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Estelle and Joshua were about the most deeply connected couple one could imagine finding in Liberl, maybe even in all of Zemuria. But even they were far from immune to having arguments, albeit much more rarely than most. They had both gone to their respective rooms to cool off after their fight had reached a boiling point, and for roughly an hour that was where they left off.
Eventually, as tends to be the case, both sides calmed down enough to realize where they had gone too far. Or, rather, Estelle realized she had been insensitive, and that she had been unfair to Joshua. She was filled with a need to apologize to him, despite the embarrassment involved. She worked up the courage and went to knock on Joshua’s door. Only, it opened from the inside just as her hand was about to make contact.
“Oh, Estelle…”
“J-Joshua! I, ummm… c-can we talk?”
“Sure, I was just hoping to talk to you.”
“O-okay… You can go first if you want.”
Joshua closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Half due to love and half due to guilt, he felt a general aversion to confronting Estelle on near anything that wasn’t life or death. And besides, advocating for himself - especially when it was against her - just felt wrong. A little bit of unhealed damage, perhaps.
And yet, Joshua also recognized that now that they were a couple, things would have to start changing. They couldn’t just act the same way they did when they were immature kids who didn’t fully understand theirselves nor their partner. If they wanted to make this relationship work - and by the Goddess, they wanted it to work more than anything - he needed to learn to communicate better. That meant letting down his guard, being open and honest, and yes, advocating for himself.
“When… when you, umm, we, ah…”
Joshua could practically feel the sweat on his brow before it even formed, but steeled his resolve and forced himself to continue.
“When… t-towards the end of the, umm, argument, you b-brought up what happened on the terrace last year.”
‘That’s it, Joshua. No need to swing for the fences. Just keep it simple. When you did X, I felt Y. That’s… that’s all it is. I can do this… I can do this…’
“When you did X- ah! R-rather, when you said that, I felt… I-I felt a bit… I f-felt like I got sucker punched, I guess.”
A voice rang out in his head. ‘Just like you did to her back then. Pretty ironic, don’t you think? Everything she dealt with for your sorry ass and you get hung up over this? You forget yourself, Black Fang. Know your place.’ As he had gotten painfully used to by now, he gritted his teeth and tried to ignore it.
“And, well, maybe it’s my fault. I… maybe I shouldn’t have assumed that all was forgiven after what I did to you. I know it’s… I know it’s unforgivable, I know I don’t deserve-”
Joshua cut himself off, face visibly tensing as he realized what he was saying. ‘Damn it, Joshua! When you did X, I felt Y. When you did X, I felt Y. When you did X, I felt Y! Get a grip and stand up for yourself! You’re supposed to start being a better man! That’s what Loewe wanted! So get a damn grip already!’ Estelle almost seemed annoyed too, but Joshua forced himself to keep speaking before she had a chance to say anything. He knew he needed to start correcting these slip-ups himself.
“When you did-! …W-when you said that, I felt like nothing changed. I felt like we were still stuck exactly where we were on that damn terrace, and it terrified me. I felt like every bit of the heartless monster I felt like back then. And I…”
‘Now or never, Joshua. This is the first step. Don’t hesitate, don’t look back. Be thorough. Be decisive.’
“I felt angry, too. A-a bit. I felt angry at… ah… at you. When I said I felt terrified, it wasn’t just for that reason. I felt terrified that maybe I was lying to myself by thinking you would forgive me for that, or thinking that my feelings mattered at all to you. I-if only for just a moment. And I… it made me angry at you, and at myself. I felt lied to, but also that maybe I deserve no better than that. And I was terrified that maybe the biggest mistake of my life would hang over our heads forever. And that we could never move on from it. That it might define us and drive a wedge between us that just keeps growing and growing until it’s too late and we need to draw a line and-!”
At that, Joshua gave out. He let out a large exhale as he stared down at the floor, too afraid to look up and risk seeing rejection on Estelle’s face. Not that the voice in his head was much more of a comfort. ‘That we could never move on? THAT WE COULD NEVER MOVE ON!? Who are you to decide who should move on from anything!? You’re the scum of the earth! A repulsive, bloodstained monster! She tolerates your disgusting presence out of the kindness of her heart, and you think you have the right to decide what she should or shouldn’t move on from!? You are NOTHING next to her! Just keep that damn mouth shut and don’t inconvenience her more than you already have, you filthy parasite!’
Joshua’s breath hitched as he tried his best to hide the state he was in - old habits die hard. Physical sensation started to leave him as the chorus of self-hatred grew louder and more chaotic in his head. He heard barely controlled breathing coming in erratic and hollow, unable to even tell if it was his own. At the end of day, after all of the progress he had made since returning with Estelle, many of his demons were still there. He recognized, passively, that despite all of his and everyone else’s efforts, some would likely stay with him for the rest of his days.
It used to be that any attempt to assert his own self worth or even basic humanity would incur roaring masses inside of his head. He had been learning, slowly but surely, to resist them and tune them out at times, but it was hardly foolproof. He was still very, very vulnerable to his own self-hatred. Even more so when unfocused or in emotional duress, as he was right now.
Ever since his rebirth as the Black Fang, some of these things were simply encoded into his heart. ‘Your thoughts and feelings are worthless to the mission’ and ‘Emotions should be buried deep where they will neither distract nor disturb’ were just as natural to him now as any of Weissman’s other teachings were. Self loathing and lack of any worth were near fundamental aspects of his being, hence why they were even harder than usual to heal from.
Even on his best days, he still struggled to reconcile his wants, needs or feelings as being equal to anyone else’s. And on his worst days, saying someone wronged Joshua Bright was like saying someone wronged a mosquito they slapped off of their arm. That kind of consideration just wasn’t worth wasting on a subhuman thing like him.
Joshua nearly buckled under the weight of all the voices and traumas until he heard a high pitched gasp that broke him out of his stupor. A gasp that allowed him to make the connection - the shallow breathing he heard before. That wasn’t the sound of his breathing. It was Estelle’s.
His head shot up towards her, mouth slightly agape in disbelief. Estelle was visibly choked up. Mere moments away from breaking down crying, by the looks of it. She struggled to hold her tears in, sniffling as she forced a reply.
“I… I’m so sorry, Joshua! I’m so, so, so sorry… *sniff*… Pulling tha- *gasp* that out on you was… *sniff*… I-it was so, so unfair of me. It was so wrong. But I- *gasp* I did it anyways, and I’m just so sorry and-!”
Estelle lunged forward, squeezing Joshua and burying her face in his chest while her tears ran freely. Joshua, for his part, was too stunned to even comprehend exactly what was happening in that moment. His arms hung stiffly at his side, as he failed to accept her embrace in his shock until her tears were calming down and she was pulling away.
“And I did forgive you. And I still forgive you, a-and there’s no grudges or anything. I-I just got worked up, and then I just…! I… *sniff*… I didn’t think about your feelings a-at all. From the bo- *gasp*- bottom of my heart, Joshua. I’m so, so sorry!”
It took a few more minutes for Estelle to calm completely.
“So… let me say it again, here and now. I forgive you, Joshua. I understand what was going through your head. I understand how deeply you hated yourself. I know it felt like you didn’t have a choice. And I know you were always thinking of me. So I never ever want you to worry about that ever again. It’s in the past now. I don’t want it hanging over our heads forever either.”
Estelle let it sit for a moment, letting the weight of the statement sink in for the both of them.
“And… if I ever mess up like that again, I want you to call me out on it. Okay?”
“…Okay.”
Joshua fell forward into her arms, sinking into her warm embrace. He had pushed himself harder than he had in a long time, and the relief and exhaustion both took him all at once. Estelle, for her part, met him with a big hug and a sunny smile.
“It makes me kinda happy though! I’m really glad you felt like you could tell me that I did something wrong. That’s a huge step, Joshua! I’m proud of you…”
“It was hard. I had no idea it would be that hard…”
“But you did it anyways. And that’s amazing, Joshua.”
“Estelle… I… I still feel like I have to deny it. I still feel tempted to deny that it’s anyone’s fault but my own. I don’t even understand why anymore… It just doesn’t make sense to me if it’s not my fault. I-I don’t know why, I just-!”
Joshua trembled in her arms. Estelle didn’t even need to look at his face to know what was going on. Even if she wasn’t the Number 1 Joshua Watcher, the muffled sobs and tears running down her body were something of a dead giveaway.
“There, there. It’s okay… here, let me hold you.”
“N-no, I… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be a burden like this, I-”
Embarrassed blush spread across Estelle’s face at what she knew she needed to say, but she worked up the will to say it anyways. ‘If my brave, strong Joshua can do it, then so can I! It’s just a bit embarrassing, that’s all! It’s easy! It’ll be easy…!’
“You always hold me when I need support too, Joshua. And I… I love being held by you. It’s one of the best feelings I’ve ever had before. ‘Cuz you amaze me, Joshua. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Nothing else even compares. You give me so much strength, and make me so happy. And I want you to be just as happy and feel just as strong as you make me. …I love you, Joshua.”
“Estelle… E-Estelle…”
“So please, let me hold you too, Joshua. And try not to feel guilty about needing help, okay? It’s not about being perfect, it’s about being strong. And when you let me help you like this? You’re being really, really strong right now, Joshua. It makes me really happy when you let me help you like this…”
And so they reconciled, even more closely connected to each other than they were before. By the time Joshua was calmed down, neither one even remembered what they had been fighting about in the first place. And yet, neither was particularly bothered by that fact. It likely didn’t matter, and if it did, they’d just work it out properly next time.