Work Text:
“Da da dee…” hummed George Harrison. “Stitch one…two, da da dee doo…”
He was cross stitching a picture of a guitar and it was going well.
...da day dee da dee doh.. wait…What's that smell?” He ran out of the room to where his guitar was. “My guitar!” He said as he sniffed his guitar like a rodent.
“Oh, no. Not fingerprints!” said Paul.
“It's just a fingerprint,” said Ringo, it doesn't matter.” Harrison stopped crying.
“Doesn't matter?! It's my third favorite guitar…and if a fan got ahold of it that’d be a major invasion of privacy- and we have so little of that left… it’s privacy that gatekeeps what frilly soaps John uses…”
He motioned to Lennon, who was sniffing the air. “Lilac….” He whispered.
“Well at least we didn’t lose any money…” said Brian “manager” Epstein.
“Privacy’s more important! And that’s the subject we’re on right now…Hmm?” Said Harrison.
“What is it…?” Asked Brian Eptien.
“You see that ...scrumptious, curvy, cutie…”
“I see. George...that’s what we were just talking about.” Said the manager as he looked at the guitar next to the doorway to the other room where there was some event.
“Not that guitar, the girl behind it,” George said.
“Hm…? Oh hey,” said Epstein, “That's Pattie Boyd! Why don't I take you over and introduce you?”
George Harrison blushed. “Oh, no, no, no, I, I'm, I'm so shy…”
“Aww, come on, George! You wait here while I go break the ice.
Brian Epstein quickly ran off
“Eppy, no, wait! I'm too nervous!”
Brian walked over to Pattie.
“AAACK,” She said, “Oh it’s you. Hi. Is that George Harrison back there?”
Brian nodded. “Yes, would you like me to introduce you?”
“Well, I'm not…” replied Pattie Boyd, blushing and all that.
Brian interrupted her. “Don't move!”
He ran back to George and put his hand around his shoulder, and walked back.
“Oh!” Responded Boyd.
Brian Epstein dragged George over to Pattie Boyd.
“George, I'd like to introduce you to Pattie Boyd…”
George Harrison flopped forward onto the floor. Brian Epstein propped him back up.
“Pattie, I'd like to introduce you to George Harrison.”
“Uh, hello,” said Pattie nervously.
George Harrison quivered.
“Psst! George, say hello,” Brian whispered.
Harrison started muttering.
“No, no, George. Just say hello.”
Harrison just grunted.
“Hmm, perhaps another time would be…” Pattie Boyd said.
As Pattie Boyd started to leave, George Harrison yelled at Brian Epstein. “NO!”
“Wait!” Said the manager.
LPattie Boyd sat down on a chair.
“He's trying to tell you something.”
“George?” Said Pattie.
George Harrison jerked his eyes and moved his arms around weirdly, speaking gibberish.
“I don't understand.” Said Pattie.
George looked to Brian.
“Oh! I think he’s saying that he'd like to…”
George Harrison motioned some kind of thing.
“...hit you with a rake!”
“GOD!” said Pattie Boyd.
“NO!???” Yelled Harrison.
George started to motion something else while muttering something to Brian.
“Try to guess your weight.”
“I-”
George Harrison flailed his arms while speaking gibberish. “AUUUGADAAATEEEE
“No, wait. He wants to take you…well I have no clue. How about I just set you two up on a date.”
George gasped happily and fell over.
a day later
“Ready for your date, George?” Asked Brian Epstein.
“I'm always ready when it comes to dating.”
Brian Epstein held a list as the two walked down dressed up all fancy-like.
“Breath?” Asked Brian Epstein.
George Harrison sprayed his mouth with breath spray. “Check!”
“Lucky hanky?”
“Check!” Said George as he took out a hanker chief.
“ Giant rusty anchor?”
“Uh, anchor?! Anchor?! I can't find my giant rusty anchor!”
“Relax, George,” he said while opening the door, “just a little joke. Good luck with you know who…”
Brian Epstein proceeded to trace the exact shape of Pattie Boyd in the air with his index finger as he moved his eyebrows up and down.
“Who's that?” Asked the George .
“...Pattie Boyd.”
“Oh, yeah. Well, wish me luck!”
🫧🫧🫧
“Oh, George Harrison! This dinner has been so wonderful. The coral- I mean- steak was cooked to perfection! I don't think I could eat another bite.”
“Oh, I doubt that, my little shrimp boat.”
“You're spoiling me, George. I mean, foot rubs between courses. Caricatures. Imported music.”
“Nothing's too good for you, my Hamburger Pattie.”
A waiter walked up. “Uh, sir, your fancy pantsy limousine is here,” he said, in a waiter way.
“Wonderful!” Replied Harrison. “Pattie-poo, your chariot awaits!”
George Harrison whistled as two men joined the waiter in carrying a screaming Pattie Boyd away.
“You'll never have to walk again!”
“Um George you might wanna look at the bill…” said Eppy.
“EEK,” George shrieked like an old lady. “I forgot you were here.”
He took the bill from him.
“Huh? What?!” He said as he looked at the paper. “$100?! Well, this can't possibly be correct!”
“Oh, my mistake, sir. Thank you for pointing that out,” said the waiter. He handed George Harrison a different bill. “This is your bill.”
George Harrison took the bill, looked down, and his eyes enlarged.
“WHAT???!!!!” He screamed.
The scream shattered the windows, and he fainted before being driven home with Eppy.
🫧🫧🫧
Harrison,back in his normal clothes, was crying on the floor because of how much he spent.
Brian Epstein was also there.
“I don't understand, George,” started Epstein, “How can you spend $100,000 in one night?”
George Harrison got up, sniffling.
“I couldn't help but spend every cent I had on her! I couldn't control myself!”
“What are you gonna do?”
“I don't know! I've got another date tomorrow! I'm caught in the middle of my two great loves: Sweet Pattie Boyd, and the rest of my money!” He said. He started sobbing again.
“I wish there was some way I could help,” said Epstein as he rubbed George’s back.
George Harrison stopped crying.
“Maybe there is,” George said as he handed his wallet to Epstein, “I'm putting you in charge of my money.”
“I don't get it, George,” said Eppy, “me?”
“Well, gambling addiction or not, it’s not like you’ve got any women to waste it all on.”
“Hmm….”
“You come with me on the date and don't let me spend any money…please?”
🫧🫧🫧
George Harrison and Brian Epstein walked up to Pattie Boyd’s house.
“Now remember, we keep it cheap by going to the park. And no matter how much I ask you, you don't give me any of my money. Now give me a dollar.”
“Nope!”
“Perfect.”
George Harrison knocked on the door.
“Who is it?” Asked a voice inside.
“um…it’s me…” replied Harrison nervously.
“Just a minute!”
Suddenly, George turned around.
“I forgot flowers- can you go get flowers?” He asked.
“But you said-“
“Eppy! You can't call on a lady like Pattie Boyd empty-handed! We're not talking about this…” he said as he made a square shape in the air with his finger, “Or this…” he made a triangle in the air, “We're talking about this!” He traced the exact shape of Pattie Boyd in the air with his index finger .
“Almost ready-“ said Pattie from inside.
Please! Get the flowers! I’m so shy and so what if she doesn’t even see me standing here if I don’t have a bouquet…”
Brian Epstein ran off to the flower shop as Pattie Boyd opened her door.
“Hello,” said George.
“That's funny, I thought I heard Brian Epstein's voice...” she said.
“Uh... you did. He'll be right back. He's our personal assistant for the day.”
“Oh, e-excuse me, I have to call my insurance agent.”
Pattie Boyd hurries back inside
“Of course, my beautiful Burger Meat.”
George heard footsteps and turned around. “George Harrison,” said Brian while he walked to give George Harrison the flowers. “I got the flowers you wanted me to buy!”
“What's that?” Asked George as he scrunched his nose.
“I got the flowers for Pattie Boyd?”
We had an agreement!!! You aren't supposed to spend any of my money!”
“But you said-“
George grabbed the bouquet as the door opened.
“For you, Pattie!”
Pattie grabbed the flowers
“Flowers? Oh, how thoughtful!”
George held out an empty claw. “And here's a box of chocolates...Hm?”
He turned back to Brian Epstein. “Eppy, where's the chocolates?”
“George, the budget doesn't allow for-“
“Eppy, you can't go to Pattie Boyd's house without chocolates. Hurry! Hurry!”
Brian Epstein ran off and came back with a heart-shaped box of chocolates.
“I bought the biggest box they had,” he said, exasperated.
“Buy, buy, buy! Spend, spend, spend! Is that all you can think about…? Money and material goods aren’t even the most important things. Like.”
“Oh you shouldn’t have!” Said Pattie.
“Yes. Here's those chocolates I bought for you. What are we doing today, Pattie? Dinner? Dancing? A trip to the moon?”
“Psst,, we're just going for a walk in the park, remember?” he reminded him.
“Actually, a walk in the park sounds perfect. It's a beautiful day,” said Pattie, “I'll just need to get a sun hat and…”
George turned to Brian. “Oh no, Pattie Boyd needs a sun hat!”
Brian Epstein shook his head. “Oh, I think she-“
“The sun is beating down on poor Pattie’s head…and mine also…I need a sun hat too…” George said as he kicked a rock.
“As your financial advisor, I suggest-“
“There's no time for suggestions! Go buy a hat!”
Brian Epstein started to leave, but came back.
“But-“ he started.
“No!”
Brian Epstein ran off and Pattie Boyd put her hands over her mouth. “Don't worry, Pattie,” said George as he took out a barrel, “I’ll shade you!” He put the barrel on the top of her head.
Brian came back drom the store with the hats.
“Two shady hats!” He said.
George Harrison put a hat on Boyd, and another on himself.
“Oh, well, thank you,” said Pattie Boyd, “but you didn't need to buy one. I have a hat in the closet.”
“Didn't need to buy one?” Harrison said as he turned his head around like an owl to face Brian Epstein.“You hear that? We didn't need to buy a hat! Aren't you supposed to be saving my money…?”
Brian Epstein sighed. “I'm trying, George! But you keep telling me to buy things for Pattie Boyd! It's all really confusing.”
“Eppy, I'm sorry. This is my fault. I'm not thinking clearly. I'm making a sailor's promise. From this moment on, I won't ask you to buy anything for Pattie Boyd.”
A few moments later…
“Eppy! Pattie Boyd needs a new fur coat!”
Brian Epstein bought one. “You're spending all the money!”
“Pattie needs a new pair of shoes”
“I got them!”
“You're breaking me!”
“She needs fine jewelry- Not that fine!”
Brian Epstein ran back and forth, speeding up, carrying various items as George Harrison kept yelling his name. He eventually became too tired to move.
“Eppy!”
Brian Epstein came back with a pink umbrella. “EPPY! EPPY!”
Brian Epstein came back with a bicycle
“EPPY!”
He came back with a purple surfboard.
“Eppy!”
He came back with a grandfather clock.
“Eppy!”
A barbell.
“Eppy”
A TV
“EPPPYYY!” his voice echoed, and Brian Epstein fell to the ground, his arms stretched, panting.
“Eppy!” Said George, “I'm glad I caught you. I want you to buy Pattie Boyd…”
“Wait! Don't tell me!” he replied. “You want me to run down to the store and buy Pattie Boyd something she doesn't need! Then you want me to run back here, so you can say, ‘oh, you're spending all my money!’ And then I'll say, ‘But George, I'm only doing what you said!’ Then you'll say, ‘We're not talking about this,’”, he drew a triangle in the air, “or this,” he drew a square in the air, “we're talking about THIS!"
He drew a squiggle in the air all over.
“...But this time's different! Pattie Boyd needs this!”
Pattie Boyd was surrounded in unnecessary items.
“Are we... going to the park soon?” She asked.
“Please, I'm begging you!” George pleaded. “I'm a shy boy who's found love! Don't let me lose her!” He started to cry.
“George, don't. Don't cry, George!” He said. “Come on. Okay, I, I'm going to get it, see?” He ran to the store and back.
“Cheer up, George, Here's that washing machine you wanted.”
“Cheer up?” George said as he wiped his nose. “How can I cheer up... when you're spending all my hard-earned cash?!”
Brian Epstein dropped the washing machine and pointed at Harrison, “See?! You just did it again!”
“How could you blame me for that when I’m literally the quiet Beatle… I can’t help it if you're loose with other people's money.”
Brian Epstein got a blank expression on his face.
“…..Do you think Pattie will need a dryer to go along with that?”
“…Well.” Said Brian Epstein. “Do you want to know what I think!”
He then went into something that would best be described as a fit of rage, but that wouldn’t be enough to cover it. He used words that neither George nor Pattie had ever heard before.
Pattie Boyd looked up these words in the dictionary that George Harrison bought her, gasping and blushing. Brian Epstein angrily walked past her while muttering. George Harrison's mouth was agape.
“I didn't know he had such a colorful vocabulary... Actually, there's something I'd like to say, too, George,” said Pattie as she took off her fur coat and hat, “I'm afraid I just don't feel comfortable accepting all these gifts.”
“Ok” said Harrison.
“You're a very sweet man, George.”
Pattie kissed him and started to walk off into the sunset.