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Remus blinked the sun out of his eyes as he felt his late night anxiety returning. The familiar itchiness of his quilt and the soft snoring in the bed to his right offered no relief, only serving as a reminder of the potions class that awaited him that afternoon. 

Most sixth year students felt a different kind of beating of the heart at the thought of this particular lesson. And sure, the adrenaline was there, but that racing typically owed its presence to a certain excitement, rather than the familiar fear that began to build in Remus’ mind. 

Amortentia Day. Famous among young witches and wizards and the current source of dread in what seemed to be a continuous lineup for Remus.

If it wasn’t absolutely required for a perfect N.E.W.T. he would have forgone it altogether.

Sirius’ snores grew heavier as he rolled over, almost punctuating Remus’ thought. His wand was still tangled in his hair from late night schemes and his pale skin looked almost luminous in the morning glow. 

And he happened to be beautiful. As always.

Remus let out a sigh as he turned to the loo. He was as hopeless as usual, and he suspected that the class today wouldn’t help his case in the slightest. 

He would be a goner by the end of the day for sure.

Sirius woke up with a start to the sound of a soft door shutting closed, quickly realizing Remus was absent from the room.

Remus.

He crawled out of his bed, an unabashed grin on his face as he snuck over to his friend’s curtains. “Psst, James… JAMES!!” 

“What is it, Pads,” the brown-haired boy unenthusiastically replied from the sanctuary of his pillow, giving his friend a blank stare that barely made it through his wild bed head. 

“It’s today… Today I’ll know how he really feels! I just know this will do the trick,” he hissed with what he seemed to believe was a whisper.

James' eyes couldn’t have retreated farther into his skull. He scoffed before rolling over. 

“I’m telling you this isn’t necessary, Padfoot… if you took a moment to let yourself think you’d see how he feels everyday just like the rest of us.” James made sure he kept his voice low. Sure, the fact that his friends were stupidly gone for each other was undeniable at this point, but he made sure to keep that to himself for the sake of his best mate.

“Hah! I’m offended James,” Sirius said, rather dramatically at that for so early in the morning. “You don’t understand Prongs. I can’t believe you, of all people, are saying this as if you haven’t been chasing the same girl for years. You couldn’t take a hint if it smacked you in the face… and it has!”

Now that had James a bit more awake. 

First was the startling memory of the scalding slap Lily Evans gave him the year before after a particularly embarrassing attempt to charm her. That, admittedly, he deserved at the time for being such a bloody git. Little did Sirius know that it had influenced him more than he really let on, and he’d even say that he’d begun talking to someone entirely different (if by that you meant attempting to talk, rather unsuccessfully at that). 

But Sirius didn’t need to be aware of that just yet, and especially not who the subject was himself… 

So, James decided to bury that thought for now and resigned himself to look back at Sirius.

“Sure, Padfoot, I admit I’ve had my… misjudgments, in the past, but I’ve known you both for over five years now! Anybody could see there’s something more to the two of you than whatever you lot have with me and Wormtail.” 

Almost as if summoned by his mention, Peter rose slowly from his own pile of blankets with a stretch. 

“It’s really quite obvious if even James Potter can see it Padfoot,” he said, yawning sleepily. “You two have something, uh... different.” He shrugged, saying the last word as if it were obvious.

“Pete, quiet! He’s half awake but he’s not deaf,” Sirius hissed, tone the lowest it had been all morning. “Besides… I can’t let myself believe anything until I hear it for myself.” 

He said it gently, almost vulnerable, as if his friends would be able to feel his desperation from the remark alone. He didn’t want to admit it, but a large part of him wanted to believe them, and believe in those countless moments that seemed to always steer him closer to his friend.

He could imagine it even then, the softness in every hidden stare behind a textbook late at night. The warmth and glow of beautiful brown, tawny eyes, with those lovely specks of gold that Sirius could drink in like Butterbeer. He could feel the heat in the room, and it didn’t matter where they were, the commons, the dinner table, the astronomy tower, he could feel it radiating in the air whenever he was with his Moony. 

His Moony, Remus Lupin. What a thought that was.

He was about to migrate his thoughts towards a particular head of curls when he finally noticed the name James seemed dedicated to repeat at him. “Siriusss… Sirius!” 

Sirius finally looked back at him, realizing he really ought to get this day over with. At least if he knows he can try to put his tired heart and head to rest. 

“You alright, mate?” James whispered, still so kindly aware of the subject just across the walls of their dorm. 

Sirius looked away, knowing James wouldn’t be able to ignore the heartache in his next thought if he looked him square in the eyes. “I need this, James. I can’t risk taking a chance on it, especially with him.” 

He let the implications go unspoken. Even embodying the brave and popular Sirius Black, he couldn’t stand the thought of this failure. 

A friendship unrequited was painful, but nothing at all was unthinkable.

James let his brow soften, and offered his friend a soft smile. “I wouldn’t count yourself out so quickly, Pads.” Sirius sighed at the remark, looking at his friends, and received an agreeing nod from Peter.

“I really do hope you two are onto something,” he said with a huff, before retreating to his cupboard to find some clothes and newfound courage.

Remus decided to ignore the hush of silence over the room as he stepped out of the loo. 

James gave him a gentle pat on the back as he wiped the sleep out of his eyes, humming a greeting before silently heading into the bathroom. Pete wasn’t much different as he ran his hands through his spiky hair while muttering a sleepy, “Morning Moony,” before rolling out of bed.

Finally, Remus’ eyes landed on Sirius.

Typical mistake.

Sirius’ hair was still all tangled up in his wand and it made Remus question where the boy’s head was that morning. That wasn’t the only thing though. His back has to him, school trousers slung loosely around his hips while he fumbled with his belt, his tie and robes still strewn carelessly on his bed. 

Remus had roomed with these boys for years, and he knew them inside and out. The way James’ hair stuck up extra during exam season, and the way Peter mumbled in his sleep after a long night of mischief. Some may even call them all too close.

Remus had to disagree with that though. Besides, he never seemed to learn enough about Sirius Black. 

He couldn’t help but notice the nervous twitchiness in Sirius’ hands today, something he often saw on the high stress mornings of a looming Quittitch match. He saw the way his posture straightened when he glanced in the mirror, which was a habit he presumed he couldn’t shake from a pureblood upbringing. He even saw the way he sucked a plush lower lip between his teeth as he turned to grab his shirt, and Remus elected to ignore the way it all made his face heat up and a tightness build in his chest.

Sirius glanced back at him then. Shit. 

“Morning Rem,” he said, flashing him a small smile that reached his eyes and melted Remus to the spot under his gaze. “You feeling alright? Noticed you woke up first today and everything… The full isn’t sneaking up on you so early, is it?” 

Remus really hoped he couldn’t hear the pulse pounding in Remus’ ears at the moment. 

He couldn’t help but notice the distinction between this Sirius and the one that put on a brave face for the world. The one who gave Remus a morning smile, and a real one at that. Not just his mischievous grin or a flirtatious smirk but that Sirius Black smile that made his nose wrinkle a bit and his eyelashes flutter and, frankly, make anything Remus have to say muddle to bits in his head. 

The Sirius he knew kept close track of the moon phases. 

Who helped sneak extra chocolate to the castle near the full, and who slept, exhausted but persistent at the side of Remus’ infirmary bed without a second thought, even long after James and Peter left to keep up with their combined classes. The one who hated his academics but insisted on staying with him in the library. The one who Remus always seemed to meet eyes with over late night plans and on quiet nights. 

“I- ehr- no, got a couple weeks for that, thank you Sirius,” was all he could seem to manage as he stared back at the gorgeous boy in front of him. 

Sirius still beamed all the same. “Good,” he said, a gleam beginning to form in his gaze, “We wouldn’t want you to miss out on the big day.” Oh, if only he knew how big of a day it may be. 

Remus let out a scoff, rolling his eyes but grinning at his friend. “Are you suddenly a Sixth Year schoolgirl Padfoot? Or competing with Severus for top in potions?” 

Remus shifted, hoping the dig managed to mask the small waver in his voice, and turned towards his bed, beginning to collect his robes for the day. 

“You wound me Moony,” Sirius retorted, still smiling. “Even you have to admit though, it’s a little exciting to have an inkling of who you really fancy… right?” 

Remus kept his face turned towards his bed. There was a different tone in Sirius’ voice towards the end, and he couldn’t quite place it. He looked over his shoulder after a moment, curious what could have possibly caused the shift, and was met with a deep silver stare. 

He managed a weak smile, “Whatever you say, Pads.” 

Yep, this was going to be a long day.

Sirius couldn’t help the bouncing and tapping of his feet as he sat at the morning table. 

It didn’t seem to catch much attention though. Pete and James seemed engrossed in their breakfast, and Sirius refrained from recoiling as James took in another overzealous bite of his pancakes. 

Moony, however, seemed rather quiet next to him- quieter than usual, and that’s saying a lot. 

Sirius couldn’t help but tense with the realization as he continued to scrape the food across his plate. 

Surely he didn’t come on too strong that morning already, asking him how he felt about potions today? Surely after committing himself to finding answers that day he couldn’t already have screwed it all up? 

The only thing that made him feel sicker than the thought of rejection was the possibility of disgust.

He was snapped out of the thought by the brush of a hand. Gentle on the side of his leg where he had continued with restless fidgeting. 

And of course, it was Remus. 

“You doing alright there, Sirius?” A genuine concern was thinly spread behind his friend’s eyes, but his voice dripped with softness. 

Sirius cleared his throat, if not just to figure out how to speak, and let out a shallow, “Yeah mate, just antsy for a long day.” 

He managed to tell the truth with that reply, vague as it was. He really needed to find a better route of action if he planned on pairing up with Remus for potions. 

Remus furrowed his brow slightly, and oh, did Sirius love every expression that lovely face was capable of, but didn’t seem too interested in pressing. He hummed before returning his eyes to his own plate. Sirius couldn’t help but notice it seemed similarly as distressed and untouched as his own. 

Could he be nervous too? And… Why?

Well, he supposed this at least meant he hadn’t already scared him off. The plan is still a go. 

Remus had to admit, it was really his own doing. 

Falling in love. 

What did he expect would happen, hanging around with the likes of Sirius? 

Even at the breakfast table, he couldn’t manage to keep his attention away… aside from the other boy’s relentless fidgeting today, he never seemed to be able to. 

Even now, he couldn’t help but spot the small tangle in the long black hair beside him. 

There has to be something with today that’s bothering him. 

Remus almost didn’t notice how he seemed to be leaning in until a pair of silver eyes met his. “You alright, Moons?” 

Sirius kept his voice low as McGonagall continued her lesson several seats ahead. It was a fair trade, Remus had argued, that they could sit in the back together with the group if Sirius could at least “let him learn a bit” while he was in class. 

Despite many protests, Sirius was quiet by his request all year. 

“Uhm,” he mumbled quite unintelligently for the second time that morning, “There’s, uh- well... just one second if you don’t mind Siri.” 

He barely processed what he was doing as he watched his hands reach towards Sirius. He decided to ignore the other boy’s gaze as he gently unraveled the tangled strands at the base of his neck. 

“I know... Well, I know you said there wasn’t anything going on today, but I can’t help but wonder if that’s really the case…?” Remus trailed off, voice low and glancing up slightly, and Sirius continued to stare. 

Remus found it hard to read his expression, which, considering Sirius, was mildly alarming. Sirius kept certain parts of himself hidden, but his heart was always on his sleeve. Especially for him. 

He hesitated, “…Sirius?” 

Sirius blinked at him, still unreadable, until he began to glance around the room. Remus could have even sworn he caught his eyes trained around his face in particular, but that was probably wishful thinking. 

After a moment Sirius seemed to decide the table was the best focus of his attention, and swallowed before answering with a sigh, 

“I guess I never can keep much from you Moony.” 

He looked back at Remus, “I wouldn’t say anything is bothering me necessarily, cause it’s really not a bother, I just… Well there’s something I have to do today, and I know I have to, but I’m worried about how it’s going to play out, if I’m being honest.” 

His eyes found the table again. 

What could be making him so nervous? 

“Is this about potions, Sirius? Is that why you asked me about it this morning?” Sirius looked up slightly, startled at his comment, but didn’t answer. 

“Listen, Pads, I know you joke about it a lot, but it’s really okay if you don’t want to know what the potion smells like, it’s only been a couple of months since you told me and the lads about everything.” Remus came out as queer back in Fifth Year, almost as wrecked as he was when his friends revealed their knowledge of his lycanthropy. Sirius hadn’t fared much better himself that coming August. 

Remus can still remember the way he had shaken, still trying to hide, as they sat among a couple of the most accepting wizards in all of Hogwarts. 

Sirius let out a hum at that, before shaking his head and finally meeting his eyes again. 

He wasn’t on guard anymore, but Remus still felt like there was something he was missing. 

“What would I be without you, Remus?” 

It was Remus’ turn to blink back at him at that, “Um, I’m sorry?” Sirius let out a small laugh. His hair fell a bit into his eyes and his cheeks slightly flushed and…

Remus really needed to get a grip. 

“I appreciate your concern, Moony, I really, really do. It’s not exactly that though.” He turned back towards the front, before something like realization crossed his face, “But if you wouldn’t mind, maybe you could be my partner for potions today?” 

He whispered it, leaning in only slightly to make sure Remus heard, but he could have sworn he could feel the warmth of his breath from where he sat. 

Remus could feel himself flush, “You're cheating on James then?”, he responded as dryly as he could, anything to distract himself from the boy that remained so close to him. 

Sirius gave him a grin, teasing as usual but with a spark he couldn’t completely place.

“Only with you, my Moons.”

Sirius was happy to say he had at least gotten back some courage that morning in Transfigurations. 

Okay, he can admit he might owe some of that to Remus himself, but really it’s the least he could do for getting his feelings all knotted up to begin with, right?

Sirius let out another sigh as we stared out of the window.

 James, somehow, seemed to be scribbling away beside him whatever madness the DADA professor continued to spew. Sure, it wasn’t the worst of all subjects, but Sirius couldn’t help but let his mind wander to much more pressing matters. 

Potions was next class, and the plan was in motion, if you could even call it that, but Sirius still found himself obsessing over the boy across the room nonetheless. 

Remus, rather uncharacteristically as well, seemed distracted himself. He had his eyes trained toward the front of the room, quill in hand and a scroll laid neatly in front of him, looking rather attentive. But Sirius liked to think he could see more than that when it came to their Moony. 

He could see the way his slender finders swept down the feather of his quill, a habit often seen when he was deep in thought on uneventful evenings, when his thoughts can’t help but fill the space. He saw the way his eyes wandered around the board, and some may claim he was simply observing the lesson scrawled across the black, but Sirius knew it meant he was truly analyzing something that nobody else could quite see, clever as he was. He even saw the way his fingers had gotten tangled in the sides of his hair, hands running through it, and watched as the soft, sandy curls bounced back as they slipped through his fingers. 

Sirius forced his gaze back down to his own, rather empty, paper. 

Even after fully realizing his feelings, he couldn’t quite tell you when he first began to love Remus Lupin. 

Of course, he has almost always loved him as a friend. He could even tell you that he first recognized this back in his first year, recalling the small collection of chocolates left prettily on his pillow the day he had gotten a particularly scorching letter back from his parents. Even now he could remember the smell of the rich cocoa truffle that had dusted his bedsheets for days.

Falling in love, however? That was another, much more confusing, matter.

Sirius felt his gaze shifting back towards the boy at the front of the class. 

What did I get myself into? 

He really couldn’t ignore the feelings tugging around his chest anymore, even if he wanted to, but he couldn’t stand the idea that this plan could go awry. He meant what he had said before. Where would he be without Remus? Yes, James is his best friend, his ride-or-die. James is the dependable confidant and platonic life partner that simply can’t be replicated or replaced. 

But there was always something about Remus Lupin that kept Sirius circling his orbit, whether he intended to or not. 

Really, what would he be without that kind, quiet boy with the gentle eyes and a nervous smile? Who gave him the first warm embrace when he came out in August? Who’s willing to sit in silence with him on the hard days and who begrudgingly laughs and teases when Sirius can’t keep himself contained? Who beams at him after every Quidditch match, despite his disinterest in the sport? Who meets Sirius’ eyes with a toothy grin with every witty joke and jab he makes? Who tolerates all of his emotional mess and understands that vulnerability, possibly even more so than James. The one who somehow doubts the love he deserves when all he does is give… 

Sirius had to tell him, and today was the day. He just hopes Remus will forgive him if he’s wrong.

“Only with you, my Moons.”

Remus focused on keeping one foot in front of the other as the group made their way into their final class. 

Sirius had almost always been the most affectionate out of the group, and maybe that’s why he never corrected his more endearing tendencies when he really should have. That being said, Remus couldn’t seem to shake the softness in his expression at his words. 

Has Sirius always been that… outrightly flirtatious? And… genuinely, at that? Surely it had to be a redirection from their conversation, right? 

Then again, now that he allowed himself to think about it, he never made nearly as many remarks to James and Peter as he ever did with Remus. 

Remus felt a growing pit beginning to hollow out his chest. 

He attempted to stamp out that idea as they entered the cold, damp potions room. He barely even registered Slughorn's short instructions before he felt a gentle hand elope his, guiding him towards a cauldron in the far corner. 

Why did Sirius ask to be partners again? 

He had thought at the time that maybe their talk had left him open to a more empathetic tablemate. After all, James, as understanding as he is, might be oblivious to Sirius’ distress if it really was masked by the similar enthusiasm he showed Remus that morning, especially if Prongs was worrying about his own potion. 

On the other hand… he did say that wasn’t the reason, didn’t he? 

Remus attempted to keep his concentration fixed on the old textbook in front of him, and failed miserably of course, with Sirius’ never ceasing insistence to invade his personal space. 

Remus fought to keep his voice even and full as he chastised him. 

“Are you needing glasses now, Padfoot? I didn’t realize Prongs’ eyesight was contagious.” 

Sirius pulled back slightly after muttering the steps on the pages, still rather close as he reached over for some roots on Remus’ side of the table. “Hah! Maybe I’m just hoping your brilliance will rub off on me today Rem,” he shot him a playful wink as he drew back to his own cutting board. 

Remus felt the pit grow wider, desperately trying to focus on the goosebumps on his arms instead of the blush warming his face. 

It’s… odd, isn’t it? The way Sirius acts around me?

Sirius was always a flirt, so that was relatively normal, Remus presumed. But he seemed to be laying it on a bit thicker today. 

Yes, something had to be off. 

Remus, despite himself, felt his eyes inching back to his friend’s face. Sirius looked deep in concentration, which, especially considering his previous fidgetiness, was out of the ordinary for a potions class. His brow was slightly furrowed as he followed the instructions with precision, carefully cutting and mixing and overall being very uncharacteristically serious- pun unintended, of course. 

Why was he acting so strangely this morning? Why was I the only one he asked about potions today?

He really couldn’t shake the aching questions in his mind. Surely though, he couldn’t ignore how Sirius had been acting all day- hell, all year- towards Remus. 

The way he would linger when he didn’t have to. The way he had a certain twinkle in his eye when they joked together, or the slight flush on his cheeks that Remus sometimes caught after hours of talking on his bed. He was hoping it had all been imagined. A final, foolish wish, concocted in his head to cope with a fact he already knew- Sirius didn’t love him. 

At least, not in the ways he desperately needed him to.

But it was all so obvious now, wasn’t it? 

Sirius was different with Remus than he was with James, or Peter. Sirius didn’t tease them the same, or touch them the same, or meddle in their study sessions or lay on their beds the same way he did with him. He didn’t look away at times, words dead on his tongue, when talking with them, or find ways to excuse himself when they talked about any romantic interest since the beginning of the year. Not like he did with Remus.

He knows, doesn’t he.

Remus forced his gaze back to his bubbling cauldron. 

He knows I’m going to smell him in the Amortentia, and he’ll try to let me down easily.

He forced his hands to continue working as he fought the hot tears that began pricking behind his eyes.

I am such an idiot.

Sirius was practically buzzing when he finished his cauldron, for once putting in the effort required for a genuine potion, and watched in awe as the dingy mixture slowly bubbled into a soft pink color. He grinned, turning to Remus “Guess I have a knack when I actually exude some competence with you ‘ey?”

Remus let out a hum beside him, looking slightly away at his textbook as he added the finishing incantations to his own cauldron. 

None of this was incriminating in the slightest, but Sirius had difficulty ignoring a worrying thought that began to emerge deep in his chest. 

Remus was typically focused in class, that was more than normal, but he was never so dismissive. He had been silent almost the entirety of the time. It wasn’t even that Sirius was up to his usual antics, seeing that he had actually been focused the whole period. 

So why is Remus ignoring me now?

“Hey… you okay Rem?” 

Sirius tried, and failed, of course, to ignore the way Remus’ addams apple bobbed down his neck as he swallowed. He cleared his throat before finally turning towards him slightly. “Mhm, why do you ask, Sirius?” There was a strange straining in his voice, like he was holding something back.

 Something was definitely wrong. 

“Nothing, you just seem rather focused for a bloke so unbothered about potions this morning.” 

Sirius was aiming for a joke to lighten the mood, but it ended up sounding much more serious than he intended. He prayed to Godric it didn’t really sound as accusatory as it did in his own ears. 

Remus looked back at his desk, scoffing. “You got me there, Sirius.” His voice was strangely even, as if he had to fight for it to come out that way. Sirius felt the worry clawing its way up into his throat. Did I do something? I haven’t even asked him to smell the potion yet. 

Sirius worried his lip between his teeth. He had to say something.

“Are you… mad at me for something, Remus?”

He fiddled with his robes as we waited for a response. It was probably only a few seconds, but the silence from his friend seemed to stretch for hours.

“No. No, I’m not mad at you, Sirius.” 

Somehow the response didn’t make him feel much better.

“Well, you’ve been silent all class, Moons, there has to be something going on with you.”

Sirius watched his friend as his lips pressed down into a thin line. He swallowed again, words coming hard and forceful. 

“Why did you ask to be my partner for today, Sirius?” He didn’t look him in the eyes, but his tone demanded an answer. “And why did you ask me how I felt about the potions lesson? You haven’t talked much to Peter or James about it.” He sounded almost bitter, or accusatory.

Sirius was frozen. He struggled to find the words as he shook himself out of his shock. “I… Remus-”

He was interrupted by a loud wailing of a timer towards the front, which was, thankfully, quickly silenced by Professor Slughorn. 

“Well done, class! It seems nearly all of you have successfully brewed a N.E.W.T. level concoction!”

Sirius continued to worry his robes between his fingers as he turned toward the front. Remus was silent beside him.

“Now, I know that this particular potion is popular with you young people, and although you are welcome to talk amongst yourselves, there is no requirement to disclose what you may smell in your cauldrons.” 

The class began to whisper, clearly waiting for an invitation to assess it themselves. 

Professor Slughorn grinned, “Well then, if you wish to investigate your potions you may do so now and you will be dismissed shortly. And do not think of taking any along with you lot, I have my ways of checking for missing brew!” 

He sat back at his desk with that, and the class practically erupted around them.

Remus didn’t move, if anything, he barely seemed to be breathing as he stared at the shimmering pink concoction in front of him.

Sirius’ own eyes were drawn around the room, gazing at his classmates as they giggled and blushed over their tables. His eyes caught on his friends across the classroom, mandatorily separated after one too many “incidents,” and watched as Peter’s neck flushed as he smelled the potion, looking around as if his mind were being read before elbowing James to do the same. 

Prongs himself looked strangely nervous, but surely he knew what he would be smelling already? 

Maybe he was just worried he might offend Evans again, although Sirius admits he was hearing less and less of her from him as of late. 

When did that boy finally get it together… And how have I not noticed before?

Sirius watched out of the corner of his eye as his friend smelled his potion, and his eyes widened behind the thin frames of his glasses. 

His expression was strange- it flickered from shock, to fascination, to fear, and finally settled onto something like acceptance. How odd. What may have been even more odd was his refusal to meet Sirius’ eyes as they often do in class, almost telepathically, even. Especially because he knew about the plan.

Right, the plan.

Finally, he looked at Remus, who was still quiet next to him. Please, don’t screw this up Black.

He desperately tried not to squeak, clearing his throat, “Hey, Remus?”

Remus closed his eyes, “Hm?”

“Were you gonna…?” Sirius heard his words trail off. Idiot- answer his question first! 

“I mean, I don’t want to put any pressure on you, Moony, I really don’t. Really, who cares what it smells like anyways, right? It doesn't really have to mean anything.” What the hell am I saying right now?

Remus hadn’t muttered a word. He opened his eyes again, but didn’t look at him.

Sirius could feel his heartbeat in his head. A frantic rhythm that he hoped nobody else could hear. He barely registered Slughorn's dismissal as the students surrounding them began to pack their books and roll up their scrolls.

“I- I’m sorry, Remus, really I am. I don’t want to pressure you and I’m sorry if me asking you earlier made you uncomfortable and if it’s me that’s making you this upset I’ll drop it right now I swear-”

“Fine,” he finally spoke, curt and short and terribly un-Remus like.

“What…?” was all that Sirius could manage as he watched his friend lean in slightly, wafting the light vapor that curled into him. Sirius observed him silently, trying not to look too expectant, or worse, hopeful, as Remus straightened again. He let out a small huff, almost like a sad laugh, before finally turning to Sirius.

“You really want to know what it is, Black?” His expression was distant, like he was trying not to cry, or yell at him, but really Sirius would have preferred either to the stony face on the boy he loved so much.

Shit. I really fucked it up, didn’t I.

Sirius looked back at him, and Remus must have seen the sorry in his eyes because he softened, looking away.

“It smells like hair oil, the posh kind that gets absolutely fucking everywhere, old leather, silver…  And it smells earthy, too, like the damp forest and cobblestone.”

Sirius felt his mouth go dry. He could only really think of one person that those could all apply to. 

Did this mean… Was he…?

Crap, he hasn’t said anything.

“Rem-” Sirius attempted to speak but was interrupted as Remus’ chair scratched loudly against the floor. He got up quickly, still refusing to look at him as he snatched his bookbag, leaving his scroll and textbook on his desk.

“Please, just forget it, Sirius,” he all but whispered as he briskly walked out of the classroom and out of sight.

Sirius was frozen as he watched him walk out of the door before his eyes finally caught on the final two people in the room. James looked at him, distress and sorry in his eyes while Peter gestured for his attention, his raised eyebrows asking him “What the hell happened, Sirius?”

I really did it this time.

He stayed silent, collecting his resolve as he gathered Remus’ things before sprinting out of the classroom, waving his friends goodbye.

But I’m not losing him that easily.

Remus blinked the burning tears out of his eyes as he gazed at the Great Lake. 

Sure, the Astronomy Tower didn’t lend much privacy, all things considered. But damn it if Remus needed somewhere to breathe, this was the place. He only hoped Sirius would have the sense to at least wait until after dinner to go looking for him.

Because of course he would go looking.

He let himself soak in the light as the sun began to set over the vastness of the Great Forest. He almost had a nostalgia for it. He may not remember the full moons, but he could vaguely recall the rush of comfort and satisfaction the wolf held when running with his pack. 

The same forest you smelled in the Amortentia.

Remus sucked in another breath, the air cool as the seasons began to shift from fall to winter.

He didn’t know what he expected after he actually told Sirius, not that he had been planning to in the first place. He doesn’t even entirely understand what made him decide to follow through. Maybe it was something in his friend’s open gaze that pulled him in. An apology was there, yes, but there was something else Remus could have sworn he had seen… 

No. No, what was he thinking?

He doesn’t love you, Remus. 

He let out another shaky breath as he leaned his head back. eyes closed, leaning forward against the edge of the cobblestone barrier. 

He let out another as he heard the faint climbing up the stairs. Another as he felt the shift in the air, the fear creeping back, as he heard the soft shut of the door. Another as he felt the warmth next to him, finally opening his eyes, and saw Sirius Black just a couple of feet away from him, mimicking his lean as he gazed out towards the trees.

They were silent. So silent he could hear Sirius’ quick breath and the faint tapping of his foot on the stone beneath them. Did he… run here?

Remus pushed down the thought. Any concerned friend would be antsy. It didn’t mean anything. It couldn’t.

He let the quiet stretch, as uncomfortable as it was, not trusting he wouldn’t completely embarrass himself if he opened his mouth. 

Finally, as the last of the sun peeked behind the trees, Sirius spoke.

“I need to tell you something, Remus.” 

Remus stayed silent, not daring to look, or respond, lest he let himself break down completely. He felt Sirius shift next to him, so painfully close, as he turned his head towards him.

“I have a feeling it might not be what you think I’m going to say.”

Remus grinded his teeth together, not daring to move.

“Remus, Moons, you don’t have to say anything but I need to at least know you’re willing to hear me out. Please, let me fix this?”

Remus breathed in deeply, he had to face it, he knew that. He gave him a short nod, and forced himself to look at him. 

Another mistake, he should know better by now.

Sirius’ hair looked like it had been lit on fire as the last glow of the sun hit him from behind, its orange rays highlighting pale skin. He looked, admittedly, slightly disheveled, like he had come quickly to the tower, or was running his hands through his hair (another nervous habit of his), and his lips were slightly chapped and pink like he had been biting at them. 

But he was nothing if not beautiful. Gorgeous, even, and it only worsened the aching in Remus’ chest.

He couldn’t meet his eyes. Not without consequence. So instead he made himself respond.

“Okay,” he whispered, and that seemed to be enough for him.

Sirius smiled at his compliance, which somehow still managed to make Remus’ stomach flip in odd ways, before taking a breath and finally speaking as if he had rehearsed.

“M’ so sorry, Remus, truly I am. You have only ever been empathetic and… and thoughtful towards me and I failed to consider how my pressing could have affected you. And I don’t expect forgiveness now, and even if you never do I could never blame you after all of my bloody rubbish, but you have to know that I am the only one at fault for anything today, and that it should be me up here, thinking myself an idiot, because I am.” 

Remus didn’t know what to think of that note, and he really wasn’t mad at Sirius to begin with, not really anyways. But Sirius continued.

“That’s not all I have to say though.” His words caught at the end, and Remus saw him scratching at his robes. 

Why is he so nervous?

Sirius cleared his throat, pressing on. “I had a… plan, for today I mean. Looking back on it now it was pretty bloody stupid, I can’t believe I thought it would ever go well with my track record, but it had to… well, I needed to know how things would play out before I talked to you because I just couldn’t stand the thought of ever driving you away.” 

His words came out quicker, like he couldn’t help it if he wanted to, and Remus was still. Afraid any interruption would break the moment. That any movement would somehow negate the words that tumbled from his friends lips or extinguish the stupid, stupid hope that bloomed in Remus’ chest.

“And, fuck, I can’t stand the thought of me without you, Remus. I knew there was something there, with us, there had to be, but if I was wrong, and bloody hell if I am wrong, I don’t know if I could handle a world where I don’t have you.” He took his hands at that, likely impulsively, knowing Sirus. 

Remus didn’t dare breathe. He looked at him, really looked, drawn into pools of silver that were open and wide and… teary? 

Holy shit.

“And I-” Sirius looked back at him, eyes widening and a pretty blush blooming across his cheeks as he looked down. “I… Blimey, why is this so hard?” 

“...Sirius?” Remus breathed out his name, the word catching on the wind as soon as it left his lips but still shaking Sirius out of whatever spiral he had found himself in.

Their eyes met again.

Sirius sucked in another breath, like he was bracing for impact. “Do you want to know what I smelled in potions today, Remus?”

Remus could barely breathe. Maybe it was the lack of oxygen that allowed his fuzzy mind to let the words out of his mouth.

“Yes. Please?”

Sirius breathed out again before looking at him, his gaze unwavering. Strong… And, hopeful? 

Yes, hopeful.

“Well, first it was the parchment paper. Not just any kind but the old musty kind that always lingers after we sit in the library late.” Sirius’ eyes shifted away, but he continued. “Then it was the tea, the winter spice kind that’s always around the dorm, even when it isn’t anywhere close to December,” he let out a little laugh at that. 

Remus could have sworn the world began to spin the opposite way.

“After that, it was that shitty chocolate, the dark, bitter kind that I hate but you always want around the full…” he swallowed, building courage before looking at Remus again.

“And then it was the forest, and the way it smells late at night when I’m with you.” 

Remus’ stomach was in knots and his head was spinning and his heart was aching while Sirius stared at him, eyes wide and vulnerable and so, so pretty and honest that Remus knew he was completely and irrevocably gone for this boy. 

Sirius’ hands began to tremble in his, “Please say something, Moony,” he whispered, eyes never wavering from his face. 

Remus was transfixed, but he knew he had to do something sooner or later.

“Remu-” the thought died on his tongue as Remus took a step closer. Remus couldn’t believe the amount of things he’d done without thinking today. Maybe he really was a Gryffindor after all.

“You really mean it, Sirius?” Both boys were quiet.

Sirius’ eyes remained wide and shiny with unshed tears. “Every word, Remus”

They were still. Still until Remus couldn’t take it anymore.

He didn’t remember pulling him in, or exactly when Sirius had wrapped a hand around his waist, or when Remus had pushed him up against the railing. All he knew was that Sirius Black was finally in his arms.

It wasn’t the stereotypical fireworks when Remus’ lips met his but there was a spark all around the air that felt like it was igniting him. 

Sirius’ lips, chapped from his worry were still plump and perfect under his and Remus couldn’t help but nibble at his lower lip and it all coiled into a burning heat deep in his stomach as Sirius let out an unbridled whine at the sensation. He pushed closer to him, finally letting his long, black hair tangle between his fingers as he used his hand to draw the boy closer to him, the other greedily circling his hips. Remus couldn’t tell where he ended and Sirius began.

Their steady stream was only broken for air, an opportunity Remus wisely used to kiss down his slender neck. He couldn’t be torn away from him now, even if he wanted to. Every doubt in his mind had been abandoned in a moment. 

“Rem- Remus,” Sirius gasped, voice scratchy and wrecked and bloody perfect, if you asked Remus. He should do that more often. 

Remus only managed a hum in return, grazing his teeth on the lovely spot between his neck and shoulder, making him keen at the sensation.

“Merlin, Pads you can’t be doing this to me.” Sirius’ breathing only got heavier, and it made Remus’ head spin beyond comparison. “I really- shit- I really, don’t know what you’re referring to Moons.”

Remus couldn’t help but kiss him again, hungry and heavy as Sirius seemed to melt in his arms. Oddly enough, it was Sirius that pulled away, “Mmph- Remus?” 

Remus looked at him, barely managing to pull himself an inch away. “Sirius?”

“I, well… fuck I can’t believe this is happening. Godric, I’m so fucking happy this is happening. But shouldn't we, you know, talk a bit?” Remus smiled, “Aren’t you reasonable tonight, Padfoot?” Sirius' eyes shone back at him, a mad grin on his face, “It’s the least I could do for being such a git today.” 

Remus couldn’t help but laugh at that. “Make it two of us, then.”

Sirius beamed at him, eyes shining with joy, and love. Remus couldn’t tell you how he hadn’t seen it before.

“So…” Sirius started, running gentle fingers through Remus’ hair, “What happens now?”

Remus grinned, and he could feel the warmth in his cheeks, the way his smile was extra wide and toothy, the way his head leaned into Sirius’ touch, and how it was all finally so perfect.

“Well, I hope we both agree there’s going to be some changes,” Remus replied, and Sirius laughed, albeit a tad nervously, at that. “Well, I would hope so.” 

They stared at each other again. 

It was Remus who broke the silence. “Be my boyfriend, Sirius? And I don’t mean in secret, not in passing, not for something quick, or easy. Will you be mine?” 

Remus can’t believe he just said that. Then again, maybe it was the matching smile on Sirius’ face that gave him the nerve.

“I love you, Remus.”

Oh.

If Remus hadn't loved him already, that would have been more than enough.

Sirius looked back at him, timid but giving him that dangerous, wonderful smile. Remus didn’t understand how this amazing boy could still have any doubt in his mind.

“I love you too, Sirius. I take it that’s a yes, then?”

And if they were both back late after curfew that night, well, their roommates would never tell.