Chapter Text
I rubbed my eyes.
But when I opened them again, I wasn’t on the sidewalk anymore.
I was in a forest.
For a few seconds, my eyes had to adapt to the sudden change in lighting, not exactly expecting to see the sunlight at this hour.
I looked around, confusion overtook me as I had not recognized this place.
Where was I?
How did I get here?
I hadn’t even felt the ground beneath me change. Was this an illusion?
But why would there be one?
Nothing made sense to me.
I walked up to the nearest tree, touching it, letting my hands brush against the rough texture of it.
These weren’t trees from the area I was from.
I reached for the phone in my bag, checking for the time.
It showed 19:09. The signal bar was still seemingly active.
“Ok, at least I can open Google Maps.”
But at that moment, the signal bar completely changed, showing “No service” instead.
“…Well, that’s inconvenient.”
I put my phone away, looking around again.
Assuming I was in some sort of forest, I tried to look for signs or any signal I was still in my hometown.
“Hmm, this looks like a park I’ve seen before, but how did I even get here?” I thought out loud. The chain of events didn’t make sense to me, but somehow, I was in a completely different place.
Kidnapping? How. Just how.
Blacking out? Not for this long unnoticed.
Kidnapped? I just thought of it.
Illusion created by mind for a desperate attempt at escapism of reality due to the sheer stress I have to endure each day and this is a sign I’m finally becoming schizophrenic? Mmh, too realistic.
As I walked through the forest, I was greeted by a giant boulder, which had a hole big enough to probably fit exactly 13 apples stacked on top of each other in it.
Well, rocks are cool, so I had to check it out.
I bent down, but there was a dead end immediately.
“Did someone carve a hole into this and never continued?”
But before I could get back up, something stung me from behind.
“Oua!!” I jumped up, instinctively reaching for the place where I was stung, which in this case was the side of my stomach.
“What the hell! I was about to complain that there was no such rock in my vicinity!”
I pulled my shirt up, only to discover that the place where I was stung was completely fine. Not a single scratch, nor a sign that something had even touched me.
“…Am I getting back problems now? Yep, I’ve definitely been kidnapped and drugged.”
The pain quickly dissipated, allowing me to walk normally again.
“Well, goodbye rock of evil side stings, I guess.”
I waved as I continued, checking my bag.
I took my wallet out and opened it, everything I left in there was still in there. Not a cent or identity card stolen.
“That’s weird, have I been kidnapped and only tested on? That’s not what people do.”
I put my stuff back in my bag.
“Keys, tissues, issues, phone… Yeah, I still got everything.”
But that’s when I felt it.
I froze on the spot; someone was behind me. Many months of playing with children has taught me one thing: Always hear what’s behind you.
I slowly turned around…
and nobody was there.
“…Rock of Evil side stings is that you?”
A soft wind blew through the forest, making the trees and bushes rustle.
“…This isn’t how hide and seek works, you usually try to tag me when you’re behind me…”
I turned around again, now paying extra attention to what could be behind me.
But as soon as I did, I saw it.
A man, or whoever that was.
It was a person dressed in a black costume, with red eyes on where the face is, and no gap to even see the face.
“THE KKK!” I jumped back.
The robed person in front of me… bowed?
“Eh, uh… Is that how people say hello to each other, well then…”
I bowed too. “Ni hao?”
The person just looked at me for a second. I blinked.
They were gone.
“…”
What does one do in this situation?
“These drugs are really damn strong…”
I took one step before I realized.
“WAIT, WERE YOU THE ONE WHO STUNG ME?! SO, IT WASN’T ROCKY’S FAULT. I KNEW I COULD BELIEVE IN YOU ROCKY!”
…
Nobody responded.
Of course nobody responded, I’m probably hallucinating while being in a hospital.
I kept moving, passing through trees that looked way too familiar every time I passed them. It almost felt like I was never going to leave this forest.
At which point I felt it again. But this time it was somehow much stronger than before.
I looked to the side, into the forest.
“IS THAT REALLY WHAT YOU ARE SUGGESTING? MY DEVOTED FOLLOWERS FINDING THE HOLDER FOR PRIDE?? LEAD ME TO HIM!” a faint voice rang in the distance.
“…Lunatics? Or are these the people that drugged me? Or both? Or maybe there’s a third option I’m not aware of?”
The sound of rapid footsteps was becoming louder and louder.
“OR THEY’RE COMING IN MY DIRECTION AND I’M FUCKED!”
I started running, as fast as I could. I even prayed to the higher ups (something I never do) to lend me their help in avoiding this mess.
I ran. Step after step, sweat after sweat.
By the time I had exhausted all my stamina, the sound of running wasn’t growing quieter.
“Aah… Yeah… they’re definitely heading for me… ahh…”
I couldn’t do much, really. If running doesn’t work, then what good does it do to still run? Problems must be faced head on. Like a true champion.
I steeled myself for whatever was going to show up behind those trees.
The sound of footsteps was getting louder.
I braced myself for any sort of impact.
…
“MY BELOVED PRIDE, IS THAT REALLY YOU?!”
“…Pride?”
A man came out from behind the trees, arms spread wide with the largest grin ever…
but his skin was green… huh?
Is this guy human? I hate drugs.
“YES, PRIDE! THE HOLDER OF THE LAST WITCH FACTOR!”
…
Is there like any method to get sober from drugs posthaste? A good question, I should always be prepared to answer that. Especially now.
“Hi, so, uhm… Are you real?”
The green man just stopped and looked at me weirdly.
“Well! Of course I am! I am the Sin Archbishop of the Witch’s Cult representing Sloth, Petelgeuse Romaneé-Conti. DESU!”
The man literally bowed down to a 30° angle, impressive.
“Uhm. I am the person archperson of the not a cult representing… children, I guess? I’m Giac Rossi… yeah, I don’t bow down to that level man, I can’t do that.”
“What-“ Petelgeuse stared at me.
“Look- yeah ok, I’m sorry for imitating your words, I just didn’t know what to do I was confused and- Actually, what are you doing here. Why me? What is your objective in my presence?”
“…”
“…”
“…”
“Are you gonna… respond or nah? I would like answers. Like, since when am I here?”
“…”
“…”
“Do you have a gospel by chance?”
“What the fuck is a gospel?”
“THE PROOF OF LOVE!”
“Is it a book?”
“YES!”
“Can I use it as a beer coaster?”
“…”
“So, I can use it as a beer coaster?”
“FOOL! INDISCIPLINED! CHAOTIC! SHAMEFUL! REGRETTABLE! SLOTHFUL!”
“Are those things that should describe me or you?”
“RAAAAAAAH!”
The green man started pulling on his hair and then biting his fingers, making them bleed.
I was so disgusted I couldn’t speak at that moment, only stare.
“UNSEEN HANDS, COME FORTH!”
“Unseen what?”
I could feel the air slightly shifting in front of me.
But nothing happened.
“Am I supposed to do something or…?”
Petelgeuse’s eyes widened, he fell to his knees.
“My hands… cannot reach…”
“Man, you’re spouting nonsense, have you tried a therapist yet?”
“IMPOSSIBLE, MY PROOF OF LOVE CANNOT REACH YOU!”
“Look, if I had signal, I’d gladly call one for you. And the police with it.”
Petelgeuse fell over crying, biting his fingers further.
I looked over at him and then to the side.
“Nope, I’m out of here. Goodbye.”
And thus, I left the crying and delusional Petelgeuse behind to hopefully find what he’s looking for in life and leave me the fuck alone.
“WAIT!” I could hear in the background.
I didn’t turn around, but some more KKK members like the one from earlier blocked my path.
“PRIDE, MY PRIDE AND JOY! WE’VE BEEN SEARCHING FOR YOU FOR SO LONG! YOU’LL COME WITH US!”
…
“I’d rather fall asleep at a sleepover first than going anywhere with you.”
I turned around to look at him fully; my eyes narrowed in a serious display of annoyance.
“And I’d even let the sour cream on the table.”
Of course, Petelgeuse understood none of that.
“ARE YOU TRYING TO ENLIGHTEN US WITH YOUR WISE WORDS, OH, PRIDE-KUN?!”
“Wise words? Ah, uhm, yeah, exactly what I was doing. If you don’t answer that riddle within the next day, I will refuse to talk to any of you. Like, Forever.”
I started walking away, the robed people letting me pass through before quickly regrouping in a small circle, as if discussing the things I had said.
Oh wow, that actually worked, I can’t believe that they’re this stupid. Well, time to leave this place and never come back.