Work Text:
The fridge was making noises again. Other than that the silence was heavy, like a physical weight on his chest. He wondered if this house had ever been so quiet on a weekend before.
He wondered if it would be easier if this was a normal Friday night. If every room had been buzzing, and they were too. Would this have been easier after a few beers, when they were both loose tongued and softer around the edges? He had imagined it before. Just coming out with it all.
Hey Logan, my dad, you know the guy you idolize? Once, he beat me so badly I broke 2 ribs and I had to pretend it was from a crosscheck.
In the few feet between them, which may have as well been a chasm, Logan clasped his hands together. He was so still. It was disconcerting actually. Logan was never still. He was always fiddling with something. Taking it apart and putting it back together.
Garrett didn’t want to be taken apart. He was pretty sure it would be ugly. Pretty sure the pieces wouldn’t fit back together.
He said it anyways.
“My dad used to hit me, when I was a kid.”
Logan let out a sharp exhale.
“No, don’t.” Garret held up a hand. He thought of Hannah how she had so plainly and calmly explained her rape. God she was so fucking brave. This sucked. “Just let me finish ok?”
“I don’t know how old I was when it started. And it wasn’t all the time. It just got worse when he would drink, or when his team was doing badly or he didn’t get the contract he wanted.”
The words were coming easier now, too easy. It was like he had opened a facet and couldn’t figure out how to turn it off.
“He only sent me to the hospital once. When I was 11. It was Halloween, and I skipped practice to go trick or treating. So, that’s why I hate that day so much. We had to pretend it was an accident. Mom was going to leave him after that I think, but then she got sick. And he was different, that’s the problem. He was always so fucking charming when he wanted to be. He took care of her the whole time. I’m sure he promised her I would be ok.
He hit her too. And that was worse, because he didn’t have to hide it so much, and because I couldn’t protect her.”
Garrett looked down at his hands, the split knuckles. “I went to boarding school after that. And then I grew, and I guess after a few summers I was bigger than him and he knew better than to try to hurt me physically. He still tried to control hockey though. He always needed to control that. I don’t even know if I like playing anymore. It’s just all I ever did. The only thing he approved of. All of it, the Bruins, my dreams they are all his.
Anyways, he used to come to all my games, but got kicked out once after getting in my junior coach’s face. We have an agreement now. He isn’t supposed to interact with me at games, only if we win.”
Logan’s mouth pressed into a thin line. Anger? Pity? Garrett wasn’t sure. He was almost through the worst of it anyways.
“That’s why I was playing like shit last game. Because he was there, with his new fucking fiancée, who we found out he also hits at Thanksgiving. And -“
That old familiar lump at the back of his throat. His father’s voice - don’t you dare cry boy - Garrett isn’t sure he could even if he wanted to, or if once he started if he could stop. That moment in the car with Hannah was the first time he had let himself crack in over a decade.
“And - I told her to leave him and she didn’t.”
“Garrett-“
“No you don’t understand - I was so angry. I get so angry. Logan, I am so angry sometimes. She is scared of me like she is of him. And she should be, because I get like he does. It’s always there, this fucking, I don’t know, this poison. I’m wrong. Like him. I try so hard to be careful, especially on the ice, so I don’t actually hurt anyone. But sometimes I do. I don’t like who I am when I don’t have control. It’s why I never dated before. And it is why I ended things with Hannah.”
“G -,” Logan’s voice was pained. “You wouldn’t hurt Hannah.”
It warmed him more than he could express that Logan didn’t phrase that as a question.
“She said I scared her, after that game.”
“I’m sure she didn’t mean it like that.”
“No,” Garrett had enough space from that moment now to see the truth in what Logan was saying, “No, probably not. But that doesn’t change who I am.”
“Delaney did something to Hannah, didn’t he?”
Garrett just looked at him.
“I won’t say anything,” Logan assured him. “It’s just, I knew it had to be something like that. I’ve never seen you so upset.”
A bitter little laugh escaped him. “I would have killed him if you hadn’t stopped me.”
Logan considered that. “He might have deserved it.”
“Yeah.”
Logan just looked at him for a long moment. Silence fell again, but this time it felt better. Crossing the counter to sit next to him, Logan let out a long breath.
“Can I talk now?”
Garrett exhaled a laugh. “Yeah, just don’t, like, say you are sorry or that you think I am strong or some bullshit. I don’t think I can take it.”
“Too bad.”
“Logan -“
“No G, it’s my turn.”
Garrett rolled his eyes, but had to fight a smile at the determined look in his friend’s eyes. He knew that one. “Fine.”
“I am sorry.”
“John.”
“No, fuck off, Garrett. I am sorry that happened to you. You didn’t deserve that. I’m sorry about your mom. And I am really fucking sorry that I didn’t take you seriously every time you said you didn’t want him around. That was really fucking selfish of me.”
“You didn’t know.”
“No, but I’m not stupid, G. I was just too jealous of you to pay attention.”
“I know,” Garrett stared even harder at his hands, “I know I got handed everything you ever wanted.”
Logan sighed. “That’s not your fault either.”
“I know you liked Hannah too.”
Logan froze beside him. Garrett looked over at him finally. “I didn’t put it together until we were already dating. But you knew her name, even before we started talking, you knew about her. And I had my head so far up my ass I didn’t even notice her until I needed her for something.”
He swallowed visibly, “G, I would never -“
“I know.” Garrett shook his head, “I know you wouldn’t. But don’t call yourself selfish, because I ruined that as well, like everything you care about. Not that it matters. But you probably would have been the better choice for her.”
“Dude.”
“I am aware that is a fucked up thing to say.”
“Kind of yeah.”
A lightness was filling him. Not happiness. He was so far from that. But a feeling like taking off his skates at the end of a long practice. An absence of something constricting. He had told Logan and nothing bad happened. He had told someone.
“You’re a good person, Garrett.”
Something between a snort and a laugh escaped him.
“No, you are. I wouldn’t be here if you weren’t. God knows it isn’t because you are easy to get along with.”
Garrett actually laughed this time. Logan bumped his shoulder with his.
“You are a good person.” He repeated, catching his eye with an effort. “G - the way you see yourself. It’s not true at all. You aren’t this, like, bomb waiting to go off. And you deserve every win you have. And you deserve someone like Hannah too, if you want.”
Logan’s eyes were drilling into his. The lump in his throat had returned.
“Thank you.”
“Are you going to let us help you now?”
“Work in progress.”
And then because, of course, Hannah was right about this too Garrett felt himself finally, finally, start to cry.