Chapter Text
"Mine has been a life of much shame. I can't even guess myself what it must be to live the life of a human being."
-- Osamu Dazai, No Longer Human
“What are you doing, Chuuya?” Dazai asked, propped up on his elbows. He had just woken up from a nap and looked down from his bunk to see Chuuya scribbling something on a piece of paper.
Chuuya attempted to hide what he was doing, but it was in vain. Dazai leapt down from his bunk and snatched the piece of paper from Chuuya.
“Hey! Give it back!” Chuuya shouted, but Dazai held it high above Chuuya.
Chuuya stood on tiptoes, trying to reach for the paper.
“I’ll use Tainted Sorrow if you don’t stop!” he shouted, but Dazai smirked at the empty threat.
“Oh please, you wouldn’t. You can’t even control it properly.” He peered at the paper through his non-bandaged eye and laughed. “What is this?”
Chuuya jumped and yanked the card back from Dazai, but reddened. “It’s a mother's day card.” he muttered.
Dazai stared at Chuuya in surprise. “Mother?” the word felt foreign on his tongue. “What’s that?”
Chuuya had gone back to working on the card, but he absentmindedly chuckled. “What’s a mother, good one Dazai.” He stopped laughing when he realized Dazai was being serious.
“Everybody has a mother Dazai… or a father…. Or 2…” Chuuya trailed off.
Dazai sat beside Chuuya and picked up a red crayon, rolling it around on the palm of his hand. “I’m being serious Chuuya.”
“Everybody has parents, you idiot.” Chuuya paused for a moment. “You know, somebody who takes care of you? Feeds you?”
Dazai thought about it. “Hmmm, I don’t think I have parents.”
Chuuya rolled his eyes. “Maybe somebody who taught you how to do things?”
Dazai snapped his fingers. “So like Mori?”
Chuuya sighed. “What has Mori ever taught you?”
Dazai smirked. “He taught me how to torture people.”
“Not stuff like that Dazai.” Chuuya let out an exasperated sigh. “Good stuff. Like how to comb your hair or brush your teeth. Or to say please and thank you.”
“I don’t think I have parents.” Dazai concluded. He ran the crayon along his bandages, leaving a faint red trail. After a beat, he asked “Who are your parents Chuuya?”
Chuuya smiled to himself. “My mom was one of the kindest people in the world. She would work hard everyday to make sure that I wouldn’t have to.”
“What did she do?” Dazai asked.
Chuuya’s smile vanished. His eyes misted over as he looked away. “She’d bring strange men over sometimes.” He paused in an effort to collect himself, but it wasn’t working. “They’d pay her, and then…” Chuuya’s lips trembled.
Dazai’s lips parted. He had some idea as to what Chuuya’s mom had been. Mori had taken him to a place where he’d seen a similar situation play out. He shuddered at the memory. The place had rot of urine and other unidentifiable smells. The people there had looked skeletal. It was as if their souls had left their bodies and they were waiting for their return.
“Um, sir. I’ll just go stand outside.” Dazai had said, nauseous at the scene before him.
Mori had laughed and clapped Dazai on the back. “Nonsense, boy! You’re learning the business firsthand.”
Kouyou had been livid when she found out Mori had taken him there the next day. “I can’t believe you took a 12 year old to a brothel Mori!”
“Oh please, I was just dropping off the latest shipment. No harm done there.”
“No harm done!” Kouyou shrieked indignantly. “You should be teaching the boy to respect women, and here you are teaching him to screw them over!”
Mori let out an exaggerated sigh. “It's not like I let him buy a woman. Give me some credit Kouyou.”
“If you ever take any of the younger ones there again, I swear I will have Golden Demon slit your balls so you have no reason to return there.”
It had been 2 years since that incident, and Dazai had never been to such a place again. He had silently thanked Kouyou for intervening.
Chuuya had gone quiet and he’d abandoned his card. He sniffled to himself and Dazai felt that he should say something to comfort him.
“Are you crying?” Dazai asked, but his concern sounded pathetic once the words were out.
Chuuya wiped his eyes and muttered. “No.”
Dazai sat in silence for a few moments before asking “What about your father?”
Chuuya’s expression changed to one of disgust, and he snapped the crayon he had been holding. “He was probably one of those men who hurt my mother.”
“What happened to your mother afterwards?” Dazai probed.
Chuuya frowned. “She got really sick one winter. No matter how much I stayed by her side and took care of her, she didn’t get better. She had these marks all over her body and they got worse. By the time spring came around, she was gone.”
“Oh.” was all Dazai said. It was all he could say, he had never experienced loss like that, so he didn’t know what to say.
Chuuya turned his attention back to his card. “Afterwards, Mori took me in because he said he had known my mother. He said that he’d take care of me.”
Dazai strongly suspected that Mori had been one of the men to hurt Chuuya’s mother, but he thought better of it than to mention it in front of Chuuya.
Instead, he asked “So why are you making the card? I mean, it doesn’t really make sense to now…”
“It’s for Kouyou.” Chuuya said.
“Kouyou?” Dazai’s eyebrows rose in surprise.
“She reminds me of my mom, and she takes care of me.” Chuuya admitted. “She makes sure that I drink my milk every morning. She says i’ll grow taller if I do.”
“Doesn’t seem to be working.” Dazai snorted, and was met with a punch from Chuuya.
“Well at least my bones will grow strong enough to shatter yours.” Chuuya laughed, brushing off his hands.
“I wish I knew who my parents were.” Dazai said wistfully.
“Why don’t you ask Mori? He knows everything. I’m sure he knows who your parents were.” Chuuya said.
The idea excited Dazai as he rocked back and forth on his knees. “Really? Do you think he’ll tell me?”
Chuuya laughed. “You’re one of the Mafia executives, he has to tell you who your parents are!”
That night, Dazai found himself staring at the ceiling long after Chuuya had fallen asleep. He couldn’t keep himself from grinning.
“I’m going to find out who my parents were.” Dazai could barely contain his excitement.
He wondered what they were like. He assumed them most likely to be dead, but what if they were alive? What type of people were they? Did they miss him? Dazai was soon lulled to sleep by the infinite possibilities that tomorrow would bring.
Dazai rose the next morning before the sun did, determined to speak to Mori before the day begun. His conversation with Chuuya had offered him new possibilities that he had never considered before. He sloppily tied his tie and draped his coat over his shoulders. Dazai tiptoed past a sleeping Chuuya and left the room. Unanswered questions carried him down the hall, he could hardly contain himself. He was going to find out who his parents were.
Dazai made it to Mori’s office. As he stood before the heavy door, his hand stopped just short of knocking. He had only been in here a handful of times, and something about Mori always unsettled him. Gathering up his courage, he knocked.
“Come in.” Came Mori’s gruff response through the other side.
Dazai turned the knob and entered. “Um, sir…”
Mori turned to look at Dazai, surprised. “You’re not Kouyou.” he stated.
Dazai hugged his coat closer to him, shivering at the menacing aura Mori gave off.
“Boy, what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be making grown men cry?” Mori looked down at Dazai with disinterest.
Dazai managed a weak laugh, unsure as to whether the leader was joking or not. “Actually, I had a question.”
Dazai was overcome with nerves, he turned to fiddle with the ends of his bandages for comfort. He took a deep breath and spoke. “I was wondering…” his voice trembled.
Mori had turned back to his own work and waved a gloved hand. “Get on with it boy, I don’t have all day.”
Dazai willed his hands to stop shaking and spoke again. “I was wondering who my parents were.”
Mori’s cheek twitched as he stood from his chair. “Your who now?”
“M-my parents.” Dazai said with less certainty this time. “I want to know who my parents were.”
Mori strode across the room to Dazai and placed a hand on the boy’s shoulder. “My boy, why would you want to know something like that?”
Dazai was at a loss for words. He himself wasn’t sure what this would accomplish.
Mori’s face puckered as his grip on Dazai’s shoulder tightened. “Were you planning on escaping the Port Mafia to find your parents?”
Dazai blanched. The thought of escaping the Port Mafia had certainly crossed his mind in his earlier days, but not for that reason.
“After all that I did for you my boy?” Mori questioned, a tinge of hurt in his voice.
Dazai tried to wriggle out of Mori’s grasp, but his grip remained firm.
“I fed you, I clothed you, I raised you. You’re like a son to me.”
“I’m grateful for that sir, but I just wanted to know--”
“Know what? Since you’re so stubborn my boy, I’ll tell you. But ignorance truly is bliss. Do you really want to know?”
Dazai nodded, but something about Mori’s shift in tone made him hesitate.
Mori’s face twisted into a cruel expression, Dazai believed the man to be smiling. “They left you. They abandoned you here on the steps of the Port Mafia.”
Dazai reeled back as if he had been slapped. Out of all the possibilities he had considered, this had not been one of them. “That can’t be tru--”
“I took you in as one of my very own my boy. Without me, you’d still be a stray dog, your corpse rotting in the nadir! This place,” Mori gestured to the office. “Is your home and the Port Mafia is your family!” Mori’s voice dipped down now, sending goosebumps up Dazai’s skin. “You’d do well not to forget that, Dazai.” he punctuated the syllables in his name like a balloon, leaving Dazai deflated.
Dazai stood there for a moment, unable to move. Mori clapped his hands and pushed Dazai towards the door. “Well, I’m glad we had this chat. Send Kouyou in on your way out.”
Kouyou walked past a numb Dazai, tilting her head in concern. “What happened to him?”
Mori snickered. “The boy wanted to know where he came from.”
“What’d you tell him?” Kouyou questioned.
“The truth. That’s why the kidnapped children are so much better. They don’t ask any unnecessary questions.”
Kouyou barely suppressed a sigh. “Don’t you think you were to harsh?”
Mori waved away her concern. “Not at all. Forget about the boy, we have more pressing matters. The Armed Detective Agency is making a move.”
Dazai walked back to his room, but he couldn’t focus. His parents had abandoned him. He trembled, willing himself not to cry. Perhaps the idea of raising a child as awful as him had lead them running in the other direction. He was unlovable. Stopping in front of the room, he took a moment to collect himself. His fingers rested on the doorknob, but his feet were frozen in place. For a moment, he considered running away, but Mori had eyes all over the city. He’d be killed before he even made it to the port.
What would the others think if they found out? Would they realize how worthless Dazai was and abandon him as well? Dazai narrowed his eyes. Mori was right. He was better off not knowing anything more about his parents, the Mafia was his only family now. He entered the room, masking his surprise at the sight of Chuuya looking up at him in anticipation.
“Hey Dazai! Did you find out who your parents were?” he asked.
Dazai turned to his bed and flopped down. “Sure.” he said.
“Dazai?” Chuuya asked again, aware that something wasn’t right. “Did you find out who your parents were?”
Dazai swallowed hard and turned to face him. He wore a mask of indifference. “They were some mercenaries in the Port Mafia.” he lied.
Chuuya’s eyes widened in awe. “Whoa, what happened to them?”
Dazai shrugged. “They were killed in action.”
Dazai smiled to himself, rather proud of the lie he had told. If he could stop anybody else from finding out how unlovable he was, maybe nobody else would ever leave him again.