Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It was at the end of a (rare) uneventful day at the DEO. Alex slung her bag over her shoulder with a slight squeak as strap met leather. She gave a soft sigh and waved goodbye to the few people nearby; J’onn was nowhere to be seen - she hoped he was at least taking a break if he was still around, but she knew it was unlikely.

Trudging outside, Alex started slightly as something white and damp fell gently onto her nose. Snow? It was snowing, here?

She stood for a moment, turning over her hands and letting the snow fall quietly on her palms. Then, after a minute, she rubbed her hands against her pants before shifting her bag higher up on her shoulder. She then headed to her car, not looking back up as she went.

*****

The ride was quiet, the radio playing Top 40 Hits in the background without Alex really hearing them. She thought about ordering food on her way, but she shrugged the thought off when she remembered having cereal left at home.

It wasn’t until she was taking the key out of her apartment door that she realized - no milk.

Checking her phone, there were four texts from Kara recounting her latest mission - to make easily carrying six pizza boxes back to her apartment (solely for her and Winn) look normal. Alex managed to crack a smile and let out a quiet chuckle as she read through them. Kara again asked if she was sure she didn’t want to join them; Alex knew she should accept, or at least ask if Kara was free to talk later. She did neither, texting back an emoji response which neither required an actual conversation, nor was as bad as not responding at all.

The apartment was quiet and dark as she set her phone down on the cold countertop. She flicked an overhead light on, flinching at the sudden brightness.

She then wandered into the living room, sitting down gingerly on the firm couch. Leaning back, Alex locked her fingers together and rested her arms against her stomach, staring up vacantly at the ceiling.

Maggie. Vicki. She’d kissed Maggie. Maggie hadn’t wanted her. She’d never had a chance with Vicki.

Kara didn’t need her. Kara had it so much easier, liking boys and being a superhero. Not always having to be perfect. She just was perfect.

Alex knew deep down it wasn’t true. She knew how much Kara had been through to get to where she was today - and even then, her life was far from perfect.

Her thoughts shifted again.

Her dad. Her dad was alive. Kara had seen him alive.

Without warning, her eyes blurred and stung with their sudden filling of tears.

What would he think of her now.

There was a wooshing noise room the outside that suddenly travelled in as her super sister appeared in the apartment.

“You’ve gotta stop doing that, kid,” Alex laughed quietly and humorlessly as sneaker clad feet hit her apartment floor.

“Yeah, well. I’ll stop doing it when you start being honest with me,” Kara chuckled lightly herself. She walked farther into the room so she was in Alex’s line of sight. The moonlight struck her hair just so in the dark apartment, and Alex was reminded with a lurch of how beautiful she was.

“What happened to Winn?” Alex asked, shaking off the fuzzy, disconcerting feelings that always came with being around Kara when she was trying to take care of Alex. When she was out to dinner with Alex. When she was laughing with her on the couch over take out, binge watching yet another tv show.

When she stayed over, when she stole all the covers, when she stole Alex’s heart over and over and over again.

“Winn was more than happy to dig into the pizzas I paid for, and watch my Netflix,” Kara scoffed, nudging at Alex to scoot over. Alex chose to ignore the fact that there was an entire couch to her right, only rolling her eyes lazily and scooting over so there was enough room for Kara to sit, but still have to sit close to her.

Maybe she was going to hell - didn’t matter at this point anyway.

“Alex,” Kara said softly, her closeness surprising Alex in spite of her previous chain of thought. “Talk to me?”

It was so reminiscent of their conversation the other night, when she had cried about Maggie. Kara was always there for her. What did she do to deserve her in this life. If only she could explain how she was feeling now.

“I just…” Alex trailed off. Her feelings for Maggie had been real. They still were real. They had gone out, played pool, even laughed a little bit. It still hurt, but Maggie grounded her in more ways than one about her sexuality. That it was real. That it was okay. That she had someone who understood her.

It had taken a little bit longer for Alex to realize that it wasn’t just Maggie she had wished had understood her feelings more personally.

Kara was watching her, like she always did. She always had, when they were kids to when they were both in high school, to when Alex was home on breaks for college, over Skype when she couldn’t make it home. Even now, when they worked. Trying to make sure Alex was okay, the same way Alex did for her.

She felt so empty now.

“Remember…remember those few weeks in college, when you were working already but I was still just trying to get through final exams,” Kara started, tentatively. Like Alex would get angry like she had the last time.

Alex reached out a hand on Kara’s knee to reassure her; she wasn’t mad at her. Could never be mad at her, truly.

“Yeah?” Alex murmured, thinking back. Kara had been the worst she’d ever seen her. Overwhelmed by yet another new home, being away from Alex for long periods of time and trying to cope with normal college life put Kara into over drive. She had gone AWOL for two weeks, until Alex had driven down one weekend and demanded Kara talk to her. She had lured her out with the promise of ice cream, which almost hadn’t worked and had scared her the most - Kara never turned down a free ice cream. The night had ended with Kara sobbing in Alex’s arms, telling her how much she missed her, and their parents, and her real parents. How college was so much harder than she had been afraid it would be.

“How much I wished I could just disappear,” Kara spoke softly, interrupting Alex’s thoughts. If Alex didn’t know it wasn’t one of her powers, had made Kara swear telepathy wasn’t in the cards for her in the past, she would swear Kara was reading her mind.

“Yeah,” Alex whispered, tears pricking her eyes again.

“I’m wondering if you’re feeling like that now, too,” Kara whispered back.

Alex wanted to scream, wanted to run so far away that no one and everything would be gone forever. She wished things were different, that Kara wasn’t her sister, but at the same time...how could she not be.

They’d almost instantly felt like family, after getting over the initial bumps, but somewhere along the way that had turned into a different type of family for Alex.

Kara would never understand - it was something Alex knew she could never have, and was trying so hard to move past.

What was the point in realizing she was gay, she thought for the millionth time in the past few weeks, if it still wouldn’t allow her to be with any of the people she loved.

Kara was still looking at her, waiting. Alex could only shrug. Depression was a curious thing. It wanted closeness, wanted someone to tell you they loved you again and again. At the same time, it felt like you could never be loved, that it would never be real, that you didn’t deserve that love or that it couldn’t, wasn’t possibly real.

“Hey,” Kara wiped a tear Alex hadn’t felt running down her face away with her thumb. “I love you. I will always love you.”

“I know,” Alex barely got out, her voice cracking on the last word.

She didn’t see the tears in Kara’s own eyes as she pulled her adoptive sister into a hug, holding her tightly as Alex stayed silent, wishing it would never end and wanting desperately to pull away at the same time. Kara knew she needed to be - wanted to be - there for Alex.

All the same, she hated herself for wishing, even for a moment, that some of Alex’s pain was because she felt about Kara how Kara had always felt about her.

Chapter Text

When she woke up the next morning, it was to the rare bird chirping outside her window.  

Alex rolled over, squinting in the sunlight.  Kara was, of course, still there.  Splayed out across the bed, hair trailing out behind her on the pillow, she sighed quietly in her sleep and then went back to breathing slowly and evenly.  Alex pulled her eyes away, feeling a sting at how badly she wanted to just keep watching her.

After they’d sat in the living room in silence, just being together the night before, Kara had held out her hand and Alex had accepted it.  She’d walked the two of them into the bedroom, the same way she did in all of Alex’s dreams, and then tucked her into bed.  

It felt so much like it used to, but completely different, now that Alex knew what she knew at the same time.

Kara had then crawled into her side of the bed, the right side that she always rolled out of in the morning, half asleep and grumbling about coffee even though the caffeine didn’t affect her either way - nor did she actually get overtired the way Alex did.  She turned off the light with a rare burst of super speed for a normal activity, and then rolled over to face Alex in the the dark.

Alex could barely stand to turn over and meet her eyes, but she did all the same.  Kara smiled softly in the dark, held out her arm, and Alex scooted until they were almost nose to nose, their knees bumping up against each other and arms curled into one another in front of them.

“See you in the morning?” Kara asked, the question sounding almost odd since she was sleeping over.  

Alex felt like she knew what she meant, though.  “Yes.  Always.”

Kara let out a breath Alex hadn’t noticed she’d been holding, smiled softly and then shut her eyes.  Alex heard the sounds of her breathing even out almost immediately, and soon she was asleep.

Alex stayed awake at least another hour, alternating between watching Kara sleep and closing her eyes, pretending for just a moment that her fantasies were a reality.

*****

“Whatcha doing?” Kara asked, and Alex jumped at the sudden noise.  She turned back to Kara from where she’d been sitting at the end of the bed, facing the wall and thinking so loud she wasn’t surprised Kara had woken up to the noise.

“Nothing, just thinking about breakfast,” Alex murmured, forcing a small smile.  Kara’s eyes were bright and awake - she never had that sleepy in between phase that most humans always seemed to have.

She only brightened even more at the mention of food.

“Donuts? Waffles? Pancakes and cereal?” the alien mused cheerily, suddenly up and in the doorway.  “Do you want me to invite Winn?” 

A little surprised at herself, Alex found that she did.  “Yeah, go for it.”

In spite of his initial crush on Kara, which really only proved to be hilarious at points once Alex knew Kara wasn’t interested, Alex had found that she and Winn had gotten along surprisingly well.  Maybe it was their shared love of video games, maybe it was their shared love of Kara - whatever it was, Alex didn’t have many friends (platonic ones, at least, she thought to herself and actually let out a strangled laugh) and was pleased she had a found one in Winn.

Kara grinned at Alex. “Okay. I’m going to get food first, then I’ll wake up Winn once we’re good.” She spun away and into the bathroom, the door slamming a little too hard as always and the sounds of a shower turning on and then singing made Alex smile a little brighter.

Not every day would feel like this, but she would take what she could get.

*****

Ten minutes later, Kara was showered, dressed in sweats and heading out the door. Alex waved gently, then fell back into the couch to play her video game of the week.

Her brain graced her with a full half an hour without over thinking anything, and then Kara was back.

“Hey, did you get jelly??” Alex asked regarding the donuts, not looking up from where she was blasting something into a corner, tongue stuck out between her upper front teeth and bottom lip.  There was no response. “Kara!”

She finally paused the game when it came to a save point a few minutes later, looking up and frowning at the sight of only a few large bags she assumed were full of breakfast food.  There were also four coffee cups in a tray (Kara always got two when she wasn’t around other people who would question it), untouched.

Maybe she was calling Winn? 

“Kara?” Alex hollered again, then got up, turning the Xbox and tv off in the process.  

The slight breeze from outside the window behind her alerted her to the crack that had been left open when Kara, she assumed, had gone outside.

“Kara?” Alex asked in a more normal tone of voice, opening the door farther so that she too could walk outside.  She found Kara sitting on the skinny railing on the deck, dangling her legs back and forth with her head down.  “What’s wrong?”

Kara looked up at Alex with soft eyes.

“I need to tell you something,” Kara said quietly, turning her head away again. 

Alex’s heart jumped to her throat, her palms immediately covered in sweat and pulse beginning to race.  She swallowed, and then took a step closer.  “Okay?”

“I don’t know why the coffee made me think of it,” Kara continued, swinging her legs again.  “I think it was because I remembered how grumpy you were the first time I had coffee, that weekend you came to see me, when we realized how much of it I could drink without losing my shit...” - Alex burst out in a laugh at this point - “figuratively...or literally.”  Kara looked up again and couldn’t help but let her face break out in a grin and then laughed, too.  

 “And then I started thinking about how much I loved you, right then, and how I’d always known but at that moment, when we were joking about something so gross and ridiculous but so us, I felt so understood and happy and knew I had to put all my feelings behind me to be there for you, the way I could have you,” Kara trailed off, and Alex stopped smiling slowly.   

“The...way…” Alex couldn’t finish the sentence. 

Kara looked up and her face crinkled into a something between a grimace and a wince.  Like she was about to say something that could make or break them.

Alex didn’t dare to move, other than to blink as Kara shuffled her body on the railing to turn and face Alex a little bit more. 

“I can’t...I feel like, you’re going to hate me,” Kara stumbled out, body folding in on itself as she clutched at the rail.  Alex could hear the wood crack, just a little. 

“I don’t hate you,” Alex responded.  What else could she say?

“I just...I felt so messed up yesterday, and I need to tell you the truth, so you know, at least,” Kara let go of the railing and the air around her shifted a bit as she used her super strength to hold herself steady without falling.

“What are you talking about?” Alex pushed, her hands going to her pockets and pulling towards each other so that her pants bunched funnily.  She didn’t care.  What was Kara saying?

“I was miserable, that you were so miserable yesterday, but...I was happy, too,” Kara spoke slowly.  Alex narrowed her eyes, only for a moment, but Kara saw her and her lips went up on the left side, eyebrows pulling up in the middle.  “I’m sorry.  This is why I wanted to tell you.  I was happy, because I was hopeful...that maybe it meant something I’d been hoping for, for as long as I can remember.”

Alex shrugged once, head tipping to the side and face full of confusion. 

“The way you...the way you look at me, Alex,” Kara rushed out, cheeks turning pink.   

Alex felt like she might explode.

“The way you look at me, makes me want...you so much,” Kara had started to cry.  “Some days, I go along with it and pretend it’s because you want me too.  But other days, I remind myself that it’s ridiculous, that I’m crazy because we’re supposed to be sisters.”

“You’re not crazy,” Alex cut in, and the pain in Kara’s face immediately transformed into something that looked a lot like hope all over again.  Alex stopped after that, though, and so Kara continued. 

“...and then, when you came out to me, about Maggie...you said I was sad, or disappointed.  Maybe both.  I think I was.  I was realizing something about myself that I already knew, but had never mattered enough for any other woman...any one other than you,” Kara blinked quickly to clear her eyes, but didn’t move or look at Alex again.  Alex tried to focus on her breathing - quick breath in, quick breath out. Quick breath in, quick breath out. 

“I knew I said the wrong things, and I didn’t come talk to you not because you said you didn’t want to talk about it anymore...I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to be there for you like I knew I should be.  Because...I’ve been in love with you for so long, Alex.” Kara looked up then, tears running down her face.  Her eyes found Alex who suddenly, astonishingly, felt the world get a little less dark than it had in weeks.  Months.  Maybe years.

“Kara,” was all she could get out, and then Alex took a step closer.  “Kara, I….”

 “I know,” Kara kept crying, starting to sniffle now and wiping her face with her sweatshirt sleeve.  Her glasses slipped down her nose and she yanked them off and tossed them onto the ground.  “I know.  It’s not like that here.  It’s gross here, it’s wrong here -”

 “No, it’s not,” Alex rushed forward, grabbing Kara’s hand.  Kara choked on her breath and then squeezed Alex’s hand as tight as she could without hurting her.  “I was a teenager when we...adopted you, and you were almost one yourself.  It’s not wrong.  I...I get it, though.  Even though I know it isn’t, I feel so messed up too.” 

“For what?” Kara got out between quiet sobs.  

Alex couldn’t breath again, but she forced herself to remember what to do.  Quick breath in, slow breath out.  Slow breath in, slow breath out.

“I...I,” Alex stammered, her heart back in her chest where it belonged.  Blooming with something she had never felt before, but felt like home.  “I love you, too.”

 Kara burst out in a laugh that was half a sob, and then looked to Alex to make sure she was understanding.  She kept laughing when she saw that Alex was laughing, too.  “Are you kidding me?”

“Not this time, kiddo,” Alex laughed through her own happy tears.  “Not in a million years.”

Kara’s hair was, somehow, still ruffled like she had just fallen out of bed all over again.  They were out of the sun, it only filtering through the building and few trees around them.  Alex could see the darker parts, the stray hairs that stuck out at weird angles, and in the middle of all of it, that smile she had always wanted to kiss but had never been able to.

“Can I kiss you?” Alex asked, almost breathless, feeling warm and confused and overwhelmed.

“Please,” Kara whispered back, tears falling again but only because, Alex knew, Kara cried when she was devastated, but also when she was spectacularly full of happiness.

When their lips met for the first time, Alex knew it wouldn’t always be this simple, but it didn’t matter, because Kara knew that too, and Kara loved her anyway.