Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Spring, 2010

Yushi wasn’t great at being around people for too long.

It was his 6th birthday and his parents thought it would be a fun idea to invite the neighborhood kids and some of his classmates from kindergarten to celebrate. He was grateful that they came and gave him a lot of presents, but he couldn’t stand all the attention anymore.

When his mother started slicing the cake, Yushi took the chance to quietly slip out of the house. His mother would surely save a slice for him.

He knew he would get scolded for going out on his own, but there was nowhere in the house he could escape to. He decided he was just going to visit the playground and sit by the swings. Yushi knew his birthday was at the start of spring, when the pretty cherry blossoms started to bloom, and the weather was still cold for him to play outside so he thought no one would be at the playground.

Yushi was wrong, though, as there was already another kid sitting by his favorite seat on the swings. The boy was frowning and kicking the air as his feet barely reached the ground to move the swing.

He wanted to turn around and find another place to hide, but he was scared to stray far away from his house. The other kid looked like he needed help, and Yushi suddenly felt like a hero on his birthday.

“Do you want me to help you push?” Yushi asked in a small voice.

The boy probably didn’t notice him because he was visibly startled when he heard Yushi. His widened eyes blinked a few times before he opened his mouth only to close it again. He seemed confused.

Yushi thought he didn’t hear him so he asked again. The other boy looked like he was struggling with his words. Maybe he wants to be alone?

Yushi realized why he took a long time to answer when he heard the boy’s response.

“Umm, I can’t.. understand many. Sorry. I am Korean.”

Oh. His Japanese was rough, but Yushi got what the other boy meant. Yushi couldn’t even tell that he was a foreigner. 

“It’s okay.” A pause. “Umm, push?” He tried to act out with his arms what he was asking earlier.

The kid on the swing furrowed his brows further but instantly lit up when he understood Yushi’s offer. He nodded eagerly and said, “Yes!”

Yushi tried to fight off a smile at how enthusiastic the response was as he went behind the other boy and started pushing lightly. He thought they were just going to stay like that in silence but the boy began talking.

“My name is Daeyoung.” The boy introduced himself, turning to look back at Yushi.

“I’m Yushi.”

Daeyoung recited his introduction like they were in school. He was 5 years old, his family had moved to Tokyo a month ago, and he was still learning how to speak Japanese. Yushi suddenly remembered his parents talking about a new family who had moved in a few houses from theirs.

Apart from being quiet most of the time, Yushi wasn’t so sure what to share back that would be easy for Daeyoung to understand. But he was feeling hungry, so he asked, “Do you like cake?”

“Huh?” Daeyoung looked back at Yushi, halting the swing.

Yushi repeated slowly, gesturing a make-shift cake in the air. “It’s my birthday today, and we have cake at home.”

He was startled when Daeyoung suddenly jumped off the swing and faced him with sparkling eyes. “Wow, happy birthday! I love cake!”

It was Yushi’s turn to blink this time at how bright Daeyoung’s smile was. Yushi noticed that he had a snaggletooth, and his eyes crinkled with delight.

“Thank you.” Yushi couldn’t help but smile back.

☆════ ⋆★⋆ ════☆

Summer, 2016

“Good job today, everyone!” The soccer team’s coach praised them when the practice game ended.

Yushi gulped down the contents of his water bottle. The sun was already setting but it was still too hot out. He looked up at the sky and wished that it would rain soon. Summer was his least favorite season.

He changed into his clean clothes, irritated at how his sweat had soaked his uniform. He loved playing soccer but he really disliked sweating more than usual due to the weather.

Yushi had already exited the clubhouse when he heard his name. He turned back and saw one of his teammates catching up to him.

“Tokuno-kun! Keito’s treating us to ice cream. Do you wanna come?”

Tempting as it was, Yushi already had plans. “Oh, I can’t. But thanks for inviting me, Sato-kun.”

“Ah, thought so.” Sato grinned, as if he’d expected the response and knew exactly who Yushi’s plans were with. He seemed to spot something behind Yushi, and his grin turned teasing. “He’s here again. Well, see you next week, Tokuno-kun!”

Yushi already knew who Sato saw behind him. He turned around and Daeyoung was already in front of him.

“Yushi hyung!” Daeyoung greeted him excitedly. “How was practice?”

“It was fun.” Yushi answered softly as they started walking down the street, Daeyoung falling in step with him. 

“You know you don’t have to pick me up every time,” Yushi told him matter-of-factly. “I can go home alone.” 

“But I can’t,” Daeyoung replied with a pout, the one that always made Yushi cave into whatever the younger wanted. “I want to walk home with you, hyung.” 

Yushi sighed in defeat but there was a smile playing on his lips. Since they met six years ago, Kim Daeyoung had stuck to his side. It was easy to become friends with him despite the language barrier; everything felt easy when it came to Daeyoung. He was sweet and kind, sincere to a fault, and most importantly, he always gave in to Yushi’s whims.

Yushi used to prefer being alone but he always had the most fun playing with Daeyoung, so much so that he helped the younger boy learn Japanese so they could communicate better.

Once Daeyoung became comfortable with the language, Yushi found out that his friend talked a lot. Other people would assume that Yushi would be repelled by that but it also surprised him how he didn’t seem to mind. He liked listening to Daeyoung’s stories. He also prided himself as Daeyoung’s language teacher (never mind that it was mostly just names of food that Yushi liked to order) so Yushi made it a point to correct him at times.

Daeyoung taught him some Korean words in return. He started calling him “hyung” even though Yushi was only a year older. He didn’t find it necessary, but Daeyoung had insisted. He already got used to it.

“Did your teammates ask to hang out again?”

“Oh, yeah. Someone was going to treat us to ice cream.”

Daeyoung looked apologetic. “You should have joined them. I could go home first.”

Yushi just shrugged. “I don’t really feel like eating ice cream.” Which was a lie because he would never say no to ice cream. But he didn’t want to let Daeyoung walk home alone.

The other boy eyed him suspiciously but didn’t say anything more. Yushi took it as a chance to switch topics and asked Daeyoung about his piano lessons.

“It’s the same, I guess.” Daeyoung looked down at the ground they were walking on. “I’m still struggling with the same piece and I think my teacher’s disappointed.”

“I don’t think he is. You made fewer mistakes when I listened to you the other day.”

“Do you think so?” Daeyoung’s dejected eyes peeked at him.

Yushi nodded. “Just keep at it. It’s still a few months before your recital. I’ll help you practice.”

That made the other chuckle. “You don’t even know how to play, hyung.”

“Hey, I can tell if the music sounds bad. You don’t know, I might be a prodigy.”

Daeyoung just continued chuckling and shook his head. He was happy that he could make his friend smile. The younger one always laughed wholeheartedly at his antics and jokes, no matter how unfunny they were.

They were only a few blocks away from their neighborhood when Daeyoung suddenly stopped walking. 

“Wait here, hyung. I’ll just buy something from the store.”

Daeyoung was already walking towards the store before he could even reply. There was a convenience store on their street, so he wondered what was urgent that Daeyoung had to buy now.

The sun had already set and the air was beginning to cool. He didn’t want to admit it, but this was his favorite part of the day: walking home with Daeyoung. 

Daeyoung was younger by a year but due to early admission when he was still in South Korea, he was already in the same grade as Yushi. They went to different elementary schools, though, so they only got to hang out after school and during the weekends.

But this summer was different. Yushi finally joined the junior soccer team in their town and the field where they practice was near Daeyoung’s music academy. His friend was elated and started walking home with Yushi since the season started. He knew that Daeyoung’s lessons ended at the same time as their soccer practice, but somehow, the younger one would already be there waiting for him first. It made Yushi feel funny in his chest, but he wasn’t sure why so he paid it no mind.

Daeyoung was holding two packages when he got out of the convenience store. Yushi sighed when he recognized what Daeyoung had bought.

“I know you wanted that free ice cream.” Daeyoung held out the strawberry sundae towards Yushi.

“I should be the one treating you since I’m older.” He grumbled, but his hands were already opening the cup.

Daeyoung opened his chocolate sundae as well and smiled teasingly. “You have no money, though. You spent it all on that new game.”

Yushi groaned at the reminder. “Please don’t tell my mom.”

Daeyoung’s laugh echoed through the street as they continued on their way home.

☆════ ⋆★⋆ ════☆

Autumn, 2018

Yushi was barely listening to the teacher as the clock neared noon. He was already so hungry that he could eat a cow, but he could also go for a nap. Maybe he’d do both. 

He almost jumped and cheered when the class was finally dismissed. Most of his classmates started filing out of the room to grab lunch at the cafeteria. He was going out, too, but he had to stop by somewhere first.

He didn’t get far enough, though, because Daeyoung was already on his way to where he was. Why was his friend always one step ahead of him?

“Yushi hyung!” Daeyoung called loudly, which made the other students turn their heads.

Yushi just sighed when they were right in front of each other. “I already saw you. You don’t have to shout.”

“Ah, sorry. Habit. You take too long to notice me sometimes.” Daeyoung smiled sheepishly.

I notice you immediately, every single time. He didn’t dare to voice that one out. “At the rate that you’re growing, it would be hard not to.” He covered it up with a petulant reply.

“Don’t worry, hyung. You’ll grow taller soon.” Daeyoung responded with a snicker.

Yushi just huffed and started making his way outside the building with Daeyoung matching his stride. It still irritated him how his friend had a sudden growth spurt last year and was now half a head taller than Yushi.

They were now attending the same middle school, but as luck would have it, they were split into different classes their first year. It was still funny how Daeyoung had whined for hours when he found out.

For Yushi, he was just happy to be at the same school as his best friend.

Luckily, they still found a vacant table where they could have their lunch. They both took out their packed meals and started eating. Their breaks were mostly filled with exchanging some of their food while Daeyoung caught Yushi up on the latest news around school. Yushi didn’t have much to say, but Daeyoung never seemed to mind.

Yushi listened as his friend complained about the pop quiz they had during Math period. He watched the rapidly changing expressions on Daeyoung’s face and couldn’t help but smile. It was always easy for him to read Daeyoung because the latter’s emotions were transparent. Yushi, however, seldom reacted openly and expressed himself in more subtle ways.

He remembered how Daeyoung pointed out that Yushi took too long to notice him sometimes, and the truth was, Yushi had tried to keep his distance from Daeyoung. It wasn’t that he didn’t like spending time with his friend anymore. In fact, it was the opposite.

Yushi knew that he wasn’t Daeyoung’s only friend. He became more aware of that when they started going to the same school. Daeyoung was amiable, always ready to help anyone. He was fairly popular in their grade and was mostly surrounded by his friends whenever Yushi passed by their classroom.

Yushi had some friends on their soccer team, and a few acquaintances in class, but Daeyoung was still the only one he hung out with outside of school. He was perfectly fine with that.

But there were times when he felt like he was holding Daeyoung back.

Yushi wasn’t blind to how attached Daeyoung was to him over the years. Don’t get him wrong—he was secretly very pleased because he adored Daeyoung as well. The younger always put him first and admired Yushi as if he was someone worth all that.

Yushi wanted it to be just the two of them in their own world, even if he wasn’t exactly sure why, but he knew it wouldn’t be good for Daeyoung.

“Are you listening, hyung?” Daeyoung suddenly interrupted his thoughts.

“Huh? Oh, yeah. That pineapple bread was yummy.”

“You already said that three minutes ago.” Yushi could see how Daeyoung was torn between amusement and exasperation. “I said, our student council meeting was cancelled. And I know you don’t have soccer practice today so, karaoke later?”

Yushi wished they were still talking about the bread. “Fine. But—”

“You’re also singing this time.”

“But I don’t want to. You’re a much better singer than me.” He complained.

“It’s not about who’s better.”

“Wow, you didn’t even deny it.” 

Daeyoung chuckled as he replied, “I’ll buy you ramen later. Let’s just have fun, hyung.”

Well, how could Yushi ever refuse that? The ramen, not Daeyoung (or so he thought).

☆════ ⋆★⋆ ════☆

Summer, 2019

It was already the second day of their 3-day school festival. Yushi worked really hard at the takoyaki stand from the previous day just so he could have free time for today. Daeyoung entered the singing contest and there was no way that Yushi would miss that.

Yushi already knew that Daeyoung had an angelic voice as the latter often dragged him to karaoke after school. After his last piano recital in the sixth grade, Daeyoung switched to vocal lessons. Yushi admired how dedicated Daeyoung was when it came to music.

He felt like a proud mother when Daeyoung started singing on stage and everyone was in awe. Hitting those high notes was a piece of cake for his best friend. It was not surprising that he won first place.

Yushi knew one bottle of water wasn’t enough for Daeyoung so he brought one for him before coming to the auditorium. As soon as the event was over, Yushi hurried to the stage but he was only one lanky boy against an excited crowd.

As soon as his best friend got off the stage, a number of people swarmed him, congratulating Daeyoung and whatever. Yushi stopped on his tracks, not in the mood to squeeze himself into that mess.

Yushi tightened his grip on the bottle he was holding. The water was in danger of bursting out but he didn’t care. Maybe he could use it to splash it over the people surrounding his tall friend right now.

He wanted to be the first one to congratulate Daeyoung. He knew how hard his best friend practiced for the contest, how he almost withdrew due to the pressure and anxiety. He was proud that the people from their school finally recognized Daeyoung’s talent, he really was. And he knew that he was being petty and irrational but there was just one thing he couldn’t stand.

That smile should only be for me.

But when that smile was suddenly directed at him, his annoyance began to dissipate. Daeyoung excused himself from the crowd and jogged towards him.

“I’ve been looking for you, hyung.” Daeyoung approached with a wide grin. “Is that for me?” He pointed at the water bottle that Yushi bought.

“No, I was thirsty.” He initially denied. For what reason, he didn’t know. “But you did great back there, so it’s yours.” Yushi handed him the almost-crushed bottle.

“You could’ve just said yes.” Daeyoung teased. “Thanks, Yushi hyung.”

Yushi couldn’t help but watch as the taller drank it in one go. It was like he was being hypnotized, the way Daeyoung’s Adam's apple bobbed, making the air feel a little bit warmer. Yushi had to look down.

“Did I really do great, hyung?” Daeyoung eventually asked and he was grateful to be distracted from his weird thoughts.

Daeyoung’s eyes were wide and eager, surely expecting praise from his favorite hyung. But Yushi heard a tinge of nervousness from his tone and he melted a little.

“Isn’t it obvious from the hundreds of fans who cheered for you?” He gestured to the crowd behind them. “You even won first place.”

“But I want to hear it from you.” Sometimes, Yushi couldn’t handle how straightforward Daeyoung was. It made him feel restless.

But Daeyoung was waiting with a patient gaze and Yushi knew how much his words meant to the other.

“You were amazing.” Yushi admitted softly, a smile on his lips. “I’m so proud of you.”

Yushi expected Daeyoung to wear the brightest grin in the world as he usually did whenever Yushi praised him so he was alarmed when Daeyoung’s eyes welled with tears.

“Daeng, what’s wrong?” He asked worriedly.

“It’s nothing.” Daeyoung covered his eyes with the back of his palm and Yushi heard a sniff. “I’m just happy.”

Daeyoung had probably let go of the stress he felt while preparing for the contest so his emotions were all over the place.

Yushi patted his arm before pulling Daeyoung’s hand away from his face. “Let’s go, Daeng.”

“Ah, I must look like a mess.”

“Yeah, you don’t look good crying.”

“Can’t you just comfort me, hyung?” Daeyoung whined.

Yushi giggled quietly. “I’ll treat you to some takoyaki.” He just noticed that he didn’t let go of Daeyoung’s hand. With some courage deep within him, he intertwined their fingers.

Daeyoung never pulled away.

☆

During the last day of the festival, Yushi and Daeyoung walked around the school together. They watched the play that Daeyoung was excited about, and then visited the photography club’s exhibit. Daeyoung even bought him a picture of an orange cat that had “a very Yushi-like vibe”, whatever that meant.

Outside visitors were allowed on the last day which made the school more packed than usual. The idea was suffocating to Yushi but with Daeyoung by his side, breathing was easier.

They sat under the shade of a tree after experiencing the school festival to the fullest. They almost made themselves sick with how much food they stuffed inside them so they had to take a break. It was already late afternoon and the stalls were starting to close up so the students could prepare for the fireworks in the evening.

Yushi basked in the quiet buzz of the distant crowd as he closed his eyes. He could feel Daeyoung’s side leaning against him and it made him feel at ease.

He was halfway through dreamland when he heard another person’s voice. His eyes shot open and there was a girl standing right in front of them.

She fidgeted with the hem of her blouse, her gaze solely directed at Daeyoung like Yushi wasn’t even there. “Umm, Daeyoung senpai,” the girl started. “Can I talk to you?”

“Huh?” Daeyoung was confused. His head turned towards Yushi, but the latter’s stare remained at the girl.

Yushi was afraid of what he would see on Daeyoung’s face.

“Is it alright, hyung?” Daeyoung asked.

It was as if the girl just noticed Yushi and looked at him as well. This was starting to annoy him.

“Just go.” Yushi replied and closed his eyes again, pretending to go back to sleep.

He could feel Daeyoung’s hesitation. Why did he ask Yushi first, anyway? It wasn’t his business whoever Daeyoung wanted to talk to.. or dated. Because the girl sounded like she was going to confess her feelings to his best friend.

“Okay.” Daeyoung said after a while. “I’ll be back.”

Don’t bother. Yushi heard their footsteps going further away. After a few minutes, Yushi opened his eyes and left the tree as well. He didn’t want to still be there when Daeyoung would come back and tell Yushi that he finally had a girlfriend.

Yushi speed-walked through the festivities with no destination in mind. He just didn’t want to face Daeyoung right now. Should he just go home? What was wrong with him?

He didn’t own Daeyoung nor control his decisions, no matter how much Daeyoung relied on Yushi. At the back of his mind, Yushi had always known that one day his best friend would find someone to date. He should be okay with that.

But he wasn’t and he was being a coward about it. Daeyoung had always been supportive of Yushi, and had been nothing but kind ever since they were little kids. He should be happy for him. Was he envious that Daeyoung was the first one to get a girlfriend between them? No, he wasn’t even interested in dating anyone.

Or.. was he scared of losing Daeyoung to someone else?

Daeyoung wasn’t the kind of person who would abandon his friends for his girlfriend; he knew that. Their friendship was stronger than that. Then what was Yushi’s problem? Why was he being so stupid about this?

Yushi stopped walking and took a deep breath. It was getting darker and the students were starting to settle in their spots to watch the fireworks.

He could imagine Daeyoung’s disappointed face once he went back to the tree and found that Yushi was gone. His chest tightened with guilt, so he started to retrace his steps. He didn’t want to be the one to ruin their friendship before he was even sure of anything.

But when he got back to their tree, no one was there. The yard was empty because the fireworks couldn’t be viewed properly in that area. Did Daeyoung decide to watch the fireworks with his new girlfriend? Did he already forget about Yushi?

He jumped when he heard the boom from a distance. So the show had already started. He lifted up his head, but he could only see a part of the illuminated sky because there was a tall building blocking the view.

This sucks. He really wanted to watch the fireworks display with his best friend. Maybe he should just leave—

“Hyung!”

Yushi turned around and there was Daeyoung, running towards him. He was always at ease with Daeyoung but as the latter came closer with a desperate look on his face, something had started to stir in his chest.

His best friend stopped in front of him and tried to catch his breath. “Hyung,” Daeyoung stooped down and looked straight into Yushi’s eyes. Even in the darkness, he could feel the intensity of his gaze. “Where did you go? I looked for you but there were so many people. I was running in circles so I decided to just go back here—”

“You looked for me.” Yushi whispered in a daze.

“What?” The sound of the fireworks made it hard for Daeyoung to hear what he said.

Yushi took advantage of the loud, booming sounds of the fireworks as it burst more vibrantly than the last. “You actually went back for me.” He said, almost in disbelief of what unfolded in front of him.

Yushi should be glad that Daeyoung was here, but he still needed answers so he blurted out, “Should I congratulate you? Are you dating her?”

His best friend heard him this time and began to look confused. “Are you asking about Azumi-san?”

So she has a name now? The unreasonable part of him came back. He wanted to be mad but he managed to keep himself calm.

“Isn’t she younger than us? Is that your type?”

Or so he thought, because he couldn’t stop himself from spouting nonsense. “Well, maybe she’s cute but you know she only likes you because you’re tall and nice and won that contest yesterday. I have to give her points for bravery but kids these days, how could they ask someone they barely know—”

“I turned her down.”

Oh, thank goodness Daeyoung cut off his rambling. He was spiraling internally and he might have embarrassed himself if Daeyoung hadn’t stopped him. But, wait—

“You.. you turned her down?”

Daeyoung nodded as he stood up straight. “As you said, hyung, I don’t really know her. And.. I’m not really interested in dating.”

Yushi didn’t really know how to feel about that last part. “You aren’t?”

Daeyoung tilted his head and eyed him suspiciously. “Why do you sound disappointed, hyung? Are you bothered that I didn’t say yes?”

“No!” Yushi answered a little too quickly. “I mean, I guess given the opportunity, you would…”

“I wouldn’t. I mean..” Daeyoung sighed in frustration, like he didn’t know how to explain himself. “I wouldn’t just date anyone.”

Yushi wasn’t sure how to respond so he just nodded.

“How about you, hyung?”

“Huh?”

“Is there someone you would like to date?”

For the first time in his life, Yushi couldn’t read the expression on Daeyoung’s face. He gave nothing away and was just patiently waiting for Yushi’s answer. Somehow, it made him nervous.

“No.” He finally responded. “I’m also not interested.. in that. Or anyone.”

Daeyoung just nodded and for a second he looked disappointed, but the poor lighting made it difficult to be certain. The atmosphere was starting to feel awkward and that was weird when it came between them. Daeyoung and Yushi had never been awkward.

“Ah, well,” Daeyoung spoke after a brief silence. “Dating is just hanging out with someone, right?”

Yushi was going to retort that it was definitely much more than that but his best friend added, “And I already have you for that.” There was a soft smile on his face. “You’re the only one I want to spend time with, Yushi hyung.”

Yushi was rendered speechless. What did Daeyoung mean by that aside from the literal sense of the words? Was he hinting at something else? Did Yushi really want to find out? His heart started racing and he suddenly found it difficult to meet Daeyoung’s gaze. He knew he should say something but he couldn’t find the right words that could explain what he was feeling at the moment.

“It’s already over.” Daeyoung interrupted his hyperactive thoughts once again. “Too bad we missed the fireworks.”

Yushi felt like he missed something else. But he couldn’t keep up with his emotions so he decided to set them aside from now. He took a deep breath and released it as he watched the lingering smoke in the sky. “We can catch them again next time.”

☆════ ⋆★⋆ ════☆

Winter, 2020

“You suck so bad, Daeyoung.” Sakuya snickered as he killed off Daeyoung’s character on the screen.

Daeyoung groaned pathetically and buried his face into Yushi’s shoulder. “Hyung, the kids are ganging up on me.”

“But you’re really bad at the game, Daeng.” Yushi didn’t have time to appease Daeyoung’s bruised ego because he wanted to defeat his stupid cousin Sakuya and his stupid cousin’s friend first.

“You should just go out and buy us some food, Daeyoung.” Ryo, his stupid cousin’s friend, cackled after killing off Daeyoung’s character again just as it respawned.

His best friend whined like a kicked puppy and threw the controller somewhere at the other side of the couch. Yushi stilled when Daeyoung suddenly clung to his right arm. “This game is too hard. Kick their asses for me, hyung.”

Yushi dared to turn his head and look down at Daeyoung. He wanted to curse out loud. Daeyoung was staring up at him with that adorable pout and those stupid puppy dog eyes. For a boy so tall, how could Daeyoung make himself small when he was beside Yushi?

His throat suddenly felt dry but he needed to maintain composure. They couldn’t lose this game. “Then stop distracting me, Daeng. I don’t want to lose my allowance.” He forced himself to look back at the screen. Damn, his character almost got caught in a trap.

“I’ll cheer for you!” Daeyoung sounded too giddy for someone who just lost a game.

“Are you two done flirting? Can we go back to the game?” Sakuya asked impatiently.

Yushi just kept mum as he pretended to ignore Sakuya’s question. It wasn’t the first time that his cousin assumed that there was something more than friendship between him and Daeyoung. He always denied it because there was really nothing more, no matter how close they were. They had known each other for years so that would be weird, right?

Daeyoung just laughed as usual, like he found the idea absurd or something. They never talked about it. Maybe it was better that way and just wait until Sakuya grew tired of poking fun at them.

After that, however, Yushi’s mind wasn’t on the game anymore and he eventually lost. Should he just kick Sakuya out of the house?

Yushi was still grumbling about his defeat as they walked towards the nearby bakery. He hung back as Daeyoung chatted excitedly with Sakuya and Ryo about what pastries they would force Yushi to buy for them.

Yushi started high school that year with Daeyoung. They both transferred to an all-boys school that was a few train stations away from their neighborhood. Finally, they were assigned to the same class and Daeyoung seemed like the happiest person in the world.

(Yushi was the same, but he would never admit that to anyone.)

That year, Sakuya also moved to Tokyo for middle school and was currently living with Yushi’s family. Ryo was Sakuya’s classmate and the first friend he made after transferring to the city.

Daeyoung only met Sakuya once before, when his cousin visited for summer vacation but the three of them looked like they had been friends for years. Yushi was glad to see them getting along so well. It was also amusing how Daeyoung doted on the younger ones, despite the constant teasing towards him.

“What’s on your mind, hyung?”

Yushi didn’t notice immediately that Daeyoung had slowed his pace to match Yushi’s. They were now walking side by side.

“I’m thinking of how I could crush Sakuya next time.”

Daeyoung chuckled. “I think Saku-chan’s better at the game though so—”

Yushi craned his neck to glare at the other. “What did you say?”

Daeyoung panicked and tried to retract his statement. “What I meant was, Saku-chan already played the game before so he’s already used to it and knows more combos and… but overall, you’re still the best, hyung!”

Yushi held his stare a few seconds longer just to make Daeyoung sweat before he nodded. “Yeah, I’m still the best.”

Daeyoung exhaled in relief and Yushi tried to hold in his laugh. It was too easy to keep him on edge.

The cold breeze passed as they continued walking. Yushi rubbed his hands together to keep himself from freezing. He was bundled up but it seemed like he lacked one more layer of clothing.

It didn’t even surprise Yushi when Daeyoung wrapped an arm around his shoulders and pulled him closer to his side. Yushi automatically leaned his head against Daeyoung’s shoulder, seeking more of his warmth. Daeyoung’s free hand grabbed one of Yushi’s and tucked it inside his coat pocket. It still fascinated him how big Daeyoung’s hands were compared to his.

“I told you to wear gloves before we left.” Daeyoung chided him. Yushi just hummed, pretty content with his human heatpack. It was a bit of a challenge to walk so close together but he didn’t mind.

“Ugh, they’re cuddling again.” He heard Ryo complain.

“Just ignore them,” Sakuya replied. “We just need them to pay for the food.”

“I’ll be generous because this will be the last time.” Yushi couldn’t stop himself from retorting.

His cousin chortled at him. “Yeah, with Daeyoung as your teammate, I wouldn’t count on it, Yuu-chan.”

“Hey! It was just my first time playing!” Daeyoung tried to defend himself.

“You really do need to practice, Daeng.”

“Not you, too, hyung.”

Yushi giggled quietly. “Don’t worry, I got you.”

He couldn’t see the other’s face, but Yushi could hear the smile on Daeyoung’s voice. “I know.”

☆════ ⋆★⋆ ════☆

Summer, 2021

Maeda Riku was a new addition to the class during their second year. He was pretty well-known around school as the star player of the volleyball team. They were just acquaintances at the start of term but after Riku got assigned to a science project with Yushi and Daeyoung, they became fast friends.

“You know what you should do, Yuu-chan?” Riku asked one sunny afternoon. They had free period and Riku was lounging in the seat in front of Yushi. Riku’s assigned seat was on the other side of the room.

“What.” Yushi replied flatly. He was trying to finish copying Daeyoung’s homework before the next class. He didn’t have time for Riku’s antics.

“You should dye your hair blonde.” Riku suggested. “Or pink. I think it would suit you.”

“Yushi hyung? Blonde?” Daeyoung perked at the side. Yushi could feel his stare, probably imagining how Yushi would look after damaging his hair. “Yeah, I could see it.”

“Right?” Riku turned his attention towards Daeyoung. “What do you say, Daeng? Let’s dye Yushi’s hair during summer break.”

“Do you know how, Rikkun?” Daeyoung asked.

“Yes!” Riku answered eagerly. “My sisters ask me to help them every time and I also tried it on myself. Do you want me to try it on you, too, Daeng?”

“Oh, I don’t think I’ll look good with bright colors.” Daeyoung replied sheepishly.

“I doubt that. I think you look good in anything.”

There was something in Riku’s voice that made Yushi look up from his notes. Riku had always been generous with giving people compliments but it was somehow different when it came to Daeyoung.

Riku was gazing fondly at Daeyoung but his best friend had a dumb look on his face, probably oblivious to the sweet undertone of Riku’s words.

“You’re too kind, Rikkun.” His stupid best friend just waved off the compliment.

Yushi was starting to get irritated by whatever was happening in front of him. 

“Are we even allowed to dye our hair?” He forced himself into the conversation just to remind them he was still there.

Riku turned his attention back to Yushi. “It’s just over the break. We’ll dye it back to black before we go back to class. So, blonde or pink?”

“None.”

“You’re no fun, Yuu-chan.” Riku pouted. “I think you’ll look really cute.”

Yushi sighed tiredly. “I don’t want to look cute.”

“Daeng, help me convince him.” Yushi’s eyes zeroed in on the way Riku’s hands wrapped around Daeyoung’s arm to shake him weakly. Riku had always been touchy and friendly, something that took time for Yushi to get used to, but it bothered him how Daeyoung just welcomed it.

Daeyoung laughed. “I think it would be fun to try, hyung.”

Yushi just shook his head and went back to his homework. Nothing could sway him.

And that was why a few weeks later, he was sitting in front of his bathroom sink, rethinking his life choices. Riku was able to wear him out so here he was, hair dripping pink after rinsing.

“I look like bubblegum that someone spat out.” Yushi complained.

He could see in the mirror that Riku was trying to stop himself from laughing. But Yushi glared at his reflection and Riku wasn’t able to hold it in anymore.

“It’s not done yet!” Riku held his stomach as he howled with laughter. Yushi was not amused so Riku tried to compose himself and cleared his throat. “I still need to dry your hair.”

“I don’t think that will make much of a difference. It’s too bright!”

Riku squeezed himself in front of Yushi and grabbed his face as he looked down at him. “It will wash off in a few days.”

Yushi was caught off guard by the sudden proximity. Riku was inspecting his hair so Yushi had no choice but to stare at his friend. There was a playful smile on Riku’s lips, his eyes still bright with mirth. The way that the bathroom light reflected on Riku’s hair made it look like he was glowing.

Yushi’s throat suddenly felt too dry and there was only one word that repeated in his mind.

Pretty.

Riku was so dazzling in this angle and he was unable to look away. It was not helping that his hands were soft and gentle as they touched Yushi’s flaming cheeks.

“I don’t think I missed any spots.” Riku reached for the hair dryer beside the sink and Yushi almost whined at the loss of his touch. Involuntarily, he grasped Riku’s arm which made the latter look at him.

“Yuu-chan? Are you okay?”

Riku met his gaze and Yushi had lost the ability to speak. He audibly swallowed in fear that he would blurt out something stupid.

“The store was out of the pudding you liked, hyung.”

They were both startled by the door opening. Daeyoung went out to buy them some snacks earlier. He was rummaging inside the plastic bag full of Yushi’s snacks as he entered the bathroom. Daeyoung looked up and his eyes spotted Yushi’s hand that was holding Riku’s arm. Yushi felt the urge to move back from Riku, like he was caught doing something that he shouldn’t.

Daeyoung looked between the two of them, probably sensing the weird vibe but Yushi’s outrageous hair thankfully distracted him.

“Wow, hyung!” His best friend didn’t even have the courtesy to hold back his laughter as he doubled over. “You look great!”

“Save it, Daeyoung.” Yushi snapped.

Riku joined in with a chuckle. “It doesn’t look that bad, Yuu-chan. You’re just not used to it yet.”

“Yeah, hyung. This way it won’t be hard to find you.”

Yushi was still pissed but he couldn’t stay mad for too long, not when he was the one who made his two favorite people laugh. He watched Riku a little bit longer, though, his mind still reeling with the moment they had earlier.

☆════ ⋆★⋆ ════☆

Autumn, 2021

Yushi finally admitted to himself that he was attracted to boys one day when he watched Riku’s volleyball game. Maybe he had always known but he never acknowledged it until that day when he almost drooled at the sight of Riku’s toned arms.

It was just an innocent crush, helpless with Riku’s charm. Riku was just really pretty and really good at volleyball and Yushi was just a weak teenage boy.

“Rikkun is really amazing.” He heard Daeyoung say beside him.

“Yeah, his biceps look nice.”

“What?”

“What?” Yushi was pulled out of his trance when he realized he spoke that out loud. “I mean, he’s the ace for a reason.”

Daeyoung narrowed his gaze at Yushi. “That’s not what you said.”

He tittered nervously. “It’s what I said. Let’s just watch the game.”

Yushi returned his gaze to the court but he could feel Daeyoung watching him instead. He fidgeted for a few minutes before he finally gave in. “Okay, fine. I said Riku’s biceps look nice. What about it?”

Yushi thought that Daeyoung would make fun of him but when he looked at his best friend, there was a troubled look on his face. “Daeng?”

“Do you like Riku?”

Yushi was taken aback. He would never get used to Daeyoung’s direct way of addressing things. “What?” He tried to grasp words. “Riku is.. I just think he’s great. I mean, he’s attractive, right? Don’t you think so as well?”

Daeyoung didn’t look too happy with his reply. “Just say yes or no, hyung.”

“Yes?” Yushi answered uncertainly. He didn’t know what Daeyoung wanted to hear from him. “He’s a good friend.”

“That’s not what I—” Daeyoung took a deep breath. “Okay, then do you like him more than me?”

“Huh?” His eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “That’s different.”

“How is that–” Daeyoung paused, then sighed in frustration. He ran a hand through his hair as he mumbled, “Fine. Whatever.”

“Daeyoung, why are you—”

The gym suddenly erupted in cheers as Riku’s team won the game. Yushi stood up from his seat along with everyone else. He turned back to his best friend to continue his question but Daeyoung spoke first.

“Let’s go congratulate Riku.”

There was a stoic look on Daeyoung’s face, which meant that he didn’t want to continue their conversation. Yushi knew better than to push him. He trailed behind Daeyoung’s bigger frame as they went down the bleachers.

Daeyoung was a fast walker but he always matched his pace with Yushi. This time, though, his best friend didn’t even look back. 

☆════ ⋆★⋆ ════☆

Spring, 2022

Yushi almost dropped his Switch on his face when the doorbell rang. He cursed out loud as he scrambled up from the couch. He was on a winning streak so he didn’t appreciate getting interrupted.

He rolled his eyes when he opened the door. “Seriously, Daeng? You decided to ring the doorbell now after 12 years?’

“Surprise!” Daeyoung said loudly with a wide grin on his face. “Happy birthday, Yushi hyung!”

Yushi scoffed but he smiled nonetheless. “Just get inside.” 

“That’s part of your birthday surprise.” His best friend gleefully explained as he toed off his shoes at the entrance. “Me finally listening and not just barging in your room as you have always complained about.”

“You still startled me, idiot.”

“It’s not my fault you’re too jumpy.”

“Yeah, yeah. Blame the victim.”

Yushi went straight to the kitchen and Daeyoung followed behind. “Mom left us some food here and Sakuya bought me strawberry cake before he went off to Ryo’s.”

“It’s too bad they won’t be able to celebrate with us tonight.” Daeyoung sadly stated.

“It’s fine.” His parents had to work late that night and his cousin had some important project to work on. “Do you want to eat now?”

Yushi was about to open the fridge when Daeyoung grabbed his shoulder. “Wait, hyung. Let me give you your present first.”

“Hmm?” Yushi faced Daeyoung and noticed the package on his hand. “I told you that you don’t have to buy me a gift this year.”

“And I told you that it’s for me to decide.”

“But it’s my birthday—”

It was Daeyoung’s turn to roll his eyes. “Just open the gift, hyung.” He pushed the gift into Yushi’s hands.

Yushi sighed in resignation, acting like he was the one doing his best friend a favor by accepting the gift. Secretly, he was delighted that Daeyoung never forgot to give him a present every year.

Since their first meeting, Tokuno Yushi had always celebrated his birthday with Kim Daeyoung.

Yushi unwrapped the package slowly just to tease the other who seemed more excited than the celebrant. When he finally uncovered the gift, his eyes widened in surprise. “Wait..” He looked up at Daeyoung. “How did you get this?”

It was the ultimate edition of Yushi’s favorite game. It had a limited pre-release last month but Yushi missed it because he was too busy studying for his final exams. He had already accepted that he wouldn’t be able to get his hands on it until next year.

Daeyoung looked very pleased with himself. “I know you missed to sign up for the preorder so I lined up at the store during the release date just in case they have extras.”

“They don’t have extras unless there are cancellations and you have to line up very early..” Yushi’s eyes widened in disbelief. “You really did that?”

With a sheepish chuckle, his best friend rubbed the back of his neck and averted his gaze. “It’s not a big deal.”

But to Yushi, it was. More than the game itself, Daeyoung’s efforts to get it for Yushi made him feel giddy. His hand reached out to tug at Daeyoung’s sleeve, asking the latter to look at him again. “Daeng?”

Daeyoung turned back reluctantly. “Hyung, I’m used to waking up earlier now–”

“Thank you,” Yushi flashed him a toothy grin. “I really appreciate it.”

Daeyoung seemed to relax and a soft smile slowly bloomed on his face. “I’m glad.”

They just stood there for some time, staring at each other with matching smiles on their faces that turned to quiet chuckles. Yushi knew they were both relieved that they were on the same page again.

Things were awkward between them for a while after that volleyball game when Yushi accepted his sexuality. They didn’t talk about it, mostly because Yushi would run away whenever Daeyoung tried to bring it up. He was glad that Riku was there to be a buffer between them but Yushi wondered if Riku noticed the weird tension. If he did, he never pointed it out.

His crush towards Riku also fizzled out after a few months. Sure, he still found Riku attractive but it wasn’t like Yushi wanted something to happen between them. Those feelings weren’t that strong to warrant a relationship.

Besides, Yushi knew that Riku only had eyes for Daeyoung. During the weeks when Yushi avoided his best friend, Daeyoung and Riku had gotten closer. Even when the three of them were together, Yushi withdrew from the conversation and left the other two in their own world.

However, Yushi didn’t know if Daeyoung reciprocated Riku’s feelings. He wasn’t sure if his best friend was just too naive or was just too good in hiding his feelings. 

Yushi never asked.

Once Yushi got over his crush on Riku, things became easier and he started to be normal around his friends again. Daeyoung didn’t mention it again and they slowly went back to their usual dynamic.

And that was how Daeyoung was still here on his eighteenth birthday, his smile still as bright as the day they met. The only difference was that Daeyoung’s snaggletooth was gone now (something Yushi dearly missed) and he was already a head taller than Yushi (something Yushi still griped about).

The sun was setting outside. Sunlight streamed through the kitchen window and bathed Daeyoung in a dreamlike glow. Yushi found it hard to breathe. He couldn’t explain the sudden rush of emotions stirring inside him. There had to be a strange look on his face because Daeyoung raised his eyebrows in question. 

Ah, Daeyoung looked adorable like that. He only invited his best friend for dinner to celebrate with him but another idea sprung on his mind.

“Daeng?”

“Hmm?”

“Want to sleep over?”

☆

“Okay, that’s it. I’m going home!” Daeyoung declared grumpily before tossing the controller aside and stomping his way out of Yushi’s room.

“Wait, Daeng! You forgot something.”

Daeyoung stopped on his tracks. “What?”

“This.” Yushi’s character in the game dropped a bomb on Daeyoung’s. He rolled on his bed, laughing out loud at Daeyoung’s defeat.

“Haha, very funny, hyung. Good night.” His best friend grumbled sarcastically as he left the room.

Yushi wiped the tears from his eyes after laughing too much and went to chase the other. “Daeyoung, come back here.”

Well, Yushi didn’t have to go too far because Daeyoung just stood there outside, sulking. Yushi wanted to coo at how cute Daeyoung looked, his lower lip jutting out in a pout. “We’ll play another game.”

“No, you’re just making fun of me.”

Yushi couldn’t help but laugh again. “Because you’re so fun to tease.”

Daeyoung shot him a glare. “You’re lucky it’s your birthday, hyung.”

“And if it wasn’t?”

Daeyoung suddenly stood taller on his feet and towered over Yushi. He didn’t even notice that Daeyoung was slouching earlier because his best friend had a tendency to stoop down so he could be eye-level with Yushi.

Yushi gulped nervously as Daeyoung’s gaze bore on him. He always got away with teasing or baiting his best friend and Daeyoung would just sulk and whine so this was entirely new to him.

The taller one took a sudden step towards him that Yushi had to take a step back but Daeyoung was quick to grab his forearm and keep him in place. They basically shared the same breath with how close their faces were and Yushi found himself waiting in.. anticipation? His heart raced too fast. He knew he should pull away and burst whatever bubble this was but he didn’t make a single move.

Yushi’s eyes almost fluttered close but the next thing he knew Daeyoung’s large hands were on his face, squeezing his cheeks.

“Ah, I couldn’t really get mad at you, hyung. You’re too cute.” Daeyoung chuckled as he continued smooshing Yushi’s face.

“It hurts! Stop it.” He tried to complain but it came out as a mumble.

“Then you should stop messing with me.” Daeyoung took his hands from Yushi’s face and ruffled his hair instead. “I’ll really get mad next time.”

Yushi lifted a brow skeptically. “No, you wouldn’t.”

“Yeah, I won’t.” His best friend sighed. “Let’s just play another game. An easier one.”

Daeyoung went back to his room first but Yushi remained standing in the hallway. He tried to play it cool but his heart hadn’t slowed down yet. He kept replaying the way Daeyoung looked at him, the soft grip of his large hand on Yushi’s thin arm and how much Yushi wanted to close that distance.

Something had shifted between them and Yushi didn’t know what to do about it.

☆

It was already two in the morning when they decided to turn in and get under the covers. Daeyoung didn’t mind sleeping on the floor but Yushi used the birthday card again (even if it was already over) and insisted that Daeyoung slept on the bed, too. The weather was still too cold to be sleeping on the floor and Yushi didn’t want to find a corpse when he woke up.

So there they were, cramped beside each other on Yushi’s double bed, their knees bumping against each other because Daeyoung had to bend his so his feet wouldn't dangle off the bed.

Yushi tried to steady his breathing, thoughts of what transpired earlier in the hallway still flashed behind closed eyes. They were wearing pajamas but Yushi could feel the heat of Daeyoung’s skin where they touched and he was slowly losing his mind.

Stop being so weird about it. He chided himself. Daeyoung is lying beside you on your bed and he doesn’t seem bothered by it.

Yushi was debating whether he should just slam his head against the wall so he could fall asleep when Daeyoung whispered into the darkness.

“Hyung? Are you awake?”

“No.”

Daeyoung giggled. “I could hear you thinking.”

“So you have powers now?” He quipped before shivering involuntarily. It seemed like the air turned colder.

Yushi heard the sheets rustle and almost jumped on his skin when Daeyoung found his hands. “Your hands are always cold.”

Yushi finally opened his eyes. He watched as Daeyoung rubbed their hands together. His hands were always warm.

He was thankful for the streetlight outside because it illuminated a part of Daeyoung’s face. His eyes already looked sleepy but Yushi knew Daeyoung was trying to stay awake with him.

“Thank you, Daeng.” Yushi whispered.

“Hmm? Well, I told you not to open the windows earlier—”

“No. I mean, thank you. For everything.”

Daeyoung’s eyes softened as he squeezed Yushi’s hands. “I should be the one thanking you, hyung.”

“For what?” He asked quietly. “You’re the one who gave me gifts today.”

“Well, for everything, too.” Daeyoung paused for a while, like he was gathering his thoughts. “For letting me be your friend all these years. It was really hard for me when we moved here from Korea so I was really happy when you approached me at the playground. I can’t believe my luck that you’re still here with me after 12 years.”

They were shrouded in darkness but Yushi clearly saw the way Daeyoung’s eyes shone when he said, “You’re one of the best things that happened to me, Yushi hyung.”

Yushi looked at Daeyoung like he was seeing him for the first time. He was so full of tenderness for Daeyoung that he pulled their hands closer to his chest. "Don’t make me cry on my birthday, Daeyoung.”

His best friend laughed sleepily. “Your birthday was yesterday.” He took one of his hands from Yushi’s crushing hold so he could place it on Yushi’s cheek and softly caressed it with his thumb. “Good night, hyung.”

Yushi watched as Daeyoung’s eyes slowly closed and fell fast asleep. He mulled over Daeyoung’s words earlier and Yushi wanted to tell him that he was wrong. Yushi was the lucky one to have Kim Daeyoung in his life.

Daeyoung had always thought of Yushi as the reliable one, but he wouldn't be so well off without Daeyoung either. Yushi knew he was a quiet kid; he didn’t exactly find it easy to make friends when he started in school. He just had a sudden burst of courage when he decided to befriend Daeyoung. And that was probably one of the best decisions he made in his life.

Daeyoung’s enthusiasm eased Yushi’s hesitation to come out of his shell. His best friend’s sincerity made it easier for him to express himself. Daeyoung never missed any soccer game where Yushi played, always made sure that Yushi’s hands were warm during cold days and knew all of Yushi’s favorite foods by heart.

Daeyoung had always been there for him and Yushi couldn’t imagine what his life would have been like without him.

Yushi smiled fondly at Daeyoung’s sleeping face and moved closer towards him. Most of the baby fat on Daeyoung’s cheeks were gone which gave way for sharper features on his face. He was so used to seeing his best friend everyday that he didn’t immediately notice how handsome Daeyoung had become over the years.

He wasn’t able to stop himself from tracing a finger on Daeyoung’s nose, cheeks and down to his lips. His heart thumped hard against his chest at the thought of those plump lips against—

Yushi pulled away his hand like he was burned. He was surprised at the sudden turn of his thoughts but if he had to be honest to himself, it wasn’t the first time. Daeyoung was his best friend and he didn’t want to ruin that so he buried those desires deep inside him.

But Yushi didn’t want to fight it anymore. He couldn’t keep pretending that his feelings for Daeyoung didn’t turn into something else over the years. He laughed quietly at himself, baffled at how stupid he had been.

He was in love with Kim Daeyoung.

He wanted to cry and scream and wake Daeyoung up to tell him but he was still so scared. He knew he was special to the younger but he wasn’t sure if those feelings were the same as his.

Yushi inched closer once again. He poked Daeyoung’s cheek and whispered ever so softly, “I love you, Daeng. Do you know that?”

Daeyoung’s face scrunched up and for a split second, Yushi thought that his best friend was awake. But Daeyoung’s breathing remained calm and Yushi was sure that he was still deep in sleep.

Yushi closed his eyes as he nuzzled his cheek against the other’s chest. He could hear Daeyoung’s heartbeat and it lulled him to a peaceful slumber.

He decided to keep his feelings to himself for now. Just for a little while.

☆════ ⋆★⋆ ════☆

Summer, 2022

Yushi couldn’t contain himself anymore. He ran through the hallways, climbed up numerous flights of stairs and tried hard not to shout his feelings out for the whole school to hear.

It was already his last year in high school but he was finally appointed as captain of the soccer team. It was a very crucial role right now with the upcoming regional games and he was scared but he was also very excited for it.

Yushi was so happy that he wanted Daeyoung to be the first one to know. And perhaps, finally tell Daeyoung how Yushi was very much in love with him.

Keeping it to himself for the last three months was the hardest thing that Yushi ever had to do. He couldn’t stop himself from staring too long at Daeyoung’s handsome face, often daydreaming about how cute they would be as boyfriends. Sometimes he had to close his fists too tight because his hands had a mind of their own and would find any excuse just to touch Daeyoung.

It was getting out of hand that he had to force himself to put a visible space between them at times just to keep himself in check. Daeyoung certainly found it odd but he was already used to Yushi’s eccentricity.

But that was all over now. He didn’t want to hide anymore. He had a strong feeling that this was the perfect day to confess.

It was already after-school hours and he knew that Daeyoung was still in the music room. They still went home together, sometimes with Riku, even though their club practices ended at different times. More often than not, Daeyoung’s ended first and he would wait for Yushi at the field.

Maybe Daeyoung got too engrossed playing the piano again and forgot about the time so Yushi decided to be the one to wait for him that day. When he got to the hallway of the music club, it was eerily quiet. He checked his phone but there was no text from Daeyoung if he went home first.

As he walked closer to the music room, he heard voices. He quickly recognized them as Daeyoung.. and Riku? Well, it wasn’t strange that Riku would visit Daeyoung in his club but there was something different in the way they talked.

Yushi walked slowly, careful not to make a sound. He didn’t know why he was being cautious but it felt like he was intruding. The door was halfway open so he took a peek inside. His two friends had their backs on the door but that wasn’t all that Yushi saw.

They both sat in front of the piano, looking too close for comfort with Riku’s head resting on Daeyoung’s shoulder. That wasn’t new with how affectionate Riku was but Yushi’s eyes landed on Daeyoung’s arm that was wrapped around Riku’s waist. The vibe between them was also different than usual.

Yushi knew he should make his presence known but he couldn’t make his body move. 

“Should we go out on Saturday for our first date?” Riku suddenly asked.

Yushi’s eyes widened and he held his breath. First date? Did he hear that right?

Riku continued, “There’s a pop-up event in Harajuku that I want to visit. Let’s go together.”

“Umm, Yushi hyung’s game is also on Saturday.” Daeyoung replied. Yushi felt slightly relieved upon hearing that.

“Oh! Then we can go after.”

Daeyoung was quiet for a few seconds and when he spoke again, Yushi could hear the hesitation in his voice. “It’s okay. It’s our first date, it should be where you want to go, Rikkun.”

“It’s alright with me. We should support Yuu-chan. He’ll be looking for you.”

“I don’t think he would mind,” Daeyoung said. “I’m the one who always insists on coming even when he tells me it’s not an important game. I can miss a few.”

“Are you sure, Daeng?” Riku asked dubiously. “Really, it’s no problem—”

“Yeah, I’m sure.”

Riku said something more but Yushi had already stopped listening and backed away from the scene. He felt numb all over and he just wanted to go home. All the happiness and excitement he had earlier was drained from his system. His chest tightened with a pain that slowly crept and settled inside him.

So this was how a broken heart felt like.

He didn’t know how he got home but the next thing he knew, he was already opening the front door. Sakuya greeted him inside but he barely registered what his cousin said.

“Wait, Yuu-chan. Are you alright?” Yushi had no choice but to stop when Sakuya blocked his path towards his room.

“Huh?” Yushi lifted his gaze and saw Sakuya looking worried for him. He didn’t want to trouble his cousin so he nodded and said, “Yeah, just tired from practice.”

He knew Sakuya didn’t believe him but his cousin eventually moved out of the way. As soon as the door to his room closed, Yushi let out the tears that he had been holding back. He just stood there, lost on what he should do. He was so stupid to think that Daeyoung felt the same way for him. They were never on the same page.

Yushi felt his phone vibrate from his pocket. He fished it out and there were a few texts and a missed call from Daeyoung. His eyesight blurred from a new wave of tears so he switched off his phone for now. How could he face his best friend?

He never thought loving Daeyoung would hurt this much.

☆

When Saturday arrived, it was no surprise that Daeyoung wasn’t there at his game.

Yushi didn’t bother to tell Daeyoung nor Riku that he became captain of the soccer team. He thought it was only fair since they also didn’t tell Yushi that they were dating.

He should win an award for how good he was at acting like he didn’t know a thing. The next day after his first heartbreak, he just made up some lame excuse as to why he didn’t respond to Daeyoung’s texts and calls. 

Yushi waited for Daeyoung and Riku to inform him of the news but they also acted like nothing had changed. Yushi wanted to believe it, too, but he knew the truth so he didn’t miss their subtle glances and the shift in the way they moved around each other.

His feelings aside, they were still his friends so he decided to respect their relationship. Although he was puzzled that they were keeping it a secret even from Yushi, he didn’t pry. He tried to keep his distance, immediately hiding during breaks and quickly going home so they could have more time together without him third wheeling.

Deep inside, he was hurting so much he could hardly breathe. But as long as Daeyoung was happy, even with someone else, he could endure it.

“Yuu-chan!” Sakuya ran towards him at the bleachers, Ryo following closely behind. At least he still had the kids to cheer for him.

“Good luck on your first game as captain!” Ryo beamed at him. He really adored these kids.

“Thanks.” Yushi smiled as he ruffled their heads.

Sakuya looked confused as he scanned the crowd. “Wait, where’s Daeyoung?”

Yushi’s face almost crumpled in pain but he managed to appear unconcerned. He shrugged and answered, “I guess he’s not coming.”

“That’s weird,” Ryo frowned. “He said he never missed any of your games.”

“Ah, well,” Yushi tried to keep his smile. “I think he has something more important now.”

Sakuya and Ryo exchanged worried looks but Yushi was saved from further probing when his coach called the team to assemble. He quickly excused himself before jogging away. If he stayed any longer, he knew he would break down again.

Yushi took one last sweeping glance at the stands before swallowing the pain.

☆

It was the worst summer of Yushi’s life.

They already lost two out of three games ever since he became the team captain and Yushi was starting to hate himself for it. He knew he was failing the team as he was often distracted during games. He should do better than this.

His teammates didn’t blame him for it and always reassured him that they still had a chance to be on the top ranks but he couldn’t help the self-loathing.

Yushi took a deep breath before he finally stood up from the bench and gathered his things. He was the only one left in the locker room after practice that day. He didn’t notice that it was already dark outside.

Suddenly, he heard someone coming in. He thought it was their coach or one of his teammates so he was shocked when he came face to face with Daeyoung, his best friend that he had barely talked to for the past few weeks.

“Daeyoung,” His voice came out hoarsely so he cleared his throat. “What are you doing here?”

“It seems like ambushing you is the only way I can talk to you these days.” Daeyoung didn’t bother masking his frustration.

“I’ve been busy.” Yushi slung his bag over his shoulder as he walked past the other but he wasn’t able to get too far.

Daeyoung caught his wrist before he could escape. “Did I do something wrong, hyung?”

Yushi dared to meet Daeyoung’s gaze. He could see the hurt in his best friend’s eyes but the latter didn’t know how hard it was for Yushi to pretend that everything was fine. With Riku, Yushi could still act normal. But with Daeyoung, he felt like he was falling apart and he could barely function.

“No,” Yushi replied in low volume. “I’m just tired.”

“Tired.. of me?” The fear in Daeyoung's voice instantly made Yushi feel guilty. It wasn’t Daeyoung’s fault that he didn’t return Yushi’s feelings; he didn’t even know.

Yushi shook his head weakly. “Just in general. The games are just stressing me out.”

Daeyoung’s grip on Yushi’s wrist loosened a little. He looked worried now. “Are you doing alright, hyung? You didn’t even tell me you became team captain.”

You were the first person that I wanted to know. “It didn’t seem important.”

“What? Hyung, you’ve been—”

“Let’s just go home, okay?” Yushi managed to free himself from Daeyoung’s grasp. He hoped the smile on his face was believable. “I’m hungry and I want to eat already.”

Daeyoung watched his face, like he was waiting for something but Yushi didn’t know what it was. “You know you can always tell me anything, right?”

Yushi nodded, “Yeah.” Even though he knew it wasn’t the case anymore.

☆════ ⋆★⋆ ════☆

Autumn, 2022

It was a tough season for Yushi’s team but they managed to be in the Top 5. Earlier defeats lost their chances to be on the top spot so this game would determine their final place.

This was also Yushi’s last game as team captain. He decided to retire so he could focus on his college admissions. He loved playing soccer but he knew it wasn’t a viable path for the future. He only got to lead the team for a few months but it was the best time of his years playing the sport.

His team only needed one more goal to win the game and Yushi was in the zone. He was in his best condition since the season started. It felt like nothing could go wrong that day. His sole focus was on the game and when his feet connected with the ball, there was no hesitation when he kicked it straight to the goal.

The cheers were deafening in Yushi's ears and he wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. His teammates gathered around him to form a group hug and normally that would suffocate Yushi but he was so thrilled that he didn’t care.

His heart almost leaped out of his chest when a pair of strong arms suddenly lifted him off the ground. Yushi almost screamed and he was about to punch whoever it was but his whole world stopped when he looked down.

Daeyoung gazed up at him with the biggest grin that pulled on his cheeks, his eyes shining with glee. He held up Yushi with his arms caged around Yushi’s thighs. All Yushi could do was hold on tightly on Daeyoung’s shoulders to steady himself and gawk at Daeyoung’s lovely face. Yushi wanted to kiss him so bad.

“Congratulations, Yushi hyung!” The crowd was loud but Yushi could only hear Daeyoung’s voice. “You’re amazing!”

“Daeyoung..” He didn’t even know that his best friend came to watch the game. What if this was all just a dream?

“Tokuno!” Their coach called out and that snapped Yushi back to reality. “It’s time to line up!”

Daeyoung lowered him gently to the ground. Yushi’s hands slid off Daeyoung’s shoulders but the latter caught both of them in his.

“I’ll wait for you.” Daeyoung told him softly.

Yushi nodded. “Okay.”

Daeyoung let him go reluctantly and Yushi ran towards the center of the field with his team. He scored the winning goal today and that gave him the courage to face Daeyoung and talk things out.

Their friendship really hit a rough patch during summer break. It was mostly Yushi’s fault as he was the one who avoided Daeyoung and rarely responded to his texts or calls. He reasoned out that he was busy with soccer, which was mostly true.

The daily practice and weekly games were taxing but it provided a distraction for Yushi as he tried his best not to think about his feelings for Daeyoung. He realized that he had been holding on to them for years so he knew it would take him a long time to move on.

He wasn’t even sure if he wanted to.

It took another hour of congratulatory speeches from the team and changing into fresh clothes before Yushi could return to Daeyoung. The field was mostly empty except for the janitors still cleaning around the area.

Yushi found Daeyoung sitting at one of the bleachers. Daeyoung’s face brightened up when he saw Yushi approaching.

Yushi quietly sat beside his best friend with a noticeable space between them. They didn’t say anything for a while and just watched as the sky began to turn dark.

“Sorry I took so long.” Yushi started.

“It’s alright.” Daeyoung replied. “Won’t you guys go out for dinner to celebrate?”

“I told them I’ll catch up later.”

“Then I won’t take too long—”

“It’s fine, Daeng.” He sighed wistfully. “It’s about time we talk.”

It was ironic how they went silent again right after Yushi said it. They were still awkward around each other and had no idea where to start. Yushi knew that it was harder on Daeyoung because he didn’t even know why Yushi acted like that.

“I’m sorry.” Yushi apologized. He turned his head towards Daeyoung and the latter had a questioning look on his face.

“Why are you apologizing, hyung?”

Yushi brought his head down in remorse. “I haven’t been a good friend recently. I’ve been busy with soccer but that isn’t—”

“No, hyung.” Daeyoung cut him off. “I’m not mad at you. I know what soccer means to you. And you shouldn’t be apologizing because I’m the one who messed up.”

“What? Daeng, you shouldn’t let me off the hook.”

“I’ve been keeping something from you, hyung.” Daeyoung admitted.

Yushi was taken aback at the abruptness of Daeyoung’s words. He waited for Daeyoung to continue.

“Riku and I.. we started going out before summer break.”

Hearing it directly from Daeyoung hurt more than when he first found out. He just started accepting it but he was far from moving on so the wound was still fresh. He didn’t trust himself to say anything so he kept his mouth shut.

“You already know, right?”

That made Yushi look up. Daeyoung wore a regretful expression with his eyebrows pinched together. Yushi nodded in confirmation.

Daeyoung exhaled. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, hyung.”

“Why, Daeng?”

A muscle flexed in Daeyoung’s jaw, like he was struggling to find the right words to say. Yushi placed a comforting hand on Daeyoung’s knee, letting him know that Yushi would hear him out patiently.

“First, please don’t blame Riku,” Daeyoung started to say. “I was the one who asked him to keep it a secret. I was being stupid. I don’t really understand it myself. I don’t think I was ready for a relationship but I.. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings so I decided to give it a try. I know it was unfair of me to ask Riku to keep it a secret but I wanted to figure some things out first. I thought maybe we were good together, you know?” Daeyoung paused. “But it didn’t really go well. We broke up last week.”

Yushi was surprised with the news. He didn’t know how to feel about it. As someone who was secretly in love with his best friend, he was a little relieved. On the other hand, he couldn’t help but feel sad for both Daeyoung and Riku. He also thought that they suited each other well.

“I’m sorry.” Yushi told him sympathetically. “How are you doing?”

“I’m doing fine, I guess.” Daeyoung answered. “Mostly, I feel bad for Riku. He said he needed space after the breakup so I don’t think he would be hanging out if I’m around. I don’t think I was a good boyfriend to him.”

Yushi shook his head. “That’s not true. I think Riku really liked you, Daeng, so it’s hard for him to be around you for a while. But I knew how happy he was when you two were together.”

Daeyoung smiled sadly. “I hope that’s true.” Their eyes connected. “If you knew about us, why didn’t you say anything, hyung?”

Yushi averted his gaze. “I trusted that you two had a good reason for keeping it a secret. It’s your relationship and I didn’t want to force you to say anything if you weren’t ready.” Yushi took his hand off from Daeyoung’s knee and joined his hands together on his lap. “That doesn’t mean I wasn’t hurt by it, though. I also waited for you guys to say something.”

“Again, I’m sorry, hyung.” Daeyoung ran a hand through his hair. “It’s.. complicated. I still haven’t figured things out, to be honest. But I’m sure that Riku and I are just better off as friends.”

Yushi wanted to ask what exactly was troubling Daeyoung but he didn’t want to pressure the other when he was still clearly having a hard time over it.

“I guess.. dating a friend doesn’t really work out, huh?” Yushi couldn’t help but spill the words from his mouth.

“What?”

Daeyoung looked so perplexed that Yushi had to explain himself. “Umm, I don’t really know. But if you’ve been friends for a long time, maybe it will be weird for the dynamics to suddenly change.” This was very hypocritical of Yushi as someone who was desperately in love with his friend. “Unless.. those feelings were already there from the start?” Because he was already aware that Riku liked Daeyoung ever since they met.

Daeyoung turned quiet for a few seconds. His face was blank as he asked, “Do you really think that, Yushi hyung?”

“That.. that what?”

“That longtime friends can’t date each other.”

Yushi was cornered. Why did it feel like Daeyoung was asking specifically about them? He suddenly felt scared. This wasn’t the right time for Yushi to reveal his feelings.

He also thought about how Daeyoung said that Riku needed space after they broke up. What if it was the same for Yushi and Daeyoung? Could they go back to their friendship if Yushi confessed and Daeyoung rejected him? Or if by some miracle, Daeyoung loved him back but for some reason, they also separate in the future. Would they survive it?

Yushi didn’t want to lose Daeyoung.

“Yeah,” Yushi reluctantly replied. “I know it’s different for everyone. But usually, I don’t think it works out.”

Daeyoung nodded slowly. Yushi didn’t know what was going through the other’s mind but he knew that the smile on Daeyoung’s face was forced. “Yeah, I think so, too.”

That felt like a stab on Yushi’s heart but he had no right to complain.

☆════ ⋆★⋆ ════☆

Winter, 2023

Yushi stretched out his arms after he finally finished the paper he had been working on for weeks. He thought he wouldn’t make it but he was able to submit it one hour before the deadline.

“Now I can sleep for the whole weekend.” He groaned as he shut his laptop close.

“Ugh, get away from me. You said you were still far from done.” Riku hissed in irritation as he furiously typed on his laptop across from Yushi.

“Not my fault you spent the first hour sleeping.” Yushi muttered.

“Just shut up, Yuu-chan.”

Yushi glanced around the library if they disturbed the other students but everyone was busy with their own business. He let out a yawn as he slumped against his chair. He wanted to go home and sleep. Winter break could not come any faster.

“Are you almost done, Rikkun?”

Riku exhaled tiredly. “I don’t know. I still have a few notes to verify.”

Yushi glanced at his watch. They still have a few hours before the trains stop. “Then I’ll just sleep for a while.”

“Sure, I’ll wake you up once I’m done.”

“You two are still here?”

Yushi’s spirit was awakened when he heard that voice. He blinked his bleary eyes and beamed up at Daeyoung who towered over them by the table.

“Daeng,” Yushi called quietly, hoping that Daeyoung couldn’t hear the pounding of his heart. “Why haven’t you gone home yet?”

“Our group meeting just finished.” Daeyoung replied, exhaustion visible on his face but he still smiled down at Yushi. “You two aren’t done with the paper yet?”

“I’m done, Rikkun obviously isn’t.”

There was a knowing look on Riku’s face as he watched Yushi and Daeyoung. He pulled out a smirk when Yushi caught his gaze but Yushi narrowed his eyes at him to warn him not to say anything stupid.

“Just a few more paragraphs to go.” Riku said instead and Yushi almost breathed out a sigh of relief.

“I’ll go buy some hot choco from the vending machine. Do you guys want anything?” Daeyoung asked.

“Same as yours.” Yushi answered.

Riku pretended to contemplate on what to get. “Hmm.. maybe you could finish this paper for me?”

Daeyoung gave Riku a deadpan stare. “Sure, Rikkun. What number on the machine should I press for that?”

That got Riku chortling. “Reel in the sarcasm, Daeyoung. It’s the least you can do for breaking my heart in high school.”

Daeyoung rolled his eyes. “You already used that card yesterday to get the last yakisoba bread.”

“Darn it, I should have used it wisely this week.”

Yushi watched them in mild disbelief. It still baffled him how they could act like their breakup was nothing. But maybe that was a good thing because he wanted to comfortably hang out with the both of them without any awkwardness.

“I’ll just buy you hot choco as well.” Daeyoung sighed tiredly before exiting the library, Yushi’s eyes trailing in his wake.

“He’s coming back. I could feel you pining from here.” 

“I’m not pining,” Yushi squinted his eyes at his friend. “And please stop bringing it up. Daeyoung doesn’t know anything.”

It had been a few months since Riku found out about Yushi’s all-consuming love for his best friend and Riku’s ex, Daeyoung. It wasn’t because Yushi had voluntarily shared the information with Riku; Riku was just too sharp and had a suspicion about his feelings and Yushi was unable to deny it. It seemed like it was pretty obvious to everyone but Daeyoung.

After Riku and Daeyoung broke up, they weren’t on speaking terms for a few months. Yushi was caught in between and even though Riku still talked to him, their closeness wasn’t the same as before and Riku spent more time with his other friends.

The three of them applied to the same universities for college but it surprised Yushi that Riku also chose the same school as him and Daeyoung. They were both enrolled in sports psychology courses while Daeyoung pursued education. Maybe the new environment helped in the healing process because Riku and Yushi became close again and Riku also reconciled his friendship with Daeyoung.

Yushi shared most of his classes with Riku so he spent more time with him now than Daeyoung. He was glad that the two were able to patch things up because Riku was a great friend that he wanted to keep in his life.

Although Riku’s constant teasing about Yushi’s feelings for Daeyoung made him have second thoughts.

“Why don’t you just tell him how you feel, Yuu-chan?”

Yushi took a steadying breath. “We’ve been over this.”

Riku folded his laptop close. It seemed like he had already given up on his paper. “Yeah, but maybe it won’t be as bad as you think.”

“Did you forget what already happened between you two?” Yushi asked. “If not for me, I don’t think you two would be talking again. I can’t lose him, Rikkun.”

“Who says you’ll lose him?” Riku countered. “Our situation was different. And why do you think Daeyoung doesn’t feel the same way you do? You haven’t even asked him.”

“I don’t want to push him.”

“We both know Daeyoung can be oblivious at times so he needs that push. Sometimes he needs someone to lead him.”

Yushi narrowed his eyes suspiciously which made Riku splutter. “It’s not what you think! God, is your head on the gutter, Yuu-chan?”

“Well, you two were healthy teenage boys who were dating and—”

“Oh my god, stop.” Riku looked mortified. “We dated for just a few months and barely did anything that you’re thinking. Stop diverting the conversation by embarrassing me.”

Yushi bit the inside of his cheek. “I’m just not ready yet.”

Riku nodded. “I know.” His hand reached out to pat Yushi’s and ventured slowly, “But consider giving it a shot, yeah? You’ll never know until you try.”

☆════ ⋆★⋆ ════☆

Spring, 2024

Oh Sion was an exchange student from South Korea that got assigned to be Yushi’s partner in one of his classes. He was two years older than Yushi and very friendly with everyone, not to mention his absurdly handsome face that got most people to do a double take when they saw him.

Sion could communicate in basic Japanese but it was still easier for him to converse in Korean. That was mostly the reason why they got partnered up since Yushi knew how to speak in Korean, courtesy of Daeyoung.

“I do miss home but Tokyo’s been great so far,” Sion mused as they ate their lunch at the cafeteria. “I don’t think I will run out of things to do or visit in here.”

“That’s good,” Yushi commented with a smile. “One year won't be enough to experience everything.”

“I know!” Sion chuckled. “That’s why I’m already planning to apply for a long-term program. You should tour me around, Yushi-kun!”

He raised his palms in refusal. “I don’t think I’ll be a good tour guide. I barely go out.” Sion was easy to talk to but he could be a tad too energetic for Yushi at times.

“Oh, come on. I don’t know a lot of people here. I’ll treat you to meals. Please?”

“No.”

“I’ll rent a car so we won’t have to commute.”

“I don’t think you even have a license.”

“Yeah, I don’t. Please, Yushi-kun~”

But Yushi wasn’t listening anymore because Daeyoung had entered the cafeteria. He waved his hand up to let Daeyoung know he was there. The butterflies in his stomach went crazy when he had a glimpse of Daeyoung’s warm smile upon seeing Yushi.

Sion followed his line of sight and they both watched as Daeyoung made his way towards their table.

“Did your professor dismiss the class late again?” Yushi asked as Daeyoung took a seat next to him.

“Yeah, it was brutal.” Daeyoung was disgruntled but suddenly looked abashed when he noticed Sion sitting across from them. He turned to Yushi with an inquiring face.

“Oh, sorry.” It was stupid how he sometimes forgot everything else when Daeyoung was around. “Sion hyung, this is my childhood friend that I told you about. Daeyoung, this is Sion hyung, the exchange student.”

“Sion.. hyung?” Daeyoung had a funny look on his face. Yushi wanted to ask if something was wrong but Sion already extended his hand to introduce himself.

“Hey, Daeyoung. Nice to finally meet you.” Sion grinned broadly. “It’s nice to know a fellow Korean here.”

“Nice to meet you, too, Sion-ssi.” Daeyoung shook hands with him.

“Oh, you can call me hyung, too. Yushi told me you’re younger than him.”

“Yeah, well.. umm, okay.” Daeyoung slightly squirmed on his seat.

Yushi suddenly had an idea. “Sion hyung, I think Daeyoung could tour you around. He knows more places here in Tokyo than me.”

Sion brightened up with a smile. “That would be great! I could use some tips on how to easily adjust here, too. What do you say, Daeyoung?”

Daeyoung glanced between Sion and Yushi, seemingly debating his answer. “Uhh, yeah. I could do that.”

Yushi found it weird how awkward Daeyoung was at the moment. His best friend was the sociable one and he was never meek around new people.

Sion might have sensed it, too, because his smile fell a bit. “No pressure, though. Only if you have time. I just got excited to meet someone from the same country.” He cleared his throat. “Okay, well. My next class is about to start so I’ll get going.”

Sion stood up and carried his food tray. “I’ll text you for our next project meeting, Yushi-kun. Nice to meet you again, Daeyoung.”

Yushi bid the older goodbye and once he was out of earshot, Yushi turned to Daeyoung. “Is something wrong, Daeng?”

“Huh?” Daeyoung snapped back to his senses. “Uhh, no. Everything’s fine, hyung.”

“Then why were you so weird with Sion hyung?”

“Sion hyung, huh?” Daeyoung muttered under his breath but Yushi still caught it. “It’s nothing. I didn’t know you two were that close to eat lunch together.”

“Well, not really. We just met last week but he’s nice.”

“And he looks like.. that.” Daeyoung added meaningfully. His best friend hadn’t eaten anything yet but he looked like he ate something bad.

Yushi arched his brow. “Yeah, he’s handsome, I guess. But why do you look nauseated?”

Daeyoung avoided Yushi’s piercing stare and chuckled nervously. “What are you talking about, hyung? I feel fine.”

“Do you not like his face?” Yushi couldn’t help but ask.

“What? No!” His best friend denied vehemently.

“So you like his face?”

“That’s not what I was—” Daeyoung cut himself off and breathed out exasperatedly. “I mean, I’m just surprised that you look comfortable with him already. You even call him ‘hyung’.”

“Well, he’s older than me.” Yushi started to get suspicious. “Wait, are you jealous that I have a new friend, Daeng?”

Daeyoung’s eyes widened. “I’m not!”

Yushi chuckled softly. “Don’t worry, I’ll try to keep you in my schedule.”

His best friend rolled his eyes. “You’re too full of yourself, Tokuno-san.”

“Hey, where did ‘hyung’ go?” He was almost offended but then, a smirk made its way to his face. “Oh, I get it. You want me to call you ‘hyung’, too.”

Yushi almost burst out laughing at how flushed Daeyoung’s face became. He quickly stood up indignantly. “You’re ridiculous, Yushi hyung.”

That got Yushi cackling as Daeyoung stormed off. “Where are you going, Daeng?”

“To get lunch away from you!”

Which was a lie because ten minutes later, Daeyoung sat across from Yushi, eating his lunch while sulking. Yushi wanted to tease him more but he didn’t want his friend to get indigestion.

“Daeng.”

“What.”

“You’ll always be my favorite, you know.”

Daeyoung paused briefly and snuck a glance at Yushi. “I know.”

Yushi caught the smile that Daeyoung tried to hide with a bite of his food. He sighed inwardly. If only Daeyoung knew how much Yushi meant that.

☆════ ⋆★⋆ ════☆

Winter, 2024

Yushi shivered as he walked the distance from his house to Daeyoung’s. It was mid-afternoon but the skies were already dark.  He forgot to bring heatpacks again but he knew Daeyoung always had a box ready for him.

Winter break just started the day before and they had plans to eat at a newly-opened ramen shop near their old school. Usually, they would meet up at Yushi’s place but things were strange that day. Daeyoung hadn’t replied to any of Yushi’s texts nor answered his calls since yesterday. That never happened before so he decided to check on Daeyoung first.

He informed his best friend that he was coming but there was still no response so Yushi rang the doorbell. He was starting to get worried.

It was Daeyoung’s mother who answered the door. “Yushi-kun.”

Yushi took a few seconds to stare at the older woman’s face. Daeyoung’s mom had smiling eyes like her son but there was no trace of happiness in them. She looked like she had been crying. “Auntie, is Daeyoung here?”

She was surprised by his question. “He’s not with you?”

He had to blink at that. “Uhh, no. We were supposed to meet today.”

“Where did that kid go?” She anxiously asked, more to herself. “I thought he went to your house last night when he ran away. He even left his phone.”

“What?” His lower lip trembled in worry. “Why did he run away? What happened, Auntie?”

“We have to look for him first.” She was about to turn around to go back inside but her knees suddenly gave out. Yushi rushed to support her around the shoulders.

“Auntie, are you alright?”

Daeyoung’s mom pressed a palm against her forehead. “Yeah, I just got a little dizzy.”

“Let me look for Daeyoung. You should rest first. You don’t look so good, Auntie.”

After much persuasion, Daeyoung’s mother finally relented and left the search for Daeyoung to Yushi. He didn’t have any idea what happened between Daeyoung and his mom but it had to be serious because Daeyoung wasn’t someone to run away from home.

It had already started to snow by the time he got out of the Kim residence so he sped up his pace. Yushi had a few ideas where he might be and he hoped that he would find him before sundown.

Yushi was about to turn into the street leading to the subway station when he stopped in his tracks. He planned to check Daeyoung’s favorite karaoke place first but he suddenly remembered something. It would be absurd for Daeyoung to be there in this weather but he would check just in case.

Yushi didn’t know whether to laugh or sigh in relief when he saw the missing boy sitting on the swing where they first met. Daeyoung might have stayed somewhere else last night but Yushi knew he would feel guilty and go home the next day. And since he was still feeling guilty, he would stay somewhere nearby first to build up the courage before facing his mom again.

The playground had been renovated over the years but the biggest change was the boy who sat there, sitting snugly on the swing that was now small for him.

“Your mom’s worried for you, Daeng.” Yushi carefully called out.

Daeyoung had his eyes trained on the ground, looking quite lost in his thoughts so he was startled by Yushi’s voice. His head snapped up in alarm. Yushi could see the unshed tears that were starting to freeze.

“Hyung,” Daeyoung croaked. “Why are you here—oh, shit.” He started to panic. “I’m so sorry, hyung! It completely slipped my mind—”

Yushi rushed towards his best friend and crouched down to meet his gaze. “Hey, Daeng. It’s alright. Take a deep breath.”

Daeyoung did as he was told and squeezed his eyes shut. “Please don’t hate me, hyung.”

Yushi’s brows furrowed in confusion. “I could never hate you. What happened? Why did you run away?”

Daeyoung leaned forward and rested his forehead against Yushi’s shoulder. In a small voice, he answered, “My parents are getting divorced.”

Yushi was surprised by Daeyoung’s reply. He didn’t expect that. He carefully wrapped his arms around Daeyoung’s back to embrace him. “I’m so sorry, Daeng.”

Daeyoung sniffed. “I didn’t know, hyung. I had no idea they were having problems. My mom wanted out for years but they decided to wait until I was legally an adult before they officially filed it.”

Yushi patted the other’s back soothingly as he continued, “They told me last night over dinner. I was so shocked and confused and upset that I had to get out of the house. I stayed at a manga cafe but I hardly slept.”

“You should have stayed with me.” Yushi spoke softly.

“I wanted to, but I didn’t want to burden you, hyung. And I needed to think things over by myself first.”

Yushi’s legs were starting to cramp but that was the least of his concerns. He gently coaxed Daeyoung to sit up straight and meet his gaze. Yushi’s heart clenched tightly, both in awe and sympathy. Snowflakes had started to gather atop Daeyoung’s head but his eyes welled with tears. He looked so beautiful that he wanted nothing more but to take away all of Daeyoung’s pain.

“How many times do I have to tell you, Kim Daeyoung? You’re never a burden to me.” Yushi wiped the tears on Daeyoung’s cheek with his thumb. “We’ll both get sick if we stay out here longer. Let’s go home.”

Daeyoung clutched Yushi’s sleeve with a desperate hand. “I.. I still don’t think I can.”

“Then, we’ll go to my place. But I’ll let your mom know, alright?”

Daeyoung nodded. “Okay.”

Yushi let Daeyoung take a warm shower first since he stayed outside longer. His best friend didn’t look like he ate anything decent for the past day so he scoured their kitchen cupboards for soup ingredients.

“Yuu-chan, is everything alright with Daeyoung?” Sakuya asked as he opened the fridge. He also volunteered to make something simple for them.

“He’s just having a hard time with something.” Yushi didn’t think it was his place to disclose Daeyoung’s parents’ divorce when it wasn’t even filed yet. Sakuya just nodded; he was grateful that his cousin wasn’t someone who pried too much.

“Do you think he’ll like French toast?”

“As long as you don’t put anything weird on it,” Yushi eyed the younger suspiciously. “Maybe you should just stay put.”

Sakuya rolled his eyes. “Out of the two of us, you’re the one who’s more prone to cook something weird. Maybe we should just order takeout.”

“Daeyoung needs to have a homecooked meal.”

“You two don’t have to make a fuss.” Daeyoung suddenly chimed in as he stepped into the kitchen. His hair was still damp from the shower but he looked a little better, except for the swollen eyes. “I’m not that hungry.”

“I don’t believe that.” Yushi crossed his arms over his chest. “You’re going to eat something, Daeng.”

“Well..” Daeyoung rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. “I’m more worried about what kind of food you two would make me eat.”

Sakuya burst out laughing at that but Yushi was unamused. “Wow, so ungrateful.”

“There’s a reason why I always volunteer to cook, hyung.” Daeyoung chuckled.

His cousin stood in between them, still laughing. “Okay, okay. Before you two start fighting, I’ll just buy some soup outside. At least we’re sure it’s edible.”

Yushi sighed. He wanted to comfort Daeyoung with his cooking but he might give him indigestion instead. “Yeah, I guess that’s for the best.”

“Thanks, Saku-chan.” Daeyoung ruffled Sakuya’s hair as the latter walked towards the front door.

Yushi turned to his best friend as soon as Sakuya was out the door. “How are you feeling?”

Daeyoung smiled sadly. “A bit better.”

“It’s not your fault, you know,” Yushi ventured carefully. “I don’t know why your parents are separating but I’m sure that it’s not because of you, Daeng. The fact that they waited for you to be an adult before they decided to go through with it means that you’re more important to them and they didn’t want you to be burdened by it.”

“I know that, but..” Daeyoung’s face crumpled in pain. “I still keep on blaming myself because they suffered in their relationship longer just for me. Especially my mom. She.. she should have just been selfish and—”

“Stop that, Daeng.” Yushi stepped closer towards the other and took both of his hands in his. “Your parents did what they thought was best for you.”

“But there’s something else, hyung.”

“What is it?”

Daeyoung took a shaky breath before speaking. “My mom’s going back to Korea.”

Yushi froze. He didn’t like what Daeyoung was implying so he stayed silent and waited for what he was going to say next.

“And she asked me if I wanted to come with her.”

Yushi didn’t mean to pull his hands away but a sense of dread was stirring up inside him. He found it hard to meet Daeyoung’s eyes. He whispered, “Do you want to?”

“I.. I don’t know.”

Yushi nodded slowly before turning on his heel. He didn’t know how to respond to that. He needed to get away and sort out his own feelings first. “I’ll take a shower now.”

But he wasn’t even able to take a step out of the kitchen when Daeyoung caught his shoulder to stop him from leaving. Yushi was about to protest but he took a sharp intake of breath instead when he felt Daeyoung press his face on the back of Yushi's head. He didn’t dare move a muscle as he felt Daeyoung’s firm chest against his back.

“Please never leave me, Yushi hyung.” Daeyoung murmured against his hair.

How ironic for Daeyoung to ask that when he was the one who was potentially moving away from Yushi.

“That’s for you to decide, Daeyoung.”

☆════ ⋆★⋆ ════☆

Spring, 2025

Yushi couldn’t decide if he wanted to throw up first or pass out in the hallway. He knew he couldn’t handle his alcohol but he needed to numb out his feelings somehow or he would break down in the middle of this goddamn college party. Why did he even think that it would be a good idea to come here in the first place?

It was also the worst idea to come here with Daeyoung. He didn't know what he was thinking when he asked his best friend to accompany him to the club. Well, it was initially Yushi’s way of helping Daeyoung to take his mind off things for a while.

The divorce wasn't final yet but Daeyoung’s parents were formally separated so his mother moved out last month and flew back to her family in South Korea. She secretly asked Yushi to look out for Daeyoung as the latter temporarily decided to stay here in Japan with his father.

His best friend was subdued for the past few weeks, his usual cheeriness lost and the only thing Yushi could do was to support Daeyoung and remain by his side. So when Sion invited him to the party that a senior was throwing at a club, Yushi thought that maybe a change of pace would be good.

Truth be told, both Yushi and Daeyoung weren’t party goers. Even Daeyoung, who was the outgoing one between them, only attended small gatherings with his classmates. Daeyoung was hesitant to come at first but later agreed when he found out that Riku wouldn’t be able to accompany Yushi.

“It’s fine if you can’t come, Daeng. Sion hyung will be there.” Yushi tried to assure him. 

“So it will be just the two of you?” Daeyoung sounded tense.

“Well, there will be other people at the party, of course.”

Daeyoung didn’t seem to appreciate the sass because there was an unamused look on his face. “Wait here, I’ll just change.”

“You don’t have to force yourself—”

“Just sit tight, hyung.” Daeyoung said before running up the stairs to his room. Yushi just shrugged and sat there in the Kims’ living room while Daeyoung dressed himself up. Maybe the other wanted to unwind after a grueling school week, too.

Once they arrived at the club, Yushi expected to hate it immediately but surprisingly, it wasn’t as overwhelming as he thought. Sure, the dim lighting partnered with the strobe lights were bothering his vision but the DJ played good songs and the crowd wasn’t that rowdy. He even spotted some of his friends.

Most of the attendees were from Yushi’s major but it didn’t surprise him that Daeyoung also had friends that he greeted there. His best friend seemed to relax beside him and they even ordered some light drinks.

Yushi silently watched Daeyoung as the latter talked to a senior and he was a bit relieved to hear his soft laugh. Daeyoung still acted the same around Yushi, albeit a little clingier than usual, but he started to be more reserved around other people. There was a lot of stuff going through his mind most of the time and he would usually talk to Yushi about it but they never touched again the issue of Daeyoung going back to Korea. Yushi was also afraid to ask so he just waited for the other to say something.

Yushi was nursing his second drink when he internally cursed upon remembering Sion. He was so focused on checking on Daeyoung that he forgot to look for the person that invited him there.

“Something wrong, Yushi hyung?” It was fascinating how Daeyoung could always tell if something was bothering him.

“We’ve already been here for like an hour but I forgot to contact Sion hyung,” Yushi sighed as he checked his phone. “He’s not reading my messages. I’ll just look for him, Daeng.”

Daeyoung quickly snatched his wrist. “I’ll go with you, hyung.”

“It’s fine. I’ll just let him know we’re here. I’ll be back.”

Yushi could see the protest that was building up in Daeyoung but he eventually relented and let go of Yushi hesitantly. “Call me if you run into trouble.”

That made Yushi giggle. “Relax, Daeng. I can handle myself.” Daeyoung’s the more fragile one between them right now so the way that Daeyoung still fussed over him made him a little giddy. (Or maybe it was the drink.)

He didn’t notice that a lot more people had joined the party since they arrived. It was a struggle to find Sion in the crowd and he only found two people he knew that he could ask. They both saw Sion around but also didn’t have any idea where he was at the moment. So he decided to just go back to Daeyoung for now.

And then he wished he never did.

Daeyoung didn’t notice that Yushi came back already and it was quite implausible but he clearly heard Daeyoung despite the noise of the party around them. 

“We’re not like that,” Daeyoung said with a light laugh. “Yushi’s like a brother. We grew up together so we’re close.”

Yushi stood behind the person Daeyoung was talking to, tall enough that Yushi could conceal himself especially in the poor lighting. His hands started shaking, his hopes shattered once again. There were moments when he could sense that maybe Daeyoung felt something more for him, touches that didn’t seem so innocent and gazes that lingered a little too long. But maybe he was just deluding himself. He immediately turned back and ran away from there as fast as he could.

The ache inside his chest didn’t dissipate even after the number of shots he took from the bartender. He wasn’t too fond of alcohol but this was what people turn to when their hearts break, right? He scoffed to himself, finding it incredibly funny that he never learned a lesson when it came to his unrequited feelings for Daeyoung.

He should have gone home after that but his stupid heart still had this stupid hope that Daeyoung would come looking for him. He also didn’t check his phone because he wanted Daeyoung to be worried sick for him. Wow, he was pathetic.

Yushi didn’t know where he was inside the club anymore but he just needed to find the exit. He saw the sign for the men’s room and was about to open the door but he froze on his feet when it suddenly opened. Someone just came out and he was just going to trudge his way inside when a familiar voice called his name.

“Yushi-kun?”

Yushi tried to focus his eyes on the person standing in front of him. “Sion hyung?”

“I’ve been looking all over for you.” There was a huge grin on his face that instantly dropped when he got a good look at Yushi’s face. “Hey, are you alright?”

Yushi nodded wryly. “More or less.”

Sion carefully held his arm. “I think you should drink some water first, Yushi-kun. I was trying to contact you…”

But Yushi didn't hear the rest of Sion’s words anymore because only his sense of sight worked properly now and he stared at Sion intently. Even in the dimness, Sion was so handsome and he always smelled so nice, too. Not as handsome and nice as Daeyoung but Yushi knew how to appreciate beauty when he saw it. Yushi’s eyes dropped to Sion’s lips and he subconsciously licked his own.

“Are you listening to me, Yushi-kun?”

“Hmm?” That seemed to startle him a bit. “No.”

Why couldn’t he just fall for someone else that was not his best friend? Why did he have to make things complicated? 

“Yeah, I think it’s time that you—”

“Kiss me.”

If Yushi wasn’t so serious with his request he would’ve laughed at how comically wide Sion’s eyes became. “W-what?”

“You don’t want to?”

“Huh? Yushi-kun, I don't think you’re in the right mind—”

“Yeah, I know. That’s why I asked you, hyung. I’ve never kissed anyone before.”

“I don’t think this is the right way to—”

“Oh, just shut up.” Yushi grabbed the collar of Sion’s shirt and pulled him in. There wasn’t much protest from Sion as Yushi pressed their mouths together. Yushi had closed his eyes but he just froze like that for a few seconds before Yushi remembered to move his lips. He didn’t lie when he said that he had never been kissed before so he didn't exactly know what to do next.

Yushi expected even just a little spark, some excitement within him from having his first kiss but he just felt numb. That was when he noticed that Sion didn’t move; he didn’t push Yushi away but he also didn’t contribute much to the kissing.

Yushi let go of Sion’s shirt and took his mouth away. He directed his gaze at the floor. “I’m sorry.”

He heard Sion sigh. “It’s alright.” A pause. “Do you like me, Yushi-kun?”

It didn’t even take Yushi a second to reply. “No.”

“Would you like to date me?”

That made Yushi’s head snap up. “What? No, that’s weird. I just said I don’t like you that way, hyung.”

“Just making sure.” Sion brought up his hand and for a second Yushi thought he was getting punched for kissing someone without their consent but Sion just ruffled his hair. “You’re drunk and I can tell you're going through something. Stay here, I’ll look for Daeyoung so you can go home.”

“No!” Yushi was quick to stop Sion by the arm. “I.. I can’t see him right now. I’ll just call a cab.”

“Oh,” There was a spark of realization in Sion’s eyes. “So it’s Daeyoung.”

“Huh?”

“Did you two fight?”

Yushi shook his head lightly, but it just made him dizzy. “He doesn’t even know.”

“I see.” Sion placed an arm around Yushi’s shoulders and Yushi automatically collapsed against the other. He wasn't even aware how tired he was. “I’ll take you home.”

“I don’t want to bother you, hyung.” Yushi muttered. He was starting to feel sleepy.

“Just let me do this. It’s the least you can do after kissing me and then telling me you don’t like me.”

Yushi groaned. “I’m really sorry, hyung.”

Sion chuckled. “It’s fine. It wasn’t so bad.”

“Ugh, just bury me in a ditch somewhere.” Yushi sincerely hoped that the alcohol would do its job and he would never remember anything when he woke up in the morning.

But, of course, life was cruel and he remembered every single detail from the night before. Up until the cab ride at least, as he passed out right after telling Sion his address. 

Yushi had a horrible headache and the morning light was not helping the situation. He also dreaded the lecture he was going to get from his parents. Yushi was already legal to drink but he didn't think they would appreciate how wasted Yushi arrived last night if they were the ones who received him.

He waited until the throbbing on his head was tolerable before he searched for his phone. Yushi was being an idiot last night but he should have let Daeyoung know that he went home first. His phone might have blown up from the worried messages from Daeyoung.

Yushi blinked his eyes multiple times as he scrolled through his notifications. There were a few messages from the group chats, Riku and the latest one from Sion to check up on him.

But there was not a single one from Daeyoung.

☆

It had been a week since the party and it was also the last day of the semester. It was also exactly seven days since Yushi had properly talked to Daeyoung.

After the awful hangover, Yushi called Daeyoung to ask if he got home okay the night before. His best friend was curt during the call, said that he was fine and he had something important to do. He didn’t even ask why Yushi disappeared and went home ahead of him before he hung up. Yushi couldn’t say that he wasn’t hurt by that.

Yushi considered visiting Daeyoung in his house but he thought that maybe something came up with his parents so Yushi decided to give him space.

Even at the university, he didn't even manage to catch a glimpse of his best friend. It was already hard that they were in different departments but it almost felt like Daeyoung was actively avoiding him. Even his messages got few one-word replies and sometimes left on read. Yushi was at a total loss. Was it him? Did he do something wrong?

The last week of that semester was pretty busy for everyone so Yushi didn't have much time to chase Daeyoung around. By the last day, he was already at his wits’ end. He started getting furious at Daeyoung as well because he shouldn’t act like this without telling Yushi the reason why. Yushi understood that Daeyoung was struggling with his parents’ divorce but after years of friendship, that wasn’t enough reason to ignore Yushi like that.

Yushi stomped his way towards Daeyoung’s building when he heard Riku calling from behind him. There was an urgency in Riku’s voice as he ran towards Yushi.

Riku had to catch his breath as he stopped in front of him. “Rikkun, what’s wrong?”

“When.. why..” Riku started in between breaths. “Daeyoung.. why did he suddenly transfer?”

Yushi was too stunned for words. He stood there, trying to take in what Riku just dropped on him.

“Yuu-chan, why didn't you two tell me? I was going to give back his book but his classmate said that he already flew back to Seoul yesterday. Stupid idiot didn't even text me or—”

“I didn’t know.”

It was Riku’s turn to be surprised. “What?” He placed his hands on Yushi’s shoulders. “Daeyoung didn’t tell you? You’re kidding, right?”

Yushi numbly shook his head as he bit his lips to keep himself from crying. He shouldn’t break down right here in the middle of campus. But when Riku pulled him into a hug, he couldn’t stop the sob that came out from him.

He couldn’t believe that Daeyoung had left without a word. Wasn’t he Daeyoung’s best friend? Didn’t he deserve even just a single text at least? How many times had Yushi been burned like this?

As Yushi cried his heart out on Riku’s shoulder, he remembered his 18th birthday when he realized he was in love with Kim Daeyoung. It took him a long time to come to terms with his feelings. He tried to confess a couple of times but something always came in between. He didn't want to keep hurting like this over and over again.

Maybe it was time to let go.