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"Can you promise me not to kill yourself?"
The words are out, and it almost skips your mind. You two are watching the sunrise on a bench. It's beautiful, covered with long, patchy stripes of clouds. The pinks and yellows remind you of a peach, for some reason. Or that potted flower you keep eyeing at the store. You really want some peaches now.
"Well, that is a quite heavy promise." You say, casually, but it comes off as hesitant. Thoughtful, weirdly.
"Is it a no?" Green Tea asks. You see zeir tail wag, once, slowly, like zey're not sure whether to be hopeful or disappointed, or grieving. Teablins have lived for millions of years, and you wonder what did it feel like—to find out people hurt, people kill themselves, people torture each other—and still choose to be kind, to be full of child-like wonder and ease, to love whole-heartedly with such firey warmth, instead of giving into the cool violence.
"It's hard to explain." You absent-mindedly pat a hand on Green Tea's head, feeling zem immediately nudge up into your palm despite the weird mood. "You know. Some people... they find it harder to enjoy. Living. Than others."
"I know. It's sad." Zey murmur, and look up at you knowingly, your hand instinctively moving away to let zem look. "Are you one of them?"
Are you one of them? Do you find it hard? To be? To be forced to get out of bed every day, to follow the expected schedule, to always shut it and brush off everyone's word, to struggle to feel joy like everyone else does so easily while you are left numb and questionable? Is it that hard, though? Is it not normal?
"I think so." You say. "But I must be just overreacting. You know I've been stressed because of the teashop." You look back into the window, have zoned out previously. The sun has risen a little more, the clouds are drifting. You wonder if there is peach-flavored tea. "Must be just the work getting to me."
"Overworking is still a very serious problem! Your well-being is important, Tabbie!" Green Tea protests. Of course, zey don't doubt when anyone struggle, zemselves included. Usually, that you can think of. You're not sure if it makes Teablins more or less human. "You can always ask me to help! Or.. we can ask our friends for help, too. Nothing is impossible together."
You know, with the certainty of someone who spent months living around Teablins really closely and dealing with their lively overly-social species, that Green Tea meant every word. Who knew, maybe for Teablins it is easier together, it does get better when you're not alone, when you make more friends. You wish you were a Teablin, instead of this not quite human. Humans are way more hostile, you think.
"And nothing is bad enough to hurt yourself over it." Green Tea adds, quieter, after you don't answer, paw laying on your thigh. The weight is barely there—Teablins were always light, as you know—but it's still enough to make you look down. You almost giggle—how are you supposed to talk about suicide and still take this seriously when there is this cute muzzle in front of you?
"You know. I do think asking more Teablins for help would be nice." You think outloud. "We've gathered a big company over time."
Green Tea wags zeir tail again, more than once, and both paws are on your thigh now. "I'll talk to everyone later! Most of them are probably asleep.." And now Green Tea is in your lap.
You stare at zem for a few seconds, then place a hand on zeir back, feeling the leaves and the flowers. They're squishy, oddly but normal for Teablins' toppings, but they also have that slight crunchy sensation that makes it so satisfying to pat.
"I can't promise I won't kill myself." You say, an afterthought. You have to explain, almost in a hurry while the thoughts are here. "I just. I can't trust my selves. I might feel okay today, I might feel terrible tomorrow..."
"It's okay." Green Tea responds softly, surprising you. You kinda expected zem to double down on self-acceptance and socialization and whatever bullshit you usually expect from people, but Teablins are not people, you keep remembering that with a clear surprise. "But you will talk to me if something bothers you, right? I'm your friend."
You feel the vibration of zeir purring through your legs, traveling up to the warmth in your chest. The motor noise is almost loud enough to drown out your invasive thoughts. Teablin physiology made their purring so much stronger than a cat's.
You wonder if Green Tea is purring because zey're trying to comfort you or simply because zey feel cozy and safe with you.
"I'll try." You mutter. You're not sure if you'll actually do it, but the thought is with you, and it is making a fireplace in your chest.
"That's enough." Green Tea curls up more comfortably, tail curling over zeir face like a cat. So cute. You poke zem in a side, making zem twitch with an involuntary smile and grumble. Still ticklish.
You never thought this'd be your life, but it is almost lighter, maybe.
Teablins are not hard to love and be around. Even though they are a lot like children. Well. This is a vague comparison, children are just as colorful and various as adults. You're not sure if it's accurate to compare Teablins to humans—they don't age like humans do, and they always keep their whimsy, as you've helped many Teablins grow and get their tails... horns (it's horns, not ears, you always forget), and toppings. Maybe it's because the human society is very different from Teablins' lives. You wonder if humans were meant to be like Teablins, once, before all that capitalism bullshit. If they represent the best version of humans, minus the physical appearance—well, mostly, you've heard some folks like to be non-human too, so maybe it could be a bonus for some. It could be better, if only.
You'd have to go out and check the garden, see for the fruits it gives today in order to feed Teablins and yourself.
You'd have to eat breakfast, if only to not feel like passing out through the day, but also because it'll give you a chance to share it with tea friends who likes to beg for your food every time, and maybe forcing yourself through breakfast would be worth the smiles—(even though you could just have a cup or two of Cereal's tea.)
You'd have to check the tea toppings, the water tanks and everything in your truck before work shift, and it'll be tiring and so, so annoying, but it'll be worth the customers' joy when you are ready to make them the yummiest tea, stocked with honey and milk. Maybe you'd make yourself a cup too.
You'd have to sit through today's hot weather, even with a small fan. It'll be so overstimulating and unbearable, but it'll be worth the joy of Teablins you'll take with you today. They like the heat. Probably the whole company. The truck will be full and it'll be messy but familial and full of love.
You'd have to eat lunch, and dinner, though you're not thinking that far yet. You'd have to prepare food and snacks for yourself and Teablins for the day, so y'all won't be too hungry, and it'll be so boring and tiring, but at least you are taking care of someone you love.
Well, that is one thing to do now. The life is too busy for your suicidal ideation, and you have friends to take care of, might as well get over with it. You have to get Green Tea off you first.
You shake zem a little, gently, reluctantly, but to no one's surprise zey just twitch zeir tail. Of course, zey were up with you the whole early morning. You told zem repeatedly that zey didn't have to stay awake with you, that you can't sleep anyway and there is no point in trying to lull you, but did anyone listen? No.
The skies are lighter now, there are new clouds passing by. Just like life... One of them is Teablin-shaped? What the hell. You squint at it.
"Does that cloud look like a Teablin?" You whisper to yourself, deadpan.
"Oh! Where!" Green Tea exclaims, suddenly not so sleepy, and shifts to look at the sky.
"This one." You point, business-like. You only get a hum and a huff in response.
"Hm." Green Tea flops back into zeir position, apparently not happy that zey were fooled, even though you could swear there was a particularly interestingly shaped cloud. Maybe zey looked wrongly.
"C'mon, it totally looks like a Teablin." You tease and wiggle your fingers on zeir side, making zem squeak in protest. "Also, a five minute nap is pretty enough for you. Up you go.
"Nooo." Green Tea whines, but you're already picking zem up, cradling zem like a baby—a habit you could never break. Teablins are light and soft, but also slippery, so you are careful.
"Hey. I'm serious. Wake up."
Green Tea is entirely content with napping in your arms. You raise an eyebrow and give zem a shake. Zey're dead to the world, the purring still a small engine in your hold.
"Unbelievable..." You mutter, but keep cradling zem.
If a small, vulnerable creature could sleep in your arms so easily, what does it say about you? You almost get an urge to drop zem, just to show zem what happens when you refuse to listen. But zey're not annoying, zey're just tired and trusting.
It's just an intrusive idea, something that you imagine doing to yourself, or someone else doing to you.
That is bad.
You have a lot to learn, from Teablins and so. You'll have to look if there is anyone selling peaches today.