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The summer after Ilya and Shane were unexpectedly outed by Hayden Pike, they threw at least a dozen get-togethers, barbecues, and parties. Sometimes it was just them and Shane’s parents. Sometimes they would even have parties with the whole Centaurs’ team. These parties were an amazing source of the worst "Never Have I Ever" questions ever.
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“Okay, so….” Harris began suspensefully. “Never have I ever passed out drunk in someone's yard.”
It was Canada Day in the Provinces, so of course, like the newly cultured Canadian he is, Ilya insisted on inviting a shit ton of the Centuars and WAGs to the cottage. The day couldn’t have been more perfect, with glimmering sunlight on the water, ripples of laughter and friendship, and his husband in his lap.
The whole circle sighed, taking gulps and swigs of various alcoholic beverages. Hayden prodded Shane by the elbow, “Like a free space on a bingo card.”
“No, seriously. I did that like twice last week alone.” Shane reached down to grab his Surfside.
Ilya took a steady shot of Vodka, “Is he bothering you, moya lyubov?”
Luca Haas, the newest Centaur from Sweden, downed a Dr. Pepper, preparing for his turn. He opened his mouth to speak, but was immediately cut off by Hayden Pike.
“Fuck off, Roz. Can a man not enjoy a civil conversation?”
Ilya smacked loudly, “Not when he is trying to have sex with my married husband.”
“ROZANOV I MIGHT HAVE 4 KIDS, BUT I’M NOT DEAF!” Jackie screamed from across the circle.
“I’M SORRY, JACKIE, I LOVE YOU.” Hayden defended. “Dipshits gonna get me divorced.”
“Hm, not when she’s baby trapped you four times…”
“ROZANOV YOU MOTHER-”
“JESUS,” Shane jumped between them, “Play the fucking game! I can hardly hear Haasy over you two! Christ almighty.”
“Don’t yell at me, that turns me on,” Ilya smirked. “It’s hot, I am not alone. EVERYONE is hard.”
“Just you, man,” Bood supplied. “Juuust you.”
“I cannot help the hottness of my husband.”
“You’re also not even hard, jackass. I’d know.” Shane spat, slightly annoyed at Ilya for interrupting Luca a second time. “Luca, baby, one more time for the assholes in the back.”
Luca was used to Shane and Ilya being his ‘parents’. He occasionally even called them ‘dad’ and ‘papa’. “O-oh okay, thank you,” his Swiss accent slipped slightly. “Never have I ever had unsafe sex.”
The question was so cute and so Luca, despite the fact that almost the whole circle drank. Jackie, jokingly, didn’t drink, “Eww, you guys are gross. Y’know the stuff you can get from that?”
“Yeah, four kids with Hayden Pike,” Ilya sipped his chaser.
The whole circle exploded in laughter. Even Hayden and Jackie were in tears. “Good one, Ilya. Choke on dick.”
“Hmm, I never choke. Usually when Shane-”
Shane slapped his hand over the Russian's mouth, “annddd that’s enough from you.”
“God, they’re almost worse than Zane and I when we first got married,” Cassie Boodram sidebared.
“Cassie, they’ve been like this since 20-fucking- 10.” Hayden peered over his whiskey glass like a retired Shane Hollander veteran. “Welcome to my life.”
“Okay, Troy, it’s your turn to come up with a question.’’ Harris pointed like a drunk game show host.
Troy made an exaggerated thinking face while he hummed. “I got one.”
“Never have I ever passed out during sex.”
Shane shot out raspberry lemonade Surfside from his nose, and Ilya just snickered under him.
“Shane, Ilya, is there something you’d like to add?” Lisa Hayes smirked, filling her shot glass with more vodka.
Ilya was still dying laughing, and Shane was having an existential crisis while the circle awaited his answer. He sighed, “Just hand me another fucking Surfside.”
Wyatt hopped off the cooler and passed Shane another Seltzer. Shane stood up, “This should cover it.” He poked the bottom of the can with his canine and popped the top, shotgunning the drink.
He finished the drink surprisingly quickly, tossing it into their yard somewhere. He plopped back down on Ilya’s lap, “Next question?”
No one replied. Bood spoke up, “So uhh… who else is hard right now?”
The whole circle chimed in, “ME!”
“Oh, but when I do it, I am a horny pervert.” Ilya mimed.
“YES!” everyone agreed.
“Hm, close-minded people.”
“We are open-minded enough to listen to you talk about fucking Shane into the mattress at practice,” Luca said unexpectedly.
Ilya fake gasped at the language, “Huh! My son, who taught you these filthy words!”
“Ilya, baby, my Moscow Menace, you called yourself a horny pervert not even thirty seconds ago.” A very tired Shane repermanded into the air. Jackie and Lisa snorted across from them.
Their attending husbands shot them a look,“Gay men are so fucking creative. Because what do you mean you call your Russian husband ‘my Moscow Menace’?” Lisa questioned.
“I don’t know, Hayden’s bisexual ass basic as fuck,” Hayden’s head snapped back to his wife. “Just ‘my love’ or ‘my wife’, I wanna be a ‘Moscow Menace’’
“Can you take mine off my hands?” Shane said, half joking. “He’s potty trained.”
“Oh no, Shane, he’s all yours. I can only handle one evil bisexual at a time.”
“Jackie, baby, my one and only, I’M NOT BISEXUAL.” Hayden interceded.
“Straight guys don’t have the hots for Shane Hollander-”
Before the conversation worsened, Ilya cleared his throat.
“Oh god, it’s Ilya’s turn, everyone. Prepare yourselves,” Cassie warned.
Ilya rubbed his hands together as if he were plotting something. “I would never say something so disgusting. Question will be PG.” He rolled his lips into a straight line, attempting not to laugh. “Never have I ever begged to be fucked against the large glass panels viewing into my backyard.”
“I’m divorcing you.” Shane stood up as the Russian made grabby hands back at him. He walked over and sat next to Jackie instead, “Hello, Jackie.”
“Hello, Shane. Sorry about that thing.”
“I thought he was potty trained?” Shane fake sobbed.
“I don’t think jacking off and being overly horny is potty training.”
“Y’know what? I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to sit with my husband.” The alcohol was really tasting now, stumbling back across the grass. He plopped back down in Ilya’s lap, “Hello, handsome, you were saying?”
Shane pecked him on the cheek before turning around.
“Ugh, I’m gonna be sick. It’s not the alcohol.” Hayden made wretching sounds behind him. Ilya rubbed his calloused fingers into his husband’s hair.
“Pike is angry you are happy.” Ilya kissed him longer on the lips. “Is Cassie’s turn, no?”
Bood popped the tab on another beer, “Cassie, you’re next, babes. Behave yourself.”
“Yes, sir.” She slurred, saluting him with the hand that wasn’t supporting her High Noon, “Never have I ever had hate sex.”
Shane and Ilya locked eyes, grabbing their drinks. They both drank what was left.
Shane crushed the can in his hands and discarded it behind him. “Once or twice or all ten years of my career.”
“I had hate sex like three times until I actually fell in love.” Ilya followed.
Shane gasped,“This asshole said he loved me in Russian for three years before he ever said it in English.”
“Did not. It was a year before.”
“Yeah, when you tried to break up with me in the hospital.” Shane crossed his arms and dramatically looked away from Ilya.
The circle collectively gasped.
Cassie threw an empty can at Ilya’s knee, “You tried to end it in the hospital? Someone would’ve died.”
“No one died! I invited Shane to my hotel room before he got concussed. Then I realized I couldn’t imagine life without him.”
Shane kissed him on the cheek and wrapped his arms around his neck.
Cassie hummed, “Wait, I thought ya’ll started dating in 2017?”
Everyone laughed.
“Shane and I hooked up the summer before rookie season.”
“ROOKIE SEASON?” Nearly the whole group—everyone but Hayden and Jackie— yelled.
“I JUST said I’ve been dealing with them since 2010”, Hayden sassed.
“You also told me you didn’t want Shane, so.”
“Rozanov, I don’t want your fucking husband-”
“ILYA. Shut the fuck up.” Shane waved his hand in front of his face. “Let me tell our little seven-year conundrum.” He scooted up, “Yes, Ilya and I hooked up our rookie season, BUT not before he specially requested that he and I had a collaborative advertisement for CCM just so we could talk.”
“Shane is forgetting the part where he got hard in the shower-”
“IN A MINUTE.” Shane lightly pushed on Ilya’s chest. “Anyways. The whole shoot was the most awkward thing ever. Ilya, you might remember this.” He sipped his drink and pointed back towards Ilya. “The fucking photographer made us redo the same pose like a dozen times, and the position was so uncomfortable after the third or fourth time.”
“OH MY GOD,” Ilya cut in. “It was just the face-off position, but he kept making us look each other straight in the eyes, and like,” He made a shape in his hands as if he were holding a stick, “Slam our sticks into the ice.”
“Yes! And he kept saying, “Yeah, if you could do that, but with a little more intensity,” as if we weren’t on take 12. Also, I’d had this huge crush on Ilya since the Junior Prospect Cup in 2008, so of course staring through his soul made me fucking nervous.”
“Since Prospect Cup? My Shanya,” Ilya jutted his bottom lip out and kissed his temple.
Shane giggled, “Ilya, you literally know all of this.”
“Is still cute to hear it after all these years.”
The air was filled with ‘aws’ and giggles. Questions about the two began to come about. One question from Luca caught their—specifically Ilya’s—attention. “Wait, Rozy, did you not like Shane yet?”
Shane whipped his head around at Ilya, raising an eyebrow.
Ilya laughed, one of his real, giggle laughs, “My sweet rookie, I fully believe I liked Shane first.”
“No, you didn’t.”
“I promise you I did.”
“Okay, when did you start liking me?” Shane challenged.
“When you came out and scolded me for smoking next to the arena. Prospect Cup.”
Shane rolled his eyes, “You’re just saying that because you know that’s when I started liking you.”
“I promise I’m not. You had on a cute little parka with a beanie, and your cheeks were red from the cold.”
“Why do you remember what I wore?”
“Because that was the day I fell in love.”
“You just said we fucked three times before you fell in love.”
The circle roared to life with laughter.
Ilya rolled his eyes, “Is liar, liar told you that.”
They stared at each other for a moment before Shane continued his story, “In case you're out of the loop, the 'cigarette scolding' thing Ilya’s referencing was the first time we met in Saskatchewan at the Prospect Cup. I had been seeing videos of this insane Slavic kid for years. It wasn’t until maybe 10th grade that my parents even started talking about him. A year or so later, I met him at the JPC in Saskatchewan. I, of course, wanted to know who this kid was, so I went up to him.” Ilya began laughing under him. “I saw that he was in the restricted smoking zone and didn’t know if he could read in English yet.
Ilya’s laughing quickened, “This fucker—” He laughed even harder. “This fucker makes a ‘cigarette’ gesture to his lips while saying, “I don’t think you’re supposed to smoke here.”
“Because of course, Mr. Golden Boy was following the rules,” Hayden snickered.
“Exactly! And the funny part is, I spoke English enough at the time to understand him, so he’s just over there all bundled up in his cute little coat. He eventually introduced himself and shook my hand TWICE within five minutes.” Shane just nods his head to the group.
“Canada lost that year, but all I could think about while we lined up to shake hands was talking to Ilya. So, we finally shake hands, and Ilya says—Shane deepens his voice to imitate him— ‘See you at the draft’. I was so obsessed with his accent as a teenager, it’s not even funny.”
“So weird to think about the fact you and Ilya were seventeen when you met,” Cassie added. “You were just babies.”
“We were nineteen when we fucked for the first time.”
“Was that after the CCM shoot?” Troy asked.
“Oh yeah, Shanya, we need to finish that story.”
Shane hummed, “Oh god, so eventually Ilya and I just could not keep a straight face, and the photographer just sent us off. I started talking to Ilya, mostly about the draft and his brand deals, until he said something like, ‘When did they tell you that you wouldn’t be alone,’ or something like that. I didn’t really get why he was asking this, so I just said, ‘A couple of weeks ago. Ilya kinda just nodded his head.”
“Well, truthfully, I knew about it right after the draft,” Ilya explained. “Of course, the pretty Canadian boy with the freckles was still fresh on my mind. I had a meeting with the sponsorship executives the next day about the campaign. During my meeting, they talked about how they signed more than six new players with CCM during the draft and how many they could fit in one shoot. I found out shortly after that Shane was signed for the shoot after mine, so like any smart, sexy businessman, I just said that Shane and I could do it together. I really just wanted more opportunities to talk to him.”
“I finished my solo shoot before Ilya did, so I ran to the showers. I knew that if he was in there with me, I was fucked.” Now Shane was laughing. “So I’m spilling shit everywhere trying to finish up, and low and behold, Ilya walks through the door.”
“Big sexy Russian versus small Canadian boy.”
“Ew, Ilya, that sounds like a porno title.” Jackie cringes and makes a ‘sour candy’ face.
“Is coming soon.”
Shane rolled his eyes, “I had one thought, and one thought only in my head, ‘don’t look down, don’t look down, don’t look down.’ Ilya walks to the shower RIGHT NEXT TO MINE. There were at least ten other showers in the bath house, mind you. So I’m already freaking the fuck out, and Ilya’s facing me. I looked up and saw his wet, slick back hair and the water going down his abs, and just wanted to,” Shane made a grabbing motion with his hands. “Grab his chest.”
The guys are dying at this. Wyatt Hayes shrugs, ‘’I mean, I guess every man likes titties somehow.”
“Some guys just don’t like em’ on girls.” Zane Boodram adds.
“Some girls like em’ on guys.” Lisa grabbed her husband's and pressed the tip of her tongue to her front teeth.
Wyatt received a small grab on the shoulder from Zane. “Continue, Hollander. This is hilarious.”
“Ilya licked his lips and winked at me. Because every ‘straight’, Shane makes air quotes. “Guy winks at dudes in the showers.”
“It worked, no?”
“Ilya, shush.”
“Shane was blushing so hard, and I was having the time of my life. I’m facing towards the water again, until I realize two things: Shane’s still looking at my cock, and he’s got a semi. I was actually panicking myself because why the fuck was Shane Hollander fighting a hard on with me in the same room?” Ilya questioned. “I noticed Shane looking at my cock and raised an eyebrow at him. He starts stammering and can hardly make a sound, so he just says, ‘fuck off’. He didn’t start storming out of the showers or anything, so maybe he thought I was not for the boys?”
“So he starts jerking off while making direct eye contact with me.” Shane knitted his lips into a tight line while he nodded.
“Ilya, you’re a lucky bastard,” Lisa said. “Shane easily could’ve ruined your career.”
“Oh, trust me, he did.” Ilya added, a little too easily, “Made me move to Ottawa.”
He kissed Shane’s temple before Wyatt and Luca started pulling out cash from their wallets. “What the fuck is happening?”
“We placed a bet that Shane’s the reason you moved to Ottawa last year.” Zane supplied.
“Okay, who is we?”
“Me, Haasy, Hayes, Barrett, Harris, Coach-”
“You’ve got Weibe in on your gambling bullshit?” Ilya sounded genuinely upset. “Who won?”
The group is wailing at Ilya’s lack of responsibility. Zane cleared his throat before saying, “Haasy.”
“MY SON CAN GAMBLE. MY LIFE IS COMPLETE!!” Ilya cheers for his rookie.
Haasy pocketed his 300 dollars gratefully, sitting down again.
“So how the hell did jacking off in the showers turn into you two cursing out the MHL’s Commissioner?”
“My son is very educated.” Ilya started. “Well, I walked into the locker room after my shower and realized Shane was still there. He obviously was waiting there to say something to me. At first, he— very terribly— acted like he didn’t mean for that to happen. I, being the absolute sex god that I am, knew he was lying and asked for his room number. He caved in. Under zero pressure.”
“Maybe a little pressure of my entire career crumbling, but y’know, zero pressure. I agreed, because who wouldn’t agree to Ilya Rozanov wanting to hook up with you?”
Hayden raised his hand, “I wouldn’t.”
Jackie lowered his arm, “You’re just mad it’s not his wingman from Boston.”
“CLIFF FUCKING MARLEAU??”
“Babe, we BOTH agreed he was sexy.”
“OKAYY?? YOU DON’T HAVE TO SHARE THAT WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. HOLY FUCK.”
“Oh my god, Ilya, are you guys still friends?”
“Was my best man at my wedding.” Ilya shrugged. “Also was the first person who knew Shane and me were together.” Hayden sank into his chair out of embarrassment. “Pike, it's okay to be bisexual, you’d love it over here.”
“I’m not bisexual? Also, it’s weird to say gay things to straight dudes.”
Ilya nearly choked on the suggestion of Marleau being a “straight dude”.
“I never care when he pushes me into the boards,” Luca added.
“He would die laughing if he were here.” Ilya shook his head. “Marly and I used to have threesomes.”
Everyone stared at Ilya in horror. Harris remembers posting the statement from the Centuars in support of Shane,“Isn’t he the guy who knocked Shane out on the ice that one time?”
“Yes, and he did not get off scot-free. He skated around the practice rink until he was rushed to the hospital on fluids.”
“Jesus Christ, Rozanov, go ahead and send both of your boyfriends to the ED.”
Ilya hummed, “Mm, good joke, Harris.”
“Ilya Grigoryevich Rozanov, you made Marleau go to the hospital?” Shane scolded coldly. “I wasn’t that mad. I don’t even think my parents were that mad.”
‘’I was. I couldn’t speak to him.”
“You told me in the hospital that he was really sorry. How did you know that if you didn’t talk to him?”
“Connors had to tell me because I suspended Marleau from the next practice. I promise you, I was not a good person to be around.”
Hayden snorted, “And I thought I overreacted.”
“Hayden, the most I’ve ever appreciated you was when you punched my best friend on the ice.”
Shane shook his head in disbelief, “You sent him to the hospital. That’s awful.”
“Should’ve looked both ways before crossing.”
“He couldn’t help it.”
“and I couldn’t help the fact I had a sexy, brunette booty call that night.”
“Ilya..”
He looked at him, “Shane..’’
Shane turned back around and listened to the story Troy was telling about Ilya.
Ilya placed a cluster of kisses on his shoulder. He rested his head on Shane’s shoulder and swayed both of them. “ya tebya lyublyu.”
“Ya tebya yeshche bol’she,” Shane replied easily.
The group was letting them have their moment, like they always wanted ,being able to love one another like all the other couples were allowed to. They whispered multiple phrases to each other in Russian and even some in French. Every phrase made them either blush profusely or tighten the small gap between them. Everyone thought it was so sweet, some more than others.
“Haasy, are you crying?” Troy asked.
Luca sniffled, “They learned each other's language.”
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