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If you were to ask Jihoon what Dohoon means so much to him he'll say the usual lines “he's my boyfriend, it's because i love him the most” but if you were to ask him on a deeper level he'd talk day and night about Dohoon. How naturally scoots closer to Jihoon whenever he's cold, how his nose scrunches up whenever he's focused, his slightly pouty face when Jihoon doesn't want to cuddle with him, his beautiful black hair and his chocolate brown eyes, everything that made Dohoon Dohoon Jihoon loved that about him. And the things Dohoon didn't love, Jihoon loved them enough for the both of them.
They were inseparable, Dohoon would cutely cling to everywhere Jihoon goes and Jihoon would silently follow Dohoon from a distance whenever he went out alone. They loved it that way, they loved being there for eachother in every moment of the day. Every night, Jihoon would carefully tuck Dohoon in and press a soft kiss on his forehead. And every morning Dohoon would wake up first, kiss Jihoon many times and go make breakfast for the two of them.
Everyone loved their dynamic, many were jealous and many were happy that their friends found their soulmate. Honestly it was cute seeing them in public, how Dohoon would lean his head on Jihoon's shoulder when they were sitting, and how their hands would naturally find eachother when walking, how they both looked at eachother with so much love and fondness in their eyes, how their gaze would be fixed on eachother even when they're not next to eachother.
Dohoon was always low on energy but Jihoon never questioned that because he had been through it all with Dohoon and he knew that his life wasn't easy at all. Many memories still lived in his mind like a reminder that no matter how his life is now, he'll never properly be healed. So Jihoon never pushed, if Dohoon was gloomy he let him be, if he didn't want to go out they stayed home and accommodating to Dohoon wasn't a problem at all for him, his main purpose of life was to see Dohoon happy, and he'd do everything he can to ensure Dohoon's happiness. The last thing he wanted was to make Dohoon feel bad because Dohoon meant more than the whole world to him, Dohoon meant his life, and if he ever lost him, he wouldn't know how to function without him. He would shut down and eventually, maybe, take his own life if the pain of losing his most loved one becomes unbearable. No matter his fear of death, no matter any fear he had involving death, if Dohoon wasn't by his side then nobody and nothing else mattered.
So at first, when Dohoon started jumping around every morning, smiling brightly more often, singing at the top of his lungs, Jihoon was very happy that his lover finally started healing and being somewhat happy.
…
Jihoon woke up expecting a soft kiss from Dohoon as usual. Instead he got “GOOD MORNING LOVE!” Dohoon yelled at the top of his lungs as he jumped on their bed. Jihoon was thrown off guard since it was his first time seeing Dohoon this energised.
“Good morning to you too love” he said, chuckling quietly as he leaned in and softly kissed Dohoon.
Dohoon immediately jumped around the house, starting to make breakfast for the two of them. “What do you want to eat?” He asked, hugging Jihoon and not letting go. “Anything that it's the easiest for you” Jihoon said like usual but today Dohoon wasn't buying it “aaaaa just say what you want to eat!! I'll make anything for you!” he whined a bit and through quiet laughter Jihoon spoke “okay then chef Kim Dohoon i want waffles” “and you'll get waffles” Dohoon said and immediately put on some music.
Jihoon didn't honestly know if this was a dream of some kind or if he was thrown into an alternate universe where their roles switched, because in their 4 years of dating Dohoon had never jumped on him or jumped around the house, it was all completely new to him. And he wasn't sure if he liked it or not. Well, from one side he did like it since he had always wanted to see Dohoon's wild side but from the other side something just didn't seem right.
“Shut up Han, you're probably overthinking it” he muttered to himself and entered the kitchen where a flour covered Dohoon waited for him. “Where have you been??” He asked, clinging to Jihoon like crazy. “I've been in the bathroom” such a lie by Jihoon, the first time he had lied to Dohoon.
They ate, went to college and came home. Dohoon seemed so well rested even if he practically danced his way to the college and home. The new side of Dohoon was rather interesting, many of their new friends have started being more generous and more wild around him after seeing his second persona, but Jihoon, he felt like something was off, he didn't want to push it of course but something in his heart, heavy, told him that this wasn't a good thing at all. But he couldn't mention anything to Dohoon, he just stayed silent, very silent.
“What's on your mind, love?” Dohoon popped up behind Jihoon and wrapped him in a hug. “Nothing much, just tired from practice today” he said as he leaned into Dohoon's touch. Letting himself be carried away. When he woke up it was already time to sleep so he went to their room and found Dohoon asleep, he kissed him good night and laid next to him wrapping him close.
….
One month of this and Jihoon was slowly starting to enjoy Dohoon being the lead initiator. He liked seeing Dohoon with more energy. He liked staying up late talking with him and he liked being a bit bolder with his kisses. But he still couldn't shake the heavy feeling in his chest when he looked at Dohoon.
His eyes were still filled with that gloomy look he always wore, his body still slumped after action he did, he still looked exhausted. The problem was that he had no idea how to bring it up, he had no idea what to say, saying “dohoon are you pretending?” sounded very wrong especially knowing Dohoon's past. So he stayed silent, exactly like month ago.
He always looked at Dohoon with desperate eyes and Dohoon would just ask him what's wrong and Jihoon was forced to stay silent and lie.
…
Jihoon came back from dance practice exhausted as fuck. They did at least hundred run overs and he just wanted to sleep. “Hey love, are you okay?” Dohoon asked, looking very concerned. “Yeah, just hella tired, I'm going to shower then sleep” he said, kissing Dohoon on the mouth. After Jihoon finished everything he just dropped on the couch.
“Jihoon, i love you” Dohoon said as he pressed a kiss on his lips. “Love you too Dohoonie” he said. “No, Jihoon, i really love you and I'll always love you” Dohoon said, his eyes glassy at the edges. Jihoon stood up to hug him and said “i know Dohoonie, i know, I'll always love you too, and we'll always be together, right?” “Yeah” “i love you soooo much!” Jihoon said as he dropped on the couch and immediately fell asleep, his exhaustion finally getting to him.
Jihoon woke up after about 5 hours, and spotted a note on the counter. Which wasn't very unusual as Dohoon liked leaving notes whenever he went out to buy groceries. Jihoon opened it and this one seemed a bit thicker than it usually was, but who was he to question it.
He started reading the first line and he realised the horrible truth.
Hey Jihoonie, this is a bit sudden isn't it? I'm sorry for leaving you a note like this but i didn't know how else to say goodbye. I'm sorry, i really thought i could do it, i really thought i could live with it, live with all the memories still remaining in my heart. But the harsh truth is that i couldn't, everyday i tried, tried to be happy with you and to forget about everything but it wasn't possible. The last month i poured my last ounces of energy into making you happy but you knew, you always know and that's one of the many things that make you a very special person. My Jihoonie, my everything, please, please continue living happily even without me because that's what i would've wanted, find someone else to make you happy like i did, if i did and please don't do the same thing that i did. I'll always love you and I'll look forward to our next meeting.
For one last time, your beloved Dohoon.
Jihoon dropped to his knees clutching the note so tightly like it was the only thing keeping him alive.
“I love you” he said one last time as he softly kissed the note and started sobbing.