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“This is a terrible idea”
The words came out flat, exhausted, and entirely wasted on Dazai.
Across the table, he was stirring sugar into his coffee with the concentration of a scientist conducting a groundbreaking experiment. The tiny spoon clinked against the ceramic cup.
(Dazai bought another cup of coffee on their way to the coffee shop. Why? Chuuya had no idea. He didn't even question these things by now)
Chuuya watched him.
Dazai kept stirring.
"You heard me."
"I did."
"And?"
"And I disagree."
Of course he did. When did he ever agree with Chuuya?
Rain tapped softly against the café windows. Outside, Yokohama was painted in shades of gray, umbrellas moving along crowded sidewalks like drifting shadows. Inside, the café glowed with warm yellow light and smelled faintly of coffee beans and freshly baked bread.
It should have been peaceful.
Instead, Chuuya was spending his afternoon arguing with Dazai.
Again.
Sometimes he wondered if this was punishment for something truly horrible he'd done in a past life.
Dazai finally looked up.
"Actually, I think it's one of my better ideas."
Chuuya stared and then he laughed. Not a humoured laugh, but a short, disbelieving sound.
"That's ridiculous."
Dazai pointed his coffee dripped spoon at him.
"You're being very negative,I'm just trying to complete a mission here."
"I'm being realistic.It's not my fault your head is so far up ypur ass you can't use your brain anymore. "
"You wound me."
"Good."
Dazai sighed dramatically and slumped against his chair.
The performance would have been way more convincing if Chuuya hadn't known him for years.Unfortunately, he had.
Which meant he could immediately tell that Dazai was enjoying himself.
Far too much.
The shitty bastard had volunteered them for this mission less than twenty-four hours ago.
No discussion.
No warning.
No permission.
One minute Chuuya had been minding his own business, finally ready to relax and maybe take a short nap after an exhausting week.
The next, he was receiving a phone call informing him that he would be pretending to date Dazai for the foreseeable future.
Apparently some information broker refused to conduct business with anyone who wasn't part of a couple.It was a ridiculous requirement, yet nobody questioned it.Or maybe the didn't dare to.
It was made even more ridiculous by Dazai's solution.
"Remind me again," Chuuya said slowly,as if talking to a child (it was one of tge tgings that truly annoyed dazaj) "why you couldn't find literally anyone else."
"Because nobody else would work for this."
"You didn't even ask anyone else."
"I considered asking."
"That isn't the same thing."
"It is in spirit."
"Aren't partners supposed to help each other out?”
“Yes, with literally anything else.”
Chuuya closed his eyes and took a deep breath.He couldn't afford to kill Dazai in a fucking coffee shop filled with people.No matter how much he wanted to.
The headache he'd been nursing all week immediately got worse (curse shitty dazai and his stupid antics)
When he opened his eyes again, Dazai was smiling.
Not his fake smile, not the one he wore around enemies, not even the one he used to manipulate people.
This one looked genuine,annoyingly so.
Like he was having the time of his life.
"You're impossible."
"I've been told."
"Repeatedly."
"By you, mostly."
The waiter arrived before Chuuya could think of a suitable insult. (Which would probably be the first combanation of curse words that came to his mind)
"Your drinks."
Black coffee for Chuuya.
Something absurdly sweet for Dazai.(again)
The waiter set them down and smiled.
"You two seem happier today."
Chuuya blinked.
"What?"
The waiter looked confused.
"Oh. Sorry. I just meant you usually sit by the window."
A pause.
Then his expression brightened.
"Though I guess couples switch things up sometimes."
Silence.
Absolute silence.
Couples.The waiter thought they were a fucking couple.
The waiter walked away.
Chuuya remained frozen.
Across from him, Dazai looked moments away from exploding.
The second the waiter disappeared behind the counter, he lost the battle.
A laugh escaped him.
Then another.
Soon he was bent over the table, shoulders shaking.
"Dazai."
That only made it worse.
"Dazai."
"I can't—"
"Dazai."
"This is amazing."
Chuuya resisted the urge to throw his coffee at him.
Barely.
"We've been here for ten minutes."
"And?"
"We've already been mistaken for a couple."
Dazai grinned.
"Maybe we're naturally talented."
"Maybe you're naturally annoying.Scratch that.You are naturally annoying.And I'm the one who has to put up with you."
Unfortunately, he had a point.
That made it worse.
Chuuya looked out the window.
Anything was better than looking at Dazai right now.
The city blurred beyond the rain-streaked glass.
People hurried down the street.
Cars crawled through traffic.
Everything looked normal.
Unlike his life, which was a hit mess.
His life apparently involved fake dating his former partner because some eccentric criminal had wierd hiring requirements.
Wonderful.
Just wonderful.
"You know," Dazai said casually, "if we're going to do this properly, we should establish a backstory."
Chuuya immediately became suspicious.
"What kind of backstory?"
"How we met."
"No."
"When we started dating."
"Absolutely not."
"Our first kiss—"
"DIE."
Several people looked over.
Chuuya didn't care.Dazai was laughing again.
Loudly.
Without restraint.
The idiot looked happier than he'd been in weeks.
That realization hit unexpectedly.
For a second, Chuuya paused.For some reason, he didn't want the noise to stop.Or for that sight to go away.
Dazai usually laughed.
But there was a difference between laughing and genuinely enjoying himself.
This looked like the second one.
The observation sat awkwardly in Chuuya's chest.
He ignored it immediately.
"You're paying."
Dazai blinked.
"For what?"
"For making me deal with this."
"That's not how money works."
"It is today."
"You can't just invent financial laws."
"I can if I throw you through a window."
Dazai considered this.
Then nodded.
"Fair."
Chuuya rolled his eyes.
Outside, the rain continued falling.
Inside, Dazai kept smiling.
And for the first time since agreeing to the mission, Chuuya had the uncomfortable feeling that pretending to date Dazai wasn't going to be the difficult part.