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"Be honest, Buck: I don't have one of these, do I?" Theo holds Jee's baby box up accusingly, his teenage face looking both hurt and pissed off in a way that makes it very, very clear he's Buck's son. "Apple didn't fall far from the tree, did it?"
Beside him, Bobby shakes his head. "I'm so disappointed in you, Buck. All those years of standing in for your father, only for you to turn around and be a shitty one. Tragic."
"Wait, I'm sorry," Buck tells Theo. Bobby. Both of them. "I - "
"Margaret and Phillip were sorry too," Bobby chides him.
"Maybe you just want me to be as big of a fuck-up as you are," Theo says, and he throws Jee's baby box onto the ground and promptly begins to stomp on it. "Jee has one. I bet Chris has one, too! They were wanted!"
As far as dreams go, Buck supposes he's had worse - but when he wakes up in the middle of the night, apologies still on his lips, it's difficult to keep that perspective.Theo has only been with Buck for a week when Buck has a dream reminding him that Theo doesn't have a baby box. It's a catastrophic failure, Buck knows this as well as the dream versions of Bobby and Theo had.
He lies there for a few minutes, trying to convince himself that Theo isn't too old for one.
Then he decides that he doesn't care if Theo is too old to have one. Buck is going to make Theo a baby box, dammit.
~*~
Admittedly, Buck hesitates before he sends the first text to anyone in the 118 or his family ("The 118 used to be the rest of your family," a voice that is very loud and sounds like Bobby insists in his head. Buck feels a pang of guilt because his first reaction… is not kind.)
He knows he was lucky when he went through the withdrawals to have them there. And to their credit, it was a time that they definitely showed up for him.
But.
They are good at doing that when Buck is on the brink of death. This isn't … that.
Still, he does want someone's opinion besides his own, and he's been Googling non-stop for twelve hours when he sends the first text.
~*~
Buck: cherry or walnut for Theo's baby box?
Ravi: isn't he a little old to be getting a baby box?
Buck: cherry or walnut for Theo's baby box?
Eddie: Don't they sell those pre-made?
Buck: cherry or walnut for Theo's baby box?
Maddie: Are you sure you want to do a box this early?
Buck: ??? he's in preschool. i don't think it's too early for a baby box.
Maddie: I just meant maybe you should wait until the adoption is final. You don't want to set yourself or Theo up for heartbreak.
Chim: Taking next week off?
Buck: PTO
Chim: I'm aware of what it's called, Buck. My question is why.
Buck: I have some things to take care of.
Chim: Everything okay?
Buck: Everything's fine.
Chim: Don't make me be the dick here and remind you why I'm asking.
Chim: Buck.
Chim: Okay. I'll call Eddie.
Chim: Okay, he says you're building a baby box.
Chim: Pressure treated wood is my vote.
Chim: He said you wanted suggestions.
~*~
"I'm absolutely not choosing pressure-treated wood," Buck says aloud, a little more bitchily than necessary, while Theo is trying to watch Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood.
Theo turns to look at him and offers him one of his apple slices. "Pressure-treated wood is bad? Does Spidey has to fight it? DANIEL TIGER CAN HELP!"
Well, that's quite the mental image. "It's not bad," Buck explains. "Just not the best choice for what we need."
"Why not?" Theo asks reasonably.
"It has … oils on it," Buck explains. "They can leak onto the things that we want to protect."
Theo bites a questionably large piece of his apple slice. "LEAKY OILS. Pressure treated wood is POOP."
Buck laughs. "… Yes, yes, it is."
~*~
Hen: Don't get pressure-treated wood.
Buck: I wasn't planning on it.
Hen: And maybe buy some archival storage products to keep the papers safe. We used https://www.gaylord.com/ and not just because of the name. ;)
Buck: Ha. Beating me at the Pride month jokes. I must be slipping.
Hen: I've had longer to practice. Enjoy your PTO.
~*~
Buck is very much not enjoying standing in the middle of House of Hardwood and trying to decide which wood is better. He's standing there thinking that it's raining outside and anything he gets is going to get soaked and it's going to be a disgusting time.
Not only that, but they all look the same, yet impossibly different at the same time. He's standing there thinking that this is the biggest decision in his life, he's glad Theo is in preschool class right now, and maybe wondering if it makes him a big baby to call his therapist to discuss which would is best for the baby box when he hears a familiar voice.
"Evan?"
Tommy. Of course it's Tommy. Tommy couldn't magically appear all those times Buck had been wistfully missing him or wishing he would show up or even to save him from the world's worst speed dating experience…
No. No, he has to show up when Buck is in the middle of House of Hardwood, being bamboozled by the choice between cherry and walnut, and definitely not at all at his best.
"Tommy. Hey.. that's … some wood you have there." Now, Buck is talking about the lumber Tommy is holding upright next to him, but he realizes how awful it sounds the minute it comes out of his mouth.
Oh, this is why Tommy broke up with me, Buck thinks bitterly. Because I'm an idiot.
But Tommy just gives a small smirk and says, "I decided the garage could use some better organization. So I'm making some shelves to store the tools properly."
Buck hasn't actually seen Tommy's garage. The times he'd been over there… that had not been on Buck's priority list.
"Oh," Buck says, a little awkwardly. "Oak?"
"Yeah, I thought about a darker color, but I think oak will work best," Tommy says. He glances curiously at the walnut rows that Buck is currently standing in front of, and tilts his head. "You … working on a project? Finally making Eddie's old place feel like home?"
What? Oh, god, has so much really happened that Tommy doesn't know about anything current in his life? It feels wrong, and it feels like he needs to take Tommy's hand and make sure that he immediately knows everything. But that would make him sound insane, and would also possibly lead him to admitting to both the addiction and the kidnapping and both are … things he can't stand to see reflected back from Tommy's eyes yet.
Not because Tommy would judge him - Buck knows better. But because the compassion he's missed since Tommy walked out the door for the second time might reach inside Buck and rip up all the stitches of healing that he's trying so hard to keep together.
"I - uh. I don't live in Eddie's place any-anymore," Buck says. "I moved. Again."
Do you want a tour? Is literally on the end of Buck's tongue, but he forces it down. You have a kid. Be responsible, he tells himself.
"I mean, I always did think the loft was superior taste," Tommy says easily, and the oak leans up against his curls just so. "Diaz's place was a little on the … plain side. So … walnut?"
"I can't decide," Buck says. "Cherry or walnut. I asked the usual suspects, but it's all been just … really terrible advice."
Which had been the standard since Theo came to live with him, Buck thinks privately. It's a good thing this is basically his second go-around with having a kid, because honestly, if he relied on some of the "advice" from people who seemed to have forgotten that he'd helped raise Chris , babysat Jee all the time, and mentored Harry …. well, Theo would have bigger problems than a lack of a baby box.
"Well," Tommy says, and god, is that grey in Tommy's scruff? Buck wants to lick it. "It's hard for me to give you terrible advice of my own without knowing what it's for."
"Oh, it's for a baby box."
Tommy takes a step back, and his face - his always expressive face - contorts in a way that it hadn't even done when they'd been on the run from the army.
Okay, so it had ben a short ride. Technically, they'd still been on the run from the army.
"You don't like kids?" Buck blurts out. Which is wild, actually, because in Buck's best daydreams - the ones he has when he's reading the thoughtfully titled Theo Has Two Dads book that May had given him as a "welcome home, Theo" present - Tommy definitely definitely slides right into that second dad slot.
Not that Buck had that right anymore. He didn't. But his day dreams - and night dreams - didn't care about that.
"I like kids," Tommy corrects him, and his voice still sounds strained. "They're great. I just - " Then he does that thing, where he straightens and closes himself off. Buck hates the thing. "I'm happy for you, Buck. You'll be a great dad. Congratulations to you and your … partner."
You'll be. Present tense, as if - Oh, no.
Now, it could have been that Buck could have fumbled everything up - again, his mind supplies - and let Tommy think the very worst (again), but this time, Buck's mouth is a little faster, and his brain a little more cooperative.
"He's in preschool," Buck corrects. "He's - I agreed to be a sperm donor for his parents, and then they died, and now he's old enough to climb towers and tell me his opinions on sourdough being too spicy and he still doesn't have a baby box and he needs one, and I can't decide between the walnut and the cherry and nobody gives actual useful advice and Chim assumed I was taking drugs and I get why but how many times is that going to get thrown in my face? And Maddie assumes that I might not win custody, and Eddie - Eddie offers parenting advice all the time, like I wasn't the one to hold his kid while Eddie almost died - "
Buck breaks off abruptly. A woman is walking by and giving him a look that borders on are you having an episode? Do I need to call the cops?
And he takes a deep breath and looks at Tommy. Tommy, who could ask what the fuck about the drugs or why Buck is having a crash out about a baby box.
Buck starts to apologize. But before he can form the words - honestly, what do you say about a crash out like that? - Tommy says, "This walnut's a little dark. If he's old enough to go to preschool, he's old enough to decorate his own box. I'd get Cherry and let him do it. That way it's really his, right?"
Oh.
"Yeah, that's - that's a great idea, Tommy," Buck says. "God, why didn't I think of that?"
"Mm. It sounds like you already have a lot on your plate," Tommy answers.
"Yeah, it's been … it's been a pretty rough year," Buck admits. "I- I thought the funeral was the worst things would get, but it just kept getting … worse. I mean, Theo is great, but - he's a high point in an otherwise … not great year." He cleared his throat. "S-Sorry. You didn't come to the lumber store to hear about my … issues."
Making it all about me, Buck's internal voice, which sounds suspiciously like Eddie, mutters in the back of his head.
"No," Tommy agrees. "I didn't .. but … I'd like to. If you're willing."
"Yes," Buck says, and if it comes out a little too fast - well, it's the easiest decision he's made all week.
~*~
By the time Buck gets out to his truck with his cherry lumber, it's stopped raining. As far as signs from the universe goes, Buck doesn't think he's had better.