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Namjoon always had an inkling that he was bisexual, but he never really had an overbearing urge to pursue men at that point in his life. Being with women was enough, and any men that caught his eye he just pinned at from afar until he could find another women to take away some of that yearning.
When Bangtan was formed and Namjoon met the members, he knew he was in some trouble because everyone was really, really, attractive. However, as they grew closer and became friends, he began seeing them as just really close brothers and he felt at ease again. Well at ease with all except one.
Seokjin was from anyone’s perspective— man or women— a very attractive person. He was also in every sense a complete contrast as a person in both body and personality and it seemed to appeal to every gender, and Namjoon was definitely not immune.
Seokjin had a pretty face but sharp angles, a slim body, but built on broad broad shoulders. Even his personality fought itself. He was frail, fragile, and soft, but also strong and determined when needed, with fire in his eyes. He wasn’t afraid to fight if it called for it, but he would much rather be kind and gentle. He was also contrary to popular belief a pretty darn good leader if needed. He lead behind the scenes as a guide of sorts, but he claimed it was too much work and he didn’t care for it, so when Namjoon was chosen to lead he easily let him step into the role.
Namjoon’s thing for Seokjin started off as just a small crush that grew and grew until Namjoon didn’t know what to do with his feelings anymore because they overwhelmed and consumed him— till it felt like Seokjin was everywhere and his everything. His happiness was Seokjin and his sadness was Seokjin, and Namjoon was defined by the beautiful man with a sweet smile and spirited eyes.
In Namjoon’s defense, he never planned on things getting this bad. His infatuation had started out as just innocent looks cast across the room in Seokjin’s direction. Which then lead way to shy conversations and figuring out everything that made up their oldest, and now it was barely concealed feelings. He felt naked without any clothes on at the smallest look from Seokjin, because he knew the look of happiness that probably crossed his own face, screamed insurmountable joy. He hoped no one knew, but Namjoon honestly had no control at this point so if someone had figured it out by now, he wouldn’t even be surprised. Probably ashamed, and scared, and so lost— but not surprised.
He doesn’t think Seokjin will never find out though because Seokjin doesn’t realize the affect he has on people. Namjoon has seen so many, who considered Seokjin to be just another pretty face come out a few hours later after being in his company and becoming completely smitten. Seokjin is magnetizing and enticing and you might not see it at first, but dig just a little deeper and he’s so so so much more than people write him off as.
He’s sweetness and happiness and strength, so much fucking strength than his soft features presage. Seokjin is captivating and Namjoon breathes him in and it feels like Seokjin is stuck to his soul. Sticky sticky like tar melting into his bones and seeping and heading straight for his soul. Namjoon has nowhere to run and he wants to scream sometimes in loneliness, and sometimes in frustration because Seokjin is only a room away but he doesn’t see Namjoon like Namjoon sees him. Namjoon can’t touch Seokjin and love Seokjin like he wishes he could. Like he has touched and loved girls before, and he’s scared because he can’t control his emotions anymore. He never thought he would be so out of control, but he is and he doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t know what to do, while Seokjin is oblivious.
He honestly expected his feelings to die out or stop, but instead they keep growing like wild flowers strong and unstoppable, like Seokjin himself. Leaves, thorny stems, and pale delicate colors that draw you in like a lie.
Beautiful.
The leaves spread to no end, roots sinking deep into his heart and blossoming flowers in a mix of sinful vibrant colors, with Namjoon’s body is their container. They press against his being trying to burst out and spill from within him, to tear him apart till he has thorny stems growing up his throat pressing against his insides—until he can’t hold himself together anymore and he wilts as the flowers that is this love, grow.
Namjoon just wants to sleep and never wake up. It’s hard pretending like this, and being so out of control. He knows that things are too messy, he’s wavering on edge, threatening to tip a scale, and he feels things coming to an end soon, for better or for worse.
______________________
Namjoon thinks the catalyst for it all was Taehyung— the chain of events started with the second youngest before they led to this end. He can’t blame him though, Taehyung’s always been more perceptive than people give him credit for— then even Namjoon gave him credit for, and it obviously comes to bite him in the ass.
It’s lunch and half the members are out of the dorm for schedules but Taehyung, Seokjin and Namjoon don’t have anything until later in the evening so they are staying back. Namjoon’s stomach rumbles loudly as all three of them are sitting in front of the TV, and Seokjin laughs getting up.
“I’ll make you something.” He says giggling, and Namjoon hates the way even a laugh from the other makes his heartache. He loves Seokjin’s attention, but he also gets too much hope, and he can’t keep the thousand watt smile off his face as he thanks him and asks him if he needs any help.
“Please Kim Namjoon, I’m trying to make lunch not ruin it.” he replies, and Namjoon pouts before he ends up smiling and Seokjin is laughing cutely.
Taehyung has been watching them this entire time, his face void of emotion, but eyes wise and firm with hidden intelligence. After Seokjin leaves the room he turns to give Namjoon a look before he looks away.
“You smile so wide when Seokjin hyung is concerned,” he says nonchalantly, but there is a meaningfulness behind his words and Namjoon goes stiff as Taehyung turns to look at him again. He means something and Namjoon knows what he means, but he can’t find words to answer back so he says nothing and Taehyung doesn’t either.
The next person to call him out on it is unsurprisingly, Yoongi. It’s not surprising both, because he is very intelligent when it comes to people, but also because Yoongi also swings both ways so he probably understands Seokjin’s magnetism. However, Unlike Taehyung who very carefully touched at the matter and then left it undisturbed, when Namjoon refuses to answer Yoongi, the older has no such tact. He’s an honest and straightforward person, and Namjoon sighs.
“So why do you look like Seokjin put the sun in the sky everytime you talk or look at him.” He asks bluntly with no care and very much out of nowhere. They had been talking about music bars a few seconds ago.
“Jesus Hyung.” Namjoon pleads, but doesn’t say anything besides that. However Yoongi isn’t Taehyung and he keeps staring at Namjoon waiting for a reply until the younger frowns and finally turns to him. “Its… I don’t, okay.” he says lamely and Yoongi rolls his eyes.
“Yeah sure. Feed that shit to someone who will believe it Namjoon. I know you like him but recently you’ve been getting less subtle with your… affection.” He says and Namjoon starts going cold.
He doesn’t want to hear this, he can’t, so he gets up and leaves.
After that it’s a barrage of different members pointing out his feelings, showing him his weakness, his festering wound that won’t close because Seokjin keeps cruelly opening it back up with his smiles and sweetness.
Namjoon loves and hates that it was Seokjin he chose to love. He loves it because there’s honestly no better person to love than Seokjin, but he hates it for the very same reason, because Namjoon can’t forget him when Seokjin is so sweet and everything anyone could want. He’s amazing, and beautiful, and how does Namjoon even begin to tell himself to forget him.
______________________
Taehyung is the catalyst, but Jungkook is the one that puts a pistol to his head— blunt barrel of the gun resting against his temple as he unknowingly pulls the trigger. Taehyung pushes him into his slow descent to the end, but jungkook is the one waiting with a scythe at that bottom that seals his fate.
It happens in a waiting room after they come back from performing. The staff are milling around them as they all are in various forms of collapse on the sofas.
They are sprawled over each other and he has Jimin collapsed over him on one side and Seokjin with his head resting against his chest on the other. The older’s hair is tickling his chin and Namjoon has to control himself and breathe normally. Seokjin smells like lavender shampoo and designer clothes mingled together and the scent makes Namjoon dizzy.
It’s then that Jungkook who has his own head resting against Yoongi’s shoulder speaks up. He says the next few words so innocently and carelessly, Namjoon still can’t believe those words brought about such misery.
“You should lean on Namjoon hyung more often Seokjin hyung. Look how happy he is with you on him.” he chuckles at himself, but everyone else in the room freezes and Namjoon struggles to breath properly. He finally finds his voice and chuckles awkwardly and he feels Seokjin stiffen against him and Yoongi is watching Seokjin with a look that isn’t good before he loside eyes Namjoon.
“Shut up Jungkook.” Namjoon says through gritted teeth and an underlying threat. But he knows Jungkook didn’t mean it and he has his head bowed with an incredibly shameful and apologetic look to prove it. He plays along with Namjoon and laughs awkwardly too.
“Yeah sorry hyung.” He says and then goes immediately silent as everyone else gives a mandatory laugh and then they squirm awkwardly in their seats until Jimin brings up something else.
Namjoon wishes he could see Seokjin’s face, but he can only feel the stiff muscles of his back against his chest and he hopes he hasn’t caught the underlying meaning in Jungkook’s words. That he thinks it’s just awkward teasing and that this isn’t the nightmare Namjoon thinks this is playing out to be.
Honesty the words weren’t overtly obvious, but Namjoon has recently found out that Seokjin plays dumb concerning a lot more things than Namjoon thought. It happened a few days ago when Namjoon was being careless again. He had been helping massage Seokjin’s shoulders, trying to get the kinks out after a long day, and he might have been a little more self conscious and awkward about it than he ought to have been— with lingering hands and awkward pauses because being this close to Seokjin always did things to him, but it wasn’t so overt that Seokjin should have noticed… but Seokjin did. He let Namjoon carry on for a little while longer before he told him it was enough with a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. Namjoon didn’t think it could be what he was suspecting, but right now he realizes it was. That Seokjin knows more than he lets on, that Seokjin knows, has known everything. He knows the things he does to Namjoon, he knows how he hurts him, he knows it all.
And just like that day, Seokjin also moves away from him this time, at first only a little bit, before he just entirely gets off of him and sits quietly by Namjoon’s side instead.
Namjoon hurts. This is why he hadn’t wanted to confess. He foresaw this ending, he had predicted this pain. Though the actual feeling of rejection is a million times more painful in actuality then it is in thought. It’s like ur soul is being dragged to the very depths of unexplored oceans and you can’t breath, water is filling your lungs but you aren’t dying, so you’re just in this painful limbo that never ends— Unable to breath, looking around you in fascination because you didn’t know hurting this much was even possible. It’s a devastating pain, a pain that changes you.
Just then Seokjin turns and looks at him with reservation in his eyes.
Namjoon feels his world collapse in on itself that day. He doesn’t quite remember the car ride back home.
______________________
He knows the talk is coming. Even though Seokjin took a few days to himself, keeping a wide distance from him, not ignoring Namjoon but not talking to him unless necessary either. Eyes downcast as he quietly asked or said something to him and then walked away taking Namjoon’s heart out of his chest with him. But Namjoon is anticipating a talk, and he’s holding his breath as he waits.
It happens on a late night, about a week after Jungkook laid out Namjoon’s heart for all of them to see. One second all the members are in the dorm, and the next moment they are bustling out the door to get food, not even bothering to ask Namjoon or Seokjin if they want to come along. Namjoon knows that Seokjin probably orchestrated this with them, he’s a little mad but he knows that it needs to happen. His stomach still twists in knots though because he’s so scared. Seokjin has his heart in his hands and Seokjin is so, so sweet and lovely and everything Namjoon could want but he’s still afraid Seokjin will drop his heart and hurt him. Namjoon’s so afraid of Seokjin hurting him.
It must show in his eyes because when Seokjin comes into the living room wringing his fingers together and looks at Namjoon about to say something, he stops mid sentence and his eyes soften before he starts again.
“Namjoonie,” He calls sweetly, and Namjoon squeezes his eyes shut because who is he even kidding, even the gentlest of Seokjin’s actions hurt him. “We need to talk.” Seokjin says and Namjoon nods.
“Yeah… okay.” He replies quietly and moves over on the couch so Seokjin can sit down. When Seokjin settles on the other side he tries to play dumb. “About what?” he asks softly stealing a glance at the older whose eyebrows furrow and a frown appears on his face.
“Don’t dance around it Namjoon. We both know what.” he says, and Namjoon sighs, it was worth a shot at least, he thinks before curving in on himself.
“Alright what do you want to talk about?” He asks, sighing heavily and running a hand through his hair. “I—I’m sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable in any way… Just give me some time… I’ll get over it. Or you, I’ll get over you.” He whispers the last part and looks up at Seokjin, his eyes feel glassy but he tries to hold his feelings in as Seokjin looks at him. There’s pain and pity mixed into his eyes and Seokjin sighs shakily trying to find words.
“Are you saying you like me?” He asks quietly, and Namjoon gives a tired chuckle.
“Are you saying you didn’t know.” he asks slightly bitter, and Seokjin looks taken aback.
“I— I— no… no, I’m sorry Namjoon…I knew. I’m sorry. I… I knew.” He says and Namjoon feels a tear finally fall as he rests his mouth against his fist looking away. He knew, but hearing it still hurts. It confirms what he thought, that Seokjin knew but didn’t pursue it because he didn’t feel the same. Seokjin goes on quietly “I thought it was just a small crush and you would get over it. Namjoon. Namjoon i’m sorry.” He says and Namjoon shakes his head because this isn’t Seokjin’s fault. He looks over at Seokjin. Beautiful, lovely Seokjin who is sweet and very proud but also so self conscious. He’s a contradiction, and he’s lovely, it hurts.
He does not mean to, he can’t help it when he reaches to pull Seokjin close and kiss him full on the mouth. Seokjin is taken aback and rigid at first, but he eventually relaxes, though he never responds to the kiss in the least. It’s just Namjoon pouring feelings and emotions and trying to somehow make Seokjin feel the way he feels, but Seokjin doesn't— and he never kisses back, he doesn’t throw him off either, but he never kisses back. Namjoon feels tears well up and fall down his face and the kiss becomes salty and bitter and Seokjin’s lips are everything he had imagined they would be sweet and full and soft, but this kiss is everything he didn’t want it to be.
He finally parts from Seokjin only an inch between their faces and looks up at his eyes and there nothing but pity there, and Namjoon just cries harder and pulls away completely before Seokjin wraps his arms around him and pulls him back into a hug.
Namjoon cries into the older’s shoulder as Seokjin holds him so tight it hurts, but Namjoon likes hurting like this, it distracts from the real pain thats tearing his heart to pieces.
“I’m sorry” he says, and Namjoon knows he is. And he knows he’s hurting Seokjin too by doing this, but he doesn’t know how to stop it. He doesn’t know how to turn his feelings off because Seokjin is one of the most amazing people he’s ever gotten to know and he doesn’t know how to find someone as amazing as Seokjin. Someone who makes him laugh and smile as hard or feel a deep aching in his chest, and a want so greedy and black he isn’t even sure if it’s healthy.
He wants Seokjin so bad he would do anything to have him, but you can’t force someone to have feelings, and that makes Namjoon cry harder.
“I’m sorry Namjoon. I’m so sorry. Tell me what to do? How can I make this easier Namjoon? I’m sorry.” Seokjin whispers over and over, and hugs even tighter and Namjoon chokes back tears and shakes his head against Seokjin’s large shoulders. It was never Seokijn’s fault, Namjoon just thought that maybe… just maybe, he might feel that same way? That he might have a chance? But it was never Seokjin’s fault. Namjoon pulls back, holding Seokjin an arms length away and shakes his head with red eyes and a blotchy face.
“It’s not your fault hyung.” He chokes out trying his best to keep his composure for as long as he can. “I just. I needed to get over it too. I’m—i’ll be fine.” he says and then he gathers a last bit of strength and gets up from the couch and leaves.
Namjoon is still crying when Jungkook comes into their shared room later that night, but he just grabs his blankets and pillows and goes right out after giving Namjoon a quick awkward hug. Namjoon appreciates it.
______________________
Days following that day spell out a hazy fog that Namjoon is afraid will be the rest of his forever. No matter what he does forgetting Seokjin doesn’t seem likely and Namjoon hates himself, but at least the constant ache has subsided into just the barest of twinges when Seokjin is close.
Namjoon is the one doing the avoiding now as he keeps wide breaths of space between himself and the older, and the sadness Seokjin looks at him with hurts Namjoon even more because he wants to shake Seokjin by the shoulders like a child as he demands unreasonable things.
Stop caring about me, stop being nice to me, stop looking for me if you don’t want me the way I want you to want me.
It’s so juvenile and selfish, Namjoon knows it is, but he’s hurting and he can’t help but act impetulant. He wishes the world would tell him why he has to love Seokjin this much when Seokjin doesn’t even like him back. Is he not good enough? Not handsome enough? Not even worth a minute of Seokjin’s time. Namjoon feels like an idiot because he knows it’s not that simple, that loving another person doesn’t work like that, but at the same time, when he’s awake at five in the morning, he can’t help but think about how he will never be enough. He will never be good enough for Seokjin to love him.
But eventually wounds scab over and Namjoon learns to pretend.
It takes about a month or so before he can be comfortable around the others again, and another month before he can talk to Seokjin comfortably. Namjoon pretends he’s over Seokjin and he’s better at hiding his feelings now. The others buy his act this time and it makes him both glad, but miserable at the same time. He has no one to talk to.
He’s not sure if Seokjin knows this time around— the elder can be insightful sometimes but unobservant others so Namjoon just pretends even harder to make sure no one ever finds out. He hopes that while pretending, he might even fool himself someday.
Honestly Namjoon wonders if he will ever get over Seokjin.
For now he quietly just waits by his side.