rui at school.”

“Wha– Why are you blaming us?! We didn’t even do anything this time!”

“I always get distracted by some shit one of you is pulling! You literally dragged Rui and I all over the school!”

“You didn’t have to tag along, that was your choice!”

“I just said that all you two do is cause trouble and distract me!”

“How is that our fault?!” He was shouting but Tsukasa couldn’t help but smile. Arguing with Nene was so familiar. To the point where Tsukasa can almost ignore Rui staring at them like they were insane.

‘Our’, ‘you two’, ‘us’, these words slipped out of both Nene and Tsukasa like it was normal, and it was. It was uncommon to see Tsukasa without Rui and vice versa. They were known as a pair– Literally oddballs one and two.

To think that Rui doesn’t remember any of it, that all he remembers is that he went through the ostracization, rumors, scoldings and detentions all alone…

Well, it hurts Tsukasa in a way he couldn’t describe, but he’s sure it hurts Rui more.

…

That night, at dinner, Tsukasa was unusually quiet as he picked through his bowl.

Kanade was over and eating with them today, so his dad has made shoyu ramen from scratch to celebrate. Ever since Mafuyu moved in with her, she's been over less and less.

She was a bit of a strange case. Tsukasa had offered her a place to stay at the Tenma's after meeting her in a strange new Sekai one day. Miku had warned them to never tell anyone, not even the other people who have access to their regular Sekais, about this new one.

‘Them’ being Ichika, Saki's childhood best friend and one of her girlfriends, Minori, an idol working with several acquaintances of Tsukasa's, Kohane, a friend of Emu’s from Miyamasuzaka and Wonderlands x Showtime’s biggest fan, Tsukasa himself and Kanade of course.

Tsukasa doesn't really understand why this new Sekai was made or why the five of them out of all people were given partial access. Partial, because the specific song that needs to be played to access this new Sekai only shows up sometimes, unlike the songs for their regular Sekais. It was all so weird to the point where Tsukasa stopped trying to question the logic of Sekais and just went along with it.

Long story short, Kanade has a room all her own at the Tenma’s, like Toya does, where she stays over and sleeps whenever her apartment gets too lonely or Tsukasa decides that she needs a change of pace. She stayed over more last year, but that's because she didn't have a roommate back then.

Tsukasa doesn't know the specifics but he knows that Mafuyu, a friend of Kanade’s, has been having some trouble at home and is staying at Kanade's for now. Tsukasa just hopes everything will be alright.

She still comes over, at times with Mafuyu in tow, and stays for dinner and maybe an overnight stay. She's family, his sister. She may not have known Tsukasa or the rest of the Tenma's nearly as long as Toya has and she may never call Tsukasa's mother and father ‘mom’ and ‘dad’ just like Toya doesn't, but she's family all the same.

Tsukasa certainly likes it when she's here, he likes having the house so full of conversation and life.

Tonight however, Tsukasa couldn't find it in him to contribute much, too busy thinking of the Rui he saw at school today. 

His mother speaks up, “Tsukasa, dear. You’re so listless. Are you alright?”

“Sorry! I was just thinking.” Tsukasa snaps out of his stupor, trying to play it off. “How has school been for you, Kanade?”

“It's been more of the same. Mafuyu’s a good study partner.” Kanade shrugs. “...Tsukasa-san, are you sure you're alright?”

“Does this have something to do with Kamishiro-senpai?” Toya asks from across the table. Tsukasa nearly dropped his chopsticks on the floor.

Saki immediately notices his fumble. “Did something happen with Rui-kun?”

“I–” Tsukasa cut himself off. He doesn't want to talk about this, dying and operations and being forgotten, not at the dinner table and especially not with Saki, or even Kanade, with the numerous losses in her life.

Toya blinks at him. “I heard… that Kamishiro-senpai has been absent for quite a while.” He says carefully. “There are a lot of unpleasant rumors going around— is that what you are thinking about, Tsukasa-nii?”

“Rumors?” Tsukasa's father asks and Toya hesitantly nods.

“Some— some say that he finally got expelled or suspended. Others say he transferred again.” His younger brother explains. “...The worst of them say he got… in trouble with the law. I don’t think anybody truly believes that, though.”

“That’s horrible!” Saki gasps. “Rui-san would never do anything horrible to other people! What– what kind of people could even think of saying those things?!”

“Sometimes, when people see others as too different from them, they choose to be cruel.” Their mother sighs. “I hope this isn't a common occurrence.”

“Rui has been facing rumors like this ever since he transferred to Kamiyama.” Tsukasa mutters. “It's unfair.”

“Kamishiro-senpai isn’t like that at all.” Toya adds in a quiet voice. “...But it's true that Kamishiro-senpai has been gone for quite a while. Akiyama told me that the reason he has been absent was for health reasons.”

“Health reasons?” Saki repeats. Tsukasa feels like he's been dunked in cold water. “Is Rui-san okay?”

“I… Rui… he…” Tsukasa stumbles over his words. He doesn't want to talk about this. He really doesn't want to talk about this.

He had been so, so happy to see Rui today, to finally start seeing his best friend every day again, for everything to go back to how it was. 

But seeing Rui, seeing his guard up and eyes wary, entirely untrusting of Tsukasa, it feels as if the world turned on his head. For a split second, he had thought the Rui he knew before, the kind, gentle and smiling Rui he so deeply cared for, was all an act.

What would Tsukasa do if Rui ever came up to him and said he hated him? What would Tsukasa do if Rui ever said to him that he wanted to stop being friends? That the connection they shared, their closeness, was all just one-sided on Tsukasa’s part? And Rui didn’t share that sentiment?

Tsukasa knows that he’s a lot sometimes, and Rui is too, but Tsukasa had thought– maybe hoped— that Rui out of all people could at least tolerate him.

Maybe he pushed him too much, got on Rui’s nerves without noticing, crossed boundaries he didn’t know were there— but Tsukasa never wants to hurt anyone, especially not his friends or family. Especially not Rui.

But Tsukasa has hurt him, Nene said so. It’s just… Tsukasa doesn't know when he did, and Rui doesn't seem to remember at all.

It makes him feel awful. He can’t even apologize and promise to do better since he doesn’t even know what he needs to be doing better.

“Rui… he recently…” Tsukasa’s tongue felt heavy. He’s spiraling, he feels it. Thoughts of ‘what if’ run laps in his head to the point where it makes him physically dizzy, gripping his chopsticks tight to try and have some sort of anchor.

Eventually, he’s pulled back to earth by his father’s warm and steady hand on his shoulder. He must look awful, if someone is comforting him. Quickly as he could, Tsukasa tries to straighten his face. “He underwent surgery. Recently.”

Saki tenses up, face contorting as if trying to keep a visceral reaction in check. Tsukasa wants to stop talking. He doesn’t.

“I saw him today, at school.” He chooses to look down at his half-eaten bowl instead. His bowl is messy. “He… Nene said that the surgery had some side effects and now he doesn’t… He doesn’t remember me.”

“Not remembering you as in… he’s back to remembering a time before you were friends?” Kanade asks.

“No, I mean, he remembers everything. Phoenix Wonderland, the Wonder Stage, Emu, An, Akito… The only one he forgot was me.” Tsukasa ducks his head even further. He doesn’t know why it feels shameful, admitting this to his family. Maybe it’s because he knows they know how dear Tsukasa holds Rui, and for Rui to just forget him, just like that… What does that say about Rui’s perception of Tsukasa? “It’s like… I never even existed to him. I’m… a blank spot.”

“Oh, Tsukasa…” His mother moves to get up, maybe to hug him or maybe to wipe the tears that Tsukasa can feel in his eyes, but he wipes them away quicker, smiling to reassure her.

“It’s okay! It’s temporary, I think… I– I’m going to be showing Rui the Wonder Stage and other places to try and jog his memory. I was thinking hard about that just now. I’m sure– I’m sure he’ll remember me in no time!”

His parents share a familiar glance, a glance Tsukasa saw often when he was young, and his mother nods slightly. “I see… I hope it won’t be too much trouble for you.”

“No trouble at all! If it’s for Rui then I’m happy to help!” Tsukasa is still smiling, trying his best to not make it seem strained. Let's stop talking about this. Please.

A brief silence settles over the dining table, it reminds Tsukasa of an empty house.

Toya is the one to break it. “I hope Kamishiro-senpai recovers soon. I'm sure he will, with you looking after him, Tsukasa-nii.”

“Yes, I'll make sure he will!” Tsukasa declares like his usual self. Unconsciously, he glanced towards Saki.

Her expression is unreadable, but she was definitely thinking hard about something.

He looks away quick before she catches him looking. He doesn't want to remind her of more unpleasant days spent in the hospital. She seemed to have noticed anyway, as her gaze turned pointed and scrutinizing, trying to meet his eyes but Tsukasa vehemently avoided them.

“Kanade, how has Mafuyu been anyway?” He changes the subject. “You said something about him– um, returning home for a bit?”

“Mafuyu… is doing… Well, he’s doing better than when he was at home…” Kanade glanced to her side, at Saki, then started recounting interactions she and Mafuyu's father had. 

He lets out a sigh of relief, having successfully steered the conversation elsewhere. The feeling didn't last long however, as the thought of ‘what if I fail’ takes root in his mind.

Tsukasa was usually confident in his abilities, always looking to push himself to the very limit, but he fears he may have bitten off more than he could chew this time.

Rin and MEIKO, and likely everyone else in the Sekai too, is hoping he'll find a way to restore Rui's memory, but in truth, Tsukasa doesn't even know how or where to start.

Walking around and pointing at different places where they made memories doesn't seem to be doing the trick, so what should Tsukasa do?

And if he does fail in getting Rui to remember?

Tsukasa shakes his head. No. He will get Rui to remember. And if he doesn't, that's fine too. It was still Rui in the end, and Rui was Tsukasa's friend, no matter what. Tsukasa would never— could never— abandon him.

The mere thought of it though, of a Rui who’d never remember him… leaves a bad taste in his mouth. Suddenly, the ramen in his bowl doesn't look very appetizing.

He'll just need to try his very very best to get Rui's memory back. And if he fails…

He'll figure it out.

-

Emu greets Tsukasa at Phoenix Wonderland’s gates, waving and jumping as soon as she spotted him. “Good wonderhoy, Tsukasa-kun!” In a lower voice, she says to him, “Rin-chan and Nene-chan told me what's going on. Does Rui-kun really not remember anything about Tsukasa-kun?”

Tsukasa nods, chest clenching. He tried, he really really tried this past week to help Rui remember him, but nothing was working. Tsukasa even ended up roping Taniyama, Miyake and Hayashi, Rui's friends from their second year trip to Kyoto, into showing him around the school and telling stories of weirdos one and two in hopes that Rui would remember or at the very least believe Tsukasa.

He didn't. The school week had flown by before he knew it and here he was now, at Phoenix Wonderland, hoping that the Wonder Stage would trigger something in Rui.

Emu's face flashes with worry. “That's really awful! What kind of surgery can make someone forget someone else entirely, but leave everything else?!”

“I really don't know. I didn't even think it was possible… just forgetting one whole person and nothing else…”

Emu's expression melts into something more serious, clearly thinking hard about something. Such a far departure from her usual expression, Tsukasa couldn't help but smile. Like this, Emu looked a lot like her dad or one of her older brothers.

“Rui still remembers you though. You don't need to worry.”

“Hmm, I'm thinking about how we can get Rui-kun to remember Tsukasa-kun.” Emu closes her eyes and waves her hands as if she were a fortune teller waving over a crystal ball. “What if we gave him a real hard bonk on the head? Like bonk and he'll remember Tsukasa-kun like snap!”

“Rui got out of surgery not too long ago. I don't think hitting him in his head would do him any good.” Tsukasa chuckles at the suggestion. “Besides, hitting him in the head could easily make him forget more instead of remembering.”

“That's true, we gotta protect Rui-kun’s super smart brain.” Emu lightly knocks on her own head. “Still… the surgery and its side effects… Don't they seem weird? What kind of surgery did he have exactly? It wasn’t brain surgery, was it?”

“Nene didn't tell me. I don't think it was brain surgery…” He trailed off. “Could it have been?”

“I'll figure it out.” Emu promises before she waves to an approaching Nene and Rui. “Nene-chan! Rui-kun!”

Tsukasa stays by the gates as he watches Rui greet Emu as usual. He doesn't know how to approach him anymore, not when Rui regards him as a stranger.

Nene waves at him when Emu leads them to where he was standing. The crowds were starting to arrive as Phoenix Wonderland opened for the weekend.

“Tsukasa, how are you?” She asks, and, for the first time in a long time, Tsukasa doesn't stand proud with his hands on his hips and declares that he's doing positively wonderful.

No, Tsukasa stands and shrugs.

Nene nods slightly, she understands at least.

“We should make our way to the Wonder Stage before it gets too crowded, you two.” He called to Emu and Rui, who were speaking to each other in lower tones. Emu, for one, was not smiling and looked rather displeased.

“It’s been a while since we’ve been to the Wonder Stage. It wasn’t too long ago that we were ambassadors for Phoenix Wonderland.” Rui walks with ease through the park, Tsukasa could trick himself into believing that everything was normal and nothing was wrong.

…If it weren’t for Rui jolting when he spoke, that is. “Indeed it has, hasn’t it? We’ve been doing collaborations shows left and right. We’ve improved lots but it feels nice to be back where we started as a troupe!”

“Right… yes.”

Tsukasa finds it in him to smile at Rui as they approach their first ever stage together. All in all, it hasn’t really changed since they’ve last performed on it. Maybe it’s gotten a fresh coat of paint but it’s still the same, just like Wonderlands x Showtime was the same as well. They've grown, but they’re still Wonderlands x Showtime and it's still the same Wonder Stage. 

Emu excitedly climbs up onto the stage, imitating Tsukasa by striking one of his many poses. “Look! Tsukasa-kun, I’m you during our first ever halloween show!”

“Emu, you’re doing the wrong pose! It should be this one!” Tsukasa strikes the correct pose.

Nene rolls her eyes, sitting down at one of the benches. “I’d be concerned if it was the right pose.”

“Tsukasa-kun struck that pose,” Emu copies him. “And then… Tsukasa-kun was being chased by the robots that Rui-kun built!”

“My zombie robots… Yes, they’re still sitting in my room.” Rui chuckles a little. “They were for the show… where we were trying to win an appearance in one of Phoenix Wonderland's commercials, am I right?”

“Right but… you still have those creepy things?” Nene asks, disgusted.

“My robots? Yes. I know you don’t like them so I always hide them when you come over.”

“That’s even creepier.”

“Rui-kun, if you still have those robots maybe we can use them for another show!” Emu suggests. “Now that your robots won’t go all bzzt and pull Tsukasa-kun back into the trap room!”

“Pull… Tsukasa-san back into the trap room?” Rui tilts his head.

“Right… This was the show that caused our first ever argument, Rui!” Tsukasa laughs. He remembers being scared, but not scared because he was injured, he was scared that his injury had permanently made Rui hold back in his directing. It’s all in the past now, but Tsukasa will never forget the time where he had worried that Rui’s confidence as a honest-to-god brilliant director was destroyed by him, all because a stupid little injury.

He really didn't mean to yell at Rui back then… He was just angry with himself that he let himself get injured at all. To the point of being knocked out too…

“You discovered a trap door on the stage and we decided to try and use it for our show. The idea was that the zombies would pull me down while escaping. One of your zombie robots malfunctioned and ended up pulling me back down into the trap room while I was actually trying to get out and I ended up falling for real. There was a mat, of course! But I still was knocked unconscious by accident.”

Rui’s expression dropped for a second. “I see…”

“No! Don’t even think of making that face!” Tsukasa wags a finger at him, gesturing to himself. “Look at me, completely fine!”

“You didn’t get seriously injured, though, did you, Tsukasa-san?” 

“No, you made sure of that!” He reassures him. “I trust you with my life, Rui! I also trust that you’d make our shows as best as they can be.”

“Even after I injured you…”

“Of course! Whenever I do get hurt it’s always by accident. I know you’d never harm me, or anyone, on purpose. Our fight just proved that.”

Rui nods, concentrating hard. It seemed like he really was trying hard to remember everything Tsukasa says, but no matter how much he searched, his mind just kept coming up blank. “You still agreed to test my inventions? Even after… Even after you got hurt, you still stayed to do shows with Wonderlands x Showtime?”

“Of course, I’m the leader, where else would I go? More importantly, we came back even better than before!” Tsukasa says, proud of how far they’ve come since then. “We didn’t end up winning that commercial appearance, but we did something much more important! We saved Phoenix Wonderland from being made into an entirely new theme park under Riley Entertainment, and we became Phoenix Wonderland's Ambassadors.”

“...That… Yes. I do remember that… You were there, Tsukasa-san?”

That makes Tsukasa physically recoil. Emu appears from out of nowhere to steady him. “Yeah he was! Tsukasa-kun was there when we traveled all over too, even to America! We even got stuck on an island for a bit!”

“And somehow we’re still alive…” Nene shakes her head.

Tsukasa swallows, “Do… you remember that, Rui?”

“I remember. I remember playing with the monkeys on the island and Nene meeting her idol and… being extras in a film plus working with all these different troupes to improve our own skills…” Rui rubs his temple, as if trying to remember physically hurt, and maybe it really did. “And… I remember going to see a play at Tokyo Century Hall. This memory in particular hurts for some reason.”

“Tokyo Century Hall?” Emu ponders, “Oh! Could this be the play that Tsukasa-kun really likes? The one that made him cry just watching it?”

Tsukasa’s heart jumps to his throat, not only because of the reminder of him crying so much but because the memory of the play— a play so significant to Tsukasa– makes Rui hurt.

“Tsukasa-san cried?” Rui asks, amused. “Was he there?”

“Are you kidding? Really?” Nene shoots up from her seat. “You don’t remember Tsukasa’s silly pose in America or him playing Emu’s mentor during the show involving the whole park? How about his beautiful piano playing as Torpe?!”

She sounds so angry that Tsukasa feels as if he should take a step or two back. Nene really looks like she might give Rui a good punch or start cursing his entire bloodline.

Rui must think the same as he shrinks a bit. “Ah…”

Nene sighs. “Listen… All your memories involving Wonderlands x Showtime, hell, even your time at Kamiyama, just assume Tsukasa was there with you because more often than not he was.”

“I see.” Rui nods.

“It seems like Rui-kun has trouble fitting Tsukasa-kun into what he can remember.” they all jump at the metallic voice coming from Emu’s phone. When she pulls it out, KAITO is there. He must have shown up partway through their conversation.

“KAITO-oniisan!” Emu grins. 

“Hello everyone, it’s good to see you.” KAITO tips his hat. “Everyone filled me in on what happened.”

“Everyone…” Tsukasa mutters. He hopes the plushies weren't as upset as he was about the whole thing. Rui definitely does not need them swarming him right now, especially since he just recovered.

KAITO smiles, as if reading Tsukasa’s mind, and suggests, “If seeing the Wonder Stage isn’t helping Rui-kun recover his memories, how about coming into the Sekai? MEIKO, Rin and Len have taken the plushies on a train ride so it won’t be too crowded.”

“Do you think that could work, KAITO-oniisan?”

“It wouldn’t hurt to try. And it could be argued that one of the most important plays of Rui’s life happened here too…”

The reminder makes Tsukasa perk up. “Yes… Yes! You’re right KAITO-san! Troupe, let’s go to the Sekai!”

…

Tsukasa doesn't remember exactly the last time he's been to the Sekai’s main stage. He feels as if every time he's been to the Sekai as of late, he spends near the harbor.

To be completely fair though, he and the rest of Wonderlands x Showtime have been working hard on achieving their dreams together and more often than not it leaves them exhausted at the end of each day. Not exactly prime audience or actor material.

When he steps into the familiar tent, he can already feel the fond memories of this place rushing to him, both in this Sekai and when he was young, putting on shows for Saki just to cheer her up.

Back then, Tsukasa felt hopeless when faced with Saki, faced with the fact that his younger sister would suffer and he couldn't protect her from it. He still smiled though, telling her he believed she'd pull through surgery, pull through anything thrown her way because she was strong. And Saki is strong. Stronger than Tsukasa could ever be.

He feels that same hopelessness now, when faced by Rui. He wants to smile at him, to say that it'd all be okay and that Rui's strong enough to remember—

But Rui and Saki… they weren't exactly the same. Saki needed reassurance, someone to believe in her so she could reaffirm her belief in herself that she would indeed make it out of her kidney transplant; make it out of the hospital alive and ready to take on the world. 

Rui wasn't that. Rui was only going along with Tsukasa's plan to help him remember because he was curious on how Tsukasa would go about it, not because he actually wanted his memories restored. And why would he? Whatever the surgery was, Rui chose it. He chose to forget and to have these side effects to avoid dying. He chose to forget and he’s not exactly choosing to remember, and that's the part that hurts Tsukasa most.

Sure, Rui probably didn't know that he would forget Tsukasa entirely, but the mere thought of choosing to forget a whole person he holds dear… to not have any memories on them while they remembered it all… Tsukasa doesn't know.

“The most important show of my life happened here, huh…” Rui says, mostly to himself as he looked around the giant tent. “The show… it was the one that finally got me to join Wonderlands x Showtime, wasn't it? The one with the clown, the songstress, the alchemist… and the showman?”

The showman… Something clicks in Tsukasa’s mind. “The showman! Yes! Rui, you remember the play, don’t you? Why don’t we act it out, right here?!"

If Rui remembers the showman from the play then he remembers a part of Tsukasa. If he remembers that… maybe he can remember the whole reason the play was written, or he can remember the formation of Wonderlands x Showtime, and maybe then he can remember Tsukasa!

“Now?” Rui looks around. “But Miku-kun isn’t here to be the narrator…”

“I’ll be the narrator. …And the fairy as well I suppose.” KAITO volunteers. “Besides, everyone else is here.”

Rui blinked at him before looking over to Emu, then Nene… and then slowly to Tsukasa. “...Alright.”

KAITO smiles, squeezing Rui’s shoulder before making his way up onto the stage. “Once upon a time, there was an eccentric traveling theater troupe. There was an attention-craving showman, a stubborn clown, and a songstress too shy to sing in front of people.”

Tsukasa strikes a pose as he’s introduced. Emu jumps, bowing and tipping an invisible hat as Nene curtsied.

Standing here together with them, on the Sekai’s stage, made Tsukasa think back to when they first started performing together. Back then, Emu had only really wanted to breathe new life into the Wonder Stage, Nene had terrible stage fright and was fearfully shy, Rui had only barely breached dream of becoming a full fledged director and no matter how much Tsukasa boasted back then, his acting was only subpar.

Astonishing how much they've changed in just over a year. It honestly felt like longer, with how much they've grown. 

Tsukasa feels that his dream of becoming a star was closer than ever, right at his fingertips, but he knows that this is no reason to slack off. In fact, he'll just have work harder so he can grasp his dream tight, right alongside his troupe, and never let go.

His troupe… Watching all of them made Tsukasa want to do his best as well, to show how much he’s grown as well. When his part comes, he runs up to Rui, just like he did the first time they met. “What an incredible performance!” He praised. He still thinks Rui’s shows were the best he’s ever seen or had the privilege of being in. “If you joined us, our troupe will make a name for itself at last!”

Rui himself looked surprised and the slightest bit amused, watching Tsukasa in front of him. Like he was seeing Tsukasa as the showman for the very first time. “Who… are you?”

Tsukasa squeezed the hem of his dress shirt to keep himself from reacting. “I am a showman, and I could use your help to put on wonderful shows!” He says, as earnest as he can, just like he did the first time. “I promise, our spectacles will be a joy to see and a joy to perform in!”

Recognize me. Please, please. Say you remember this, remember me. Please.

Rui could barely get his next line out without laughing. Tsukasa, though, relaxed at the sight of the grin on his face. It was familiar. “You– you wish to make shows with me? I see. I suppose I could help you out a little.”

Tsukasa tries his best, but he still deflates a little. It doesn’t seem like Rui is having fun because he remembers this play and remembers Tsukasa as the showman, he’s having fun because he wasn’t expecting Tsukasa to give his all in this performance.

Tsukasa, at the very least, doesn’t flinch, not in front of Rui. He focused on continuing the show, trying to believe, just the slightest bit, that this would be enough to make Rui remember.

Rui on the other hand, looked and acted unbothered. He felt… distant. Like how Tsukasa felt when he was trying to get Rui to re-join Wonderlands x Showtime. It was like he was back to that lonely alchemist, performing by himself, like he had never known the warmth of a troupe by his side.

Tsukasa’s chest ached until he couldn’t take it anymore, so he poured all of it, all of these unfiltered and unfamiliar feelings, into the climax. “It's true that it's my dream to become a star. A star who brings joy to everyone! To me, a star is someone who delights the audience as much as his fellow performers with the most wonderful shows!”

…I want to reach you. Tsukasa thinks, selfishly. Rui, you’re so far away.

“Please, believe me this time! With our next show we can spread joy to everyone around us!”

It’s true that you’re still Rui.. You’re no less brilliant now compared to the Rui that remembered me… 

He kneels, and he reaches, a hand outstretched to Rui once again.

But I’m selfish. I don’t want an equally brilliant Rui, shining somewhere far away. I want to reach the Rui that was my friend, the one that's been by my side.

“My dear alchemist… won’t you join my troupe again?”

Rui stands there, looking stunned. 

Something soft, familiar, fond, flashes in his eyes, and for a second, Tsukasa believed that everything would be okay. Rui would take his hand, and declare himself to be the alchemist and everything would go back to normal.

It didn’t. Rui didn’t even take his hand, just laughed a bit, so familiar but so, so off, and said, “My… what a performer you are, Tsukasa-san.”

“Rui-kun! That's not what you say!” Emu insists from somewhere behind Tsukasa.

“My apologies, Emu-kun. I don't remember how the rest of the play is supposed to go.”

At that, Tsukasa drops his hand and Nene curses from behind him.

“It's alright!” He says before anybody else. “I… I don't know why I thought that would work.”

KAITO helps him up, patting his shoulder much like his father did. “Perhaps we're doing this all wrong. Rui-kun, what is the most significant thing you remember at the Wonder Stage? Perhaps that would be the key to solving this.”

“Most significant thing…” Rui mutters. “ The most significant thing that happened at the Wonder Stage? Hm… Ah. Our collaboration show with Tokyo Arkland.”

Arkland… Asahi… That was the most significant thing Rui remembered right now at the Wonder Stage. Tsukasa can’t help but be caught up in the question of why? Why Arkland– Why their first ever collaboration show with them? 

Tsukasa is suddenly hit with the thought that… he wasn’t special. Not in the slightest. At least, not to Rui. Asahi was also an amazing actor and respected troupe leader, one that had worked closely with Rui’s idol. What was Tsukasa, compared to that?

Sure, he was the one who… gave Rui the chance to change, as per his own words, but if Rui is to change he is also to grow. And no matter how much Rui says, there’s a small part of Tsukasa that worries that one day, Rui might outgrow him. That all of Wonderlands x Showtime will outgrow Tsukasa, and perhaps they won’t need him– or each other anymore. They want to stay together, true, but how realistic is that? If, one day, they all outgrow each other, but insist on staying together, won’t that, in turn, be limiting their growth?

Perhaps there is something that Rui is remembering from their collaboration show with Tokyo Arkland. Something Tsukasa had missed back then. Perhaps Asahi was someone Rui wanted to strive to become.

Tsukasa wants to know, why did Rui say their first collaboration show with Arkland was the most significant memory he had of the Wonder Stage and not any he had of Wonderland x Showtime?

Tsukasa takes a deep breath. “Alright… then, we’ll go to Arkland.”

-

It takes longer than expected to actually get to Arkland. Not that Tokyo Arkland was too far away, it very much was not, it was just hard for everyone to find time in their schedules to go together. It seems like, at every turn, if it were not Nene or Tsukasa that was unavailable due to committee duties and homework, it was Emu or it was Rui who had another post-surgery checkup at the hospital. 

Like the universe was explicitly trying to stop them from reaching Arkland and restoring Rui’s memory… or something like that.

It takes two weeks. During that time, Tsukasa had hoped that the surgery’s side effects would have worn off and Rui would return back to normal, but he didn’t. Still Tsukasa didn’t stop hoping.

During school, it was now Tsukasa the one approaching Rui instead of the other way around, asking him to have lunch together and hang out in between classes. Their classmates have started joking that their bodies have been swapped, as Rui had stopped his crazy experiments as well.

An had even stopped Tsukasa in the hallway and told him that the school was now unnervingly quiet without “Weirdos one and two screwing around.” Tsukasa couldn’t help but agree— it truly was too quiet. 

Hopefully, Arkland will help restore both Rui and Kamiyama back to normal.

“If it isn’t my favorite troupe from Phoenix Wonderland!” Asahi grins as soon as he spots the four of them approaching. “Don’t tell Sakurako I said that. How are you doing? Thinking hard about your next steps?”

Rui flinches, just the slightest bit, and steps a bit more behind Emu.

Tsukasa glances at him, then to Asahi and back again, something weighing on his chest. He's felt it before when they worked with Arkland once again, that feeling that Asahi and Rui… knew something that nobody else did. 

He swallows it down though, shaking Asahi’s hand. “It’s good to see you again too! We’re here just to observe your troupe today, is that alright?”

Nene, Emu and Tsukasa had all agreed that it wouldn’t be a good idea to let too many people know that Rui was… the way he was. He didn't need to be crowded with concern right now, especially not when he wouldn’t really get why everyone was so concerned. He knew that Tsukasa was someone important he forgot, but Nene doubts he genuinely understands just how much Tsukasa meant to him. 

Tsukasa thought he knew how much he meant to Rui. Now, he’s not too sure.

“More than alright. You guys are always welcome!” Asahi is grinning brightly but Tsukasa does not find it in him to smile back with the same brightness.

They spend the day at Arkland, shadowing Asahi’s troupe or breaking off from them to go on a few rides and play games. Honestly, it's more of a hangout rather than an honest-to-god mission to help Rui regain his memories, but everyone was having fun so Tsukasa couldn't find it in him to complain.

Eventually, a few members of Asahi's troupe find them while on their break, striking up conversation by talking about upcoming plays or award shows. Rui seemed to be surprised to be surrounded by so many people who had the same interests as him, as he was noticeably more restrained talking to them than he usually was.

Asahi’s troupe members noticed as well, joking among themselves, “Kamishiro-kun seems to be quieter today, doesn’t he? Kinda like Tenma-kun usually is and Tenma-kun is very talkative like Kamishiro-kun. Are you two perhaps trying out a new acting exercise?”

At that, Rui only awkwardly laughs, looking a bit overwhelmed.

Okay, a lot overwhelmed.

“Rui!” Tsukasa calls out. “I think we could all use some refreshments, do you mind?”

For the first time in a long while, Rui seems almost relieved to hear Tsukasa. “Ah, yes. Of course.”

He finally gets a chance to breathe when they're both standing in line for a bubble tea place. He's stood a little ways away from Tsukasa, who was going through the list of everyone's orders, but at least… the distance between them has closed a little. At least, that's what it felt like to Tsukasa.

“Tsukasa-san doesn't talk much with other people… do you? Even at school, you don't talk to your classmates too often.” 

Tsukasa blinked. It's been a while since Rui had started a conversation with him. “What are you talking about? I talk to people all the time!”

“No, I know. It's just… you don't really talk to people…” Rui trails off. “No, nevermind.”

Despite Rui not saying it, Tsukasa understood. Tsukasa talks with people, he just doesn’t talk to people in the same way… he talks to Wonderlands x Showtime. The same way he talks to Rui.

It's different; he realizes now. It's very subtly different but it's still different. Tsukasa is loud most of the time but it's only when with Wonderlands x Showtime that he feels free enough to express his real displeasure with things or to disclose his fears.

But does anybody talk with other people and also their friends the same way?

“It's getting pretty late. I think most of Asahi's troupe has gone home by now…” Tsukasa looks towards the setting sun. “Should we get a drink for Asahi too? He doesn't like sour flavors…”

“Asahi-san is alright with most sour flavors in fruit.” Rui points out. “He usually gets a mango and passionfruit blend if I'm not mistaken.”

“Oh, I see.” There's a twinge of something in Tsukasa's heart. Rui remembered Asahi's bubble tea order but could not even remember Tsukasa’s name. “I never knew that you knew him so well, Rui!”

Rui just shrugs and Tsukasa promptly drops it.

He doesn't know why exactly he's feeling like this. Perhaps it's because Tsukasa and Asahi see each other as rivals, which made Rui remembering things about Asahi hurt much more than a lot of things so far.

The thing that made their first collaboration show with Arkland so significant to Rui… had to be related to Asahi, right?

…Tsukasa doesn't know how to feel. About any of it.

…

“Tsukasa-kun, do you have a moment?” Luka calls out to him as he and Rui are making their way back.

He paused, looking from Rui, to the drinks, to Luka. Normally, Tsukasa might have declined and asked to talk later but Luka's uncharacteristically solemn expression made him pause.

“You should go. I can take these back myself.” Rui said, taking the bag Tsukasa was holding.

“Yeah… Thanks.” He can’t explain it but Tsukasa gets a bad feeling as he’s watching Rui walk away. He bites his tongue though and turns back to Luka, still with that serious expression.

“Have you been to the Sekai recently, Tsukasa-kun?” She asks as Tsukasa finds a place in the very back of backstage to talk to Luka without anyone seeing her.

“No… not since the day we took Rui to the Sekai stage and performed…” He paused. “Is something wrong?”

“Yes.” Luka doesn’t hesitate to answer. “And I’m afraid it’ll get worse.”

“Is there something wrong with the plushies?!” Tsukasa asks immediately. “Or– or is it you, Luka? You’re not sleepy at all, there must be something seriously wrong!”

“There is.” Luka nods. “Something seriously wrong with you, Tsukasa-kun.”

“...Me?” Tsukasa is almost appalled. “Shouldn’t it be Rui? Since– Since he’s the one who’s had surgery and lost all his memories…”

“It’s true that Rui-kun is also feeling some difficult things.” Luka confirms. It makes Tsukasa’s heart drop a little. “But the Sekai was not made by Rui-kun’s feelings, was it?”

He was about to respond when some voices and footsteps stopped him. Tsukasa immediately ducks to hide behind some huge props leaning on the wall, a part of his brain recognizing those footsteps as Rui’s footsteps.

He still somehow jolts when he actually hears Rui though. “Asahi-san, have you called me here to once again ask me to join Tokyo Arkland?”

“Haha, do you really think I would? I promised I wouldn't until you've graduated and I always keep my promises, Rui-kun.”

…So it was Asahi and Rui. Logically, Tsukasa knows that eavesdropping is wrong and he could theoretically get up right now and pretend he was just crouching to find something he dropped but… Asahi had asked Rui to join Tokyo Arkland? When?

“Besides, I have a feeling that even if I did, the answer would still be the same.” Asahi continued to speak. Tsukasa really wanted to peek out and see what was going on but he seemed frozen to the spot. “Looking back, I realize now that it was selfish of me to ask you to leave your troupe, especially since we had just met. I just wanted to see more of you. I wanted to see what more you could do.”

So it was during their collaboration show. Their collaboration show a whole year ago, and Rui had never said anything about it. That was… what Rui had deemed the most significant thing that had happened to him at the Wonder Stage. That.

“Tsukasa-kun…” Luka murmurs, placing a small hand on Tsukasa’s. He looks down at her small form. Did she know? Or any other of the virtual singers? How about– How about Emu or Nene? Did Rui tell them and just not Tsukasa?

“I feel like you may be similar to me, Rui-kun. That Wonderlands x Showtime… were the first people to have reached out to you.” Asahi continued. “Tsukasa-kun in particular being the one to have reached out to you, to have grabbed your hand and asked you to stay. And honestly, who wouldn't stay? Tsukasa-kun is a splendid actor. Someone who truly shines.”

Normally, when Asahi complimented him, Tsukasa would feel proud and a little embarrassed to be complimented on by an actor such as Asahi, and it’s very clear Asahi means every syllable. But Tsukasa felt sick. Like he needed to throw up and scratch all the skin off his arms and neck.

He doesn’t think he could stomach hearing any more but he still listens anyway. 

“You love them. You love him.” There’s something wistful in Asahi’s voice. “Perhaps you didn't understand it fully back then, nor you do now, but I saw it. Even though you said yes to my offer, I don't think your heart would have been fully committed to Arkland, nor would it ever fully be.”

Tsukasa blanched, pressing a hand to his mouth to keep silent. Rui had said yes.

“If I asked you to join Arkland again now… I get the feeling you still may say yes, but the answer deep in your heart will still be no. It may always be no.” Tsukasa hears Rui struggle to respond but Asahi doesn't let him. “That's alright. I understand. If I had something precious to me like that… I’d want to stay with them forever as well.”

“Well… I’m glad you understand, then.” Is Rui’s response.

Tsukasa had a prickling fear for a moment there that Rui would actually say yes to Asahi’s offer and mean it this time. He doesn’t have all of his memories, and Tsukasa may sound vain for thinking this, but without him, would Wonderlands x Showtime and all its meaning be the same for Rui?

…At the very least Tsukasa is glad that even with his memories gone, Rui was still reluctant to leave Wonderlands x Showtime. So maybe, he didn’t mean much to Rui in the first place. Maybe… that’s why Rui had forgotten him, and only him. 

Perhaps Rui truly did not hold Tsukasa as dear as he thought, and certainly not as dear as Tsukasa held Rui. Wonderlands x Showtime was dear to Rui, but he still accepted the offer. Tsukasa can’t help but think, was he really, genuinely the reason Rui had stayed like Asahi had said?

His thoughts threaten to spiral further but he grabs them and shoves them into the pit of his mind.

Rui was not his to keep. If Rui one day leaves on his own volition, that's his decision to make. And if Rui is pulled away from Tsukasa, as the result of fate or something else to further his career, then who was Tsukasa to ask him to stay?

Tsukasa tried to take as deep a breath as he quietly could. Whatever Rui decided, Tsukasa would have to learn to accept. …The surgery too. The surgery and the memory loss had been Rui’s choice too, hadn’t it?

“If Asahi-san did not call me here to talk about the offer then…?” Rui changes the subject.

“Haha, I just wanted to talk to you, Rui-kun. Is that such a crime? You were going to bring me my drink too weren't you?”

“How'd you even know we bought you a drink?” Rui asks, a hint of a smile in his tone.

“You and Tsukasa-kun are just predictable. I bet it was him who suggested buying me a drink, no? And you were the one who picked the flavor for me?”

“Yes. Mango and passionfruit. I remembered.”

He hears Asahi chuckle, “Well, I thank you both kindly, Rui-kun.”

Tsukasa seized at that, not being able to take it anymore. He surely would have made himself known to Rui and Asahi if it weren’t for Luka quickly pulling him into the Sekai.

Suddenly, Tsukasa is not crouching in a tight dark space backstage but sprawled out on his back, somewhere near the harbor. Somehow, he feels as if it was harder to breathe here than it was back in the real world.

Curling on his side, Tsukasa gasped, again and again, trying to get his lungs to work, trying to take some air in but no matter what it wasn't working. His eyes stung and he hiccupped, trying to make sense of the whole thing.

Why? Why, why, why, why why?

Why did Rui forget him?

To have Rui forget every single thing about Tsukasa but remember one of the most mundane things about Asahi… 

If he were stabbed in the chest it would hurt less than how it is right now.

Tsukasa scrabbled at his chest, clawing at his shirt. He wanted to tear his heart out of his chest. He actually manages to scratch some of his skin before hands grab his wrists, holding them tight so he could not hurt himself.

For a moment, Tsukasa hopes it may be Rui, and maybe if Rui and everything else were normal, it might have been.

But it wasn’t. It was Luka. She’s saying something but Tsukasa can’t really hear her. He tries to blink through his tears to see her better, as if that would help him hear better. Luka seemingly gives up talking and hugs Tsukasa, letting him cry on her shoulder.

Truth be told, he doesn't even know why in the world he was crying. It was so stupid, but Tsukasa couldn’t stop thinking.

How many times had Tsukasa been close to losing Rui and he didn't even know it?

Not only the Arkland offer, but Rui’s alleged illness and subsequent surgery as well. Nene had said it was Rui’s choice to have the surgery, going so far as to keep it secret from all of his friends right up until the moment he got it.

Nene has described it as Rui sacrificing memories precious to him in order to live, but did Rui know that? He had to have, right? If it was his decision to get the surgery?

Rui never does things half-heartedly, so he must have researched everything possibly could have, so he must have known about the side effects of surgery also.

A part of him registers that if Rui forgot Tsukasa that it meant that Tsukasa used to be precious to him, but the bigger part of his brain just feels betrayed that Rui had forgotten him and not Asahi’s drink order.

Everything was so confusing to him. Was he precious or not precious to Rui? Why had Rui forgotten him?

Did Rui… really choose this? To forget Tsukasa and to leave him behind?

Tsukasa shakes his head. No, Rui couldn't. He couldn't possibly, right?

He couldn’t. Rui… he couldn’t.

Tsukasa wipes his eyes, trying to convince himself of it.

“Sorry, Luka.” He sniffles, suddenly feeling the shame crash onto him. “I didn’t mean to…”

“It’s alright, Tsukasa-kun.” She pats his head. “I’m glad you got it out of your system. Either way, you’re in the Sekai now.”

“The Sekai…” Tsukasa looks around.

A gloom hung above the harbor, thick and murky. No sign of the bright sunshine or even any plushies anywhere.

In fact, the whole Sekai looked desaturated, and cold, or was that just Tsukasa?

The biggest difference in the Sekai however, was the flowers. Normally, the singing flowers would be a variety of species. From roses to sunflowers to the camellias Tsukasa's father planted in the garden when he was little. A few months ago they had all changed into asters, all red and white.

He hadn't particularly minded, the asters were nice to look at, even if Tsukasa didn't really know the reason for the change. They still sang and acted the same anyways, so perhaps they were just changing up their look for fun.

Now though, they were dead silent. No tunes, no singing at all. In fact, a few of them looked rather droopy and wilted.

He looks at Luka, “Where is everyone?"

“The plushies haven't been feeling the best lately. Miku, MEIKO and the others are trying to cheer them up but…” Luka shrugs.

“So all of this… is my fault.”

“I never said that.” Luka shakes her head. “It's not entirely your fault, anyhow.”

“It's mostly my fault, then.”

“I never said that either.”

Tsukasa could almost laugh even though nothing was funny. He buries his face in his hands to try and stop another slew of tears from coming. “What are you saying then, Luka?”

“What I am saying,” Luka starts, “is that it's okay to feel what you're feeling. And when you suffer, please remember you are not suffering alone.”

“There isn't an easy solution to any of this.” She looks up at the sky, “But I and everyone would much rather you find out the truth of this whole thing, than anything else.”

“I'm sorry.” Tsukasa chokes out.

“You have nothing to be sorry for, Tsukasa-kun.” Luka rests her head on his shoulder while rubbing circles on his back. “Take as much time as you need.”

Tsukasa would argue he has the most to be sorry for. He's sorry for making the Sekai like this, he's sorry for crying on her dress, he’s sorry for eavesdropping on Asahi and Rui in a conversation about a job offer he had no freaking clue about.

Everything was so confusing. He just wants everything to be fixed and to go back to normal. But he doesn't want to be the one to fix it. It was all so overwhelming. He doesn’t know what to do— what he could even do.

What can he do…?

“Tsukasa-kun,” comes Luka's soft voice, “you don’t need anyone’s permission to cry.”

Tsukasa can't hold back anymore and so he cries.

…

Emu must have sensed something was off about Tsukasa, if the rubbed-raw eyes and stuffed nose didn't already give him away, since she clung to him as soon as he went back to their little group. 

Even now, Emu chooses to sit on Tsukasa's left side on the train home instead of normally sitting next to Rui so they could talk about things only they could understand.

Nene had fallen asleep on Emu's shoulder pretty soon after they boarded and Emu was currently too focused scrolling through something on her phone to pay attention to anything else, leaving Tsukasa and Rui to sit in relative silence.

“Tsukasa-san,” Rui calls him from his right. Tsukasa jolts a bit. “...were you crying?”

“Ah-! Ahem. Just a little.” He admitted. There's no use lying, was there? Anybody with eyes could see that he had been crying, even though Tsukasa had tried to make himself look as presentable as possible before leaving the Sekai.

Rui tilts his head. Even if he did not remember Tsukasa, everything he did was still the same. He could see the question in his eyes even if Rui didn't say it out loud. “Was it because of me?”

“Luka… Luka and I had a little chat about the Sekai… and I ended up thinking back on a story I used to read a lot to my younger sister.” He lies through his teeth. Rui is still looking at him, expectantly, Tsukasa continues. “The Snow Queen? I always found it touching that Gerda fought so hard to get Kay back. When she thought he died she mourned for months and when she found out he was alive she searched for even longer. I mean… that was her best friend, you know? Before everything else.”

“The Snow Queen…” Rui nods in understanding. “It is a rather touching tale.”

Tsukasa smiles. This part of Rui was still the same.

“Do you not… find it embarrassing to cry over small things like that, Tsukasa-san?”

Tsukasa’s smile immediately drops, Rui would never say that, especially not to a friend who places great importance in his family and theater like Tsukasa—

But… he is not a friend to Rui anymore. And Tsukasa knows that Rui himself has a habit of spilling tears (although, most of the time, fake) over even smaller things than this. Perhaps Rui was just truly surprised that Tsukasa would cry over small things. Surprised that Tsukasa would admit out loud that he had cried at all.

Yet again, he’s reminded of just how much Rui has forgotten him.

“The opposite, actually! Crying just means that you are letting your true emotions out!”

“I see.” Rui sits up straighter, serious. It still bothered him, Tsukasa could tell. “...Could I ask you something? Please respond truthfully.”

“Ah…” Tsukasa sits up as well, trying to brace himself for whatever Rui might ask.

“Tsukasa-san. If I don't remember anything about you, and I stay clueless like this forever, what happens then?”

Tsukasa's face scrunches, confused. “What do you mean what happens then?”

“The reason you’re putting yourself through this is because you want me to remember you, but what if that doesn’t happen? If I stay like this, different from the Rui who was friends with you, would you be able to accept me as I am?”

In truth, Tsukasa doesn’t know. It’s true that he wants the old Rui back, but if Rui really is like this forever, he fails to see that there’d be anything he could actually do about it.

“...You’re still Rui.” Tsukasa says, and it’s the truth. Rui is still Rui– he’s just not Rui who is friends with Tsukasa. But still, he is still Rui. “You’re Rui in every way that matters. Even if you don’t recognize me and treat me different, I can still see you’re the same as before.”

“You’re still the Rui I was friends with– even if we’re not really friends anymore. You’re still the Rui I'd chase to America and beyond. Still the Rui that I… admire. Because… you were my friend.”

“No matter how much you get me in trouble or how much you accidentally nick me with your loose screws, I'll stay. Because that's what friends do. And you're my very best friend. No matter if you remember or not, I still want to be your friend.” Tsukasa looks at Rui, “Is that okay?”

“Even if I am not the same as before, you won’t leave?”

“The only way you could ever get me to leave is if you say that you don't want me by your side outright.” Tsukasa huffs a laugh. “I won’t leave.”

I wouldn’t be able to bear it.

Rui smiles as well, warmer than the one he gives to strangers. It makes Tsukasa feel warm as well. He really wants to reach out and squeeze Rui’s hand but he’s sure that would startle him off. 

“You certainly have a way with words, Tsukasa-san.”

“I’ve been told.” Tsukasa yawns. The mental exhaustion of the day must be catching up to him.

“Tsukasa-san, if you’re tired, you should sleep.” Rui looks to the train map and then to Nene and Emu on Tsukasa’s other side. “I’ll be sure to wake you and Nene up when our stop comes.”

Tsukasa wants to refuse, but he was honestly too tired to. He wants out from this train car and away from Rui– at least for now— just so he could have some space to think. Currently, sleeping seemed to be the closest thing he had to that.

“If you don’t mind, Rui!” He normally wouldn’t hesitate to rest his head on Rui’s shoulder to sleep, but none of this was normal and it was killing him. Tsukasa leans back on his seat instead, trying to fall asleep as quickly as he could to escape, even if it was just for a moment.

Tsukasa hadn’t exactly lied earlier; he fully believed that Rui was the same as he was before… everything. And he would still want to be Rui’s friend, to be by his side. However, he can’t guarantee that he wouldn’t be… hurt to say the least.

Even now, there was a weight on Tsukasa’s chest just being around Rui. One he didn’t want there at all. He wonders, if this whole thing were to keep growing, would this weight just become heavier and heavier?

Perhaps he heard Rui’s question completely wrong, and it wasn’t, “Tsukasa, if I don't remember anything about you forever, what happens then?” but rather, “Tsukasa, if I do forget you for good, would you really be able to handle it?”

Tsukasa knows he would always be able to accept Rui as he is, no matter how he is. He’s Rui after all. As for if he’d be able to manage… Tsukasa doesn’t know.

~

He feels dizzy.

Tsukasa realizes he's in front of some hospital’s long-term inpatient room. It can't be Saki’s, hers had several bright stickers on it, her name in cheerful writing and clumsily folded origami cranes hanging from the knob. This door… was blank. Almost painfully so.

It's either the patient was new to their hospital stay… or there was no use putting up decorations on the door.

If he looked to either side of him, Tsukasa would find that he was in a long hallway with no end. Theoretically, he could walk away to try to find and open another door, but he stays rooted to this one. He doesn't want to be anywhere else, just here.

His hand trembles as he reaches for the knob, whoever's inside, he knows he won't like it.

White light blinds him for a moment as he steps into the room, he's met with the slightly metallic, tangy smell of blood and something slightly earthy. And Rui.

It's Rui that's sitting on the hospital bed.

Despite sort of expecting it, Tsukasa is still surprised. Maybe more by the state of Rui than the fact he was here. He has on plain hospital provided pyjamas, with his hair slightly mussed as if he were just sleeping.

There's an IV full of saline by his bed, along with a trashcan and a plethora of medicine on the table near his bed. To top it off, he was wearing a nasal cannula to help him breathe.

It's strikingly realistic. Tsukasa grips the doorframe to keep his legs from wobbling.

He doesn't think he's made a noise, but Rui seems to have noticed him regardless.

“Tsukasa-kun.” Rui greeted him with a slight smile on his face, relieved and pained at the same time. “You’re here. I’m so glad you’re here.”

Tsukasa wanted to cry. It’s been too long, two months almost, since he’s heard Rui greet him so warmly, call him ‘Tsukasa-kun’ and smile at him so impossibly fondly and Rui-like.

“Rui.” Comes his choked reply. He almost trips and falls in his desperation to get to Rui’s bed, but he manages anyway, gripping Rui’s cold hands in his as he kneels by his bedside. “Rui… you… I…”

“I know.” Rui places a hand on top of Tsukasa’s head, rubbing it a little. “It’s not pleasant seeing me like this, right? It probably reminds you of when you were little.”

Tsukasa shakes his head, pressing a kiss to the hand he was still holding. Maybe it was a little unpleasant for him but Saki was the one actually suffering through it. Saki was the one who had to endure treatment after treatment, so much frustration and pain, that whatever Tsukasa felt, it could never be compared. “It doesn’t matter.” He says, “You’re the one… in pain.”

He's aware of the tears welling in his eyes, trying his best to blink them back. To his surprise, gentle, cool hands came up to cup his face and wipe the tears away.

It's gentle in the way he remembered. Would the Rui now ever treat him so gently?

“Seeing you cry for me… makes me so happy. Tsukasa-kun, you have no idea.” Tsukasa raises his head, seeing that Rui was smiling. “I’m so happy that you would mourn me… that you would grieve for me.”

“What other option is there?!” He shouts, appalled that Rui would think he'd do anything other than mourn Rui til the end of time. “You’re dying, you're laying in this stupid hospital and you're… and you…!”

“You forgot me.” Tsukasa breathes like it was a sin to even think. “I'm the one that's… dead to you.”

Rui doesn't respond, leaving Tsukasa to finally feel angry about everything. This was all so absurd and he was sick of it.

“You’re my friend, you’re my best friend! What other option do I have if I don't mourn you?!” He sobs, hitting the mattress with his free hand, the other gripping the end of Rui's shirt. “I don't want you to leave Wonderlands x Showtime, I don't want you to leave me. I don’t want you to die. I don't want you to forget me… I don't want you to look at me like I'm a stranger to you!”

“Just stay alive and be healthy. Stay with me forever. Stay my closest friend. Stay by my side, Rui, please.” He begs into Rui's lap, even though most of these things Rui can't really control.

“I want to stay by your side too, Tsukasa-kun.” Rui strokes his hair before hugging him tightly so Tsukasa's head is pressed against his stomach. Faintly, he hears fluttering and rustling, seeming coming from inside Rui. “I want to stay by your side as long as possible. I hope you can forgive me for being selfish.”

Tsukasa shakes his head, surely spreading snot all over Rui's pyjamas but he can't find it in him to care. He does pull away when Rui starts coughing though, a rough, wet and violent thing.

He hacks and gags until he finally spits out what was blocking his throat; two aster flowers, one red and one white. Both covered in mucus and blood.

They fall into his lap, right in front of Tsukasa.

Rui heaves, laughing hysterically, close to tears while Tsukasa just sits there and trembles. 

What in the world?

“Rui…” He wants to reach out, grab Rui's arms, demand him to tell Tsukasa what was going on what he can do to fix everything—

But damn it, he can't stop shaking. He can't get himself to move.

“Tsukasa-kun, I'm sorry.” Rui wipes his mouth of the blood and stray petals. “I've really made such a mess.”

~

There's a hesitant touch on his arm.

Tsukasa wakes up with a jolt, flinching away from it so hard that he almost slid across the train car and hit the seats on the other side.

“Tsukasa-san…” 

Tsukasa rubs his eyes, looking up at Rui, still sitting on the train seats. He was just about to wake him up as promised.

Going from dream Rui, who treated him with such warmth and tenderness, to this Rui, who hesitates to even ask if he was alright, was jarring.

For a brief, horrible moment, Tsukasa selfishly wished that Rui had died.

If Rui had died, he wouldn’t have to witness firsthand how it’d be if they had never become friends. Despite him still remembering Emu and Nene and the Sekai as a whole, Rui doesn’t seem as enthusiastic as he did. He hasn’t been causing trouble or suggesting his weird ideas– not even bringing his inventions to school to work on them anymore.

Despite him having the same values as before, it seems as if the way Rui conducted himself is more subdued. Seeing Rui like this was worse than if he had died.

In the very back of his mind, Tsukasa wishes Rui did to spare him from this.

He instantly reels at the thought. How could he ever think that?

He feels awful immediately. Seriously, how selfish could he be? 

The fact that Rui got sick to the point of needing this surgery was not his fault at all. And Tsukasa definitely shouldn’t wish Rui had died just because he wasn’t used to seeing Rui act this way. That wasn’t— It doesn’t matter if it makes Tsukasa feel whatever he does. As long as Rui was healthy and alive that was all that mattered, wasn’t it?

Tsukasa feels nauseous. He’s horrible. Honestly just horrible. 

“I– I’m sorry, Rui.” He tries to breathe through his disgust with himself. “I had a little nightmare. I didn’t mean to… to scare you.”

“I see…” It’s obvious that Rui didn’t believe him.

“Tsukasa.” Nene offers a hand to help him up. Tsukasa hastily takes it, seeking for any sense of comfort even though he doesn’t deserve it. She squeezes his hand tight.

Are you okay? It asks.

Tsukasa swallowed, shaking his head. She squeezes his hand again, more comforting, and pats it with the other.

When they step off of the train, Tsukasa is still holding onto Nene’s sleeve. He fears if he doesn’t, his knees might give out and he’ll fall into a heap on the station floor.

The air was tense and suffocating. Tsukasa really feels as if he was suffocating; like his ears were plugged and his throat was closed up.

“My older brother sent a car for us so I can drive you guys home.” Emu breaks the silence.

“No need!” Tsukasa tried his best to seem the same as always, letting go of Nene’s sleeve and trying his best to suppress the tremble in his legs. “My mother needs me to run a few errands for her.”

“At this hour?” Nene glanced up at the nearly set sun.

“There’s a grocery store near here with a brand of snacks that Saki and my dad like so…” He tried to make up a believable excuse. He just needed to get away. Anywhere, it didn't matter. He just needed to get away from here. Get away from them. “My mom asked me to pick some up with a few other things for Toya and Kanade too.”

Emu and Nene glance at each other, that same glance that Tsukasa’s parents had shared at the dinner table almost three weeks ago now. Tsukasa doesn't know whether he wanted to laugh or to cry.

“If you’re sure, Tsukasa-kun…”

“I am.” Tsukasa waves them off. “Have a safe trip home, you three!”

He keeps waving until they all leave. Only then, does Tsukasa let himself sink down onto a bench, sagging under the weight of everything and nothing at the same time. He wanted to throw up, but what gave him the right?

…He’s so pathetic.

-

Tsukasa spends the next week at school avoiding Rui as much as possible, trying to minimize contact. Every time he looked at him, or even thought of him, guilt would crash over Tsukasa and sweep him out to sea, somewhere far, far away.

He still couldn’t believe that he would think such a thing. He's never… even with Saki’s illness since he was young, he's never, not once, wished she'd die so it would be easier for him. The thought was terrifying; wishing death onto someone just because it'd be more convenient.

He fears what other awful things he may think about Rui, so he stays away.

Tsukasa ducks from the window as soon as he sees that Nene and Rui were speaking in the courtyard. The chances of them seeing him were slim but they weren't exactly zero.

And… If he tells Nene or Emu about these thoughts of his, he fears what they would think about him…

Tsukasa pulled himself from his thoughts, crouching beneath some stairs so he wouldn't be noticed. Tsukasa… he really wanted to just curl up in a shell or hole and stay there until all these confusing thoughts about Rui disappear.

“Tsukasa-kunnn…” A familiar voice whines from his pocket.

Tsukasa takes his phone out, running more on muscle memory than anything else. He didn't want to speak to anyone, he didn't have the courage to show anyone this ugly side of him.

He almost drops his phone once he realizes he pulled it out. It was already too late though, Len was standing there with his arms crossed and huffing.

“Why are you hiding?” He pointed an accusing finger at Tsukasa. He couldn't even find it in him to deny it; Tsukasa was hiding. He was hiding and a damn coward.

“Didn’t you say you were gonna save Rui-kun? That you’d get him to remember?! Are you quitting now?!” Len stamps a foot into the ground. Against his better judgment, Tsukasa starts to laugh, almost manic. When he was a kid he sometimes acted like Len too.

Len, on the other hand, looks completely appalled by Tsukasa’s hysterical laughter. “Wh– This isn’t a laughing matter Tsukasa-kun! You promised to help Rui-kun, but you’re laughing instead! What part of this is funny?!”

Tsumasa tries his best to say something even as he’s struggling to breathe from the force of his laughs, but all that comes out is an intelligible murmur.

Len caught that he was trying to say something though. Was it because he was made out of Tsukasa’s feelings and was a part of him? But Tsukasa couldn’t understand himself— he could hardly understand anything anymore.

Maybe it was whatever lingered of Rui’s feelings in him that led Len to understand Tsukasa like this. Tsukasa had hoped that was the case, that Rui did understand Tsukasa like Tsukasa still understood Rui, even if he doesn’t anymore. The proof that Len does was proof that Rui did at one point.

“Nothing…” Tsukasa manages out as his gasps for breath turn into heaving sobs. He’s sure he looks like a mess right now, with snot and tears running down his face. Tsukasa can’t even find the strength to wipe them. “Nothing about this is funny at all.”

Tsukasa may hate himself. He charged headfirst into saying he would get Rui to remember, but here he was now, unable to face him. He wanted to get Rui to remember him again, without really knowing why or having a solid reason to want it so bad. 

“Len, I’m horrible.” Tsukasa couldn’t control his breathing, like he was drowning, but there was nothing to be drowning in, why was he drowning? “I’m really… a horrible, awful person. I wished Rui had died, how could I ever think that?”

He only catches a glimpse of Len’s expression through his tears but Tsukasa thinks he's seen enough for a lifetime. 

Len looks shocked, maybe even disgusted, and betrayed. Tsukasa really wanted to chuck his phone away so he didn't need to see that face.

It takes a while before Len speaks up again, the silence filled with Tsukasa's gasps for breath. “...You’re not horrible, Tsukasa-kun.”

“Len…”

“And you’re not horrible for thinking that.”

Tsukasa shook his head. “You don't have to lie to comfort me…”

“I'm not lying!” Len exclaimed, offended at the very suggestion. “You’re frustrated, and you’re hurt. Of course you'd think something like that, the important thing is that you don't really mean it!”

“Don’t I?”

“You don't. I know you, Tsukasa-kun, of course you don't.” Len insisted. “It was unfair of Rui-kun to— to just show up with all his memories of you gone. For him to not tell you or Nene-chan or Emu-chan anything that was going on… It was completely unfair of him. Of course you'd be hurt.”

“Don’t I only have myself to blame? He never asked me… He never asked me to do this.” Tsukasa swallowed. “...To try and get back his memories of him. I only hurt myself for forcing myself to do this, and I don’t want to hurt Rui if I’m angry at him. Especially not like this.”

That in particular sets Len off. “Tsukasa-kun, aren’t you stubborn?! Why are you giving up so easily now when you never have before?!”

“Rui-kun never asked you to get him to rejoin Wonderlands x Showtime but you did anyway! He never asked you to be his friend outside of work but you did despite knowing that Rui-kun would probably ask you to test his inventions and get you both in trouble! Rui-kun never asked to be changed, but meeting you did anyway! Rui-kun has become happy and surrounded by friends, opportunities and people that see the talent in him because you’re the one who allowed him to take the step— and he never, not once asked that of you!” Len is shouting so loud that Tsukasa worries for a moment that someone could actually hear him.

“Tsukasa-kun, I think you may be the most precious person ever, in Rui-kun’s eyes.” Len’s small hands come to tightly grip one of Tsukasa’s fingers. “Maybe he knew that, maybe he didn’t, but he gave up his precious memories to stay alive, didn’t he? And even if he wouldn’t have his precious memories when he woke up, do you think, Rui-kun doubted for a second that you and the rest of Wonderlands x Showtime wouldn’t be waiting for him?”

He was just a hologram but Len’s grip on Tsukasa’s finger felt real and comforting. “I’m sure a part of Rui-kun had already suspected you would try and get his memories back. Maybe that's part of the reason he went with the surgery in the first place. Don’t you think so too?”

Tsukasa wiped his face. Rui gave up his memories to stay alive. He wanted to stay alive to stay with Wonderlands x Showtime. He wanted to stay alive to stay with me. It’s silly and stupid and way too hopeful, but Tsukasa felt so much joy well up in him for the first time in a long time he felt like throwing up because of the rush. 

He doesn’t want to hope too much in case Len was wrong about it all, but he lets himself believe for a second that Rui really was counting on Tsukasa to get his memories back; or at least he gave up his precious memories because he wanted to stay with Wonderlands x Showtime a little longer.

“Len… Thank you. I’m going to give it my all!” Tsukasa pumped up a fist, Len coping the same motion with a grin. 

“Oh! That reminds me, I was talking to MEIKO and KAITO the other day and they told me about what you and the others were doing to jog Rui-kun’s memory, but he didn’t exactly forget the Sekai or Wonderlands x Showtime, he only forgot you, is that right?” He asks and Tsukasa nods, “If you’re trying to get Rui-kun to remember you and the bond you two had, why don’t you try a place that’s precious only for the both of you?”

“That’s smart! But a place that’s precious to us both…” Tsukasa thought hard about it. Come to think of it, he couldn’t really say anywhere was precious to Rui and Tsukasa with it also being precious to Emu and Nene as well. Some of Tsukasa’s most cherished memories were with Wonderlands x Showtime all together.

Like the time they had all cried by the Wonder Stage with Emu, or them having completed the show that made them Phoenix Wonderland’s ambassadors. Even the train ride back from their collaboration show with Tokyo Arkland, the talk Rui and Tsukasa shared on the train about their futures, it only happened because Wonderlands x Showtime had that opportunity with Tokyo Arkland.

A place where Rui and Tsukasa could both call precious… A place that was important to just the two of them…

The sound of rushing water and the fresh air of early morning washed over Tsukasa for a moment as he finally breathed.

Oh. That place!

“I take it that you’ve figured it out, Tsukasa-kun?”

“Yes! Thank you Len! I really owe you one– Ouch!” Tsukasa was in such a rush to find Rui he forgot he had been crouching under the stairs.

“There you are.” He hears a voice in front of him. There stood Nene, looking none too impressed with him. “You know how long we’ve been looking for you?”

‘We’ Tsukasa looked behind Nene to see Rui standing there behind her, him trying his best to not laugh even though Tsukasa was sure he looked hilarious, crouching under the stairs while holding his head. At least he could play off his teary eyes this way.

Tsukasa instantly shoots up, just barely avoiding bumping his head again in the process. “Rui! Are you busy this weekend?”

“Hm? Me? Why all of a sudden?”

“Let's take a day trip! I wanna try something– I was talking to Len and—- I’ll get you to remember me this time for sure!”

“That’s great and all… but where exactly are you dragging him?” Nene hands Tsukasa’s phone back to him, nodding at Len as she did. Oh, he must have dropped his phone. At least it wasn’t cracked.

“Kyoto!”

Nene makes a face at that. “You're going all the way out there?”

“If it’s okay with you, Rui!” Tsukasa reached out and squeezed his hands without thinking. “We’re not going to be able to do exactly what we did on our school trip last year… but I’m taking Len’s advice and taking you to a location that was special to us two and only us two.”

“And that place is in Kyoto?” Honestly, the slightly judgemental but mostly smug look on Nene’s face was kind of irritating him.

“Precisely!” Tsukasa grins, “What do you say, Rui?”

Rui is quiet for a moment before he smiles, very slightly and hesitant. “Why not? Let’s give it a shot since you’re so eager, Tsukasa-san.”

At last, Tsukasa squeezed Rui’s hands one more time, too excited to catch the smile on Rui’s face.

-

“I’m sorry…” Tsukasa sighs.

Rui chuckles from beside him on the bus. The bus they’d have to ride for seven hours just to get to Kyoto.

“I forgot how expensive bullet train tickets were! Honestly… and to think I thought it was just gonna be a day trip…” He sighs.

“When I heard that from you, I did think it was rather silly that you thought that a trip to Kyoto was just going to be a day trip.”

Tsukasa almost acted on memory and slapped Rui’s arm but he held himself back. “Still… thanks for coming. I’m kind of surprised you still agreed.”

“My mother was hesitant at first but got excited when she heard that I was going with you.” He explained. “We must’ve… been really good friends if my mom knew about and liked you, Tsukasa-san.”

“...We were.” Tsukasa looked out the window. An awkward silence settled over them.

“Can you tell me about us? How we used to get along and everything…” Rui fiddled with the hem of his shirt. “I know you’ve said we got into all sorts of trouble together… but I didn’t exactly believe you.”

“I know… you looked at me like I was crazy.” Tsukasa shudders just thinking how Rui looked at him when he first came back to school, so cold and untrusting.

“I apologize for that, truly.” Rui bowed his head. “I’m willing to finally listen… if you're willing…”

“Ah– of course I am willing!” Tsukasa sits up straighter in his seat. “You wanna know how we used to get along? What else? What our class did for the culture festival? How about the first time we had a sleepover with the rest of Wonderlands x Showtime at Emu’s? Or maybe—”

Tsukasa kept on rambling, diligently answering all of Rui's questions as much as he could. It was only near two in the afternoon that Tsukasa felt hungry enough to remember he packed lunch for them both.

“Here.” He handed a wrapped bento to Rui, trying to dig the other out of his bag. “Check if that one has any veggies in it. If it doesn't then it's yours.”

“My, you went as far as to not include any vegetables for me?” Rui asks as he opens the bento up. All in all, the bentos were rather simple, just rice with tamagoyaki, sausages cut into octopus shapes and leftover ginger pork from Tsukasa's family dinner last night.

Tsukasa sits back up properly in his seat, taking the bento back from Rui. Ah, this one was his, with beansprouts, broccoli and carrots on the side. He had seriously considered sneaking some corn inside the tamagoyaki or mixing the ginger pork with fried onions to get Rui to eat some vegetables for once. He tells him as such when Rui unwrapped his bento to see no vegetables as promised.

“When we're done I packed some mochi and fruit salad for something sweet. No melons like you like it.”

“Tsukasa-san really did think of everything.” Rui checks under the pork to see if there were any hidden vegetables.

“Well, yeah. I'm used to you and your weird taste in food by now.” Tsukasa shrugged.

“Did you make me lunch often?”

“Sort of? Back in our second year, I remember that your mom, I think, packed you lunch most days and others you'd buy something from the school store. Either way you'd still push all your vegetables to me and then insist on having a bite or two from my lunch.” Tsukasa smiles as he remembers their first year together. Maybe he gives in to Rui a bit too easily sometimes. “Eventually I got fed up by it and told your mom to not worry about your lunch anymore ‘cause I’d take care of it.”

Rui raises his eyebrows in surprise. “And she actually let you?”

“I insisted! Besides, I've gotten you to eat some vegetables at least, so I don't need to worry about you collapsing from lack of nutrition.”

“I see.” Rui takes a bite out of his lunch, seeming surprisingly delighted at the taste. That’s good. At least Tsukasa knows that Rui’s tastebuds haven’t changed. “I'm sorry for making more trouble for you.”

“Oh, no. I didn't and still don't mind. It's nice actually. To take care of someone, you know?”

Rui pokes at the octopus sausages in his bento, “Mm… Thank you for taking such good care of me then.”

“It’s no big deal, really!” Tsukasa smiled at him. “I wanted to do it. I wanted… to make sure you were healthy and all.”

Truth was, Tsukasa wanted Rui to be as happy and well taken care of as possible. The scene felt oddly domestic, with them eating the lunch that Tsukasa made, side by side.

It’s not the first time he had thought this but it was certainly the longest he had lingered on it.

He thinks he could be happy spending every day like this. If Tsukasa could stay by Rui’s side… Maybe if he could sit a bit closer, to have his side pressed up against Rui’s like it used to be, then…

Tsukasa hastily shovels some broccoli in his mouth to keep himself from thinking too much about it, making Rui nearly drop his bento in the process.

…

The sun was starting to set by the time they got off the bus. Tsukasa had them drop off their luggage at their hotel room before he couldn’t wait any longer and dragged Rui out to the place he’s been itching to go since he thought of it.

“Here we are! Kamo River!” Tsukasa spread his arms out wide, marveling at the familiar sight. The cherry trees were in season, on the count of it being early April. It’s a different scene from when they came here last year; sunset instead of sunrise and cherry blossoms dancing in the cool evening wind. But despite it all, it was still familiar.

“Is this… not a popular couple’s location?” Rui looked around, squinting due to the sunlight bouncing off the river. “A place that’s precious to the both of us…”

“Well, it’s not exactly just the river but the whole of our trip to Kyoto.” Tsukasa explained, picking a few pebbles from the river bank. “I’m not sure how much to remember… You remember Miyake, Hayashi and Taniyama at the very least, so that’s good.”

“Yes, I’ve been speaking to them a lot during our lunch break.” Rui says as he takes the pebbles Tsukasa hands him. It’s clearly a jab at Tsukasa, about him avoiding Rui at school but Tsukasa pretends not to notice. 

“Yeah, we had a lot of fun with them here. With Airi Momoi, Shizuku and Asahina-san as well.” Tsukasa throws a pebble with a little too much force. It only skips once before it sinks. “Kyoto… was where I felt connected to you, truly connected to you, like I hadn’t for anyone else before.”

“It was during that school trip that you told me, it was because of me that you have changed so much, come to understand the joy of being with friends and laughing alongside others, cherishing memories. Swallowing the good memories along with the bad. You thanked me for it.” Tsukasa tries again, this time getting the pebble to skip three times.

“Is that so…”

“And I told you that it was you, who wanted to change in the first place, that allowed it to happen. So you didn’t need to thank me at all.” Tsukasa stared at the river’s rushing water. The scene was so similar to the one back then. If he closed his eyes, he could still hear his and Rui’s laughter and the faint sound of rocks skipping across the water. “...That was the part that stuck with me most.”

He turns to see Rui still staring at the two pebbles Tsukasa handed him. One brown and smooth, perfect for rock skipping, the other blue and spotted, chipped a bit with a crackling effect.

“Does any of that… sound familiar to you, Rui?”

“None of it…” Rui murmured, turning the stones in his hand “None of it exactly sounds familiar…”

Tsukasa drooped.

“It all…” Rui looks up at the sky, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. “It all feels familiar though. This place by the river… and the inn we passed on our way here. The posters of yokai as well.”

He exhales, looking down at Tsukasa with this face. It’s not exactly soft like he’s used to, but it’s fond, a little pinched. Bittersweet, like he’s sorry. “You…. feel familiar, Tsukasa-san.”

It takes Tsukasa a minute to react, it could’ve been anywhere from a few seconds to an actual minute, he was just so caught up looking at this unfamiliar face of Rui’s. It was still a bit cold, like the look he gave him when he came back to school but it wasn’t nearly as unfriendly as before.

“Mmfghh!” Was the strangled sound that came out. It wasn’t even all that cold but Tsukasa could almost feel the steam coming out from his ears. Unable to take it anymore, he harshly bumps his head into Rui’s shoulder, hiding his face from him.

He pokes Rui’s arm, still hiding. “Hug me.” He orders in a weak voice.

“Eh..?”

“Indulge me, just this once. I’m always indulging you.” Tsukasa finds the strength to lift up his arms and tightly grip the back of Rui’s shirt. “Hug me.”

Obediently, Rui hugs him back. Perhaps he felt that it was best to not ask questions right now, with Tsukasa acting so out of character. 

Tsukasa is sure he’s blushing. His heart was racing so fast he’s terrified that Rui will feel it and think him weird. How can anyone be normal after hearing that though? “You feel familiar.” It makes Tsukasa feel so happy and so upset at the same time.

He’s happy that he’s familiar to Rui, but he doesn’t want familiar. He wants Rui to remember him. Why won’t Rui remember him?!

…It hurts. It really hurts that Rui forgot him. He knows that Rui wanted to stay with Wonderlands x Showtime longer, he wanted to stay with Tsukasa longer, and he knows that if Rui forgot him, along with his precious memories, then it means that Tsukasa is— was precious to him.

But goddamn, it hurts. 

Being left alone to shoulder this past of theirs, all those times, both happy and sad. All the little ways they’ve grown and changed since they’ve met and became friends. The best of friends even. The little ways that Tsukasa and Rui were supposed to know each other, things that were meant to be shared between just them two… It’s all only Tsukasa’s now.

To think that Rui had truly lost those memories Tsukasa holds dear… that Rui held dear… He gets Nene now. Tsukasa doesn’t know if he could have made the same choice. 

Tsukasa lifts his chin up enough to rest it on Rui’s shoulder. He wants to get angry. He wants to grab Rui by the arms and shake him until his brain falls back into place, but doing that would solve nothing so he just grips tighter.

If he could transfer everything he’s feeling to Rui through this hug, all their memories and the weight of just how dear Rui is to Tsukasa…

He wonders what Rui is thinking right now. He doesn’t seem exactly bothered by the hug but Tsukasa can feel the tiniest bit of guilt deep in Rui’s bones.

It almost makes him want to laugh. Rui is still considerate enough towards him to feel guilty about the whole thing, even though it wasn’t exactly his fault at all. 

Tsukasa presses his nose to the side of Rui’s neck. He smells different. He still smells like Rui, it was just buried under the smell of medicine, and something a bit sweeter, like flowers. Rui was still Rui, but he wasn’t at the same time. What a confusing, contradictory statement.

Despite it all, hugging Rui like this was comforting. For a brief moment, he feels safe. He wishes that maybe they could stay like this forever. Tsukasa could forget that Rui forgot and it’d just be them two, here by Kamo River until the end of time and even a bit more after that.

“...Tsukasa-san,” Rui finally says. He doesn’t pull away though, even when Tsukasa loosened his grip enough for him to do so if he wished. “...did we hug often?”

For a moment Tsukasa grips the back of Rui’s shirt so hard he felt it might rip, but let go just as quickly. He gave a bitter smile as he answered, “No. Not at all. We should've though.”

“Tell you what,” Tsukasa pulls away. Not too much, he was still holding Rui’s arms and Rui’s hands still rested on his back. “from now on, you can ask for a hug from me whenever you want! I'll give it to you no matter what, that's a promise! Okay?”

Rui nods, seemingly studying Tsukasa’s face. “Alright. The same goes for you then. It's only fair.”

Tsukasa smiles, trying his best to not make it seem sullen or sour in any way. He’s never going to ask for a hug from Rui, at least not now. If he does, Tsukasa fears he may end up asking Rui to hold him forever.

It’s silly, they never hugged much in the first place, but… everything was so mixed up in Tsukasa’s head right now. Hugging Rui like that, gave him a sense of familiarity, or maybe it was him just being happy he was so close to Rui.

Because Rui was safe. A safe person to feel things around. A person who accepted him, no matter how he was.

…He was safe.

When they pull apart, they just watch the river in silence, side by side. As subtly as he can, Tsukasa steps a bit further from Rui.

-

Tsukasa’s been avoiding Rui again.

It’s not on purpose, he just… doesn’t know how to face Rui anymore. He’s slowly learning to accept that Rui would most likely stay like this forever.

And that’s… good. Really. Tsukasa would rather have Rui alive than dead.

The thing is though, he isn’t exactly handling it all too well. To want the best for someone, even when that ‘best’ doesn’t involve you is one thing but actually living through it is a whole other. 

“Onii-chan.”

Tsukasa jolts out of his trance at Saki's voice. He just noticed that he's been standing in front of his mirror for quite a while now. 

He shakes his head, turning to see Saki, dressed in her school uniform with her backpack in hand, watching him from the doorway.

“Do you have time to walk your little sister to school?” She asks. She has this look on her, one that seems a little pitying. 

“Ah…” Tsukasa looks over the railing, at the empty house. Toya must have left without him. “Sure.”

He doesn't exactly know if he has the time to make it to Miyamasuzaka then to Kamiyama without flaking out of his disciplinary committee duties, but Tsukasa really can't find it in him to care.

It's not like he's been on morning uniform inspection in a while anyway, he's stopped doing around the time Rui came back. He really dreaded seeing that blue cardigan.

“Onii-chan, you’ve been really quiet recently.” Saki’s arm is looped through his as they walk along the way to Miyamasuzaka. Honestly it was a closer walk to Miyajo than to Kamikou. Tsukasa preferred it this way, Saki could still have that ‘teenage experience’ of walking to school with her friends. “Is this related to Rui-san?”

“Rui?” Tsukasa repeats. Saki squeezed his arm tight, as if scared he'll bolt. “I…”

He doesn't answer. He doesn’t know how. It’d be impossible to talk about everything with Rui without getting into… things like mortality and surgery and the fleetingness of it all. Every time Tsukasa looks at Saki, he wants to talk about literally anything else cause that was what he’s always forced himself to do, even if no one asked that of him.

His younger sister is not that fragile. Saki can handle topics like dying and illness. It’s Tsukasa who’s the weak one. It’s Tsukasa who can’t.

Saki stares at him like she’s looking right through him. It was honestly a bit unnerving but Tsukasa tries his very best to keep a steady pace, but she sees anyway. Saki was smart like that.

“When I was sick and in the hospital a lot… it was hard on you, wasn't it?” She asks him.

Tsukasa opens his mouth but Saki stops him before he could get a word out. “And don’t say ‘it doesn't matter ‘cause I was suffering more’ or anything like that! Suffering is still suffering, and you were worried about me all the time back then, right? That’s why… That’s why you have trouble with these kinds of things.”

He doesn’t exactly know what ‘these kinds of things’ Saki meant, maybe hospitals, the possibility of someone getting sick and dying or his stubborn refusal to burden anyone with his feelings. Any of them would be correct anyhow. 

“I don’t… I just…” Tsukasa couldn’t defend himself.

“You don’t have to talk to me about it if you don’t want to.” Saki squeezes his arm. “But I think you should talk about it to somebody. You can’t run away from your feelings forever, and the longer you try to avoid them, it’ll hurt all the more when there’s nowhere else for you to go but straight on, you know?”

…She’s right. Tsukasa knows that she’s right.

Tsukasa stops walking. Saki only makes it a few steps before she notices her brother's arm starting to slip out of her grasp.

“Nii-chan…”

“Saki… I'm really scared.” Tsukasa couldn’t bring himself to look at her while he admitted it, keeping his gaze trained solely on the ground. “I really want to convince myself that Rui will remember me but…”

“Everything… every time he doesn't recognize something or a place or– or– anything we talked about… it's getting hard.” Tsukasa swallowed, trying to blink away the sting of tears in his eyes. “Rui asked me… he asked me if he doesn't remember me… if I'd still be his friend and I said yes, of course I would. And I'm not lying…!”

Saki’s hands come to grip his. Tsukasa squeezes them tight, trying not to cry. “I do want to be his friend. Through thick and thin. I'll always want to be by Rui's side. I know it won't be the end of the world if Rui never remembers me but…”

Actually, no. It may just be the end of the world. It'd be the end of Tsukasa's world at least.

They could make new memories together, they could learn to be close again but the balance of it all would be off. Tsukasa already knows Rui, the things he'd rather not talk about, the vegetables he avoids the most, what flavor of ramune candy he likes best. 

This Rui, the Rui who forgot everything, he doesn't know anything about Tsukasa anymore. He doesn't know the things Tsukasa avoids talking about, the bugs that especially freak him out or the fact that Tsukasa says acqua pazza was one of his favorite dishes but has never seen or tasted it.

Theoretically, he could relearn everything little by little, but the bond that they shared, the time they spent learning about each other bit by bit, slowly but together, that was what's precious to Tsukasa. It's something that can't be replicated anymore, not with Tsukasa knowing Rui.

Two people could never be the same, their experience is what shapes each and every person to be unique. Even though Rui is still Rui, he could never be the Rui Tsukasa knows inside and out ever again.

It'd be impossible to have them match exactly, no matter how similar. Tsukasa doesn't want similar— he wants Rui back. It hurts to face this Rui everyday, a Rui who didn't even remember him, but still, he stays.

Tsukasa would never abandon Rui, but was it not Rui who abandoned Tsukasa?

“But if he doesn't remember anything…” Tsukasa’s voice strained.

What was the point of making those memories at all?

“I just don't get it. How could he bear to forget anything at all?” He rubs his eyes. “Even me, with my forgetfulness, I’d never wish to– to actually forget anything on purpose… ‘cause all those memories, they’re mine. They help make up who I am… don’t they?”

Did Rui really fear death so much that he'd give up his own self? Did he really leave Tsukasa to bear their history alone, just because he didn’t want to be apart from him, and the rest of Wonderlands x Showtime?

It was definitely not a light decision to make. Tsukasa doesn’t really know if he could have made the same choice.

Especially since– in Len’s words— Rui was relying on Tsukasa to help him get his memories back. Or at least… was relying on Wonderland x Showtime to still accept him as he was.

And they did, they do. Tsukasa’s just not sure if he could ever place that burden on someone else; to still accept him even when a part of him that endeared him to other people was gone. Rui had a lot of faith in them. He has a lot of faith in Tsukasa.

And… that faith is intimidating to him. To think that Rui had trusted him so much and yet, Tsukasa had wished, even if it was for the briefest of moments, that Rui had died instead.

What if Rui had miscalculated? What if he couldn't do what Rui had hoped and restore his memories?

Would Rui still make the same choice, if he knew everything Tsukasa had been thinking these past few weeks?

“I don’t want Rui to die. The thought of him dying… It scares me. I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want Rui to die ever. Especially not in a place like the hospital.” He confessed to Saki in barely a whisper. “But at the same time, a part of me wishes he were dead.”

They must look strange to passersby, two teenagers standing off to the side of the road, one holding back tears and the other standing in front of him, holding his hand. Saki must have that pitying look on her face. Tsukasa really doesn’t want to see it.

“Why did this have to happen? Why him? Why me? Why did he forget me and only me?”

Why did they have to grow so close? Why does it hurt so much?

“This isn’t fair at all. I thought we were doing fine… Am I a horrible friend? Did I not notice anything and Rui was suffering the entire time? I can’t even ask Rui any of this— he’s literally forgotten it all!” Tsukasa just barely stops himself from stamping his feet on the ground like a spoiled child. 

“I’m just so mixed up… I feel awful. I feel…” Tsukasa stops talking when Saki pulls him into a hug. I feel like I'm not empathetic enough. I feel like I'm not being fair enough. I feel like I’m not enough. For anything.

“Onii-chan… it must have been so hard for you to keep everything in.” Saki rubs his back. “Anyone would feel overwhelmed and frustrated.”

Tsukasa lets out a muffled, “I know.” into Saki's shoulder. He does know, Len told him the same but it doesn't stop him from feeling awful.

“It's so unfair, isn't it?” Saki squeezes him tight. “You love Rui-san so much. You wouldn't give up your memories together for anything. You wouldn't forget Rui-san for anything, and yet…”

And yet indeed. Tsukasa hiccups.

“‘Why won't he return that same kind of love to me?’ Is what I’d be asking myself.”

“But the thing with love is that people show it in loads of different ways. And the thing with people is that sometimes they do things without stopping to think about if other people would get what they're trying to get across. You know?” She pauses to think for a second, then continues rubbing Tsukasa's back. “I'm sure that Rui-san never meant to hurt you. Maybe he just thought that… this was the only way.”

Weakly, Tsukasa nods. He just wished that Rui had talked to someone, anyone, before resorting to this.

“Your relationship with Rui-san is special, and it's stronger than just a few memories.” She says as she gently stroked Tsukasa's hair. “I know it probably doesn't mean much coming from me, I'd probably be frustrated and upset if Ichi-chan or Hona-chan or Shiho-chan forgot everything about me and all the time we spent together…”

“But I'm sure, no matter what happens, no matter how you feel, even if it's hard, you wouldn't abandon Rui-san. Ever. You'd push through. ‘Cause you love him. And that's what you do for the people you love, onii-chan. You keep pushing through and enduring no matter how hard it is, or what you may be thinking. Your love outweighs all of that.” Saki taps Tsukasa's forehead when he pulls away. He still hasn't cried, rubbing his eyes to keep the tears from spilling.

“And Rui-san… he wants to stay with you. Whether he knows it or not. The fact that you're still here and willing to be his friend, I'm sure that means everything to the Rui-san who remembers.”

Ah… that might be the answer to why Rui not remembering him hurt so bad.

He loves Rui. He wants Rui to love him too, in the same way.

To Tsukasa, loving meant that he would not give up what he loved, even if it cost him his own health and life. And he presumed that Rui would do the same.

But he didn't.

But how could Rui have known to? He never knew about how Tsukasa felt. Tsukasa barely put together how he felt before now.

And even if Rui did know, it'd be unfair of Tsukasa to force him to love in the same way he did. How Rui loved was all his own. 

Whether he chose to remember and die or forget and live, it was Rui's choice in the end. And it was his way of loving.

Saki squeezes his hands tight. “You don't have to be scared, onii-chan. Even if Rui-san had died, I'm sure he'd have died happy because he got to know you.”

Even if Tsukasa can't really understand it, he could at least respect it. And he does. It was Rui, after all. He loves each and every part of him.

Tsukasa sniffles, wiping his nose. “Saki, when I die… I'll be happy that you were born my sister.”

Saki smiles, nodding slightly as she tugs him along the rest of the way to school.

…

“She’s right, you know.”

Tsukasa pauses, looking down at the phone in his hand. Miku is there.

She's staring at him, a little dazed. Everything about her is a little off, perhaps it's because Tsukasa himself has been feeling more than a little off as well.

“Saki-chan. She's right. You have nothing to be scared of, Tsukasa-kun.” Miku gives him a slight smile. “Everything will be alright in the end. As long as you're honest.”

Tsukasa nods slightly, a bit weirded out. He's not used to seeing Miku so… still. “Miku, how is everything in the Sekai?”

“Hm,” Miku looks around her, as if looking around the Sekai. Now that he thinks about it… how exactly does the hologram stuff work on the Sekai side? “Miku has a feeling… it won't stay like this for much longer.”

“That's… good.” Tsukasa thinks so at least. He doesn't dwell on it more as he hears a voice calling “Tsukasa-kunnn!” behind him.

It was Emu, running at him at full speed.

“Emu–!” Tsukasa barely had time to exclaim before she rams into him, hard.

“I saw you drop off Saki-chan by the gate, I've been meaning to talk to you!” She says, seemingly unbothered by the fact that Tsukasa almost toppled over into the middle of the street.

“I've been researching all over, seeing what Rui-kun could have been sick with.” Emu hauls him off the ground. “I asked Nene-chan too, but she said she couldn't tell me anything because it was Rui-kun’s only request to her.”

“I see…” Tsukasa brushes the dirt from his uniform. “Did you find anything?”

“Yes, I think Rui-kun had to be sick with a respiratory disease. He was coughing a lot before everything.” Emu recounts. “But… just a respiratory disease won't lead to him forgetting things. Much less you for that matter.”

Tsukasa makes a face. What was that supposed to mean?

“It's not like Rui-kun could still be suffering from post-surgery brain fog or something, and it's unlikely that the anesthesia could have caused the memory loss either considering Rui-kun's age and anesthesia-related memory loss is usually temporary anyway…” Emu continues, “So, I thought, maybe the problem was mental instead of physical.”

“Huh?” Tsukasa blinks. A mental problem instead of a physical problem? How does that make sense? “What?”

“So I was researching, right? And I was looking for stuff that actually needed surgery to solve because Rui-kun showed me his surgery scars and they were definitely real.” She recounts as if it were nothing and not a lot of information she just dumped onto him to figure out. “And I stumbled across hanahaki.”

“Hanahaki…” Tsukasa mumbles. He remembered learning about the rare disease in his advanced health class. A mental disorder that’s triggered if the patient thinks their love is unrequited. The heartache manifests physically, making flowers grow in the lungs and near the heart. If it goes untreated long enough, it becomes fatal.

At the time, he had found it beautiful and poetic. A disease that manifests a person’s longing and heartache as flowers in their chest. Now though, thinking of the possibility that Rui may have very well lived through that… Lived through the pain of roots sinking into his flesh, into his tissues; flowers growing in the space where air and oxygen should be, the harder stems scraping roughly in his throat as he threw them up…

It was horrifying.

“I thought it must be hanahaki, right? Cause there’s a treatment method involving surgery and that…” Emu was still talking, but for the life of him, Tsukasa could not focus. 

Hanahaki. It was nauseating. The thought weighed heavy on his chest. Tsukasa almost could not fathom it. For Rui to get sick with something as cruel as hanahaki… To learn that Rui might have been in love with someone to the point where it manifested physically…

And for it to have damaged his health to the point where he had almost died.

And that… he didn't tell Tsukasa. Or anybody. And let it grow to the point that it had.

Tsukasa knows Rui, knows him from the inside out. Was the reason that he didn't tell anyone was because he felt that… he was undeserving?

Undeserving of love, or maybe he didn't trust himself to love… whoever it was properly, despite the proof growing in his lungs, in his body, near his heart.

A part of Tsukasa has to wonder, did Rui let the hanahaki fester as punishment for daring to love someone– anyone— that much?

Tsukasa tugs on the hem of his sweater to keep himself from reacting, snapping back to Emu waving a hand in front of his face, exchanging nervous glances with Miku.

“Are you sure it was hanahaki, Emu?” He tries to keep his voice steady but Emu seems to detect even the slightest waver.

“I… Pretty sure… Tsukasa-kun…”

“It was hanahaki.” Miku confirmed. Tsukasa looked down at her, still in his hands. It felt like holding the weight of the world. “Before the surgery, Rui-kun came into the Sekai.”

“Before the surgery?” Emu and Tsukasa both echoed.

“If it was before the surgery, he shouldn’t have been out of bed at all! Especially considering…” His mind flashed back to that dream, the image of Rui sitting alone in a plain hospital room. Tsukasa swallows harshly. “...considering how his condition must have been.”

Miku nods. “KAITO-kun said that too, back then, but Rui-kun said he needed to talk to us about something important.”

“He said to Miku, “Thank Tsukasa-kun and the others because they have been the best friends and troupe a director like me could ask for. No matter what happens, they will all be dear in my heart of hearts.” KAITO-kun and Miku told him that Rui-kun should tell you guys himself, but…”

By that point, he was probably too far gone to do anything else. Tsukasa thought to himself, clenching his fist.

“...Despite everything, it makes me really happy that Rui-kun loves us so.” Emu gently grabs the edge of Tsukasa’s sleeve. “Rui-kun is very dear to all of us too. And he sounds so confident that even if he…” she glances at Tsukasa, “...that no matter what happened, we’ll still be dear to him.”

Dear, but not dearest. There was someone dearer to Rui's heart than them. Someone who Rui loved so much, he thought that they could never love him.

“...Tsukasa-kun?” Emu tugs on his sleeve.

Tsukasa looks at her, then down to Miku, in his hand. She’s looking at him, in a way that makes it seem like she knows exactly what he was going to do. Even though Tsukasa himself didn’t know what he was gonna do.

What exactly was he supposed to do with this? It wasn’t like– it wasn’t like he could do anything. Everything had already happened. Rui… got surgery to remove the flowers but… 

The flowers were a physical manifestation of Rui's mental pain. Removing the flowers was equal to removing whoever made Rui feel this way from his head. Tsukasa’s skin prickled. Rui forgot, yes, but there were still small pieces of him he remembered.

The showman from the play they put on to convince him to rejoin Wonderlands x Showtime, his reluctance to leave Wonderlands x Showtime, the fact that Kyoto, Kamo River, felt familiar to him.

Could any of that still be counted as Tsukasa though? Was he going about this all wrong?

“...Thank you for telling me, you two.” Tsukasa rubs his face with his hand. “I need… I think we all need some time. To process this.”

“Mmm.” Miku nods. “Miku will be waiting for the both of you in the Sekai.”

You and Rui.

…

It's lunchtime by the time Tsukasa makes it to school.

He sat at a park bench for a while after Emu left, turning his phone over and over again in his hand just for something to do.

It's unbecoming of a disciplinary committee member, but Tsukasa honestly just needed some time to think.

Hanahaki was brutal, but with the right treatment it wasn’t fatal. The thought that Rui had specifically not sought treatment as punishment for himself wouldn’t leave Tsukasa’s mind.

Tsukasa didn’t know exactly if it were him or not that Rui had loved. He doesn’t know what to do with himself if he was.

A part of himself couldn’t help but be angry. Why didn’t Rui just tell him? He would have– Tsukasa loved him back. He loves him so much…

But he had only admitted himself that he loved Rui in that way recently. If Rui had confessed to him earlier, when the hanahaki was first showing itself or maybe even right before the surgery, would Tsukasa have responded in a way that made Rui believe he did love him back, and was not doing it out of obligation or because there was no other option?

Either way, Tsukasa had arrived at school with the determination to talk to Rui and set everything straight. He really did not want this to last any longer, especially now that he has just the smallest idea of how to fix everything.

Tsukasa catches him in the middle of the hallway, walking towards the school store with Ibuki Taniyama.

“Rui.” He calls. Tsukasa must look like a mess, or at least, not as put together as he usually would be. Tsukasa tried, he had really really tried to keep it together, but after everything that's happened these past few weeks, he feels as if he's been wrung out for all he's worth.

Perhaps Rui noticed. It seems as if he's become more and more familiar with Tsukasa as of late, even despite Tsukasa avoiding him. He gives Tsukasa a once over and nods at him, smiling slightly. “Tsukasa-san.”

“Ten-kun!” Ibuki greets him with a grin. “I heard you weren’t in class this morning from Shuu-tan. Where’d you go?”

Shuu-tan. Ten-kun. Taniyama’s nickname for Hayashi and him almost made Tsukasa want to smile. “A friend had to speak with me about something important.” Tsukasa squeezed the straps of his backpack. “Speaking of. Rui, would you mind if we talked?”

“Of course.” Rui looks at him expectantly, making no effort to move.

“Alone. If you don’t mind, Taniyama.”

“Oh!” Ibuki looks from Rui to Tsukasa then back again. “Yeah– No, yeah! Of course! Kamicchi, let’s have lunch together another day!”

Tsukasa and Rui both waved to him as he left, looking back every three steps. He definitely, definitely, was going to gossip about them to Miyake and Hayashi. Ah, whatever.

Tsukasa leads Rui by his wrist to the second floor, to a part of the school near the staircase where it was nearly empty.

“Is something wrong, Tsukasa-san?” He asks as soon as he stops.

Tsukasa squeezes Rui’s wrist tight before letting go. “I’m… going to ask you something. Answer me, answer me with as much you remember, okay?”

“Ah… alright.”

“Miku told me that… you came to her. Before the surgery. She said… that you had hanahaki.”

“Oh… yes. I did. At least, that is what my doctors have been telling me.” Rui hums. “I have no memory of it though.”

Tsukasa nods slightly. “Try your best to remember. Who… were you in love with?”

“Hm, well. I suspect it had to be you, Tsukasa-san.”

Tsukasa digs his nails into his palm. That was what he was afraid of hearing. “You suspect? Or you know?”

“Well, all my other memories of everyone else are still intact. It seems like most everything related to you has been wiped clean from my memory.” Rui picks at a loose thread on his cardigan. “Unless, I had someone else that was… that I've actually completely forgotten, I do suspect the person I was in love with had to be you, Tsukasa-san.”

Something in Tsukasa flares, akin to irritation or maybe anger. He’s speaking before he can even register it. “Give him back to me.” 

“Pardon me?” Rui has the gall to tilt his head like he did when everything was right and normal. It only served to irritate Tsukasa more.

“Give him back. Give him back to me!” Tsukasa's hands come up to grip the sleeves of his cardigan. To shake him maybe. Or because Tsukasa just needed to hold onto something. All at once, everything crashes into him. The grief, the sorrow, the anger. The force of it makes Tsukasa slump and put all his weight onto Rui, making him wobble and step back.

“Give me Rui back. Please. The Rui that loved me. At least let me tell him that– that—!” I love him too. Tsukasa shudders. All those tears he had pent up since this morning, maybe even longer, decided that now was the perfect time to come out. He starts sobbing, loud and wretched. He doesn't even give Rui a chance to react as he collapses further and cries into Rui's very stiff shoulder, practically in hysterics.

“I can't bear it. I can't bear the thought of you–!” A hiccup cuts him off before he could continue. Honestly, there were too many things Tsukasa wanted to say. They were all flooding his head, wanting to be the first to spill out of his mouth.

I can't bear the thought of you liking someone else. Loving them to the point of near death, to the point where you had to cut yourself open just to survive.

What comes out is a choked, unintelligible groan. Tsukasa shakes his head, wanting to claw and tear at the frustration bubbling deep inside his chest. He couldn’t get his feelings across. Why can’t Rui just figure out his tangled mess of emotions without him having to say anything?

That wouldn’t be fair though. No matter how much Rui understands him, or understood him,  he could never actually read Tsukasa’s mind. No matter how many times he seemed to read it. It was the same vice versa. If Tsukasa could not read Rui’s mind then why would Rui be able to?

Rui’s hands come up to Tsukasa's arms, not pulling him away just yet. “Why are you doing all of this? Going through so much pain and effort, Tsukasa-san, why?”

Tsukasa doesn’t answer. He feels like it should be obvious why he was doing this. Even if he didn’t even really know at first.

“It almost sounds like… you love me.”

His breath catches in his throat. “I do.” He manages to croak out against Rui’s stiff shoulder. “Is that not obvious? I love you, Rui.”

Something shifts. Tsukasa can almost physically feel it. Rui grips him tighter, pulling him into a proper hug. “Ah… haha…” He’s laughing, but Tsukasa can’t see anything funny about any of this. “You do. Don’t you?”

“Rui–?”

“You do love me, Tsukasa-kun. Just not… not in the way I want you to.”

It’s with that sentence that Rui pulls Tsukasa away from him, turning quick as lightning and bolting up the stairwell before Tsukasa could even process the “Tsukasa-kun” that came out of his mouth.

…

Tsukasa finds him eventually. Rui’s sitting on the rooftop, maybe the first place Tsukasa should have checked honestly, leaning on the chainlink fence. He's listless and his breathing is labored, with flower petals and bloody flowers stuck to his dress shirt and his lap.

For a second, Tsukasa fears he is dead.

“Tsukasa-kun.” Rui still somehow finds the strength to smile at him with bloody and chapped lips.

So he remembers.

Tsukasa is quick to crouch down next to him. Rui looks in even more pain up close and something in Tsukasa's chest tightens over his lungs. “Rui, you… Save your strength, you look… awful.”

At that, Rui chuckles, causing more petals to be weakly coughed out. “I'd imagine so.”

“I can't believe you still have the strength to joke at a time like this.” Tsukasa brushes hair out of Rui's face. “Didn't I tell you to save your strength?”

Rui shakes his head, still smiling. “Tsukasa-kun, I want to thank you.”

“There's nothing to thank me for. You're hurt. Remembering me… I- I hurt you.” Tsukasa bites his tongue to keep from crying. He really needs to break out of that habit.

“I want to thank you precisely because you helped me remember.”

Tsukasa looks up, letting his hands fall into Rui's.

“I realize now, that if I’m going to die, I don't want to die not remembering you, my dearest friend in the world.” Rui squeezes his hands weakly and it makes Tsukasa's stomach turn. “Thank you, for letting me remember. I'm sorry I ever forgot you in the first place, the brightest star in the sky.”

“You won't die.” Tsukasa tries to reassure him but it just sounds like he's reassuring himself. “Listen, you aren’t going to die, Rui. Let me call an ambulance– Let me tell you that I—”

“I know you love me. You love me so much, Tsukasa-kun.” Rui coughs, rough and wet. Tsukasa’s stomach drops. Was he wrong? “But you don't… love me in the way that I love you. I don’t think you ever will. And, I tried to convince myself that I'd be fine with that. That I'd be happy and satisfied as long as I was by your side.”

“Rui—” Tsukasa tried to interrupt but Rui kept talking.

“But deep down, I think my body knew the truth, and the truth was that I wouldn't be able to live with that. To think that you might have someone in your heart more precious to you than me…” He speaks so casually, as if he wasn't coughing up flowers and staining his uniform with his own blood. As if he wasn’t dying on their school rooftop. “Personally, I think this may be a punishment for my selfishness.”

“You aren't selfish. You're the least selfish person I know… If anyone’s selfish, it's me.” Tsukasa squeezes Rui's hands back. “Listen, I'll fix this, okay? I'll fix it.”

“There's nothing for you to fix, Tsukasa-kun. But thank you for trying.” Rui has the audacity to laugh. To laugh at a time like this. “Thank you… I'm really happy. So happy I could die.” He drags himself forward enough to drape over Tsukasa, his head resting on his shoulder.

His weight was entirely shifted onto Tsukasa, making him unable to do anything other than wrap his arms around Rui, gripping him tight. Rui coughs, trying to move away from Tsukasa so he wouldn’t dirty any of his clothes but Tsukasa wouldn’t let him, placing his hand over Rui’s head to keep it on his shoulder.

So. This was what hanahaki was like. It was hanahaki the whole time. Rui forgot Tsukasa because he was in love with him. Absent-mindedly, he strokes Rui’s hair.

He doesn’t know what he expected to feel when he got confirmation that yes, Rui forgot Tsukasa because he was so convinced that Tsukasa could never love him back that lung surgery was the better option than just talking to him, but anger was probably near the top of the list.

“What… the hell is wrong with you.” Tsukasa roughly pulls away, holding Rui’s head to keep him from just collapsing onto the floor. “You could have– You should have just told me!”

“Tsukasa-kun…”

“What was your plan? Long term?” Tsukasa shakes him, gently and just a little. Rui deserved a much harder shake than that. “You got the surgery to prolong your life but at the same time you were confident that I would eventually get you to remember everything, thus, letting the flowers sprout again. And then… what? Were you just going to get the surgery again and forget again just to prolong your life a little more or what?”

Guilt was written all over Rui’s face. “I wasn’t… I wasn’t thinking…”

“Why would you… Why would you do this to yourself?!” Tsukasa pulls him close again, barely hearing Rui’s choked, confused noise.

“Why are you so scared of letting yourself love, huh? Is it because you think that your love is scary? Overwhelming, all-consuming? That it’s so– so intense that you think that no one could ever accept it, much less return your feelings?”

Hurt flashed across Rui’s face for half a second. Bullseye then.

Tsukasa bites the inside of his cheek. “Well I do. I feel the same about you.”

“No.” Rui weakly shakes his head, trying to duck from Tsukasa’s gaze. “No, Tsukasa-kun. You don’t. You aren’t… You can’t… You’re too brilliant to ever…”

“Well I do!” He forces Rui to look at him. “I love you. Whenever I thought about you all alone in a hospital room I wanted to cry. When I heard that you said yes to Asahi-san’s offer to work for Arkland I wanted to grab your hand and beg you not to go. Whenever you called me Tsukasa-san instead of Tsukasa-kun it felt like nothing in the world mattered anymore. I want to be beside you all the time. I’m so, so selfish.”

He feels himself getting choked up, maybe from all the emotions spilling into tears or maybe he's choking on the heart he was bearing to Rui. Either way, Tsukasa refuses to bend. “When you forgot me, it felt like the world was ending. It felt like a part of me was missing; that’s how important you are to me. Being around a you who didn’t remember anything about me hurt, and yet, I couldn’t pull myself away from you, because what would I do if you ever left?”

“I wanna be a part of your life. I want to know every little thing about you. I want it to be us until the end of time. Tsukasa and Rui. The oddballs one and two. The star and his dearest director.” Tsukasa slightly pinches Rui’s cheeks with his thumbs. “I love you to the point that even if everything else disappears, my feelings would still stay.”

“It’s so overwhelming, everything I feel for you, but it’s mine and it’s all for you, Rui.” Tsukasa’s lower lip wobbles. Rui was looking at him with a heap of emotions on his face that Tsukasa didn’t have the strength to untangle. “I don’t know how much clearer I can make it. Rui, I love you. I love you. I love you.”

The world was quiet. For half a minute, it was just the two of them. Two boys, sitting on a school rooftop with a gentle breeze blowing as the words “I love you” sunk in.

Then, Rui was coughing. 

Hunching over, he hacks and gags bloody asters into Tsukasa’s lap. Red and white. Like the ones in the Sekai were. Though, with the amount of blood Rui was throwing up as well, who could tell how many flowers were truly red?

As Rui harshly sputtered and spit, Tsukasa fumbles for his phone in his pocket, rubbing Rui’s back with his free hand. Rui whines as he moves, pressing his face into Tsukasa’s ruined blazer as he catches his breath.

His lap was full of flowers. More than what could reasonably fit in a person's lungs. Enough for a whole bouquet. Asters. Star flowers. Tsukasa could laugh and cry at them, at so many things, but he doesn’t.

“Rui.” Tsukasa says instead, voice more gentle and quiet than it's ever been. He grips the back of Rui’s beautiful blue cardigan. “Let’s go to the hospital.”

And Rui, tucked so snugly in Tsukasa’s arms, only has the strength to nod weakly.

-

The hospital doesn't seem as sterile as it did when he was younger.

Tsukasa hums to himself as he leans back on the hospital chair, glancing out at the afternoon sky. It was bright and sunny. He can’t help but think about what he would be doing, if this was a normal day.

On days like this, Emu would probably drag him and the rest of Wonderlands x Showtime out for a walk or something sweet to eat. Or maybe Saki would ask him to go with her and Toya to the mall so they could watch him win at ridiculously hard crane machines.

Or maybe Rui would ask Tsukasa to come over to his place, and they’d sit in silence together, doing their own things, or they’d talk about plays and tv shows, new opportunities for Wonderlands x Showtime to grow together.

A few feet away, Rui shuffles in his hospital bed, muttering something in his sleep. Tsukasa lets out an amused laugh. For all the grief he’s caused him over the past few weeks, he can still sleep peacefully, huh?

Tsukasa turns back to the origami paper in his lap and the half-folded crane. Kanade had dropped by earlier, with a change of clothes for him and something to do. A benefit of having a sibling that goes to school online he supposes.

It’s… really strange, him having these thoughts. So domestic and… normal. Barely two hours ago Tsukasa was helping paramedics load Rui into an ambulance while their classmates had stared. The whole ride to the hospital, Tsukasa had feared for Rui’s life. Feared that his words hadn’t been enough, that his feelings didn’t reach Rui. Feared that, maybe, Rui would need to get the flowers removed all over again and they’d be right back where they started.

Thankfully, nothing like that had happened.

Tsukasa hadn’t been told anything, being that he was still underage and also not a family member, but Rui’s mother had shown up soon enough after to tell him what they told her.

The doctors had said that they believed that the worst of it had passed, that Rui was currently being monitored in case he choked while his body removed the flowers and would need to stay in the hospital for about a week to see if he was truly healed, but it looked promising.

And, Tsukasa is sure the doctors didn’t say this and it was just Rui’s mother teasing him, that it’d help if the person Rui had loved so much stayed by his side. Tsukasa himself had no objections with that, so with a call to his father and Kanade, Tsukasa was now in charge of an exhausted Rui while his mother wrapped up things at work, promising to drop by again near dinner time.

Tsukasa scoots his chair closer to the bed, placing the finished crane with the others on Rui’s bedside table. They’re clumsily folded, Tsukasa hasn’t done this since Saki was in the hospital, and there’s no way Tsukasa could manage to fold a thousand of them before the end of the week, but the cranes just being there made him feel more at peace.

Or at least, it’ll remind Rui that he isn’t alone in this blank hospital room anymore.

Gently, he rests his head near Rui’s on the bed, using one hand to play with his hair. “Hey,” Tsukasa whispers. “can you hear me?”

Rui mumbles something, opening his eyes just a crack. Awake, but not fully alert, if at all.

Tsukasa giggles. “Nene messaged me. She said she’s gonna wait until you get fully better to beat you up with Akiyama. She also said she’s gonna bring Emu, along with cards apparently. From your classmates.”

“Mmh.” Rui makes a sleepy sound of acknowledgement.

“You gave a lot of people a scare, you know.” Tsukasa twirls a strand of purple hair with his finger. “My phone’s been blowing up with messages from Toya, An and some other juniors of ours. Even from Miyajo. They’re all really worried about you. Especially since you were wheeled out of school not long ago.”

“Sorry. Hope I didn’... cause… scene…” 

Tsukasa snorts, letting his hand fully card through Rui’s hair now that his eyes are a bit more open. “It’s not like the paramedics could get you down from the rooftop without a scene.”

Rui hums, almost purring like a cat as he leans into Tsukasa’s touch. Cute. He’s probably not yet fully awake.

“Hey… What are red and white asters supposed to symbolize, huh?”

That seems to snap Rui awake. He startles, sitting up to look around the hospital room, then, very slowly, back at Tsukasa. “Tsu- Tsukasa-kun…” 

“Hi.” Tsukasa smiles, nudging the side of Rui’s hand with his. “Good to see you have so much energy.”

“Tsukasa-kun… I… Oh my god, I…” Rui rubbed his face, no doubt thoughts of all kinds running through that head of his.

He reaches out a hand to gently rub his shoulder. “The doctors said that they’re gonna keep you here for around a week. To make sure you aren’t gonna relapse or anything. If you do, I’m gonna be pretty upset cause I really did pour my heart out to you back there, you know?”

Rui makes an embarrassed sound, burying his face in his hands, a flush making itself known down his neck. Tsukasa laughs, gathering enough courage to hoist himself up and onto the edge of the bed.

Rui was really cute. He's thought it before, but this was the first time he was really letting himself think about it in this context. Romantically.

And it's nice seeing Rui being flustered for a change. Usually, it was the other way around.

“Hey, you never answered me.” Tsukasa pries one of Rui's hands from his pink, pink face. “I looked up hanahaki while you were out cold. It’s said that the flowers that grow in the patient’s lungs correspond with the person they love. I get how asters relate to me, but how exactly does the red and white? Hm?”

“...If you looked it up you must already know.” Rui turns away, face growing redder and redder. Tsukasa wants to kiss his cheeks so bad.

“I want to hear it from you.”

The silence stretches for what feels like too long before Rui relents, letting his remaining hand fall from his face so Tsukasa could see it in all its red and embarrassed glory.

“Um, the red asters… represent devotion. And passion. And… sometimes courage.” Rui’s voice gets quieter as he speaks. Tsukasa squeezes his hand for him to continue. “I… think that description fits you, Tsukasa-kun. So devoted and passionate about so many things… Shows, acting, your family… and you're not lacking in courage to show it either. You… Those are traits I admire greatly about you.”

Tsukasa's heart aches in his chest at the words. He couldn't help but scoot closer. “And… the white?” He asks as his lips ghost over Rui's knuckles.

Rui squeezes Tsukasa's hand, bringing it close to his chest so he could feel just how fast his heart was racing. As if the monitor couldn't.

“The white… means new beginnings. Um, rebirth.” Rui ducks his head. “...Even if you denied it back then, Tsukasa-kun, I think that you were a big, if not the biggest factor, on how I came to be changed the way I have. Everyday with you I feel like I'm living in a dream. It's hard to believe I was who I was just a few years ago.”

“I feel like a completely different person and yet… I don't feel different at all. It's confusing, but a good kind of confusing.” He peeks up at Tsukasa, “And I suppose I still attribute a lot of that to you, Tsukasa-kun. That… is what the white asters mean.”

Tsukasa heaves himself up and onto Rui's lap, unable to contain the urge to kiss him. And who could, after hearing something like that? His heart feels like it must burst and he feels as if he just might too if he didn't kiss Rui right now.

The kiss is little more than a harsh and maybe a little desperate press of lips on lips, but Tsukasa's emotions are overflowing up and out of his chest so much that he wonders if Rui'd be able to taste them.

“That's unfair.” Tsukasa says when they break apart. He presses a few shorter kisses onto the corner of Rui's lips and his still flushed cheeks. He's sure he's not any better though. “Your confession was so much better than mine.”

“I disagree.” Rui says in a daze, a stupid, dopey smile on his face. “Yours saved my life. Convinced me I was worthy of being loved by you.”

Tsukasa kissed him again for that. And maybe in part to hide the slight tears in his eyes.

Before he realizes it, Tsukasa's openly crying while still pressing kisses into Rui's whole face. The emotions hit him at once, the ones he had pent up for so long, causing him to slump slightly against Rui, almost like he did on the rooftop earlier that day.

It takes a bit for Tsukasa to calm down, with Rui rubbing his back to comfort him as the tears dry.

They sit in silence. Not exactly embracing but leaning against one another. Tsukasa’s head on Rui’s shoulder and Rui’s hand tracing the edges of Tsukasa’s cardigan.

“I love you.” Tsukasa says quietly. The hand stops. “I’m so, so mad at you though.”

Rui makes a sound akin to a laugh as his hand starts again. “I’m sorry.”

“You shouldn’t be apologizing to me. You should be apologizing to yourself for making yourself go through that.”

Tsukasa can feel Rui nod. “I’m sorry.” He says again, to himself this time. Tsukasa will make sure that one day, he means it. “I truly never meant for it to progress as far as it did… Well, maybe a part of me wanted it.”

Tsukasa moves to pull away but Rui’s hand, now placed on his lower back, doesn’t let him go too far. Not far enough to look at Rui’s face at least.

“I spent my whole life thinking I was some kind of monster.” He stills. It’s not knowledge Tsukasa does not know. It still makes something in him ache. It does every time. “Everything I did, everything I was interested in, I never felt like I did it correctly. I was seen as strange, and wrong. Over time, I suppose a part of me started to live in that identity. That I was wrong, a monster. Someone who never did anything right. I thought I would be alone forever. And I suppose I taught myself to be okay with that.”

“Then you came along, and you brought Wonderlands x Showtime with you.” Rui’s arm came up to squeeze Tsukasa’s waist. “You were the best thing to have ever happened to me, Tsukasa-kun.”

Tsukasa returns Rui’s squeeze with one on his arm. “That’s not true.” He wants to say but he can’t find his voice.

“I wouldn’t have gotten this far in achieving my dreams if you hadn’t chased me back then. I’m really thankful for that. I’m thankful for you.” Rui adjusts his grip, his head now resting on Tsukasa’s. It was nice and all, and it was more comfortable, but Tsukasa still wasn’t allowed to see Rui’s face. “Deep down, I think a part of me really didn't want you to accept my feelings.”

Tsukasa couldn’t pull away and make a face at that so he makes an indignant sound instead.

“Because you've already accepted so much of me, Tsukasa-kun. I feared that if you had accepted all of it, then I would have grown to be selfish and spoiled with all you've given me. If you had given me your heart, I would’ve turned into a monster, in every sense of the word. So I let the hanahaki progress. And by the time I had enough sense to do something… it was already too late.”

Tsukasa huffs, using his body to knock Rui back into his pillows, using the momentum to finally free himself from Rui’s grasp and pinch his face. “Let yourself be selfish! Let yourself get spoiled! If you ask me, I think you deserve the whole world!”

“Of course you’d say that.”

“I’d say that because I’m right.” Tsukasa pinches his cheeks harder. “I know you spent a lot of time believing it, but truly, you’re not a monster, Rui.”

“It’s true your ideas are weird and your inventions might be wacky, but you’re no more a monster than the average kid is a monster. It’s unfair that you were treated as a freak by your classmates when you were just a kid. That’s all you were. A kid who thought differently from everyone else and one that made some mistakes.” He taps Rui’s head with his finger. “You’re a little strange, but you’re not wrong for that.”

Rui hums, leaning into Tsukasa’s hand that was now cupping his face.

“And, for what it’s worth, who cares if you’re a monster? I love you for you. No matter how scary, or selfish, or whatever the hell else you make yourself out to be. I love you ‘cause you’re Rui. There’s no simpler way to say it.” Tsukasa rubs his cheek with his thumb. “I’m not the only one either. Lots of people love you ‘cause you are Rui. Nene, Emu, your parents, your friends, your juniors. If you’re a monster, then you are our beautiful, smart monster who we wouldn’t trade for the world.”

“You’re not alone anymore.” Tsukasa whispers to Rui. “I’m right beside you.”

Tsukasa quickly wipes away the tear that escaped Rui’s eye. Below him, Rui nods, gripping the back of Tsukasa’s cardigan as if to make sure he was real, not a dream. In response, Tsukasa kisses his cheeks until Rui started to giggle.

“If you ever pull a stunt like this again or hurt yourself to this point again, I won’t hesitate to chase you down in the afterlife!” Tsukasa scolds him, making Rui laugh again. He’s serious about it though.

“As long as you don’t regret it, Tsukasa-kun.” Rui rests his chin on his chest. His eyes were still damp, but at least he wasn’t crying anymore. Tsukasa brushes hair away from Rui’s eyes.

“I won’t.” Tsukasa presses a kiss to his stupid, long strand of hair. “Loving you has been the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me. These past few weeks… I’ve never grieved so hard in my life. But I’m still the happiest I’ve ever been. I won’t ever regret it. As long as you promise to remember me.”

“I don’t dare to do it again.” Rui promises. “I don’t think I’d be able to handle the heartbreak.”

He doesn’t have enough courage to say, ‘I don’t think I would either.’ so Tsukasa buries his face into Rui’s hair and says “Good.” with a huff instead.

He feels Rui squeeze his waist tight, and Tsukasa can’t help but smile. Even without saying it out loud, he knows.

I love you, his fingers say as they tickle Rui’s nape.

Rui spreads out his fingers to press against Tsukasa’s lower back, they say, I love you too.