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After his mother dies, Ken has nothing.
His father had died when he was young, young enough that Ken couldn’t remember him, so for his whole life it was just him and his mother. And while he wasn’t exactly oblivious to the glares and mutterings that got thrown their way, he found that he didn’t mind. His mother always tried to make as much time for him as possible, always showed him with love. It’s just you and me, so we’ve got to stick together, okay? she’d say. And he would agree, and in fact he found himself quite glad that she didn’t have a husband or other children to divert her attention from him. She was his whole world.
Then she gets stolen away by some strange creature, and he gets shuffled off to a cousin of hers that he’s never met before. He is- not exactly bad, he feeds Ken and gives him clothes and so on, but it’s clear that he never really expected to take care of a child, and in any case he’s not mom. And on top of all that, everyone is insisting to his face that it was a car accident, that there were no monstrous creatures or men in coats wielding guns.
As time passes, more and more people give him empty platitudes and insist that he just has an active imagination and that you have to face reality sometime. Still, Ken keeps thinking about that night. About the man who killed his mother, about the gun he somehow managed to get, about the strange creature he summoned.
And as he does, Ken realizes that he does have something to live for. He is going to prove everyone correct, to avenge his mother’s memory and do something to prove that his life wasn’t a total waste.
Ken is going to kill the man who murdered his mother.
It doesn’t take quite as long as Ken expects. It’s only two years after that night, after his cousin has decided to send him off to a school in Iwatodai, when he overhears Akihiko-senpai talking to someone who says some very interesting things.
“Two years ago…” he mutters to himself as they walk off. “It can't be… So his name is Shinji, huh...?” He suddenly remembers a conversation that Ikutsuki had held with him shortly after transferring to Akihiko’s dorm - about how he had the potential to fight monsters. Ken nods to himself. He has a target now. And the anniversary of his mother’s death is just over a month away - the perfect time to get his revenge. He has a plan. He asks to join SEES, and is accepted.
Three days later, Shinjiro joins SEES as well.
Ken doesn’t go out of his way to talk to Shinjiro, but Shinjiro does sometimes talk to him, seemingly not recognizing the son of the woman he murdered.
“Hey, kid,” Shinjiro calls out to him.
“Ah-!” God, he always makes Ken’s heart jump when he does that. “W-what do you want?”
“Just wanted to ask what you were planning on doing tonight.”
C’mon Ken, play it cool. He doesn’t need to know what you think about him. “Uhh, nothing much.” He shrugs. “Just, y’know, doing my homework, that kind of thing.”
Shinjiro frowns. “Do they give you much in Elementary school?”
I need to get away from this, Ken thinks. Out loud, he replies: “Not as much as the high-schoolers, but still some. Actually, that reminds me - I need to finish a project for tomorrow, so I need to go now, bye!” He runs off without giving Shinjiro a chance to respond.
Most of the time though, he just watches. Watches as Shinjiro interacts with all the other members of SEES, who seem to have no clue as to what Shinjiro had done to him.
He sees the way that Akihiko and Mitsuru stand right next to Shinjiro, talking comfortably with each other and tracing their fingers over each others’ shoulders and arms, and he thinks he doesn’t deserve to be touched like that.
(It’s been so long since someone touched him like that.)
He watches Shinjiro show Fuuka how to cook something, and something in him bristles at the idea that anyone would take advice and help from him.
(Though, he must admit, the result tastes quite good, and he briefly wonders if he should get the recipe)
When some of Junpei’s antics manage to make Shinjiro laugh a bit, Ken thinks, he shouldn’t have anything to laugh about.
(There hasn’t been a lot that Ken has laughed about for the past few years.)
And so on and so forth. It all gets under his skin, the way that everyone acts so casually around him, that they regard him as one of their own, as a friend - a few are even in love with him for some reason. They say that they feel the same way about him (well, not the love part, but everything else), and even back it up sometimes - Kotone in particular seems keen on hanging out with him a lot, usually at Wakatsu, and it’s always pretty enjoyable for Ken. However, something about it just… doesn’t feel right. He’s pretty sure that Shinjiro is the problem: the fact that he’s still here, hanging out with everyone else, and that Ken still hasn’t brought justice on his mom’s behalf.
All those feelings end up being brought to a head the night before the anniversary of his mother’s death, when Kotone declared her love for Shinjiro and dragged him off to her room.
Him, of all people! He seethes. She’s dating most of the rest of SEES, so it doesn’t exactly come as a surprise, but he still can’t help but be angry. And spending time in her room together, just the two of them -! I should be the one alone with him. And tomorrow night - I will be.
Shinjiro is shot, and Ken knows: he was right. He would have regretted it if he’d killed Shinjiro, would have cursed himself. Because right now, with Shinjiro’s blood on his hands, he realises that he did not - does not want Shinjiro to die.
Takaya’s saying something, but Ken can barely hear him, can barely hear anything other than the buzzing in his ears and Shinjiro’s ragged breaths.
“A… Ah… Shinjiro-san…” He doesn’t want Shinjiro to die. Why doesn’t he want Shinjiro to die?
“Shinji!” someone calls. Takaya says something to them, and walks off as SEES rushes in to see what is going on with their friends and comrades. They crowd around, calling out to Shinjiro, and Ken wants to join in, but he can’t make his voice work.
“Ken..” Shinjiro says, turning to face him, “Heh... Why the long face? Isn't this... what you wanted?”
Not anymore, Ken wants to say. He wants to let Shinjiro know that he’s changed his mind, that he wants to let him live, that he cares about him, that he - loves him.
“It's alright... Give yourself time... Let your anger be your strength,” Shinjiro continues talking, oblivious to Ken’s internal torment. Fuck, is that what he’s feeling? Why he doesn’t want to kill Shinjiro? Love?
“You're still just a kid, Ken... You got your whole life ahead of ya… So don't waste it... Make it your own... Okay?”
“But I... I…!” Ken tries to force something, anything out of his throat - telling Shinjiro that he’s changed his mind, a plea for him to hold on, confessing the fact that he’s in love with him - but everything running through his head is keeping him from organizing his thoughts enough to put them into words.
Then Shinjiro is telling Akihiko to take care of him, reassuring Minato and Kotone, and oh god he’s coughing, but it’s somehow worse than before, and it’s the Dark Hour and they can’t get to a hospital, and -
Shinjiro is going to die, Ken realizes. Shinjiro is going to die, because of me-!
Ken screams.
Shinjiro doesn’t die, but the doctors say that he would probably never wake up again, and, well. That’s as good as dead in Ken’s book, and of course it happened because Shinjiro was trying to protect him, someone who he thought hated him, and god what do SEES think of him now, they probably hate him-!
He ends up prying open his window and running off into the back alleys of Tatsumi port island. It’s Ahikiho who ends up finding him lurking here.
“You look half dead,” Akihiko greets him. “What are you doing here?”
Ken stares at the ground for a moment, trying to organize his thoughts. Eventually he says, “When Mom died protecting me, no one would believe the real reason for her death… To this day, it's still on file as an unexplained accident. That's why I wanted to make it clear… I thought that's what she would have wanted... Maybe then she'd finally be at peace. They say he was the victim of some violent crime, right? No one knows the truth. Just like with Mom. And once again, I'll be left behind by someone I love…”
“Someone you love, huh?” Akihiko looks taken aback.
“Y-yeah. I don’t know when it happened, but… at some point, I stopped hating him, and started loving him… and I didn’t notice until it was too late.” He begins to sob. “If only I’d known, and told him… then maybe…!”
“Listen,” Akihiko snaps. “I understand what you’re feeling right now, at least a little bit. My little sister died when I was a kid, and I blamed myself for it.”
“R-really?” Ken asks, looking up at him.
“Yeah. I blamed myself for a long time, wished that I could go back and change things. But eventually, I realized… that while you can’t change the past, you can change what happens in the future.” Akihiko takes a breath. “I love Shinjiro too, but… there’s nothing we can do for him now. I'm not here to drag you back - you can stay in this place until you die, if that's what you want. But, if you still have the will to fight, then come back and stand on your own two feet.”
“Yeah… you’re right,” Ken admits. “I never wanted the people I love to leave me… but that’s exactly what happened.” He slams his fist into the wall. “I’ve just been running away from and lying to myself this entire time… but now I won’t do that anymore, I swear. For Shinjiro-san’s sake, I’ll see it through to the end… so he doesn’t need to worry.”
And he can feel the part of himself that holds his persona change, becoming stronger, more solid and confident.
I am Kala-nemi, something inside him says, and he gasps. “My persona-!”
“Did yours change too?” Akihiko asks.
“Y-yeah. It happened to you…?”
“When I was visiting Shinji at the hospital earlier,” he confirmed. “I think it’s because I made a similar decision to you… that I’ll keep moving forward, even if he’s not there.”
“I guess that makes sense, since personas are a reflection of ourselves and all…” It’s rather… comforting, in a way - the idea of some kind of visible sign of how much Shinjiro had changed him, even if it was only something that a few other people would see. He looks up to Akihiko. “I think I’m ready to go back, now.”
“Alright,” he says, and they begin to walk back to the dorm together.