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Varka’s eyes snapped open, hearing the shutters to his window open, followed by a near silent thud. But, instead of worrying, he relaxed and waited. Soon, his bed dipped and that familiar small body curled up as close behind him as it could without touching him. They sat in silence for a while, waiting for the other to say or do something. Until Varka broke the silence.
“You know you can just knock right?” More silence, but now Lohen’s eyes were burning into the back of his head. “Didn’t want to wake you.” Lohen’s voice is odd, it doesn’t come with its usual tone. It’s more tired, dull almost. It’s obvious Lohen still hasn’t fully processed Adorno’s death. Grief is different for everyone. “You’re okay though right?” Lohen doesn’t respond for a few moments, but finally settles on a short “Mhm.”
Theres more silence for a little while before Varka rolls over to face him, just to make sure. Lohen’s eyes meet his, the moonlight pouring into the room casting enough light to stop Varka from worrying too much. He does look tired though, struggling with sleep again. Another restless knight of his, especially with him being mainly in Dornman Port, that energy basically has no where to go outside of sparring and the occasional poor hilichurl. Varka moves his arm, creating a space, offering Lohen to move closer. Theres a moment of hesitation, but eventually the younger knight moves closer, buries his face into Varka’s neck. Varka takes in the faint smell of minty gum and what might be Windrest Flowers.
“I couldn’t sleep again.”
”I can tell.”
Lohen chuckles dryly, though it’s more sad than anything. “I don’t know what to do.” About the grief? About the lack of any real threat? Lohen’s not entirely sure. “It’s too quiet here.” His voice is more quiet now, like he doesn’t want that quiet to be disturbed.“Quiet is good.” Varka adds. Lohen hums against his neck before they fall back into that comfortable silence again.
5.. maybe 10 minutes pass before Lohen speaks. “Is this how you felt about Crepus?”
Certainly not a question Varka was expecting to have to answer at 3:41 in the morning, but sure. He lets out a breath before finally settling on a counter question. “Depends, how are you feeling about Adorno?” Lohen’s response is as quiet as his question was. “I don’t know. He said not to cry over him but I don’t exactly know what to feel instead.” Lohen’s relationship with emotions like that were.. strained in a way. He hated vulnerability, hating the feeling of not being able to do anything. Hated the feeling that comes with sadness.
A topic change is what comes next. “I got to fight him again. Relive that memory.” Varka, still slightly tired blinks in confusion. “The Rächer.” He adds after a few beats. Varka frowns. “The combat simulation? I heard about that. Are you..” Lohen shakes his head. “It wasn’t this bad this time just.. It felt the same if not worse after.” Varka remembers. Lohen critically wounded, being rushed back to camp. Looking so weirdly small and still on that cot while medics stitched together deep wounds and bandaged him up. He wasn’t fully recovered when Varka started sending the knights back to Mondstadt, so obviously, he was sent back with the first batch alongside the other injured. “I heard from Sucrose it agitated the scar.” The worst injury was one that stretched across his abdomen. Varka’s seen the scar a few times and can’t help but feel a bit of guilt over it. “Theodore patched me back up.”
Theres more silence. Lohen tenses, Varka notices immediately. “Whatever you’re thinking, stop. You’re okay.” Varka suddenly says. His hand comes up to cradle the back of the younger knight’s head. Fingers gently entangling in teal strands, comforting. Lohen makes a sound, but no words come past that, at least for a few moments. “I want you to realize it’s okay to feel vulnerable. You don’t constantly need to be on guard. Especially right now, in this room, you’re allowed some weakness.” Lohen can leave whenever he wants, Varka’s hold on him isn’t anything more than just to comfort. A part of Varka is half expecting him to bolt, to flee out that same window he came from and go off into the night to fight off the rest of the energy.
“I dont..” Lohen’s voice cracks. His breath that fans across Varka’s neck is shaky. “Go ahead. He said not to cry over his grave, not to not cry at all.” Varka’s seen a lot of knights break down. Stress, grief, frustration, anger. He knows Lohen is feeling all of those. He shouldn’t fight those emotions anymore. He’s not on a battlefield, he's in the safety of a quiet room. Maybe the quiet room feels worse than a battlefield to him and thats why he’s shaking in Varka’s arms.
Varka hears his breath hitch for a moment, like a last minute dam built to stop the tears and sorrow from spilling. Then, quieter than any word he spoke tonight, a sob. It’s strangled almost, he’s still trying to fight it. He does fight it, tries once to say something, but when the words just turn into another broken sound. It’s then he lets go. Varka lets out the breath he was holding as Lohen’s body shakes with sobs. He adjusts them, makes sure he’s comfortable as he quietly lets out that frustration, guilt, everything. It’s not pretty, Varka can feel his shirt soaking up Lohen’s tears as the other clutches it. He thinks Lohen tries one more time to stop, like he's scared, theres a moment where he stops crying and his breathing hitches. But if anything, he just started crying harder. Varka rubs one hand up his back, feeling him flinch a couple times before relaxing into the touch. He does his best to brush any stray strands of hair from his face, tucking it behind his ear.
Theres a brief moment where Lohen seems to start panicking. His breathing picks up and his grip on Varka becomes harsher. Varka hushes him, tells him to breathe, that he’s safe. Lohen just.. apologizes. Varka’s taken aback for a moment because there isn’t anything Lohen’s done for him to apologize for. He’s already been punished for his previous involvement with the experiments, he's already apologized for those. “Don’t apologize for feeling something.” And Lohen sobs. “You’re alright.” Varka continues.
At least 20 minutes or so pass before Lohen quiets down. Another 15 where they sit there in silence. The occasional sniffle lets Varka know that he’s still awake. Until that silence is broken at least.
”I feel like shit.” Lohen finally speaks, catching Varka off guard. Varka can stop the snorted laugh that follows. Lohen looks up at him, puffy red eyes barely concealing the annoyance. Varka apologizes. “When was the last time you’ve done something like that?” He doesn’t get an answer, he watches Lohen maybe think for a moment, before he buries his face back into Varka’s neck. Varka accepts it as an answer in its own way. He’s seen Lohen upset, but usually he has an out. A horde of monsters, some of the knights. “I’m surprised this didn’t happen while you were in confinement. You could’ve asked for me, you know.” Lohen shook his head. “It hadn’t fully sunk in yet I guess.. Also i was kinda making candy to keep my hands busy. Probably so much, it could feed the next 2 expeditions.” Both of them laugh, quiet and comfortable.
They talk for a little while longer. Varka going on about an old story where Adorno tried to teach some of the knights how to make candy, only for them to somehow light the kitchen on fire. What candy was salvageable was picked off and eaten as scraps that night. At some point, Lohen had stopped responding. Varka lifted his head, looking at the knight, who was now asleep. So weirdly still but this time, it was peaceful. He smiled, his head falling back against his pillow as he let sleep take him again.
When he woke, Lohen was gone, but not without leaving a small pouch of candy on his nightstand. A fruity, minty mix that fits Lohen so well.