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It's Spend a Week With Dad Day, something Kurt Wagner is reminded of every day for a month beforehand, up until the last week, where he's reminded three times a day, by text message, email, flyer, owl, and signs in the sky. It's tough being a heir to a throne you never wanted. Heir to a man you never wanted? Maybe. Heir to an immortal part mutant, part demon. A father would be great, too bad Kurt's comes in the shape, and colour, of Azazel. The problem is not that the man is a villain with poor sexual ethics and an ever poorer taste in women, to the extent of foisting Mystique on Kurt as a mother, it's that he's needy. Although, to be fair, he's become less needy since a witch magically teleported into the middle of one of his evil plans and stuck a ring on his finger…If Kurt is perfectly honest with himself…he's a little jealous. Not envious, jealous. He's always been number one in the Red Lord's life, and now he fears he isn't.
As on other Father's Days, Kurt does not go to Azazel, Azazel comes to him. That's extra convienent since the man moved to England, to go live in the damp and the green. Just to show that he doesn't want anything to do with him, and he's definitely being abducted against his will, Nightcrawler makes sure to be doing Nightcrawler things when Azazel is due to show up, things which include training with Logan, Kitty, and all his other homies.
"Woah, watch it, bub! I'm walking here!" Logan yells at a laser beam which narrowly avoided melting his garish spandex. It's a robot though, and while the Danger Room fixture understands that it's being yelled at, it doesn't understand why.
'Problem?' it squawks, it's single red eye blinking.
"Yeah, you can bet your tin ass there's a problem! Who do you think you are?!"
Kitty skips over to the short and angry man. "Logan-"
"Hold up, sweetheart, I'm giving this thing a piece of my mind."
And so on and so forth. Above them, upside down on the ceiling, Kurt checks his watch. Azazel is late. He was supposed to abduct him at twelve and it's five past twelve now. Latent daddy issues begin to make a normally placid man very angry very fast. Has anyone ever thought to distill and weaponize Daddy slash Mommy Issues? Because they should. Whoever did would win easily, wiping out both Good and Bad guys instantly in one fell swoop.
At fifteen minutes past twelve Kurt begins to get hit by lasers himself as he paces back and forth on the ground, his tail lashing to left and right, his eyes shards of the sun itself. He's so angry that he looks fully one fifth as demonic as his father does effortlessly. That's a new record.
Logan ceases to bark at robots, him and Kitty turning to watch their comrade behave very strangely. "Hey, kid, you alright?" asks the Wolverine, a big old softy when he's not savagely dismembering people.
"Perfectly." mutters Kurt, his hands tightening behind his back.
"Now that's a lie, and lying is a sin, Blue."
"Fine," expelling a deep sigh, the teleporter teleports over to his friends, and checks his watch. "My dad's late. He was supposed to kidnap me at midday exactly, and it's now quarter to one."
The man and girl exchange glances. No one wants to step on this minefield, not even superhealing Wolverine. Most of the time calling Azazel Kurt's father is a bad idea, even if he does it himself, but a conversation cannot be had otherwise. Luckily, the deeply awkward and lengthy conversation that needs to occur is postponed once again, when the serial deadbeat BAMFs in out of nowhere, emerging out of the Brimstone Dimension above and behind his favourite son. Clearly in some sort of rush, Azazel wraps his tail around Kurt's upper arm and teleports again, leaving a shower of hundreds and thousands raining onto the flabbergasted X-Men.
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"You're late."
"I told you, my dear boy, I was at a very delicate stage of the baking process."
Although travelling through the Brimstone Dimension is very quick, Azazel can also make it feel like going on a road trip across continents with him, something he does every time he pulls Kurt through it with him. The pair chat while falling through bilious yellow clouds of brimstone, connected by the Red Lord's tail.
"Why are you baking?! Since when do you bake?! Is it a Cake of World Domination? It had better be." huffs the younger of the two demon mutants. Extreme horror permeates his soul as he worries that his universe conquering father has been transformed into a house husband. This is like God of War all over again.
"For your sister's birthday, of course. And no, it's only symbolically a Cake of World Domination." replies Azazel, good naturedly.
Oh yes, Spend a Week With Dad Day is simultaneously Spend a Week With Your Little Sister Day, which is a much less complicated and emotionally fraught prospect.
Kurt has to return to his famously friendly disposition when he and Azazel pop out of the otherworld before a pretty and anonymous cottage in the Cheshire countryside, near idyllic forests and fields. White and black in the Tudor manner, it also possesses a thatched roof and a pretty, leafy garden full of trees and roses and water features, giving it a fairytale vibe. Well, he doesn't have to return to his friendly state, but he does, because as far as he knows, Hermione Granger (still Granger because Azazel possesses no last name) has done nothing wrong, and has actually only done good, at least when it comes to his father.
The next thing Azazel does sorely tempts his son to kick him in the ass, literally. "Honey, I'm home." rasps the devil as soon as he ducks through the door, ending off his sickly sweet cliche with an ashy giggle.
"Did you teleport outside the door just so you could perform this pantomime?" inquires Kurt, a petulant look on his face.
"Of course, dear." Azazel's tail slaps his son in the chest, just hard enough to sting, the man's red lip lifting to reveal one fang-like canine, his one visible eye changing from icy blue to venomous yellow. In response, Kurt grins. Good to know the old Azazel is still in there somewhere.
Hermione Granger, mother extraordinaire, wife extraordinaire, and witch extraordinaire, she who defeated one of the X-Men's most potent and long serving nemeses, trots down the stairs, glowing in a manner which would tell another woman that she's pregnant. However, Kurt sees nothing but his stepmother, a pretty scary young woman.
"Good afternoon, Kurt. So good to see you," she says, hugging the mutant warmly before addressing her husband. "I just put Nox down for a nap, Az."
Both men's tails lash, eager to see the cute little baby. However, for now they both have to associate nicely, with Hermione playing host. Kurt would rather retreat to his room though, which contains everything he needs to distract himself from the whirlwind of confusing feelings inside himself. Maybe he'll reorganize his wardrobe again, which here is a copy of his one at Professor Xavier's. 'Why don't you move in with us?' Hermione asks sometimes, with a sad smile. Because. Because his father abandoned him, that's why. Twice over. Once physically, and once by being evil. Never mind that the old state of things was easier to handle than this new one.
After a couple hours being asked by Azazel and Hermione if he'd like something to eat or drink, and then sitting around in the living room while the pair go about their cosy lives, baby Nox finally wakes up, making the teleporters leap from their seats on opposite sides of the room. Hermione giggles over her magical book of biscuit recipes. All three traipse upstairs (via their feet so as not to scare the child) to ooh and aah over the little girl where she lies babbling away in her cot, smiling happily. Red as her father, as well as tailed and fanged and clawed, she nonetheless possesses an attribute even he doesn't.
"Why does she get wings and I don't?" Kurt whines.
An interesting family dinner is had by one and all, as he continues to sulk, while attempting not to seem to be doing so. His father and his wife chatter brightly about all sorts of interesting topics, especially history and mythology, including him in the conversation as much as they can. He contributes mainly huffs, but occasionally rises out of himself to ask Hermione about Hogwarts and her past and her friends.
"Don't they mind that you've married…him?" he darts his eyes at his father, who arches a brow back.
Hermione sniffs. "No. I mean, Harry married a ginger, so what can he say?"
Kurt attempts to go to bed early, but he is prevented in this by his parents (mein Gott!!) inviting him to join them on an evening stroll, and he agrees because Hermione is so nice, proceeding to trail around behind them while midges divebomb his face. Local old people, busy dog walking, see a handsome man in a black suit, his beautiful wife, a gorgeous baby in a stroller, and the grumpy teen slash adult son slouching along at a distance, his hands in the pocket of his hoody.
"What a lovely family." sigh the elderly.
The next day the group head off to a butterfly sanctuary, not that Nox will remember the trip taken in her honour. But they'll have photos, and she can still enjoy the beautiful little creatures, those living flowers.
While Azazel is busy collecting tickets from the appropriate counter as free butterflies float all around him, Kurt hisses at his back, half in wonder, half in annoyance. "What happened to you? Butterfly sanctuaries…marriage…a cottage."
The red mutant playfully slaps his son's stomach with his tail, stands up straight and flairs his tickets like a fan in the same move. They're very pretty tickets, each being shaped like a different flavour of butterfly. "After several thousand years, I grew up, my boy. Let's hope it doesn't take you even half as long."
'Ooooh, buuuurn!' Kurt imagines Gambit cackling into his ear.
"Hmm-"
"Listen," Azazel drops an arm around the smaller mutant's shoulder's. "We're working out that kinks here, my dear. Give me a break. I'm semi-good now. Isn't that what you X-Normies want?"
"Aah, ja…but don't ever be late again."
"Hahaha. If I ever am again, I'll bring you biscuits. Azazel in an apron and mitts, fall to the ground in despair, world!"
At that Kurt has to snort, and once he begins snorting he begins laughing, and once he begins laughing, his emo mood evaporates entirely.